XXV. MAGICAL *NARCISSISTIC* ME
After a lot of panicked-
"How do you lose three people?!"
"Well, we found you okay, so-"
"I found you! And that's only because I figured you'd probably be somewhere near Gringotts-!"
"-Touché."
"Maybe Harry went to Gringotts?-"
"And what about Alistair? He's a Muggle and he's never been to Diagon Alley before-he's probably-I dunno-in jail or something-!"
"They wouldn't have arrested him-"
"No offence, Molly, but you don't know my husband-just last week, he set the yard on fire doing one of his 'experiments'-our neighbours called the fire brigade-"
"The fire was purple, it was so cool-no, but seriously, he's a hazard-and Harry's psychopath bait and a walking life-insurance endorsement-"
"Psychopath bait, ha!"
"Voldemort, Quirrell, me, arguably the Dursleys-you have to admit, there's a pattern forming-"
-we all decided to quickly make our way to the steps outside of Gringotts in the hopes that Harry would eventually find his way there.
Mrs Weasley reasoned that Alistair was a grown man and would be fine-a fact Dakota and I very much disagreed with, but sure.
I mean, Alistair has all the magical knowledge of an eleven-year-old about to start their first year at Hogwarts, zero street-savvy, has never been to Diagon Alley before and doesn't know his way around at all, and spends his downtime trying to set his house on fire for "science!"-but no, I'm sure he'll be completely fine.
Dakota didn't appreciate me telling her that Alistair was dead and that we should move on and find someone new, but the twins laughed, so.
But, just as Gringotts came into view-
"Scotchy!"
Feeling my scar prickle and seeing Harry-and, for some reason, Hagrid and Hermione who were just randomly there with him-standing by the steps leading into the bank, I sprinted at him with the others not far behind.
"Jules-oof!"
Harry stumbled back a few steps.
"You-bloody-worried me!-" I exclaimed, one arm wrapped around him in a fierce hug and the other repeatedly hitting his.
"Not this again-would you quit-"
"No, I won't, because you got-lost-up-a-chimney! I thought you died or something!-with your bloody track record-"
"Why do you always hit me? Jewel, come on-"
With a last a little bit too hard to be playful punch on the shoulder, I finally let him go so I could give him a quick once over.
He had several times more soot on him than I did(some of which transferred when I hugged him), and was holding his glasses up to his face(from the looks of it, they'd snapped in the middle), but appeared relatively okay.
I released a sigh of relief.
"Thank Merlin you're alright, Skywalker."
Harry looked down, smiling and looking secretly pleased by how worried I was about him-something he isn't used to on Privet Drive.
-plus, you know, he'd spent weeks thinking I hated him for telling the Weasleys that we don't live together-
"Hey, Chewie, 'Mione-" I threw up a Vulcan salute with a tongue-in-teeth grin.
"Hullo, Jewel," Hagrid chuckled, the corners of his dark eyes crinkling.
"Hi, Jewel!" Hermione said brightly, startling me with a hug, "It's oh so wonderful to see you again-"
"Good to see you too, 'Mines-" I responded, patting her back and looking at Harry awkwardly over her shoulder.
He was biting back a grin, and I stuck out my tongue at his treachery.
"Harry," Mr Weasley panted as he and his youngest four sons finally reached us(did they stop for fajitas or something? Either I'm the Flash, or Mr Weasley seriously misunderstood the logistics behind the running man-). "We hoped you'd only gone one grate too far..." he mopped at his glistening bald spot, "Molly and Dakota are frantic-they're coming now-"
Hagrid looked at me in surprise when Mr Weasley said "Dakota".
"Where did you come out?" Ron asked.
"I was in a teashop," I added in, "and we still haven't found Alistair. We think he might be dead. Or arrested."
"Wait, you got lost up a chimney too," Harry said in disbelief, "and you're attacking me?"
"Hey, that's on you for not being found first," I retorted, holding up my hands in mock surrender.
"How is it-?"
"If you'd gotten to the others first, then I'd of had no reason to worry, and I wouldn't have attacked you-"
"So you attacking me is my fault?"
"Duh."
Harry opened his mouth, shut it, then gave up.
"Anyway-so, where'd you end up?" I continued, smirking, "the Death Star? Darth Vader's private bathroom on the Executor? Queen of Hearts croquet game?"
"Knockturn Alley," Hagrid said grimly.
"You mean that ridiculously sketchy-looking street off Diagon Alley?" I remarked with a snort, "that figures."
"Excellent," the twins chorused.
"We've never been allowed in," Ron added, looking envious.
"I should ruddy well think not," Hagrid growled.
At that moment, Dakota came rushing towards us with Mrs Weasley, the red-haired woman's bag swinging wildly in one hand while Ginny clung to the other.
"Harry, Baruch Hashem-! I swear you and Jewel are trying to give me a heart attack!"
"Oh, Harry-oh, my dear-you could have been anywhere-"
Dakota moved to hug Harry but, seeing all the soot covering him from head to toe, settled for a relieved smile(her undiagnosed OCD already went haywire when she realised I had soot all over me-and that I'd transferred it when she'd hugged me; luckily for her, Mrs Weasley has a clothes brush in her purse-the very same one she pulled from her bag as she gasped for breath and attacked Harry with).
Seeing the new soot on my clothes, Dakota borrowed the clothes brush from Mrs Weasley and started to brush it off as Mr Weasley took Harry's broken glasses, tapped them with his wand, and gave them back good as new.
Mrs Weasley was wringing Hagrid's hand.
"Knockturn Alley! If you hadn't found him, Hagrid!"
"I think you got it," I told Dakota dryly as she swept the soot off my clothes and used a handkerchief she'd pulled from her bag to wipe at my face, neck, and arms.
"When we get home, you're going to need a wash-" was all she said, pursing her lips.
Hermione looked startled.
Confused, she questioningly turned to Ron who just shook his head.
She frowned.
"I feel as if I need to remind you that bathing in bleach is bad for you," I deadpanned.
"I'm not going to bathe you in bleach," she distractedly retorted.
"I feel as if she's going to bathe me in bleach," I muttered to Harry and, watching Dakota fuss over me, all he could do was shrug. "I mean, your husband is missing-" I raised my voice, "that seems a bit more important than the soot-"
Dakota grimaced.
"Wow," I said.
"Oh, you know what I mean-" she huffed, still trying to clean the soot off me, "Molly's right, Alistair's a grown man, he can handle-"
"He. Set. The. Yard. On. Fire."
"Well-"
"Four times."
"'Four times?'" Ron and Harry echoed disbelievingly.
"Not including all the times he's set something on fire in the house-" I added.
"How is your house still standing?" Fred and George wondered seriously.
"I've been to the Burrow," I quipped dryly. "I don't think you're legally allowed to ask people that."
They shrugged fairly.
Suddenly, Hagrid smiled.
"Nah, I think Alistair's jus' fine."
He nodded his head in a way that made it look like he was gesturing his chin at something, but Dakota didn't seem to notice.
"No, Jewel's right-" she sighed as she returned the clothes brush to Mrs Weasley, looking worried-but still eyeing my clothes and fighting the temptation to keep compulsively scrubbing at them, "if we don't find him, lord knows what he'll get into-"
"No, I mean, far as I can see, he looks fine-" the wizard interrupted, pointing behind us, "I mean, not to say he hasn' gotten himself inter trouble, or anythin'-"
Everybody turned quickly in surprise to see Alistair walking towards us holding an armful of brochures and looking about in open fascination.
"There you guys are!" he said in relief, spotting us. "I figured you'd be around Gringotts based off what Jewel's told me, so I asked for directions, and just my luck it was the biggest most obvious building down the street-Hello, dear-"
"Oh, look at the state of you!"
Once again armed with the clothes brush, Dakota attempted to remove a few layers of Alistair's skin to get rid of all the soot coating him(he was somehow worse than me and Harry combined).
Alistair didn't even blink, letting his wife get on with it.
"Where'd you end up?" I asked. "I was in a teashop and Harry was in an alley of horrors, because of course he was."
Harry rolled his eyes, but the twins sniggered.
"Someplace called Globus Mundi Travel Agents-" he said brightly, holding up his brochures, "I got so many brochures!"
"We can see that," I agreed dryly.
"Yeah, it's a travel agency down someplace called Carkitt Market-" Alistair continued, "according to the bloke I asked for directions, it's near the entrance into Diagon Alley and that pub you said you had to go through to get here last year, the Leaky Cauldron-I just walked out of the market, turned right, and kept going until I saw the big white building towering over everything else-it's kind of ominous, isn't it?-"
He squinted up at the bank.
"Oh, hello again, Hagrid-" he said, catching sight of the wizard.
Hagrid looked amused.
"So, all three of yeh got yerselves lost, didja?"
"I prefer to think of it as they lost us-" I corrected.
"Yep, I like that better, too-" Alistair concurred, holding up his hand, "it's definitely on them. We're the innocent victims in all this-"
"Exactly! We should sue-"
"If only I'd landed in a lawyer's office instead of a travel agency..."
"Sounds less like negligence and more like they intended to lose us," I commented, "I mean, they tried to kill Harry-not that most people haven't-and they sent you to a travel agency, which is not at all subtle-"
Fred and George cackled.
"Bloody hell-"
"That's just perfect-"
"We didn't do it on purpose," Dakota said, exasperated.
"Suuure you didn't..." I replied slowly, giving her a mock suspicious look.
Cue eye-rolling.
"Well, gotta be off," Hagrid said. "See yer at Hogwarts!"
"Bye, Chewbacca!"
With last a warm smile in my direction, the gamekeeper strode away.
"Chewbacca-" Alistair chortled, "that's amazing-"
"I know, right?"
As we climbed the steps up to the goblin-run bank, Alistair and Dakota staring at the creature guarding the doors in astonishment, Harry turned to me, Ron and Hermione and said, "Guess who I saw in Borgin and Burkes?"
"Gargamel? Shredder? Space Kook? Cobra Commander-who is, let's be honest, a purple turban away from being Quirrell? Hordak? Piccolo? Megatron? Dr Claw?You just going to let me keep naming cartoon villains, or-"
"Malfoy and his father."
"So I was on the right track, then," I hummed, smirking.
Ron snorted a laugh, and Harry grinned at me.
"Did Lucius Malfoy buy anything?" Mr Weasley interrupted sharply from behind us.
"No, he was selling-"
"So he's worried," he said, sounding grimly satisfied. "Oh, I'd love to get Lucius Malfoy for something..."
"You be careful, Arthur," Mrs Weasley sharply warned as the goblin at the door bowed us in. "That family's trouble. Don't go biting off more than you can chew-"
Mr Weasley looked indignant.
"So you don't think I'm a match for Lucius Malfoy?"
The sight of Hermione's Muggle parents quickly distracted him.
They were standing at the counter that ran all along the hall, nervously waiting for Hermione to make introductions.
"But you're Muggles!" he exclaimed in delight. "We must have a drink! And Alistair and Dakota-they're Muggles, too-What's that you've got there? Oh, you're changing Muggle money. Molly, look!"
He excitedly pointed at the ten-pound notes Mr Granger was holding.
"Meet you back here," Ron said to Hermione.
And, with that, the Weasleys Harry Alistair Dakota and I followed a goblin through one of the doors branching off the hall to the underground vaults.
꧖ꦿꦸ⊰ ⊱꧖ꦿꦸ
While I spent most of the cart ride to the Weasley's vault laughing like a lunatic, and even Dakota seemed to be enjoying herself(after her initial shock when the cart shot off), Alistair looked seasick by the experience(which isn't surprising considering he gets a bit motion sick just looking at cars).
My exhilaration was pretty quickly harpooned when the goblin opened the vault, revealing a very small pile of Sickles and a single Galleon-all of which was swept up into Mrs Weasley's bag.
Harry obviously felt bad.
We both felt a lot worse when we arrived at our vault, which just about blew Dakota and Alistair's minds.
"Damn, Bones. This is more than I make in-ever."
"You know, if you want more money, all you have to do is have a Dark wizard murder Granny, cross your fingers, and hope she's loaded. And that she didn't write you out of the will after the strawberry jelly incident."
"-I think I need to call Lorna."
"Yep."
As he hastily filled his/our(-because I can't be trusted with things I can put down, wander away from, and forget immediately until I need them; the other week, I made myself some cereal, and found the remote in the fridge two hours later)leather money bag, Harry seemed to be trying to block the view of our glittering fortune.
The problem?
He's a hobbit, and everybody is taller than him and can just see over his head(excluding Ginny, which isn't saying much).
After leaving Gringotts, we all split off.
I think I heard Percy vaguely mutter something about a "new quill" he needed, the twins spotted Lee and took off(they did ask me if I wanted to come with, but I was planning on showing Dakota and Alistair around-which basically translates to exploring because I've been here, like, once), and Mrs Weasley had to take Ginny to a secondhand robe shop(she's just starting Hogwarts and, with her families ridiculous unspoken expectation that every single one of them had to be in Gryffindor house, I wish her luck).
Mr Weasley was insistent on taking the Grangers to the Leaky Cauldron for a drink(he invited Alistair and Dakota too and they were tempted, if only to try wizard drinks, but they wanted to explore the magical street-and spend some time with me in 'my world'-and I promised Alistair ice cream, so-).
"We'll all meet at Flourish and Blotts in an hour to buy your schoolbooks," Mrs Weasley said before leaving with Ginny. "And not one step down Knockturn Alley!" she shouted after Fred and George.
So that left me, Dakota Alistair Hermione Harry and Ron.
"I don't think we were properly introduced," Hermione said and, spiking my anxiety way up, held out a hand to Dakota and Alistair. "I'm Hermione Granger-Jewel's my best friend."
"You have a best friend?" Alistair turned to me, taken aback. "I didn't mean for that to come out how it sounded," he added sheepishly.
"That's-that's great-" Dakota's face lit up, "I was worried because-well, you know-and for a moment there I thought you'd made your Hogwarts friends up so we wouldn't worry-there are quite a lot of them, you know, and you've never really-"
"Oh, Merlin," I groaned, covering my face in embarrassment.
Harry and Ron winced sympathetically, but couldn't help but wonder why they'd thought I'd pretend to have friends-and why it's such a surprise that I didn't.
"Anyway," Alistair intervened, taking mercy on me. "I'm Alistair Morrissey, and this is my wife Dakota. It's nice to meet you, Hermione."
Hermione looked a bit disappointed that she didn't get a real answer to who they were to me specifically, and I grimaced.
"So," I said quickly, clapping my hands together and clearing my throat, "who's for ice cream?"
Alistair was put out to find that the ice cream flavours at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour were all pretty normal, standard stuff.
I think he expected them to serve Eye of Newt Sundaes or something.
He brightened when, after he complained about them serving vanilla ice cream(which, for some reason, seemed to personally offend him), the server pointed out that he could always just order Butterbeer ice cream(which is based off a wizard drink).
He got it in a souvenir glass.
I got Butterbeer ice cream with hundreds-and-thousands, and it's surprisingly really good(it's sweet and tastes kinda like butterscotch and toasted marshmallow), and Dakota settled on a salted caramel cone with nuts.
Harry, on the other hand, decided to shout himself Ron and Hermione a large strawberry-and-peanut-butter ice cream each.
We wandered around together for a while, taking a look at all the magical stores and eating our ice creams, but ended up separating when we reached Quality Quidditch Supplies. While Hermione dragged Ron away from the window display, where he was gazing longingly at a full set of Chudley Cannon robes, Harry gave me some money(which I promptly handed to Dakota)before following them next door to buy ink and parchment(Harry promised to get doubles of what we'd need so I could focus on exploring, which earnt him about a billion twin points-I mean, he mostly did it out of guilt for the last couple of weeks/to make himself feel better for his part in the Weasleys finding out about the Morrisseys, but whatever-).
(despite really not wanting to, I told Harry before they left that they could fill Hermione in somewhat, because she was looking increasingly frustrated and didn't know how to just come out and ask who the hell Dakota and Alistair were exactly-and I very much did not want to have to do it, as fun as earlier was).
I was just enthusiastically trying to talk Alistair through Quidditch, again, as we looked about the store when I spotted a display of Golden Snitches and got-distracted.
"-and they call these things Golden Snitches?"
Alistair peered curiously at the little gold metal balls.
"After the Golden Snidget-" I explained without looking away from the glass case, "it was a bird that almost went extinct because they were fast and hard to see and people, for some mental reason-wizard madness would be my guess, thought it'd be fun to try to catch them as part of a wide-spread wizard sport; when they were told they couldn't use live birds anymore, they made the first Golden Snitch-" I sighed almost longingly, "Merlin, I want one. I mean, I'm a Beater, so I have nothing to do with the Snitch, but I just really want one. I've been weirdly fascinated by them ever since I read Quidditch Through the Ages. I nick the one we use for practice sometimes, just to play around with it, you know, and I just-I just want one."
"Then get one, they can't be that much-" Alistair checked the prices, and almost choked. "That much for a tiny metal ball?"
I grimaced wryly.
We continued on, checking out all the different Quidditch merchandise-and, somehow, that led to:
"I met this little girlie, her hair was kinda curly," the middle-aged biology teacher rapped, playfully tugging on one of my wavy curls, "went to her house and bust her out, I had to leave real early-"
"These girls are really sleazy," I took over, "all they just say is please me, or spend some time and rock a rhyme, I said "It's not that easy"-"
"It's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's Tricky!" we chorused as we danced about like idiots, Alistair even doing the running man briefly, "(How is it D?) It's Tricky (Tricky) Tricky (Trrrrrricky), it's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's Tricky...Tricky (Tricky) Tricky-"
We did an arm wave going into a body wave in perfect sync(which probably didn't look as cool as it felt, but it was fun, so whatever-).
All the while, we flashed matching grins at Dakota, who looked embarrassed by the random strangers gawking at/side-eyeing us.
"Alistair, Jewel, would you just-!" she hissed, looking around. "There are so many people staring at us-"
"In New York, the people talk and try to make us rhyme, they really (hawk) but we just (walk) because we have no time-"
"And in the city, it's a pity 'cos we just can't hide, tinted windows don't mean nothin', they know who's inside-"
"It's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's Tricky...(How is it D?) Tricky (Tricky) Tricky (Tricky), it's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's Tricky...Tricky (Tricky) Tricky (Tricky) huh!"
Alistair grabbed my arm, jokingly twirling me and making me laugh.
"When I wake up people take up mostly all of my time, I'm not singin', phone keep ringin' 'cos I make up a rhyme-"
"I'm not braggin', people naggin' 'cos they think I'm a star, always tearin' what I'm wearin', I think they're goin' too far-"
"A girl named Carol follows Daryll every gig we play, then D dissed her and dismissed her, now she's jockin' Jay-"
"I ain't lyin', girls be cryin' 'cos I'm on TV, they even bother my poor father 'cos he's down with me-"
"It's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's Tri-"
Dakota's eyes flashed, daring us to 'rap' another syllable, and we abruptly shut up, trading a look and struggling to keep straight faces.
"...ky," slipped out before I could stop it.
Alistair stifled a laugh.
Dakota's lips thinned in a very McGonagall way.
-which did not bode well for either of us.
"Sorry, darling-" Alistair said hastily at the look, "you know how I get when Jewel starts singing a song I know-it's our thing-"
"Wow, back up the bus right over me, why don't you," I muttered to him dryly, and he nudged me with his elbow.
I stuck out my tongue.
He mimicked the childish gesture but quickly tried to look like a responsible adult when he saw his wife staring us down with her arms crossed and lips pursed.
"And what does it matter what other people think?" I went on.
"It's not decent-"
"Who cares about being decent?" I scoffed carelessly, peering at a nearby shelf of Quidditch team-themed scarves. "Oooh, I get it-" I added, feigning a great air of understanding(because I saw her expression and just couldn't help myself), "no wonder you didn't want us singing-here, I'll handle it-"
I turned to Alistair who quirked an eyebrow at me, wondering where I was going with this-while Dakota looked alarmed.
"Jewel, whatever you're about to do-"
"So no, I don't want your number, no-" I belted out, "I don't want to give you mine-"
Alistair started laughing.
Dakota facepalmed.
"-and, no, I don't want to meet you nowhere, no, I don't want none of your time and, no, I don't want no scrub, a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me, hangin' out the passenger side, of his best friend's ride, trying to holla at me-"
"Jewel Euphemia-"
"Wait, wait, wait-"
I sassily wove a finger at Alistair.
"If you don't have a car and you're walking, oh yes son, I'm talking to you, if you live at home with your momma, oh yes son, I'm talking to you, if you have a shorty that you don't show love, oh yes son, I'm talking to you, wanna get me with no money, oh no, I don't want no, no scrub, no scrub, no scrub, no scrub-no, I don't want no scrub, a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me, hangin' out the passenger side, of his best friend's ride, trying to holla at me-"
"Okay, that's-" catching sight of the weird looks a nearby six-year-old boy was giving us, and his mother, Dakota grabbed my arm, "alright-let's go find that prank shop you've been talking about, Jewel, before the two of you get us thrown out for causing a disturbance-"
"Well, if it's a disturbance you're looking for-"
"It isn't!"
"Suit yourself."
"Come on, Dakota-I thought you'd be happy-I mean, we're raising a kid with standards!"
"Alistair Callan Duncan-"
"Coming, darling!"
"Ha, ha-you got middle named-"
"Jewel Euphe-"
"Allons-y!"
Surprisingly, when we reached Gambol and Japes, we ran back into Harry Ron and Hermione. Less surprisingly, we also ran into the twins and Lee, who were stocking up on Dr Filibuster's Fabulous Wet-Start, No-Heat Fireworks.
(next to Quality Quidditch Supplies and Flourish and Blotts, it was easily my favourite place in Diagon Alley-and, maybe, the world).
Suffice to say, Hermione and Dakota had to drag me and Alistair out of the store by our collars when it was time to move on.
-but, not before I stocked up on various colourful prank products Fred George and Lee insisted were essential for a budding prankster. Seeing everything I bought, Ron was visibly relieved that I wasn't staying at the Burrow for the rest of the summer with Harry-while the twins obviously hoped I would.
After that, deciding to stick together, Dakota Alistair Hermione Ron Harry and I explored the magic shopping street(while simultaneously buying our school things, which would be less fun if we weren't stocking up for magic school).
Hermione was looking at me-and Dakota and Alistair-a bit differently but, to my relief, didn't try to bring it up.
Harry and Ron were at least smart enough to tell her not to.
We ended up in a tiny junk shop where we bumped into Percy, who was immersed in a small book titled Prefects Who Gained Power. The shop itself was full of things like broken wands and potion-stained secondhand cloaks.
"A study of Hogwarts prefects and their later careers," Ron read the back of Percy's book out loud. "That sounds fascinating..."
"Riveting stuff," I agreed wryly.
"Really? I mean, I thought it sounded kind of boring, but-" it clicked, and Alistair made an 'ooh' face, "wait, you guys were being sarcastic, sorry-"
Dakota sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Go away," Percy snapped.
"'Course, he's very ambitious, Percy, he's got it all planned out..." Ron commented in an undertone as we left him to it, "He wants to be Minister of Magic..."
"Well, it's good to have ambitions," Dakota reasoned.
"Damn straight," I agreed, seeing as ambition is a big part of being a Slytherin. "Doesn't give him the right to be a pompous prat, but-"
Dakota shot me a look, and I smiled innocently.
Ron sniggered.
"Jewel, that's Ron's big brother, you can't-"
"No, she's right," the redhead said, startling her, "he is."
She pursed her lips, but dropped it.
"It's like with Dudley-" I added, "if I don't stab their egos and let some of the air out-" I mimed an explosion, "boom."
"So you're insulting them out of the goodness of your heart?" Hermione said dryly.
"Oh, yeah, you're practically a saint, Jules-" Ron remarked mock sincerely.
I flipped him off.
"Jewel Euphemia!"
Alistair cracked up.
꧖ꦿꦸ⊰ ⊱꧖ꦿꦸ
After an hour, we found ourselves outside of Flourish and Blotts bookstore-which was crowded as hell. Seriously, people were fighting their way in.
And, on a banner that stretched across the upper windows:
GILDEROY LOCKHART
will be signing copies of his autobiography
MAGICAL ME
today at 12:30 P.M. to 4:30 P.M.
My right eyebrow arched up.
"We can actually meet him!" Hermione squealed looking thrilled at the prospect. "I mean, he's written almost the whole booklist!"
Hilariously, the majority of the crowd seemed to be witches around Mrs Weasley and Dakota's ages.
By the door, a harassed-looking employee was trying, and very much failing, to keep the peace.
"Calmly, please, ladies...Don't push, there...mind the books, now..."
We just managed to squeeze inside.
The line for autographs spanned all the way to the back of the store.
Quickly becoming annoyed that I couldn't look around for new books without bumping into a middle-aged fanwitch, I grabbed the copy of The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 2 that Harry passed me and reluctantly followed him and the others over to where the rest of the Weasleys and Hermione's parents were standing.
I would've rathered gone off to peruse the shelves, but I had to admit I was curious about this Lockhart guy.
"Oh, there you are, good," Mrs Weasley said breathlessly when she noticed us, patting her hair, and I wondered wryly how Mr Weasley would react to her thoughts. "We'll be able to see him in a minute..."
Gilderoy Lockhart slowly came into view.
His blue robes matched his eyes(which were the colour of forget-me-nots), and the table he was seated at was surrounded by large pictures of his own face; all of which winked and flashed their dazzling smiles at the crowd
His wizard hat was set at a jaunty angle.
I guess I could see why he had so many women swooning over him, with his wavy blonde hair blue eyes and straight shiny teeth, but handsome or not he was obviously a total fop.
Honestly, I thought he looked kind of full of himself.
(I didn't need telepathic abilities to get a good gauge on Gilderoy Lockhart's character-and, even if I did, it's not like I can even use my telepathy with the entire store, and not just the women, engraving how sexy they think Lockhart is, among other things, into my skull, and trust me, I'm trying not to; gross, really, thanks-wow, middle-aged women are just as bad as teenagers, if worse-my abilities are so scarring-nobody ever mentions that in comic books and stuff, you know-telepathy is the worse-).
There was a photographer snapping pictures in front of us.
He was short, looked irritated, and was dancing about as his large black camera flashed blindingly and emitted puffs of purple smoke.
"Out of the way, there," he suddenly snarled at Ron when he moved back to get a better shot only to bump into the redhead. "This is for the Daily Prophet-"
"Big deal," Ron grumbled, rubbing his foot.
Apparently, the photographer had stepped on him.
I would've made a snarky remark but, at the photographer's comment, Lockhart looked up-saw Ron-saw Harry-
Out of instinct, I dropped to the ground, like there was a bloody fire or something.
"It can't be Harry Potter?" Lockhart literally shouted, leaping out of his chair.
The crowd burst into excited whispers and parted.
I started to clumsily crawl away.
"And where's Jewel? Your sister? Is she with you?"
"She's, uh-"
"Right here!"
Arms picked me up out of nowhere and I swore loudly and struggled, in a very ladylike manner, as Fred carried me over to Lockhart and Harry.
"-let me-!-would you just-Freddie, come on-asshole-"
Fred dropped me on my feet right next to Harry.
"Jewel Potter!"
Lockhart smiled at me brilliantly, showing off his teeth(which, in the animal kingdom, would be a sign of aggression, so-).
"Oooh, you think I'm Jewel Potter-I get that all the time-I think I saw her that way, I'll just go get her-"
I tried to escape but, laughing as if I'd just told a funny joke(I wasn't joking, like, at all), Lockhart grabbed my arm with one hand and Harry's with the other and hauled us up to the front of the room against our will.
Dakota and Alistair looked dumbfounded, not having really understood what I meant when I told them how famous Harry and I are.
The crowd applauded wildly.
Harry turned bright red.
My face was hot, and I felt overall uncomfortable and disgruntled.
Fred mimed for me to smile.
I narrowed my eyes, promising revenge.
Purple smoke wafted over the Weasleys Hermione and the Morrisseys as the Daily Prophet photographer clicked away madly.
"Nice big smiles," Lockhart told us through a wide grin. "Together, the three of us are worth the front page."
I stared up at him, seriously wondering if I'd been kidnapped by an idiot.
When Lockhart finally released my hand, I had to wriggle my fingers, seeing as I could barely even feel them-which seemed to be the same case for Harry. Sharing a look, we carefully inched towards freedom-but, just as it was in our grasp, Lockhart threw an arm around each of us, clamping us tightly to his either side.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Lockhart began loudly, and everyone quieted down. "What an extraordinary moment this is! The perfect moment for me to make a little announcement I've been sitting on for some time!
"When young Harry here and his sister-"
"I mean, I have a name-" I mumbled under my breath, "I'm also, you know, equally famous, or whatever-if anything, at Hogwarts, I might be more famous-"
"-stepped into Flourish and Blotts today, they only wanted to buy my autobiography-" we wanted to do what now? "which I shall be happy to present them now, free of charge-" there was another round of applause, and I pulled a face(every time the photographer snapped his camera, I'd taken to making immature faces so he couldn't use any of the pictures he'd taken and, if he does anyway, at least it'll give everybody I know a good laugh-I bet McGonagall will have it framed; it's almost embarrassing how much she adores me-), "they had no idea-" Lockhart gave us both a little shake, and Harry's glasses slipped down, "that they would shortly be getting much, much more than my book, Magical Me. They and their schoolmates will, in fact, be getting the real magical me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have the great pleasure and pride in announcing that this September-"
"Gandalf, you asshole," I groaned under my breath.
Only just managing to hear me, Harry struggled to keep a straight face.
"-I will be taking up the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"
The crowd broke into cheers.
Lockhart forcefully gave us his entire works, free of charge, and sent us off staggering under the weight of the massive book stacks.
Harry skirted around the crowd towards where Ginny was standing.
I, on the other hand, walked right up to George and handed him my books.
"Happy birthday, Georgie!"
"Wait, really?"
George looked startled.
"Jewel, dear, you don't have to-"
"Don't stress, Mrs W-" I wove my hand casually, lying, "I've already bought my own-and so's Harry-I think he's given his to Ginny-"
"Oh, well-" Mrs Weasley looked immensely grateful-not to mention relieved that she had fewer Lockhart books to pay for, "George-"
She smacked his arm pointedly, and he jumped.
"Thanks, Bones," George said hastily.
"Anytime, Georgie. As for you-" I turned to Fred, smiling pleasantly, "I'm gonna enjoy destroying you."
"You do that, Bones," Fred replied with a smirk, unconcerned.
"Can you-?" I asked Dakota, lowering my voice so Mrs Weasley wouldn't hear.
"On it," she said, holding up her purse and waving it at me, figuring out what I wanted and seeming surprised but pleased/proud of what me and Harry were doing, giving away our free books to people who need them more.
"So, you're like famous famous-" Alistair remarked.
"Kirke..."
"Hey, hey Bones-Vogue-" he joked, miming a camera.
"Dammit, Jim!"
I stalked off after Harry, and Alistair cracked up.
Spotting a certain blonde dingbat sneering at my dope of a brother, I sped up, hastily pushing my way through the crowd.
"-can't even go into a bookshop without making the front page."
"Leave him alone, he didn't want all that!" Ginny defended with a glare, surprising me.
(from what I've heard, she has a massive crush on Harry-so much so that she panics and won't speak whenever he's around-).
"Potter, you've got yourself a girlfriend!"
Ginny blushed as red as her hair.
"I'd ask where your girlfriend is," I shot back as I walked over with my hands on my hips, gaining their attention, "but I can't imagine a girl mental enough to date you, so-"
Instead of looking offended, like I'd intended, Malfoy straightened up when he saw me and smirked widely.
Something in his grey eyes shifted.
"Oh look, it's your smarter half-" he taunted.
"I don't know if you're trying to compliment me," I quipped, green eyes brightening, "or if you're just too stupid to come up with a proper insult."
"It was a backhanded compliment-" he said snidely, "and, if anything, I was insulting your idiot brother-"
"By saying I'm smarter than him?" I laughed, crossing my arms, "I mean, he already knows that-"
"I do," Harry agreed, not seeming at all insulted by that fact.
"See?" I said, pointing at him.
"So, you looked like you were having fun over there-" Malfoy continued mockingly, "did you get Lockhart's autograph?"
"You know what-" I flipped him off, smiling sarcastically.
"Wow, that's very witty, I'm impressed-"
At that moment Ron and Hermione, both clutching their own stacks of Lockhart books, made their way over to us.
"Oh, it's you-" noticing Malfoy standing with us, Ron looked at him like you'd look at chewed gum or something equally as unpleasant on the bottom of your shoe. "Bet you're surprised to see Harry and Jewel here, eh?"
(oh, right-according to his letter from the other week, Harry seems to have come to the conclusion that Malfoy was the one who sent Dobby and that he was trying to screw with us and prevent us from coming back to Hogwarts; even with how wonky my telepathy is, I could tell it was more than that, which is why I was comfortable with calling him Ron and all parties involved in that theory idiots).
"Not as surprised as I am to see you in a shop, Weasley," Malfoy flung back. "I suppose your parents will go hungry for a month to pay for all those."
Face going a dangerous shade of scarlet, Ron dropped his books into Ginny's new cauldron and started towards the blonde.
I settled back to watch the show, but Harry and Hermione dove in and killed the fun, grabbing Ron by the back of his jacket.
"Oh, come on-I wanted to see Ron kick Malfoy's ass-" I complained.
At that Malfoy finally looked offended.
"Why are you assuming Weasley would kick my ass?"
"He's scrappy, tall, and has five whole older brothers-" I said obviously, "and sure, you'd fight dirty, but he'd have his anger to drive him and you're a manicured only child who couldn't take a punch if you tried-"
"I can take a punch!" Malfoy argued.
"You can, can you? Alright then-"
I wound back my fist but-before I could 'pretend' to punch the blonde in the face to prove a point and for no other reason, we were interrupted.
"Ron!" Mr Weasley Fred and George struggled over, "What are doing? It's too crowded in here, let's go outside."
I reluctantly dropped my arm.
"Were you seriously going to punch me?" Malfoy said incredulously.
"You're the one that said you can take a punch-" I reasoned with feigned innocence, "I was just helping you prove it. You should really be thanking me."
He stared at me in disbelief.
"You know, it's funny you're sticking up for Weasley-" he sneered after a beat, "seeing as you don't want-what was it?-'no scrubs?'"
I opened and shut my mouth, caught off guard and slightly mortified.
Malfoy smirked in triumph.
"You-what-? But-"
"Father and I stopped by Quality Quidditch Supplies about an hour ago-" he added smugly, "I don't even know why I was surprised to find you and some random guy singing and dancing in the middle of the store, Bones."
-excuse me while I dig a hole and bury myself real quick.
Suddenly, my head snapped up.
"Don't call me Bones!"
"Okay, Bones."
The others looked bewildered and almost morbidly interested as they watched our verbal ping-pong match(I honestly forgot they were even still here for a second, which isn't unusual-Malfoy just drives me so absolutely mad that I tend to forget everything else around me when we're bickering, and he's just as bad-).
"Until you've seen at least the Star Trek movies, if not the show," I said flatly, "you don't deserve to use that nickname."
"Does it look like I care?" Malfoy drawled.
I made to retort, when-
"Well, well, well-Arthur Weasley."
I looked up in surprise to see a man with a pale, pointed face and blonde hair-and a strong resemblance to the boy beside him. He had cold grey eyes, expensive-looking robes, and was holding a snakehead walking stick.
They even had identical sneers.
"Lucius," Mr Weasley nodded coldly.
"Busy time at the Ministry, I hear," Lucius Malfoy remarked, and I observed him critically. "All those raids...I hope they're paying you overtime?"
Without so much as a by your leave, he reached right into Ginny's cauldron and, ignoring the brand-new Lockhart books Harry had obviously given her, pulled out an old, battered copy of A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration.
"Obviously not," he mused. "Dear me, what's the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard if they don't even pay you well for it?"
Mr Weasley flushed a deep shade of red.
I would've shot back a snarky comment-because if you haven't noticed yet I'm a bit outspoken(which sounds better than tactless and mouthy), but when I opened my mouth Malfoy shook his head subtly.
For some reason, he didn't want me to antagonise his father.
-weird.
I would've just done it anyway(because being told not to do things usually just makes me want to do them more),but Mr Weasley clapped back before I could.
"We have a very different idea of what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy."
"Clearly," Mr Malfoy said glancing at Mr and Mrs Granger, who watched on in apprehension. When his gaze moved to include Dakota and Alistair, I bristled. "The company you keep, Weasley...and I thought your family could sink no lower."
Shocking everyone, Mr Weasley abruptly threw himself at Mr Malfoy.
Ginny's cauldron went flying with a clunk as the two wizards fell back against one of the bookshelves, knocking down dozens of heavy spellbooks.
They thundered down on all of our heads and, seeing Malfoy in their path-
It was a split-second impulsive decision but, for some unfathomable reason, I found myself diving forward and tackling the blonde out of the way.
There were several loud thuds, and I winced when I felt the air shift just behind me as the books collided with the ground.
I looked up-and blinked when I found Malfoy's face inches away from mine, his grey eyes wide in astonishment.
In trying to get him out of the way, I'd unintentionally pinned him against the shelf with my arms around his neck and our bodies pressed together.
For some reason, my face felt suddenly hot, and his turned bright pink.
"Get him, Dad!" cheered one of the twins.
"No, Arthur, no!" Mrs Weasley shrieked.
"Gentlemen, please-please!" the shop assistant cried.
Realising we were just staring at each other in a stupefied daze, I hastily moved back, shoving myself off the blonde.
I tried to say something smart-mouthed, or intelligent at all, but found myself uncharacteristically flustered and tongue-tied.
At least Malfoy seemed to be in the same predicament.
People were stampeding to back away from the fight and, in turn, just knocking over more shelves and adding to the chaos.
Out of the blue, a familiar voice boomed over everything-
"Break it up, there, gents, break it up-"
I finally managed to end mine and Malfoy's weird staring contest, looking around quickly to see Hagrid wading through a metaphorical ocean of overturned books towards us.
In a blink, he was pulling the two wizards apart.
Mr Weasley had a split lip.
Mr Malfoy, who had been hit in the eye by an Encyclopedia of Toadstools, had a forming black eye-ironically like the one Ron gave his son.
Realising he was still holding Ginny's secondhand Transfiguration book, he thrust it at her, grey eyes flashing maliciously.
"Here, girl-take your book-it's the best your father can give you-"
Pulling himself free of Hagrid, he beckoned to his son and swept away.
Instead of following right away, Malfoy surprisingly hesitated by me.
He studied me unreadably for several heartbeats, like he was trying to figure me out, before leaning forward and, carefully gauging my expression, quietly commenting, "you know, I'd be more impressed by your reaction time if I didn't know you probably saw all of that coming-Legilimency comes in handy, doesn't it?"
I stared at him, horrified.
Instead of being all smug about it, he just nodded to himself in satisfaction and left.
"You-but-"
Speechless, I watched him go.
"What did he say?" Ron asked, glaring after the blonde.
"I-nothing-he was just being a jerk, like usual-" I stammered, crossing my arms tightly and avoiding his Harry and Hermione's questioning looks.
My heart sank like an anchor in my chest.
"Yeh should've ignored him, Arthur," Hagrid was saying as he straightened Mr Weasley's robes-and almost lifted the man right off his feet. "Rotten ter the core, the whole family, everyone knows that-no Malfoy's worth listenin' ter-bad blood, that's what it is-come on now-let's get outta here."
At the sight of Hagrid, whose waist he barely came up to, the shop assistant wisely reconsidered trying to stop us from leaving.
As we hurried up the street, Mrs Weasley only became more and more furious.
Mr and Mrs Granger were shaking.
"A fine example to set for your children...brawling in public...what Gilderoy Lockhart must've thought-"
"He was pleased," Fred informed his mum. "Didn't you hear him as we were leaving? He was asking that bloke from the Daily Prophet if he'd be able to work the fight into his report-said it was all publicity-"
I scoffed, ignoring the tight feeling in my chest.
"Look, no offence Mrs W, 'cause I know you like him-but Lockhart is a textbook narcissist-what the hell is Dumbledore thinking?-"
While the boys and even Ginny appeared to agree with me, Hermione didn't seem ready to make any judgements(-at least, not without reading his books first)and Mrs Weasley was clearly of the opposite opinion.
"Oh, but you haven't read his books yet," she told me, "he's marvellous. He really knows his household pests, and he's done all these incredible things-"
"If he was really as great as you think he is," I said patiently, not wanting to offend her but unable to bite my tongue despite the look Dakota shot me, "he wouldn't of put all his own books on the class list-which has to be the most stupid, egotistical, money-grabbing thing I've ever heard of-really, is this a prank? Is Dumbledore taking the mickey? He has to be, right, to hire that bloke-Maybe he was just, super smashed that day-?"
The twins and Ron sniggered but shut up when their mum shot them a sharp look that closely resembled the one Dakota was levelling on me.
"-I'm just saying," I mumbled, holding my hands up in surrender.
"Read one of his books, dear," Mrs Weasley said surely, "then make up your mind."
By the time we finished shopping and made our way to the Leaky Cauldron to Floo back to the Burrow, everyone was a lot more subdued.
Seeing as they'd be going through to the Muggle street outside, we said goodbye to the Grangers(Mr Weasley made to ask them how bus stops work, but self-preservation had him biting his tongue when he saw the unfriendly look on his wife's face, and Hermione gave me another hug, which was awkward-and not just because of the whole 'you're adopted?!' questions bouncing around her head)before preparing ourselves to use the Floo Network again-this time hopefully without losing anyone up a chimney.
As a precaution, Harry tucked his magically repaired glasses away in his pocket.
Even looking at the fireplace made me feel queasy.
If I ever met the inventor of Floo Powder, I'd give him a good kick.
-I bet it was a Malfoy.
Reviews/Replies*̥˚✧!
Solti: Jewel and Snape will catch up in the next chapter, so you won't have long to wait ;). And yeah, I figured it'd be fun to throw a Remus cameo in there-especially for certain reasons I'll go into in Act 3. I actually considered having Jewel fall out of the Borgin and Burkes fireplace while Malfoy and his father were there, mid-conversation, but it wouldn't of made sense for Jewel and Harry to magically/coincidentally end up falling through the same fireplace on accident. Besides, Remus.
Hollypop2014: thanks! Happy you're enjoying it so far! Bringing emotional depth into your work while still trying to be comedic/light-hearted is a tricky line to walk sometimes, so I'm glad I'm doing okay. :)
Mar: Thank you! :) I adore Dakota and Alistair. Like Jewel, I've tried really hard to flesh them out as characters-especially when they're such important people to her. I'm super excited for Alistair and Mr Weasley too, even if it's not a huge plot point. Dakota and Mrs Weasley won't actually be that close, but they'll get along/be friendly. I mean, they have some stuff in common and they're a lot alike in ways(warm/welcoming mama bears who kinda have to reign in their enthusiastic husbands and troublemaking kids-though, Mrs Weasley isn't nearly as into sports, and she's probably never been red-carded as a spectator at one of her kids' soccer games before; Dakota's also super into action movies, competitive, hard-working/diligent, is a bit high-strung, and seems very well put together and is a bit of a perfectionist because of her OCD-tendencies), but they won't click as instantly as their husbands. I sorta imagine Dakota as a Huffleclaw and Alistair as a Ravenpuff. I can't wait for Remus to enter cannon properly so he and Jewel can be besties. Snape will not approve (really, it's just one more thing for him to be scowly at Remus about). And Draco is totally a huge softie when it comes to Jewel, but she's the same way-it just takes her longer to get there/admit it.
Kukuhimanpr: honestly, as someone with a fear of heights, yes. I love Quidditch as an aesthetic, but degnoming would be so much fun (morally questionable, but fun). Then again, I throw like a "girl", so the gnome would probably land right in front of me and immediately come for revenge so maybe not. Jewel would be awesome at it though; Beaters have great arms and upper body strengths, and it's literally just legally? being allowed to throw tiny creatures over a hedge. Plus, she's crazy competitive.
