It's like being in a whirlpool of vomit.
Her insides lurch and ache.
The ground moves without her and a vague seasick feeling lingers in the back of her throat.
Squinting brings the landscape back into focus even as the sun blinds her.
Shafts of light bounce off her retinas and she blinks at the sting.
Shivering she pulls her pashmina tighter around herself.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this.
There is no lie in either statement, she would honestly prefer to be anywhere but here.
Be anyone but this
She feels surrounded even in an empty garden.
She wonders how long she can hide out here before….
"Elizabeth?" the words are soft and closer than she'd like but she ignores them.
Just leave me alone.
She knows he won't.
Sighing she tries to convince her body it should move even as the footsteps come closer. She wonders how long before he arrives and if she could hide before then. She can't remember if there is another way out of the garden.
She sees his feet and lifts her head briefly to meet his worried eyes
"Babe?" she sees the unspoken questions and the concern in that lone word. He watches her momentarily as she watches him in the fountain's reflection. He walks slowly, carefully to her and as he embraces her from behind, she wants to scream. He is warm, too warm and comforting. She doesn't want to feel anything else and moves out of his grasp. He moves to sit on the edge of the fountain instead and angles his head slightly to try and catch her eyes.
"Talk to me."
"I can't."
The silence swamps her and she judges the distance between him and the fence. He stands, moving more fully in front of her, it's like he is in her head, and she fears what he will find.
"Your safe." She shakes her head at that. Nowhere is safe. Nothing is ok.
He reaches a hand out towards her and she lets their fingers link, it's grounding. "Elizabeth look at me. Please."
"I can't"
"OK then listen to me. Hear me." He pauses and she squeezes his fingers, it's the best she can do. "20 more minutes then we can go. I will be right by your side. Game face baby. For me."
She leans towards him, and he meets her halfway, as she buries her head against his chest. "OK." He strokes her hair and kisses the top of her head. "You've got this, and I've got you."
And he has, without him she would have just run or stayed hidden or…
She tries to stop herself from thinking about the or, but it doesn't work, and she bites her cheek hard, fisting his shirt.
It still hurts.
It never stopped but she walks back into the ballroom on her husband's arm and for 20 minutes manages to pretend the world isn't spinning and she isn't spiraling into the unknown.
###################
In the car she lets the darkness take hold, indulging in sinking deep into her mind until all she sees are random flashes of light.
Blood rushes in her ears and she feels every prickle of air against her exposed skin.
The blankness sings to her soul and she lets it carry her.
Away from the pain, the terror, the failure, and reality.
##################
She comes back to herself staring at the ceiling in just her underwear. The comforter is heavy across her and the dim light from the bathroom catches the corner of her eye. She shifts to her side and sees Henry asleep next to her.
She doesn't remember getting home or getting into bed.
A part of her feels guilty for putting this on him.
Another part likes this new superpower of disconnecting from reality.
She traces the edge of his jaw with a gentle finger and whispers "I'm sorry." She rolls back over to face the window and as she settles, he shifts behind her wrapping a gentle arm around her middle and pulling her back against his front. His sleepy words break the dam that has been crumbling since they left for the event. "You don't have anything to be sorry for and you never have to hide from me. I love all of you baby, even the broken bits."
It is all too much, and she rolls onto her front, hiding her face in the pillow as she feels everything all at once. He never leaves her, instead laying next to her, arm across her back and lips in her hair.
There are no more words to say.
