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Ch.51- "Chiaroscuro"
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They couldn't risk taking the time to read the journals- there were flames still actively burning in the district, and if they lost these priceless treasures to a stray ember, everything would have been for nothing. Thankfully, they were still in very good condition. The pages had warped a bit, and some of them stuck together in the corners, but those were hardly problems at all. Levi wrapped them in his cloak, all the blood having long since evaporated, and took it upon himself to carry them, warning Erwin that the next time he tried to inch his grubby little hand closer to the bundle, he would get to experience the joy of regenerating his fingers for the first time.
Erwin kept his thumb hooked in his belt loop as they made their way back to the inner Wall, not because he was afraid that Levi would truly carry out his threat- he knew full well the shorter man was being deathly serious- but more so because he was afraid that any blood he spilled might damage the books. Sure, it would evaporate eventually, but it would also generate heat; Titan blood was hot enough to scald. So then… why didn't he feel any hotter? That heat couldn't just come from nowhere, could it?
"Hange?" He kept his voice quiet as they walked through the ruined streets. They stopped instantly, concern bordering on fear shining in their visible eye.
"What is it? Are you feeling weird? Do you need to sit down?" Rather than answer with words, Erwin grabbed their wrist, pressing the back of their hand against his cheek the way Thomasin always did to check his temperature.
"Do I feel hot to you?"
"Uhhh… I'd say 'no more than usual', but I don't keep track of the hourly fluctuations of your body temperature. Why- do you feel feverish?"
"No. I don't think so. I just… realized that my blood is… hot." It sounded so stupid to say aloud, and if he'd said such a thing to literally anyone else, they would have just regarded him as a deranged lunatic saying deranged things. But Hange, more than anyone else, understood exactly what he was thinking about. Their gaze shifted from concern to sympathetic, and though he had long since released their wrist, they kept their hand where it was, stroking his cheek the way a parent would to comfort their child.
"I guess it's pretty scary, huh? Thinking about all those things we learned about Titans and realizing that it applies to you now… but I think you're looking at this all wrong, Erwin. You don't feel feverish, right?"
"No."
"Yeah, so even if your blood is a little hotter than the average person's, it's not having any ill effect on you. There's nothing wrong with you- your baseline for what's 'normal' has just shifted." The usual excitement they glowed with did not come, leaving them dim and dull, but there was at least a hint of that old thoughtfulness in their voice. "I guess for you or Eren or any Shifter to have a fever, your temperature would have to go way higher than a normal persons'. Which means I probably should graph the hourly fluctuations in a Shifter's normal body temperature… Eren!" They jogged ahead. "Eren! Do you know what a 'rectal thermometer' is?"
"What?"
Erwin watched Hange go, a strange feeling in his chest. He hadn't exactly been hoping Hange would demand to regularly take his temperature in any way, but… the fact that they completely ignored him in favor of running back to their standard test subject… it didn't feel right. Hange's attention span had two modes- "obsessive" and "completely lacking"- with almost no in between. They would spend weeks pouring over the same tiny sample of information… but the moment something new presented itself, they would promptly push their prior research onto the floor and dedicate their upcoming weeks to this shiny new thing that would hold their interest only until something newer appeared, leaving poor Moblit to clean up and attempt to organize their work in a perpetual cycle (without him, who was going to pick those papers off the floor now?)
Hange had been obsessed with Eren because he was new, a new subspecies of human even, but now they had not only a new Shifter but a new Titan, and… No, there was nothing strange about their behavior. It was callous of him to even expect them to go back to their usual behavior after everything that happened. Hange needed time to rest, to grieve, to come to terms with this terrifying new world they'd found themselves on the cusp of; they all did.
They would have to do the majority of their traveling during the night. They had precious little fuel, and even fewer intact blades, all of which were distributed between Levi and Jean, the only two battle-ready soldiers in their group… or rather, the only two battle-ready soldiers who hadn't already proven that they couldn't be trusted not to turn their blades on their fellow Scouts (Erwin could practically feel the scar on his palm itching).
Mikasa did not argue- or full-body tackle anyone to the ground- but there was no shame, no abashedness in her face; if anything, she looked slightly annoyed, as though she had done nothing wrong and everyone was simply overreacting. Perhaps in her mind, that was the truth. Levi knew nothing about their apparent shared bloodline other than anecdotal "familial quirks", and while scholars dedicated to sorting out the hidden treasures in Mitras had found nothing about the Ackerman lineage in the hundreds of books they'd looked through, that didn't mean there wasn't anything in the thousands more they had yet to parse. There was one gem of wisdom the lieutenant had told Erwin a few months back, however…
"Look, I don't know how her folks raised her; I just know that everyone I know named 'Ackerman' is kinda fucked up in the head, so… I'm not saying she's gonna go on a killing spree- I'm just saying there's a precedent for it…"
Perhaps that was why Levi had been so blasé about her attacking him, why he himself was so quick to get into physical altercations over the smallest of offenses (though only when those offenses were leveled against another, never himself)- perhaps there was something about their bloodline that just made them more predisposed to violence. …perhaps Grisha Yaeger knew something about it, which was why he kept tabs on them. So many questions, but they would all have to wait.
It would take many hours for them to go through the mountains and get back to Trost, hours spent running through Titan territory, and Ilse Langner was the shining example of what happened to someone attempting that when their luck ran out. They would have to rely on Eren to carry them in his Titan form given that, even if Erwin knew how to transform on command and his massive Titan wasn't painfully slow, even without him actively attempting to burn anyone alive, the Colossal gave off so much heat that no one would be able to touch him without suffering serious burns. He was a weapon. A tool with no use other than inflicting mass destruction and death.
He felt a pang of guilt and pity all wrapped into one, not for himself, but for his predecessor. How could a child live with that knowledge and not go mad? Perhaps that was why they- the people beyond the Walls responsible for all of this- chose children in the first place. So they could teach them, mould them into obedient little killers who didn't think what they were doing was wrong. Erwin longed to get his hand on just one of those journals, to skim through its pages just to see if anything about the Armored or Colossal or Beast Titans stood out. Levi marched in silence, locking his arms around the books just a little tighter, as though he could sense Erwin's hungry gaze.
They walked across the blood-soaked plains, those who had missed the carnage visibly horrified by what they now saw. For a moment, Eren froze, his eyes darting frantically between the macerated chunks of meat and shattered bones, but something hard seemed to slip over his face, a mask of antipathy. Flies had already begun to swarm, black clouds rising only to once more descend upon the feast laid out before them as the Survey Corps trudged through the killing field. By the time they returned, the meat would be gone, those hands and faces that were so cherished once upon a time reduced to nothing but fragments of discolored bone.
Erwin did not look down, purposefully ignored the sound of the red mud sucking his boots in with every step. Ninety one death certificates to fill out. Ninety one condolence letters to write, though possibly fewer. Not a single scoop of ash to return, there weren't even any bones… It was well past midday by the time they returned to the foot of the mountains; they had a few more hours until the sun actually set, and it was decided they would use that time to rest. The trees provided shade and cover, obstacles to impede the attacks of any wayward Titans as well as anchor points for their ODM gear (Erwin's had been where he dropped it, buried under a thick layer of plaster and splintered wood but still intact, although dismally lacking fuel).
Levi insisted he stand watch, but Erwin would have none of it. The man had been fighting almost nonstop since they'd arrived in Shiganshina; the fact that a teenager could not only get the drop on him but bring him to heel was proof of how utterly exhausted he was, but Levi was nothing if not stubborn. He would continue pushing himself until he dropped dead on the spot, and now more than ever the Survey Corps needed his strength and skill… and loyalty. So Erwin did something he truly hated and explicitly ordered his lieutenant to rest. For a moment, the shorter man froze; it was difficult to see his face in the cool shade, but his lips seemed to be twitching, as though he were fighting back a snarl.
"I'm sorry, Levi," Erwin told him a low, sincerely apologetic voice. "It's for your own good. Go sit down."
"I'm gonna cut your fucking tongue out, Erwin…" Levi hissed even as he turned on his heel and headed over to one of the trees, sliding down and resting his back against the trunk.
"You know it'll just grow back, right?"
"We'll see about that…" He trailed off, muttering something to himself that sounded suspiciously like bushy-eyebrowed motherfucker…
Hange sat down beside him, laying their jacket down on the forest floor and using it as a pillow. Slowly, the small band of soldiers followed suit. The air was filled with a tense, mournful silence, the way it usually was when the Survey Corps returned from their overnight missions. This time, there was no separate corner for the injured and dying to be pushed into, no guards sent out with guns to protect the wagons piled high with the dead… it felt more like the overnight missions in the Training Corps, which basically amounted to taxpayer-funded camping trips. There was nothing for him to check on, no base for him to pace around, no plans for him to go over…
Erwin was exhausted, too, but it was that strange kind of exhaustion that he usually only experienced after being awake for two days straight, the kind of exhaustion where his body felt sluggish and heavy, but his mind was overly alert. Stupid Levi's stupid head had fallen forward, his chin resting against his chest, but his stupid arms were still wrapped around those journals. Of all the times to have nothing to occupy his mind with…
…humanity enjoys a refined existence… humanity has not perished…
He'd fallen into an almost trance-like state, wondering how light could be captured on a piece of paper, when he heard it. A faint sniffle, followed by another. He heard no disturbances in the distance, no breaking branches or birds flying off, so he turned his full attention to those sorrowful sounds. It wasn't Eren this time- regardless of whether or not he was sleeping, he was at least quiet. For all the crying he'd done earlier, Forster's tears had yet to dry up. That was unsurprising- for as horrible as it had been, this was only his first mission, after all. Just a taste of what was to come.
"Floch. How are you holding up?" The boy stiffened. That on its own wouldn't have been unusual; very few people liked being caught unawares in their moments of weakness, even less so by someone ranked so far above them. Erwin hadn't spoken to any of his soldiers like this after a mission in, what? Five, six years? Certainly not since he'd taken on the mantle of "Commander"- this was a captain's job, but… there were no more captains, and Floch wasn't a part of either Levi's or Hange's squad, so they wouldn't… No, it hadn't been the way he stiffened that caught Erwin's attention, but the way he immediately shifted, his cloak moving as he put something under it.
"I… I'm fine…" The older man shook his head.
"No, you're not." He stepped in front of the recruit, kneeling in front of him, sharp cerulean eyes immediately honing in on the small lump under the dark green cloak. "What are you hiding?" The anger, the pure unadulterated loathing that crossed Floch's face was almost terrifying, but it quickly fizzled out, the way that kind of anger always did, revealing the misery that lay at the heart of it. Bowing his head, his lip quivering slightly, he slowly lowered his hands, and Erwin didn't even try to keep the pity from his voice. "Oh, Floch…"
"I know it's stupid," he ground out through gritted teeth, his grip on the mangled, dismembered fingers growing tighter, "but… I think… I think it was Claude… He… he was my roommate… he transferred from the Garrison with me… he told me about his parents… his little sister…" He looked up, tears washing over his cheeks with every blink. "I know it's not gonna change anything… I know it's just sentimental bullshit, but… they deserve to have something…!" He drew his knees to his chest and laid his head on them, sobbing as quietly as he could. As Erwin slowly lowered himself to sit on the cool ground, he almost didn't hear the boy's muffled words, "I'm not you… I'm weak… I'm still human…"
"…there's nothing weak about being human, Floch. And there's nothing 'stupid' about what you're doing. I used to do the same thing…" He tilted his head back, staring up at the faint light shining through the canopy. "Half of the time of our expeditions beyond Wall Maria was spent just picking up remains of our fallen brothers and sisters. There was nothing more painful, more shameful, than leaving them out there."
"…but you stopped. No one… no one stopped to even look at those bodies… no one cared who they were stepping over… Eren and Mikasa were ready to damn us all to save Armin, but they didn't bat an eye trampling on what was left of Marlowe or Sandra or Ryan because those weren't their friends…" He sniffled again, raising his head slightly, just enough for Erwin to see that those dark brown eyes were locked on him with an almost predatory gleam. "…and neither did you."
"No," he acquiesced, "I didn't. I'll see the fallen enough when I have to go through each and every one of their files and mark them as 'deceased'. I'll see their names while I'm filing their death certificates, and while I'm writing condolence letters to their next of kin. I won't play coy and pretend that I don't know why you despise me… but don't think for a moment that I don't regret every single death that has happened. Not just on this mission, not just since I was named Commander, but since I joined the Survey Corps and realized, like you, just how cruel and horrifying this world is." The boy looked away, his expression still dark, but just like before, it seemed his anger and hatred had turned away from Erwin and onto… something else.
"…you're going to save us, right, Commander Erwin? From the Beast Titan… from all of our enemies?" He was supposed to retire. He'd promised Thomasin- all he'd wanted was proof. Humanity enjoys a refined existence beyond the Walls, where they could capture a moment in light and imprint it on a piece of paper… The world was so big beyond the Walls, but there was someone within them waiting for him…
"I'm going to do everything in my power to keep humanity safe." He shrugged out of his jacket, handing it to Floch. "Wrap that up," he said, nodding to the hand dangling from his grasp. "You don't want to get sick trying to do something nice." He climbed back to his feet, brushing the detritus from his pants and heading deeper into the woods to ensure that at least part of their path remained clear.
You're going to save us, right, Commander Erwin…?
…how the hell was he supposed to save anyone? He didn't even know what they were fighting against. For everything he had learned, he truly knew so very little…
~o0o~
It was impossible to know how late it was by the time the flaming braziers atop Wall Rose came into view, but it was dark, the moon still completely blacked out. Too dark for any standard flares to be seen. Most of their supplies had been untouched by the Beast Titans attacks, the now demolished homes shielding their saddlebags from most of the stones. The flares filled with white phosphorous, colloquially called "White Stars", had fallen out of use almost fifty years ago, back when the Survey Corps stopped taking on escort missions within the Walls, leaving that to the Military Police (or more accurately, the Garrison under the command of the Military Police).
Beyond the Walls, it was too great of a risk, potentially drawing Titans to their location, but in this one extremely specific circumstance, they were absolutely necessary. The Garrison soldiers atop the Wall wouldn't be familiar with Eren's Titan form; they'd see a Titan running towards them and open fire. Levi loaded the canister into their one remaining signal gun, covering his eyes as best he could when he fired it off. A brilliant flash and the sky lit up, bright as dawn… Erwin only saw it as a flash of red behind his closed eyelids. The moment he heard the "pop" and smelled the gunpowder, he was back on his horse, back on that field, a wall of green smoke-
The rock
The pain
"Hey! Calm down, Floch! It's alright…" Erwin opened his eyes. Those terrified whimpers weren't coming from him, thank god… Jean was trying to calm the newest recruit, who had dropped his ODM handles in his fear, more concerned with covering his head with his shaking hands than ensuring he didn't fall off Eren's shoulder.
" 's coming… 's coming… we're all gonna die…!"
"No, we aren't, Forster," Levi said in that gentle-but-not-at-all-gentle way he had of speaking sometimes. "We're almost back to Trost, and I expressly forbid anyone from dying now."
As cruel as it was, Erwin was grateful everyone was distracted by Floch's panic. He didn't need anyone seeing how badly his own hand shook, or hearing just how much difficulty he was having catching his breath. 'It's just a signal flare,' he told himself as the Wall loomed larger. 'You use them all the time. Nothing's changed- there's nothing to be afraid of, so stop being afraid, you stupid piece of shit…' Several lifts had been lowered despite the fact that they could all easily squeeze into one.
As the Titan's nape split open, releasing a cloud of foul-smelling steam into the air, Erwin watched, transfixed, as Eren struggled to free himself from the Titan. Transforming twice was currently his comfortable limit; after the second transformation, his body began fusing with the Titan's. He couldn't look away as he watched those thick red fibers stretch and snap, Levi cutting through those that tugged too much at the skin.
Unconsciously, Erwin reached up, running his fingers over the soft skin below his eye, over his cheek. It felt smooth to the touch, but… those same fibers had gone into his flesh, connecting his body and mind to that of a monster that killed and ate human beings indiscriminately… He couldn't bring himself to keep thinking about this. Not now.
The ride up the Wall was silent, save for the groaning and creaking of the elevator and the howling winds growing louder. But as they reached the top, they could hear it, very faint. Screaming. Cheering. There were fires dotting the ground below, some for light, some for cooking. A party. A celebration. A hero's welcome.
"…I think I'm gonna be sick…" Levi muttered.
"Oh god…" Connie leaned against the winch, breathing hard. "Oh god, what are they gonna do when they see that we're the only ones left…!?"
"They're going to stop cheering," Erwin told him, and the rest of his Scouts, calmly. "They're going to fall silent… and then they're going to start muttering to one another… and you're going to ignore all of it." He turned to face his soldiers. "Because nothing these people think or say is of any import. They don't know what we've endured. They will never understand the grief and horror we have lived through. Don't let their silence or their muttering or their insults hurt you. You are heroes, all of you. You are the bravest people within these Walls. Be proud of yourselves, and each other, and wear that pride like armor."
He had to lead by example, for if he appeared incomposed or weary or anywhere as close to breaking down as he truly was, his Scouts would crumble behind him. So Erwin inhaled deeply, standing tall, his shoulders back and head held high as he stepped onto the other lift. Hange and Levi stood beside him, and the rest of his soldiers soon joined them. The cheers were already deafening before they were even halfway down, but as the crowd slowly realized that only one lift was descending, those cheers grew fainter and fainter, and by the time they touched down on the street, the confused muttering had already begun rippling out.
The crowd parted as the Garrison soldiers unlocked the lift gate, making way for the heads of the military, led by the Premier. There were more than he'd been expecting, Commanders Jones and Harwin amongst them. The moment he spotted Erwin, Nile's entire body relaxed, a wide, relieved smile on his face. There was no way he didn't notice the lack of other soldiers- it just didn't matter to him. The one person he cared about had returned, and that was enough for him.
I am always here for you. I will always be on your side. As long as you come back from a mission- even if you are the only person left alive- then that mission is a success to me. Nothing else matters…
Premier Zachary stepped forward, his face a stoic mask that had been practiced to perfection.
"Commander Erwin. Was the mission a success?"
"Yes, sir." He inhaled deeply and spoke loudly enough so most everyone gathered around could hear. "Both gates of Wall Maria have been sealed! The Armored Titan has been executed, and the Colossal is safely in our custody! Humanity has pushed back against the Titans… and won!" The silence stretched out for a breath that lasted an eternity… and then the cheers erupted once more.
"They did it!"
"Humanity finally won!"
"Commander!"
"We can go home!"
"They're finally dead!"
"Commander Erwin!" It was almost impossible to make one voice out from another in the din, but it was a far easier task to spot a Zacharias in a crowd. Erwin frowned as the massive carpenter pushed his way through the crush.
"Mr. Zacharias? What is it?" The older man was amongst one of the only people not laughing or sobbing with relief. His was a concern that bordered on terrified. He bent slightly so he could speak as lowly as he could while still being audible.
"I'm sorry, Commander- I know you're busy an' whatnot, but you need t' come with me. It's real important."
"What is it? What's wrong?" He leaned in closer, his voice dropping down to a whisper.
"It's yer wife. She- she ain't well…" Erwin's blood froze in his veins, visions of Thomasin collapsing, lying lifeless on the bathroom floor, interspersed with memories of his screaming, sobbing soldiers, crushed to pulp and torn limb from limb. He was spinning- the world was spinning- everything was spinning-
"Erwin?" He felt someone touch his arm, and he desperately reached out, grasping for the nearest solid object before he collapsed. His hand fell on Levi's shoulder, slender, almost sloped, but so thankfully strong. He squeezed the flesh through the layers of cloth and relaxed a hair as he felt the coils of thick muscle give ever so slightly. Strong. Solid. A rock to cling to as the darkness encroaching on the edges of his vision threatened to consume him. Hange's voice sounded far away.
"Erwin? What's wrong?" He turned to face their direction.
"Hange. I- I need you to take over for now."
"What?!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, just- just tell the Premier what happened, and if any reporters start asking questions, tell them to fuck off; I'll deal with them in the morning."
"But-!"
"I'm sorry! I have to go- it's Thomasin, I- I have to go!"
"Erwin!"
If they were still protesting his sudden departure, he didn't hear it. He didn't hear anything but the deafening cheers and screams and the blood rushing in his ears. The crowd pushed against him from all sides, the heat and pressure very nearly overwhelming- it was like wading through tar. He could barely walk, but he continued moving forward, knocking aside anyone who impeded his progress too much, keeping his eyes glued on Mr. Zacharias' back, the same way he used to follow his nephew almost two decades ago. It felt like it took hours for them to finally get onto a somewhat empty street. Their boots scuffing along the cobblestones were louder than the voices at the Wall, and Erwin finally found his voice.
"Where are we going? What happened to Thomasin?"
"We're goin' to the Garrison hospital. I- I don' know what happened to the' lass, Commander- I only know what I saw." He slowed his long stride- it clearly ran in the family- just enough for Erwin to catch up on his weak, unsteady legs. "I was closin' up the' shop for the day when I saw her. Almost didn't. First glance, I thought she were garbage- I don' mean no offense, Commander; she was in the alley where I usually throw th' wood scraps." Erwin could barely comprehend what the man was saying- it was as though he were speaking another language.
"Wh-what was she doing there?"
"I don' know. I figured she was headin' t' the' Wall t' wait for you, like everyone else. Maybe she was tryna' take a shortcut or somethin', I don' know. All I know is I tried wakin' her up, but she was out cold. She'd been throwin' up, and wasn't breathing too good, so I picked her up and ran her to th' Garrison hospital."
"Did they- did they know what was wrong with her? They treated her, right!?" He couldn't see the older man's face- it was dark and his head was swimming so badly that it was all he could do to concentrate on the road beneath his feet- but he could hear his voice, a bitter anger creeping into his words.
"They'd better have. They tried t' shut the door in my face, some horse shit 'bout 'this is a military hospital- we don' treat civilians', an' when I told their asses she was a Scout, they got on their shit again- 'then she needs to go back to the Survey Corps headquarters'. Some reedy lil' beanstalk got an ounce o' power and think his shit don' stink… I told 'im I'd snap his lil' chicken-neck in half as a warm-up for what the commander of the Survey Corps was fixin' to do to their asses if they didn't do something t' help his wife. That scared 'em enough to take her in, but…" The anger in his voice died down. "I don' know nothin' 'bout medicine or doctors or all that nonsense. They told me t' leave, and I didn't wanna piss 'em off anymore than I already did."
"Thank you," Erwin gasped out as they finally reached the building beside the warehouse. Even after five months, there was still scaffolding in places where the repairs weren't yet complete. "Thank you for helping her, Mr. Zacharias."
"Nah, don' thank me; y'all need t' be thankin' Mike. I never look in that alley unless I'm tossin' somethin' out. I know it was him who guided me there. I'mma leave you now, Commander. I'm prayin' for the lass."
"…thank you." Erwin didn't wait for him to leave, jogging up the steps, barely feeling the pain explode in his shin as he stumbled and bashed it against a sharp stone edge. The door was locked. What kind of fucking hospital locked their doors!? He pounded on the newly installed door as fast and hard as he could, wondering what would give first- the wood or his skin. He would never receive his answer as voices behind the barrier grew louder.
"-the fuck is it this time…?" The lock clicked and the door swung open, a rather annoyed Garrison soldier meeting him. "This isn't a civilian hospital; go-" The soldier's eyes landed upon the emerald at his throat before slowly creeping up to his face. "C-Commander Erwin…! What-?"
"My wife was brought here- where is she!?" The Garrison's mouth slowly fell open as horror drained the color from his face.
"…you really are married…?"
"Yes!" Another voice called out from somewhere further in the building.
"Who is it?"
"It's the Survey Corps commander- that really is his wife!"
"Oh, fuck… Dr. Grant?!" Erwin roughly pushed the soldier blocking his way aside, storming into the building.
"Where is she!? What did you do to her!?" A woman wearing the same blue dress and tan jacket that served as Thomasin's uniform trotted up to him, affecting the kind of nervous smile one adopted around a dog they weren't sure was vicious or not.
"Sh-she's resting in one of our beds, Commander. We… we didn't know she was so esteemed; if we had, we, uh… we would have transferred her to a more, um… a better-equipped hospital up north-"
"I. Want. To see her." The nurse swallowed hard and nodded.
"Uh… th-this way, Commander…"
Their boots echoed on the tiles. Most of them were cracked, and those that weren't were a completely different color. They didn't walk for very long before they reached an area similar to the Survey Corps' own sick bay. Rows of beds were lined up along either wall, thin curtains all the privacy their occupants were afforded. A man wearing the smock and gloves of a medic approached from the direction they had come, stopping them just as the nurse began opening the curtain.
"You can go, Charlene- I'll take over from here."
"Y-yes, Doctor." The nurse walked back to the main hall as quickly as she could without breaking into a run.
"Commander Erwin, I'm Doctor-"
"Your name means nothing to me," he snapped, yanking back the curtain the nurse had been reaching for. His heart stopped as he stared at the figure lying completely still on the bed… and only when he saw her chest rise ever so slightly, did it beat once more. He rushed over to her, dropping to his knees beside the bed. "Thomasin… Thomasin, wake up… Can you hear me? It's Erwin. I came back just like I said- look; I even came back early…!" She was wearing the same dress she'd been wearing when he left that morning, the dress she'd worn the day before when Levi dragged her in past midnight. Not so much as an eyelid twitched- his only response was a faint, gurgling breath.
"She isn't going to respond, Commander. She doesn't respond to any outside stimuli but pain, presently."
"What's wrong with her!?" He demanded, his fury localized to his voice as he tenderly took her right hand, twining his fingers with hers. He prayed that his Titan blood was making him feel hotter than usual, because she was so cold, her palm clammy. It had to be a trick of the glowstone lamps, making her nail beds look blue like that…
"I'm afraid we don't know. When she was brought in, we were told she'd been found unconscious in an alley, covered in vomit, so we naturally assumed it was a drug overdose-"
"My wife is not a drug addict!" He had to stop himself from squeezing her hand, from hurting her anymore than he already had. "She's pregnant- she has morning sickness!" The doctor's eyes widened.
"…I'm afraid we didn't know that. Not knowing who we were dealing with, we had no way of knowing… No, this is not the time for excuses. We'll have your wife transferred to a better-equipped clinic immediately, Commander." He turned and called out into the Hall. "David! Jason! Bring the stretcher!"
"But… what's wrong with her?"
"I'm afraid I can't know. I mostly treat broken bones and lacerations. When most soldiers present with vomiting, it's usually food poisoning, alcohol poisoning, or drug poisoning. We gave her two doses of charcoal assuming it was one of those, but there are all manner of maladies unique to the fairer sex, to say nothing of when they're expecting. There are specialists in Ehrmich; I am certain there will be no effort spared in ensuring a Hero of Humanity's wife receives the proper treatment."
Most of the doctor's words went in one ear and out the other as Erwin stared at Thomasin. Under the harsh blue light, she looked practically corpse-like, her eyes and usually full cheeks sunken in, her rich complexion washed out and sallow. Every breath was so shallow and sounded so weak, her jaw slack enough to hang slightly open. He barely even noticed the other soldiers approach until one of them had stepped beside him.
"Uh… sorry, Commander- you need to move." Reluctantly, he got to his feet, even more reluctant to let her hand slip from his. The soldiers were rather gentle as they shifted her onto the canvas stretcher (hopefully, that wasn't only because he was there watching). With the thin, rough blanket no longer covering her, he could see her bare foot and the empty space beside it.
"Her- her leg; her prosthesis- where is it? She- she needs it, she… I… I have to go with her…" He tried to follow as the soldiers grabbed either end of the stretcher and lifted her, carrying her further into the back of the hospital. The doctor put a hand on his chest to stop him. Erwin could have sent him flying with a well-placed shove, but in that moment, that single hand was enough to stop him dead.
"I assure you, Commander, she will be in the best of hands-"
"What, your hands? The hands that would've let her die if she hadn't been married to the right person!? I have to go with her!" In response to his rising volume, the doctor lowered his voice.
"Commander Erwin, you are in a hospital; show some decorum. You have every right to be upset, but I'm afraid that in this instance, that will do more harm than good. I know you are worried, and I know it is your job to be there for your soldiers, but right now, you would only be in the way. We will contact you the moment Mrs. Smith is settled in Ehrmich, and even sooner if there's a change in her condition before then." The doctor moved his hand to Erwin's shoulder. "The best thing you can do for your wife at the moment is to remain calm, and continue working hard to ensure that humanity is safe when she awakens."
The doctor moved to the other side of the bed, stooping and grabbing something, handing it to Erwin. The belts clinked softly as he took the heavy prosthetic under his arm. He rubbed his thumb over the wood, noticing little else around him as he turned and began walking back the way he'd come. The wood had taken on an almost velvety texture from the years of waxing and polishing. The best thing he could do to help Thomasin was to stay away from her.
I would die from worry if I couldn't do anything for you but hold your hand…
He couldn't even do that.
~o0o~
The streets were even more crowded than before as he made his way to the Survey Corps' headquarters. Word of their victory had spread, and would continue to spread until it reached the distant corners of the Walls, and by morning, all of humanity would be celebrating this glorious triumph. They would drink and sing and dance, a party that all of humanity was invited to, and the people whose loved ones had gone down to Shiganshina would wait with bated breath that would eventually be released in a gasp or curse or wail when they realized what the price of all this joy truly was. Dark as it was, and without his cloak or jacket, the people Erwin passed didn't seem to recognize him as anything other a random, generic soldier. They didn't know who he was, so he felt no shame in pushing away anyone whose friendly attempts to drag him into their revelry got too persistent.
He'd walked from the Garrison headquarters back to his own base plenty of times- it rarely took longer than fifteen minutes, so why now had he been walking for what felt like hours only to have that blue tile roof come no closer? He was on the verge of giving up, of simply laying down in the middle of the road and letting the oblivious merrymakers trample him, when he finally noticed that the iron gates were closer than they had been. It took all of his strength, all of his willpower, to push himself the remaining steps necessary to enter the base.
Erwin leaned against the door as it closed behind him, sliding down it and sitting heavily on the floor. His legs stretched out in front of him, he laid the heavy wooden apparatus across his lap, rubbing one of the worn leather belts between his fingers. Everything felt incorporeal, dream-like, as though nothing were real. But things had to be real; he could feel the cold tile beneath him, the hard wood behind him, the soft leather in his hand… He'd come through one nightmare whole, and found another waiting for him on the other side… Well-polished boots squeaked a bit as they came to a halt in front of him.
"Levi said you came back, but I didn't believe him. He didn't even look out the window; his head just perked up like a dog's. I guess he heard you…" Nile shifted his weight from one foot to the other, hesitating before stepping closer. He too slid down the door, far slower than Erwin had, and with a fair bit more discomfort, but he finally managed to take a seat beside him. Erwin didn't look up from the prosthetic in his lap, only seeing the other man from his periphery. He was still wearing his dress greens, but the overcoat had been unbuttoned, revealing the uniform beneath. He shifted, moving a white box to his lap. "What… what happened? To Lind- Thomasin? Is she…?" He trailed off.
"She's… alive. She's in the hospital. She's unconscious."
"Well, she's alive, that's- that's good."
"…what if she dies-"
"Erwin." Nile reached out, grabbing his shoulder and squeezing it. "Come on, man. Titans couldn't kill her. Interior MPs couldn't kill her. Whatever this is, i-it's just a hiccup." He paused, hesitating for only a moment before speaking in a lower, more somber tone. "…Marie had preeclampsia when she was pregnant with Gretchen- it's a lot scarier than it sounds, and I was terrified constantly- you know she's a delicate little thing; she can barely open jars on her own- but… she came through the other side whole and with a beautiful baby girl, so… do you really think a Scout can be laid low so easily?" Erwin shook his head slightly.
"Thomasin's not a Scout…"
"Yeah, she is. You said so yourself; 'the Wings of Freedom aren't clipped that easily', or some shit. Only someone with nerves of steel and balls of brass would willingly follow a delusional lunatic like you out beyond the Walls. The kind of person who fights Titans is the kind of person who's going to fight any illness they have with everything they have." Nile reached up, grabbing the back of Erwin's head (not nearly as hard as Levi had), turning him to face him.
"Listen to me. Thomasin's going to be fine. You're going to be fine. Everything's going to be fine, and one day, you're both going to look back on this and laugh." Erwin remained silent for a long time, his thoughts so jumbled that it was impossible to parse them. When he finally found his voice, the only thing he could say aloud was that old question from his childhood, the start of all his problems…
"How do you know?" Nile pressed his lips together as he thought hard about his answer.
"Honestly? …because you're Erwin Smith. Everything always turns out fine for you." The dark-haired man sighed and leaned his head back against the door, staring up at the cracked plaster ceiling. "When I first joined the MPs, I was horrified by the incompetence around me, constantly wondering how these idiots didn't get fired, and my captain told me, 'God looks out for children and idiots'. And since then, every time I've caught wind of or seen the stupid shit you do, I think about that.
Every stupid thing you've ever done has panned out. Every stupid thing you've ever said has been right. And yeah, maybe everyone else has to suffer the consequences of that, but it's like there's a bubble around you that shields you from the negative impact of the shit you do, and I think if anyone would be able to squeeze themselves into that bubble, it would be the woman you've been in love with for the past ten years. I have more faith that, if the entire world burned to the ground, you two would be unscathed than I do in the sun rising in the morning."
Erwin's fist tightened around the belt, the buckle digging into his palm. He squeezed tighter, for as much as it hurt, the pain was like a splash of cold water, helping him focus on something other than his racing thoughts. He knew Nile was lying to him. He couldn't have seen the horrors of the world and come out believing that things would be alright "just because", but he understood and appreciated that his old friend was trying to calm him down. There was nothing he could do at the moment, and worrying would only stop him from acting when he could do something. He leaned his head back as well.
"…if you know I'm always right, why do you still refuse to believe me about people living beyond the Walls?" Nile sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth.
"Yeeeaaah… about that…" Pulling his hand back, he opened the box on his lap and pulled out its contents. Erwin was so taken aback that, if only for a few blissful seconds, he forgot about all the horrible things piling up, waiting to crush him.
"What the- what the hell am I looking at?"
"Uh, it's a hat, you uncouth peasant. It's very stylish, and it cost me more money than I ever imagined I'd be spending on you."
"It's made of cake!"
"No? It's made of bread, idiot. Obviously. I'm not eating a whole-ass cake by myself." It was a rather large loaf, styled in the shape of a bowler hat, completely with a brim and band of what looked like rye wrapped around it. Erwin grabbed it from him, flipping it over, his jaw falling slack.
"It's hollow. It's actually a hat…"
"Yeah," Nile agreed, grabbing it back and taking a bite of the brim. He continued speaking through a full mouth. "I told you I'd eat my hat if you brought back proof, and I am a man of my word." He swallowed. "I'm not eating felt- that shit's made with poison."
"You… you brought this with you to Trost; you had this made before we even left."
"Yeah. I told you; every stupid thing you've ever said has been right. You were right about the king, you were right about the government, hell- you were right about the Titans! Ever since we were cadets, you've been freaking out over the fact that they look like people. If you were right about everything else… I figured it was a safe bet to assume you were right about this, too. You know what else is a safe bet?" Erwin shook his head, and Nile leaned closer, lowering his voice almost conspiratorially. "Assuming that, no matter what happens or how bad it seems, not only are you gonna be okay, but you're also gonna think of some genius plan to make everything else okay, too. Because that's what you do."
"…but what if I don't," he asked in a small voice.
"Did you think like that about proving your dad right?"
"…sometimes."
"Did you let that stop you?" He shook his head. "Okay, so why would you let it stop you now? I promise you, things are going to be fine." Nile broke off a piece of the crusty section of the brim, the sweet scent of fresh bread filling the air, and handed it to Erwin. "You want some of my hat? It's really good."
The mental and physical exhaustion combined with the absurdity of it all left him wheezing with laughter, leaning heavily against the other man as he tore off a chunk of bread with his teeth. It would be a shame to let it go to waste, after all.
000000000
The knocking must have been going on for a while before he came to. It wasn't the frequency of the knocks themselves that clued him in on that fact, but the tone of the stream of curses flowing from Levi's mouth.
"Erwin! Erwin! I know damn well your shits don't take that long! There's no way in hell you don't fucking hear me; I swear to god, I'm gonna break down this motherfucking door if you don't-"
"I'm up! I'm up, god damn, just wait…" He hadn't even made it to his bedroom, collapsing on his couch and falling asleep still fully dressed, boots and all. Dragging his feet, and not bothering to cover the massive yawn spilling from his lips, he opened the door to reveal his lieutenant in a clean, freshly ironed uniform. Levi recoiled, covering his nose immediately.
"You fucking reek. Have you seriously not changed your clothes yet?" He had not. A solid twenty four hours of marinating in blood and sweat, and the smell was even starting to reach him, but…
"I was a bit preoccupied last night."
"Yeah, I know- I saw you giggling and having a doily princess tea party with Dok." Levi pushed him out of the way, inviting himself in and divesting the things he held onto Erwin's desk. Cerulean eyes immediately went to the three leatherbound journals. "Hange filled Zachary in on what that picture said and about your whole… deal, but he still wants to talk to you about it. I kept those books in my office last night- I figured you'd lose your shit if anyone read them before you did. I have Mikasa and Eren quarantined in two of the empty officers' rooms until you have time to deal with them, which probably won't be for a while because there's about a dozen reporters waiting outside the gates to talk to you. I feel like I'm forgetting something… Oh." He reached in his breast pocket, pulling out a letter. It seemed Levi had folded it in half to make it fit, cracking but not completely breaking the wax seal in the process.
"This came from the Garrison about twenty minutes ago." Any lingering grogginess vanished in an instant as Erwin all but snatched the letter away, rifling through his drawers for his letter opener. There may have been a more elegant way to slit the paper one-handed, but his barely awakened mind was quickly working itself into a lather, so he opted to hold the letter in place with his knee as he worked the blade under the flap, leaving a somewhat messy cut that worked well enough. Levi winced as he let the envelope fall to the floor, but messes were the furthest thing from his mind.
His chest was so tight it hurt as he read, immediately scouring the letter for the words he was most afraid to see. Died. Dead. Passed. He didn't spot any of them, so his eyes returned once more to the top and he actually began taking in what was written. It took two passes before he'd calmed enough to breathe freely, his lungs burning from holding his breath for so long. Having picked up the fallen envelope, Levi straightened, regarding him with something that bordered on open concern.
"What's with that face?" Sighing, Erwin sat on the corner of his desk, his entire body slumping; he'd just woken up, but he felt so tired.
"Thomasin…" The sound of paper crumpling was so faint, he almost didn't hear it, almost didn't see Levi's hand crushing the envelope so hard, the tendons stood out against his skin like wires. His voice was completely nonchalant.
"What, did she spend all night harassing Pixis? Telling him his worthless ass should've been in Shiganshina sealing the gate instead of you?"
-in there, wake his ass up… -what happened-
His tone now was almost the same as it had been the other night, when he'd dragged Thomasin back home from… somewhere. A calm tinged with exasperation that his shaking hand belied. Erwin tucked that discrepancy away to be dealt with when he had the time.
"No. She was very ill last night. Mike's uncle came across her and brought her to the Garrison hospital. They transferred her to Ehrmich." He held up the letter. "They've just sent word that she's doing a bit better, but still isn't completely responsive." Levi's eyes seemed to glaze over as he spoke, his whole face going uncannily still the way it did some times after missions with particularly high death tolls. "…Levi?" The shorter man blinked, but his eyes still remained unfocused, or rather, focused on something very far away.
"…I don't know if you wanna deal with those books or the brats first, but you need to shower and change your clothes regardless. And so does Hange; that filthy gremlin spent last night stinking up my sheets." Hange… he was ashamed to say he hadn't given them a second thought the night before.
"How are they? I know they're probably acting like they're taking things better than they are, but… what happened to their…?" He trailed off helplessly, vaguely gesturing at the left side of his own face. Levi's brows furrowed slightly, the only change in his expression.
"Their goggles shattered and the glass went in their eye. The… medics pulled most of it out and doped their ass up on painkillers, but they need to schedule an appointment with a real surgeon to get the actual eye removed… and when I say 'Hange needs to' what I really mean is 'I need to', because it seems like I'm the only person in the Survey Corps who still has their shit together." He scoffed a touch of that familiar annoyance creeping back into his voice. "What the fuck kind of upside down Hell have I wandered into…?"
"I'm sorry, Levi," Erwin said in a low voice. "I'm slacking in my duties, and the burden of all these things has fallen on you." Levi turned to leave, but paused.
"…maybe you should slack a little more."
"What?"
"You heard me. Hange, too. Fuck, maybe I should slack off, too. The three of us should just fuck off and leave those dipshit kids on their own for a few days so they can fully appreciate what it takes to operate a branch of the military. Maybe then, they'll realize that the Survey Corps isn't their personal club-"
"Levi, does this have something to do with what Eren or Mikasa said while I was incapacitated?" The shorter man remained silent. "If it bothers you that much, why didn't you tell me then? Why try to protect them?"
"…because I was them. Because if I'd had my way all those years ago, I'd have killed you, too. But then I stopped being a little bitch and realized that I was wrong; I regretted what I did that day. …they don't. Mikasa might be capable of feeling remorse if she's isolated from the negative influence that's clearly motivating her, but..."Levi looked back over his shoulder. "You can look in Eren's eyes and see that he still wishes you were dead." It should have disturbed him deeply to hear- it did, on a certain level, a professional one, but Erwin knew that if he let this bother him, it was going to drive Levi into a frenzy.
"That doesn't make him special; he can get in line."
~o0o~
Tossing his ruined uniform in the trash, Erwin found himself standing under the shower spray, staring at the steam rising around him. By now, the heat would usually be so unbearable that he would have to move away from the water, his fair skin an angry red, but as five minutes rolled over to six, the expanse of his chest had only just begun to turn a faint pink despite the constant deluge. Being resistant to heat must have been a required adaptation, considering how hot a Titan's internal temperature could get. Hange would probably be delighted when he told them- hell, they'd probably invite themselves to his next shower so they could monitor his skin themselves.
A fortunate step for Titan research. Unfortunate for him as he barely felt any of the warmth he craved. The steam choking him barely felt tepid, and when he leaned back against the tiles, he shivered violently. His mind wandered back to the previous night, how cold Thomasin's hand had felt. Erwin assumed he could feel cold just fine, maybe even more so than before (or maybe he was just being paranoid), but if he could barely feel this scalding water, maybe everything just felt colder to him. If she always felt cool to the touch to him, how could he know when she was ill and when this stupid curse was just making his life more difficult?
Those journals… Grisha had been a doctor; maybe he'd left some helpful information about how being a Titan affected his physiology. He needed to read through them, to get more information… but once he started, that would consume his life until he was done not only scouring every page several times, but recording his own notes and organizing them. And Hange needed to read them, too… and really, they had been left to Eren, but… military matters came before family matters… that was why his thoughts kept drifting back to work, any notion of retirement so far from his mind so as to not be considered in the first place. If Thomasin was awake when he went to visit her, the first thing she'd bring up would be his claims about retiring, he knew it.
I think if anyone would be able to squeeze themselves into that bubble, it would be the woman you've been in love with for the past ten years…
I'd just hoped that… one day, that selfishness would extend to me…
Groaning, he turned the water off, feeling no calmer and barely any cleaner. The tank in the basement only held so much, and he could only hide from his responsibilities for so long.
Erwin only had one spare clean uniform on base, the rest of them hanging in the closet alongside Thomasin's dresses. He needed to go home; the chickens were probably hungry and Thomasin would need a fresh change of clothes- the entire time she'd cared for him, she made sure to change his clothes every day… He moved the stack of journals to the corner of his desk before he set out, his hand lingering on the surface of the topmost one. It was a lower quality binding than the others, the leather grain not nearly so fine.
Proof.
A firsthand account of the things his father had told him all those years ago…
He wondered, briefly, if Mr. Zacharias had come to him before the mission with exactly the same message, the same urgency as last night… would he have left Hange in charge then and rushed back into the district? Would he have given up these things to hold his wife's hand in hopes that it would help her feel better?
A chill completely unrelated to the temperature ran through him, and he set off down the hall. Eren and Mikasa were both in uniform- Erwin could only assume Levi woke them up before making the rounds to the commander's office and told them what to prepare for, because neither looked even remotely surprised that they were being summoned and followed him without question or complaint. He probably should have questioned them separately, but… in all the reading he'd done over the years, he'd never come across an instance even remotely similar to this.
Intra-branch assaults were the kind of thing one would expect from the Military Police, maybe the Garrison, but never the Survey Corps. It was beyond imbecilic to attack another Scout- to not only sever the trust with someone who might one day have to decide whether or not you're worth the risk of saving, but to sow that seed of distrust among the rest of your fellow soldiers? The only suitable excuse Erwin could see was a bout of temporary insanity, and both soldiers looked sane enough to him as he took his place back behind his desk.
"Sit." He directed them to the chairs he'd moved in front of the massive mahogany barrier. Eren's movements were stiff, Mikasa's fluid. Erwin leaned back in his own seat. "So. I've already heard one side of this story from Floch; which one of you wants to present your side first?" Eren pressed himself further into the chair, his hands balling into fists on his lap. Mikasa watched his movements like a hawk, suddenly sitting straighter as she inhaled.
"This was all my doing, Commander. The lieutenant originally agreed to use the serum on Armin, and when he changed his mind, I lost my temper and tried to take it from him by force. Eren didn't do anything wrong." Erwin gave her a sardonic look.
"That's what you're going with?"
"Yes, sir."
"You know that little stunt you pulled is more than deserving of a court martial; you would give that same sequence of events under oath knowing it would lead to a death sentence?"
"Yes, sir."
"I see." He turned his attention to Eren, who was currently grinding his teeth down to nubs. "So that's what happened, Eren? You were just an innocent bystander who could only watch, helpless and impotent, as Mikasa fought to save the life of your childhood friend all by her lonesome?" The boy opened his mouth, his lips just barely moving, but whatever words he spoke were too faint to hear. "You need to speak up, Eren."
"…it should have been him…"
"Come again?"
"Armin… he should've gotten that serum, not you…" Eren looked up, his eyes shining like poison through a sheen of tears he refused to let fall. "The only reason you're alive at all is because that monster Floch wanted you to suffer."
"Eren!" Mikasa touched his arm, trying to make him stop talking, but the dam had been breached and all the anger that had been building came pouring out.
"He was going to kill you then and there, but then he realized that you didn't deserve the mercy of a quick and painless death- that's about the only smart thing that came out of his miserable fucking mouth. If there were any justice in this world, you would've had the decency to bleed to death before he found you. Armin had his whole life ahead of him- yours is almost over. How do you not feel any shame knowing that you stole a child's dreams, his chance to live-?" Erwin held his hand up to silence the boy, a headache forming in his temples.
"First of all- and this has nothing to do with anything, but… how old do you think I am, Eren? I know that to children, anyone older than them seems ancient, but I'm younger than your parents were. In your mind, does a person's life suddenly lose all meaning when they reach a certain age? Will your friend's lives be 'over' in five years? Ten years? Pray tell- by what age does a person have to accomplish their dreams before Eren Yaeger decides that those dreams no longer have any value?" The boy didn't answer him- honestly, that was for the best (Erwin was legitimately worried what his answers might have been), so he continued.
"More importantly, you are acting as though this is some devious scheme I concocted. I'm certain you will remember this better than I can, seeing as I was bleeding to death at the time, but I was too preoccupied with bleeding to death at the time to launch a smear campaign against your friend. I had no say in who received the serum; that decision was in Lieutenant Levi's hands alone." Eren had fallen silent- perhaps the proverbial head of steam he'd built up had begun cooling as his loathing was met with only stoicism and incredulity, but upon hearing the lieutenant's name, that anger sparked right back up.
"Yeah. And he said he was going to use it on Armin, but he didn't. He didn't even begin preparing the shot. You know why? He admitted it- because he was saving it for you. He had no way of knowing that you were alive, much less that Floch would find you and carry you all the way into Shiganshina, but he didn't care. He was willing to risk losing someone he knew was still clinging to life on the impossible hope that maybe you weren't dead yet." Erwin blinked, taken aback by that accusation, but ultimately just sighed.
"That… is disappointing, but not surprising…"
"Yeah. It is. I thought the lieutenant cared about all of his soldiers, but he doesn't. He only cares about you-"
"No, he doesn't-"
"-he would let all of us die to save one person, so why is it wrong that I would do the same?"
"It's not right that he did that, and I will be having a discussion with Levi later. Whether or not you personally agree with the morality of the lieutenant's decision is not the issue here, Eren; the issue is that your commanding officer made a decision that you then proceeded to impede, putting two soldiers' lives at risks, and by dragging another soldier into this petty squabble, you put another person's life at risk as well." He turned his attention back to Mikasa. "If you had actually managed to overpower and kill Levi, what would your plan have been then?"
"I didn't want to kill him; I just wanted to take the serum from him."
"You put a blade to his throat- do you deny that?"
"No, sir."
"An ultra-hardened steel blade designed to cut through Titan bones."
"Yes, sir."
"Do you know how little force it takes for a blade that sharp to sever human flesh, Mikasa?"
"…yes, sir."
"And do you know what happens when a human's throat is severed? How quickly they tend to bleed to death? I believe you should, seeing as a similar wound is what claimed your mother's life." The girl flinched, shutting her eyes tightly. Eren was already half out of his seat, infuriated.
"Don't bring her parents into this, you heartless-!"
"Eren, you seem to have a severe problem understanding exactly where your standing is. Perhaps this is in part my fault, because I encouraged this behavior from you in the past, so I'm going to take the responsibility of correcting it. You need to learn to shut your goddamn mouth. You have no standing whatsoever. I'm sure the events of the last six months might make you feel like you're a Survey Corps veteran, but you are not; you are not even an officer. You are a mediocre new recruit, nothing more." Erwin leaned forward, lowering his voice even as contempt dripped from every word.
"I am not your friend, Eren. I am not one of your peers. I am your commander. Levi is your lieutenant. It is not your place to backtalk us, or give us your opinion, or do things your way when we have a plan or issue an order. The fact that you managed to graduate basic training- much less scrape a place in the top ten- thinking this kind of behavior is tolerable is further proof that Kieth Shadis is criminally incompetent. The Survey Corps is not a group of loose canons that are free to run around and do whatever they damn well please. This is a military organization, and you will behave with the bare minimum decorum and restraint expected of a soldier, or you will be discharged.
And while I'm certain you would love the idea of being able to go off on your own as a rouge Titan hunter, don't get any clever ideas; you are neither strong nor skilled nor smart enough to go beyond Wall Maria without a legion of better soldiers watching your back. You would have died on your first mission had you not been born under a lucky star- everything useful about you came from a bottle, and that bottle is the only reason you haven't been thrown back under the Chancellery for your blatantly unrepentant insubordination."
Eren had initially met his eyes defiantly, but the moment that particular sentence left his mouth- everything useful about you came from a bottle- he flinched. It was barely noticeable, but he looked down almost immediately, as if those words struck him physically. Erwin waited for a moment, waited for the boy to immediately disregard everything he had just been told and begin arguing anew, but surprisingly, he remained silent. At least for now.
"I will be bringing this up with Premier Zachary and suggesting disciplinary actions be taken, as well as this going in your record- indiscretions committed on the battlefield are a serious offense." He turned to face the female soldier, her expression unflinching in the face of his ire. "And to that end, I will also be suggesting a harsher punishment for you, Mikasa. This is the second time you've disregarded Levi's orders, and the second time you've put him in danger with your inability to think of anyone but Eren. The Survey Corps has more than enough external threats without having to worry about whether our next casualty will come at the hands of one of our own. If you are willing to disregard orders and assault your fellow Scouts when Eren doesn't get his way, then you are nothing but a liability, and I will not put my soldiers at risk for you two to continue playing at being heroes. Have I made myself crystal clear to the both of you?"
"Yes, sir." Mikasa answered first, her tone and posture completely unperturbed, a perfect facsimile of a dutiful soldier that had probably had Shadis salivating the same way Mike used to. The only difference was, Mike actually was a good soldier, one who would never, under any circumstance, turn his blade on one of his fellow Scouts.
"Eren?" The boy's fists tightened, but he forced his hands to unclench, inhaling deeply and looking up, staring past Erwin's head rather than meet his gaze.
"…yes, sir."
"Both of you are dismissed for now. Return to the rooms Levi has assigned you to. Neither of you are to leave them for anything but meals until you are given express permission from one of your commanding officers to do so."
"Yes, sir." As they stood and headed from the room, Erwin followed them, at least as far as the door, watching them return to their individual rooms. It wasn't until both doors had closed that he allowed his rigid posture to go slack, letting out the breath he'd been holding and rubbing his eyes. Problems piled high atop a mountain of problems… Eren's scathing condemnation of Levi was creeping back to the forefront of his mind.
He only cares about you- he would let all of us die to save one person…
It was unsettling how true that statement rang, but Erwin would not take such a thing at face value. This too was only one side of the story. He needed more information, but… but first, he needed to shift his focus away from the Survey Corps for a single damn moment and fulfill his other duties. Throwing his coat over his shoulders, he grabbed the envelope, refolding it to fit in his pocket as he jogged downstairs.
~o0o~
The celebratory air in Ehrmich was far more subdued than it was in Trost, and possibly for the first time in years, Erwin found the bourgeois attitude within the district to be a breath of fresh air. People he passed on the street still recognized and thanked him, but they were far quicker to allow him to continue on his way. They did not attempt to drag him into their revelry, or buy him drinks, or ask him questions that made his stomach drop uncomfortably. Granted, most of those questions came from the journalists who, by the look of it, had probably been camping outside the Survey Corps' gates all night, waiting for the exact moment he left.
He assured them that he would answer all their questions in due time, trying to insist that he had important matters to attend to without giving them more information than he wanted in the papers. Thomasin was no shameful secret, but the last thing he wanted for either of their personal matters to be made public. He'd given so much of himself to humanity- this was his alone. It was well past noon by the time he found the hospital, a massive building of cut white stone and dozens upon dozens of shining windows. He'd passed it twice before realizing this manor wasn't a private home. He shifted the bouquet he held under his arm to turn the doorknob with his elbow. The foremost hall reminded him painfully of Lord Clemons' estate, but upon closer inspection, despite being a similar size, there was none of the gaudiness, nor the excess.
The floors were scrubbed and polished, the treads of his boots squeaking loudly with every step, but there were no busts, no paintings. Many flowers in many large vases, however, filling the hall with an almost overpowering cloying scent. There was a lone oaken desk at the end of the hall, behind which sat a woman, perhaps a bit older than him, wearing a dress similar to Thomasin's uniform (this dress was a much lighter shade of blue, terrible for hiding stains of indeterminate origin), but no jacket, no shield or insignia of any kind. This was not a military hospital staffed mostly by soldiers, but a proper one intended to treat wealthy civilians. She looked up from the stack of forms she was signing, taking in first his uniform, the Wings of Freedom on his breast, then the emerald at his throat, before finally settling on his face.
"Oh! My goodness! You must be Commander Erwin!" She smiled widely, getting to her feet. "Forgive me for not noticing you sooner, sir-"
"It's fine."
"It most certainly is not; a hero of humanity is far too busy to stand around and wait for people to do their jobs." It was all he could do not to roll his eyes- he was almost starting to miss the good old days of people hating him. He'd endured so much disdain over the years that this sudden sharp turn to adoration not only felt insincere, but made him genuinely uncomfortable at times. "Is there anything you need, sir? Are you here to schedule an appointment, or-?"
"I'm here to visit a patient. My wife." The nurse gaped at him, blinking several times.
"W-wife?"
"Yes. Thomasin Smith. She was transferred here very early this morning."
"Uhhh…" To give her credit, the nurse quickly fell back into her professionalism, her smile returning. "Of course, sir; let me look up her room number." She returned behind the desk, pulling open a drawer and rifling through a few dozen folders before pulling one out. She opened it, running her finger down the page and nodding. "She's in room 214. Please wait for one moment while I get an orderly to escort you." Replacing the folder, the nurse trotted down the hall extending beyond the desk, her high heeled shoes clattering loudly on the tiles.
Erwin winced internally. They looked horribly uncomfortable, as though the whole uniform was more for show than function. Thomasin's work shoes (or, more accurately, shoe) were a flat-heeled boot, similar to the boots standard in the military uniforms, though not nearly as tall. The Garrison hospitals required their nurses to be just as active as the soldiers. Thomasin had told him in the past that, the one time the hospital's director tried to take a note from the clinics in Wall Sina and implement a dress code that focused more on fashion (it was believed that looking at pretty nurses would improve the soldiers' morale and thus, aid in their recovery), he found that every pair of his own shoes had been stolen and replaced with the impractical heels he tried to foist onto them.
It just seemed like a silly anecdote to him back then. He'd always had so little respect for what she did, despite the fact that she probably helped more people than he ever had. Erwin wondered if the nurses and doctors and soldiers in Calaneth missed her. The nurse finally returned with what seemed to be a doctor in tow. He quickened his pace, extending his hand with a wide smile.
"Commander. I'm Dr. Jessep; I'm the physician who's been treating your wife." Erwin looked down at the proffered hand and sighed quietly, offering his own hand. His left hand. It took a moment for the older man to realize his mistake, but when he did, he quickly shifted to his own left hand. "Forgive me; not the best foot to start off on."
"It's fine, Doctor. May I see my wife now?"
"Of course. Follow me- we can discuss her case." There were two staircases on either side of the hall, and Dr. Jessep led him up the right one.
"The letter I received said she regained consciousness?"
"Somewhat," the doctor clarified. "She isn't fully conscious yet. She reacts to noxious stimuli- pain, loud noises, et cetera- but she doesn't seem aware of her surroundings or capable of communicating yet, nor can she maintain consciousness." He looked back at Erwin with a slight, but reassuring smile. "But this is a very good sign, Commander. For her to be showing signs of improvement so fast most likely means that whatever is wrong with her is simply an acute illness that she can hopefully recover from quickly."
That was undeniably good, but that knowledge did little to quell the erratic pulsing in his chest as they stepped onto the landing. The hall was quite wide, with most rooms along the outer wall. There were also many vases filled with flowers between the doors, but up here, their sweet scent didn't completely cover the underlying pungent stench of bodily fluids or the sour vinegar used to clean the floors.
"What-" His voice caught in his throat and he had to breathe a few times before he could speak with his usual effortless precision. "What about the baby? You were told that she's pregnant, yes?" The doctor's hesitation was so subtle that anyone whose life didn't depend on noticing any and all abnormalities probably wouldn't have noticed.
"Yes, Commander, Dr. Grant did send over a file informing us of that. Unfortunately, we have no midwives on staff, though we have sent for one. At the moment, there doesn't seem to be any trauma or adverse effects to the womb- no bleeding or contractions- so presently, everything seems to be alright on that front, and we will ensure that it remains so. Humanity will always need new heroes, after all." Erwin had to cover his mouth to keep the bile on his tongue from splattering all over the hospital's nice clean floor. A new generation of heroes. A new generation of screaming, sobbing children to be crushed into bloody paste and shattered bones. He could just sire himself an army. The doctor was still talking, but he barely heard him over the sound of blood pumping in his ears. "-keep an eye out for any additional aspiration, but given that she's young and otherwise healthy, it shouldn't be that serious of an issue." The man stopped before one of the rooms, lowering his voice as he placed his hand on the brass knob. "If she opens her eyes but doesn't seem responsive, that's perfectly normal- it's just a reflex. You can leave the flowers on the chair when you leave; one of the nurses will bring a vase for them."
Erwin nodded silently, his earlier disgust still leaving a bitter taste on his tongue. He slipped inside the room, the door closing quietly behind him. The last time he'd been in a room like this had been fifteen years ago… This one wasn't furnished much more than the Garrison's sick bay, but unlike that small, oppressively cloistered room, there was a large window opposite the door in this one, thrown open, the curtains pulled back to allow a cool breeze to circulate.
Frowning, he approached them, setting the bouquet on the small table beside the basin and pitcher. Pulling the drawstring, he closed the curtains. They were thin enough that light still passed through, but at the very least, it was a softer, more diffused light. Thomasin would have a fit if he'd been exposed to blinding light the moment he awoke, and rightfully so.
Erwin still remembered how close to the cusp of death he'd felt after only a few days of unconsciousness; having mid-day sunbeams driven directly into his eyes would have ended him as surely as a sword. He would need to talk to the nurses, ask them to put up thicker, or at least darker, curtains when he left. Sighing deeply, he stopped fiddling with the tasseled pull, pulling the only chair in the room closer to the bed and sitting heavily. Thomasin was sitting more than laying down, multiple pillows stacked behind her back. He could still hear that faint gurgling with every breath she took, but those breaths sounded less pained. To mitigate the cool breeze, they'd piled several blankets atop her, although given her current position, they had fallen down around her stomach.
He reached for her hand, frowning slightly as he noticed the bandages wrapped tightly around her fingers, the wooden splint poking out just beyond their tips. He remembered seeing them bruised, swollen, the day he left, and recalled seeing those exact same fingers wrapped and splinted years ago. They got caught in the door, she'd said. Because the door stuck, she'd said. The door in Trost opened buttery smooth- she'd oiled the hinges herself. Maybe the cabinets stuck a bit, but how could one get their fingers caught in a cabinet door?
His attention had been so focused on the contrast of those stark white bandages against her dusky skin that he almost didn't notice it at first. Or maybe he did notice it, and his mind just rebelled against the thought. It was just so wrong, so as to go against nature. The nurses had, thankfully, changed her clothes, putting her in a simple gown that buttoned down the front, probably to more easily remove it in case of a mess. Thomasin had kept him in sleeveless undershirts for the duration of his convalescence for exactly that reason.
The wide, loose, short sleeves were undoubtedly a boon for quickly pulling arms out of. Arms that he had never seen until this very moment, arms she'd kept covered up for the seventeen years they'd known one another. A birthmark, she'd said, such an ugly birthmark so as to shame her into never even risking the chance that he might see it. Perhaps there really was a birthmark there, hidden somewhere under the decades of scars.
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A/N- I just wanna take this opportunity to say, Musical Bear- I see you(r comments), and I love you.
Erwin out here, channeling his inner Giancarlo Esposito.
Also, canon just casually brushing over Mikasa holding Levi at knifepoint (with a giant fucking scalpel, and then turning it on Floch, too). Like, "I wasn't going to kill him- I just wanted him to think I was going to kill him if he didn't do what I wanted; that's why I was aiming a loaded shotgun at his face! What's the big deal?!" "It's all water under the bridge- don't worry, honey, you're doing fine."
Ice cold take- calling Eren a mediocre soldier is honestly giving him too much credit. I don't give a fuck what ranking he got in the Training Corps- you can't even take that at face value since Shadis already proved that he was willing to interfere so Eren could be safe; if he would sabotage his equipment, why wouldn't he also falsely give him higher marks in hopes that he would join the Military Police? On his very first mission, Eren- 1.) encouraged his friends to treat their mission like a game instead of taking this extremely dangerous duty seriously, 2.) got his leg immediately bitten off because he was too blinded by rage to pay attention to his surroundings, and 3.) got eaten. Sure he saved Armin (not from the Titan because it was obvious that Titan wasn't going to eat him, but from Armin's own inability to act under pressure- y'know, a mental block that's just super helpful for a soldier who wants to fight Titans), but he also proved that he's not good at the thing he wants to have a career in. Remember, being a Scout isn't a job where you can learn from your mistakes- you do things right the first time, or you die screaming. A single fuck up is a death sentence (if you're not a main character).
