The last entry
(Attention! Small trigger warning for mentioning suicide)
Day: I don't know Year: Something around three hundred
I'm BORED.
I mean I was bored before, but now it's unbearable.
I now know the entire Nether in and out and I have also trained my skills to the maximum of perfection.
Of course I'm still training but the mobs in the Nether are no longer opponents for me.
What wouldn't I give everything for a good, smart, strong opponent who is really good.
But of course that won't happen!
I'm so bored by now that I don't even know what to write in this book anymore.
And what is even worse, I begin to miss things.
The moon.
The night.
The cool wind on my skin.
Just being in the Overworld.
How I HATE waking up every day, knowing that I won't see anything but this red Netherrack again today!
Everything here is red!
I'm so sick of it.
I want to see other colors again, like the green of the meadows or even the blue of the sky.
It's getting harder and harder to remember it every day.
I am so afraid that I will forget all of it forever.…
Or that so much has changed that I won't recognize it anymore if I ever get out of here, which will probably never happen anyway.
I even begin to miss people.
I want to have a normal conversation for once. With someone who will talk back to me!
I want to be able to argue or even just listen as someone tells me a story.
In other words, I want nothing more than to be free again but I'm afraid that won't ever happen.
I...I have become so desperate that I have toyed with the idea of...taking my own life...but I quickly dismissed that.
First because I can't die anyway and second because that would mean that I give up on Notch and Steve.
And I certainly don't do that!
Even if I don't think that they are interested since they don't seem to remember me anyway…
Otherwise they would have shown up by now.
My loneliness has reached a level, which I don't think is healthy anymore.
At least it feels that way.
I try to make up stories so that I remember the Overworld and so that I don't lose my mind, but it seems to work less and less.
I can feel my mind starting to detach from reality more and more, no matter how much I fight it.
I probably would have gone completely insane if something didn't happen recently. A few days ago, I woke up hearing voices. And they were not the voices in my head that taunt me at times in my head, but real human voices.
It turned out to be three Enderman hybrids who teleported here with the help of an enchanted Ender Eye. Hybrids can't teleport back and forth between dimensions, so they used it to get here, but it broke as a result.
They didn't know who I was, of course.
I didn't tell them either.
Why should I?
That would have only led them to question why a third unknown god has been banished to this unknown dimension, sealed off from all others, condemned to oblivion.
And then I would have had to explain to them my whole story and my failure, and as much as I might enjoy finally being able to talk to someone again, I don't want to share this with anyone.
I don't want to relive all those memories!
It's bad enough that I dream about it every night!
Anyway, there were three of them when they came to the Nether, but unfortunately they all died shortly after that.
Still, their coming here gave me hope again, because they showed me that there are ways to get into the Nether. If there are ways in, then there must be ways out!
I think I may have the beginning of a plan.
Finally, to get freedom!
I can only hope that it will work, because if it does not, I don't know how much longer I can stay sane.
That was it.
Hopefully, Nuka flipped through all the remaining pages, but they were all empty.
Nevertheless, he was not disappointed.
He had been able to find out a lot about Herobrine and to be honest, he had found out more about him than he wanted to.
With a soft sad sigh and a heavy heart he closed the book and was about to turn away when his eyes fell on the photo again.
Sadly he looked at it.
I'm sorry for the three of them, he thought sadly, I wish it didn't end like that...
But time can never be turned back.
At this thought Nuka sighed and put the photo aside and took another one out of his pocket.
It was even more bent and dirty than the one in Herobrine's book, but it was not so old and the colors were still bright.
Nuka looked at it.
In the photo he was 10 years old, with his mother standing behind him.
He himself was laughing and waving in the picture and his mother had her arms around him and was smiling happily.
All I have left from that time... Nuka thought sadly what I have left from her... is this...
He swallowed and tears came to his eyes as he thought about how happy and carefree he had been back then, not knowing that soon he would lose it all.
I miss her so much, he thought sadly as he looked at his mother, who was still happy and alive at that time.
She shouldn't be gone, Nuka thought, and terrible feelings of guilt spread through him. I should have died! Instead, I'm still here... and she's not. I should not have left her!...
He shook his head and tried to calm down again before turning his gaze back to the photo. This photo was a blessing or a curse at the same time.
On the one hand, it was nice to have a glimpse into the past and remember happy times, but on the other hand, it kept reminding him of what he had lost.
Nuka sighed and was about to take his eyes off the picture when he suddenly realized how similar his and Herobrine's fates were. They both had a wonderful life until it all suddenly fell apart and they were both plunged into deep darkness from which they had not yet found their way out.
Maybe that's why we get along so well, Nuka thought and smiled faintly. About to put away the photo again, he noticed a small date at the bottom. He leaned to take a better look at it.
It was the date of his 10th birthday, the day the photo was taken...
At that moment it occurred to him. His 17th birthday! It was in a few days!
Instead of being happy about it, he just sighed deeply. Since the catastrophe on his 12th birthday, he had had no desire, let alone opportunity, to celebrate his other ones but now? He thought about it. Right now was the perfect opportunity. He had time, he was not on the run, and he was generally pretty much safe. Besides, who knows if such an opportunity would ever arise again? Unfortunately, with his risky life, that was by no means certain.
Nuka shuddered at the thought, but quickly suppressed it as he looked again at the photo and felt some confidence rise in him again.
All right, he thought with a small smile, I'll try to celebrate my birthday this year! Maybe I'll even manage to bake myself a cake.
At that moment his eyes fell on Herobrine's diary.
I should return it, he added thoughtfully, I don't want Herobrine to find it here, and besides, I might as well look around for some cooking and baking books.
With that in mind, he stood up, put the book back in its fake cover, and tucked the photo inside before walking out the door and disappearing toward the library.
