Raph leaned forward on the edge of his bed, rubbing his eyes as he tried to ease his trembling. It was about ten minutes since he woke up gasping, the memory he had been forced to relive playing just as vividly as it had been in his sleep. He was back under the Krang's control, his tentacle arm wrapped around Leo's throat as he lifted him off the ground. His brother's eyes bore into his, full of grief and fear, his voice trembling as he spoke those same words that had somehow reached Raph, broken that evil alien's iron hold on his mind. But the scene replayed over and over, filling him with a terrible fear of what could have happened, what should have happened. He could have killed his little brother, he nearly had. He'd wanted to.
It was because the Krang was manipulating his thoughts, Raph knew that. But it didn't make the knowledge much easier to live with. He wasn't sure the guilt would ever fully leave him, even if he was able to eventually get past it. Indeed, over the past few weeks his nightmares had begun to ease and lessen, and much to his relief the same was holding true for his younger brothers. It was still relatively common for Mikey to come slipping in with trembling hands and wet eyes, anxious for comfort, which Raph was glad to give. Even Donnie had been breaking his regular habit of isolation to seek the others out, which was a testament to how shaken the whole 'stopping the apocalypse' situation had left him… not to mention, almost losing two of his brothers in the same day.
Raph's jaw tightened as another memory played in front of him: Leo's voice on his comm, announcing his intent to submit to a certain, painful death for the sake of everyone else, the portal closing, the Technodrome exploding, the harsh, crushing realization that Leo was gone for good. Raph still remembered his blue-banded brother's soft laugh, his tired but somehow still joking voice.
You're one to talk, big bro. Hero moves are totally your style.
There was no way of ever forgetting the sickening horror he felt as he processed those words. Leo had sacrificed himself not just because he'd believed it was the right thing to do, but because it was what Raph did. For two years, the eldest turtle had pushed Leo to step up, to take responsibility, and it turned out those words had been getting through after all. And in that moment, all Raph could do was wish he could take them all back.
Taking a deep, trembling breath, the eldest turtle lowered his hands, but before he could do any more, a strange sensation came over him. As if pulled by some unseen force, Raph rose to his feet and headed out of his room. Soon he'd reached Leo's train car but hesitated outside, pulling back the curtain just a little.
Leo sat cross-legged on his bed, wide awake and clearly with no plans to sleep anytime soon. That alone was enough to concern Raph, but the look on his younger brother's face worried him even more. To say he looked tired would be an understatement, but it wasn't the kind of tired that came from sleeplessness. He was holding something, and even from a distance Raph could tell what it was… it was that picture Casey brought with him from the future. The memory of when they rescued Leo from the prison dimension played in Raph's mind. Though beaten within an inch of his life and barely conscious, the slider had been holding onto that photo as if it was all he had left. Of course, until Mikey tore open the portal, it had been all he had left. As far as Leo knew, he'd sealed himself in that dimension to die, with the photo as his only comfort.
Raph saw Leo run a thumb over the picture, then his eyes grew overbright as he clenched his jaw, then pressed the photo to his chest and bowed his head as if he was trying to pull into himself. He started trembling, and even if he couldn't hear it Raph knew his brother was crying. Without hesitation, the snapper pushed aside the curtain, but almost the moment he stepped inside Leo's head whipped up.
"Raph?" He looked away and began rubbing his uninjured arm across his eyes, as if desperate to hide the evidence. Even now, though, he didn't let go of the photo.
"I-I didn't…" he stammered "I just…"
Letting out a quiet sigh, Raph walked over and sat on the bed beside Leo. With a gentleness learned from years of soothing his much smaller little brothers, he took the slider's arm and pulled it down. Despite clear reluctance, Leo let him ease the old photo from his grip. Raph looked at it, then the corner of his mouth quirked up.
"Remember the day we took this?" He let out a soft chuckle. "Seems like a lifetime ago, doesn't it?"
Leo didn't reply for a moment, and Raph looked up to see he was gazing at the opposite wall, but that clearly wasn't what he was seeing.
"It was," he said in quiet, dejected tone that seemed unnatural coming from him. Raph felt his throat tighten but swallowed and kept his own voice steady.
"Leo, we're all going through a lot, but we don't gotta do it alone." He placed a hand on Leo's back, trying not to cringe when he looked at the bandages still wrapped around his torso. "I know how ya feel, believe me, but…"
Leo let out a half sigh, half scoff, his sad look growing bitter.
"You can't," he muttered. "You were never a complete failure. I always knew I'd screw this whole leadership thing up somehow… I just never thought…"
As he trailed off, Raph felt his heart twist. Recent events had gotten him thinking harder about how things were between him and Leo those past two years, and he'd developed a growing suspicion that he was now even more sure was correct.
"Well, I don't think that's right," he said. "I can think of plenty a' times I screwed up. And something I failed pretty majorly at."
Leo looked at him, a genuinely baffled look on his face. Meeting his younger brother's eyes, Raph felt a strangely humbling feeling. In those eyes, the eldest turtle could do no wrong. Was the real hero, the real leader. Pushing it back, he went on.
"You said on the Technodrome you were fighting me 'cause you didn't understand me. Well, I've been doin' a lot of thinking, and I'm starting t' think it went both ways."
His brother's eyes widened, and behind the confusion, Raph could see a hint of foreboding.
"Th' whole time I figured you were actin' the way you were 'cause you just didn't wanna take the responsibility."
"I didn't," Leo said, far too quickly. "I'm not you. I'm the face man, that's all I…"
"Leo," Raph interrupted, his voice still gentle but firm now. "I think we both know that's not it."
Leo stopped right away, looking almost abashed. The eldest turtle went on, with a small smile.
"It was 'cause you were trying to make Pops change his mind… wasn't it?"
Leo had a look on his face that distinctly reminded Raph of when he was six and Splinter had just caught him trying to do a jump on the skateboard ramp after he'd said they weren't old enough for that yet.
"I… I was just…" Leo stammered.
"You were scared too," Raph finished. "That you'd make a mistake, and one of us would get hurt or worse. That you'd fail us."
He kept his eyes fixed on Leo's, and he saw them move to the damaged portion of his shell. The pain in them was heartbreaking to see, and he heard Leo let out a choked laugh as he looked down, touching his broken arm in its sling.
"Guess I was right all along, huh?"
His voice trailed off as he closed his eyes, tears escaping as he sniffled quietly. He was trying not to full out cry, Raph realized. He was trying not to look weak in front of his brother. That was almost enough to break Raph's resolve, and he reached out to pull Leo into a gentle one-armed hug.
"Maybe ya were about making a mistake," he murmured. "But about failin' us, no way. Look at everything you did… just half of it should've been impossible. And what ya were willing t' do to make sure we were safe, that everyone was safe… that's amazing."
The younger turtle tensed for just a moment, then crumpled against Raph with a soft whimper.
"I had to… I knew it was the only way. But I was… s-so scared…"
The eldest turtle stroked his large hand up and down Leo's arm, his own eyes prickling at the slider's hushed sobs.
"I know, little brother," he soothed. "We were too."
After a few moments of silence, Raph went on.
"So I need to say I'm sorry too. That I didn't see it sooner."
Leo shook his head.
"S' okay," he whispered. "You couldn't 've known."
"Neither could you," Raph replied. "So there ya go… I screwed up too. Either way, that's in the past. What matters now is we move forward, together."
Leo let out a tearful laugh, but this time there was no bitterness in it. For the first time since the Krang invasion, it sounded like him.
"Wise words, big brother. Thanks."
Raph grinned and rubbed a hand over his brother's head.
"Anytime. Like I said, we're here for each other."
Leo nodded, still smiling.
"Always."
