Chapter 12: The Weight of Worry
Finn stumbles down the stairs late Saturday morning, hoping his mom or Burt made a hot breakfast. French Toast sounds really good right now. He scratches his stomach and yawns. He's sore from the good workout he'd gotten the night before. Scott's a cool guy.
"You got in late last night." Kurt is sitting on the couch, flipping through a magazine. "Long talk with Rachel?"
He pauses, debating how to answer. It's not his place to tell him Rachel's darkest secret. On the other hand, he's her brother. Shouldn't he know? Finn brushes this off. No. If he finds out, it won't be from Finn. It's up to Rachel to tell him. They should talk soon, too. Kurt's been pretty mopey since Thursday. He realizes he hasn't answered Kurt yet when the boy looks up at him with an expectant look.
"Yeah. It was a long talk. Then Scott took me to his gym and we worked out."
Kurt puts the magazine down and turns to face him more fully. "Why?"
He shrugs awkwardly. "I was upset. Scott let me work out to get it out of my system."
He starts to walk to the kitchen, but Kurt calls him back. "Wait! What…..uh, what was so upsetting?"
It's not his place to say. And he's hungry. He sighs in annoyance. "Dude, I'm hungry. I just got up. Lemme eat."
Kurt snorts and follows him to the kitchen. Finn frowns at the lack of carbs. No leftover French Toast, pancakes, or waffles. He debates whether he feels like making some from scratch or not. Might as well. He grabs the ingredients and starts mixing them. His stepbrother sits at the table.
"What upset you?" The persistent boy tries again.
Finn glowers at the bowl and keeps mixing. "The talk."
"Did she tell you the same thing? That you don't know suffering?"
"No. She felt bad for saying that, dude. You should talk to her. She knows we're scared, too. I think she just got, like, caught up in her own emotions and wasn't thinking about how to phrase what she meant better. You know?"
Finn looks at the ground cinnamon. How much is needed? With a mental shrug, he shakes the spice bottle until the egg mixture in the bowl turns brown. Kurt is tapping his fingers on the tabletop.
"I know. And I'll talk to her later today. Sooo…..what did upset you?"
Finn glances at him. "Why do you wanna know so badly?"
"Because I care about both of you! We're a family. A kind of weird family, but that's not the point. What upset you and is Rachel upset, too?"
"Yeah, you care and all, but how much of this is just because you don't like not knowing what's going on? You're a huge gossip, dude."
Kurt groans. "That's not what matters. I want to make sure you're both okay."
"Yeah, we're good. We talked and cried and I got her to tell her mom what was going on and then Scott took me to work out and Rach has an emergency session with Renee today, so we're good. But you should still go talk to her today."
When he doesn't get a response, he turns to look at his stepbrother. Kurt looks like he's thinking really hard. His brow is furrowed in concentration and his eyes are unfocused. Finn flips the toast over and, seeing that it's done, puts it on a plate. He turns off the burner, grabs the syrup, and sits down. Kurt abruptly stands.
"I've gotta go."
"Where?"
Kurt doesn't answer, he just hurries out of the room. Finn shrugs and takes his first bite of his French Toast. And promptly coughs. He may have gone a little overboard with the cinnamon.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Kurt is sitting in his car in their driveway when they get home. He gets out and follows them into the house. He doesn't speak and he has an odd look on his face. Rachel worries that he's still angry with her. He grabs her hand without a word, leads her up to her room, and pulls her into a firm embrace. She hugs him back, content to stay like that as long as he needs and relieved that he doesn't seem angry any more. It takes a few minutes for him to release her.
"I'm so—"
He slaps a hand over her mouth, cutting off her apology. More confused than ever, she watches him warily. He steps away and paces. Yero steps into the room and watches him, too. The golden retriever leans against Rachel's leg so she reaches down to pet him while keeping an eye on her brother. After a while, he stops pacing and plops on her bed wearily.
"I think I get why you were silent for a few days. I have so much I want to say to you, but I don't actually know what words to say."
"It's annoying, isn't it?" He looks at her oddly, so she elaborates. "For us two who have good vocabularies, talk a lot, and usually have no problem expressing ourselves, to not be able to verbalize how we're feeling."
He nods slowly. "Yeah."
She carefully sits next to him. "For me, once I had one word that I could focus on, I was able to organize my thoughts better."
Kurt takes her hand. "What was your one word?"
"Afraid."
He swallows and squeezes her hand. "I think that's my word, too. Afraid. I'm afraid, Rachel."
She nods. "I know you are. Really. And I'm really sorry for seeming like I was brushing off your fear and suffering the other day. I was wrong to say you don't know suffering. I know you do. I was just so focused on myself and how I'm the only one with Danton's, and thinking about everything I'm going to have to go through again, that I failed to understand that everyone else's suffering matters just as much. And that while your fear is a little different than mine, it goes just as deep. Emotions are emotions and I need to stop putting them on a scale and comparing them."
For her, this conversation reaffirms why it is so important for her to stop being selfish. Other people are scared and hurting, too. She needs to put them first. Kurt stares down at the floor.
"I get it. I understood it then, too, I was just too angry to have a calm conversation."
"I deserved it, Kurt."
She can't read the look on his face and she doesn't like his tone when he speaks. "Did you? Or did it just hurt you more? Did me yelling that at you push you closer to the edge?"
Rachel frowns, not understanding. "The edge? I cried, but I wasn't even crying as hard as you were."
He gives her a hard look. "I talked to Finn." Her stomach sinks. Kurt sees the look on her face and shakes his head. "Don't be mad at him. He didn't actually tell me anything. Something Santana said, combined with something vague Finn said made me think….." He trails off, his eyes searching hers.
"What?"
"Finn said Scott let him work out at his gym last night because he was upset." Rachel nods. "And that you had an emergency session with Renee today."
She twists the hem of her shirt. "Yeah. Mom wanted me to. And I didn't mind. I didn't feel it was necessary, but—"
But she understood why her mother insisted. Kurt doesn't need to know that. He doesn't need the extra stress and worry.
"I was talking to Santana at school yesterday. She said that after your father died and she pointed out that he's at peace, you responded 'lucky him'."
Rachel stares at him with a neutral expression. Was that really all it took for her brother to figure out her darkest secret? Maybe not. No point revealing her hand.
"He was lucky. He had a quick, painless death and now he's at peace. That's all anyone can wish for, right? For themselves and for their loved ones."
His expression changes and she bites her lip. She probably should have worded that a little differently.
"Tink, I'm not stupid. I know you. I wasn't exaggerating when I said you're the strongest person I know. But you also flip flop between being selfless and selfish. Like how your comment to me on Thursday was self-centered. Then there are times when you put others first, going out of your way for them, even to your own detriment. Like when you saved Oliver. So when Finn told me about your appointment with Renee after an upsetting conversation, and I connected it to what you said to Santana after your father died, then thought about how you've been acting lately, I realized there were two possibilities." He swallows hard and takes her hand again. "One possibility is you said something really stupid and selfish like wanting to give up and die because you don't want to suffer. The other possibility is that you said something stupidly selfless like wanting it to end quickly because you don't want us to suffer. So, which was it?"
Damn he's good. "The latter. Actually, it was sort of a mix of both. But first of all, let me be very clear. I do not want to die. I'm not suicidal. Even Renee agreed with that." Kurt's tense shoulders ease. "Second, Finn already made it very, very clear that I was thinking about it all wrong. And third, even if he hadn't made it clear, my mom did."
"Good. So, when I yelled at you…."
"You were absolutely correct and justified to say it. I was upset and confused at first, but not anymore."
"So I didn't—"
Rachel rolls her eyes. "No, Pan, you didn't 'push me' closer to any edge or anything. I'm not suicidal, remember?"
He hugs her tight. "Okay, good. I was already afraid for you. Then, this morning, I was even more afraid. I can't lose you, Tink."
She squeezes him tight. "I know. I can't lose you, either. Don't worry, I promise to fight no matter how hard it gets. I was stupid for thinking it'd be easier for you all if I just…died quickly."
Kurt sits up and nods fiercely. "Very stupid."
"Like I said, my mom and Finn helped me understand that. Then, today, Renee had me think about you."
"Me?"
She smiles at him. "You're my brother, Kurt. My platonic other half. I love you. And, now, you've known me longer than anyone else in this world." A slightly awed look crosses his face. "So Renee had me imagine a world where our positions were reversed."
"If I were sick? Why?"
She sighs. "To put myself in your shoes, see this from your perspective. Thinking like that, I realized that while I obviously wouldn't want you to be in pain, I'd do whatever I could to comfort you and make it easier on you. It'd be stressful, but I'd much rather carry that stress and worry and do whatever I could to help you than lose you."
Kurt's eyes fill with tears, but he smiles. "And the gold star goes to Miss Rachel Berry. You got it. That's how I feel. How we all feel. We'll do whatever we can to help you feel better. I promise. We just want you around. I need you around."
Rachel leans in and hugs him again. "I get it, Kurt. I promise. But," she leans back to look him in the eye, "I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Finn. First, this stays between us. No one else needs to know." After Kurt nods his agreement, she goes on. "Second, you might have to put up with me being a selfish bitch when I get really upset about stuff. You can call me out on it, but try not to get too mad at me for it."
Kurt laughs. "You've got it."
They spend the rest of the day on lighter topics. Eventually, they make their way downstairs and include her mom in a conversation on possible songs for Regionals. They end up in the basement playing the piano and singing together. It's a fun afternoon. Listening to her mother and brother sing together makes her smile. Things are going to suck for a while and they're going to suck a lot worse than she'd first imagined. She's still angry and bitter about it. She's still upset. She still doesn't want to face this. And she's even more scared now than she was when she first relapsed. But now that she has had time to let her emotions settle and really talk them out, she's calmer. Being able to voice her darkest fears and hear people's reactions helped her not only feel calmer, but understand that her real fear was losing her loved ones. She understands now that not only is that unlikely, but she has enough people around who love her that she'll never be alone. Rachel thinks back to Sue's point about how she got a break and how she has plenty of people around to hold on to her, and put her back together. She broke, completely, when she realized she had Danton's again. But she has loved ones who are her gold and they put her back together again. They're holding her together. Maybe she needs another change of perspective. She told her mom she's afraid of the AA room because she knows what's inside it and she knows how bad it can get. But knowledge is power, right? Forewarned is forearmed. Since she knows what to expect, she can prepare for it better.
Something clicks. The first round of AA was her dress rehearsal. She was learning her lines and cues and learning the roles of her costars. Now, she has it all memorized. She has rehearsed. She is prepared. And she trusts her costars to play their parts well and support her. She may not have any control over how the show goes, but she does have control over its tone. In acting, you have scripted lines. But how you say the lines makes all the difference. You can repeat the same line and achieve different emotions. Do you make the character sound scared? Angry? Defeated? Annoyed? Happy? Confused? Excited? It's all in how the actor chooses to portray their character. Rachel wants her character to be strong, confident, and brave. Optimistic. Maybe even motivating. So, she'll do her best to achieve that. The curtain's up and the show has begun. And Rachel Berry is determined to be a star.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Scott steps softly, avoiding the creaky floorboard. He leans against Rachel's doorframe and looks in. Shelby is sitting on Rachel's desk chair, watching her daughter sleep. Moonlight reflects off of the tear tracks on her face, making them glimmer in the dark room. She's leaning on Rachel's desk and resting her chin on her hand. Even from here, Scott can see a tear slipping down her chin, over her hand, and down her arm. Last night was hard. Shelby slept with Rachel. Scott slept alone, but he kept waking up to check on them. His girls. He feels useless. He loves them, but he's not Rachel's parent and he's not sure they're close enough for him to be able to really say anything. He's hoping his mere presence is enough. He'd like to stay, but if they need him to leave so that Shelby can talk to Rachel privately, he will. He wouldn't be happy, but he'd understand. He steps into the room and places a hand on Shelby's shoulder. She shifts, placing a hand over his. Her eyes stay on Rachel's sleeping form.
"You okay?" He whispers softly.
"No. I missed it, Scott. My little girl was contemplating suicide, to make me less stressed, and I didn't notice the signs."
"She was considering it, but she wasn't planning anything. Renee said it was less about wanting to die and more about her worrying too much about everyone else. There probably weren't any signs."
"She was silent. Even Burt said that was unusual for her. Being quiet and not talking about what's upsetting her is normal. But being completely silent? For days on end? Renee said to give her time, she didn't say to give her space. I should have made her come downstairs and be closer to me. Or I should have sat in her room with her. Just so she'd know she wasn't alone."
"She knew she wasn't alone."
"I know she knows she has people to support her. Worse than her thinking that she was alone, she was thinking about how much stress and worry having Danton's would put on those people."
"Shel, you can't blame yourself for her thoughts. And I really don't think there were signs. Being silent was worrying, but she was dealt several major blows in a short period of time. It wasn't unreasonable for her to shut down for a while."
"But she was worried about me, Scott. She was worried about how much stress and worry this would put on me and the others. I know she doesn't want to face this and doesn't want to deal with attacks. But the tipping point for her was not wanting the people she loves to suffer while watching her fight for her life. She was so worried this stress would give me a heart attack."
"Isn't it still on her for not voicing her worries to you sooner?"
Shelby wipes her cheeks with her hands. "Maybe. But I'm the parent. I should have realized—"
"Shel, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. I swear, the two of you are so much alike. You're both putting too much stress and worry on yourselves, and it's mostly about each other." He sighs and rubs the back of his head. "Maybe you two need, like, a spa day or something. Maybe a short trip, just the two of you. A mother-daughter bonding day. You're both so worried about the other that I think taking the time to both talk it out more and relax together will make you both feel better."
She smiles up at him softly. "That's a wonderful idea. I'll think up some options and discuss it with her soon."
He takes her hand and pulls her up. She hesitates, so he stops. He won't force her to leave Rachel's room. "In the meantime, you need to sleep. Either slide into bed with her again tonight, or come to bed with me. But don't spend the night sitting here staring at her. If she sees you really tired tomorrow, she's going to feel guilty."
Shelby nods. "You're right. And I know she's not actually suicidal. I feel better after talking it over with Renee and having her confirm that. What Rachel was really considering was basically euthanasia. She's not at high risk for killing herself, I don't need to hide sharp objects or lock up pills or anything. I just need to watch her a little closer, listen a little better, and talk to her a little more. That way if those thoughts start creeping in again, she'll come to me next time. Or maybe I'll notice something and talk to her about it."
Scott sighs again. It worries him that she seems to be blaming herself for this. "Shel, you know why she didn't tell you the first time."
She nods. "I know. And I believed her when she promised she'll come to me if she starts thinking that way again. But I can't not worry about it, Scott."
"Yeah, I understand." And he does. He just wishes he could do more to help them both be less stressed. He's relieved when she follows him out of the room and joins him in bed. While she sleeps in his arms, he wonders if there's anything he can say, to either of them, to help out.
XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX
Rachel really didn't want anyone else to know that she'd been thinking that a fast death would be better. Especially since she's already moved past that idea and is no longer thinking about it. Having anyone else know now would be embarrassing and unnecessary. Her mom sits her down and explains that she'll be telling some other adults.
"Who? And why?"
Her mom takes a breath. "I'll be telling Uncle Burt, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, and Sue. Sue sees you at school everyday and is someone you're comfortable with. If those thoughts return, I want you to be able to go to her and then call or text me. I think that'd be easier for you and you'd be more likely to actually do it if she already knows you've thought about it."
"But I'm not." Rachel argues, "I was never suicidal, I was considering euthanasia if I got worse. And I already swore I'm past that!"
"I know, honey, but…..for my peace of mind, I'll be informing Sue."
Rachel groans quietly. "She's going to lecture me again."
Her mom grins slightly, but doesn't respond to that. She goes on. "I'll be telling Uncle Burt because he's basically your dad and you spend a lot of time with him and he loves you. He needs to know."
"Fine. But the others? I don't spend as much time with them."
"True, but they're family. The more people who know, the more people you have available for you to talk to about anything. The more people you have to support you. They can support you better if they know everything."
Rachel twists the hem of her shirt. "But it'll worry them. The whole reason I thought of it at all was to reduce worry, not add to it!"
Her mom takes her hands, stopping her from stretching out her shirt. "You are the child. I don't care that you're seventeen. You're a child. My child. You are not to worry about the adults. Not me, not Uncle Burt, not your grandparents, not any of your aunts or uncles. We will worry about you, that's a given. It is not your responsibility to worry about us. We're adults. We can handle things better than a child can."
"My father couldn't."
Her mom's face sinks with understanding. "True. And I know that you had to worry about him for several years, but you don't have to worry about adults anymore. We are strong. None of us are alcoholics. I promise you, we will make healthier choices. We will take care of ourselves and each other. Let us take care of you. And if you do truly start to worry about someone, tell me. Let me know so that I can reassure you. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Honey, the last time you were sick I had to keep asking you why you didn't tell me when you were upset or not feeling well. It took a long time for you to be able to come to me of your own volition to talk about your worries or to tell me how you were feeling physically. I don't want to repeat that this time and I feel like it already has. I want you to come to me. You were worried about causing me stress and worry, but Rachel, I get more stressed and more worried when you don't come to me. Talk to me about anything, at any time. I want to know. I feel better when I know what's going on with you and how you're doing. Good things and bad things. I promise."
Rachel plays with her mom's fingers, looking down at her engagement ring. "I remember. Part of it was that I didn't know you well at first."
"Well that's not an issue anymore, right?" Her mom squeezes her hands and grins.
Rachel smiles back. "Right. And, um, my other reason was my fear that people would walk away if it was too hard for them. Everyone proved that they'd stay and be there for me, no matter how hard it got."
"Which is how your fear switched to being afraid of over worrying and over stressing them." Her mother concludes.
"Yeah."
"Honey, you don't need to worry about anyone but yourself. I promise."
Rachel nods. "Okay. I'll do my best."
Her mom kisses her cheek. "I know you will. Now, Scott had an idea. He suggested that we go on a short mother-daughter retreat." Rachel's eyes light up at the prospect. Her mom grins. "I found a spa in Columbus that sounds amazing. If you'd like, I can book us a hotel room right next to the spa and we can do a weekend retreat. We can book the services we want ahead of time. Have you ever had a mud bath before?"
"No, I haven't."
"Want to?"
Rachel smiles widely. "Please! That'd be awesome!"
"Alright, I'll make the arrangements. I wanted to discuss another possibility with you. About Fiyero."
"My dog?"
Her mom arches a brow. "Do you know another Fiyero?"
Rachel blushes slightly. "Not besides the character. What about him?"
"Since you're sick again, and it's Danton's, we can register him as a service animal."
"Really?"
"Really. It's not even hard to do. He's already trained to perform certain tasks for you. He can pick up dropped items, go grab certain items, turn on and off lights, he alerts us when you have an attack, and he provides comfort and interrupts your panic attacks. I'll fill out the registration form and he'll be sent a card proving he's a registered service dog. We can get him a special vest to wear in public so that you're allowed to take him with you to malls and stores and places like that." Her mom catches her frown. "What is it? You don't want him to be a service dog?"
"No, it's not that. He practically is already. It's just the idea of him wearing a service animal vest out in public. Everyone would know something's wrong with me."
"Honey, you're sick. You need extra help. That's not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. You don't have to have him wear the vest, but I'd prefer it."
"Why?"
"Well, for starters, he won't be allowed in many public places without a vest signifying that he's a service animal. And as long as you have Danton's, if you're out and about, I want Fiyero to be with you. He can sense your attacks, warn you, and bark for help to alert others. But mostly, if he needs to walk away from you to get help and he walks up to strangers, if he's not wearing a vest people might just think he's a lost dog. With the service dog vest, most people would know to follow him to his owner. It's common knowledge that if a service animal comes up to you alone, it's usually because their owner needs help and they will lead you to them. I want Yero to be able to do that for you."
Rachel nods. "That makes sense. Even if I highly doubt you or anyone else will actually let me go anywhere alone anymore."
Her mom gives her a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry, baby girl."
Something suddenly occurs to her. "I can't drive anymore!"
Rachel slumps on the couch in a disgruntled manner. Her mom pats her leg. "Nope. Not until you're in remission again. Sorry, honey. It's just not safe."
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Rachel finally pulls out her phone and reads the messages from her friends. Feeling guilty for ignoring and worrying them, she forces herself to respond to each one individually. Some, like Brittany and Tina, were understanding and easily forgave her. Others, like Santana, responded with "tough love". Those friends told her they love her but she was a hypocrite for giving that speech about them being her gold but then not letting them support her. She apologized sincerely and promised to do better. Eventually, they all accepted and offered condolences for her having to go through Danton's again. They also reaffirmed their support.
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Scott is biting his lip. Her mom went out to do a quick grocery run, leaving them home to watch a movie. But Scott keeps glancing at her, clearly wanting to talk about something. She pauses the DVD.
"Is something wrong, Scott?"
"No, nothing's wrong. I just had a thought, but I wasn't sure if it was my place to say anything." He admits.
"Well, you're engaged to my mom. You'll be my stepdad soon enough. And I'm happy to listen."
He smiles. "I know you're worried about your mom getting too stressed by everything. But it seems like you either forgot or didn't trust what I said."
Rachel thinks back. "About how I should let Mom support me and you'll support her?"
"Right. I meant it, Rach. She's a strong woman on her own. And I'm here for both of you, every step of the way. I'll keep a close eye on her to make sure she doesn't get too stressed out or worried. That way, you don't have to. She'll be my primary concern, you'll remain her primary concern, and you can focus on worrying about yourself."
"I believe you, Scott. It's just hard to not worry."
"I get it. That's why I'm reminding you."
She smiles warmly at him. "Thanks. It does help to know she's not alone as much this time. Not that she was alone before, but you know what I mean."
"I do."
"I'm going to do my best to go back to being positive and optimistic. I think that'll help Mom be less worried, too. If I'm calm and handling it well, she won't be so stressed, right?"
"Right. But don't fake it." He reads the look on her face and grins. "Yeah, I figured there was a chance you'd be faking. First off, your Mom knows you really well. Chances are she'd see right through your act. Second, you don't have to fake it. There's a trick to being positive and calm like you want to be. When I was deployed, I fought alongside a lot of other soldiers in my unit. They fought hard and were good men. I trusted them with my life and they trusted me with theirs. Combat is stressful, so when we weren't fighting, we needed a way to stay upbeat."
Rachel is listening with rapt attention. He's only talked about his experience as a soldier a few times with her.
"During combat and on missions, we'd be focused and serious. It was our job and our lives were on the line. But when we were off duty, we'd live our best lives. Both when deployed and when we were on leave, we'd do our best to live our best lives. Whenever possible, and however possible, we'd do things we enjoyed. Things that made us happy. We goofed off, played games, took trips, traveled, spent time with friends and family, and more. We knew that once we were on the job, we'd need to be strong and focused. The best way to ensure that was to enjoy our lives outside of it. It was also a way to remind us of what we were fighting for. You like metaphors, right?"
She nods. Anyone who has spent any length of time with her knows this. "Yeah. I just thought of one yesterday about how I'm an actress. The last round was a rehearsal, this one is the show."
He laughs. "Yeah, that make sense for you. Well, in my metaphor, you're a soldier. You were drafted and enlisted against your will, but a solider nonetheless. You were deployed into a combat zone; diagnosed with Danton's aplastic anemia. You fought battles; attacks and symptoms. Some were minor skirmishes. Some were intense, fight for your life battles. Then you went on leave for five months. You had those months to rest, build up your strength, and live your life. Then you were unwillingly deployed again. You're going to have more battles in the future. So, just like my buddies and I did, when you're not in combat or on a mission, you should live your best life."
"Live my best life." She reiterates.
"Yeah. Do things that make you happy. Have fun. Spend time with your friends and family. Go on trips. Sing. Dance. Then, when you're 'on the job', focus on getting through it. When it passes, go back to living your best life. For us, it helped us stay calm, kept us feeling positive, and it prevented us from becoming too stressed. If we got too stressed, we wouldn't do as good a job in combat. We'd miss things. Screw up. Living our best lives kept us happy and motivated."
"Mom did just ask me to write a list of things I want to do."
"See? She had the same idea, just probably worded differently. Have you started it yet?"
"Not yet. But I'll start writing it soon."
"Good. Just make sure it's all stuff that'll be fun and either stress-free, low stress, or at least have positive stress."
"Positive stress?" Rachel scrunches up her nose.
"There are two types of stress; positive and negative. Negative stress is what most people think of when they think about stress. It's harmful. Worrying about a loved one. Worrying about a job. Losing a job. Paying bills. Facing a serious illness. Feeling unsafe. Fighting with someone. It can make you feel tense, shaky, anxious, exhausted, or nauseous. It can interfere with your sleep and eating habits. Positive stress is good for you in small amounts. It can heighten your senses, increase your energy levels, or make you feel excited. Most people find it motivating and it helps them perform better. That's like the stress you feel when you're preparing for a performance and before and during competitions. Expecting a baby. Preparing for holidays or a big vacation."
"Or planning a wedding?"
He laughs. "Right. That should be positive stress, but I've heard of some people worrying too much about it and they get upset and freak out. Then it becomes negative stress. So, if something on your list is taking a trip or jumping out of a plane, those will probably cause some positive stress and that's fine."
Rachel starts laughing. "Can you imagine Mom letting me parachute out of a plane?"
He joins her laughter. "No, but you understand my example, right?"
"I do, yes. It makes sense. I will do my best to live my best life."
"Good. And if there's anything I can do to help, just let me know kiddo."
She gives him a quick hug. "Thanks, Scott."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rachel returned to school on Monday. When Finn saw her, he gave a lopsided grin. She recalls what he'd said about feeling better when he sees her at school and grins back. Her grin widens as she watches him practically plow into that Julie girl, not even sparing her a glance on his way to get to Rachel.
"Good morning, beautiful."
She kisses him. "Good morning, handsome."
"Ugh, shut up already." Santana groans while walking past.
Brittany pauses next to them and gives Rachel a hug hello. "Ignore her. She didn't get enough sleep last night, overslept this morning, didn't have time for breakfast, and didn't even get any coffee. She's miserable."
Knowing how much her Latina friend loves her sleep, coffee, and bacon, Rachel feels bad for her plight. That doesn't stop her from laughing about it, of course. Santana hears her and glares over her shoulder. Brittany lightly slaps Rachel's shoulder.
"Be nice! She's having a rough morning!"
"You just told me to ignore her!"
"Ignore, not laugh at."
Rachel swallows down her amusement. "You're right, I'm sorry."
"Why didn't she get breakfast from the cafeteria here?" Finn asks.
"Their breakfast food sucks."
"Yeah, but they have chocolate muffins. The pre-wrapped ones. They're good."
Trust Finn to know where to find food. Brittany's eyes light up and she thanks Finn. The couple laughs as she dashes off to catch up with her girlfriend to inform her of the good news. Their laughter increases when Santana promptly makes a u-turn and speed walks in the direction of the cafeteria. Rachel catches sight of Sue Sylvester storming towards her and her amusement vanishes. Shit. She knows. Finn frowns at her sudden silence before following her gaze to the irate cheerleading coach. Her boyfriend spins to face her.
"I love you. I would go to the ends of the earth for you. I'd climb the tallest mountain, swim to the bottom of the deepest ocean, and walk through fire for you. But I am not facing an angry Sue Sylvester for you. You're on your own, babe."
He kisses her cheek and vanishes around a corner just as Sue gets to her. Her thoughts of revenge are interrupted by Sue grabbing her arm and unceremoniously dragging her through the halls. They make it to her office and the woman practically throws Rachel towards her chair. Sue breathes out through her nose hard, sounding like a dragon.
"Explain." The word is growled.
Her mouth suddenly dry, Rachel stammers out "A momentary lapse in judgement caused by too many emotional blows in a short time."
Sue turns away and crosses her arms. Rachel waits silently, afraid to say more.
"I understand that you were in distress. You did have three massive blows in a row. You found out you relapsed. You panicked and didn't want to face it. I straightened you out and you managed to pick yourself up in an impressively short amount of time, doing a complete 180 and choosing optimism. About a week later your father dies suddenly and it hurts you more and pushes your stress level higher." Her voice softens a little. "Then, weeks later, you find out you have Danton's; a much more painful version of the illness. But that pushed you to consider suicide? I never pegged you for a coward and a fool."
"Not suicide. Euthanasia." Sue raises an unimpressed brow, so Rachel presses on, determined to make her case. "I was thinking about what to do if things got worse, with no sign of them getting better. Would I really want to put my loved ones through that again? I don't want to go through it again. And I really don't want anyone else to, either. So, I very briefly thought that a fast, sudden death would be better for everyone. Less stressful." Sue opens her mouth, so Rachel rushes to finish, talking faster now. "It has already been made very clear to me how stupid I was and I already nixed that idea completely. I already promised that I understand they'd rather I stay and fight through it, so I will. No matter how hard it gets."
Sue closes her mouth and bows her head, thinking hard. "Last time, things got worse with no sign of them getting better. But then they did."
"And think about what we all went through! I don't want that again. Not for anyone. But they helped me understand that it was worth the stress. I swear, I'm not thinking about it anymore. I'm back to focusing on staying optimistic. Scott talked to me about living my best life and that's what I'm going to try to do." Rachel's voice drops. She's tired of explaining this and regretting saying anything at all to Finn. "It was never about wanting to die. It was about finding the least stressful way out with the least suffering for everyone. I briefly thought euthanasia was it, but I was wrong."
Sue sits behind her desk and steeples her fingers. "You looked for the easy way out like a coward."
Frustrated and insulted, Rachel lets her shoulders slump. "What you see as cowardice I see as me being scared, tired, and desperate."
Sue shrugs dismissively. "Weak."
"I'm not weak." Rachel forces out between gritted teeth.
"A weak, pathetic coward. Unable to stand on her own two feet. Wanting a quick, easy out so she doesn't have to face any hardship."
"I'm not—"
"Like your father."
Rachel flinches, the accusation hitting too close to home to brush off. Tears of hurt and fury fill her eyes. Heat flushes her cheeks and she jerks to her feet, a furious scowl on her face. She opens her mouth to argue, but Sue cuts her off.
"I don't know why I bothered telling you about Kintsugi. Clearly, you have too many broken pieces to be able to be repaired. Your friends won't be able to hold them all together. Might as well sweep the pieces into the trash, like you planned to do with your life. I should have known you just couldn't handle it. Pathetic."
Pathetic. It was one of her father's more frequent insults when he was drunk. And Sue knows this. Everything comes rushing at her all at once; her Daddy dying, her father becoming an alcoholic, the abuse, the loneliness, the fear, the grief, the heartbreak, her first diagnosis, her attacks, her battle with AA, all the suffering, the brief respite, the relapse, her father dying, finding out she had Danton's, her subsequent breakdown, her struggle to pull herself back up, and now this. Having Sue, of all people, calling her pathetic.
"SHUT UP!" Rachel is at Sue's desk in just a few steps. She swipes her left hand across the desk, knocking things off of it. With her right hand, she grabs the small lamp and smashes it down on the desktop repeatedly until it breaks. The metal frame cracks in several places and the lightbulb shatters. Rachel drops it and glares at Sue. "I am not pathetic. I am not a coward. I am not weak. And I am not like my father. I am a scared shitless seventeen year old girl! I am tired of wave after wave of hardships crashing down on me. I have used every ounce of my strength and determination to keep my shoulders back and head up and face every damn wave as it hits me. But even rock eventually erodes. I can only handle so much! So, yes! When I realized I'd have to suffer through attacks again, I shattered. Yes, I wanted a quick, painless escape! But what I wanted more than that was for the people I love, the people who have been holding me up all this time, to not have to suffer through it again. I want to live! I want to go to NYADA with Kurt! I want to star on Broadway! I want to marry Finn and have kids! I want to write songs with Blaine and dance with Brittany and sing with Santana! I want to spend holidays with Finn, our kids, my Mom, Scott, Dad, Carole, and Kurt and Blaine and their kids! I want to watch my loved ones grow up and grow old and live happy lives! I want to be a part of their lives. And I was wiling to give that all up so that none of them would have to suffer through watching me slowly die a painful death again! Would I benefit, too, by not having to actually go through that pain and suffering? Yes, of course! And it was a relief to think about that. But it never meant I don't want to live! And thinking that doesn't make me weak or a coward or pathetic. It makes me human."
Rachel steps back from the desk, her face crumbling and tears flowing freely. "I don't want to go through this again. I don't want the people I love to go through this again. But that doesn't mean I can't and it doesn't mean I won't. I am going to fight this and I am going to get the future I dream of and I'm going to live my best life. With or without your support. I have plenty of others willing to rally around me and I know I can count on them. I am going to break down again. I am going to panic and freak out again. And I am going to get up again and keep going."
Sue Sylvester is leaning back in her chair, her legs crossed and hands folded in her lap. Her eyes have an odd glint to them and Rachel can't determine if she's smirking or scowling.
"So there is still fight in you. Good. I needed to be sure."
Rachel's jaw drops.
"Everyone has a fight or flight response. Your entire life, you've fought every challenge you've faced. I was worried that this last emotional blow was your breaking point. That you'd truly given up. I'm sorry for upsetting you, Rachel. But I needed to push you. I needed to trigger your fight or flight response to check where you were. I needed to know if you could still stand tall and fight."
"You're a bitch."
Sue laughs and stands, stepping carefully over the destruction Rachel had caused. The teenager doesn't feel an ounce of regret for it. Sue leads Rachel back to the chair and pulls another up next to her. She takes one of Rachel's hands and squeezes it.
"I really am sorry for upsetting you. You were right. You're not weak or a coward or pathetic. And you're nothing like your father."
Rachel drops her gaze, uncertain of that last part. Sue gently taps under her chin and she lifts her head.
"You are strong, brave, and compassionate. You are fierce. You overcome every obstacle in your way and this one will be no different. Your reaction to this last emotional blow didn't just worry me, Rachel. It scared me. The silence? Then talking about suicide or euthanasia or whatever you want to call it? I was scared for you. So I needed to push you to check your response. I'm proud of you."
"What would you have done if I'd reacted differently? If I'd crumbled or run away?"
Sue releases a deep sigh. "I would have caught you and hugged you. I would have reassured you that I didn't mean what I'd said. After that? I'd be working on helping you get strong again."
Rachel bites her lip, debating whether or not to hold on to her anger at the woman. It doesn't take long for her to drop her grudge. She's too tired for it, anyway. "So I'd only get a hug if I'd reacted poorly? I don't get a hug now, for making you proud?"
"Well you did destroy my office." She teases.
"You deserved it."
Sue barks out a laugh. "Fair enough."
She stands, pulling Rachel up as she goes. Once standing, she wraps her arms around Rachel. She sinks into her, relief and exhaustion making her feel lethargic.
"All that crying and yelling gave me a headache." She admits.
"Sorry. Why don't you start cleaning up this mess and I'll grab you some Tylenol."
Rachel pulls back and looks at her incredulously. "I'm not cleaning this up." Sue cocks a brow at being challenged. "Make Finn do it. He deserves a little revenge for ditching me when he saw how angry you were."
Sue snorts and grabs a bottle of Tylenol from a drawer. She hands it to Rachel and searches for her office phone. She finds it upside down on the floor, partially under her desk. She picks it up and calls Finn's teacher.
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A/N: Please review! Also, another song recommendation for this one: when she was talking to Sue I was listening to "Human" by Christina Perri. I was trying to find something similar, but more angry. This had a more desperate tinge to it than I was looking for, but I decided it works just as well. Or maybe I was just imagining Rachel singing it and thinking she'd put a desperate tinge to it. Maybe I'll even have her sing it at some point. If you know of a similar song that's a little angrier, let me know please! I frequently use music to help me connect to whatever emotion I'm trying to convey in my writing.
