A/N- The premise of this story may be considered a little strange, but since it made me smile, I decided to go for it. Hopefully, you'll smile too.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters. I'm just borrowing for the lols.

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It was a lovely evening in a quiet suburb. A man stepped outside in his athletic shoes, intent upon doing his customary stretches before going on a run around the neighborhood. However, a peculiar sound drew his attention away from the task.

Thonk! Thonk! Thonk!

Postponing his run for now, he wandered off the porch and onto the front lawn. He soon spied a lovely brunette standing in the driveway of the house across the street. He recognized her. When he moved to the neighborhood a couple of weeks prior, she was one of the few people to wave a quick hello in greeting. Almost everyone else simply ignored him. At present, the brunette had a black shopping bag hung on her arm. Every so often she would dip her hand inside of the bag and then sling a stick-like object high in the air. Whatever she was chucking landed each time with a distinct thonk on the roof of her house.

Beyond curious, the man strolled closer to investigate. Since the woman's back was turned towards him, she was not aware of his presence until he made a show of clearing his throat. She paused and looked over a shoulder.

"Yes? May I help you?" Her voice was an interesting mix of husky and sweet. It discombobulated the man momentarily.

"Oh, um. Hi. I live across the street, and-"

She spun around. A small but pleasing smile lit her face. "I remember you. You're new around here. Welcome to the neighborhood."

"Thank you."

"So, why are you stopping by? Do you need to borrow something? A cup of sugar? The lawn mower?"

"I appreciate the hospitality, but no. I came over because I noticed you were throwing-" For the first time, he got a good look at what she held in her hand. It stopped his prior question cold. "Excuse me, but is that...?"

"A dildo? Yes, it is." And with that, she hurled it through the air.

He was struck speechless. It's not everyday you hear - or see - that word being thrown around so casually in public.

Regathering his wits, his eyes drifted to the bag she held. "I can't help but notice you have an awful lot of those - um - things with you."

"There was a two for one sale at the Pleasure Shop! Great deal, huh?"

"Uh, yes, I... suppose that is a bargain." He glanced at the house. There was at least half a dozen of the brightly colored prosthetic penises on the roof. Once again, he looked to the brunette for answers. "Pardon me if I'm prying, but may I ask why you are throwing them on top of your house?"

Her eyes flashed like lightning. It was a beautiful sight. She armed herself with another dildo from the bag. "Because," she growled, "I want everyone to know that the biggest dick in the neighborhood lives here."

"Hold on. I thought this was your house?"

"It is. Mine and my husband's."

Hearing that she wasn't single came as a blow. He hid his disappointment as best as he could. As for the brunette, she launched the next dildo. It bounced off the chimney, rolled down the slope, and came to a stop in the rain gutter.

"Ugh! Just look at that," she complained with a wave of her hand. "They keep gathering near the front eaves! I need some to land further up top so everyone can see them - but my stupid arm can't throw that far! There's got to be some way to-" With a gasp, she twisted back around to her neighbor. "How good are you at throwing?"

Startled by the sudden question, he sputtered his answer. "Uh... I-I played baseball in college."

"Perfect!" The brunette slapped a new dildo into his hand. "Show me what you got."

He took a moment to examine the adult toy. It was hot pink and had the words King Dong embellished on the side. He was no prude, but holding such intimate object outside in the light of day made him nervous. He just barely managed to initiate eye contact with the brunette.

"Are you sure you want me to do this?" he croaked.

"Yes, a hundred percent sure."

He gave a little nod. Although the situation made him uncomfortable, he was always ready to help a neighbor... especially a beautiful one. He switched into a pitcher's stance, even going so far as adjusting an invisible baseball cap just to get into the spirit. With his eyes aimed at the target, he let the silicon toy sail into the sky. It landed with a kurplock on the ridge of the roof.

The brunette made an muted squealing sound in the back of her throat. "That's incredible! Your arm is like magic! Do you think you can make one fall on the skylight?"

Her high praise was enough of a reward to get him to try.

And that was how the next few minutes passed. Dildos fell with impressive precision according to the brunette's wishes. Soon the silicon schlongs were evenly spaced all over the roof. Since they were brightly colored, they were quite noticeable from the street.

Delighted by the results, the brunette gave her neighbor a photo-worthy smile. "Thank you so much. It looks great. I couldn't have done it without you."

"It was no problem." He took a quick peek into her bag. His eyebrows rose. "You didn't use them all."

"I know! There's a lot more for me to do."

"More?"

"Uh-huh." She walked to the end of the driveway and opened the mailbox. In went two oddly shaped dildos. Upon closing the mailbox, she brushed her hands together. "There. Those are sound activated. They should vibrate when he opens this baby tomorrow to check the mail. I bet that'll come as a surprise."

"It certainly will," her neighbor mumbled to himself.

He followed her up the driveway. With a click of her key fob, the garage door opened. The man could not believe his eyes. Stored beside a car was a six-foot tall inflatable penis.

After dragging the giant phallus to the front lawn, the brunette stepped back in admiration. "Isn't it great? It wasn't on sale, but I couldn't pass it up. No one will be able to drive past without staring at it!"

He winced. "Yes, it is eye-catching... but I'm afraid it may be a tad inappropriate to display outside."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, kids live on this street. They probably won't know what the - um - dildos are since they're so high up, but this... They'll know what this is supposed to be."

Her mouth twisted. "Hmm. You're right." Once that contemplative moment passed, she lit back up. "I'll put it in the living room!"

She grabbed the phallus and headed for the house. The man could see it was a struggle for her to carry it since she also still had the heavy shopping bag. He volunteered to carry the phallus for her. He figured he had already handled a dozen penises today, why not make it one more?

"Do you mind answering a question?" he said once they made it to the front door.

"Ask away."

He let out a breath of air. "Can you please explain what the hell is going on?"

"I already told you." She patted the inflatable phallus affectionately. "I want everyone to know that the biggest dick lives here."

His mouth lifted in a smile, something he hadn't done too much of as of late. "And that means?"

Her bright expression faded. "It means my husband is a lying, cheating sack of shit."

"Oh. I'm terribly sorry."

She waved him off. "Thanks, but I don't want anyone to feel bad on my account. I'm tired of being the victim. I figure it's time to take charge and show him what I'm really made of."

She opened the front door and allowed the neighbor inside. He set down the phallus in the entryway and took a look around. The living room walls were painted white and were mostly bare of ornaments. Floors were polished tile. The furniture was black leather and steel. A statue of a hulking, stone man loomed in a corner. Overall, it felt cold and impersonal.

"Nice place," he fibbed.

She huffed a laugh. "No it isn't. When James and I bought this house two years ago, I wanted to make it an inviting place to live. But no. He insisted on doing it his way. He said it would increase the resale value. What a load of shit! Now this house looks like a doctor's office from 1985." She glared at her surroundings. "He puts more value on this house than he does me. That's why I've decided to take my revenge on what he loves the most."

"Revenge?" Her neighbor frowned, deeply concern where this was headed. "You're not going to burn the house down, are you?"

She rolled her eyes and laughed. "No, of course not! All I'm doing is a little redecorating." She pulled out a spool of fishing line from the bag and grinned mischievously. "Wanna help?"

He took time to weigh his options. Eventually, he nodded. He was too invested to leave now.

As they suspended dildos from the ceiling with the help of nails and string, the brunette shared her story.

"I work mostly at home," she began softly. "Every so often I have to go out of town for meetings and whatnot. No big deal, right? Well, I flew to Atlanta the other day to attend a conference. I was supposed to be gone almost the entire week. James called to check on me a couple of times. Everything sounded normal on his end. He even told me he loved me.

"Then two nights ago, I couldn't get in touch with him. He wouldn't answer my calls or texts. I kept getting his voicemail and nothing else. It stayed that way for hours. Naturally, I was worried." She laughed without humor. "I started imagining that he had hit his head and couldn't phone for help. Stupid, I know. But that led me to check the nanny cam from my phone just to see if anything was wrong."

Her neighbor knitted his brow and interrupted her train of thought. "Do you have kids?"

"No."

"Then why do you have a nanny cam?"

"The neighborhood had some break-ins a few months ago. We never had any problems, but I figured having a hidden camera might be a good idea just in case the worse were to happen. Apparently, James forgot we had one behind the planter over there." White hot anger heated her face. "I saw them... on that couch... together."

"Saw who?"

"James and his secretary. That bitch!"

"Are you sure the secretary knows that he's...?"

"That he's married? Ha! Yeah, Vicki knows. We've met many times. And get this: I'm the one who sent her flowers on Secretary's Day. James forgot!"

To tamp down her rising temper, the brunette busied herself with stringing up the large inflatable penis. The neighbor assisted in raising it from the floor. Once properly hung, the inflatable swung amid a sea of floating dildos. Not to be left out, the statue in the corner was given a strap-on to wear. The room was beginning to look like a bordello decorated for Halloween hijinks. Surprisingly, it improved the room's ambience.

Taking a break, they sat in separate chairs and took time to appreciate the chaos they had created. The brunette once again grew contemplative. "I was devastated when I saw them together. I could barely think it hurt so bad."

"That's understandable," he replied in his most comforting tone. "What did you do?"

"I cancelled the rest of the trip. Said I was ill. At first I spent some time in my hotel room just trying to figure out what I should do. In the beginning I planned on going home and confronting him with the evidence."

She pointed the remote at the TV. In wide-screen, a video played. It showed a pony-tailed man entering the front door. An auburn-haired woman was draped all over him. They flopped on the leather couch and pawed at one another for a while. Clothing fell off at regular intervals. With lips locked, pony-tail guy lifted the woman and carried her out of camera range - presumably to the bedroom belonging to him and his wife.

It made the neighbor sick to his stomach. The brunette avoided looking at the footage altogether. Once had been enough.

"After a while, I realized confronting him about the affair would be a bad idea," she continued. "I didn't want to give him an opportunity to explain away what I saw - or worse - have him somehow shift the blame on me why he's a cheating bastard. All I wanted was to break the news that we're over in such a way where I wouldn't have to speak to him directly."

The conversation came to a sudden halt. She walked to a glass-topped table where her purse rested. Pulling out a couple of tubes of lipstick, she chose the one in brightest red. She spun slowly in place as she studied the squeaky clean walls. With her head held high, she strutted to the white-stone fireplace. The lipstick became her pen.

Divorce papers on the way. Hope she was worth it.

She moved back a few steps and tilted her head, as though the words were a work of art. "Do you think this will get the point across?"

Her neighbor smiled sadly. "That should do it."

She snatched the black shopping bag from off the floor. "Ok, then. That's enough for the living room. Time to see about the kitchen."

He pointed at the TV. "But that's still on."

"I know. That video clip is on a loop. I figured James might want to see it too once he gets home. Then maybe he'll understand why all this happened."

The neighbor nodded. Playing the footage of the affair non-stop seemed appropriate under the circumstances. It matched the raunchiness of the room.

The brunette descended upon the kitchen and wrought mayhem to the refrigerator first. Bottles of water and soda were replaced with bottles of lube. The fresh eggs were switched with a six pack of something called Tenga Easy Beat Wonder Eggs. Vegetables in the crisper were removed and vibrators in the shape of eggplants were substituted. Her neighbor couldn't help but smile when she hung colorful anal beads from the kitchen's light fixtures. He thought that was a nice touch. And, of course, a couple of dildos were thrown inside the microwave, dishwasher, and cabinets - because why not?

"Come on!" The brunette grabbed him by the upper arm and pulled. "James will be home in an hour, and there's still the bedroom to do!"

From the closet, her husband's clothes were removed and promptly stored away in the laundry room. The brunette explained 'he never goes in there'. It would take him hours before the idea would occur to him to check... which made it that much better in her eyes. Apparently, James took great pride in his clothing. He would sweat thinking his beloved suits and ties were gone forever. However, his wife was kind enough to leave a little something in the closet.

It was a pair of leather chaps and a net crop top.

An inflatable doll was then added to the mix. She was scantily dressed in lingerie and had a wide-open mouth for an obvious purpose. The doll was placed on the bed in a compromising position and handcuffed to the metal headboard.

As a finishing touch, the brunette set down a cylindrical tube at the foot of the bed and stepped into the hallway. She smiled thinly at the helpful neighbor. "Well... that's it. My bag of tricks has run out."

"What was that last thing you put in there?"

"Oh, it's just a little surprise for James. On the outside of the tube I wrote, 'Open me. Important document inside.' But what's really on the inside is about a million flakes of rainbow glitter."

Her neighbor lifted an eyebrow. "So that's a glitter bomb."

"Yep. Right after James opens it, it'll look like Tinker Bell exploded all over him. Why do you think I left the chaps and crop top in the closet? Afterwards I'm sure he'll need a change of clothes." The two of them laughed quietly together. It made the brunette's eyes sparkle. "You know what the best part is about doing all this?"

"No, what?"

"I'm the one who did all the cleaning around here. And since I'm leaving today, guess who's gonna have to deal with the mess?"

"James?"

"Nope. James is lazy as hell. He never lifted a finger, so he has no idea how to do anything. He'll be forced to call a cleaning service. Can you imagine the workers' faces once they see this place?!"

The neighbor nodded in amusement. "They'll think James runs the most sinful den of debauchery this side of the Mississippi."

"Exactly. He'll be humiliated... almost as much as I was when I saw him with Vicki."

The gleeful mood shifted. The neighbor gazed at her sympathetically. "What's next for you?"

"All my important stuff is already packed in my car. I'll get a room tonight and start looking for an apartment tomorrow."

He frowned. It didn't seem right for her to be all by herself so soon after suffering a devastating blow.

"Don't you have a friend you can go to for support?" he asked.

"Not around here. We had to move across the country for James' job. And since I work at home, I haven't really made any friends yet."

He pursed his lips. Working as an accountant, his life had been pretty dull as of late. This was single-handedly the funnest, most interesting day he had experienced in ages. Never again seeing the quirky brunette was unthinkable. An idea brewed. Soon, it spilled out.

"How about you and I grab something to eat before you leave for your hotel?"

His question caught her off guard. It made her look at her neighbor from a new perspective. He was tall with an athletically lean frame. His eyes were a magnetic spring green. She had been so focused on exacting revenge, she hadn't noticed that an attractive man had done all her crazy bidding that day.

She bit her lower lip, avoiding his hope-filled gaze. "Sorry, I can't. I'm not ready to date anyone yet."

"No, no! This wouldn't be a date. It's just a dinner between friends - nothing else."

"But I don't even know your name!"

He extended his hand. "Hello, I'm Edward Cullen and I live across the street. What's your name?"

Slowly, she took his offered hand and shook it. "Bella Huntington."

"Well, Bella - now that we've met officially - what do you say about us getting some food?"

After a moment's thought, she raised her eyebrow. "Are you sure this will only be a friendly dinner?"

The smile he gave would make nearly any woman's heart flutter. "Oh, yes. I most definitely can be friendly when I want to be."

The two left the chaos of the house behind and drove separately to a little diner a few streets away. Over cheeseburgers and greasy fries, she drowned her sorrows with Edward. He kept his word. Their evening together was as friendly as can be.

And he stayed friendly when he helped her move into a cozy apartment later that week.

He was friendly when he introduced her to his close friends. They loved her spunk and quickly welcomed her into their social group.

He was friendly when - months later - she needed a shoulder to cry on. The divorce had been finalized. The tears were not shed over her ex-husband. She cried over the loss of a dream which was not meant to last forever.

A year later, a man shuffled dejectedly from his house. Life had not been kind as of late. His wife left him because he had been seeing his secretary behind her back. She got half of everything. He barely had enough to buy out her share of the house. Having little in the way of extra cash, Vicki got bored and left him in order to date one of the higher-ups in the office. He grew unbearably lonely. It was not long before he missed Bella's smile and tinkling laughter. Although she wrecked the house when she left, he eventually realized he deserved the punishment. He had taken her for granted back when they were married. Every day he lived in regret of his past actions.

As James made his way down the driveway to retrieve the weekend edition of the newspaper, he noticed something odd. One of the cars parked across the street looked familiar. His eyes soon settled on the porch of his neighbor's house. A man with reddish brown hair was lounging on a chair reading a book. As if on cue, the front door opened. A brunette that James knew very well stepped outside. First, she handed the man a cup of steaming coffee. Then, much to James' dismay, she proceeded to make herself comfortable on the neighbor's lap. The kiss they shared was borderline obscene.

After the kiss, Bella leaned back and closed her eyes dreamily. As for the neighbor, he finally tore his eyes away from the snoozing beauty on his lap and noticed they had a certain someone watching. Not missing a beat, he smiled and gave James a hearty wave of greeting.

As was mentioned before, Edward was nothing if not friendly.

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A/N- My first attempt at a one shot! Did you enjoy this silly little story? Please let me know either way.

Thanks for reading. :-)