A Mushroom suffered for this:

Immortal


Chapter 19: Sailor Morret


There was silence that followed Jaune's declaration. Yang chanced a glance down at one of Torchwick's goons, and noticed his expression was pretty much exactly like how she felt; exasperation, disbelief, and a general look of being done with everything.

The silence was promptly broken by Ruby's exclamation of, "Yang, it's Uncle Qrow!"

The sheer stupidity of the statement brought Yang back to the present, and she stared incredulously at her sister. "Wha- no, Ruby, Uncle Qrow has black hair!"

"Oh." Ruby paused for a beat, then pointed again, exclaiming, "Uncle Qrow, you dyed your hair?!"

The empty street echoed with the sound of Yang's palm meeting her forehead. "No, Ruby, that's not Uncle Qrow!"

Ruby turned to her, confusion across her face. "But Yang, look! He's obviously incredibly drunk!"

Yang grimaced. "You're not wrong, but you do know more people get drunk than Qrow, right?"

Ruby raised an eyebrow. "That drunk?"

"...some people get as drunk as Uncle Qrow. Look, Ruby, that's obviously Jaune! He did this the last time when he thought he was Yellowbeard!"

Ruby squinted at the swaying figure on the rooftop, who had produced another bottle of something and was currently knocking it back with ease of an athlete downing water. "Well, he does look a bit like Jaune, but Yellowbeard was definitely someone different!"

Yang's palm met her forehead again. Whatever response she might have had died on her lips, however, when Roman spoke up. "Like...dude...not cool. There's no way you're gonna stop...stop…" Roman paused, then turned to the closest henchman. "Who was he trying to stop again?"

"...us, sir."

"Yeah! That's it!" Roman turned back to Jaune, bringing Melodic Cudgel to bear. "You'll, like, never stop us!"

"Oh-hic-yeah?!" Jaune challenged back, swaying dangerously in place. "Jusht watshh me…" With that, Jaune took a tentative step back, paused, and suddenly rushed forward, leaping right off the roof. For a brief moment, everyone held their breath, watching Jaune fly into the night sky with the shattered moon at his back as he flipped forward…

…and landed to the ground below in a tangled mess of limbs, the air driven from his lungs by the action with a noise that sounded somehow like a huff, a groan, a mutter, a curse cut short, and a man with a severe case of hiccups. Yang, Ruby, and even a few of the Red Axe gang sympathetically winced. Roman simply took a long drag off of his latest blunt, releasing the acrid cloud into the air, and grimaced. "This is going to be, like, my most difficult battle ever…" he murmured with undue gravitas. Slowly, everyone save Jaune turned to face Roman, their faces echoing their disbelief at the absurd sentiment…


"We've got word of Jaune's whereabouts." Ren spoke up, causing Nora to pause, still holding up the battered form of one poor, innoce- well, poor Red Axe gang member, whose face was already bruised and battered from Nora's inept and unwarranted interrogation technique. The Club, already having once faced the might and wrath of one Beacon Huntress, had found itself being destroyed again by yet another, as despite Ren's attempt to keep the peace, Nora had decided out of nowhere that Junior's men had been responsible for Jaune's disappearance.

Nora gasped. "Is he okay?! Is he hurt?" She dropped the man unceremoniously, who slumped over, groaning piteously.

Ren's eyes flickered over his scroll at the message he'd received, frowning as he silently mouthed what he'd been sent, brow furrowing deeper with each passing word. "I…think so? Yang and Ruby found him, but…apparently according to Yang, we have another 'Yellowbeard' situation,' whatever that's supposed to mean." He closed his scroll, and stepped over the unconscious form of Junior, pausing to remove a handful of Lien from his pocket to place gingerly on his body. "They're in the Artisanal District. I've sent a message to Pyrrha and the rest."

Nora whirled around, brandishing Magnhild with fire in her eyes. "What? Jauney got captured by Yellowbeard!?"

Ren's frown grew deeper. "Perhaps. If he's involved, then I'm sure that we should be able to easily find him by following his trail of destruction."

Nora raced past him in a pink and white blur, pausing only to stop and turn on her heel to face Ren. "What are you waiting for?! We've got to hurry!"


Pyrrha frowned. As the Goddess of Victory, finding Jaune and taking her just reward should have been a cakewalk. Was this not a hunt? Was she not the greatest of the Huntresses? And yet, despite combing Vale, and asking every citizen she could find, she'd seen nor heard any indication of Jaune's presence! It was vexing, to say the least. She had to channel her divine powers, to bring about a miracle-

Bzzz-bzzzt

Pyrrha paused her internal diatribe as her pocket vibrated. Pulling out her Scroll, she quickly opened it to reveal the message within. 'Jaune's been spotted. Meet us at the Artisanal district. -Ren.'

Pyrrha nodded sagely to herself, satisfied. There it was. Jaune had been found, all thanks to her holy powers, and their bond written in the stars. Reassured of her own divinity, Pyrrha quickly rushed off into the Valean night, for her date with destiny…


Bzzzzzzz

Weiss stopped and glanced up at her erstwhile ally and teammate, frowning. "Ugh! I can't tell if that's your Scroll going off or that wretched toy of yours!"

Blake, for her part, at least had the decency to go slightly red when called out, and she opened her mouth, perhaps to weakly protest, but paused when a second buzzing alerted her. "...that one is my Scroll."

"Ugh, answer it then!" Weiss snapped. Blake opened up the scroll, her eyes scanning the sent text, and her brow furrowed in open confusion. "Well?" Weiss demanded, "What does it say?"

"It says…" Blake paused again, as if in disbelief, "They found Jaune in the Artisanal District."

Weiss' glower deepened. "Then what's the problem?!"

"It mentions something Yang saying that there's another 'Yellowbeard Incident?'"

At once, Weiss' glare dropped. "If Yellowbeard is involved, then Jaune, Yang, and Ruby might be in trouble!"

"There's no time to lose then," Blake intoned, the seriousness of her statement and tone undercut by the faint buzzing noise that followed her constantly.

With that, the two proceeded to rush off into the night, hightailing it to the Artisanal District as fast as they could move…


Melodic Cudgel whistled as it passed through the air, striking with enough force to fell even the mightiest of Huntsmen. The weapon itself only just barely missed its target, having dodged the attack at the last second, and letting the tip of the cane barely muss their hair. The two combatants disengaged briefly, leaping back and getting into neutral position as they eyed each other with a combination of wariness, and respect.

"So," Roman Torchwick smirked, smoke clenched between his teeth, "You're better than you look, Tuxedo Flask. A pity you're wasting your talents protecting this shithole of a city, rather than using them for more nefarious ends…"

Tuxedo Flask scoffed, glaring daggers at his foe. "Hmph. I'd expect that kind of foolish sentiment from a dishonest scoundrel like yourself! I'll never turn on this city, or its people!"

Roman sneered, and shook his head. "Pathetic. Fine, if that's how you want to play, then be my guest! Let's see you protect your precious city after I beat you half to death!"

With that, Roman lunged forward, swinging his cane wildly, only to be met with Tuxedo Flask's own onslaught, parrying or dodging blows, and retaliating with some open handed strikes of his own. Punches, kicks, headbutts; the two went at each other with the kind of ferocity only two destined rivals could, their battle the kind told about in stories long-

"So, uh…" Ruby spoke up awkwardly as she watched Jaune and Roman weakly and limply flail at each other in what she assumed was them trying to fight each other, "What…what do we do now?"

Yang sighed. She felt kind of bad watching what could very, very generously be described as a 'struggle,' and wondered if she should step in and separate the two. "What do you mean?"

Ruby gestured weakly to the Red Axe gang members who were watching, looking just as awkward and uneasy as the two Huntresses were. "I mean…do we fight them, or…?"

Yang glanced at the suited men, who in turn gazed back, their expressions unreadable. "I mean…are you guys…?" Yang trailed off, leaving the question in the air.

One of them sighed, and rubbed the back of his neck, lips thinning in a frown. "...Nah, the mood's gone."

Yang nodded. "Yeah, I hear you. Should we just grab our guy and go?"

The man sighed deeply, shoulders slumping in exasperation. "Might as well. We'll do the same."

"A bakery though?" Yang queried, sounding more confused than anything.

The Red Axe members collectively winced. "Look, our orders were to 'get some dough,' and we assumed it was a bank robbery. Then Torchwick led us here, and we thought it was just some easy money. Turns out though, he was really planning on getting dough…"

"Didn't you guys realize that he's more baked than the shop's goods?"

The man glowered. "I mean, we know now. I mean, I know he was tokin' a doobie, but I didn't think he was that blitzed…"

Yang sighed. "Man, I never thought I'd ever say this, but I feel really bad for you guys."

"What's his story?" The Red Axe member gestured vaguely to Jaune, who was at this point attempting to put a potted plant into a chokehold while Roman poked his side with his cane and giggled.

"Blasted," Yang responded, "Just on a different wavelength."

"Why's he dressed like that guy from those Scroll toons?" Another gang member chimed in, scratching his head in open confusion. By this point, the 'combatants' had finally started attacking each other again, but no more violently than when they'd first started, giving the bystanders the equivalent of two geriatrics getting into a fight over the retirement home remote control.

"What part of 'Blasted' don't you get?" Yang cocked an eyebrow.

BLAM! The sound of Melodic Cudgel's dust launcher going off echoed through the street, the projectile going wide and igniting the contents of an alleyway dumpster. Ruby, Yang, and the Red Axes all winced simultaneously. "We should…just grab Jaune and go…" Ruby chimed in at last.

"Shtay back…hic…evildoers! Theresh more than enough of me to go 'round…hic!" Jaune drunkenly proclaimed, turning to face them as he swayed dangerously in place.

Yang took a step forward, hand raised in a placating manner. "Easy there, Tuxedo Flask. Look, your job here is done, okay?"

Jaune's eyes narrowed. "Ish not…Roman and hish clone are shtill over there…'' he slurred, pointing vaguely in the direction that the high 'Master Thief' was standing. Said thief was now distracted trying to roll another joint, his original one having fallen to the ground during the 'battle' and his foggy memory having forgotten he had one in the first place.

Without missing a beat, Yang continued, "The Sailor Huntresses have been made aware of Roman and are on their way now. You don't want to upstage them when they get here, right? It would totally ruin your mysterious image."

Jaune's eyes slowly widened as the information filtered into his sodden brain and he nodded. "That'sh…that'sh good thinking…I…I should prolly go now…" He stumbled forward, almost falling over, but Ruby rushed forward in a cloud of petals and caught him before he could tip all the way over, leading him over to her sister and lowering him safely into a sitting position.

Roman, on the other hand, paused, his eyes widening as well. "Whoah, the Sailor Huntresses? There's like…" Roman raised his hand as though to count them, but didn't speak any more as he watched his fingers curl up and down along his palm.

"Uh, sir?" A Red Axe gang member spoke up.

"Huh?" Roman responded, sounding particularly confused as though the gang member had just dragged him out of a slumber. "What's going on?"

"We…have to go, sir."

Roman grinned suddenly. "Oh yeah! You guys hungry? I'm famished all of the sudden…" There was a murmur of half-hearted agreement from the Red Axe gang, and the entire group began to stroll off into the Valean night.

Ruby watched them walk away, then turned back to Yang and Jaune, the latter of whom was sitting on the ground, a mostly empty bottle of Rose-Gold Whiskey in his hand from who knew where. "How did you know how to get them to stop fighting?"

Yang grinned. "C'mon lil' sis, I'm a partier myself. I've dealt with more than a few drunk and/or high folks in my time. Plus, you know…Uncle Qrow?"

"Right," Ruby nodded. "So how are we gonna get him all the way back to Beacon"

"Ohmygod, Jauney, are you okay?!" The panicked voice of Nora echoed through the streets of the Artisanal District, causing a number of windows to open up and a cacophony of 'shushes' to be yelled out as the formerly sleeping residents demanded quiet. The shortstack Huntress rushed in and was at Jaune's side in an instant. "Did they hurt you? Are you okay?"

Jaune stared hard at Nora for a few moments, his brow narrowing in intense concentration, then…"Are-hic-Are you a Sailor Huntressh?" He managed to slur in a theatrical whisper.

It was a surprise that Nora of all people actually looked caught off guard. "A…what?"

Jaune grinned a drunken, conspiratorial grin, and leaned in. "You shee…I'm Tuxedo Flask…"

Nora turned her head to Yang, her expression morphing into a look of confusion, and Yang simply mimed drinking from a bottle. When Nora's expression still continued to look confused, Yang sighed and approached. "Look, he's plastered beyond words. Just…help us drag him back to Beacon."

"All right?" Nora still seemed confused about the situation, but she knelt down and took one of Jaune's arms over her shoulders, and Yang did the same, hoisting the sauced trainee Huntsman to his feet. Most of his weight ended up on Yang, due to the height differences between the three, but the ginger girl did her best to help keep Jaune on his feet. Ruby followed behind, with one last look at the Bakery with a look that was far more dramatic than the prior situation would have allowed for.

The four had only made it to the end of the street, when they were stopped by a voice, echoing loudly through the entirety of what felt like Vale. "GREETINGS, STUDENTS!"

Yang winced, nearly dropping Jaune to the ground as she tried to cover her ears. Higher story windows flung open as a multitude of just woken Valean residents prepared to chastise who'd ever made that racket. However, upon seeing the figure at the end of the road, nearly every single person immediately jumped back inside, slamming their windows shut with a sound of finality. "Who in the…?" Yang began, wondering who it was who could have yelled so loud that she was certain he'd woken civilians up all the way on the other side of Vale.

Standing at the end of the street, illuminated by a single street lamp in the growing Valean gloom, was none other than one Professor Peter Port. His arms were akimbo, and his mustache tweaked up in a manner that may have suggested he was smiling jovially. Jaune gave a drunken half-gasp. "H-holy shit, it's Profeshor Port!"

"Oh great. Just what we needed, to get bored to tears while we try to drag you back. Maybe the Prof can help haul you over to a Bullhead…" Yang muttered dryly.

Jaune gasped. "Yang! You can't shay that! He-he-he once -hic- he once threw a grenade, and killed like…five Grimm…and then it exploded!" The drunken blond boy exclaimed in a reverent (albeit still absolutely hammered) tone of voice.

Before Yang could inform Jaune as to how incredibly insane and stupid his statement sounded, Nora gasped with shock. "I heard about that! I heard that underneath Professor Port's mustache is another Blunderbuss!"

Yang deadpanned, turning to face the ginger girl. "Nora, please stop encouraging him. You're not even drunk, you don't have an excuse. It's Professor Port!"

Nora shook her head from side to side, clicking her tongue. "Tsk tsk. Yang, I can't believe you've never heard the Professor Port facts."

"Facts?!"

"Yep. Facts. Like did you know that when Professor Port goes swimming, Professor Port doesn't get wet, water gets Port."

Yang's eye twitched. "That doesn't even make sense!"

"He's jusht that powerful!" Jaune drunkenly chimed in. "I heard-hic- I heard that he doesn't sleep…he waits."

Nora shivered theatrically. "We shouldn't keep him waiting. Who knows what he'll do to us if we upset him!"

As the silhouette of Professor Port, backlit by the streetlights of Vale, approached the trio, Jaune turned to Nora, the two of them hugging each other tightly and shaking in fear, and Yang sighed, shoulder slumping. "Ruby?"

Ruby, who'd remained behind them the whole time, spoke up. "Yeah sis?"

"Am I drunk?"

"Are you?"

"No," Yang responded, dejected, "But Brothers, do I wish I was…"


Death Count: 2,045


A/N: What's this? Another chapter of Immortal?! Impossible! Is he back? Well, no. I made a bet with someone and when they pulled through, I owed them a new chapter of Immortal. This took forever to get out, but Lives? Here's your chapter. Don't say I'm not a man of my word.