Australia advertising BritBox with a Line of Duty picture. Nice welcome to the country! Anyway on with the story...
Steve did not sleep well that night. By the time he heard Kate pottering around as she got ready for work he was fairly convinced he would live the rest of his life in a wheelchair and impotent. And of course alone because who would want such a useless specimen as a husband or life partner. A disappointment not only to women but also his parents as he would be unable to provide them with the much hinted at and very much wanted grandchildren.
"You're up early," Kate commented as he wheeled himself into the kitchen. "Did I wake you?".
"No. Just didn't sleep very well last night," Steve admitted.
"You ok?" Kate asked, pausing from eating her toast.
"Fine,".
"You're sure,".
"Just leave it, Kate. I'm fine," Steve replied rather abruptly.
"Sorry," mumbled Kate. She was back to walking on egg shells around Steve's bad mood again and she wondered what had caused it this time. "I haven't done something to upset you have I?".
"No. I'm fine. Just tired, that's all," Steve replied, this time trying to sound less snappy. "Aren't you running a bit behind this morning?" he asked as he went about getting his own breakfast and feeling slightly guilty for wanting to get rid of Kate out the flat.
Kate looked at her watch. "Shit!" she exclaimed. Time had got away from her this morning- probably as she'd had a bit of a lie in as she was still quite tired from the previous day. She got up from her chair, put her plate in the dishwasher and poured the dregs of her cup of tea down the sink. She'd make herself another one as soon as she got to AC-12. She picked up her bag and headed to the front door. "See you later. Hopefully Hilton doesn't cause me as much of a headache as yesterday," she said before departing.
Steve listened to her footsteps fading down the hallway before going to a window which looked on to the car park of his building. He didn't have to wait long before he saw Kate walk to her car and head off to work. Once he knew she wouldn't be back he quickly found the contact number of his surgeon and gave her a phone call.
"Hello, Steve. How's it going?" the doctor asked when he finally got through to her.
"I need to come and see you," Steve said. "It's sort of urgent,".
"You haven't fallen again have you?" The surgeon asked worried.
"No. It's something else,".
"It would sort of help me out if you tell me what it is you're worried about,".
"It's...umm...a bit...delicate," Steve hesitated. For the first time since he'd been injured he wished he had a male surgeon who would sympathise immediately.
"Right," the doctor said, perplexed, although when a man was this evasive it usually had something to do with one of two bits of their anatomy. "I'm free at 11 am this morning. Can you get to the hospital for then?".
"Yes. I'll be there. Thank you," Steve replied gratefully, pleased his problem would be dealt with quickly.
True to his word, Steve was sat outside the doctors office at 11am. He'd phoned for a taxi explaining he was in a wheelchair as he needed to keep this particular visit to the doctors under Kate's radar.
He didn't have to wait long before his surgeon arrived in her theatre scrubs, sandwich and drink in hand. "Come on in, Steve," she said as she opened her office door. "You don't mind if I eat this as we talk do you?" she asked, indicating the things in her hand. "Early lunch before I am needed in theatre,".
"No problem," Steve replied as he followed her in to her office.
"So what is this delicate matter then?" she asked as she sat down and opened her sandwich packet.
"Umm, well...it's ...umm,".
"I'm going to need something a little bit more than that," the doctor said, after swallowing a bit of her sandwich.
"I can't seem to get...an...erection," Steve finally managed to get out. "And I don't think I've had one since the all this happened," he continued, indicating his wheelchair. "I guess what I'm worried about is, have I broken my... thing?" he asked, pointing to his crotch.
"Were you trying to have sex last night?" The doctor asked, suddenly realising she hadn't talked about the subject with her patient. It wasn't something she would advocate this quickly after a broken back.
"No!" Steve quickly replied.
"Because I wouldn't recommend...," the surgeon started, not quite believing Steve. He was a male after all.
"I wasn't!" Steve reiterated. "I just didn't respond to...my...err...stimulation," he muttered, highly embarrassed at discussing masturbation with a female.
The doctor looked at Steve as she pondered his plight. Again, this was a topic she hadn't discussed with Steve until now as getting back on his feet had been his main concern. As he got better, it was only normal for him to start resuming other normal activities and had obviously reached the point of wanting to get sexual pleasure. It was probably likely that his broken back and failure at achieving erections were linked, although how closely she wasn't sure. There was a very small chance he could have done some permanent damage although until she knew for sure she didn't want to alarm him unnecessarily.
"You're due a scan soon to check your back aren't you?" the doctor asked.
"Yeah. See if I can restart physio,".
"Why don't we get you in there today and have a look what's going on? I can get my urological colleagues to cast their eyes over the scan pictures as well,".
"Thank you," Steve replied. He watched as the doctor picked up her desk phone and called the radiology department. It wasn't a long call.
"You know your way to the scanner by now, don't you?" The doctor asked as she placed the receiver down. Steve nodded. "Get yourself down there then," she instructed. "If you hang around I can come and have a chat once I've seen the scans, but I have a quick trip to theatre first,".
With his scan done, Steve decided to head to the coffee shop for a drink and bite to eat. He'd only just joined the queue when his phone rang. It was Kate. Shit! So much for keeping this hospital trip under her radar. Should he ignore it or answer the call? He decided to answer because she'd only call umpteen times until he did. She was very persistent when she wanted to be.
"Hi," Kate greeted. "Just my usual call," she continued before noticing the extraordinary level of background noise wherever Steve was. "Where are you?" she asked, not unreasonably.
"The hospital," Steve admitted.
"What?" Kate asked, shocked. "Why? You haven't done something stupid have you?".
"No!" Steve replied. "My doctor phoned. There was a space in the scanner and she asked if I would like to take it. See how I'm progressing" he continued, telling a little white lie. "Having a bit of lunch and hopefully the doctor will be able to see me to talk about the results later,".
"That's good," Kate said. "You got there ok?".
"Obviously," Steve retorted. "Got a taxi, no problems,".
"You want me to come and pick you up?".
"Maybe," Steve replied. "If I'm still here. Not sure how long the surgeon will be in theatre,".
"Ok," replied Kate. "I hope it is good news, Steve. Let me know if you want that lift," she offered before hanging up.
"Steve?" a familiar voice said behind him in the queue. Steve turned around. It was Dan the physio, surprised to see his old patient back in the hospital. "Thought it was you. It's not six weeks already is it?".
"No. It's nothing. Just came to see the doctor about something," Steve replied, evasively.
"Kate around?".
"Nah. That was her on the phone. She's at work. Took a taxi,".
"Quite independent now aren't you?" Dan said, pleased at the progress Steve was making.
They reached the front of the queue and ordered what they wanted. "You wanna come and eat in the gym?" Dan asked.
Steve looked around. All the tables and chairs in the shop were taken. "Yeah. Thanks mate,".
They headed to Dan's room, chatting about things as they went. It wasn't long before they arrived at the gym, Dan holding the door open for Steve to wheel himself through. He looked around. His old friends, the parallel bars were still in the corner and he really hoped it wouldn't be long before he was giving them another go. He felt sure he could walk their whole length now.
"Let's eat at the desk," Dan suggested and they made their way over to it. "You wanna try them don't you?" he continued, nodding to the bars. He'd caught Steve staring wistfully at them.
"Can I?" asked Steve eagerly.
"No way!" retorted Dan. "Not until your surgeon gives the all clear. I'm not risking her wrath for anything, but it's good to see your motivation is back,". Steve slouched back in his chair disappointedly as he started to take a bite of his lunch. "So since when do doctors phone patients about spare spaces in scanners?" Dan asked. Steve looked at Dan. He had overheard his conversation with Kate and knew he was lying. "Is everything ok?".
Steve dumped his sandwich back in its packet, not feeling that hungry anymore. He knew Dan knew he had lied to Kate. Maybe it would help talking to a man about his problem, but why did it have to be so embarrassing?
"I'm worried that I can't seem to get a hard on," Steve finally admitted.
"That's shit. Sorry mate," Dan sympathised, instantly sharing Steve's pain.
"I just feel so totally fucking useless right now. Not much of my body is working as it should,".
"the doctor wanted you to have a scan?".
"Yeah. She will come and find me in a bit. I'm absolutely shitting myself that this will be permanent," Steve continued, letting all his pent up feelings out. "Who's ever gonna be interested in someone in a wheelchair who can't get it up?" he asked his physio.
"Hey, with me as your physic, you'll get back on your feet!" Dan promised.
"Alright. Who's gonna be interested in someone who can't get it up?" Steve amended.
"There's things you can try," Dan said, trying to offer some encouragement. "You don't always have to have sex to be intimate with someone,".
Steve smiled an ironic smile. That would never work for him. "I can't help but think this is some sort of punishment for my past behaviour. I am not proud to admit that I've shagged around a bit in my past. Got in trouble for it," Steve admitted, remembering Lindsey Denton. "Kate's had a go at me about it. So has my boss,". Dan looked at him not quite knowing what to say. "If I ever get to have sex again, I won't take it for granted, that's for sure,".
"I'm sure you'll get to have sex again, Steve,".
"I won't believe it until I do," Steve replied. "There's a really small part of me that's hoping this is all a big mistake. That nothing happened last night because I was so tense. And then to try and relax, I found myself thinking about Kate whilst I was trying to...y'know," he admitted.
"Oh yeah?" Dan asked. He was fairly sure that Steve and Kate felt more for each other than they were prepared to admit. Maybe this was the start of a break through?
"That's never happened before," Steve felt inclined to explain. "And then I'm wondering about why I was thinking about her at such a moment,".
"You were trying to analyse all of that whilst trying to have a wank?" Dan asked. Steve nodded. "No wonder you didn't have success!".
"Why is everything so complicated?" Steve asked.
"I'm afraid life generally is," the surgeon answered from the gym door. The two men had been so engrossed in their conversation that they had failed to realise they had been joined in the room by another person. "I thought you might be here,".
"You've seen my scans?" Steve asked. The doctor nodded. "That was quick. I thought you had surgery to do?".
"Patient wasn't as injured as I thought," the doctor answered.
"So what's the verdict?" Steve asked, bracing himself for bad news.
"I'm afraid you are going to have to try and work out your feelings about Kate on your own," the doctor continued as she walked over to Steve and perched on the desk. She had overheard the last part of Steve and Dan's conversation and felt similar to Dan on the topic of Steve and Kate. "I can help with the physical side of your problem,".
"So there is a problem?" Steve asked deflated.
"I don't think so, and neither does my colleague in urology. I've showed him your scans as well," she revealed. "I've got some good news first though," she continued. "The swelling in your back has improved enough for you to start physio again,".
"Really?" Said Steve, gladdened by that bit of news. Finally something was going right for him.
"Why don't you book yourself an appointment with Dan for next week, whilst you are here? I think you can manage two sessions a week and we'll see how that goes and hopefully increase you to three in the not too distant future,".
"I think I'll be able to fit you in," Dan said with a smile.
"And what about the other thing?" Steve asked. That particular problem was almost more important to him than being able to walk again.
"Well the nerves involved in you getting an erection do run through that area of swelling in your back," the doctor tried to explain. "And it looks like they've been squashed a bit which is why you are having the problem you describe,".
"But you just said the swelling was getting better," Steve argued. "So why isn't everything functioning normally?".
"Those nerves are very fine and have been affected by the swelling more than the big nerves that are involved in you walking," the doctor explained. "They've been squashed a bit more and will take a bit longer to recover,".
"And they will recover?".
"We don't see why not," the doctor replied and a huge weight lifted off Steve's shoulders. "There has been no other damage to the affected nerves that we can see. It will just take a bit of time. And maybe when you start the physio again, you might start to notice things..happening as your back improves,".
"Thank you," said Steve gratefully. Things were looking up, so to speak.
"Which brings me to this," the doctor added as she indicated a couple of leaflets in her hands. She offered them to Steve who took them and cast a glance at them.
'Sex after back injury' was the top one. Flicking though it there were a few diagrams of people having sex.
The doctor watched as Steve glanced at the leaflet. "When you finally are able to have sex, there are a few positions that would be favourable, at least for the next couple of months as they place less stress on your back," she advised.
"Right," replied Steve before picking up the next leaflet hoping this one wouldn't be as embarrassing. Unfortunately it was on a similar topic. 'Sexual function after back injury'.
"I don't know how long it will be for the nerves to recover enough for you to experience a full strength erection," the doctor said. "In the mean time you might be able to try medication or aids like constriction bands,". Steve looked quizzically at the doctor, not sure what she was talking about. "Cock rings," she said bluntly, knowing he would understand that.
"Please stop!" begged Steve. "This is more excruciating than the 'Facts of Life' talk my parents sat me down for when I was sixteen," he explained which caused the three in the room to laugh. There couldn't be anything worse than hearing about your parents sex life a young Steve had thought but he had been wrong. Your doctor talking about you using a cock ring to achieve a better erection was way way worse.
"Something for you to think about and discuss with your partner...whoever that may be,".
"Thanks," said Steve, not all that gratefully. He just wanted this whole conversation over with. He was saved by his phone.
"Hiya," it was Kate. "You still at the hospital? Can come and pick you up if you like. Gaffer let me off early. Up to date with everything,".
"Yeah. That'd be good, thanks, mate," Steve replied, keen to go home.
"See you in about 15 minutes then," Kate said before hanging up.
"I'll leave you guys to start arranging your physio sessions," the doctor said, preparing to leave. "Come see me after two weeks and we'll see about increasing your routine to three times a week, Steve," she said before departing.
"Thanks," Steve said as she left before turning to Dan. "Kate's on her way. Please don't mention anything about the other problem," Steve said as he placed the leaflets in the pocket on the back of his wheelchair. Out of sight, out of mind.
"No problem," Dan replied. "Let's have a look at the diary and pencil your first session in," he suggested.
The two men were still looking at dates when Kate poked her head in the gym. "Hey," she greeted them both. "What you up to?".
"Looking at when I can start my physio," Steve said happily.
"Good news from the scans then?" She deduced. Steve nodded and Kate was happy to see his mood much improved from the morning. "That's brilliant," she enthused. Kate turned to Dan. "He's been working hard on his exercises. I think you'll be impressed," she boasted.
"Can't wait to see him in action," Dan replied.
With the session time finally agreed, they said goodbye to Dan and headed to the car. Steve got himself in the passenger seat before Kate took the wheelchair to the boot. As she was folding it up, some leaflets fell to the floor.
Kate crouched to pick them up and couldn't help but see what they were about as they had opened as they fell. What was Steve doing with these? She wondered. It didn't take her long to reach a conclusion. Sam.
She pushed down an overwhelming sadness. She'd grown closer to Steve since moving in and she had entertained the thought that maybe they were moving towards some thing more than friends. But it didn't appear Steve felt the same way.
If only she hadn't totally scared him away by being so harsh with him when they had first met, he might notice her now.
Sighing she hurriedly put the leaflets back in the chair pocket and closed the boot. She had made a promise she would help Steve back on his feet and she had to see it through even if he got distracted with Sam. And of course she would be there to pick up the pieces if everything went wrong like she had done before. It was what a best friend did.
