TW: mild dissociation


After Kristoff's hug, Anna saw him in a new light. Everything about him was so real now, as though he was the only real part of a dream.

She watched him gulp down half a bottle of water and wipe his mouth on the sleeve of his t-shirt, lifting it just above his waistband. His eyes eventually caught hers, but he kept wiping. He smiled when he finally dropped his sleeve and winked. Anna sat up a little taller, and kept watching. He joked around with Sven and Eugene. She couldn't hear what they were saying, but at some point they all looked at her, then away quickly.

The problem wasn't that her feelings for Kristoff weren't true. They were too real. He lived in hell on earth for years, yet easily joked with his friends and winked at Anna as though it hadn't even happened to him. More than that, she didn't do anything to deserve her fate. He should have been whisked away to safety instead of her.

On top of that, she wasn't ready to have sex with anyone. She wasn't ready for it when she slept with Hans, and she was even less ready for it now. Even though Kristoff tucked her in every night, touching her in all the right ways until she'd been too exhausted not to fall fast asleep, despite how good it felt to fall asleep in his arms with a smile on her face, she always woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and tears, unable to make the burning between her legs go away. She couldn't get the sound of Hans telling her, "You're so beautiful, Baby. Anna, you're so fucking hot," while holding her hips down so he could stab her over and over, completely unaware of how much pain he caused. She'd endured that pain for him because he loved her. She needed to prove her feelings, to herself as much as to him. Then his nasty words, "I never loved you," hovered menacingly above her, and that was what made her curl into a ball, sobbing because her pain meant nothing more than his greedy hands reaching for her breasts. She'd fall asleep like that, exhausted from tears, only to be awakened in terror again, sometimes from a nightmare she couldn't even remember but felt, and others from the set of menacing hands reaching for her from above. She always hoped to catch a glimpse of who they belonged to so she'd know if they were real, even though she knew she was better off not knowing. She kept brushing it off and packing it away in the box she started for them. And she'd get rid of the pain between her legs by tossing it into the sex with Hans box, but it came back every time she saw him and every time she woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.

She stood up from the chair and her crotch was numb, then she couldn't feel her face. She began packing up the very real box with the extra toothbrushes, toothpaste, combs, razors, and other supplies that hadn't been claimed by that day's refugees, but it was as though she was only watching it happen. A collision into the full weight of Kristoff's very real chest forced her back into her body.

"Earth to Anna," Kristoff whispered in Coronan, while his smile brought Anna out of her head. She'd never seen him smile out of pure affection like that, and a similar smile spread across her own cheeks, along with the heat from her blush.

"How do you know that phrase?" she asked facetiously with her hands on her hips.

He winked and said, "I have a good teacher." Anna imagined Sven, and especially Eugene, taught him all kinds of interesting things to say.

"Are you ready for tonight?" he whispered as he bent down to pick up a crate.

She didn't answer because all the blood rushed to her face, so he dropped the crate in a panic and placed his hands on her cheeks to examine her.

"Well, I can see you've got things under control over here," Agnarr said out of nowhere. Kristoff quickly moved his hands and stepped back to adjust his hat.

"I think that box needs your hands more than my daughter's face does, hmm?" Agnarr smiled and shook his head as Kristoff lifted the crate he had just dropped.

"Yeah, of course, sorry. I just wanted to make sure she was ok."

Agnarr made a face of disbelief, then turned his attention to Anna. "You not feeling well, Princess?" She cringed at her father using that nickname in front of Kristoff, but her embarrassment quickly vanished while Kristoff's usually golden skin turned ashen. He probably hadn't been embarrassed a day in his life, and it would probably be a while before it ever happened again, so Anna held her hand to cover her smile. "Anna?" her father asked again.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I was just feeling a little light-headed. You know… from the heat."

"Well, that's good to hear. Be sure you drink some water." His tone hardened a little as he glared at Kristoff. "Come on, let's wrap things up before it gets dark! And Christopher, maybe keep your hands to yourself next time, hmm?" He laughed a little as he walked towards the other side of the camp to check on the other volunteers.

"11:30," Anna whispered once she could guarantee laughter wouldn't escape her open mouth. Then she went back to work.


That night Anna took a long shower to wash her hair and shave her legs. Instead of her regular unscented body wash, she used the lavender body wash Aunt Arianna gave her for her birthday three years ago. Fortunately neither Agnarr nor Alex noticed. She set out her brush, deodorant, and mouthwash so they were easy to reach and she would make as little noise as possible. She wanted to avoid getting into the same loop she had before she slept with Hans, so she decided on underwear with no holes or stains and her most comfortable bra. After she laid out the green dress she wore the night before when Kristoff came over and mustard yellow leggings, she turned away from the dresser and put it out of her mind.

After Agnarr and Alex went to sleep, Anna sat down on her bed, the bed where Hans violated her, but also the bed Kristoff snuggled a satisfied her to sleep every night. Unable to settle her nerves and slow her thoughts, Anna hugged her Coronan literature textbook to her breast, then took a deep, cleansing breath in and out as she opened it to the pages she used to press the wildflowers Kristoff gave her. She ran her finger delicately over the precious yellow flowers while the memory of pressing them quietened all of the negative feelings. Then she turned the sparkly lip gloss Rapunzel had forgotten about over and over in her hand. She thought about wearing it, but she thought just as hard about not wearing it, too. She wanted to make an effort for Kristoff because he deserved that, but more than that, she wanted to deserve it, and she hadn't ever felt like that before. She quietly moved to the bathroom to get dressed and undo her braids so her hair was loose and wavy. She looked at herself in the mirror waiting for the horrid monster she knew was inside her to come out, but she never did. For a whole second, she allowed herself to feel beautiful, and then doubled over in pain from reaching for what she didn't deserve.

She wanted to push away the tightness in her stomach so that second of contentment would last the rest of the night, or at least so she could feel that good about herself when she was with Kristoff, but it was proving to be a challenge. So she burned the lip gloss off her lips with a few quick swipes of toilet paper and got frustrated when she couldn't get rid of all the sparkles. She threw herself face first onto her bed and her arms and legs thrashed about until she'd exhausted her body. Then she closed her eyes and transported herself into her closet, where Kristoff was waiting for her, to look at all the boxes. His arm folded naturally around her waist, and he placed a lush kiss to her cheek, as he turned on the light to show her that there weren't as many boxes as she thought.

'I've got you,' he whispered Northuldran into her ear, the vibrations rippling like a tidal wave all the way to her toes. 'I won't let anything bad happen to you. You can trust me.' She couldn't actually understand the words, but she knew that's what he said.

Anna's nerves settled and she hugged herself for the first time in forever. Then she reapplied the sparkly lip gloss, gently blotting to get rid of most of the sparkles, leaving just enough to subtly catch the glowing beam of the moon shining through the bathroom window.

She tucked a strand behind her ear and took one more tiny glance at her dark reflection, careful not to look into her eyes, before skipping out the front door.

Anna's stomach filled with butterflies when Kristoff stood from the bench to greet her. His eyes got big, then he grinned wide enough that she could see the dimple in his smile. She felt the momentary burn of Kristoff thinking she was beautiful, but he turned away quickly to put her at ease. Only then did the guilt of looking nicer than she deserved return.

"Ahtohallan's love shines on you, tonight, Anna," he said as they began walking.

Anna's guilt vanished as unnecessary since Ahtohallan approved of her efforts. She shyly met Kristoff's glinting eyes as he angled his head down just slightly before looking in front of him again.

Anna played with the fringe of her scarf spilling over the top of her bag

"You said it was your mom's?" Kristoff asked, turning his head towards Anna again. After a few seconds of silence, he slowed his pace and offered, "Sorry. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to…"

Anna sighed deeply. There was so much she had been holding in since she left the Northern Mountains. And she finally had someone she could talk to about it.

"Really, you don't have to say, Anna. I..."

For once she didn't want to hide.

"No, it's ok. I just, I barely remember anything from the Northern Mountains, to be honest. I barely remember her - my mom, Iduna - at all. We just left for Arendelle so suddenly after she…"

Anna stopped and covered her face.

"Anna…" Kristoff's voice wavered.

Anna continued, needing to say it out loud. "We always had our bags packed just in case, but I never really thought anything of it. She was supposed to come with us. But she… I didn't actually see it happen. And she… she said 'goodbye,' only I didn't know it was goodbye goodbye. I didn't really understand at the time, and I still don't."

Kristoff's hand lifted to Anna's shoulder but she couldn't look at him and the helpless look she knew covered his face.

"Sorry. You asked about the scarf." She took a deep breath and rubbed her eyes. "It wasn't until we got to Corona that I found it. She'd wrapped it in parchment paper tied together with woven string. It was so pretty I didn't even want to open it."

"So the scarf was in the package?"

"Mhmm. And..."

She brushed her hair away and held her hand to her earlobe since Kristoff hadn't noticed her tiny gold earrings with orange sunstones ornamented with garnet encrusted flower petals. She'd never worn them for more than a few minutes at a time, and even though each earring was missing one garnet, she was uncharacteristically proud of them.

"B'you'teeful," he said and ran his thumb over them, pulling back almost instantly.

When Anna smiled patiently, he asked, "They were your mom's, too?"

Anna shook her head. "My samantha's. A gift from her samantha on her name day. But they were in my mom's package." Anna didn't even know what happened to her samantha, and she was grateful Kristoff didn't ask.

"There was also a card telling me not to open the letter and the package until my name day. I never asked about it, and my dad probably doesn't even know she hid it in my suitcase. But in the letter, she… she gave me my name."

Anna held her tears in and opened her mouth to continue, but she hesitated.

"What's your name?"

"Kristoff…" She wanted to tell him, but not yet. She couldn't risk telling him if he was just going to reject her anyway.

"Wait, your name is also Kristoff? What a coincidence!"

"No!" She playfully ran her shoulder into his. "It's obviously not Kristoff! But I don't even know if my dad knows my real name." Not to mention the deep embarrassment she felt at not even knowing how to pronounce it.

The knot in Anna's stomach grew after a lull in the conversation, and it twisted into her in a way she couldn't ignore or push away anymore. "Whatever I've been through, Kristoff, it's nothing compared to you. And you haven't talked about it at all."

"It's not a contest, Anna. Pain is pain," he said sharply. Anna's brow scrunched up and Kristoff relaxed a little. "Look, my story isn't a pretty one. And I can see how much pain you still feel over yours. I don't want to add to it."

"But it's not fair that I should burden you with my tears but not offer my shoulder in return!"

"Anna, you don't owe me anything, ok? I just want to know you better. The good and the bad." Then he softened and even smiled, "Besides, you just offered me your shoulder, didn't you?"

Kristoff knocked his shoulder into hers and she smiled despite her defeat. "We'll have to come up with a cover story about my scarf."

"It was my samantha's, and Oaken had it to give to my sister. If she made it," he said a little bitterly.

"Do you have a sister?" Anna asked, clawing at the opening he left her.

Kristoff's shoulders tightened slightly and his jaw clicked. Anna watched him struggle to keep his face still other than the blinks that seemed to be damming his tears. He'd probably never cried over his experience, but he was close now. Anna touched her pinky to Kristoff's, wrapping hers around his when he didn't pull away. Then she slipped her hand into his, slowly so she could feel every callus on the pads of his palms worn rough from volunteering, though they probably hadn't been smooth a day in his life. She slipped her index finger over the much softer, but not silky smooth, skin on the back of his hand between his thumb and forefinger, then over his knuckle, rougher and scabbed where he'd likely banged it on a pallet, and onto the skin between his knuckles with just a few tiny hairs moving against the circles her finger made there. Kristoff squeezed her hand flush against his and offer a genuine smile.

Everything got fuzzy for a moment as her finger moved back to the scab, and Anna watched herself bring Kristoff's hand to her lips. Her motions felt so unreal, but the feel of his knuckles slipped between her lips grounded her, and she bounced off of him as soon as she realized that she'd actually done that. She wanted to tell him, "Just friends," but her lips were numb and she wasn't able to make the sounds come out. The euphoria of being so close to Kristoff overpowered everything else, even the knot in her belly she could no longer feel.

"Thank you, Anna," Kristoff whispered in Northuldran, and he squeezed her hand more tightly than before. He didn't let go until a warm voice welcomed them at the park.

"Christopher's here!" a large and loud woman exclaimed. Then she turned her attention to Anna, "And who's this?"

"Hi, Bulda." Kristoff chuckled and adjusted his hat. "This is my friend Anna. She was curious about our culture so I invited her here tonight."

Bulda gave her a hug, suffocating Anna in her chest. "Welcome, Anna!"

She'd been to the temple so many times, but she'd always been alone. Now the room was filled with laughter and joy, chattering in Coronan with Northuldran words sprinkled in.

"This is a beautiful scarf," Bulda said, running her fingers across the sun-shaped embroidery at one corner. Anna almost announced that it was her mother's when Kristoff saved her.

"Oh? He let you wear his grandmother's scarf, eh?" she whispered to Anna loudly and nudged her elbow against her arm in a conspiratorial manner. Then she tugged her hand to introduce her to the 30 or so people they'd be worshiping with, only a few of them younger than 60.

"Most of these people came to Corona when they were younger than us," Kristoff whispered. Anna nearly forgot about everyone else as Kristoff's velvety breath caressed her neck. "They grew up with the religion and the culture, but they've been here probably three or four times as long as they lived in the Northern Mountains," Kristoff explained.

Anna smiled sadly, and Kristoff frowned. "Come on," he said softly and led her by the hand to sit on one of the benches arranged in a loose spiral around the center.

The temple was lit up all around by candles, and all of them, except for the ones at the doorways, were extinguished once the ceremony began. The people closest to the center of the circle each lit candles at the tips of their wooden staves and stamped them on the ground so little sparks flew in the air.

The congregation chanted several prayers, one of which Anna recognized but didn't sing along to. Even if she remembered the words, she had to pretend she didn't. So she let the words Kristoff sang next to her curl up into her ear.

Anna turned her neck to look at Kristoff as they sang. There were wrinkles and creases 20 years ahead of their time, but even in the darkness his eyes were fresh and warm, waiting for Ahtohallan's love to shine on someone for him. She wanted him to see her and never look away, but her stomach caved in with regret as she remembered that his light wasn't meant for her. Even if she hadn't done it, she still wouldn't have been enough for Kristoff. He winked at her, just barely breaking his spell, and he laughed just a little at her confusion when he did. She was going to have to tell him she wasn't who he thought she was and he was going to see her darkness, and then he wouldn't want anything to do with her.

Once the chanting died down, Bulda walked around the center in a smooth circle so she could make eye contact with everyone. She reached out and held hands with people while her eyes grew wide telling animated stories about the moon god.

"The moon god watches over the stars, lights the darkness, and inspires romance ." She wiggled her hips and looked directly at Anna and Kristoff when she said it. "Together with the sun god, they are Ahtohallan, and we are all their children, and one day we'll each find our way to join them in the night sky." The staves whacked against the ground a few times, and the embers filled the temple with stars. "Remember, friends, that we are never truly in the dark. We have the moon god and all of Ahtohallan's children to bathe us in their glow. You all sparkle, my friends, every single one of you glitters like a star in the darkness." She ended her speech with her hands around Anna's. Ahtohallan's shined on her smile when she said, "Come, let us have a moment of silent meditation to remember our loved ones waving from their stars!"

Kristoff held his hand to Anna's shoulder and whispered, "We all make a chain to represent the moon." Anna looked around and put her hand on the shoulder belonging to the little old lady on her other side. They stayed silent for a while, absorbing the last bit of energy echoing against the walls from the chanting and the last few embers floating above them. And they looked up to soak in as much light from the moon's faint glow as they could.

Anna closed her eyes and was suddenly transported to a memory...

"Come, little Anna. Let's go say 'hi' to Ahtohallan's children in the stars." Iduna patted the reindeer pelt and Anna cuddled close so she could point out all the interesting things to see in the sky. "Do you see my father waving from that star?" Anna nodded her head, too filled with wonder to even speak. "One day," her mom told her, "you'll say 'hi' to the moon without me. But you see that star? That one, just there? I'll be waving at you from that star. And when you look at the moon without your dad, he'll be waving at you from the same star. I hope we'll see many moons together before then. But when the day comes that you feel all alone, just look up. I'll be smiling down at you."

Anna couldn't help it. The tears flowed so freely. She wiped her eyes and her nose on her sleeve, not wanting to disturb anyone's peaceful reflection.


Kristoff rushed out after Anna, but his lips curled into a smile when he found her walking in circles around the park, her head leaned back and her arms stretched out. "What are you doing?" he teased.

"I don't remember which star was hers!" she cried, never turning her gaze from the sky.

He led her to a nearby bench and removed her scarf. Then he laid his arm across the back of the bench so she could lean her head against it.

"See that star over there?" He pointed to the slowly twinkling star on the other side of the moon. "That's where my parents are."

Anna turned her head back to him abruptly and sat up. "Kristoff!"

"It's fine. It was a long time ago," he said, but Anna scooched in a little closer and leaned on his shoulder anyway.

"I can see the resemblance, you know."

Kristoff chuckled, and Anna explained, "Your parents like to wink as much as you do."

Her lips had a slight shimmer, barely there, but under the yellow street lamps, the pale moonlight, and the twinkle of her mother's star he could see it. He wouldn't have had to reach his neck very far to touch her lips. Instead, he went back to the stars.

"What about that star over there? It looks like it's twinkling more than the others."

Anna reached her hand up and waved. "I think you're right," she began excitedly, then her tone shifted as she remembered why her mom was greeting her from a star. A single shiny tear slid down one of her cheeks, and Kristoff slid a finger along its path to dry it.

"I'm sorry, Anna, for inviting you today."

"Why?" she pressed away from him defensively.

"Because it's too painful for you."

"What? You can't be serious." She sat up and wiped her eyes, then she sucked the snot up her nose. "Ahtohallan has given me such a precious memory tonight. But it wouldn't have come back to me if I hadn't come here with you tonight. And you helped me find my mom's star. I can't thank you enough!"

Kristoff had watched Anna closely during the vuelie. Her eyes were closed, but stretched wide anyway, her chin up, basking in what little moonlight there was, taking in the sound of the staves thudding against the floor and the incoherent chanting.

"You really believe in Ahtohallan, don't you?"

"Yes, of course," she said with a demure laugh. "Why would you think I didn't?"

Kristoff's free arm curled up so he could brush Anna's cheek, but he thought better of it and dropped it to his lap instead.

"I didn't know if you had adopted Agnarr's religion."

"He's an atheist. He doesn't understand how any god could let the atrocities towards the Northuldrans, and the Arendellians, for that matter, happen, so he doesn't believe. We never really talk about it, though, which means I don't have to lie to him."

"You've been hiding so much of yourself for so long, Anna." Before realizing what he was doing, Kristoff's hand reached for Anna's face again to brush a couple of wisps from her temple. "But you've remained true to yourself despite everything."

Anna blushed and, rather than shy away from his touch, curled into him like she belonged there. Kristoff concentrated on not moving so Anna would stay like that, but his heart beat so violently in his ribcage that he didn't know how much longer he could last.

When the airways to the temple bustled with motion, Anna finally pulled away and stood to say 'goodbye' to everyone.

"So, can you really help me with Coronan?" Kristoff asked on the way back to Anna's house, hope pounding in his chest again.

"Of course!" she said readily, and Kristoff's heart beat a little faster.

"Wait…" Then she smirked and looked down to the side before meeting his eyes in a flash, making Kristoff's heart stop a little longer than was comfortable. "Isn't Sven helping you, though?"

He let out a deep breath at the realization that he was being teased. "Well, you heard what your father said last night…" She tensed, so he paused before saying what he wanted to say. "I just think you'd be a better teacher."

Anna relaxed and even giggled. "Ok, Krriyistaf, I'll teach you Coronan..."

His ears rung a little at the sound of his name from her lips, clear as a bell. It was the most real and familiar sound he'd heard since leaving his village.

"But on one condition." She paused for dramatic effect.

"Oh, really? And what's that?" he asked flirtatiously.

"Teach me Northuldran."

Kristoff stopped and turned his whole body towards her, and she did the same. But she looked left and right and even shivered a little.

"Anna…" he said, and held onto her shoulders. Then he lifted his hands to her jaws and searched her eyes for permission. She was still and quiet and didn't do or say anything to stop him, though nothing to encourage him either.

He let out a deep breath and kissed the top of her head and hugged her close to him instead. Anna backed away and pulled one of his hands with her. She held it in one hand while she ran her fingers all over it, spending time on every crease, every callus, the folds of skin at his joints, and even his nails. Then she ran her finger along the wrinkles at his wrist, turning him in alternation hot and cold, agitated and peaceful, taken care of, loved. He let out a small moan and she stopped suddenly and dropped his hand.

"Kristoff…" For the first time ever, he didn't like the way she said his name. "I'm sorry but I can't be anything more than friends right now."

Kristoff closed his eyes and settled his thoughts, doing his best to hide his disappointment at the sharp turn of events. "That's ok, I understand."

"It's not that I don't want to be…" she said and wrapped her hands around his again. "I'm just not ready for that."

"It's ok, Anna," he said, a little annoyed that she didn't think he could handle her rejection. "You don't have to apologize."

She squeezed his hand and clasped it to her chest. "No, you don't understand. I really like you, Kristoff. It's actually… so hard to hold back from you…"

Kristoff softened and he brushed her hair behind her so he could hold onto the back of her shoulder and rub his thumb against her neck. He wouldn't ever push things beyond what Anna was comfortable with, but her words did more to embolden than discourage. "Then why?"

"Because!" She squeezed more tightly onto his hand and let her eyes linger on his. They shimmered with sadness and Kristoff fought against his urge to envelop her in a hug to make it go away. There was no way he could, though, and he'd never felt so inadequate.

She lowered her voice and checked to make sure no one was around to hear so she could tell him her secret. "Because, I have… boxes ."

"Boxes?" Kristoff asked, completely amused. "What is boxes?"

"You know, boxes !" She was trying to be serious, but she laughed at Kristoff's response.

"No, not boxes!"

Anna smiled and playful boxed his shoulder.

"Anything but boxes!" he continued. "What is in your boxes anyway?"

"It's just things I need to deal with. Before I make mistakes."

Kristoff was surprised, but it didn't phase Anna. "Please, Kristoff?" She clasped her hands in his and leaned into his palms flirtatiously, "Can we just be friends?"

"Of course," he agreed. "Just friends."

"At least for now," she added.

Kristoff had all the time in the world to wait for Anna, especially now that he knew she felt the same. "But just for the record, your boxes don't scare me. I do have a lot of experience with lifting boxes at the refugee camp, and I'm more than happy to get rid of yours for you, if you think that would help."

"Kristoff!"

"Ok, ok. You're in charge of boxes. But I'm here for heavy lifting if you need it."

"Thank you," she said in Northuldran.

"So… Do friends still give each other language lessons?"

Anna turned towards Kristoff and started to walk away backwards. "Wednesdays, after school. Alex has Mathletes."

"What is Mathletes?"

"Competitive math. He's like, really, really smart. Like, genius level."

"Oh. Ok. I had no idea. So Wednesdays… we'll be alone?"

She ran back to him to whisper, "So I can learn Northuldran in secret. It doesn't mean anything is going to happen between us, Kristoff."

"No, of course not. Just friends, right?" He winked.

Anna smiled anyway, then kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Kristoff. Tonight really meant a lot to me."

"You're welcome," he said in Northuldran.

She giggled and walked away, turning back every few steps to see if Kristoff was still there. The third time she looked back Kristoff winked at her and her smile lit up under the streetlamp.

"At least for now, Kristoff," she repeated before running the rest of the way to her house.

At least for now…

Once she was out of sight, Kristoff sat on the bench and leaned his head back to look at Iduna's star. There was only one reason a Northuldran woman would have been killed back then. He leaned forward and pulled his hat off, sucking in a long, cool breath. He covered his face with his hat and bit it so his anger would have somewhere to go. Then he hit it angrily against the bench a dozen or so times before holding it in his hand the entire way back to Oaken's. Before going inside he took another long look at Iduna's star and, through a glassy eyed scowl, he promised her he'd defend Anna as fiercely as she had.