Gathering the kids wasn't as difficult as others made it out to be. Of all the tasks he'd dealt with that day on very little sleep, it was going to be a breeze. There was a simple solution, one employed by the Colonial Child Care system for yahrens. More progressive parents might find it degrading, but Starbuck understood from his own childhood as one of the multitudes of rambunctious youths in the care of the colonies, sometimes you had to rope them in, literally. Each of the children that could walk wore a type of harness that could be attached to a lead that could be yanked when one wandered out of line. At first he'd been horrified the Rats employed the leash as it brought back memories from one of his worst group homes where the harness had been used to secure him in chairs and even beds. He'd spent too many nights fighting against those bonds, until he learned to wiggle his way out.
Rene had picked up on his disgust and tried not to use the lead too often, but she'd also explained the simple logic of its need. They lived on a Battlestar, a vessel built for war. The last thing anyone wanted was a toddler tumbling out a launch tube or running into the landing bay. It could lead to a lot of deaths. It was the safety aspect that had settled the matter for him, and the child care center, situated next to the Med Center, located where it was needed most, a short corridor from the landing bay, was not the safest area of the ship for toddlers. Add that to his ever increasing list of duties, relocate the childcare center to a safer location.
The kids were used to the routine, so gathering them up was the easy part. Dealing with Jason had been the battle, and at his age, he was worse than nine babies. Starbuck didn't have the patience for him nor for his own guilt at realizing he should have checked on him. With his best buddy gone, Jason had likely been a problem at school. The kid was worked up into a rage, shouting at the childminders over and over, "I'm their brother! I can take them if I want to. Tell them Starbuck!"
It didn't help that the minders had chosen to tell Jason that regulations stated he could not be responsible for the children. The words increased the steam on Jason's anger to full boil. "I 2could be a pilot! I am old enough. I have three kills to my name. And who do you think has been taking care of them since they were born? ME!"
It was hard for Starbuck to intervene since the kid was right. While the adults, and he used that term loosely when referring to Rene, Jake and Nik, while they had been performing twelve to sixteen centaur duty shifts and flying picket patrols, Jason had been in charge of the children. They minded Jason better than anyone when the family was assembled.
"Another change that needs to be made," Starbuck added it to the ever growing list of duties that were impossible to complete. It wasn't just the destruction that had stolen Jason's childhood, Dante had raided him of it as well. Starbuck really needed to have a talk with Rene, a long and difficult one. Jason wasn't really Rene's child, she couldn't hold him back. He deserved his chance to be a pilot if he really wanted.
Calming Jason down was not going to happen, certainly not when Starbuck knew the kid was right to be angry. Rather than trying, he put a baby in Jason's arms and shoved him out the door. The kid groused the whole way to the council chamber and Starbuck made an effort to really listen and empathize, but his mind was occupied with calculating the amount of deaths that surrounded Rene, accidental or otherwise. Despite his conversation with the Hangar Deck Chief, Brody's death might still be one added to the pile of bodies stacking up at her feet.
In his mind he divided up the piles, those she did kill, those she didn't but wanted to. Which one did her own father belong to? More importantly, how should he bring up the question?
As they hit the lift up to their quarters, he knew he was going to have to ask. It was not something he was going to be able to let just stay in the past. What really warred in his mind was, did it matter if she did or didn't kill him? Would she admit it? And if she did admit it, what would that change now? Nothing and maybe everything.
Would it change how he felt about her? Yes and no. It wasn't the actual killing that bothered him, at least he thought it wouldn't. It was something different, a matter of trust and the truth. He had shared with her everything about his life, the good and the bad. He had opened up to her the first night he'd met her, sharing a dream he held secretly in his heart, one he had never shared with another. He'd trusted her.
So why couldn't she trust him with the truth? It had been six sectons of sharing everything from sleeping quarters to cylon torture. Had he not at least earned the right to ask and to know? She had lied to him each time she had said her father died in combat. As a warrior she should understand. Death in combat versus death via suicide were very different animals. One was held in honor and respect, the other was the coward's way out. She hated her father, as she should, he was a child raping boray. So why grant her old man the honorable death? And why lie to her lover about it?
Was that the problem he'd finally caught her in a lie he could prove? He hated to admit it, but it put so many things she had told him into question.
He'd had planned a date for that evening that should have been a way to blow off steam, to leave their worries behind and just enjoy a moment of fun, but the events of the day had changed all that. She needed a lecture about honesty and the Warriors Creed. He needed to convince her that how she was dealing with Jason was wrong. And he needed to discuss the threats from Pallus and Brody and why she hadn't told him it was his life they wanted to take?
All that, when what he knew the two of them needed was a quiet night alone where they talked with their bodies and not with words. Sometimes it felt more like she was his ward rather than his wife. Sometimes Rene was simply exhausting. But in his heart he realized that it was simply because she was more trouble than the legendary Starbuck, more of a problemed child than her equally challenging husband. What a pair they were! Definitely perfect for each other.
Everyone had warned him that being sealed was work. He thought they meant what he was already doing, juggling babies and meals, cleaning and duties. He had been clueless.
He was busy berating himself in his own head at what an idiot he had been when he entered the council chambers. Expecting to find Rene and Jake, he nearly dropped baby Zac when he came face to face with Siress Tinia and Sire Domra. They were not alone. At Tinia's side was a pretty gal that looked about Jason's age.
"Did we get our cycles mixed up?" He blurted, fumbling to hold onto the baby that began to fuss.
"No, no. Please forgive our intrusion," Tinia smiled graciously. "I was just reassuring Sire Domra that the chambers would be ready for us in the coming days. He seemed concerned and I wanted him to see the changes that have been made."
"We do have plans to set things in order sir," Boomer stated, nodding to the star charts, covered with drawings the children had made at the lower portion of the maps, but Tinia brushed his comment away.
"Oh I think you should leave it just as it is. It is a good reminder of why we do the work that we do, whom we really serve in the fleet. Don't you think so, Domra?"
The older politician glared at the children that were now running about the room noisily, before he masked his emotions. "A little order might be appropriate."
"Yes Sire, I'm sure that," Starbuck halted as his elbow was jostled by Jason at his side. Before he could continue, Siress Tinia spoke.
"Oh Jason, just the one I was looking for. This is my foster daughter Bethany." Tinia turned to the pretty gal who shyly smiled. "Oh my, that sounds so formal and stiff. May I just call you my daughter?"
The girl blushed as her smile widened, nodding her head. Starbuck's breath caught as a stab of regret jabbed him in the chest. Not once had any foster parent simply called him son. The jealousy flared in his heart for a moment, before turning to cold ashes.
"I was wondering if you could have a chat with Bethany while we grown ups discuss boring matters. She will be attending school with you tomorrow and I thought maybe you could catch her up on things," Tinia said as she reached out to take little Leia from Jason's arms. The emptiness left by the jealousy was replaced with a warmth of pride as Jason politely answered the Siress, using her title and agreeing to offer any assistance needed before offering to show Bethany the stars through the viewport. Starbuck's gaze lingered on them before Tinia drew it away.
"Aren't they adorable?" she said wistfully.
"Yes, yes, and loud," Domra grumbled as Kiff went tearing by, chased by Daniel.
"Sorry sir. We will gather them up and get out of your way."
Again Tinia waved away Starbuck's words. "No need. I just wanted to reassure the other council members that the chamber will be ready for our meeting. We should only need it during the day when the children are off at school. I don't think we will need it in the evenings, isn't that right Domra?"
The Sire began to grumble, but Tinia went on, ignoring his protests. "It should be available to you each evening and I was hoping I may join you on occasion. I once enjoyed cooking as a hobby but have not had much time as of late to practice. I was hoping I would be allowed to provide a meal or two for the family. And the council has always enjoyed my tarts and pies, isn't that right Domra?"
Starbuck tried not to chuckle as the grumpy old man's demeanor changed in an instant.
"Ahh your pies are delicious."
"With your permission?" she asked as she put a squirming Leia on the floor and reached for baby Zac. "Oh he is a delight!"
She cooed to Zac as Starbuck stammered out his agreement and Boomer interjected that the chambers were the council woman's any time she desired and that they would be doing a thorough cleaning that evening.
"See that you do," Domra ordered, looking as if he wished to add more, but Tinia cut him off.
"They are warriors. They have duties to perform. Surely we can provide assistance to our decorated heroes and their families? Seriously, leave things as they are. In fact, a few more drawings might be needed as a reminder to us all why our work is so important." She reached out a hand to Starbuck's arm and he found himself blushing at the touch as he mumbled a thank you.
"No, thank you. You have been an inspiration." Tinia cast her gaze to the young couple at the viewport deeply engaged in conversation. "May she stay a while? I think she is a bit bored trailing after an old woman. I will be in Sire Domra's quarters as he has plenty of room for me and Bethany to join him."
"Yes Siress." He replied before quickly adding, "Have you seen Rene? She should have been here?"
"No, I have not seen your wife. The chambers were empty when we arrived." Tinia answered,
Hands were suddenly pulling on Starbuck's pants and he looked down to see Kalea had latched onto his leg.
"Oh and who is this little beauty?" Domra asked, actually smiling.
Starbuck reached down and picked up Kalea who had gone shy as the Sire reached out a hand to touch one of her curls. "This is Kalea, Rene and Jake's daughter." Starbuck tried not to laugh as the Sire morphed from grumpy old man to friendly grandpa as he baby talked to Kalea.
"Aren't you a cutie pie? How old are you?"
"Two," Kalea answered before blushing and burying her face in Starbuck's shoulder.
"She's normally not this shy," Starbuck tried to apologize as the Sire reached out to touch her hair again and Kalea pulled away. He was about to try to spin her around and see if she would engage with the Sire. It might earn them some more favors if he could get the man to see that the kids weren't little ruffians, but just children who needed room to run and play. The door opening behind him drew his attention away.
He was hoping it was Rene, returning from wherever she had wandered off to. It was not who he was expecting as Bojay entered the room.
"Starbuck, can I talk to you, now, in your quarters."
Starbuck choked back a sigh. Another crisis, probably dealing with Rene and obviously Bojay. Try as he might, he could not get Rene to like the guy. From the start Bojay's criticism of her abilities as a warrior had tainted him forever in Rene's opinion. Her poisoning of him hadn't helped Bojay's opinion of her. Starbuck thought saving Bojay's dad from Caprica might have fixed things. By the anger now creasing Bojay's brow, things were broken again. He had fixed so much this cycle, and his duty list was still a metron long, he just couldn't take on one more thing.
"Can it wait, Bojay? I'm busy and…"
"Now. Your quarters." Bojay flashed him a combat hand sign that meant to abort a mission due to it all going to hades in a handbasket. It was not his usual way of communicating, but the Rats style of getting a point across, letting him know it was important.
He handed Kalea to Boomer as he excused himself.
Bojay waited until the door closed at their backs before answering Starbuck's terse, "Now what?"
Walking fast, Bojay spoke rapidly, "I was on my way to get my dad from Wilker's science lab when I came around the corner and found some guy slamming Rene into a wall. When he saw me he took off and there was blood, a lot of it, and she won't let me take her to the life center so we came here. She says she stabbed the guy, but I can't tell if the blood is hers or his. I had to haul her up from the floor, half conscious. Practically carried her here, but she wouldn't go to the Life Center. I called anyway and asked for Jake to get here fast."
"What? What guy? Did you see him?" Starbuck said and began sprinting the last couple of paces, having heard about half of what Bojay said, only processing the words blood and Life Center.
"I didn't recognize him. Big guy. Jolly's size. All I saw was her slammed into the wall and the blood, then he was gone."
"How bad?" was all Starbuck could get out before he entered his quarters, spinning around looking for Rene who was not there in the main room. He heard water running in the sink in the turbo and burst into the room. Blood was on the floor and on the counter and on her. It was vibrant red against the pale gray of the room. It covered the front of her once beige coveralls and he froze.
"Bojay, call for a medic!" Starbuck shouted.
"Don't call a medic!" She shouted back. "Calm down, it's not mine."
"Jake is on his way!" Bojay reminded them.
Starbuck barely heard him, once again seeing nothing but blood. Everywhere. "Not yours?" The words seemed to unfreeze his boots from where he'd planted them in the doorway as he came farther into the room. "You sure? Whose? What happened?"
"I stabbed him. That's why he let go. It's not mine."
Starbuck had to look away, trying not to gag at the sight of the red covering her stomach. It could have been the baby, so small and fragile. He looked at Bojay, who was hovering uneasily in the doorway, "Who was it?"
Bojay shrugged. "I didn't get a good look, just a big guy, dark hair, picking her up like a he saw me, dropped her and took off. I was more worried about her than chasing him."
Starbuck spun back to Rene, unclenching his fists as he took another step towards her. "You're not bleeding? You sure? What happened?"
She was focused on her hands in the water. No matter how much she scrubbed, it was still pink tinged. "I was stupid. I came around a corner…Lords I was so stupid. I should have made someone come get me, but I was just excited and kind of scrambled. You know how it is, brain was tired and he was there. He surprised me, punched me hard and then picked me up and I," she paused for a breath looking up to him. The side of her face was dark red and purple, her right eye swollen, not shut yet, but that would be coming as would the blue and black of a true black eye. Then her gaze went past him and he turned as well to find Jake behind him..
"What happened?" Jake said, with a little less urgency than Starbuck as he brushed past him, going to Rene, reaching for her, turning her head from side to side, before gently probing at her face with his fingers, then shining a small light in her eyes.
"Someone attacked her. Why weren't you hereJake? You two were both supposed to stay in the council chambers where you were safe!." Starbuck's voice rose to match the high speed of his heart rate.
"Safe, right. No place is safe." Jake said offhand, putting the light back in his pocket and going back to probing Rene's face as she winced at the touch. "Nothing broken. Probably a concussion. Gonna be ugly tomorrow. No makeup is going to cover that up. Did you lose consciousness?""
"No, yeah, frak, but I got him. Got him good." She said turning away to go back to washing her hands. "Kept the knife too. Just got to get rid of the evidence."
"I'm calling security." Starbuck started to turn.
"I can do that," Bojay offered, but both Rene and Jake stopped him with a curt "NO!"
"Are you two serious?! You were attacked, here, on my ship!" Starbuck exclaimed.
"It's not my blood even though I'm covered in it. I got him good, " Rene offered, an explanation to Starbuck's exasperation.
"You shouldn't be attacked in the corridors of the Galactica!"
"Yeah, regardless I was and apparently warriors don't like it when you stab back. I figured that one out for myself because I'm smart and I've stabbed someone before. This won't go well, especially with Brody up and dying. I'll be in more trouble than the guy who hit me!" She turned back to the sink, scrubbing furiously at her coveralls, doing nothing more than getting the blood stains wet.
Her sarcasm and Jake's nonchalance pressed a button. Starbuck found himself shouting "This isn't the Zakar, and the Commander's not Dante! It's the Galactica where we look at evidence and count(?) in self defense. Plus you didn't kill Brody!"
Rene spun her head towards him, nearly growling as she retorted, "I know! But like you said, it's not like it matters! Someone else obviously thinks I did!"
"I wonder why," Bojay said.
"Not helpful!" Starbuck snarled, pointing at the door.
They'd already had this argument in the landing bay. Starbuck's point had been proven and it would be glaringly obvious on her face for more than a few cycles. He should have never let her leave his side that day. "Who was it?"
Rene snorted angrily, "Frak if I know!" as she kept her attention on trying to scrub the blood from her clothes.
He moderated his tone as he asked again, "Who hit you I mean. Who was it?"
It took a moment before she replied, stilling her movements. "I swear to sagan it was Agenor."
"He hit you good if you think it was a dead guy," Jake said.
Rene spun on Jake with a sneer. "I won the fight!"
"Doesn't look like it." Jake replied.
Rene slammed a hand on the counter splashing pink water across the counter before glaring at him. "I'm wearing his blood, so yeah, I won!"
Jake looked up to Starbuck with a sardonic grin, "When we lose, we either frak or fight, what's it going to be Rene? Your pick, since you lost this one."
"I didn't lose. If you're not going to help me destroy evidence, then get out!" Rene went back to furiously scrubbing at the blood on her clothes.
Jake looked up to Starbuck again, "Fight it is." Then took a step closer to Rene.
"You're not helping matters," Starbuck said, but was ignored as Jake said loudly, "You should have killed Pallus when you had the chance."
Rene spun back, a snarl on her face. "Then who would you frak with Jake? You know how much you liked it!"
Jake threw the first punch that Rene blocked before she threw her own. Before Starbuck could figure out what was happening, they were rolling around on the turbo room floor, kicking and punching. He looked down at what he saw was just a ball of rage roiling before him.
He sort of understood. The adrenaline from a fight had to go somewhere, especially from the frustration of having lost. But he couldn't just stand there and watch the two of them in this toxic tryst they had created. That was his pregnant wife Jake was slapping. He didn't think Jake would actually hurt Rene, but he couldn't say the same about Rene right now by the sounds of her fists hitting flesh. He needed to get Jake out of there.
"Enough!" Starbuck yelled at the top of his lungs as he reached down, pulling Jake up from the floor and away from Rene. She got up, coming at him and Starbuck had to reach out an arm, shoving her back and into the turbo, which might not be such a bad idea he thought. He dragged Jake a couple of paces to the door with Rene still trying to come at the two of them.
"Get out!" he ordered, before shoving him from the room, shutting the door and locking it. He turned to Rene who was still ready to fight, fists up, rage flashing like lightning in her eyes. He grabbed her, pinning her arms down and pulling her into a tight bear hug as he backed her into the turbo. It was like hanging on to a feral felix, all claws and teeth. When he felt her hit the back wall of the turbo, he spun the two of them around, putting her back to the spigot before reaching, turning it hard to cold, blasting the both of them. She got the full force of the water, howling into his chest at the indignation of the freezing cold water. He held on tight as she struggled to get free.
Then the cursing began, long and loud. She was quite creative and he marveled at the adjectives she strung together to insult his manhood, but he also felt the tension begin to leave her body. The cursing slowed. Her body shivered in his arms. He waited a couple more centons before he reached to turn the water from full cold to tepid warm.
She didn't try to push away and he eased his grip on her as her head fell to his chest. He reached again, adding a bit more warmth to the water. Her arms encircled him and held on, and they stood like that for a few more moments before he asked, "Better?"
She nodded into his chest and he added another degree or two to the temperature before pulling back to get a look at her. He gently brushed the wet hair from her face to take in the damage that had been done. Truth be told, he'd needed the cold shower too as he was going to kill someone for this.
He thought of asking again who it might have been, who did he need to track down and murder, but she looked up into his eyes, lost and wounded. He cupped the undamaged side of her face and leaned down to kiss her. It was a kiss of apology, for all the wrongs she had suffered at the hands of others. His lips left hers as he moved them gently across her face trying to kiss away the pain. She was kissing him back, passionately, almost frantic and he wondered if Jake was right, frak or fight. Fracking definitely did less damage.
He reached for the collar of her jumpsuit, seeing the handprints that ringed her neck. He touched them softly, before sliding the wet material off her shoulder. He reached for the fastenings as her hands slid his sodden jacket from his shoulders. Her coveralls fell off easily leaving her bare and exposed. In relief he saw that there were no wounds, her skin smooth and perfect. He hated having to step away to tug his tunic over his head, but she was there helping him, pushing it up for him. Her kisses trailed down his chest before they both leaned down to undo his boots, she taking the right while he took the left, casting them outside of the turbo stall before her hands were on his belt buckle, his holster dropping loudly to the floor. The wet pants were a struggle to remove, clinging to him. It was almost comical, but he was able to get them stripped off and tossed out the door as well without removing his gentle hold of her. A win of some sort that she held on too. He tried to calm things down, to add some tenderness to the situation, but Rene was still full of pent up violence, and it was hard to slow her down.
"Shhh," he whispered to her, as he tried to capture the hands that were clawing at him. She was going to leave marks. She nipped at his chest. "Gentle," he said softly. She stilled for a moment before leaning into him, a soft sob escaping from her. He realized his mistake and began kissing her just as passionately as she had been a moment before. It took a couple of heartbeats before she responded in kind, but not as fervently as before, her hands reaching to hold rather than to cling and clutch.
He let her lead from there as he didn't know what she wanted, to be held or to be loved, to be made whole, or to at least win one fight that day. He knew this would be better completed in their bed, but he suspected Jake and Bojay had not left their quarters. He couldn't tell just by listening, so he settled for towels thrown across the floor, his own back on the cold hard decking. He let her subdue him.
He held her after as her shoulders shook. Whether it was from the cold, her frustration at having lost a fight, or the ebbing adrenaline, he didn't ask. He just held her until she was ready to let go. He lay there listening to her ragged breathing slow as she gained some control of her emotions.
"I should have had someone come get me. I was stupid." She finally spoke, her head still resting on his chest as he suppressed his own shiver.
"You weren't stupid. Apparently, I was. I thought that you should be safe here on the Galactica. You were in Wilker's lab?" He wanted to chastise her for leaving the council chambers, but that was pointless now. She was going to bear the marks of disobeying him for all to see.
"Yeah. I tracked down Peryton and," she hesitated.
"And?"
"Something Crius said. He's right. I should be doing more so I found Peryton and told him everything about how I jump."
Starbuck pondered her words, not sure if he knew everything himself about what she could do or if he could even put into words what he did know. "Everything?" he asked.
"Yeah, how I found it, how I do it. Where I've gone. He's got ideas and…I tried to help."
She shivered and he pulled her in tighter. She'd been trying to do the right thing, finally. She didn't deserve to suffer for it.
"If he can do something with it to help the fleet, that's a good thing," he said, wanting to ask for himself all that meant, but wondering if she would tell him.
"He thinks he can weaponize it. He might be onto something." Her hand that was on his chest started to stroke a spot she seemed to like, right beside his sternum over his heart.
"Weaponize it or weaponize you?" he clarified, not liking the idea of Rene involved in explosions.
Her hand paused before resuming the slow circles. "He thinks he can do it without me, but you have a point. He thinks we can just open voids in places, swallow things whole. I don't know. Too technical for me and I was tired so I was heading for the council chambers and…"
She trailed off, not finishing the thought.
He completed it in his mind, that she had for once felt safe on the Galactica. She had felt like the corridors of the upper command were familiar and she was comfortable enough to walk home alone. He moved up to the top of his list of duties interrogating Bojay to find out who it was who destroyed the trust Starbuck had spent sectons building. He was going to make the man pay.
"You need to stick close to me for a while until I find out who hit you and have them killed. Can you do that?"
"Yeah," she mumbled into his chest. "It won't be so horrible to spend some time with you."
He smiled at that before he blurted out, "I know who killed Brody."
Her hand froze and she shifted as she lifted her head from his chest to look at him.
"It wasn't me," she said warily.
"I know. I know who did, well, not exactly who but I know who knows."
She didn't say anything, still staring at him, her face implaccable except for a hard glint to her eye.
"Chief Tyrol knows who, or it might be him who did it. Either way, the official record shows he never ever did a preflight check, and everyone knew that but me, his Strike Wing Captain. Had he run the check and located his missing breather, he'd be alive, so I'll be running my check at least three times before a launch from now on, and assuming you run it three times for me before I get there."
She nodded slowly. "You can count on it." Then she lowered her head back down. He waited for her to relax, but after a few moments he wasn't sure she would. He was never totally sure why he decided now was the time to ask about the questions that were plaguing his thoughts, naked on the washroom floor. He put thoughts into his words, but not as much as he should have into the timing.
"Who killed your father? I know it wasn't you, but who?"
Rene froze, her body going tight in his arms like a spring, then unfroze as she moved quickly to pull away from him. He tightened his grip and she barked at him in panic, "Don't touch me!"
He loosened his hold, but he did not let go, sitting up with her as he spoke quickly. "I saw the police report and your father's records. He didn't die in combat. He was home and you found him. I know you didn't do it."
She shoved him away hard, her eyes panicked. He let her go. She scrambled backwards, not getting to her feet, until her back hit a wall.
"I didn't do it." She said softly before barking again as he made to move towards her, "Don't touch me!"
He held up his hands in surrender, letting her see that he would do as she asked. "Rene, it's okay. It was a long time ago and …and I know you didn't do it. You were eight for frak's sake. But I think I deserve some truth. I think I should know if…" The look in her eyes, wounded, angry, scared, wary, so very very wary almost made him stop. Instead, he sat back for a moment, gazing at her bruised face, before he reached for the towels around them. He pulled one from the floor handing it to her. She didn't reach for it until he slowly draped it across her, trying to give her something to make her feel a little less vulnerable. He then reached for one for himself, standing up to wrap it around his waist before sitting back down on the floor in front of her. She had tucked the towel around her, pulling her knees up under it as she hugged them to her.
"Yeah this isn't ideal," he thought to himself, "but she's still here, so I'm not aborting my mission."
He glanced down for a moment thinking before he met her suspicious glare. "I think I know who you are and you aren't a killer. You try to handle your problems in a lot of clever ways, but you aren't a killer. I think you might inspire others to kill, like I want to murder someone right now for laying hands on you in the corridors of MY SHIP!" His voice rose and she flinched and he held his hands up again, taking another breath. "And I think that's what happened. Someone else killed your dad, but you probably know who. I just think it might be something I should know, something that might help me to understand you and us better."
"How did you find out, I mean why now, I…"
He stopped her with a hand gesture, one of the rats asking for patience. "Zara from the IFB. At the wedding she had pictures of when we were younger, mostly fleet records, arrest records actually and I got curious about you. I liked seeing them and asked her to send them to me and one of the first ones was your induction to the Colonial Childcare system and the police report on your father's death was attached. You had told me he died in combat, but it said he committed suicide, so," he hesitated wondering if what he had done was right or a breach of privacy. It didn't matter now. "I found your dad's records and put the pieces together. After finding out about who killed Brody, it made sense that your dad didn't commit suicide. Someone helped him die. Was it Jake?"
"No," Rene scoffed. "I didn't know Jake then."
"Right, yeah. First guess. He would though. For you. And he's not the only one who would." He halted, briefly counting how many people he knew right now that would be willing to hurt anyone who was doing Rene harm. She had a way of inspiring loyalty. She'd won him over in one night. "You didn't kill him because someone else did it for you."
She nodded, closing her eyes for a moment before meeting his gaze again. He was shocked at the admission. He expected her to use the Rat's code and say nothing.
He reached for her, but stopped when she flinched away. He stifled the sigh, reminding himself to go slow, to speak from the heart.
"You know I would kill for you. If your dad was alive today I'd kill him again, and it wouldn't look like a suicide. I mean, once you got all the pieces together that I tore apart." He threw all his anger into the words, suddenly needing to punch something. It worked, lowering her walls a little as her lips curled up at the edges, not quite a smile, but close enough.. "You know why I'm having a hard time working with Pallus and it has nothing to do with his taunts. I want to kill him for what he did to you. I love you and I just…" he paused again, swallowing down his anger. "Aren't you tired of keeping all the secrets from me? Isn't it exhausting having to keep your stories straight? I know I'm tired of having to dig myself out from under the pile just to find out what you're willing to tell me. I don't want to hurt you Rene. I just want to understand you and your life. I want to help."
She evaluated him for a long moment before nodding, accepting his words. Then she unpursed her lips, her voice softer than a whisper when she spoke, "It was Arimis."
"Oh,." The words were almost like a punch to the gut. It wasn't what he expected, but it explained so much, why she felt responsible for her brother, and he for her. It explained almost her whole life, why she made sure her brother got into to the academy, and why she made sure he didn't stay on the Galactica in what she thought was harm's way. It also explained why Ari had freaked out knowing they would be separated. Even for the centaur while in the bunk room playing cards, Ari had been nervous without Rene by his side. He had been the older brother, but from the moment Starbuck had met the two, it seemed it was Rene that looked out for him.
It also helped to illuminate why she was having a hard time fitting in and trusting in anyone. She had helped to kill the one person who knew her darkest secret. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, she didn't trust herself.
Starbuck knew he'd been the one to wield the blade that severed the deepest bond she'd had in her life. Closing his eyes, he tried to breathe through the thick veil of guilt before again focusing on Rene. "What happened?'
He hadn't expected her to tell him, but he'd waded in this far. He nearly jolted in shock when she spoke.
"Daniel had found out about my dad and what he was doing to me. They got into a huge fight. Daniel was going to tell and they…" She hesitated and Starbuck gently reached out a hand to her, placing it lightly on her knee.
"Please don't touch me!" she snapped, but at least she said please so he didn't take it away.
"Rene," he said as tenderly as he could, "I am fighting every urge inside me to wrap you in my arms, where you should be right now, so for frak's sake, let me touch you."
It wasn't quite consent, but she sucked in a deep breath, lowering her head again as she drew in another. He gripped his small handhold as she continued. "It was a bad fight, punching and breaking things and Daniel left. He said he was going to turn dad into the military, but the next day Daniel was gone. I was eight and no one would tell me what really happened. But things stopped for a while, so I thought maybe Daniel had turned him in and was just hiding somewhere or,..Daniel didn't come home and my dad said he never would and…Pre academy or something, which I now know isn't a thing but…." She looked back up to him. "I was eight, what the frak did I know other than things got better. So in a way, I guess, Daniel did protect me. For a while."
"For a while," Starbuck echoed knowing how these sorts of things go. "And then it wasn't good," he prompted her to continue.
"He said I was the only one who knew the way he liked it. So yeah, it got bad. And one night after he'd….he went back to his room and a little while later Ari came into my room saying he did it and he was covered in blood and we were going to run away somewhere and…he was eleven for Sagan's sake. Where were we going to go? I didn't even really understand what he meant until he took me to show me and…it was so much blood and I…" Her voice cracked as she balked. She winced and seemed to swallow down her emotions, a light fading from her eyes before she continued. "So I wrote the suicide note, and called the police instead of the military security. And…"
She looked past him in the distance for a moment before meeting his eyes. " I think the cop knew. He made sure we were all separated and we stayed that way for a few yahrens. I went to one home, Ari to another, Daniel was at some farm. It's why I screwed it up with so many foster parents. I figured they'd send me back to a home Ari was at. Finally they did. By then our foster dad Oren found us, and he didn't want me, just Daniel and Ari, but we were a package deal, you know?"
"Yeah," Starbuck said, referring more to Jake and Rene than Ari and Rene. "And the cop thought it was you, not Ari?"
She smirked. "Not just the cop. A lot of people. And that was okay. I could use it sometimes to make people scared of me."
Starbuck nodded, reaching out placing his other hand on her arm, testing the waters for a moment before moving closer and pulling her into his arms. She didn't resist, but she didn't relax either, remaining stiff as he tried to show her he wasn't scared of her.
"He loved you."
She choked on a sarcastic laugh. "And what did it get him?"
"You didn't kill him."
"I know, you told me." She awkwardly gripped his arm as if trying to pull it tighter around herself. "But I don't remember. I know I was there and I get a sense of blood and his face. I don't remember."
When Starbuck met his end, he knew he'd have to tell the Lords about this moment when he should have had the courage to remind Rene of what happened, that he was the one who had killed her brother. In his hubris, believing he was the illustrious Colonial Warrior, gold clusters and all, he had recklessly burst into the room, causing the solenite to detonate. He'd killed the boy.
But at that moment, he couldn't do it.
Doctor Salik thought she'd get most of her memories back eventually from the damage done by a deep cylon brain probe. Some were trickling back in, he could tell, but so far they had been good memories. Having forgotten the part he played in her brother's death, Rene had lowered her defenses with him. In the end she had pulled the trigger, and he was glad she didn't remember that moment. It had made him more wary of her. In a weird way the Cylons had done him a favor, leveling the playing field of their ongoing trust issues. He focused on who created the situation that led to his betrayal.
"It wasn't your fault. It was Dante that laid the charges. That's all you need to remember. That's all that matters."
It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth. It served as a reminder that maybe some truths didn't need to be revealed.
"I'm sorry," he said, pulling her into his arms even closer now that she was softening and letting him. She shook her head no.
"It's not your fault either." She said softly, giving in to his embrace.
"I know, but it doesn't change that he's not here with you. And I'm sorry about what your father did to you and that you didn't feel you had many other options. I'm sorry that Ari felt that was his only option and," he paused as Rene burrowed into his arms and he held her tight, hoping that she knew he wanted to make everything right. He wished he could give her a better home and childhood and erase the destruction and her yahrens with Dante. He couldn't, but he fervently hoped to make things better from here. He held onto her and the hope.
"I'm sorry for a lot of things," he whispered. "I wanted it to be good for you here and that everything that happened to you with Dante as your commander would fade away. But you guys were right. His borays are still here and I should have listened to you. It's not my Galactica anymore. It's changed and I need to listen and hear what you think is going on and how we should change. I'm sorry I've not been a better husband and have been wrapped up in my job."2
Pulling away a little, she spoke, trying to contradict him, but he interrupted her. "No, don't tell me it's fine and it's okay and all that felgercarb. I was so focused on the enemy outside the Galactica that I didn't see the one that's inside. What's the point of finding Earth or defeating the Cylons if we are rotten to the core. So I'm sorry, and I'm sorry for what I'm about to do."
Warily, Rene looked up to him. He decided he should just spit it out. "I'm your husband, and your friend but I'm also your Captain. You've been attacked and injured. We are going to the life center. You are going to file a report. We are going to do this the right way. Then you are going to be under my protection for a while."
Looking away she shook her head. "Starbuck, I stabbed a man."
"It was self-defense."
She snorted. "This won't go well."
"Look at me please," he whispered. He tried not to react to her eyes rolling before meeting his gaze. "You may be right, and when you are, you can tell me 'I told you so' as much as you like. But I can't give up hope yet that my old fleet doesn't exist. I still believe that there are good people within our command who will seek justice and keep you safe. Adama is still in charge. We are still on the Galactica."
She rolled her eyes again, but nodded, so he continued. "After that, I need to cancel our date because we are having a Copper Squadron meeting where I have some things to discuss. But more importantly," he paused, leaning forward to kiss the side of her unbruised cheek, before whispering, "I want to listen."
She pressed her own lips to his cheek, holding the kiss for a long moment before she whispered back, "It won't be what you want to hear."
A hundred different replies ran through his mind, ranging from sarcastic to flippant, to the simple truth that the Rats didn't always see things as they were. Instead, he pulled back a little so he could meet Rene's eyes, where he watched the storms roiling within them. She had seen so much he hadn't with a front row seat to the end of Caprica. He had to give her some credit that she might see things now he couldn't or wouldn't. .
"I know. So you may have to speak slowly and put it into small words. Command has made me stupid."
The joke earned him a smirk, that he couldn't resist kissing. Her lips held on to his longer than he'd intended. He suspected that she was attempting to distract him from what needed to happen next, a trip to the Life Center, but since they had so little time in their busy lives, and so little clothing between them, he followed her diversion.
