Author's Note: Just a little head's up first. I know in the show, after this, it's All Systems No, but I have ultimately decided to skip it. So after this, we're reaching into Monumental Disaster.
The song featured here is a parody of "Wicked Always Wins" from the Once Upon a Time episode, The Song in Your Heart.
Any and all comments are welcome.
Loki walked by the living room for a good bit of breakfast when something caught his eye. He caught the sight of Pete McGee pressing his face on the window with eager eyes.
"Molly, your father's having an episode!"
Molly and Scratch joined the Asgardian. "Whatcha looking for, Dad?"
"Is it the ice cream truck?" Scratch asked.
"It's here! It's finally here!" Pete cheered as he raced out of the house. He reached the mailbox just as the delivery truck left the house. While he pulled out a magazine, the kids followed him. "Here she is. Midwest Monthly. I've waited four weeks for this."
"Is that a magazine, like, with staples?" Scratch asked.
"You know you can read it way earlier online, right?" Molly asked.
"And miss out on that new magazine smell?" Pete asked taking a sniff of the pages.
"You're freaking me out, even more than usual." Loki said. "Why were you looking forward to this outdated waste of paper?"
"Because every month, Midwest Monthly judges the best of something in the county." Pete said. "As the city planner, I've got a personal stake in Brighton winning something. And now, to find out which town has been named 'Best of the Midwest'."
"I think Brighton's got a real shot." Molly said.
"I'm too nervous. You do it." Pete said handing the magazine over to Loki. He crossed his fingers and hands nervously.
"Sheesh. Sensitive much?" Loki asked. He opened the magazine and read inside. "It says here that the 'Best of the Midwest' is… Perfektborg, Scandinavian hospitality in America's heartland'."
"NOOOO!" Pete yelled out.
"What's his deal?" Loki asked. "These guys sound good."
"Loki, they took away my dad's dream." Molly said.
Loki shrugged. "I can't help it. I was worshipped and feared by Scandinavians."
"You don't understand." Pete said. "Perfektborg wins every time. Brighton's not even on the map in that magazine, is it?"
"Sure it is. Well, half of it, anyway." Molly said pointing at the edge of the map. It was half of a dot labeled "BRIGH". "But it still counts."
"When did half count?" Scratch asked.
"That's it!" Pete yelled out. "For too long, Brighton has been counted out. But no more! The next edition of Midwest Monthly will crown the 'Best Fest in the Midwest' and it's going to be Brighton! Who's with me?!"
"OOH! ME! I AM!" Molly yelled out.
"Not me." Loki said.
"WHAT?!" Both Molly and Pete yelled out.
"I don't have any stakes in this." Loki said. "So while you propose your 'best fest' plan to Mayor Brunson, I'll enjoy my morning at home."
"All right." Molly said. "We'll be back with what we decided."
After returning with the news, Molly, Pete, and Scratch told Loki what the mayor decided. And the news made Loki laugh so hard, he fell on the floor waving his legs around.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Loki laughed before picking himself up. He wiped a tear from his eye and chuckled before continuing. "So our festival is going to center around… turnips?"
"I admit, it's a bit unconventional." Pete said.
"Unconventional?" Loki asked. "You might win over the farmers in Asgard, but there's no way you can draw in a crowd of mortals who make British television programs about baking sweets."
"You're just making me hungry." Scratch said.
"You're always hungry."
"Okay. So all we gotta do is win Best Fest." Molly said. "And that'll bring tourists. And tourists will bring…"
"Tourist money." Pete continued. "Which means more funds to enhappify the town, winning us even more awards."
"Nice usage of 'enhappify'." Molly commented.
"Hi. Reality here." Scratch said. "You're working with the turnip, which is what you'd get if earwax became a vegetable. Still, I'm surprised that you're laughing at turnips, Loki. Didn't they have vegetables in Asgard?"
"Yes, but even then, turnips would be the last thing on anyone's dinner plates." Loki said. "I personally always pretended to eat mine and feed them to the goats."
"The point is," Scratch said, "There's no way that a turnip is going to…"
All of a sudden, a blue vortex appeared right behind Loki and Scratch. A strong wind began to pull them in.
"What's going on?" Molly asked.
"We're being summoned to the Ghost World!" Loki yelled out. "Don't worry! We'll be back sooooooon!" He lost his footing and fell through the portal with Scratch.
When Scratch and Loki landed on the floating rock in the Ghost World, they looked up to see the disappointed faces of the Ghost Council, even the displeased expression of Death herself. Both boys gulped at them.
"Scratch, Loki, we need to talk." Said one of the members, Sir Alister. "Your misery numbers are frankly… miserable."
"Which is strange," said another ghost, Grimbella, "Considering that we left Loki to assist you."
"This was supposed to be simple." Said another, Bartholomew.
"Anything to say?" asked the last member, Lucretia. "There seems to be a rather disturbing trend of joy, and Lady Death is not happy."
"I really thought the two of you would set a record." Death said.
"And we will." Scratch pleaded. "We've been cooking up something really miserable."
"Uh… Right." Loki assured nervously. "A Turnip Festival. You can't get sadder than that."
Death striked her bony chin. "Hmm… Turnips are so dull, it's certainly miserable, but festivals are very risky. We all remember what happened to Scary Sven when Perfektborg had their Krumcake Cookie Competition."
"Yes. He never recovered." Lucretia said pointing over at one of the ghosts in the Flow of Failed Phantoms.
"This won't be like Perfektborg! Honest!" Loki yelled out. "Remember, this festival celebrates turnips!"
"Yeah. He's right." Scratch said.
"Very well." Death said with a fatal gaze. "See to it that Brighton is miserable and this little lapse will be forgotten. But if joy hasn't gone down by the end of the festival… Well, let's just say you're in for a tough future, and a short one too."
Both Loki and Scratch gulped harder.
As soon as news of the Turnip Fest erupted, Brighton was booming with excitement much to Scratch and Loki's chagrin. People from outside of Brighton joined in at the festival filled with turnip-themed booths, games, and prizes. They were utterly shocked at how much fun everyone was having.
As soon as they could, Scratch and Loki met up with Molly. "Hey, Molly," Scratch said, "You know… hypothetically speaking, how would you feel if Brighton didn't get the 'Best Fest in the Midwest'?"
"Well, come on, man. That's not gonna happen 'cause it's in the bag."
"It's a hypothetical question." Loki said. "If this Turnip Fest didn't succeed, it wouldn't crush your spirit, would it?"
"Uh… no. I think I'd get over it. But it would totally demolish Dad."
"I thought so." Scratch said watching Pete approach.
"This looks great." Pete admired.
"Yeah. Everyone from town's here." Molly said. "Now, all you gotta do is impress that Midwest Monthly reporter."
"Excuse me."
The McGee family turned their attention to two people approaching. One was an African-American woman with a dark-green power suit, glasses, and balled up hair. She was accompanied by a large, dark-suited man wearing a fedora that overshadowed half of his ugly head.
"Uh… Hi." Pete greeted. "And you are…"
"Eva Hernandez, reporter for Midwest Monthly. And this here is my bodyguard, Sebastian."
"You need a bodyguard?" Molly asked.
"Don't question my work." Eva said. "Now, I'll be judging your town one festivity at a time. I'd like to see how every last one of your citizens is handling this."
"Right this way, Ms. Hernandez." Pete said leading the reporter and her bodyguard around the carnival. "Would you care to try one of Brighton's famous Turnip Tornados?"
"Perhaps another time." Eva said. "Right now, I'd like to start with the most popular attractions in the festival."
"All right." Pete said.
While the tour began, Scratch and Loki looked ahead. The ghost himself was acting distraught.
"Molly and Pete worked so hard. I can't be the one to crush their dreams."
"I'll do it then." Loki said.
"Really?" Scratch asked.
"Like I said, I have no stakes here." Loki said brushing his hands together. "I'll just whip up some Loki magic and… Oh, Odin's Beard!"
Loki's eyes grew as wide as dinner plates as he gazed across the crowd. His eyes were locked onto a woman with a dark-blue hood and cloak covering her. But after seeing her fair face, Loki quickly went behind a booth. Scratch followed him curiously.
"Loki, buddy, is something wrong?"
"YES!" Loki yelled out. "They know I'm here! I mean, I'm not sure if they know, but they're definitely suspecting me of hiding here!"
"Who?"
"The Asgardians! That hooded woman is Lady Sif, one of the mightiest warriors in Asgard whose skill rivals any Valkyrie! And she does not like me! So I'm hiding!"
"But what about the Turnip Fest?" Scratch asked.
"Trust me! If Sif finds me, the Flow of Failed Phantoms will be the least of our worries! Don't worry though. As long as I'm hiding in the crowd, I'm fine."
All of a sudden, a green wave flew right through Loki. As it passed, Loki began to glow green, but it dimmed out after a couple of seconds.
"Um… What was that?" Scratch asked.
"Uh, oh!" Loki gasped. "Guess hiding is going to be harder than I thought! But I didn't think she'd know how to use this spell! I didn't even know she could use magic at all!"
"What are you talking about?" Scratch asked. "What spell?"
"A seeking wave spell." Loki said. "Basically, it scans for a certain target within a small radius. If I was glowing green for a second, that means I'm who she was looking for, and if she catches me glowing green, she'll catch me and drag me to Asgard in chains! Sorry, Scratch, but the chances of me helping you ruin this festival have dropped from miniscule to nil."
"Well, that stinks." Scratch said. "Of all the times for an Asgardian to show up in an outfit that curiously draws more attention than anything else, it had to be today. So how can I…"
A bloodcurdling scream echoed as Geoff hovered over toward Scratch and Loki. The poor ghost was twisted up. "Help! I got too close to the turnip tornado machine!"
"Geoff, you're a ghost." Scratch said annoyed. He grabbed both halves of Geoff and pressed him back together. The happy ghost returned with a hug.
"Wow. Good to know I can always count on you."
Suddenly, an idea formed in Loki's head. "You know, Geoff, perhaps you can help us."
"What do you mean?" Geoff asked.
"Well, Scratch and I were told to make this Turnip Fest into a failure. However, neither Scratch nor I are in the right position to do anything."
"Oh, right!" Scratch agreed. "So what do you say, buddy? Care to give us a hand?"
"For my dear friends, anything." Geoff said.
Suddenly, another green wave flew over the ground. Once it hit Loki, he glowed green again for just a couple of seconds. When he was done, he looked back to see Sif turning her head examining everyone in the crowd.
"Let's do this quickly." Loki said. "Sif's going to roam around the festival casting that spell everywhere she goes until she finds me. So get to messing things up with that reporter so we can go home early."
Needless to say, Geoff did nothing but fail. While Loki and Scratch were hiding whenever scanned and avoiding the Asgardian warrior, Geoff did everything he could to mess up Eva Hernandez' experience at the festival. Bobbing for turnips. Turnip tosses. Carving faces on turnips. Even dancing with the crowd. But no matter what, all of Geoff's attempts were might as well have been nonexistent.
The best thing out of all this was that after everything, Eva and Sebastian were both still indifferent. Pete approached them nervously.
"So Ms. Hernandez, how are you enjoying the festival so far?"
"Not exactly what I'm looking for, but at least it's diverting." Eva said.
"Well, it's going to be more than just diverting when you see what comes next." Pete said. "We're putting together a great big pinata and inviting everyone in the festival to attend!"
"Everyone, huh? Sounds pretty popular." Eva said looking intrigued.
"So does this get us closer to being the Best Fest in the Midwest?" Pete asked.
"Let's just say that if this goes as well as I hope, then I'll be one satisfied woman."
The entire town of Brighton gathered into a large assembly at the front of the bandshell. On the stage itself, Pete McGee stood underneath a large turnip pinata.
"Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to… TRASH THE TURNIP! Ms. Eva Hernandez of Midwest Monthly Magazine, care to start the thrashing?"
"Why not?" Eva asked taking a bat. "I have some frustrations to let out."
On the far side of the crowd, Loki sweated seeing Sif across the people. He inched himself further away from her, but there was only so far he could go before meeting back up with Scratch and Geoff.
"This is getting serious!" Loki shuddered. "Any moment now, Sif is going to cast another spell and find me in the crowd."
"Yeah. It'll be an easy Where's Waldo." Scratch said. "But that's not the worst part. The clock is ticking for me too!"
"Oh, I heard." Geoff said nonchalantly.
"So we're both running out of options." Loki said. "If Sif finds me, I'm gonna be taken to Asgard. And if this festival isn't stopped, you're going to be taken to the Flow of Failed Phantoms."
"AAH! THE FLOW OF FAILED PHANTOMS?!" Geoff yelled out in surprise. "That is not happening or my name is not G-E… No time to spell it! Gotta go!"
Before anyone could process anything else, Geoff flew off in a big hurry toward the bandshell. He flew right at the chord holding the pinata up letting it land on the stage. Eva removed her blindfold surprised to see the pinata rolling towards her. Sebastian grabbed her and held her up while running away, but the giant turnip followed him. But even his speed couldn't save them both from the turnip. As it ran over them, they were rolling along with it. Molly and Pete rushed over to stop it, but they were rolled up too.
The giant turnip pinata bounced all over Brighton and out of the festival. Once it made it to the street, all its passengers were able to get off and left on the street. They got up to recover, but as they did, they saw the pinata bounce off of city hall. It flew over and was about to land on the four of them. They closed their eyes ready to embrace what would happen.
Suddenly, at a moment, the sound of a sword singing brought hope to their eyes. Up above them, Lady Sif had finished swinging her sword and slicing the pinata in half. She revealed her red armor as she landed in front of them. However, when the pinata opened up, a bunch of squashed turnips spilled out pouring over everyone there.
"Whoa!" Molly gasped. "Well, that was messy, but thanks, lady!"
"You're welcome, child." Sif said before examining the turnip all over her armor. "But why was it filled with turnips?"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time." Pete said. "So, Ms. Hernandez, do you think…"
Eva was shooting daggers straight at Sif growling in anger. She stood up from the mess she was in and stomped her foot. "THAT'S IT! I'M OUT OF HERE!" After that, Sebastian got up and followed her out of the street.
Back at Sif, she tried wiping the turnips off her costume, but she groaned. "Fine. Heimdall, can you hear me?! I know you can, brother! Just bring me home! I'm in desperate need of a bath!"
All of a sudden, a bright pillar of rainbows shot down all over Sif. Molly watched in amazement as she shot out of the ground and into the sky. When the rainbow show ended, all that was left were glyphic markings on the road.
"She was awesome!" Molly said just as Loki and Scratch approached from behind. "Where did she come from?"
"Asgard." Loki answered. "And something tells me we're going to have to keep on our toes a little more."
After a steaming bath, Sif returned to her armor and returned to the hallway. There, she was surprised to see Thor standing there with her arms crossed.
"Oh. Thor. What a surprise…"
"Don't play dumb, Sif. I know Father sent you to Earth behind my back."
Sif sighed quickly giving in. "Aye. But he felt you were too close into this. He didn't want this to be personal."
"It's personal sending you there." Thor said. "Do you really intend to just take Loki back to Asgard unharmed?"
"After what he did to my hair, he'll be lucky if I don't decapitate him." Sif said. "All right. I see your point."
"Look, did you see him?" Thor asked.
"Not as of yet." Sif said. "I searched all over the crowds, but I didn't find any trace of him. But I did learn something. Thor, I don't think I was the only one looking for him."
Thor raised his eyebrows suddenly. "What? Who else?"
Molly opened up her laptop to her dad in the living room. Scratch and Loki were right with them.
"See, Dad? Midwest Monthly available at the click of a button."
"Okay. I will admit, this layout is very convenient."
Pete clicked on an article button that was labeled "Best in Fest". The screen then changed to its opening headline, "Perfektborg! Still Best in Fest!"
Pete closed the laptop ready to cry, which he did when Molly handed him a pillow.
"It's all right, Dad." Molly comforted.
"Look, all we know is that Perfektborg won." Loki said taking the laptop. "Let's just see what that reporter thinks of Brighton."
"What's the point?" Pete sobbed slouching in his couch. "You saw her. She hated it."
"Might as well rip that bandage off now." Scratch said as the trickster pressed on Eva's news article link. "So Loki, think we quelled Death's rage?"
"For now." Loki whispered while the laptop loaded. "But between the rising joy in this town and me nearly getting noticed by someone who hates me, we have to be extra careful. Ah, were we are?" The article popped up and Loki read it allowed. "'The Turnip Fest had a messed-up finish. At least, that's what I heard seeing how I was unable to… attend'? Wait, what?"
"Huh?" Pete asked lifting his head curiously.
"What did you just say?" Molly asked.
"It's all right here." Loki said reading again. "'To Brighton, I apologize that I was unavailable to judge your fair. As my car needed repairs, I couldn't even leave my town. Since I couldn't be there, Perfektborg wins by default. To reiterate, I apologize for not being there, but I hope to change all that at the next Turnip Fest.' That's what it reads right here."
"But that doesn't make sense." Pete said. "She was at the Turnip Fest. She was with me the entire time."
"But if that wasn't Eva Hernandez…" Molly said.
"Then who was at the Turnip Fest?" Scratch asked.
At an old, abandoned shack in the woods, a woman roared loudly in the top floor. Inside, "Eva Hernandez" picked up a green, glowing flask and threw it to the wall. It nearly hit Sebastian's head.
"Uh, ma'am?" he asked. "Are you… still upset?"
"Eva" turned to glare angrily at her bodyguard and stepped closer to him. "Upset? Am I still upset? I was upset when I heard through the grapevine that Loki was alive and hiding in Midgard! I was upset when I had to attend that boorish vegetable festival having no luck with my seeker spell! I was upset having to see Sif, the woman who stole the heart of the man I intend to make mine! I'm not just upset. I'M FURIOUS! And for goodness sake, enough with that ridiculous disguise. We are alone, you know."
"Eva" snapped her fingers and Sebastian began to glow green over his body. When it dimmed, he was a large, bald man with black armor on. He had an axe held to his back. She snapped her fingers again, but this time, she herself glowed. When it dimmed, her true form was revealed, a fair, beautiful woman with long, blonde hair and a green outfit on that matched her tiara.
"So what now, Amora?" the large man asked.
"We clearly didn't search well enough. So we keep searching this town until we find the trickster snake and make him pay for what he did to me." The blonde woman replied. "And don't call me Amora, Executioner. It's too casual for us. Call me the Enchantress."
The man called the Executioner bowed and stepped aside. The Enchantress walked deeper into the dark room illuminating it with her green magic blasts. All around her, a spellcaster setting surrounded her, including bottles of strange ingredients, books, and even a bubbling cauldron. She then broke out into a song.
Enchantress:
I know today wasn't the most progressive day
But that doesn't mean that I'll be going my way
I didn't come this far to be pushed down
I know that liar, Loki, is hiding in this hamlet
But he won't hide forever. I will find him yet
Even if I have to burn down this whole town
He doesn't yet know it
But he'll be horrified
When he learns that he can run
But he'll have nowhere to hide
Oh, I will tear him limb from limb
That's the kindness that I'll show him
That's the Enchantress' scorn
That snake will be decapitated
When I have him eliminated
He'll wish he wasn't born
Oh, I'll do much more than kill him
He'll wish he wasn't boooooorn
Long ago, I thought that he would be a great help
Help him become king, and I'll have Thor for myself
But in the end, he stabbed me in the back
But now, it's payback time
He's got painful days ahead
I'll have him begging for mercy
But just like I said
Oh, I will tear him limb from limb
That's the kindness that I'll show him
That's the Enchantress' scorn
He'll learn what happens if you cross me
No one will just use and toss me
And leave me all forlooooorn
Oh, I'll do much more than kill him
He'll wish he wasn't…
"Wait!" the Enchantress gasped smiling with anticipation as an idea entered her mind. "Why just take his life myself when I can use it to my advantage?"
Enchantress:
I'll catch Loki and bring him
To Asgard on a silver plate
The Allfather will grant me a pardon
Even Thor will think I'm great
Once I win his favor
I'll just take my time
THEN HE WILL BE MINE
OH, I WILL TEAR HIM LIMB FROM LIMB
THAT'S THE KINDNESS THAT I'LL SHOW HIM
THAT'S THE ENCHANTRESS' SCORN
REVENGE IS GOING TO BE SERVED GREEN
BY THIS SOON-TO-BE-THOR'S-QUEEN
HE'LL WISH HE WASN'T BOOOOOOORN
Loki will rue the day he met me
HE'LL WISH HE WASN'T… BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN
