Selyse

Another sleepless night.

Selyse sat beside the window, where the first ray of sunlight would shine through. These days she could not sleep until she felt the warmth of the sun take away the coldness in the room. The flames in the fireplace danced like usual, but it never brought her any comfort. Only loneliness.

She reached for a bottle of Arbor Red and stared at the liquor blankly, before finally pouring some for herself. Half of a goblet was enough to bring fire into her blood, filling the emptiness that surrounded her with a brief, fleeting sweetness.

What else could she do? Selyse knew that her life, as a queen and as a wife, had ended. No matter what words her father had threatened her with, she could not make Aenys come back to her… and she could not say genuinely that she wanted him back. At least, not the way her father wanted.

Between Aenys and her, everything was…

As she thought of him, images flashed before her eyes, and her fingers tightened around her arms. The scar he left on her had long healed, but the pain in her heart did not fade. No matter what, their relationship could not return to normal.

If she could choose, she would prefer to never hear Aenys' confession. She would be so much happier not knowing what kind of man he was. It would be living a lie, but at least she could live believing that she had a tomorrow.

…Tomorrow Aenys would leave King's Landing, she had heard.

Once he left, he might never return. It would be the end of her suffering… and her last hope snuffing out. There would never be a resolution between them…

A knock at the door. At this hour? Frowning, she stood up. Slowly walking towards the door, she asked, "Who—"

"Selyse." Aenys' voice halted her breathing. She stopped, staring at the door. She had given up… she thought he would never come to see her…

But he was there. Standing outside the door.

"I…" he tried several times to speak. Selyse could hear him breathing heavily and sighing.

She could picture him, his perfect silver brows frowning together, his lips opening and closing, his gaze wavering. I know him well, she thought. Selyse had loved him before their lives turned to hell.

But had she loved the man or the facade he wore?

"...I'll leave for the North tomorrow." he finally managed to say. She did not react. How could she? Ever since she knew of the news of the war in the North, she had been hoping for him to find her.

Apologising, explaining, or just... whatever. But nights had passed, and he had not come to her. Selyse had long since given up. Her father thought that Aenys was tired of her, a wife that was plain and produced no living children. He had raged on his misfortune, screamed at her, comparing her to her elder sisters that did their duties.

Yet…

"I… I have talked to Daena and Calla. They know what I have done now." Aenys' words surprised her.

Finally. I have been waiting for so long…

He finally told them the truth he was so desperate to hide. Selyse had thought he would let the secret die with him.

It took bravery to confess a crime… he had that, once. But not the bravery to accept being condemned.

Selyse did not think he would try again. She had nearly lost all hope in him.

"Everything else is over. About us… I don't dare to wish for you to forgive me," Aenys swallowed, "but there's something you need to know." His voice dropped, and he whispered, "about… my last gift for you."

Last gift. That was the golden key.

Her hands went to her neck. She did not know why Aenys sent her a key, but she had kept it, wearing it as a necklace. Of all the pieces of jewellery he had given her, none of them seemed as meaningful as the key.

"You… you still have it, don't you?" panic suddenly grew in Aenys' voice. "You didn't throw it away?"

Her silence had scared him, she knew. "I still have it. It's right here," she said quietly.

"Good," Aenys immediately said, "I was afraid that you would have thrown out everything I gave you—"

"I won't! Every gift you have given me is my treasure," Selyse blurted out.

Aenys paused, his voice trembling. "Even now… you still keep that handkerchief?"

Did she hear a sniff from him? "Even now," she confirmed.

How could she not? That was… Aenys' first gift for her.

She still remembered that day vividly…

The king sent her a note. The king, who was her betrothed. The Restorer, the Blackfyre king that was her father's greatest hope, who looked and acted perfect, a king out of tales, a true son of the King Who Bore the Sword.

He chose her out of political necessity, not for any affection he had for her. She knew that. She was no fool.

Yet, when she received his note to meet him in the gardens, she still flushed and rushed to meet him, her heart filled with excitement. The hope she harboured in her heart was foolish, but she could not help herself. To be loved by the perfect king was every girl's dream, and she was no different.

Aenys was waiting for her with a kind smile on his face, one that she felt would charm the Maiden herself. "My lady." His smile turned concerning when he saw her panting, "You need not make haste just because of our meeting. I'll be waiting for you for as long as necessary."

She must be blushing so hard. "Your Grace," she curtsied deeply, "I shan't make you wait. You're my king, and you called for me."

"King that I am, but no proper man will make a lady wait." He examined her features, red-faced as she was, and pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to her. Embarrassed, she took it with a small thanks and wiped her sweat away.

...And as she looked at the handkerchief, she saw that it was ruined with paint, melted because of her heavy sweating. Her face must be a mess.

Failure, she blamed herself. So clumsy and careless that she would ruin her date with the king. Now that he saw her plain face, he would be horrified—

"My lady, no, Selyse," Aenys said, choosing his words carefully, "You needn't be so tense before me. We're to wed. I'll be seeing your face every day. So… you don't have to worry about makeup in front of me."

"But my face is plain and homely," she said in a small voice. "Everyone said so." It was the truth. She had known it ever since she was a little girl.

"You will be my queen. Nobody will say that anymore if they wish to keep their head. Now…" he held her chin and lifted her head slowly. Selyse closed her eyes the moment she met his gaze, not wanting to witness his disappointment. Even so, she could feel the pressure of his eyes examining her. Finally, he said, "You're fine, Selyse. You look completely fine."

Eh?

She opened her eyes in surprise. Aenys was smiling wryly. "I don't think flattering is what you want to hear… but if anyone says your features are repulsive, they're definitely wrong. I like you… the way you are."

Her cheeks were burning. He did not praise her beauty, but neither did he criticise her. And most importantly, he liked her.

"I… Your Grace, I…" she tried to muster a response but ended up stumbling on her words several times. At last, she settled on, "Your handkerchief, should I—"

Aenys pondered for a moment. Then he took the handkerchief from her hands and folded it into a flower. "There," he smiled, "A flower for a fair maiden. Keep it… and consider it the first of many gifts I shall give you."

She blushed again.

Selyse took out the handkerchief from her pocket. It was made with fine silk, but it was not anything extravagant, the only thing that showed it once belonged to the king was the black dragon embroidered on a corner. But it had been with her for many long nights full of tears.

Before that day, she had been terrified of the marriage. Fearing that she would fail to meet the king's standards, that they would not get along and she would bring her family down with her…

But Aenys had quickly assured her. She did not have to worry. There's no doubt that he was a kind man… and he would treat her well, better than anyone ever had.

For the first year of marriage, she was spoiled with all sorts of gifts she could barely imagine, anything she wanted Aenys would get for her. He spent all his spare time with her and tried so hard to impress her… there was no reason for her to doubt his love for her.

It was a happy life… and the peak of her life was the day she gave birth to their son. Daemon, the greatest gift Aenys had given her.

But he had left them forever. And that was how everything first fractured.

Their son, the son that Selyse had nursed every day, the heir Aenys put all his hopes on… was dead, coughed on his own blood and died.

No one was to blame for that. Daemon had been clinging to life ever since he had that fever that almost took him the first month after his birth. He never completely recovered.

Yet when they were brought before his body, so small and so weak and utterly helpless…

A cold hand had covered her eyes.

"Don't look," Aenys had told her, "You don't have to look."

His hands were shaking. Tears from Selyse wet his palm, but he continued to hold her. Selyse still saw Daemon's dead body in her mind, but she nodded, accepting his kindness. She could not bear to refuse him,

"Who discovered this first?" Aenys asked the knight scheduled to watch over the nursery.

"Princess Rohanne. She was playing with the prince, and then…"

"I see. Daena and her husband haven't returned yet… doesn't matter. Bring her in, and take… Daemon away." Aenys' voice was cold and lifeless. He's repressing his pain, Selyse thought, we're both hurting so much.

But she did not understand. Aenys' pain was different from hers.

When Aenys removed his hands her baby was nowhere to be seen. Instead, little Rohanne was brought in, eyes red and sobbing uncontrollably. Selyse did not think she had ever since the girl cried so hard. She had been a cheerful girl, always smiling.

Aenys kneeled down and slowly ruffled Rohanne's hair. "Rohanne. I need you to tell me what you saw today when you were with my son. With Daemon." His tone was soft, but Selyse could feel the steel behind it. This was an order.

Weeping, Rohanne managed to squeeze out between sobs, "Father and Mother weren't here. So I wanted to play with Daemon… but when he wanted to talk… suddenly he started… coughing…" Then, as if she could no longer hold it anymore, she cried loudly, "I'm sorry, Uncle Aenys! I'm so sorry!"

Selyse's heart broke at the sight. She expected Aenys to comfort his niece, to tell her it wasn't her fault. But he froze there. His hand stayed on Rohanne's head, unmoving, even as Rohanne bawled her eyes out.

But as something blazed in Aenys' eyes, Selyse finally noticed what he was doing. His hand on Rohanne's head was threatening to tighten, to crush her skull beneath his hand. "Aenys," she called out, hands on his arms and guiding him back to normal— back to her side, "I think we should let her rest. She is scared."

"...Yes, we should." Aenys sighed. Then he ruffled the girl's hair again— even as she visibly shivered under his touch— before sending her away. "I left the tourney to be taken care of by Uncle Aegor and Calla… I need to prepare for the funeral. You can rest."

"I want to stay with you." Because Selyse was afraid Aenys' wrath would affect his judgement again. She thought that she could stop him if she was with him.

"Is that so?" There was no emotion in his question. "But I think you really should rest. If you're concerned about me, then I'll stay with you for a while."

Selyse did not protest as he took her back to their shared quarters. They would share their sorrows and comfort each other in this time of need, she had thought.

But as soon as they were alone, Aenys pulled her close and held her shoulders. "Do you think I'm wrong?" he asked, desperately, "Do you think this is my fault, too? I don't want this, Selyse. I didn't want our boy to get hurt. I didn't mean to let my family die again."

He was speaking so rapidly that Selyse had no time to ponder on his nonsensical words. From Aenys she only felt deranged energy threatening to explode, a power that was both self-destructive and harmful to others. But there was no one else, and Selyse was his only prey.

"I don't—" she tried to speak, but it was already too late. Aenys had read another message from her eyes.

"Why are you afraid of me?" He squeezed her shoulders so tight she cried out in pain, but he did not care as he hissed at her face. "You couldn't have known… you couldn't have known what I have done… could you?"

"What… what?" Selyse was terrified. This was not the Aenys she knew. That was not the man she married. "I don't understand…" Weakly, she begged, "I don't know what you're saying… please, let me go, Aenys… it hurts…"

Selyse did not know what made him regain his sanity. Perhaps it was her tears. Perhaps he realised he had just spilt his secret out to her, even only partly. Or perhaps he was simply tired, she thought when she noticed his heavy panting. "I'm sorry." There was genuine sadness in his voice, but Selyse did not care. He released her, and she ran away to hide in their bedchamber, shutting the door tightly.

Aenys did not return that night. The whole night, she huddled on the bed, covering herself with sheets, yet she could not stop shivering. Daemon… Aenys… why?

Aenys might have wanted to hurt Rohanne, but deep in his heart, he blamed himself for Daemon's death.

Her perfect king, her husband who was gentle, hardworking, and loving, always tried to keep a smile for her no matter how tired he was, always respect her words when she had something to say, always…

She thought she understood him, that she had his confidence and a special place in his heart. But she never knew he was hiding something… a sin so vile that he thought it was his fault that their son was taken away.

What could it be? What could he have done that made the Seven retake their son's life?

She never knew. They spent two years together, and she never knew a thing. He had lied… hiding his secrets and only showed her his brightest side.

But…

"No, it can't be… it can't be…" tears bursting out, she cried, "You aren't like that, are you? I don't think… I don't want to think…"

That you would have another face… one that was malevolent.

She cried until nightfall when she had lost all her strength. Her morning came with a maid bringing her refreshments, and Selyse was surprised by how disappointed she was because Aenys was not with her.

If it's true that he has done something vile… that Daemon's death is a divine punishment… then—

Her baby, lay dead with blood on his lips. She could not forget that scene. Just one glance, and she knew she would never forget.

Aenys brought her to the Heavens when he made her queen, then pushed her into the Seven Hells. His face when he held her, this was a beast's face—

But… this can't be, can it?

Thoughts in her head swirled, driving her mad. Aenys…

...She could only think of one place he would be in.

She ate and let her maids wash and dress her. When they took off her clothes she heard them gasping. Her shoulders… They were painted in ugly purple.

Selyse quickly ordered them to keep silent about the matter. She did not want to cause a fuss, and no one had to know this. She had no guarantee that they would be tight-lipped, but she had to do what she could.

As much as she was afraid of him, she could not afford to be set aside. She kept pondering what to do. Was she brave enough to face him?

Still, once she was prepared for the day her legs brought her before his solar. For a few anguishing moments she was afraid that he would refuse her entry.

But he hugged her. He hugged her tightly, murmuring comforting words. He was going to stay with her, he told her. He would be on her side…

Yet when he touched her bruised shoulders she felt a chill. No, she shook her head, no. This won't happen again. I know he's a good man.

But she was lying to herself, as she could not unsee what she had seen.

The Massacre of Flea Bottom, the court called it. Usurper's blood, the tainted line of the Blackfyres showing its true colours, people whispered. The Blackfyre Witch would continue her slaughtering once she woke up—

Selyse would not believe a word of it. Calla was a kind and reliable girl. She had shown nothing but respect and compassion for Selyse during those days she was adjusting to her queenship…

But on the other hand, Selyse had heard about her record on the battlefield. In the same breath which people called her father the Warrior in flesh, Calla was the Stranger's chosen. Calla Blackfyre had never lost a battle, and her sword only manifested to take lives.

The Massacre was only the latest of her killing…

Selyse did not believe it. But nobody told her anything, not directly, The circumstances leading to Calla's coma were never explained to her.

Her father did not trust her and would not tell her his worries. Aenys put up a smile in front of her, but he said nothing about his increasingly heavy workload. He had not harmed her again, but he had grown distant from her… his tenderness could not cover up the wall he had built between them.

"Selyse." There he was, smiling, with wariness in his tired eyes. "I'm sorry for making you wait."

It was late at night, yet Aenys was still working. Selyse used to sleep first if she was not taking care of Daemon, but since that day, she could not sleep if Aenys was not at her bedside.

Not because she was lonely. It was because she was afraid of the thoughts that came to her late at night, and that he would leave her when she was not looking…

Even so, you haven't bore him another child. Just one living grandson is what I ask of you! Keep him waiting long enough, and he will replace you with another!

Father's words echoed in Selyse's ears. That could not be. Being abandoned was worse than death. The third daughter of the Peakes, raised to queenship, failing her only duty—

"...I have been a disappointing husband, haven't I? I can't give you what you want," Aenys whispered.

...What?

Selyse stared at him and saw his gaze drop on her hands… caressing her own belly.

"I can't give you another child, to help you fill the void left by Daemon, because I'm always so busy. Selyse, I really want to spend more time with you. I promised that I won't leave you alone, but I—"

"You don't blame me?" she asked. It's always the wife's responsibility to produce an heir.

"Maegor the Cruel blamed his wife for his lack of an heir, yet no wife of his ever produced a living child. I'm…" Aenys forced out a chuckle, but Selyse saw him clenching his fists, "I'm not like him. No man should ever blame his wife for his own failings."

No one else had told her that it was not her fault… that she did not have to shoulder the responsibility.

Aenys...

"It hasn't been a year yet," Selyse found herself saying, "Father is pressuring me, but I can take it."

Aenys grimaced. "I'll talk to Lord Peake. He should know better than to take it out on you. I have let him escape his share of responsibility for the massacre because he is my ally, but this is unforgivable."

"Father…?" Wait, Aenys said… massacre…

Take a deep breath. It'll be fine.

Aenys kept her in his mind. He would not hurt her again. He was just worried about disrupting her with the tale, he would tell as soon as she asked.

"Aenys, what happened to Calla?" she asked, "There are all sorts of rumours in the court… I don't know what to believe—"

"Who?" Aenys cut her short, frowning, "Who told you about Calla?"

"Eh? No one told me anything… I just overheard it…"

"I want names. Tell me, who? I'm not so cruel as to cut out their tongues, but—"

Selyse gasped, "Cut— what?! Please don't…"

"I said I won't, damn it! Do you think I want to do such a thing?" Aenys gritted his teeth, his clenched fist held up to his chest, "I won't… I didn't… I didn't tell her to do it… but everyone thought…"

I should say something, comfort him, Selyse thought, even if Aenys' words had just confirmed her suspicion regarding Calla. Just tell him it isn't his fault…

But the words stuck in her throat. She was too afraid. The last time Aenys was like that, he…

"No matter what she did, Calla is my sister. She won my war for me, we would all be dead without her sword. I already…" he paused, his eyes suddenly widened, staring into Selyse's soul. "Just promise me you won't listen to them. I didn't want people to die, I'm not a mad king. You trust me, right?"

He was desperate, Selyse could tell, and although he held a fist he was not trying to hurt her. He was begging for her trust, her forgiveness…

Forgiveness? Why did that word cross her mind?

She did not believe that Aenys would order a massacre, did she?

"Of course I trust you, Aenys," as if to expel that thought, she said quickly, "You're a good king and you love your people. You won't want anyone to die."

Aenys sighed happily. "Selyse, I was afraid that you would hate me after last time. You're all I have, you must understand. I can't trust Uncle Aegor, who only cares about keeping his power, and Daena, who married a Targaryen. If I make even one mistake, I'll be disposed of… if they know what I did that day…"

He embraced her like that day she went into his solar, but Selyse could only shiver. Disposed of? Why did he always say such horrible things? No, why did he have to hide such horrible things from her?

He wanted her to trust him. But he did not trust her enough to tell her about his worries, his secret.

She had to ask him if only to repair their relationship. "What happened on 'that day', Aenys?"

He did not answer. Twisting her hair with his fingers, he pressed his cold lips against her forehead, kissing her… until Selyse felt cold tears dripping down her face.

He was crying… He was just as afraid as she was.

This realisation gave her the strength to speak up. "It's fine, Aenys, I'm always on your side."

He shook. "I killed him," he muttered in a quick, raspy voice. "I killed Daemon. My brother, not our son. On Redgrass Field."

...Eh?

Stop. Stop. Stop.

You're my husband. I love you. So stop making yourself into this— this—

But the screams in her head did not reach Aenys, and he talked and talked and talked, his words flowing out, telling her his horrible story. His darkest thoughts, his greed, his despair. How he both craved power and dreaded it, how his guilt had almost crushed him, how he feared that everything was his fault because he was an accused kinslayer.

"But I have you, Selyse, my love. You understand me, right? If I wasn't the king, I wouldn't be able to choose my own bride. I chose you because I knew that you would be able to understand me. Both love and luck favour the Bold, and it's only because of my actions that we managed to find each other. We only have each other… We're not that different, two people overshadowed by their elder siblings but worked hard to—"

Similar? I haven't done anything wrong. I'm innocent. You… your hands are stained with blood. You're…

"Being king is a lot more difficult than I thought. But I still have you." Aenys looked into her eyes, his hands reaching out to pull her into another kiss. "I'm glad that I found you."

As Aenys' purple eyes met Selyse's, she saw a dark flame burning in his pupils. The fuel of that fire was not firewood… but madness!

No!

She pushed him away so hard that he stumbled back. "You're mad," she blurted out in disgust, stepping away from him.

Aenys trembled, a smile still fixated on his face. "You don't mean that."

He scared her, but he repulsed her even more. How could he keep smiling? How could he do such horrible things? How could he…

Daemon's dead body flashed before her eyes—

"Our son died because of you!" The anger overwhelmed her and she yelled, "Because you're an accused kinslayer! Because the Gods decided to punish you! Give him back… give me my son back! I—"

Fingers tightened around her throat. In a moment, Aenys had pushed her onto the wall, her weight on top of her, screaming, "How dare you! I trusted you, Selyse, I believed you! You're supposed to be on my side… you're… my only ally…"

Selyse struggled, but she did not have the strength to push his hands away. "Let go… of me…"

"I told you everything! If you can't keep a secret, if you don't trust me… then I have no choice…"

Selyse's hands weakly waved in the air, her nails stretched towards Aenys' face, but it was always too far away. Air! She needed air!

Her vision faded, but she could still hear Aenys' emotionless voice. "I need to silence you."

She was suffocating, her hands dropped down to her sides. Lips shaking, she could do nothing but stare into those eyes she no longer recognised. Let me go. Forgive me. I don't want to die—

Something wet and warm landed on her eyes. It was… tears?

Slowly, she felt that she could breathe again, and her vision cleared up. She lay on the floor, Aenys on top of her… and he was crying.

His fingers loosened. He stepped back from her, falling onto the ground.

"I… can't do it," half crying, half laughing, he whispered, "I just can't…"

The pathetic sight of Aenys did not erase her fear. She had seen his true face, and there was no going back. She must get away from him… but there was nowhere to run.

Aenys was the king. If he wanted to kill her, the whole Red Keep would hunt her down…

As he was still sitting on the floor, mumbling to himself, Selyse climbed onto the bed and covered herself tightly. It was not safe, either, but she had nowhere else to go. Not even her father would protect her, she knew that clearly.

Aenys was right about one thing. They only had each other… he could not tell his secret to anyone else, and she had no one else who would protect her. And now, she… she could only tremble in her sheets and hope that he would not claim her life in the night.

How did her life manage to go on after that day?

She had half-expected Aenys to be gone after sunrise. But he was still there, on the floor, staring at his own hands. Those hands… that killed his own brother, that tried to kill her. Her neck still hurt…

...Last time Aenys merely grabbed her shoulders, and he left bruises that only healed after weeks. She did not have to look in a mirror to know that her neck was swollen and raw.

Numbly, She recognised that she had to hide the wound before her maids came in and found out.

She carefully tiptoed towards her wardrobe, but the noise brought Aenys' attention anyway. "Selyse," he rose, his voice giving Selyse shivers, "Your neck…"

His presence, so close to her, gave her undeniable fear. As his hand reached her, she screamed, "No! Don't touch me… Please don't…" Falling to the ground, she hugged her head, trembling.

He stepped back, grimacing, "I should leave you alone… shouldn't I? I… I won't try to touch you anymore. I have… no right to it."

She did not turn to look at him, but she could feel that he was still there, waiting for her to speak. Her hair behind her neck stood up. She needed him to leave, yes, but she also wanted him to never come back.

He had spared her once, but there was no guarantee that he would spare her the second time…

"I won't tell anyone," her voice was trembling, "so please… leave me. Let me live."

She heard a deep sigh, and footsteps leaving her. When she was brave enough to look, he had long since left the room. She picked out a dress with a high collar.

No matter what, life must go on, she told herself, and nobody can know about this.

As long as Selyse and Aenys both lived, their lives were linked together. If people knew what Aenys did to his brothers, she would lose everything… even if she no longer had any idea what "everything" included.

She saw that her face was ridden with tears too. This would not work, so she washed and painted her face. There, perfect.

Today she was supposed to have tea with Daena…

"Go on, tell them! Tell them what I have done, if you want! It was foolish of me to believe you to begin with!" Aenys shouted at her, cruel words piercing her like arrows. There was no sign of the guilt that she felt from him in the morning…

She was too careless, too naive. Daena figured out that something was wrong with her quickly, and when she saw the bruise on Selyse's neck things spiralled beyond control. Daena was quick to accuse Aenys, and he fought back with rage. Selyse stood at a corner, hoping that the fire would not reach her, but...

"Come on, you have the right of it after what I did to you, right? I was clearly in the wrong, so there's nothing wrong with you betraying my last bit of trust—"

This isn't it! I didn't betray you! She wanted to scream, but she could not. If she talked more, she feared that she would spill the secret.

Even now Daena is so angry. If they know what Aenys has told me… they might really dispose of him. Then what will become of me?

It all happened so quickly. Selyse was surprised that Daena would attack Aenys. She would not even raise her voice in front of her own brother. But Daena clearly cared…

Why did Aenys have to kill his brother? He told me that he has been neglected, but he was loved by his sister. It was me who was truly unloved…

Except by him.

When it was all quiet, Aenys talked to her. He had calmed down, and his words were soft and filled with sadness.

"…It's just that, I had hoped… I wouldn't have ruined everything."

Selyse wept. "I wished so, too."

But they both knew that he had, and there was no going back.

Time passed. Aenys had not come back to her. Where he went every night, Selyse did not know. She did not want to see him… not at first.

One week… two weeks… it was only when her father visited her, screaming at her to recapture the king's heart, that she realised that Aenys might never come back.

He wanted to maintain the delicate balance, the illusion that everything was fine. As long as she did not tell anyone about the truth, she would still be queen, albeit a lonely one.

…Perhaps she did not need to be lonely, even. Daena kept trying to talk to her. She wanted to know what happened between her and Aenys, that was certain, but she was nice to Selyse as well. If she could just reply properly to her... If she could just step outside the door and pretend that nothing had happened—

She could not. How could she?

She… was the queen whom the King no longer saw. It was not something Aenys could hide from the court. Once she stepped outside of her chambers, she would face the rumours straight on, and the blame would come on her instead of Aenys.

Selyse did not know if Aenys understood what she was facing, the reason why she never left her chambers. Perhaps he only thought that she did not want to face him in court.

Or that he did, but still chose to sentence her to a life where she could no longer show her face.

Time alone had slowly changed her. Days began to blur; she slept irregularly, her time awake spent on needlework and wine. She barely ate. Instead she spent hours staring at the window without doing anything.

It was maddening.

She wanted this life to end. Countless times when Daena came to see her, she thought of telling her the truth. But it was not her story to tell. Aenys was Daena's brother. She would not believe Selyse even if she told her.

…And, perhaps, even then… Selyse did not want to betray him.

Betray the trust for being the only one he had ever told the secret to. Betray the fact that he had spared her life…

The good fortune that had fallen onto her when Aenys made her queen. The grief and fear he brought her after their son died. The mutual trust they had for each other up until he told her his deepest secret. The attempted murder, his guilt and tears… when all added up together—

I don't owe him anything.

But it was time for this to be over. For all the pain she held, she was not the one Aenys had hurt the most.

She could not tell Daena his crime. He must tell her himself. So she told Daena, "I'm not the one he should be seeking out."

And since that day she took the key, she had been waiting—

For today, when Aenys would find her and tell her he had come clean in front of his family.

As their shared past flashed through Selyse's mind, she sighed deeply. All the slow, tormenting days. All the dying hopes and lingering wishes.

It would finally come to an end.

"I thought you would never come, Aenys," she said, her voice trembling, "I'm… glad."

"I…" Aenys sounded shocked— no, not just that. He was truly at a loss. "Could I… come in?"

The door creaked open. Selyse saw Aenys, his face gaunt, a pair of purple eyes stared surprisingly into hers, and his mouth widened.

"Selyse! Why do you look so— I— what have I done to you?" His surprise turned into guilt quickly. He saw her, and he understood. Biting his lips, he tentatively extended a shaky hand to her hair, caressing those dry, messy strands. "Have you been eating?"

"You don't look any better, you know." She looked at him. This was not how she imagined their meeting… for both of them to be broken. "You look like you haven't slept in a long while."

"I know that I look horrible," he whispered sadly, "but I was the one that had sinned. You shouldn't be suffering alongside me."

"I'm your queen. There's not one instant in history… where the queen has a better life than her king," tears burst out from her eyes, "Aenys, you're a… despicable man…"

"I know. I'm sorry… for scaring you so much. For trying to kill you. For leaving you alone with no explanation…" Aenys' apologies were disordered but heartfelt. He regretted it all, Selyse was sure.

"What did Calla and Daena say after they knew?" she asked softly. It felt like she was comforting him. There was a time when she wished so desperately to be a pillar of support for him. Back at that time… she had not seen how weak he actually was.

"They can't just forgive me. But they won't punish me… they won't let me die. They said I'm still their brother," Aenys whispered, "Selyse… I don't want to be the king anymore. I don't deserve that power. Ever since I became king, all I did was hurt people… hurting you."

Hurting you. His voice shook, and his hand shook as well. That was what Aenys was most concerned about. Her. Selyse's heartstring twinged. She had not thought that Aenys would still have that effect on her.

…He said he wanted to die, did he not?

"After the war, if I still live… I'll abdicate, with your permission. No matter if it's Calla or Daena who succeeds me, they'll make sure you're well treated. You can go wherever you want, do whatever you want to do. Your father won't be able to bother you… you'll be free. I want to set you free." Aenys paused, the determined tone he had previously turned uncertain, "Does that… sound good to you?"

"It's for the best if you abdicate, but… what will happen to you then?" Selyse asked quietly, "Where will you go?"

"…I don't know. If I can't die for my sins, maybe I'll exile myself. Be a hedge knight… fade into obscurity, until I have repaid my sins and then die on a road somewhere. That would be the best ending for someone like me, wouldn't it?" Aenys smiled wryly.

His words were meant to be comforting, Selyse was sure. But she still shivered. "I don't want that," she shook her head, again and again, "I don't want you to leave. Don't… leave me alone."

"Selyse…" Aenys stared at her, "You—"

"You're such a clever man, why don't you understand? I have nowhere to go even if I'm not the queen, your wife," she scolded, "You think that this arrangement will be good for me, but since we married our lives are linked together! There's no other life waiting for me even if you're gone, so please… don't make me spend the rest of my life like this past year. I want this to be over already… I don't want to be alone." She broke down, crying.

Aenys was at a loss for what to do. His lips opening and closing, he blurted out, "But don't you… hate me? You want me to stay with you the rest of your life?"

"I hate you! I hate that you're a two-faced liar, how you hurt me, the fact that you're a kinslayer! That you gave me a son then took him from me!" Selyse cried. This was the first time she felt that she could spill all the resentment she had for him.

Aenys bit his lips. Faced with the full force of her hatred, he did not try to evade her gaze. He only stared at her sadly, his expression filled with pain. He had not yet understood.

The one she hated the most… was never him.

"But I… I hate myself as well. I was always a failure as a daughter… you made me feel that I have some worth. You've made me happy. You're terrible, but now that you have come clean and lifted the pressure from your conscience, perhaps the tragedy won't repeat. Perhaps… we can still reach some sort of happiness," crying, Selyse begged, "Please… tell me that you'll try to come back alive from the war. Tell me that you won't destroy my last hope."

"I'm… the least worst option, then?" Aenys asked.

Selyse nodded.

Aenys briefly closed his eyes. "I understand. I promise you that I won't take the easy way out. If you're waiting for me, then I'll fight with my utmost."

"Promise?"

"Promise," he paused, "Will it be unreasonable… if I hope that you want me to stay because you still love me?"

Selyse looked into his eyes, full of nervousness and anticipation. She was reminded of the first time they met... when the girl rushed to meet the newly crowned king. In these aspects, we're so alike. "It's… unreasonable."

"Ah," he said, disappointed. Sadness filled his eyes…

At least, there's no denying that he still loves me.

At that moment, emotions that had been filling up her heart spilt out—

"But—"

Instead of words, she jumped into his chest, tightening her arms around his body. When she raised her head, she saw that his sadness was replaced by a bright, relieved smile. Even if she was a victim, even if all might turn wrong the next day once he left… they would still have this night together.

And that meant everything to her.