A/N: Grr! I discovered yesterday that due to a glitch, last chapter's upload did not go through. That is frustrating, because it means my well-wishes did not go out when they were supposed to. I don't expect anybody to really read these things as they come out, but I'd like my well wishes to the universe to be sent on time!

I have a new fixation: a story based on a subplot of the video game Dragonfable. It has only 3 characters, none of whom have diagnosable mental health problems, and is based off a canon that was originally conveyed through short cutscenes. It's going to be the shortest, snappiest story I have ever written - probably only one novel length. I'm learning a lot about how to prioritize flow over sitting down and digging into the details of a particular moment. This may be a completely different kind of story, and thus a lot of those techniques are not applicable, but we'll see.

It is so much fun to write. I want to finish it before I start publishing it. I'll mention it in one of these notes when that happens.

Woohoo!

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Konan

Hidan threw his scythe. The scythe flew over Deidara's left shoulder. Deidara commanded his owl to zip forward, underneath the rope. Hidan pulled his scythe back toward him via an arc that took it around Deidara's other side. If Deidara dodged to either side, he would run into either Hidan or the scythe.

So instead, Deidara made nearly a 90 degree turn straight up. Hidan cursed and ran to intercept his scythe. He ran into its handle, caught it, used the momentum of his body to turn midair, and redirected it upward after Deidara. Deidara saw the scythe flying after him and dove. Hidan pulled on the rope, and the scythe plummeted after him. Its change in direction seemed too quick to be caused by the pull alone. Konan glanced at Itachi, who she had requested to stay by her side for this exact reason. He had his Sharingan on. She asked, "Was that natural?" He shook his head no.

Deidara did nothing to dodge the scythe this time. He altered his course slightly so that he dove directly at Hidan. Hidan leaped out of the way, but not fast enough to avoid the little bits of clay that Deidara threw in front of himself. Some of them landed on Hidan's shoulder, where Deidara blew them up. Hidan grunted but kept running. His precious cloak now had a hole in it and surrounding scorch marks. Konan smiled. The uniforms were not meant to be purely symbolic. It was correct to see minor damage on them.

Deidara narrowly avoided crashing into the ground. Clay's belly nearly brushed the pavement as he flew straight down the length of the street. The scythe was not so fortunate. With a thunk that everyone could hear, it buried itself blades-deep into the asphalt. Konan saw Jiraiya, across the street, jump and ask Yahiko a question. The question was probably, How fucking sharp is that thing?!

Hidan checked Deidara's course, saw the blonde otherwise occupied, and knelt on the ground. He did nothing for several seconds. Then the scythe twisted forward, the undersides of its blades slicing through the asphalt and re-emerging into the open air. It tumbled over and fell down on its back. Two seconds later, Hidan struggled to his feet and ran to retrieve it.

By this time, Deidara had bled off some of his excess momentum and was coming back around for another pass. He hadn't bled off all of it; he seemed to be using incredible speed as a defense against the scythe. As a result, he couldn't precisely aim any of his clay creations. He tossed spiders in Hidan's general direction as he passed overhead. Hidan sliced one in two with the scythe and ran after Deidara, using his chakra-intensive ground running technique. This time, he didn't bother minimizing the damage to the pavement. People gasped as his feet visibly pushed on the pavement and left cracks in it. They had to get up and race down the street after the combatants.

Deidara pulled his owl around to face Hidan. He threw two more spiders and detonated them before they reached Hidan, using the blasts as a shield. Hidan dove right through them. Deidara was next seen flying straight up in a race for Clay's life. The scythe followed him. It maintained its speed in a way that Itachi confirmed was also unnatural, but did not catch him.

Hidan looked around. He was almost at the edge of the demon boy's property. He zipped over and perched on top of the unnatural tree, then pulled his scythe back toward him. As soon as Deidara sensed this, he dove at his fastest rate. Konan nodded. Deidara's concern for his owl meant that he had to avoid the scythe, which made it equally effective a shield as a weapon. His only chance to reach Hidan would be while the scythe was away, as it currently was.

Hidan jumped down and went under the tree. 3 Hidans came out from beneath, each running in separate directions. Deidara's cursing was loud enough for the onlookers to hear it. Hidan did not give himself away by altering the scythe's course, so it was still aiming for the tree. Deidara changed course to intercept the rope, grabbing it in Clay's talons and flying away. The scythe was pulled along for the ride, but at a safe distance.

All 3 Hidans looked enraged. As one, they stopped. Deidara flew in a giant circle, looking for the Hidan that genuinely possessed the scythe. All Hidans acted similarly, which wasn't hard because all they had to do was stay immobile. Deidara released the scythe as soon as he felt any slack in the line. The Hidans raced to catch it. One of them stumbled a little bit at first. Deidara immediately honed in on that one and surrounded him with a barrage of spiders.

When the blasts cleared, nothing was damaged. Hidan had escaped just before they reached him by using a lot of chakra as propellant. Deidara was caught off guard. Konan watched as Hidan appeared on top of the tree and threw himself off of it. He left his cloak and rope behind in the tree. In midair, he performed some signs and transformed into a bird, which flew behind Deidara and out of his field of view.

Deidara looked around frantically. Seeing no Hidan, he played the safe game and flew straight up into the air again. Hidan followed him, continuing to stay out of sight. Deidara eventually reached the height he wanted to climb to and slowed down. Hidan overtook him, let go of the transformation, and landed on Clay's back right behind Deidara. What happened next was hard to see. The next thing Konan could make out was the three of them plummeting headfirst to the ground, Hidan and Deidara locked in a death grapple and Clay keeping pace off to the side.

"It's not physically possible to stop that fall," Itachi squeaked.

Clay tried his best. He swooped in and picked up both Deidara and Hidan in his talons. It was like watching a replay of his earlier dive. Nobody breathed for several heartstopping seconds.

Clay managed to pull out of the fall, but only enough to brush his belly against the top of the grass, like before. Before that point, he released Hidan and Deidara, who tumbled along the ground in a matter and at a speed that would have killed any ordinary civilian. They rolled to a stop eventually and lay in the grass, two ragdolls three meters apart.

Hidan was the first to get up. He pushed himself up on wobbly arms and swayed as he stood. Deidara managed to lever himself up on one elbow, but not stand. He couldn't even sit. Hidan staggered over to his scythe and retrieved it. Deidara looked for Clay and couldn't see him. Clay had flown around the hospital.

Hidan judged that he had time to retrieve all of his equipment. He went to the top of the tree and refastened the harness to his side, not bothering with the cloak. He rewound as much of it as he could before Clay rose into the sky. The owl brought a lot of plant matter with him, but he came. He landed next to Deidara, who stood up and leaned on him for support.

Hidan ran over to continue the fight, but paused halfway. He turned to look at the road. All of the clay creations that had not exploded or gotten cut in two came rushing to Deidara's side. Hidan ran away as half a dozen clay spiders skittered up to their creator. Now Deidara was the one surrounded by weapons that doubled as shields.

Deidara mounted Clay and commanded him to fly. The spiders turned and spread out to cover all areas of the lawn, one of them heading directly for the tree. Deidara let out a battle cry and went on the attack.

Hidan made more signs and transformed into a sleek black creature that Konan did not recognize. It had large wings, four legs, a broad, flat head, and fins on the sides of its tail. The scythe rested on the back of its tail. Konan understood immediately when it stretched its wings, leaped into the air, and fired a white fireball at Deidara. Huh. This world has strange versions of dragons.

"Hey, no fucking fair, yeah!" Deidara yelled. He and Hidan began an aerial battle, which Hidan had the advantage in since he possessed a long-range attack. One of his blasts was accurate enough to throw Deidara and Clay off balance. They tilted wildly to their left. Hidan convulsed, which threw the scythe off of his tail, which forced him to return to his human form. He threw the scythe to catch Deidara.

Deidara was forced onto the ground. He leaped off as Clay crashed onto the grass and lay there on his belly. The owl was in sore shape, and Deidara didn't look much better. They were both smeared with green streaks and had various materials ground into them. Hidan, on the other hand, didn't seem to notice his scratches and bruises and burn marks. He wore his grass stains like war paint. He spent what must have been the last of his chakra darting over to Deidara, grabbing his scythe, and holding it up. That was it. If he had been an enemy, Deidara would have been dead. Hidan had won.

The onlookers came down from their various perches. Deidara dropped to his knees, breathing heavily. He looked at the sleeves of his cloak, which were tattered. "Shit," he whispered.

"Ow. Ow. Ow." Hidan grimaced at his legs and flopped onto the ground. "I'm out of chakra. Fuck, it hurts. Ow."

Konan looked up. The sun was partway through setting. The shadows it cast were long, and the grounds of the hospital were beginning to grow dark. If the battle had dragged on instead of featuring surprising twists and turns, it would easily have lasted until darkness fell. But thanks to Hidan's ingenuity, the battle had been quick. They did not have to fight during twilight. On the one hand, that deprives this crew of valuable experience with suboptimal lighting conditions, which they would need if we had to fight vampires. On the other hand, the ability to surprise your enemy is the single most valuable skill any ninja can have. Whoever surprises their enemy is all but guaranteed to win. I shall consider this worth it.

Yahiko rushed forward. "Are you guys okay?"

"Do we fucking look okay, yeah?"

Yahiko took out a water bottle, opened it and began to heal Deidara's scratches without another word.

Kisame jumped as a clay spider brushed past him. They crowded around Deidara, who apparently pulled his creations to him on reflex whenever he was in trouble. These spiders had been formed in the middle of fast-paced battle, so they were not as precisely made as Stitchy. Their sizes varied: the largest, the one that brushed Kisame, was knee-height on him, and the smallest was a little larger than Stitchy. One of them had only seven legs. Deidara put his arm over the large one, looked up, then realized it was one of his spiders. "Oh, crap."

"You might want to stop having training battles," Kakuzu remarked. "Else you'll build up a whole private army."

"What am I gonna do with them, hm?"

"Can I take one?" asked the demon boy. "It'd make a nice messenger, save my friend from having to run all around the hospital."

"Sure." Deidara pointed to a medium sized one about the length of a forearm. The demon boy giggled and picked it up. He took it over to the snake child, who Yahiko had put down, and held it out to show him.

"Holy fuck!" Jiraiya exclaimed. "That was amazing! It should have been a movie! Especially the swan dive - any director would kill for that shot!"

"Yeah," Nagato agreed. "I think my heart actually stopped beating."

"If Hollywood had access to ninjas, the whole war movie genre would go out of business! This is much more entertaining!"

"Maybe for you," Deidara said. "I was actually scared. This was more intense than I was expecting, yeah. And seriously, what am I going to do with five giant spiders?"

"You don't want them to live with us?" Hidan's voice rose until he sounded like a boy of five. He made big eyes.

"Well… I don't know how nervous I'd get with them indoors, yeah. My nightmares have been getting better, but they might come back."

"Give it one night, pleeeeaaase. If you freak out, then we can put them somewhere else." Hidan sounded like he was pleading for his mother to let him keep a lost puppy.

Samehada nuzzled the large spider, which was about the same size as him in his normal posture. Kisame sighed. "We're going to end up going along with that, aren't we?"

Sasori cleared his throat. "Attention, everyone." He turned to Konan. "Are we going to have an evaluation?"

"Yes."

"Does anyone know basic sewing and patching skills?" Itachi asked. He held Hidan's cloak.

"I do," Nagato said. "Barely. From Home Ec class. But I was pretty good at it back then."

"Did your world, um, expect you to learn that?" Deidara asked Konan.

"My mother did try to teach me. But that was a long time ago, and I haven't done anything except the most rudimentary patching since. If a shinobi battle results in damaged clothing, it usually is so severe that one would just get new clothing."

"No worries," Hidan told Nagato. "I would be honored no matter what you did."

Nagato blushed. He glanced in Jiraiya's direction. "Jiraiya, will you be joining us for the evaluation?"

"Sure!"

"Let us go home then, before darkness falls," Konan said. The others looked up and saw the gathering shadows. They agreed.

.

"Everyone who has not already learned and practiced Transformation Jutsu must do so," Konan ordered as soon as they finished sitting on the sunroom floor. "It is a fundamental skill, and the basis of half to two-thirds of all strategies. I have been negligent in my teaching duties."

"It's also super fun!" Hidan said. "May I?" Konan nodded, so he transformed into a white cat and stepped into her lap. She petted him. He purred and flicked his tail.

"With Transformation Jutsu and enough creativity, you should be able to defeat any opponent," she said to the whole group. "You all possess creativity in shovelfuls, so I am not concerned about that."

"How do you do it?" Jiraiya asked.

Konan demonstrated the hand signs. It felt very strange to be teaching him something. "You make these hand signs and channel your chakra."

"What does 'channel my chakra' mean?"

That was a question Konan had never considered before. "It comes naturally. You do not need to worry."

"How else did I fuck up, hm?" Deidara asked.

"As of now, your only attack is throwing explosives. This severely limits your options. It forces you to approach your enemy directly, makes you reliant on your owl, and qualifies as a medium-range attack. This means you have no short range or long range options. Your strategic thinking is very good; you successfully negated Hidan's long-range scythe attack. But when he found another way to give himself a long-range ability, you could not match it. You also have little to no defensive capability. You rely on mobility to avoid attacks. Against an opponent who can keep up with you, you have no defense."

"So I need to learn other skills and get more options, yeah," Deidara said. "But within what I have now, I didn't actually fuck up? I was just fighting the worst kind of enemy?"

Konan nodded. "Your ideal fight is against an entrenched enemy with strong defenses that need to be broken."

"In other words, bunker busting," Sasori said. "Which makes sense for a bomber."

Hidan yawned and stood up. He stretched, then walked off of Konan's lap and returned to his human form. "How'd I do?"

"Your estimation of your own abilities is vastly improved," Konan told him. "You had control of your scythe, and you wisely chose moments when Deidara could not take advantage to possess it. Your coordination with your clones was good. The only mistake I saw was that your clones did not feign weakness after you possessed your scythe, which allowed Deidara to identify the real you. Your willingness to abandon your scythe in favor of a more promising strategy was also commendable." Hidan preened.

"That clone thing," Jiraiya said. "How do you do that?"

Konan raised an eyebrow and turned to Hidan. "Well, you take your chakra, and you push it out, and you kinda cut it off, and poof," Hidan said. A clone appeared next to him. He and the clone bumped fists.

"I…see?"

"The hand signs for the basic Clone Jutsu, which produces clones that have no material substance and disappear as soon as anything touches then, are these." Konan demonstrated them. "What Hidan just used is Shadow Clone Jutsu, which produces clones that have both physical bodies and minds. I never learned how to perform that."

"Oh, I could've used those instead," Hidan muttered. "Would've taken less chakra."

"Meow?" asked the clone.

"Mrow," Hidan replied. The clone transformed into a cat and stepped into his lap, purring. "I also get all their memories when they disappear," he said while petting his cat clone. "Twice the good stuff!"

"Didn't you just run out of chakra?" Sasori asked.

"He said his legs hurt from not having chakra, so I donated some," Yahiko said.

"Don't you two have different kinds of chakra?"

"His chakra is the not hurting anything kind, remember?" Hidan waved a hand. "It's kind of itchy, but I can tolerate it."

"You really should stop using up Yahiko's chakra," Konan told him. "It was a generous gift."

"Okay. Stopping right now. Whoosa fuzzy one? Is it you?" The clone rolled over and exposed its belly, which Hidan petted with one flat hand.

"Learn Clone Jutsu and Transformation Jutsu," Sasori repeated. "Anything else for the rest of us?"

"No. I believe your thinking has advanced even without formal training. All you need are skills and practice."

"Can you use Transformation Jutsu to turn into anything?" The way Jiraiya asked that, raising his eyebrows as he did so, made clear his meaning.

"Fuck yes," Hidan said. "Be a girl if you want to."

"Or an object," Konan added. "Or a plant."

"Or change your outfit!"

Jiraiya rubbed his chin as he stared off into the distance, laughing softly and blushing. Everyone else looked at him funny, then ignored him. "What a weirdo," Kisame said.

"Hold it." Hidan set his clone aside and went to Jiraiya. He whispered something in Jiraiya's ear. Jiraiya turned bright red. Hidan returned to his seat and burst out laughing.

When Jiraiya recovered the ability to speak, he said, "Jeez, you are one sick kitten."

"Hidan?" Konan stared at him. "How in the world did you fluster Jiraiya?"

"Did I ever tell you about this group of…buddies I have?"

"That worked?" Jiraiya would never be flustered by such a simple thing.

"No, but it's an example of the sorts of things I have access to." Hidan grinned as lecherously as Jiraiya ever had. "I can fluster anybody," he stage whispered.

Konan narrowed her eyes. "Right." Hidan's grin faded. He leaned in and whispered something in her ear. Konan furrowed her brows. "What is the difference between that and any normal activity? Aside from its convenience."

Hidan reared back. "Fuck you!" Jiraiya's jaw dropped as he stared at her. Konan shrugged.

"What's going on?" Yahiko asked.

"That girl." Jiraiya pointed at Konan. "You two need to keep her. She's amazing."

Nagato gave him a thumbs up. "Will do." He cleared his throat. "So, how is progress on our weapons and stuff going?"

"They are ordered and presumably in transit," Konan said. "I ordered a dozen packs of kunai and shuriken. Kisame's sword, likewise."

"Why a dozen?" Deidara asked. "There are only like ten of us, yeah."

Konan shrugged. Only because Tobi and Zetsu have yet to die. Once they do, based on what I have seen of the world clones, I am prepared to welcome them.

"She won't say," Kakuzu growled. "I've tried."

"Okay then." Deidara gasped. "Hey, wait, didn't you and the demon kid have plans?" he asked Jiraiya.

"I thought we were going to hang out?" Nagato asked.

"One thing at a time! I'll hang out with you two, then go see ghosts," Jiraiya said.

"Oh, shit, better get to it," Hidan said, moving away from the door. "If you don't hop on something immediately around here, it doesn't happen for another month. Go, go!"

"He's completely right!" Nagato got to his feet. "Sorry everyone. Bye." He pulled Yahiko up after him and they left, followed by a confused Jiraiya.

"This meeting is over," Konan declared. "Anyone who wishes to do so may join me and Hidan in waiting for vampires."

Hidan

Hidan sat crosslegged on the back porch, his cat clone lying perfectly balanced across his head. It occasionally batted his left ear with one paw. "I really hope they'll come," he told Konan. "My kitty self can make friends with the nice little one. What's her name?"

Konan watched the dark forest. "We shall see."

"Should I wear my scarf, or would that be seen as rude?" Itachi asked. He had not stayed up to chat with the vampires previously, so he wanted to this time.

"Ah, go ahead," Hidan said. Itachi put on his scarf. The cat batted Hidan's cheek. He giggled at the feel of it. Such little paws!

Only the three of them waited this time. Eventually, a humanlike form materialized in the middle of the lawn. Itachi activated the flashlight on his phone and placed it on the porch with the beam facing up. Konan made a wall of paper, reflecting the light out over the lawn. "It is costly to have a fire every time, especially when there are only three of us," Itachi explained.

The humanlike form was Kivi. He held his kitten against his chest. He nodded. "Where did that cat come from?" he asked Hidan.

"We were just talking about clones and Transformation Jutsu, so I made a clone and the clone transformed into a cat. I was hoping my cat self and your kitty could be friends?"

Kivi set his kitten down on the lawn. "Your strangeness gives me hope and confidence that our more rigidly-minded comrades will not prevail."

"Oh yeah, it's impossible," Hidan agreed, leaning forward so the cat clone could leap off his head. It went over to the kitten and gave her a sniff. The kitten hissed back. "What's her name?" Hidan asked.

"She introduces herself."

"Mraa!"

"Hi Mraa." Hidan waved.

Mraa hissed again and clawed his clone. The clone dissipated in a puff of smoke. "Aw man, it really thought they were making friends," Hidan said.

"Were your predictions correct?" Konan asked.

Kivi nodded. "This 'Bill of Retribution' is nothing but a pretense at legitimacy. It spits on the idea of civilized behavior. Anyone who supports it will be destroyed."

"Hold up. You mean people are gonna die tonight?"

"Yes."

"Huh." Hidan scratched his head. "Different strokes, I guess. Hey, let me ask something. Why are you guys so hung up on tradition and legitimacy and all that?"

"If we are not civilized, then we are…" Kivi paused. "No better than animals," he muttered.

"Or people who are like animals."

"Yes."

"I have never understood why people dislike the idea of resembling animals so strongly," Itachi said. "What is wrong with resembling our quadruped cousins?"

"It makes you unclean," said another voice. A second vampire, the one who had been interested in the aquarium the night before, came down from a tree. "Dirty. Dangerous. A monster." He hissed to show he disagreed with this idea.

"Those are all thoughts I have had about myself in relation to my mental health problems," Konan said. "I remember discussing this. It has to do with the idea that humans are supposed to be rational and not controlled by emotion. To be otherwise is to be not human."

"Uh, hello." Hidan pointed to Mraa. "She's literally cleaning herself right now." As soon as he said this, Mraa began to smooth out her fur.

"That kitten is more organized than I am," Konan admitted.

"You are dangerous?" the second vampire asked.

"Oh, yeah," Hidan said. "Don't piss her off. She will fuck your shit up."

"If I ever look cheerful, optimistic and full of energy, run," Konan advised the vampire. "Those are clear signs that I am not in my right mind."

"If those things are abnormal, then your normal would seem to be depression," Itachi said.

Hidan shushed him. "So, anyway… You guys really need to change that ideal. It's not healthy."

"We are working on it," Kivi replied, glancing nervously at Konan.

"When will we be able to meet with your leader?" Konan asked.

"When she desires to. I will tell her you are interested."

There seemed to be no more vampires waiting in the shadows. Hidan tried to entice the kitten to play with him, but to no avail. "If I may," Itachi said. "I have many questions about your history and people." At Kivi's nod, Itachi began to ask them. "Do your people live as a shadow society within the human world, or entirely separately? How did you encounter Jashin sama? How do you relate to human society? Do you come from the same world Konan does - that is, a world where there are ninjas? I understand you may not remember, but are there aspects of your society that would only make sense if you needed to defend yourself against powerful hostile forces on a constant basis?"

He stopped there. Kivi took a moment before answering. "Both, depending on where you are. It happened so long ago nobody remembers. We mostly stay within our own society, pretending to be humans whenever we must establish contact. And yes, but that is easily explained by the need to constantly defend ourselves against the danger of becoming like vampirics and descending into barbarism."

"I do not mean ideals," Itachi said. "I mean people who can literally burn a house down with some quick hand movements. Does your society emphasize the need to stay hidden? If discovered to be vampires, do you immediately move? That sort of thing."

Kivi tilted his head. "We do see the human world as something that would turn on and violently kill us if we were discovered."

"In what way?" Itachi asked. "Do you believe you are inherently above humans and more powerful, but there are just so many of us? Or do you believe even one human could pose a risk to a vampire? Is there a presumption of superiority or not?"

Kivi really had to think about that one. "All humans, even a drunk stumbling home at midnight, are to be regarded as extremely dangerous," he finally said. "And not just because they could bring more. You never know what a human will do."

"It sounds like your society does indeed come from Konan's world, or some similar one," Itachi concluded.

"Excuse me. I believe you mentioned other worlds yesterday, too. What was meant by that?"

As Hidan listened to Konan give the full explanation, he couldn't help but grin. Questioning and answering! It's just like one of our parties. It's like they're part of the group. Yay! He sighed with happiness. It was as if he could feel the whole history of the vampires and the vampirics echoing through his bones. Bonding with the vampires was like returning some long-lost piece of himself. I love them. They have to believe that.

.

A/N: My main problem with writing quick, snappy stories is that such stories presume the existence of large spans of time that can be summarized as "Normal stuff happened. Nothing important." This assumption does not match my own experience of life. I move from one very important thing to another, one period of intense feeling to the next. I only have very small, scattered instances of time that feel unimportant enough to forget about. I also don't really have a routine. So writing quick, snappy stories is, for me, really an exercise in writing from another person's viewpoint. It is akin to a cis man writing from the viewpoint of a female character, or vice versa. I must assume that other people have large spans of time that can be described that way and make my best guesstimate of when those spans of time would be. Only recently have I become familiar enough with other people's lives to do this with anything approaching success. It's a big achievement. I feel proud of myself for it.

So that's why this story is the way it is.

I'm double checking that both chapters post today, and I will see all of you lovely ones next week.