Miss Honey stared at the hurt expression in Matilda's eyes. The moisture in her mouth seemed to all at once disappear. Her stomach began to churn.
"S-sweetheart, n-n-no, I'm sorry, but I had to." Jennifer stammered. Her heart was beginning to race in her chest. "It was just to prove how serious I was, if you really wanted out, it wouldn't have held you for two minutes." Matilda still looked doubtful. "Do you want to see how I got out?" Suddenly, the hurt expression was gone as quickly as it had come and in its place was a mischievous smile. Jennifer breathed a sigh of relief. "Go stand outside and lock me in." Matilda's eyes widened.
"Really?"
"Yes, go ahead."
"Umm, can I use the bathroom first?"
"Yes, go potty, then lock me in."
"Hmm," Matilda said before backing out of the room. "No." Jennifer could see the glint of mischief in her eyes. The door closed, and the lock clicked into place. "I think I'll lock you in, then go to the bathroom. Be back in a minute!" Jennifer sighed, she supposed she deserved that.
Why had she locked the door? Because she wouldn't have stayed put, Jennifer argued with herself.
"Mom, I'm sorry! Please don't lock me in!"
Matilda would have stayed put then. She had gotten the message loud and clear. You should have unlocked it then, not walked away. She could have easily gotten out. That's not the point!
Jennifer winced as she went to her desk, retrieved a small, square object from a cup of pens and stood by the door to wait. A few seconds later she heard Matilda's voice announcing she was back.
"Ready?"
"Ready!"
Jennifer retrieved the small object from her pocket and held it up to the door with practiced precision. "Up a quarter inch and slide to the right." she mumbled. She opened the door to find Matilda's amazed face as if she couldn't move things herself with her mind.
"Woah! How did you do that?" Matilda asked. Jennifer opened her palm. "A magnet?"
"Yep, see." She held it up to the other side of the door where the lock was and slid it back and forth. Matilda watched in awe as the deadbolt went in and out.
"Now that I know your secret, you can't lock me in again!" Matilda said clasping her fingers together. "Muahaha."
"Matilda," Jennifer said softly before bending down to one knee to look her in the eyes. "I never should have locked you in the room in the first place. I'm sorry, will you forgive me?"
"It's okay," Matilda said looking sheepish. "I wouldn't have stayed." she mumbled. Miss Honey smiled.
"I know, you're a terrible liar."
"I am not!" Matilda said.
"I'm your mother, I can see when you're lying a mile away. You have a tell." Miss Honey said with a laugh before wrapping her arms around the girl and squeezing tightly.
"I do!?" Matilda said with a gasp before resting her head on Miss Honey's shoulder and returning the hug.
"Yes, the moment I signed those papers, it appeared all over your face, just like magic." Matilda giggled.
"No it didn't!" There was a pause. "What is it?"
"I think I've revealed enough secrets for one day." Miss Honey said with a laugh before stopping. "Actually, I think, I think we need to talk." Matilda hung on as Jennifer carried her back into the room and sat on the bed. "Do you understand why I did what I did?"
"You didn't want me listening in on your private conversation." Matilda mumbled. "I was being rude."
"It wasn't to punish you sweetheart, even though you really shouldn't be eavesdropping. That's not the point. I wanted to protect you."
"Because I'm little?" Jennifer sighed.
"Not just to protect what's up here." Jennifer said lightly touching Matilda's head. "I know you know about things, more things than I wish you did. What most concerns me is here." She touched the girl's chest. "Your heart. Your innocence."
"I'm not that innocent." Matilda grumbled.
"I know you keep saying that, but, maybe I'm not phrasing this right. Maybe innocence isn't the right word. Your spirit, yes, that's it. This has nothing to do with your age, it doesn't matter if you were ten, fifteen, or even twenty, once your spirit is broken, that's it. You may never see the world the same way again. You may never be so quick to smile, so easy to make laugh."
"Is that what happened to you? Did the Trunchbull break your spirit?" Matilda asked.
"Yes," Miss Honey whispered, "She did."
"Is there anything I can do to fix it?" Jennifer wrapped her arms around Matilda and squeezed, gently rocking her back and forth before kissing the top of her head.
"Every day I get to spend being your mother makes me come alive more and more. I love you more than anything. I never thought I could ever feel this."
"I love you too, mom." They sat in silence, enjoying the feeling of being in each other's arms, until Jennifer spoke again.
"The thing is, I don't know what I'm doing." Matilda looked up at her.
"What do you mean?"
"This whole parenting thing. I don't know how to be a good parent."
"I think you do." Matilda said, resting her head back on Miss Honey's shoulder.
"You're sweet, but I'm serious. Matilda, in the future, I might-no I will make mistakes. Do you know what my biggest fear is?" Matilda thought about it for a minute.
"Small spaces?"
"No, it's hurting you. Not here," Miss Honey tapped her forehead again before moving her hand to Matilda's heart. "But here."
"You won't." Matilda said confidently before frowning in confusion as Miss Honey's eyes began to water.
"I'm scared, Matilda. I'm so scared I'll cross that line someday. That's why I wanted to talk to you. I need you to pick a word."
"Huh?"
"I want you to pick a word you'll always remember, and if I ever do or start to do something that hurts you here," she patted Matilda's heart again, "you say that word and I promise to stop whatever I'm doing, and we'll talk about it."
"But, why?" Matilda asked looking puzzled.
"Because I never want you to hurt the way I did. I wasn't raised in a loving home. I may not know what is and isn't acceptable when the time comes. While I'll always have your best interests at heart, I worry there will come a time, no matter my intentions, my actions will cause you more harm than good. So pick a word, please." Jennifer said, stroking Matilda's head.
"Okay, umm, pumpkins." Matilda said. "So I just say 'pumpkins' if you ever start chasing me with a riding crop?" Miss Honey smiled weakly.
"If I ever chase you with a riding crop, we may have missed a few signs leading up to it. I can't promise I won't use it to chase out the first boy you bring home though." Matilda giggled as she wrinkled up her face. "Heaven help him if he ever breaks your heart. Straight to the chokey with him!"
"Mom!" Matilda said in shock before giggling.
"I'm kidding."
"Why are you so scared of hurting me that we need a safe word?" Matilda asked once they had calmed down.
"I'm going to pretend you don't know what that means." Matilda rolled her eyes. Miss Honey let out a deep sigh. "Because of my genetics."
"Your genetics?"
"My aunt wasn't born a monster, I don't think. She was turned into one by her father, my grandfather. According to her, well, let's just say he did some not nice things to her, but treated my mother like a princess. It caused a lot of bitterness and hate to fester inside of her for a very long time. I don't know what caused him to turn out that way, but I have a feeling this goes back decades."
"Just because she was abused doesn't give her the right to abuse others." Matilda said.
"Of course not, no one has the right, but there's this little voice in the back of my head that still worries I'll wake up one day and realize I've become my aunt. There was a time I was also filled with anger and hate."
"Yeah, I saw your notes." Matilda said.
"What notes?"
"In the Three Little Pigs, there were scraps of paper inside. I didn't realize you had such a, uh, colorful vocabulary."
Curious, Miss Honey stood and went to the book case, retrieved the book, and shook its pages. Sure enough, bits of paper began to fall to the floor. She scooped them up, read the first two and audibly groaned. Now she remembered. What was she, like, 12?
"It's when she nailed my window shut. She thought it would make me spend less time in my room and more time cleaning."
"Did it?"
"Oh yeah, she cut off my only source of fresh air, and when there's a bucket of excrement in your room..."
"Eww." Matilda said wrinkling her nose in disgust. "I thought you only had to use it during the night."
"Sometimes I'd be locked in all weekend, and, well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination. So yeah, there were times I'd scrub the floors by hand with a toothbrush if it meant fresh air." Among other things.
She flipped to the last note and frowned. This wasn't her writing. She slipped the note in her pocket and crumbled up the other two. She'd show it to Mrs. Rodger's downstairs later.
"Oh, I almost forgot one more hiding place! Want to see?" Matilda nodded her head eagerly. She looked to the chair but decided against it. "I'm going to need your help with this one. Come here. Ready?" She asked when Matilda stood next to her. She picked her up by the waist and hoisted her up to the air vent. "Push up then pull out."
"Mom, what in the world?!"
"Pull them all out, but hurry I can't hold you up like this for much longer." Suddenly, it began to rain bits of dust, and an odd assortment of television remote controls, wallets, and sets of car keys.
"One. Two. Three. Four. Five, jeez mom, six. Seven. That's all of them."
"So food may not have been the only thing I stole on my nighttime strolls." Jennifer admitted sheepishly. Matilda eyed all the fallen debris before bursting into laughter. "While I may not have openly defied her, I certainly enjoyed inconveniencing her."
"Can I go show Mrs. Rodger's all this stuff?" Matilda said with a large smile on her face.
"Yes, go for it." She smiled as Matilda grabbed as much as she could carry and bounded down the stairs. Once Matilda was gone, the smile fell off of Jennifer's face. She looked at the room one last time before making her way into the bathroom and closing the door behind her.
She leaned over the sink as a fresh wave of tears overcame her. Her hands shook as she gripped the porcelain as tight as she could. "Gotta hold it together." she mumbled to herself. "I can't let her see." She stared at her reflection in the mirror, but instead of the twenty- three-year-old staring back at her, it was her 11-year-old self.
Jennifer washed her hands again and again and again. Her skin was water logged, and raw, but no matter how hard she scrubbed, they wouldn't feel clean. Soap wasn't enough. She reached underneath the sink for the bottle of peroxide. She opened the cap and dumped it on each hand, resisting the urge to scream. Yes, burn away that vile woman's scent.
She shouldn't have given in. She should have just let her lock her in the cellar.
"You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours." Her aunt had told her.
"I never wanted my back scratched." Jennifer now mumbled through her tears. She looked up at her reflection again and let out a horrified scream. She wasn't alone.
"That's not how I remember it." Agatha Trunchbull said with a toothy grin. Jennifer let out a terrified whimper. She watched her put her hands on Jennifer's shoulder, but she felt nothing. She wasn't there. This wasn't real! "And I certainly wouldn't say you never wanted it. Don't you remember the last time?"
"I never wanted it." Jennifer growled. "I was just a kid."
"You may not have wanted it, but you certainly learned to enjoy it." Jennifer shut her eyes again as a wave a revulsion tumbled through her. She was going to be sick.
"No! Shut up! You're dead!"
"Look at you now, a chip off the old block. Do you enjoy climbing into bed with her?" Jennifer fell to her knees.
"No! No! It isn't like that!" she sobbed.
"Does it feel good when you both undress and hold each other?" Agatha whispered into her ear. Jennifer crawled to the toilet and vomited.
"Mom? Are you okay?" Matilda asked.
"I'm fine, sweetie!" She bit down on her knuckle as quiet sobs racked her body.
"Why don't you tell her how you really feel? How you can't wait to get her alone tonight and offer to scratch her back."
"No! I'm not you!" Jennifer cried before getting sick again. "Not my daughter." She moaned.
"Not me? You practically stole her from her parents and jumped in bed naked with her. Please tell me how that makes you fit to be her mother? How that makes you not me."
"Mom? Who are you talking to? Are you crying?"
"N-no, m-mommy just needs a minute alone." Jennifer managed to choke out through heaves. She heard Matilda's footsteps retreat, before a second pair was quickly rushing up the stairs.
"Jennifer, is everything all right?" Mrs. Rodger's asked, but all Jennifer could do was sob. "I'm coming in."
"N-no!" but the door was already opening. She turned her head up to face her aunt, but found she was gone.
"Mom!" Matilda was rushing towards her. Jennifer's heart sank.
"Pl-please don't touch me." Jennifer moaned.
"But mom-" she felt a small hand on her back as another wave of revulsion washed over her.
"I SAID DON'T TOUCH ME!" Jennifer threw an arm out to get her away, but ended up pushing her to the ground. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Matilda fall, before scurrying back into the corner. "I-i'm sorry, I didn't mean to."
"Jennifer," Mrs. Rodger's said sounding concerned.
"Please. Please." Jennifer said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "Take Matilda to Hortensia's, and then, if it's not too much trouble, take me to the hospital. S-s-something's wrong with me." She turned her head and stared at Matilda, curled into a ball, staring at her with wet, wide eyes. She was mouthing something. Miss Honey closed her eyes and sobbed. It was pumpkins.
