In the days after Lewis, Lindstrom had pressed her gently, carefully, on the matter of her recklessness. The question had not been motivated by a desire to place blame, had not been him quietly saying well, maybe if you'd been a little nicer to the guy he wouldn't have kidnapped and tried to rape you; it was instead a genuine sort of distress the compelled Lindstrom to ask why Olivia seemed to believe that everyone else in the world deserved protection except for her. The more she talked to him the more clear the picture had become, a picture of a woman who had spent more than forty years of life flirting with the edge of danger, almost looking for ways to hurt herself, as if she felt she deserved it. As if, buried somewhere deep in her subconscious, there was a voice whispering to her, telling her that her own life must be forfeit as payment for the sin of her birth. As if that was what she'd been working towards all along, as if she had been born to die.
Maybe he'd been right; maybe she'd been aware, in the past, that she didn't have to put herself in harm's way to get the job done, and had done it anyway, courting death in a macabre dance that had always seen her the victor. Maybe she'd gotten a taste for it, the adrenaline. Maybe she didn't have anything to live for apart from those few seconds when she was staring down the barrel of a gun and feeling like she was finally worth something. Quietly in love with a man who could never love her back, and alone on every holiday. Short on friends, no family to speak of. Abandoned by her love, eventually, casually seeing a man she liked enough to fuck on Saturday nights but not enough to go out with on Valentine's day. What life had there been for her, back then? It was an unpleasant question to face, but in the end she was glad Lindstrom asked it; in the end, she'd made her life something worth having.
And now she had a life so full it was bursting. The job had changed, or at least the way she did it had changed; it was her job to stay alive for her people, so that she could in turn keep them alive. They needed her, not a body to stand between them and violence, not a life sacrificed to give them the chance to run, but her continued presence, steady and unwavering, to defend them. Her love had returned to her, and this time he had opened his arms to her; this time he could love her, as she always wanted him to, and this time they could carve out a space for themselves, a place where they could be together, and not torn apart. She had her children, now. Noah and Gabi, and her granddaughters, had Elliot's children back in her life, his grandsons to look forward to meeting. There were so many people she loved, now, so many people who loved her, so many people who needed her alive.
But on the other side of a locked door high up in brick-faced building in the center of Hudson's campus, it was Natalie who needed her today, Natalie who needed her to risk everything. Natalie, who Gabi loved, who was Gabi's wife, Natalie who was mother to Olivia's granddaughters, Natalie who was her family, not by blood but by love. What good would Olivia be, if she didn't save Natalie now? Had it all been building to this, in the end, all the pain and all the grief, all the gunshots, all the hostage situations she'd talked her way out of in the past just the dress rehearsal for this one, this moment when the only person on earth who could save Olivia's family was Olivia herself?
There was no need to go over the plan with Amanda as they raced deep into the building, as they skidded to a halt in the third floor corridor behind the wall of ESU shields. It wasn't the first time she and Amanda had found themselves in a situation like this, and they both knew the parts they were to play, would play them well, flawlessly, and in so doing hopefully save the lives of everyone involved. Natalie wasn't the only hostage held behind that door; that room was full of people, other people's sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers, was full of strangers who meant as much to someone as Natalie meant to Liv, and she meant to save them all.
"Captain Benson, SVU. What've we got?" she asked the closest ESU officer. There were five of them, and they'd barricaded themselves behind their shields, blocked off the corridor and hunkered down while they waited for orders from downstairs.
"Dipshit with a gun," the officer muttered. "His ex-wife is a professor here, he blames the school for the divorce. He's in there ranting about the university turning women against their families."
"Is the ex-wife in there?"
The officer shook his head. "Guy's either stupid or crazy. She doesn't have class until the afternoon, she's not even on campus. But he came in here waving that gun, and once he was in he couldn't get back out. Took the hostages to buy himself some time."
"Ok."
For a moment she was quiet, running her hand over her face, thinking hard. Some asshole with a vendetta against women taking a bunch of gender studies professors hostage, she'd seen that sort of shit before, and under different circumstances might have found a man to talk to him, knowing he was unlikely to feel inclined to listen to a woman. But it wasn't just misogyny that compelled the man; he was grieving the loss of his family, convinced the world had turned against men like him. Maybe that was an angle she could work. Maybe he just needed to feel like he had a friend.
"What's his name?"
"Mickey."
"Ok. I'm gonna talk to him-"
"The fuck you are-"
"I already cleared it with the lieutenant downstairs," she said grimly. "I've been in situations like this before, I know what I'm doing. I'm just gonna talk to him, and if I don't get anywhere I'll hand it over to the hostage negotiator when they get here."
IAB was gonna be all over her ass when this thing was done. She was violating just about every protocol there was, was being incredibly reckless, but she didn't have another choice. How could she live with herself if she'd stayed downstairs, left Natalie to face this horror alone? Fuck the rules. She'd be happy to face the consequences once everybody walked out of here alive.
"Liv," Amanda said her name once, softly, and Olivia looked back over her shoulder, into the worried face of her friend. This all must have been terribly confusing for Amanda, who didn't know about Gabi, or Natalie, or any of it, who knew Olivia so well but had never heard her say the words my daughter before. When this was over Olivia owed Amanda a long explanation, but there was no time for that now.
"I'm going in," Olivia said, and Amanda just nodded.
The shield wall parted for them, and they stepped through it together, guns drawn, each of them taking one side of the door, watchful and wary.
"Hey, Mickey!" Olivia called as loudly as she could. "Mickey, can you hear me?"
"Go away!" a tortured voice bellowed back.
Here we go.
"Mickey, I'm Captain Benson, I'm a police officer-"
"I said go away!" the man howled wretchedly. "Just leave me alone, why can't you just leave me alone?"
"I can't do that, Mickey," Olivia said. "I want to, but I can't. You've got my daughter in there."
Jesus Christ, she heard one of the boys behind her breathe in horror.
"I can't go anywhere until I know she's ok."
"You're lying!"
"I'm not, Mickey, I'm not. Ask 'em yourself."
There was quiet for a moment, and Olivia strained with everything she had, trying to make out the sound of voices from behind the door, trying to determine if the hostages were unharmed.
"She's here," Mickey finally called back, and Olivia felt the smallest wave of relief ripple through her, though she did not relax for a second. "She says her name is Natalie."
"That's right," Olivia said.
"She's ok, you can leave now."
"I can't do that, Mickey. Listen, you got any kids?"
No one had said so, but Liv had a hunch that Mickey wasn't just angry about the divorce, figured maybe the wife had taken more than just herself with her when she left.
"Yeah," he said, miserable and working himself up more by the second. "I got two little boys. They're the best thing in the whole world and she took them from me."
"I know that hurts, Mickey. I know you love your kids. That was wrong. She shouldn't have taken them."
Privately Olivia thought maybe the wife had the right idea getting the kids away from Mickey, but she wasn't about to tell him that.
"You'd do anything for your kids, wouldn't you, Mickey? I know you would, because you're a good dad. I can tell."
"They're my life," he said.
"I know. I know I'd do anything for my kids. That's why I'm not leaving, Mickey. I gotta get my kid back. I gotta bring her home to her dad."
At this point she was just spitballing, trying to play on Mickey's paternal instincts; he hadn't taken the hostages because he wanted to hurt them, and maybe if Olivia reminded him that there were other dads out there, other dads he might be hurting just like he'd been hurt, he'd feel more solidarity with them than with the people in the room.
"My girl, she's got kids," Olivia continued. "My granddaughters need their mom, Mickey."
The guy must have been leaning up against the door; Olivia could hear him sobbing wetly, pathetically.
"Listen," she said. "I know you don't wanna hurt these people. You just wanna talk to your wife, right?"
"I want my boys back!"
"I know you do, I know you do, Mickey, but you're not gonna get 'em like this. Listen, what if you let these folks go, ok? Let 'em go, and take me instead. These cops, they're not gonna try anything if I'm in the room with you. And I'm not gonna hurt you, Mickey. I'm not gonna hurt you, because I understand, ok? Someone took my kids from me, I'd do anything to get 'em back. But right now, Mickey, you're the one keeping my daughter away from me, and we don't have a lot of time here."
Take the bait, she thought. Just take it. This was a dance she'd done before; there'd been a young guy, in the early days after Elliot left, a young guy who'd held his girlfriend and her daughter behind a locked door, waving a gun around, and Olivia had done the same thing then, traded places with the hostages and talked the kid down. Talked him down because she'd understood him in a way no one else on that scene was gonna, just like she understood Mickey now. This guy, he needed to feel like someone was on his side, and she could do that, just long enough to get Natalie and the rest of the hostages to safety.
"But what happens then?" Mickey said. "How is this gonna end? I'm not getting out of this room alive."
"You will, Mickey, you will," Olivia said fiercely, desperately. The last thing she needed was for this guy to start getting fatalistic. "You will, because I want your boys to see you again, ok? I want you alive, Mickey."
Really, she just didn't want Natalie to see the guy die. Nat was a professor, with a fairly comfortable, fairly normal life, and she'd probably never seen anybody get shot and Olivia didn't want her to have to witness it now.
"I'll let 'em go," he said. "I'll open the door, and I'll let them out, but I've still got my gun. Anybody comes near me, I'll start shooting."
The fucker had an AR-15 and the corridor was narrow; if he started blasting, they'd all be fucked.
"I understand that, Mickey," she said. "No one is gonna come after you. Just open the door."
Silence again, for a moment, and then the door eased open just a crack.
"I wanna see you," Mickey said. "I wanna see you and I wanna see your hands. No gun."
Olivia had been expecting that; she passed her weapon off to Amanda who took it wide-eyed but steady, Amanda's faith in her and the thought of Amanda's own daughters giving Olivia the strength to move slowly. She raised her hands over her head, and stepped in front of the door, let Mickey see her face through the gap.
"Right here, Mickey," she said, her heart pounding in her chest.
One by one Mickey let the hostages go, watching Olivia through bloodshot eyes. One by one the people in that room darted out, the ESU officers making a gap in the shields to let them pass. One by one, until the last hostage appeared, until it was Natalie walking out of that room with tears on her cheeks.
"Mom," she said, fearful, smart enough not to call Olivia by her name and raise Mickey's suspicions, but shaking all over. What Olivia wanted more than anything in that moment was to wrap her arms around Nat, to hold her close and then run from the building with her, but the job wasn't done yet, and Mickey was still watching.
"It's gonna be ok, baby," she said, never taking her eyes off Mickey. "It's gonna be ok but I need you safe. Go with her, Amanda."
"Liv-" Amanda started to protest, uneasy at the thought of leaving Olivia alone with Mickey.
"Take her," Olivia barked.
So Amanda did, caught Natalie by the bicep and dragged her way, the pair of them disappearing behind the wall of shields.
"Ok, Mickey," Olivia started to say, "it's just you and - NO!"
It all happened so fast. As Olivia stepped forward, intent on going into that room and talking with Mickey, he raised his gun, trying to get it pointed at himself, but the weapon was too long, too unwieldy for him to get a good angle, and he fumbled with it, struggled just long enough for Olivia to fling herself through the doorway like a cannonball, crashing into his chest and sending the gun skidding away. It was a monumentally stupid thing to do; every squeeze on that trigger would send another bullet flying and up that close the vest wouldn't do shit, and it only covered her core, anyway, wouldn't protect the lower part of her belly or her arms or her legs or her head, but she'd done it, just the same, acted on instinct. Maybe Mickey's life wasn't worth much, and maybe someone else would say it wasn't worth her own, but she didn't want to see this man die today. He was scared, and hurting, and he had kids of his own, and Olivia had seen too much bloodshed already.
She pinned him beneath her, her hands trapping his wrists against the floor while he went limp, sobbing, and the ESU boys rushed her, and her heart pounded so hard it was a wonder it didn't burst straight out of her chest.
Shit, she thought faintly.
The sound of the Olivia's voice crying out made her blood run cold, and she wheeled around, the blonde cop's grip on her arm slipping as she raced back down the corridor. The cops there had given up on their blockade, were instead rushing through the door to help Olivia, and Nat didn't know what had happened, she couldn't see, she didn't know if Olivia was -
"Son of a bitch," she heard Olivia say, and relief flooded through her, sharp and fast.
They must have taken the guy down; all those bodies disappeared into the room, and a few heartbeats later Olivia was walking out, straight backed but limping just a little, favoring her ankle like it pained her. There was something righteous, something almost holy about her, about the calm that had settled over her, about the clear light shining in her dark eyes; Natalie had never been so scared in her entire goddamn life, but Olivia had come, had appeared in that doorway like some kind of guardian angel, had saved not just Nat's life but the lives of her friends. Natalie had seen this woman weeping on her sofa, had seen her holding Nat's own baby in gentle arms, had seen her soft and sad and a little lonesome, but she had not ever seen Olivia like this, strong, and powerful, untouchable, a fucking soldier, walking slowly towards her home.
"You did good, Captain," Nat heard one of the officers say.
Olivia looked back towards the room, nodded once as if in acknowledgement, and then she was walking away from that door, walking towards Nat, with all the exhausted strength of a boxer who'd just won a bout. She didn't stop, when she drew level with Nat, just rested a hand on her shoulder, guiding her gently away.
"Come on, sweetheart," Olivia said.
The three of them went down the corridor together, Olivia and Nat and the blonde lady, moved in silence down the stairs, stepped out into the sunshine and a sea of milling police officers. Natalie had never been so happy to see a bunch of cops in her life as she was in that moment.
"We're gonna have to stay here for a little while," Olivia said gently, leading Natalie off to the side. "They're gonna want to take your statement. How are you feeling? EMTs can check you out."
"I'm fine," Nat said. She wanted to ask how Olivia was doing, but then one of the cops came rushing up to them.
"What the hell happened up there?" he demanded.
"I talked to the guy. I got him to let the hostages go. He tried to kill himself but I disarmed him. ESU guys have him now, they'll bring him out in a sec."
"Jesus," the guy muttered. "Stay put, I'll be back."
He marched off again, and Olivia sighed, leaned back against the building, but close enough that Nat could still feel the warmth of her against her side. The blonde lady was rocking back and forth on her heels, looking from Olivia to Nat and back again, and Olivia must have noticed it, because she gave her head a little shake, and then spoke.
"Nat," she said. "This is my friend, Amanda Rollins. She works SVU with me. Amanda, this is Nat. She's…"
"I'm her daughter-in-law," Nat said, holding out an unsteady hand for Amanda to shake.
"Right," Amanda said, but confusion was still swirling in her eyes, like she still didn't quite understand who Nat was or how they'd all come to be here.
A big black SUV came squealing up past the police cordon, beached itself on the sidewalk and had no sooner come to a stop than a man was bolting out of the driver's seat, calling out sharply, Liv! The man was tall and broad shouldered, bald and heavy with muscle, and his expression was tortured as he raced towards them, his eyes fixed on Olivia, who had straightened up at the sound of her name. The man was a stranger to Natalie, but she knew his face. She'd seen it before, in some of those old news articles Gabi had shown her, and she heard his name echoing in her mind even before Olivia spoke.
"Elliot," Olivia said, and the man didn't break his stride, just crashed into her, one of his hands snaking through her hair to cradle the back of her head, the other wrapping tight around her waist, crushing her against him while Olivia held on to him tight, her hands fisted in the back of his jacket.
"You scared me," Elliot said. "Jesus, you scared me."
"I'm ok," Olivia answered shakily, and then they went quiet, holding on to one another.
Amanda turned away from them as if to give them privacy, her bottom lip caught between her teeth, an expression on her face Nat couldn't name. For her part though, Nat just stared at them, shaken and feeling strangely as if she had left her own body behind, as if she were floating in the air above it all, watching. When she'd first seen his face, first heard his story, she hadn't trusted the idea of this Elliot, and she'd trusted him less after the incident with Gabi, after Olivia had turned up at their door and told the whole sorry tale. She hadn't wanted to trust a cop with a history of violence, and she hadn't wanted to like a man who'd hurt Olivia so deeply, and she really hadn't approved of the kind of man who could fall in love with Olivia while he was married to someone else. But watching them now, watching the way he had come running to her side, the desperate way he clung to her, the palpable need, the love the bound them so tightly to one another, she couldn't help but wonder if maybe she'd been wrong. Life was rarely simple, she knew, and no one was perfect, and this man had come for Olivia just as Olivia had come for Nat, had come to save her, to hold her together, to love her, and for that Nat could forgive him his sins. For the sake of the way he loved Olivia, she could be grateful to see him now.
But shit looking at them just made her want to talk to Gabi, and so she stepped away and fished her phone out of her pocket, thinking longing thoughts of her wife.
