Between Light and Dark – A Choice

Chapter 8

(NEW CHAPTER! :O Never thought I'd see the day where I would post on here again. What a struggle it has been to get to this point… My fanfic writing might be rusty after such a long time away, but I'm still sharing. For better or for worse. I hope it will turn out to be the former )

"My assessment is that he will need the IV for a full 48 hours, then he should be done with it and capable of taking solid food without upsetting his stomach. As for you" the droid turned to Kanan "my previous assessment of a lack of internal injuries, seem to have been inaccurate.

As a matter of fact, from what I can now see, there appears to be some bleeding, as evidenced by all the bruises on the skin. There is also a hairline fracture in the clavicle of your left shoulder, that will require time to heal, as well as the top lumbar vertebrae appears to have been broken after a massive impact. I estimate your injuries will take between 6 and 12 weeks to heal, unless a bacta tank is utilized".

"Well, that's not gonna be possible. My injuries are not life-threatening, so even if we had a bacta tank available, I wouldn't want to use it. I managed fighting today despite them, so they do not hinder me much. I will take the time that is required for them to heal on their own" Kanan responded.

"In that case, I will supervise that the injuries heal properly, to ascertain you are not left with anything that will affect your future movement" the droid finished and Kanan nodded.

"Wait just a second Kanan. We can't have you out of commission for months like that! Isn't there anything we can do to make him heal faster?" Hera asked.

"Even a few hours in a bacta tank would reduce the healing time by 4 to 8 weeks. That is the only way, to my knowledge. I am surprised, however, that you are even managing to sit like that considering the broken vertebrae. That is a very painful injury in its own, yet you have been fighting in spite of it and have even managed to seem all but unaffected by it" the droid commented, making Kanan shrug again, though it caused him to flinch.

"I'm just that good" he replied, smiling to try and defuse the tension of the room. Hera rolled her eyes, looking defensive. "Do you even realize how serious this is Kanan?!" she then asked, making him sigh. "I do, Hera. Trust me. I do. But I can't change things, so why should I spend energy and time on wondering about them?" he replied, and Hera lowered her arms again, mirroring his sigh.

"We'll find you a bacta tank. After all, we've done it before. So we can do it again" she then said. "As I recall, that one ended in us being caught in an ambush. Can we really risk that over something like this Hera?" Kanan commented. "Something like this? Injuries that will take up to 3 months to heal?! Yes, Kanan. We can. And we will!".

Kanan threw up his hands in submission. "Alright, alright. I get that you've made up your mind and I know how stubborn you are after all. But don't make us go too far out of our way for it Hera. We do still have obligations to the rebels after all" he said, and Hera shook her head.

"I'll have to plan this very cautiously. Both because of the potential dangers to the crew, but also with thought to travel times and location. It will take a few days for sure, even with Choppers help" she said. "I'm not going anywhere" Kanan commented "take you time".

Hera scowled at him. "I'll have to tell Sabine and Zeb something about you and Ezra. Can they visit you? How much am I allowed to say? They'll want to know why you're going off the roster".

Kanan looked thoughtful, but then he sighed. "Tell them I got hurt in the battle and need to recover. They're going to ask why we'll be looking for a bacta tank anyways, so you might as well tell them the truth about me. But keep Ezras part in it a secret. That should be on a need-to-know basis alone. If he wants them to know, he should be allowed to tell them himself". "I understand" Hera replied, and looked at the still sleeping Ezra.

"He looks peaceful. Your presence really does seem to make quite the difference for him" she said softly. Kanan nodded. "Yes. The only reason for why he's not having his nightmare right now, is because he can sense my presence beside him. It helps him close his mind to other intruders subconsciously". "Well, at least there's that. I hope that means we won't be having any more unfortunate accidents then?". "I can't guarantee that. But I can promise that I will do my absolute best to help him". "Just remember to think about yourself as well, okay? You need to heal too, Kanan".

Hera rose, brushed her fingers down his cheek gently and then left.

As the door closed behind her, Kanan sighed and lay down on the bed beside his student, placing his right hand over his head and his left one on his stomach, flinching at the sudden jolt of pain it caused him. "What a mess we've gotten in to" he mumbled to himself, then closed his eyes and focused on steadying his breathing, so he could get some sleep…

"Kanan… Kanan, he's back. I can sense him. He… he's calling… Help me, please… Master" Ezra groaned, stuttering as his head moved from side to side. Kanan moaned, not yet fully awake, but that changed when Ezra suddenly arched his back on the bed, crying out in pain.

Instantly, Kanan was back in the present and on his side, resting on his right arm above the mattress, his left one on Ezras' chest. "I'm here Ezra, wake up. You have to wake up, okay? Remember how I helped you return last time? Use that technique again. Focus on my voice. I know you can hear me. Listen to my voice and come out of it".

He kept talking, making sure he didn't stop for anything but to take a breath, in a sort of mantra. "My voice Ezra. Sense my hand on your chest". Ezra groaned quietly, clearly straining to do as he was asked.

Finally he gasped and shot up in the bed. Kanan managed to pull back just in time, making sure he didn't get yet another injury to add to his growing collection. "Ezra, are you with me kid?" he asked, mindful of every motion from the other.

The teen was heaving for breath, looking pale and sickly. "Ka…nan" he said "I… I'm here. I'm me". "So you don't feel like choking something or throwing something across the room then?" Kanan asked, mixing humor in to his tone, to calm his Padawan.

Ezra looked at him, then started chuckling, quietly at first, but then it turned into a relieved laugh, before he moved on to his knees and quickly wrapped his arms around Kanans' neck, making his Master moan under his breath, though he returned it as best he could in his current position.

"Thank you" Ezra half-laughed "thank you, Kanan". "Hey, what prompted this reaction all of a sudden?" the Jedi asked, siting up, and Ezra replied with "I'm just so… relieved. You helped me. You guided me back here, made it possible for me to lock Maul out long enough to escape his grasp for now. To make sure I didn't hurt someone again. And I… I don't know how to thank you, except… like this".

Kanan sighed softly. "You're welcome Ezra. I'm just grateful I was here this time" he said gently, before the two parted again. Ezras expression had darkened, and Kanan frowned at the sight. "Right. This time" the young man mumbled, lowering his head. "But what about next time?".

"Well, about that Ezra. There's something I need to tell you. Hera has suspended us from duty for the next several weeks" Kanan replied and Ezra send him a surprised look. "She has? Both of us? Why?". "I asked her to". "What? But you were in a battle just today! Why would you need to be suspended for such an extended period of time?".

"As I said, because I asked her to. I told her we needed time to focus on your training, for all our sakes, not least of all yours". "She wouldn't have agreed to take us off the roster for weeks just because of that. No way. There must be something more behind it. Wait… does this have to do with your injuries?". "My injuries? What do you mean Ezra?". "Well, you're hurt right?". "What makes you say that?". "Hmm, I just figured that was the case. You seemed pretty pained before and right now… I can feel that you're trying to hide that same pain from me".

Kanans eyes widened, then he smiled. "Well, I guess I might as well follow my own advice then huh? About trust and being honest… You're right. I am hurt. The med-droid told me I had two broken bones, one of them would take up to 12 weeks to heal. That's why Hera accepted my request to remove us from the active roster".

"12 weeks?! Kanan, tell me I didn't cause that. Please. Tell me I didn't hurt you". Kanan looked at him with sympathy, then shook his head. "I cannot, Ezra. I don't want to lie to you, and I simply do not know if it was todays battle or what happened yesterday, that caused it. I'm sorry".

He felt Ezras sudden burst of guilt and saw how he slumped against the wall behind him, and sighed. He'd done what he judged to be right and Ezra knew that too. He wouldn't want him to lie to him.

"Great. So not only do I nearly kill Hera and destroy Chopper, I also send my Master to the infirmary for 3 months. Aren't I just the best friend and student ever?!" Ezra said bitterly, pulling his knees up to his chest, and turning his head away.

"You know I don't blame you for any of this Ezra. We'll make things right. We've just proved that it's possible for you to resist Maul. It will just take a while for you to be able to do so unaided. And through that time, I will be with you" Kanan responded, placing a hand on Ezras foot, which was all he could reach without straining his back.

"Right. Everything is going to be just dandy!" the young man replied sarcastically, throwing out his hands. "Now, now my young Padawan. That is uncalled for. I am being serious, Ezra" Kanan said, and when Ezra glanced at him, he saw a hint of irritation that had become familiar to him by now, in the others face.

"If you say so" he then mumbled "at least one of us have faith in me. Wish I could be as certain". "Until you are, I will be certain enough for both of us" Kanan commented, with a tender smile.

"Well, where do we go from here then? If you're that severely injured, will you even be able to train me at all whilst you're recovering?" Ezra asked and Kanan nodded. "I will. Somehow, I'll make it work. The meditative lessons should be easy enough. It's more the physical training that might become a challenge. But since we're starting with meditation, I might have a bit of time to figure out what to do about the others" he replied.

"Alright… When do we start?". "With the meditation, we can start whenever you feel ready for it. Just let me know if you do, got it?". "Okay. I do" Ezra responded, making Kanan frown. "Are you sure? You still have that IV in your hand, so we can't exactly move much. And you just woke up. Aren't you hungry or thirsty?" he asked. Ezra shook his head.

"No, I'm fine. I just really want to learn how to keep Maul out. And if we're meditating, we don't necessarily have to move anyways, do we?". "No, that is true of course… Well, if you're certain you're ready, I guess we could try, at least for a few hours. But then we really should eat something, or I should at least, if you don't feel like it". "Understood" Ezra said and Kanan nodded.

"Alright. First we need to get in position, as always"…

Ezras eyes moved under his eyelids and his knees felt like they were burning. How long had he been in this position on the floor? Judging from how numb most of his limbs felt, he'd say at least 6 hours. How long did they still have to remain so frozen, not doing anything but sitting there and waiting?

He didn't feel any different. He still feared Mauls shadow. But so far, he hadn't tried to invade his mind again. But if he did, how would he handle it? Had anything changed within him now? Would he be able to force Maul out, without Kanans' help yet?

"Focus, Ezra!" a sudden voice interrupted his thoughts and startled, Ezra opened his eyes and met the empty ones of his Master. Had he not known the other was blind, he could have sworn he was staring right at him.

"Ah, sorry Master! Sorry!" he exclaimed and Kanan sighed. "You're not concentrating properly. If you're not paying attention to the signals the Force sends you, you will not learn anything from this!" he replied. "Well, how am I supposed to concentrate when my knees are killing me, huh?!" Ezra retorted and rose, but unsteady on his feet as he was after hours of meditation, he was soon on the floor once more, groaning frustratedly.

"My legs feel like jelly" he said, trying to get on his feet once more, but this time supporting himself against the wall. "Honestly Kanan, how are you so unaffected by this!?"."I'm not" Kanan replied. "Then would you mind if we take a break?" Ezra asked and Kanan lowered his head. "If you truly need it" he then said, making Ezra frown.

"I truly do" he then said and added "I'm going to the bathroom and then getting some fresh air. Maybe it will help me clear my mind" and with that, he left the room.

Once he was gone, Kanan moaned and placed a hand on his back, grabbing the bedframe with the other and leaning against it as he pushed himself up. "I'm more affected than you know, Ezra" he mumbled to himself, flinching as he tried to straighten his back and pain erupted throughout it, radiating up his spine.

He was trying his best to hide that fact from his Padawan though, not wanting it to influence his training. The last thing he needed was for Ezra to keep feeling so guilty that he blocked his own chances of success.

It had been two weeks since his injury and since they started on Ezras specialized training, and though the young man had improved in his ability to block his mind, he still couldn't keep Maul out on his own.

His constant nightmarish vision had been coming less frequently, but he had yet to conquer his fear of it. And he also still lacked control over his instinctual tendency to tap in to the Dark side of the Force.

In truth, things were going very slowly and Kanan was beginning to doubt whether they'd ever truly succeed. But he knew Ezra was doing his best and was struggling with so many things on the same time that it often overwhelmed him, and thus his Master did not want to give up yet.

It wasn't easy for him though, being in as much pain as he was, especially from the broken bone in his back. As a result, his own focus was often divided between training Ezra and making sure he didn't get overpowered, and hiding the fact that he was straining just to sit in their usual meditation position for even an hour, trying to spare Ezra from feeling his teachers pain, and constantly being reminded of what had caused the injuries to begin with.

Stumbling, Kanan hurried to sit down on the bed, leaning forward and placing a hand on his forehead. He was hungry, but also tired, having slept only a few hours the previous night, because of Ezra, who was still residing in his room with him.

"You look miserable" he heard a voice and looked up to see Hera standing in the door. "Hera" he said "what brings you by?". He sensed her come over to him and sit down on the bed beside him. Then she took one of his hands in hers, looking at him with worried eyes. "I saw Ezra leaving to go for a walk and figured I'd drop in and hear how it's going. Judging from your expression, I assume it's less than good?".

Kanan sighed. "The correct answer is slowly. It's going a lot slower than I thought it would. Ezras powers have grown exponentially over the last months and we're both struggling with how to keep them in check, but at least there haven't been any more unfortunate incidents since we started training" he replied, his head lowered and his shoulders slumping.

"In truth, all we have achieved these past weeks, is for Ezras nightmare-vision to come less frequently. But it does still come, and when it does, he still can't control what happens in himself… Or around him. And so Maul continues to have his claws in him, trying to pull him to the Dark side. Honestly, if I'm not there when Maul decides to assault him, I doubt he'll be able to resist him at all… This is gonna be a long, tough battle, and I cannot let Ezra lose it".

"You won't" Hera responded, her eyes locked on him and a hand on his cheek "I know the two of you will conquer this, or at the very least, make it possible for him to live a proper life with it… Well, as proper as it can be, all things considered, anyways".

The room was silent for a moment as the two stared at one another, but then Kanan smiled at her, and placed a hand over hers on his cheek. "Thanks Hera. I appreciate your faith in us… In me… I will do my best not to disappoint you" he said, and Hera smiled back. "I'm only saying things as I see them" she replied and then the room fell silent again as their foreheads touched for several long seconds, before they pulled apart again and their hands fell.

"But you really don't look good love. Want me to make you some food and bring it here? We may not have much, but we aren't yet at a point where we'll need to go hungry. Maybe you'd like some tea or caf?" Hera asked, rising from the bed.

"You don't need to wait on me Hera. I'll get my own food, don't worry about it" Kanan replied and rose with her. As he did, a grimace of pain passed over his face and Hera frowned. "Are you certain? You seem to be in a lot of pain and who would be surprised at that, considering your broken bones. Maybe you should just let me do this for you while I can, and lie down instead, until Ezra returns". "Or I have to go look for him. Knowing him, he'll find a way to get himself in trouble, even all the way out here".

"If it comes to that, you won't be the one looking for him Kanan. You're injured. I'll send Sabine and Zeb instead". "Oh, so you'd bench the one person who can sense which direction Ezra is in here in the ship, and instead send out two who'll be looking for him blindly?". "If necessary, yes. But Ezra is strong. He might just come back on his own you know". Kanan shrugged. "Well, alright then. If you say so, Captain" he said, smiling faintly.

Hera, smiling back, headed for the door. "I won't be long" she then said and left.

Once she was gone, Kanan sighed and lay down in the bed. Mindful of his back, he rolled on to his side, and maneuvered Ezras pillow in between his knees for extra support. Then he sighed. He reached a tentative thought towards his Padawan, but got only a vague sense of frustration back, and quietly retreated once more, before the other could sense his pain.

"How are we going to do this kid?" he thought to himself "should I be pushing you harder to try and speed up the process? Should I shorten our sessions and then make them more frequent instead, so you don't get as drained from them? Or would that make your nightmare return full force again? Man, I wish I had some help in this… Sometimes, the knowledge of how few of us are left, really do make me feel alone in this galaxy".

Closing his eyes, Kanan felt how tired he really was and yawned. He knew Hera would be back with food soon, and at the thought his stomach growled loudly, but maybe he could just take a small nap…

Of course, when Hera did return, she found Kanan firmly asleep in his bed and smiled. "About time" she then mumbled to herself, knowing just by looking at him how tired he must have been. He was putting everything he had in to Ezras training, despite his own pain and exhaustion, once again putting himself last.

"You always do this" she mumbled on, placing the food she'd brought on the floor before walking over to him and gently pulling a blanket up to his chin, letting a hand brush over his hair affectionately "you always put everyone else before yourself. Except for those 6 months, you've always done that. Don't you realize how much we want you to be safe too? At least think about yourself once in a while… But I do get why you're so eager for Ezra to master his emotions. You're right in that we cannot let him be lost to the Dark. We're already fighting so much".

Silencing, Hera continued caressing his hair for a while longer before she rose. "Good thing I made a sandwich, but your coffee will be cold. Oh well, knowing you, you'll drink it anyways, not wanting to waste anything and in these times, I agree with that. I'll just leave the tray here… Rest well, my love" she whispered to herself, the last words barely audible…

Ezra didn't know how long he'd been out, only that suddenly the sun was setting, and night came swiftly on Atollon. And with night, considering the desert-like climate of the planet, came cold. And he didn't like the thought of being caught out in the chilling night, with all the Krykna around and no light.

At least he had his lightsaber, both for light and self-defense. Of course, it wouldn't really give him any warmth. Shivering, he lifted his head to see the last rays of sun disappear beneath the horizon. Would he even be able to find his way back to the ship, and base, considering how aimlessly he'd been wandering around?

"Well, I have to try" he said to himself "if I stay out here, Kanan will never let it go! He might just decide to lock me in his room for like… well, weeks at least!". And with that, he turned around and started heading back in what he hoped was the direction he'd come from…