ANBU Tiger shifted uncomfortably, a bead of sweat trickling down his face behind his mask. It was excruciatingly hot under his armor, there was a spot on his back that itched terribly, and his arm had gone numb about an hour ago.

If there was one thing that the Hokage's personal ANBU guards hated, it was the floorboards assignment. There were only so many places to hide inside the Hokage's office, after all. Before the shift had begun, Tiger had been the one to draw the short straw, and so he had been forced to lie underneath the floorboards, contorted into an awkward position that allowed him to spring up and break through the floor at a moment's notice but did no favors to his spine or neck.

I fucking hate this place. Can't we get someone to spruce it up? Maybe expand this hidey-hole a little so it doesn't feel like a sweltering torture chamber?

You already know the higher-ups would never allow it, ANBU Jackal replied.

And why the hell not?

Their logic is that they suffered through the same thing, so we must too.

Fuckers.

You know it.

Tiger sighed internally as he retreated from the mental link that ANBU Frog provided. Due to the ANBU's need for stealth, there was always a Yamanaka on the Hokage's personal force. Tiger had no idea how other nations' ANBU were able to do things without the convenience of instantaneous telepathic communication.

Hey, what if we ask Cat for a favor? ANBU Ferret suggested. He'll help us out, right?

You want to ask him? Jackal said incredulously.

I mean, yeah. He has the mokuton, doesn't he? Should be a piece of cake for him to make some alterations.

Tiger perked up. Hey that's right. Why don't we ask him?

...

...

...

Fuck, Tiger and Ferret said in unison.

Yup, Jackal sighed.

Wait, I'm missing something, Frog spoke up in confusion. Isn't Cat chill?

Sure is, Jackal agreed. Guy's dependable, consistent, and competent to the extreme. Can't ask for a better squadmate. The problem is who Cat's associated with.

Who are you talking about – oh. OH FUCKING HELL.

I would sooner insert a senbon between my C6 and C7 vertebrae than willingly deal with Hatake, Tiger said with a mental shiver.

I DID get a senbon inserted between my C6 and C7 vertebrae when I went over to his place to fetch him for the meeting a few days ago, Ferret whimpered. I thought the Hokage was just overreacting when he sent an entire ANBU team over there with me appointed as the leader. Who the fuck booby traps their apartment so extensively?

There's a reason why only a select few Yamanaka are allowed to enter the guy's head, Frog said grimly. Bastard's a nutcase.

Yup. And if we ever go to Cat for a favor, you already know that Hatake would get involved one way or another.

Damn. So we're stuck with the shitty floorboards? Tiger asked.

We're stuck with the shitty floorboards, Jackal confirmed forlornly. Speaking of which, we have incoming. Three people... oh speak of the devil. It's Hatake and his genin brats.

Wonder if Hatake passed them this time.

Of course he did. I doubt he was given an option not to. It's the Uchiha and the Jinchuuriki. The Hokage even made a personal trip to his apartment, and you already know the Council is downright salivating at that team.

Hold on. You're saying that Hatake was forced to pass those two?

Indeed I am.

Those kids are so fucked, Ferret chortled.

That they are. That they are.

Alright, that's enough, Frog said. Radio silence, everyone. Look alive.

They all withdrew from the mental link and prepared to act. Granted, the odds of Kakashi or his brats actually attacking the Hokage were infinitesimally small, but an ANBU's job was to be paranoid. They were positioned so that they could defend from all avenues of attack: Tiger was beneath the floorboards, Frog was hidden inside the potted plant, Jackal was waiting behind the wall to the left, and Ferret was prepared to drop down from the ceiling at any time.

Theoretically speaking, they should have been perfectly hidden by the plethora of seals inscribed by four generations of Hokages. Any sound they made was canceled by an inverse wave, their scents were neutralized, and their chakra signatures were cloaked.

Of course, that fact didn't stop Kakashi from looking around the room and locating them all in a single second before giving a cheery wave. And unlike Jackal, he didn't even have a Byakugan to help.

Fucking show-off.

Oddly, Kakashi then cast a glance at a far section of the wall to the right that nobody was hiding behind. A false positive? Tiger smiled. Looked like he wasn't so perfect after all. Small victories.

"Kakashi," Sarutobi greeted with a smile, drawing Kakashi's attention to him. "And Naruto and Sasuke as well. What brings you three here?"

"Old man!" Naruto shouted with a large grin on his face, running up to the Hokage without any sense of respect or decorum. "We just took our genin test!"

"Apparently so," Sarutobi said, his eyes crinkling with fondness. "And did you pass?"

"Nah, didn't wanna."

There was a long moment of silence. Confusion filtered into the mental link as the ANBU wondered if they had heard correctly.

Sarutobi blinked. "I'm sorry?"

Naruto shot a quick look over at Kakashi, who was standing with a relaxed pose at the back of the office, hands in his pockets and a slight slouch to his back as he looked over the proceedings with his eyes glazed over. Sasuke was next to him, a blank expression on his face, though his eyes flickered slightly.

Then Naruto looked back at the Hokage and leaned in with a conspiratorial air.

"Kakashi-sensei's kinda a dick."

He said this in a volume that was probably meant to be a whisper but still was loud enough that everyone in the room heard it loud and clear. Kakashi gave no reaction, and Sasuke's breathing was a little too even, suggesting that he had just suppressed a sigh. Or a snort. One of the two.

Sarutobi took a moment to respond. "You should respect your elders, Naruto," he said. "Kakashi is a very skilled and renowned jounin that I personally handpicked to be your sensei."

"You're not denying it."

"He is the elite of the elite, his prowess being respected internationally by everyone from the lowliest genin to even rival nations' Kage."

"He was three hours late to our first ever meeting."

"The Copy Ninja Kakashi is a moniker feared by many. It isn't every day you get the opportunity to be taught by such a man."

"He was six hours late to our genin test!"

Sarutobi opened his mouth, paused, and shot Kakashi an incredulous look. Kakashi suddenly became very interested in the ceiling. Sarutobi's lips thinned but he continued anyway. "Patience is a virtue extolled by many, and for a good reason."

"We're shinobi! Who cares about virtues?"

"Naruto," Sarutobi smiled the my patience is about to snap smile. "Kakashi is your jounin sensei. The only jounin sensei I'll give you. You need to pass the test."

Naruto crossed his arms stubbornly. "Well, I don't want him."

"Even if you get sent to the genin corps?"

"Doesn't matter," Naruto boasted. "Not even the genin corps can hold back the might of Naruto Uzumaki. I'll become Hokage either way, believe it!"

They had a brief staredown, a twelve-year-old genin – no, not even a genin yet. An academy student entering a battle of wills with the Third Hokage himself.

Sarutobi broke first. He let out a deep sigh, reached into his desk, and drew out an Ichiraku delivery form.

"How many bowls?"

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "Do you think you can bribe me?!"

"Would twenty work?"

"How dare you?!" he howled in outrage. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki! My will cannot be swayed so easily. If you think you can buy me off, think again!"

"Naruto..." Sasuke spoke up, his tone flat.

"What, bastard?"

Sasuke looked pointedly at how Naruto was shaking the Hokage's hand with one hand and filling out the delivery form with the other.

"Oh," Naruto coughed as he gingerly set the pen down and stepped away. "Sorry. My hands slipped." He whirled on the Hokage and scowled. "That was a dirty trick."

"There was no trick..."

Naruto ignored him.

"For your grave insult, I demand recompense."

"I already taught you the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu several months ago to let you pass the Academy test," Sarutobi reminded him. "Isn't that enough?"

"Nope."

Sarutobi raised an eyebrow. "Quite greedy, aren't you?"

"Rightfully so. If you don't give me compensation, then I'll never accept Kakashi as my sensei."

Sarutobi held his gaze for several moments before letting out another sigh. He couldn't completely conceal the fondness in his eyes though.

"Fine. What do you want?"

Naruto crossed his arms. "Something from your desk. Anything. I get to pick."

"What would even be the purpose of that?"

"A trophy to prove that I reigned supreme over the Hokage himself. It will be my first with many more to come."

Sarutobi's lips twitched in amusement. "Oh? Very well then. You may come collect your prize then, though I'm afraid I must insist that you do not take any classified documents or important paperwork."

"Who wants paperwork as their trophy?" Naruto scoffed as he bounded over to behind the desk, the Hokage scooting his chair over to let Naruto have access to his desk drawers.

"You know, if this is an attempt to get at my tobacco, you realize you could've just asked," Sarutobi commented as Naruto began rifling through his desk drawers.

"Eww. Smoking is nasty."

"You're simply too young to appreciate it."

"More like I still have my sense of smell. Don't blame you. If I had to deal with Kakashi-sensei's bullshit for so long, I would've lost my sense of smell too."

Sarutobi couldn't help but snort at that. "Oh, you don't know the half of it – I mean to say, he is a valued jounin and you should be honored to be under his tutelage."

"Riiight."

Naruto opened the third drawer and squinted at the content within. Some stacks of paperwork, a few ink brushes, a couple hard pieces of candy. "Hmm..." Then he dug deeper, pulled out the false bottom, reached in, and took out a book wrapped in a protective layer of cloth.

"I'll take this," Naruto said cheerfully as he turned around to leave. "Thanks, old man!"

A hand fell on his shoulder like an executioner's blade, rooting him in place.

"Naruto," Sarutobi smiled genially. "Why do I have the feeling that you're not being entirely honest with me here?"

"Ehehe," Naruto laughed nervously, his head creaking as he turned to look back at him. "What do you mean?"

"Why did you go straight for this book?" Sarutobi asked, holding up the book in question.

Naruto blinked, looking back at his now empty hand. "Wait, when did you-? Give that back!" He lunged for the book, only for Sarutobi to raise it high above his head.

"Ah, ah, ah. I'm afraid that this book is off-limits."

Naruto gritted his teeth before taking a deep breath and breaking out his best puppy dog eyes. "J-Jiji," he whimpered, his eyes watering. "Please?"

Sarutobi's expression was carved from granite, unrelenting even before such a vicious assault. "No. Not until you tell me why."

"If I don't get the book, then Kakashi won't pass us!"

Sarutobi paused. "What?"

"He said that he'll only pass us if me and Sasuke manage to retrieve that book from your desk. So can you give it to us? Pretty please?"

Sarutobi shot a withering look at Kakashi. "Seriously?"

"I know, right?" Kakashi responded commiseratingly. "I'll need to talk to him about the importance of operations security later."

"I was referring to the fact that you skipped giving the bell test, a time-honored tradition, in favor of this farce of a test."

"Oh no, I gave them the bell test," Kakashi said. "I just... added a small part to it. In order to further test their teamwork, of course."

"Teamwork," Sarutobi repeated dryly. "I'm glad your motives were so pure. Well, their teamwork is certainly stellar so far? I love the part where Naruto tried to beg for the book while Sasuke watched on doing nothing. Yes, truly, the sheer camaraderie and cooperation I see brings a tear to my eyes."

Kakashi smiled. "Oh, the negotiations was just Plan A. Plan B is where the teamwork comes in."

Sarutobi raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what, pray tell, is Plan B?"

"A really bad idea."

Sarutobi blinked, but before he could ask for elaboration, Naruto suddenly yelled, "NOW!"

The Third Hokage immediately stepped back, storing the book back into his robes while bringing his other hand up defensively in one smooth motion.

Nothing happened.

Sarutobi raised an eyebrow. "Bluffing, now?"

Naruto grinned. "Not quite. Shh. Listen."

Sarutobi furrowed his brow but his curiosity got the better of him, the room falling quiet as they all listened for something.

It started as a distant buzz, barely discernible, but slowly grew in volume and frequency until they could all hear the panicked screams and cackling laughter coming from below in the lower levels of the Hokage Tower, interspersed with the sound of explosives and the distinct noise of paint splattering on walls.

"What in the..." Sarutobi muttered in gradually growing horror. "Naruto, what did you do?"

Naruto smiled foxily. "What makes you think I did anything?"

The door to the Hokage's office suddenly burst open and a haggard-looking chuunin staggered in.

"Hokage-sama! We're under attack! Naruto Uzumaki is assaulting the-"

He cut off as he laid eyes on Naruto, who was grinning widely.

"You!"

"Naruto," the Hokage groaned. "Why are you…" He shook his head. "No, I don't have time for this. Ferret, Jackal, Frog, Tiger, go deal with it, please."

The ANBU materialized out of nowhere, giving a quick bow before quickly rushing out of the room. The chuunin followed them after a moment's hesitation, but not before shooting Naruto another angry look.

"So," Sarutobi said, looking remarkably composed despite the continued screams sounding from down below. "You've managed to separate me from my ANBU guards. Congratulations. But what now? You cannot possibly believe you can defeat me in direct combat-"

Naruto let out a battle cry and charged at him.

Sarutobi sighed. "I stand corrected."

|:::|

"We should try diplomacy first. Talk it out with the Hokage and politely request the book from him. Hopefully he'll be reasonable. You're close to the Hokage, right?"

"Yup! Me and the old man go wayyy back. But what if negotiations don't work? I doubt Kakashi would give us this task if it were so easy to accomplish."

"True. In which case, we move onto Plan B."

Naruto waited for Sasuke to elaborate. When the Uchiha didn't say anything, he frowned. "Which is?"

"I'm thinking."

"Well think faster!"

"It takes time. You'd know if you had any firsthand experience in the matter."

"Hey!"

"He'll be surrounded by ANBU guards," Sasuke said, his eyes narrowed. "If we wish for an attack on him to succeed, we need to somehow get rid of them first."

"So... can we pay them off or something?"

Sasuke fixed Naruto with a flat stare. "They're the Hokage's handpicked guards."

"We'll need a distraction, then. Can I just send my clones charging everywhere?"

Sasuke shook his head. "If we attack head-on, then he'll be on his guard from the onset. I'd rather us take it slow first." He paused, biting his lip. "You transformed into rocks, branches, bushes earlier when you were attacking Kakashi. Can you do that, but instead with office supplies?"

A smile spread across Naruto's face. "Oh, I like how you think."

"If we can somehow scatter your henged clones throughout the Hokage Tower..." Sasuke turned to Kakashi, who was watching them plot with his eyes curved up in a slight eye-smile. "Will you help?"

"I won't give any direct assistance, but I can take a few detours to visit my favorite desk chuunins on the way up."

"Excellent. Then we'll use the clones as a distraction to get the ANBU guards away."

"What about the ANBU in the tower?" Naruto asked. "Or the ANBU on patrol? Won't they be drawn by the pandemonium?"

Kakashi shrugged. "As long as you don't use anything too dangerous, the ANBU will just assume that you're on a pranking spree – and the last thing they want to do is be within the Hokage's vicinity where they could be roped into cleaning duty."

Naruto snickered. "Suddenly, I understand why the ANBU never seemed to be able to catch me when I was younger."

Kakashi hummed. "Partly that, but partly also because we were taking bets on how long it would take before you got caught."

Naruto blinked. "Huh?"

Kakashi scratched his head. "A lot of sabotage was going on in the background, I'll tell you that. I still remember that one time Parrot nearly caught you before Rat tossed a young child into his path."

"HUH?!"

"Those were the good ol' days," Kakashi smiled.

"You guys were the elite?" Sasuke muttered.

"You say that so disbelievingly."

"Hn. At any rate... once we have the Hokage isolated, Naruto and I will attack in tandem and attempt to steal the book away from him."

"What?" Naruto said. "Are you out of your mind? Who the hell attacks head-on like that?"

"... one moment. I need to catch my breath from all the hypocrisy I'm choking on."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Okay, look. I attacked Kakashi like a dumbass, but only because I was acting as a distraction for my clones to jump him from behind."

"Fair," Sasuke conceded. "So you attack from the front while I loop around from behind?"

Naruto was silent for a moment. "That won't work," he finally decided. "Unless Kakashi joins us in the fight, which I doubt he will" – Kakashi nodded – "then we'll never win in an actual fight. I'm good, but Jiji is Jiji, after all."

Sasuke frowned. "Then what do you propose?"

Naruto smiled. "Deception and subterfuge, of course."

"TAKE THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS! KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"

Sasuke let out a sigh of exasperation as Naruto sent wave after wave of clones at the Hokage. How was it possible that someone who had come up with a plan like that was so unbearably flamboyant? Clones had filled the office – a little too many clones, in fact. In such an enclosed office, it was stifling, with their movements being restricted due to their proximity with each other, and Sasuke couldn't even see the Hokage through the orange.

Which was a good thing, he supposed. After all, it allowed him to quickly henge into Naruto without being noticed. Hopefully, at least. At the same time, one of the Naruto clones henged into him, adapting a scowl that was scarily accurate.

Joining the clones, Sasuke began charging – not toward the Hokage, but rather to the side. While he had wanted to utilize the same strategy he had been going to use on Kakashi, he and Naruto had quickly decided that one he had lost the element of surprise, the Hokage would easily take them both down.

Instead, Sasuke slowly made his way across the room, hidden within the horde of Naruto clones. Fortunately, the Hokage was sticking to taijutsu for now. Sasuke did see him cast several glances at the transformed Sasuke who was still standing next to Kakashi, but Naruto's henge held true.

While the Hokage likely suspected them of plotting something, it seemed he was content to humor them for now. Sasuke was fully aware that he could take down both him and Naruto in a blink of an eye, but shinobi as a whole tended to be a curious bunch and one didn't earn the title of The Professor for nothing.

However, Sasuke could see that the Hokage's attention was waning. Though Naruto continued shouting and yelling, the fact was that he didn't have any flashy eye-catching techniques in his arsenal. Other than the clones, of course, but from the sounds of it, the Hokage had been the one to teach Naruto the technique.

Fortunately, he and Naruto had already planned out what to do when this happened.

"Paint bomb?"

"Lame. How about a rubber ball covered in explosive tags?"

Naruto hesitated. "That's attempted assassination on the Hokage."

"We can blame it on Kakashi."

BOOM!

The explosion shook the entire room, causing Sasuke to wince at the loud volume. Fortunately, the Hokage had used an ingenious combination of wind and earth jutsu to contain the worst of the shockwaves and shrapnel, so despite how loud it was, no harm was done. Oh how Sasuke wished he had the sharingan so he could copy the Hokage's jutsu.

"You reckless moron!" The Hokage rebuked. "Just how many explosive tags did you put onto that?"

"Huh? An entire packet. Duh."

The Hokage blanched slightly, for some strange reason. Sasuke didn't understand. What sort of self-respecting shinobi wouldn't use as many explosive tags in an attack? It was a universal law that the effectiveness of an attack was directly proportional to the diameter of the blast radius.

"This is treason, Kakashi!" the Hokage shouted as he effortlessly flowed through the clones, ripping them apart as he did so.

"No, no," Kakashi called back before eye-smiling. "It's a training exercise."

Finally in position, Sasuke prepared himself to act. He just needed one final big diversion...

"What about a stink bomb?" Naruto suggested.

"Sure, but replace the solution with a mixture of bleach and ammonia," said Sasuke.

"What does that do?"

"Holy shit," said Kakashi.

There was a small pop before a yellow-greenish gas quickly filled the room, the clones popping as they breathed in the concentrated chlorine gas. After he had shot Sasuke a disturbed look, Kakashi had shrugged and helped them create an improvised gas bomb, making several modifications to increase the concentration and spread rate, only saying that he wanted to see the look on the Hokage's face.

And gods, was it glorious. The Hokage's eyes were wide and incredulous as he stepped back. "What has gotten into you – no! I refuse to believe it!" He whirled on Kakashi, giving Sasuke his opening to act. "What is wrong with you?!"

"In my defense, it wasn't even me who suggested it," Kakashi said lazily. "Blame dark and brooding over here," he gestured at Sasuke (or rather, the transformed Naruto clone, who now had an arrogant smirk on his face – damnit, why was Naruto so good at acting like him?), "He's the one who's corrupting Naruto."

The Hokage muttered something under his breath before flipping through a set of hand seals and inhaling with his mouth – Sasuke choked on his spit as the Hokage sucked in all the chlorine gas. Holy fucking SHIT, what the hell? Did the Hokage have a method to somehow neutralize the chlorine as it entered his system?

It appeared so, because after all the gas in the office was gone, the Hokage then spit out a chunk of crystal. It clattered to the ground, breaking into smaller pieces.

Salt, Sasuke realized.

The Hokage must've protected his insides with chakra to prevent the moisture from reacting with the chlorine, and instead somehow caused the chlorine to react with sodium to form normal table salt. Sodium metal at that.

What the fuck. Sasuke wasn't even aware that that was possible.

"Alright, that's enough," the Hokage declared, blurring over and grabbing Naruto by the back of his jacket, hoisting him up like a naughty kitten. "I can accept many things, but chemical warfare in my office is not one of them. You'll have to pass Kakashi's test some other way."

Naruto was silent for a moment.

Then he smirked.

"Yeah? I don't think so."

The Hokage narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"

In response, Sasuke – or rather, the transformed Naruto clone still standing next to Kakashi – dispelled with a pop and a cloud of chakra smoke.

The Hokage's eyes widened. "A clone-?"

He whirled around only to see Sasuke dispel his own henge to reveal him standing in the corner of the room, a stack of paperwork on the ground in front of him. The Hokage looked at his desk to confirm that Sasuke had somehow snatched his paperwork away while he had been distracted with dealing with the gas bomb.

"Sasuke..."

"The book," Sasuke demanded. "Or your paperwork is going to burn." He inclined his head at the explosive seal attached to the top of the pile, his hand already formed into the necessary hand sign to detonate it at a moment's notice. His other hand hovered over the stack, flames licking at his fingertips in a display of elemental chakra manipulation, ready to set the paper aflame.

"You tricked me," the Hokage said. He didn't look shocked, nor did he look particularly worried. "You transformed into Naruto while one of Naruto's clones transformed into you, and you snuck around while I was distracted so you could hold my paperwork hostage."

"Yeah! And you fell for it!" Naruto crowed triumphantly from where he was still being held up by the back of his jacket.

Only because the Hokage had been humoring them, Sasuke reminded himself. In a real battlefield, the Hokage would've been much more alert and wary, but Sasuke had counted on the Hokage letting his guard down around Naruto. It had been a gamble, and it had paid off.

"Just so you know, there are explosive tags on multiple pages," Sasuke said quickly, just in case the Hokage decided to blitz past him with his superior overwhelming speed. "No matter how fast you are, you won't be able to get to all the explosive tags before I detonate them. And that's assuming my flames don't reach them first." His eyes narrowed, even as the flames in his palm grew brighter. "The book. Now."

The Hokage gazed at him with an unreadable expression, his wizened face giving away no clues whatsoever. Naruto waited with a bated breath, Sasuke's entire body tensed as he prepared to detonate the tags, and out of the corner of his eye he could see Kakashi leaning forward, for once looking engaged in the proceedings.

This was checkmate.

Then, strangely, the Hokage suddenly relaxed, a smile appearing on his face. He dropped Naruto to the ground, dusted off his robes, and drew out a pipe.

"Okay, go ahead," the Hokage said. "Burn it."

|:::|

Naruto blinked at the Hokage's noncommittal response.

Burn... it?

He shared a quick glance with Sasuke, who looked just as confused as him, before they both looked back at Sarutobi, staring at him as if he had just grown a second head.

"You're okay with us... burning the paperwork?" Naruto asked hesitantly.

Their entire plan had revolved around a hostage trade-off. Naruto would act as a diversion while Sasuke sneaked around to steal their true objective, the paperwork on the desk. Then, once they had the paperwork in their grasp, they would force the old man to give the book to them, lest his work suffer some significant disruptions.

It had all gone perfectly...

Until the Hokage had called their bluff.

"I'll really burn the paperwork," Sasuke said, his voice dangerous. "I'm not joking."

"He totally will," Naruto added. "He's got several screws loose in his head or something."

Sasuke twitched but continued. "Hand over the book now, or all of this goes up in flames. This is not some bluff or trick."

Naruto paused, looking over to stare at him. "Wait, it's not?"

"It's not."

"But I thought we were going to move to Plan C...?"

"Do we have a Plan C?"

Naruto's silence was telling.

"Yeah, I thought not," Sasuke said before looking back at the Hokage with narrowed eyes. "If I fail this test and have to go back to the Academy – or hell, get sent to the genin corps – then even if I can't change your mind, I'll make sure you suffer just as much as I do."

Dear gods, Naruto really needed to have a talk with Sasuke after this. He hadn't realized the bastard was so spiteful. Not a good trait to have at all. But, well, at least it would help them in this scenario, as Sarutobi would have to realize that they weren't bluffing.

The Hokage didn't respond at first, instead lighting his pipe and taking a long puff. He savored the smoke for several moments before breathing it out again, slow and unhurried.

Then, he spoke.

"If you believe you can levy me into a hostage negotiation like this, you're sadly mistaken. You are several decades too young for this. Do it, Sasuke Uchiha. Burn the paperwork."

There was a long moment of silence as they tried to figure out if Sarutobi was bluffing.

He wasn't, Naruto realized. The Hokage had no issues with letting his paperwork burn, even if it would mean setting his work back by several days. What in the world? Who even did that?

This plan was a bust. Think. How could he turn this around?

Naruto strained his mind, trying to formulate a Plan C, a way for them to magically pull through and convince Sarutobi –

Just wait a damn moment.

They had been approaching this thinking that their opponent was the legendary Third Hokage, the God of Shinobi. And yeah, he technically was, but even beyond all that...

"Sasuke, don't burn it."

Sasuke looked at him, affronted. "What?"

"That's what I thought," Sarutobi said triumphantly – until he heard Naruto's next words.

"Here's the deal," Naruto said, stepping forward. "If you give us the book..." He grinned. "We will burn the paperwork."

The silence was deafening. Sasuke gaped at him, Kakashi tilted his head, and the Hokage...

The Hokage's gaze sharpened as he looked at him, for once looking completely serious.

"I'm listening."

"We'll accept all the blame," Naruto promised. "Just think of all the free time you'll gain. Sasuke had grabbed the unfinished paperwork pile because we didn't want to actually mess anything up too badly, which means it's only a matter of getting replacement copies of the paperwork. That'll take them, what, a few days? You'll have an entire weekend to yourself as they try to track down and get the new forms of the paperwork."

Sarutobi narrowed his eyes. "I'll have to do it in the end anyhow, though. All it's going to do is delay everything by a few days. In fact, even more work is going to stack up in the meantime."

"Yeah, but you're going to have to do all the work anyway. At least this way, you get a free weekend out of it. So what do you think?" Naruto grinned. "Deal?"

Sarutobi stroked his chin. He shouldn't take the deal. It would be highly unprofessional if he did. Besides, he wasn't a procrastinator. He was the Third Hokage, the Professor, the diligent hard-working leader of the –

|:::|

"I can't believe that worked," Kakashi said as they stood outside of the Hokage's office. "How did you know he was going to take the deal?"

"The only reason why he would be fine with us burning the paperwork is if he didn't want to do the paperwork," Naruto said. "After that, I just had to remember that even if he may be the legendary Third Hokage, the God of Shinobi himself..." He grinned. "He's also a lazy old man who would prefer avoiding doing his work whenever possible."

Sasuke let out a snort. "And he's our esteemed Hokage..." Despite his words, his tone made it clear that he wasn't being serious. He appeared to hold the Hokage in even higher esteem after everything due to having seen his incredible skill firsthand.

"So there you have it, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto smiled. "Do we pass?"

Sasuke turned to look expectantly at Kakashi as well.

The silver-haired man looked back at them both for a moment. Tension slowly gathered in the air – and then he dispelled it with a laugh.

"Yeah. Yeah, you two pass," Kakashi said, smiling. "Good work, Team 7."

"YES!"

Naruto whooped in joy as Sasuke cracked a smile.

"Now..." Kakashi held out his hand. "The book, please?"

"Oh right," Naruto glanced down at the book he was holding in his hand, still wrapped in the protective cloth cover which obscured the cover. "Hey, what even is this book anyway?" he asked curiously.

Kakashi froze as Naruto began unraveling the protective cloth.

"Wait, don't – "

Kakashi was cut off by a choked sound coming from Sasuke. The Uchiha was staring at the book cover with wide eyes before whipping his head over to stare at Kakashi, too appalled to even speak.

"Porn?!" Naruto howled, having immediately recognized the very infamous series. "You sent us to attack the Hokage... for a porn book?!"

"I resent that. It's fine literature – "

"HN?"

" – and you're simply too young to understand the sheer exquisiteness of the – oh never mind, just give it here," Kakashi snatched it out of Naruto's hands, bringing it close to his chest as he was finally reunited. "Oh, my precious. How I've missed you. I'll never use you as bait again, I promise."

Naruto stared at him in despair. "We're stuck with you now," he said forlornly. "You're the one who's going to be teaching us."

Sasuke looked at Kakashi as if he was something stuck to the bottom of his shoe. "I shouldn't have burned the paperwork."

Kakashi merely eye-smiled at them. "Get a good night's sleep. Meet you two at Training Ground 7 tomorrow morning at 8am. Don't be late~"

And he disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

The two were still for a minute afterward, each considering their life choices and lamenting how it had all led up to this.

Naruto broke the silence first.

"I've been wondering for a while now," he began quietly. "The only reason why Kakashi switched to this test is because he said you would have shared the food with me. Is... is that true? Would you have really shared it with me?"

"..."

"Sasuke?"

"..."

"If you think I'm going to stop asking you if you stay silent, then you're in for a rude, persistent, and very irritating awakening – "

"Fine!" Sasuke snapped. "Yes, I was going to share the food with you."

"Yes!" Naruto cheered. "So you do have a heart somewhere in there after all! I knew nobody could be that large of a bastard without some sort of advanced brainwashing."

"I wasn't going to do it for you. I just wanted to piss off Kakashi."

"Mhm, I'm sure," Naruto grinned, reaching over and thumping Sasuke on the back. "You know what, you're not that big of an asshole. Wanna go get some ramen?"

Sasuke paused, looking indecisive for a few moments before his eyes flickered. "Not tonight."

"Alright, cool," Naruto said. "I'll be off then – "

"YOU!"

They both froze. Slowly turning around, they saw a horde of desk chuunin, ANBU, and even a few clerical civilians glaring at them. They were covered in a combination of paint, glitter, and powder, even the ANBU – though judging by how the ANBU were strategically positioned away from each other and shooting each other wary glances, there had likely been some backstabbing involved.

"Naruto," Sasuke began cautiously. "I think your diversion worked a little too well..."

There was no response.

Sasuke glanced over at Naruto, only to be met with thin air. His eye twitched. Son of a bitch!

"Sasuke Uchiha..." An ANBU with the mask of a Jackal stepped forward menacingly, looming over him. The effect was reduced somewhat by the orange handprint on his mask, but with the swarm of people behind him, he was no less threatening. "Are you prepared to answer for your crimes?"

I hate my team...

|:::|

Sarutobi puffed on his pipe as he leaned back in his chair, a faint smile appearing on his face as he thought back over the evening's events. Ah, that had been a fun break from the boring monotony of his day and would no doubt become a memory he would look back fondly on in the future.

"You've gotten soft, Hiruzen."

Sarutobi's expression didn't change despite the fact that he should've been the only one in the office at the moment. He had dismissed his ANBU ten minutes prior, saying he wished to have some time alone, and had finished placating the vexed administrative shinobi before that.

"I was wondering when you would show up, old friend."

From the shadows stepped out a single figure, his movements silent and his presence so utterly suppressed it was as if he were an incorporeal being. He strode forward with an impossible grace that belied the bandages covering more than half his body, stopping in front of Sarutobi's desk and taking a seat, his posture immaculate.

"When," Shimura Danzo repeated. "Not if. Have I gotten so predictable in my old age?"

Sarutobi chuckled. "More like I doubt you would've missed such a commotion happening in the heart of the village itself."

Danzo inclined his head. "There was once a time where you would've never tolerated such antics. There were clients in the tower today, both prospective and returning. For that alone, you would've taken the two down before they could even blink and followed it up with a reprimand so harsh they would never forget it. What happened to that man?"

"He grew up. Had a family. Hair turned white," Sarutobi took another puff from his pipe, blowing it out slowly. "At our age, there is not much we can do anymore. Memories are all we can make."

"Sentimental."

"Guilty as charged."

There was a long moment as they gazed at each other, faces resolved and stern.

"You old monkey," Danzo chuckled. "What am I supposed to do with you?"

Sarutobi gave a lopsided grin. "Clean up my messes?"

"I'm not your maid, you know."

Sarutobi shrugged. "You could be. Koharu had her eye on the most adorable maid uniform the other day. It wouldn't be too hard to make some alterations to it."

Danzo leaned back, horrified. "You wouldn't."

Sarutobi smiled. "She was the one who suggested it. The Hokage's shadow deserves to have a special uniform, don't you think?"

"I'll go straight to Iwa."

"No you won't."

"Okay, I won't," Danzo admitted. "But I will release the photos of your stag party – "

"You said you burned them all!" Sarutobi bolted upright, suddenly looking panicked.

"I lied," Danzo smiled. "It's what I do."

"Consider the maid uniform idea discarded, disassembled, and demolished."

"Good."

They fell into a companionable silence, Sarutobi puffing on his pipe and Danzo waiting patiently.

"They don't deserve this," Sarutobi finally whispered. "Both of them have gone through far too many hardships already."

Danzo sighed. "You always were far too soft. They will be fine, Hiruzen. We went through far worse as children – even Hatake went through worse. You and I both know perfectly well that in order to truly become strong, they must be thrust into an inferno."

"Those in the middle of an inferno tend to get burned."

"Or they get melted down, reshaped, and forged into something infinitely stronger."

"Shinobi are not metal, Danzo."

"No," Danzo agreed. "They are far more resilient. Trust in them, Hiruzen. Trust in the potential in Uchiha and Uzumaki, and trust in Hatake to be able to temper them into something brilliant. For Konoha needs them. I wish we didn't, but we do."

Sarutobi let out a long sigh. "All for the sake of the village, huh?"

"Indeed. It is what we have always done, and it is what we shall continue doing until the day we draw our last breath." Danzo reached over the desk and clasped Sarutobi on the shoulder in a rare show of support that would've never been displayed outside the privacy of this office. "Stay strong, old friend. If all goes as planned, they will be able to take over from us in just a few years. We only need to hold out until then."

"Do you think we can?" Sarutobi asked, suddenly feeling very tired. "You know better than I do just how unstable the world is right now. We may uphold the illusion of peace, but just a single spark can cause everything to burst into flames."

"We must," Danzo said. "And even if we don't..." He smiled humorlessly. "Well. There's the inferno I'm talking about."

There was a pause.

"You aren't planning on sparking a war, right?"

Danzo scoffed. "I may have the reputation of a war hawk, but you know that it is just that: a reputation. Besides, why would I ever want to start a war I'm not even confident we can win? I may be old, but I'm not senile. I haven't forgotten about the Kyuubi attack."

"Ahh," Sarutobi sighed at the tragic memory. The Kyuubi attack had singlehandedly lowered the average lifespan of Konoha by several years. It was a calamity of untold proportions, and he could still remember just how chaotic the aftermath had been as they all tried to preserve the village.

"We recovered," Danzo said, reading his thoughts. "Not fully, even to this day, but with the Will of Fire, we managed to survive."

"Yes," Sarutobi murmured. "Yes, we did." He let out a long sigh. "I wish Minato was still here. I'm getting too old for this." He paused. "You sure I can't convince you to become Hokage?"

"Only if you kill me first."

"Hmm... Edo Tensei does exist..."

"You're evil."

Sarutobi chuckled. "Pot, meet kettle."

Outside, darkness fell as the sun fully set, though light still streamed in from the busy streets below.

"Are you going to punish those two?" Danzo asked.

Sarutobi was silent for a moment. "No. No, I'm not. I wish for them to be children, even if it's only for a little while longer."

Danzo nodded, having expected it. "Very well. I won't argue against your decision."

"Thank you. Besides, having Kakashi as their teacher is punishment enough."

Danzo's lips twitched. "I wonder what Iwa would think if they knew of Hound's reputation within Konoha."

Sarutobi laughed. "I for one would like to see the look on Onoki's face firsthand." He paused. "Would you like to join me for dinner?"

"I'm afraid I must decline," Danzo said, standing up. "I have several other matters to take care of. Have a pleasant night, Hiruzen."

"You as well, Shimura. Oh, and take your Root member with you, please. I let him stay today to observe the proceedings, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't make it a habit."

Danzo chuckled. "My apologies." He snapped his fingers, and an ANBU in a faceless mask melted out from the wall to the right, disappearing in a blur. "I had been curious as to what Hatake and those two were up to. I look forward to reviewing the memories of the... fight."

With that, the Shinobi of Darkness left the room as swiftly as he had come.

Sarutobi leaned back in his chair once more, enjoying his pipe as thoughts swirled around in his mind.

"... I should've made a copy of the book."

|:::|

"... and then I tossed an improvised explosive device at the old man and, get this, he surrounded it with some sort of air jutsu to neutralize the blast!'" Naruto chattered on excitedly to Teuchi and Ayame as they worked. "It was awesome!"

"I can imagine," Teuchi laughed. "I remember Hokage-sama giving a public demonstration of his ninjutsu once before. It was magnificent."

"Yeah! And soon, it will be me using those ninjutsu," Naruto said. "Apparently, Kakashi-sensei knows over a thousand jutsu – "

He was cut off as a new person ducked underneath the flaps and entered the small ramen shop.

Naruto brightened and waved hello. "Hey, Kagemori!"

The older man smiled in greeting. "Good evening, Naruto. Haven't seen you in a while."

Naruto had met the man five or six years ago when he had been eating in the ramen shop. Kagemori was an older retired shinobi due to a debilitating injury, and had covered Naruto's tab when he had forgotten his wallet at home. The rest was history.

"Tonkotsu ramen with extra vegetables please," Kagemori ordered. Teuchi had already been working before he spoke, having memorized his order long ago.

Naruto made a face. "I still don't understand why you order extra vegetables. That's disgusting."

"They're healthy for you."

"They turned your hair green!"

Kagemori laughed. "I was born with green hair, Naruto. Green eyes, too." He paused. "Well, only one eye now," he touched his right eye, which was covered by a black eyepatch. "But I digress. Point is, vegetables didn't cause them to turn green."

"That's what you want me to think," Naruto said suspiciously.

Kagemori chuckled. "So how did your genin test go? Attacked the Hokage, now did we?"

Naruto paused. "How did you know about that?"

Kagemori fixed him with a flat stare. "You assaulted the Hokage Tower in broad daylight."

"Oh," Naruto laughed nervously. "Ehehe. In my defense, it's all Kakashi-sensei's fault."

"Say less. I understand completely."

"It was so cool, though! I gotta tell you about it," Naruto grinned. "Another bowl please!"

"Coming right up!"

"Where's your teammate, by the way?" Kagemori asked. "Sasuke Uchiha, wasn't it? Why isn't he here? It's traditional for a team to have a celebration dinner after passing their genin test."

Naruto shrugged. "Beats me. He just said he had to do something."

"Hmm... Well, no matter. So tell me, what exactly happened?"

Naruto launched into a dramatic retelling once more.

|:::|

"... and somehow, it worked. The Hokage agreed to the deal, which led to me using a small Fireball jutsu on the Hokage's paperwork," Sasuke shook his head, still clearly hung up on that. "Wasn't expecting to do that today when I woke up. I suppose I'm not complaining, though. I passed Kakashi's genin test, after all."

There was no response, but Sasuke smiled anyway.

"Yeah, I'm a genin now. A little late, but they wouldn't let me skip the Academy, so not much I can do there. I'll get stronger quickly, I promise. Kakashi's... questionable, but there's no denying he's strong."

He paused. "Though I still can't believe he had us retrieve a porn book – or that the Hokage had one in his desk in the first place... But anyway. My teammate, Naruto, isn't as useless as I had thought he would be. Even though he's a bit aggravating at times, I think I can get used to him. Maybe this team thing won't be so bad after all."

Sasuke was silent for a moment. Then, he stood up from where he had been kneeling down in front of the grave.

"Well, I should go have some dinner soon." He smiled. "See you later, mom."


I've been rewatching Naruto lately, and man, while I loved the later fights in Shippuden, the early fights had a special vibe to them. Been trying my best to capture the feeling of that vibe as I write these scenes ahaha. Hope you liked the characterizations in this chapter - writing Danzo and Hiruzen was especially fun

Thanks for reading!