Sam couldn't help but notice how quiet Lara had become compared to earlier. As they walked together to where they were supposed to meet her uncle for coffee, she studied Lara's facial expression out of the corner of her eye. Lara's brows were creased into a frown, with one brow raised slightly above the other in contemplation. Lara's eyes also darted around, as if searching for some answer that was hiding in plain sight. Sam reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a loose piece of spare change.

"Penny- er…" Sam glanced down at the coin that sat in the palm of her hand. "Nickel for your thoughts?" Sam held the coin out for Lara to take. The simple action seemed to jolt Lara back to reality as the pensiveness that adorned her features broke. The corners of her lips twitched upward as she accepted the nickel from Sam. By that point, the two of them were a block from where they had to meet Sam's uncle.

"I suppose I'm still fixated on that hospital bill," Lara admitted. Sam could acutely relate to fixating on finances. She still did not know how she was going to pay for the upcoming semester. "Sam," Lara continued at length, "can I ask you something personal?"

"Fire away," Sam said.

"How did you figure out you like women?"

Sam blinked in surprise at the sudden turn the conversation took.

"Well…" Sam began, "I kissed a girl in high school and liked it. It felt natural. Kissing boys didn't feel right." Sam swore she saw a frown flash across Lara's features as they entered the cafe together. Before she could ask Lara what had prompted such a question, she was greeted by her uncle's wave from a nearby booth that he sat at. He stood up when Sam approached the table and hugged her.

"What happened to your arm?" Uncle Toru asked Lara once he and Sam had broken their embrace.

"Well, you see…" Lara began with a small laugh.

"Apparently it's my fault for not teaching her how to stop and turn," Sam remarked with a smirk in Lara's direction.

"Yes. Sam didn't teach me how to ice skate properly," Lara continued with a nod.

"Are you okay though?" Toru asked as they all got in line to get coffee.

"For the most part, yeah. Not being able to use my right hand is rather inconvenient, however," Lara replied. They all ordered a coffee and, after Uncle Toru paid, were shortly seated back at the booth. Shortly thereafter, Lara began to ask Uncle Toru about his work and company and Sam's brain instinctively tuned out the scientific discourse and wandered. As her gaze came to a rest on Lara as she chatted away animatedly, Sam thought back to the conversation they had been having together right before entering the cafe. Just what had prompted Lara's sudden interest in her sexuality?

Is she questioning or something? Sam wondered. As she continued to zone out and let her brain run all of its background processes, a ton of puzzle pieces began to slide into place for her. A volt of realization zapped through Sam's brain and spine. How did it take her so long to see? Between Lara's frequent blushes, how easily Lara got flustered around her, the frequently avoided eye contact, and the extra mile that Lara seemed to be willing to go to help her, there had been signs for weeks. Lara liked her. Sam felt blood rush to her cheeks, and she promptly excused herself to the bathroom. After locking herself in a stall, she let out a long groan of despair. What do I do?

As hard as it was to believe, Sam had been a baby gay herself at one point in time. The story went all the way back to the girl she kissed in high school that she had told Lara about. This happened back when she lived in Chicago. The girl was one of those cute alt chicks, Sam could tell she was alt by the subtle ways she had chosen to accessorize her bag since they all had to wear a school uniform and abide by the dress code. She was one of those My Chemical Romance and A Day To Remember type of girls, the type of chick her parents would have hated. Maybe that's why she started crushing on her; maybe she represented a life that Sam wanted to pursue for herself, one where freedom and individuality still shine through even in spite of her environment's efforts to stifle her shine.

The story wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, though. Even though she didn't really feel attracted to anyone before seeing this girl, dating guys was the norm in her upbringing. It was always impressed upon her that she'd marry a man and wind up having kids. Sam didn't really see herself as having another future at the time, so she was always convinced that maybe she was just picky about her partners. It never occurred to her that she just didn't like men. Once she started having romantic thoughts about women, it took her a while to come to terms with reality. Why wouldn't it when she existed in a society that didn't want people like her to exist? But still, that alt chick with My Chemical Romance and A Day To Remember patches on her bag always resurfaced in the hall.

For months, Sam looked for any and every reason to justify why she wasn't gay to herself. She'd tell herself that maybe she just wanted to be really good friends with the rebellious alt girl. Maybe she just thought she was really cool. Maybe she just really liked her hair. In retrospect, Sam couldn't help but laugh at herself. It had taken her so long to finally work up the courage to talk to the cute alt chick, when she finally did, she learned her name was Melissa. She really liked Melissa, actually. It was a shame that she had to move shortly after they began dating and cut off their relationship prematurely, much like what had happened with Jess.

Sam felt like she was starting to detect a theme in her relationships.

She drew in a deep breath with her diaphragm and let out a long sigh. If what Lara was going through was what Sam was reasonably certain she was going through, then it was understandable that Lara wasn't comfortable enough with the situation to address it. The only thing was that she actually did like Lara back. She liked Lara a lot, how couldn't she? Lara was smart, charming, attractive, she had her shit together–she was the full package. So she was afraid of the situation never being addressed if she left it up to Lara to figure her sexuality out at her own pace.

Maybe it was for the best that a romance didn't bud between them, however. Especially when Sam had no clue what her future held. The last thing she needed was to get emotionally invested in someone else only to…

She took another deep breath and let herself out of the bathroom. She didn't feel like getting caught up in her emotions right then.

"We were just wondering about you," Lara said once Sam had rejoined the table.

"I fell in the toilet," Sam replied sarcastically, and she took a drink of her coffee.

"So Sam, when do you go back to London?" Uncle Toru asked.

"Four days," Sam said.

"Any other plans while you're here? Ideally ones that don't involve any more shoulder injuries?" Uncle Toru continued with a small laugh. Sam shrugged.

"I know Antonia and Hisao are doing dinner tomorrow, but I don't really care about that since they already-" Sam caught herself before she said 'disowned me' and redirected her speech, "gave Julia the holiday off. I mean, Antonia isn't exactly the best cook in the world considering she's barely been in the kitchen for eight years." Uncle Toru considered her for a few moments.

"If that's the case," he said, "why don't you two and Naomi come have dinner with me? I can send my driver."

"I'd say 'count us in,'" Sam said.

"Sounds like a plan then," Toru declared, "I'm afraid I'm not the best chef, however, so we'll have to order out." Sam flashed her uncle a grin.

"Still beats Antonia's cooking."


After the two of them returned to Sam's parents' place, Sam spent the rest of her evening in the library listening to Lara make back and forth calls with the billing agency used by the hospital they had visited for Lara's shoulder. Tedious as the process was, Sam had to give Lara credit for her persistence. Lara was going through every individual item listed on her medical bill and disputing the charges.

"Ten dollars for a band-aid?!" Lara demanded at some point, "Has the economy really tanked that much over here that inflation has gotten so high? Help me understand, Jennifer, because I'm really quite lost." Sam didn't wish it upon her worst enemy to be the operator on the other end of the line.

She didn't remember when she fell asleep, only that when she woke up, she saw Lara sitting at one of the desks on her laptop. The light that flooded into the room from one of the windows told Sam that it was now Christmas Eve day. She yawned and stretched in an attempt to alleviate some of the soreness she felt from sleeping in such an awkward position on one of the reading couches.

"Good morning," Lara said to Sam while keeping her eyes fixated on the laptop screen.

"Were you up all night?" Sam asked as she drew herself to an upright sit.

"Not the entire night."

"Did that lady wind up helping you with your bill?"

"Well," Lara began with a self-satisfied smirk, "I think Jennifer got tired of dealing with me because she eventually put me on the phone with a patient advocate who got my bill discounted."

"So how much do you owe now?" Sam asked.

"About eight hundred and fifty dollars."

"Well that's better, right?"

"Much," Lara murmured as she scrolled down the mouse wheel.

"What are you up to now," Sam asked, nodding in the direction of Lara's laptop.

"Looking at flats for let."

"'For let' means 'for rent,' right?"

"Yes. Would you like to see?" Lara asked, turning her attention to Sam.

"Sure." Sam got to her feet and walked over to the desk to peer over Lara's shoulder at the screen. The smell of lavender tickled Sam's nose and almost made Sam drunk off the relaxed stupor it induced in her.

"So Islington, the area Uni is in, is a bit expensive to live in, so I've been looking at Barking and Enfield."

"How far from campus is that?" Sam looked at Lara.

"About thirty to forty minutes by public transit."

"That's not awful," Sam mused, "and is this a place you're looking at?" She pointed at the screen, upon which a floor plan and some photos were displayed.

"Yes, the rooms are a bit modest but I figured you'd care more about having a large common area to store your sound and video equipment in." Sam examined the photos of the apartment as Lara scrolled through them. The rooms were smaller than the dorm she and Lara lived in, but it seemed like she'd still have more space to herself than in their current living arrangement. Having an actual kitchen was also a plus.

"How much does this one cost?" Sam asked.

"About twelve hundred a month. Plus bills."

"That's really cheap."

"I think it's probably going to wind up being about the same cost-wise as living in the hall after utilities."

"Meaning?"

"It will probably cost closer to nine hundred a person."

"Does that make that much of a difference?"

"It does when you make fifteen pounds an hour," Lara said. Sam blinked. She hadn't thought about that aspect of her situation.

"...How much is tuition again?"

"For international students? I'm not sure, let's check." Lara pulled up a page on UCL's website, and Sam saw that her tuition would amount to about twelve thousand pounds.

"So, if I make fifteen an hour, pay nine hundred a month for an apartment, plus another thousand a month for tuition…" Sam blinked again. It occurred to her right then that she'd only be just barely able to survive by working full time. But would she be able to handle both working full time and being a full time student? Sam scratched the back of her head as she thought. "I don't know if this is going to work," she declared.

"It's difficult," Lara agreed, "but the struggle would only be temporary. I did look into financial aid in your country, there's this form you fill in, the FAFSA. If you can fill in a form called a 'dependency override,' you might get some grant money."

"I guess. This is the first I'm hearing of any of this…" Sam continued to scratch the back of her head. "I have no proof that I'm financially independent though."

"Not yet."

"I guess," Sam repeated, thinking of the amount of hours she had to put into doing just schoolwork alone every week. How many hours did she put in a week to get good grades? Twenty? Plus the time she spent attending class? That meant she would essentially have seventy hour work weeks if she were to try to work her way through school. Lara might be able to run like a fine oiled machine, but not her. She couldn't do it with her anxiety. Her chest already felt tight just thinking about the battle that lay ahead. "I'm fucked," Sam blurted out, turning away from Lara. Her heart began to race and her fingers started to tingle and go numb. She knew this feeling well. Whatever breath she drew in didn't seem to be enough for her lungs. Sam heard the scrape of a chair behind her as her breath quickened.

"Hey," Lara cooed, "you're not fucked, everything is going to be fine, I promise." Sam shook her head vigorously as her breath continued to flutter in her chest.

"No," Sam gasped out in between breaths, "no, you don't get it." Her hands had begun to tremble and the numbness and tingling had spread to her face. "Your brain works, mine doesn't." It had been hard enough for her to scrape together a good academic performance the previous semester. How could she be asked to do even more now?

"I do get it, I do," Lara insisted, but Sam ignored her as her chest had begun to hurt. Her knees had grown weak and she could barely support herself. Darkness began to close in on the edges of her vision. She felt like she was going to die, and wondered if that was the case.

A hand grabbed hold of her shoulder and turned her around, and the next thing she knew, she was engulfed by the smell of lavender as Lara pulled her into a tight one-armed embrace. Sam closed her eyes and let herself fixate on the warm pressure coiled around her. She rested her head on Lara's chest and listened to the beat of Lara's heart, heard the breaths that Lara took and tried to match them. Her heart rate gradually regulated as she took deep breaths in through her nose and exhaled through her mouth.

"I understand what it's like to have an uncertain future," Lara said, her words vibrating through her chest and into Sam as she spoke. Their frequency soothed Sam. "That's why I'm telling you everything's going to be fine. I promise it will be okay in the end."

"I hope so," Sam murmured. She felt very tired all of a sudden.

"Can I tell you a story?" Lara asked. Sam nodded into her. "When I was eleven years old, I hiked up Snowdon with Roth. Now you probably have never been to Snowdon, but it's quite a hike to the summit. My legs really hurt, and I wanted to give up, I'd rolled my ankle on about fifty rocks in the process," Lara laughed, "but I didn't stop and the view at the top was so worth it. The key to reaching the top for me was to just keep moving. Since then, that's been my mantra any time I find myself in a scary place. 'Just keep moving.'"

"Just keep moving," Sam repeated.

"Exactly. It doesn't matter if it's ten meters or a kilometer, as long as you keep moving that's all that matters. Even when my father died, all I kept saying was 'just keep moving.' What else can you do otherwise? Lie down and give up? It's hard to be in a rough spot, and it's hard to get yourself out of the rough spot. Which one would you choose?"

"To keep moving," Sam replied. Lara let out a small puff of amusement.

"Seems like you already get it, then."


Though her talk with Lara and a nap made Sam feel better, she was still out of sorts even as she snuck out of her parents' home with Lara and Naomi later in the evening. Her parents were apparently too absorbed in talking and cooking to notice the heavy penthouse door open then click shut. Once they were all securely stowed away in the elevator, they relaxed and began to chat amongst themselves.

"Can you imagine the looks on their faces when they realize no one is home?" Naomi asked.

"They'd probably be more upset about not being able to control Christmas than the fact that their children are missing," Sam spat cynically. Her uncle's driver, Aries, was waiting for them out in front of the building in a Mercedes minivan. It was her uncle's company car–one of them, at least. "Hi, Aries."

"Hello Ms. Samantha, nice to see you again."

"You as well. How've you been?" Sam asked as Lara and Naomi got in the car ahead of her. Aries shrugged.

"When your uncle is in New York, he keeps me busy. He's been in California a lot though, so I haven't been very busy. He still takes care of me though."

"Oh yeah?" Sam asked as she got into the minivan.

"Of course, he pays for my schooling as long as I'm employed by him."

"Well that's good," Sam said absently. The vehicle began to move, and Aries struck up a conversation with Lara and Naomi. Sam watched her sister talk, and a sense of melancholy overtook her. That was right. School wasn't the only problem she had. What was going to happen to her sister when she went back to England? What could she even do for her sister? She was depending on Lara for a roof over her head, not that she particularly enjoyed that fact or found it easy to digest. She definitely didn't have space to accommodate her sister in England. How would that even work? Sam turned her head to look out the window and rested her forehead against the cool glass. She resisted the urge to let out the disparaged sigh welled up within her as she watched the buildings drift by.

She wasn't sure if she imagined it or not, but she was relatively certain that she could feel Lara's eyes burning into the back of her head. She ignored them. At that point in time, she was sick of needing other people to help her. Sick of being dependent on other people. Being dependent on other people was the reason why she was between a rock and a hard place to begin with. An image of a tick flashed through Sam's mind, and she gnashed her teeth together.

Everything that happened thereafter felt like a blur to her, caught up in her own thoughts as she was. She barely remembered getting out of the car and entering her uncle's residence. She barely remembered the words she exchanged with her uncle when he greeted her, nor what type of food he had ordered. Any answers she provided to questions provided answers and nothing more. She did not crack jokes like usual. She was not anchored in the present, only the future. But what was there to even think about when her fate was already sealed? The futility of the matter was silly, really. What did she expect-

"Sam," Uncle Toru called out to her emphatically, capturing her attention even if for a moment.

"Huh?" Sam blurted out, blinking dimly, "Sorry."

"Can you help me retrieve something from the kitchen real quick?" Uncle Toru asked.

"Uh…yeah," Sam clambered to her feet and followed her uncle. She wasn't sure what he needed help with considering he had ordered their dinner.

"Okay…" Uncle Toru began when they were both tucked away in his kitchen, "Did something happen that you're not telling me?"

"Huh?"

"You can't fool me. I actually pay attention to you girls unlike your parents, and you normally aren't this quiet unless something is going on. So I'll ask again: did something happen?" Sam wanted to scream. She knew her uncle would drop everything to help her. She had such an easy way out of her misery right in front of her. But what good would that do her? Taking her uncle's money to fund her education would put her in the same position she started in, one of dependence.

"Can we not?" Sam groaned.

"So something did happen." Sam let out a huff of frustration.

"Fine, yes. A lot of stuff has happened."

"Like?"

"Uncle."

"I'm not going to stop until you tell me what's going on."

"Why?"

"Because I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on-"

"That's just the problem!" Sam snapped, causing her uncle to flinch. She immediately felt guilt for her actions. "I'm sorry. I'm just so fucking tired of needing help." She walked over to the kitchen table and flopped down in a seat. Uncomfortable silence hung in the air between them for a while, with neither one of them looking at the other. Of course, she had just unfairly adopted a tone with her uncle, so it made sense why he was being so reserved. When Sam couldn't stand the quiet any more, she spoke, "I'm frustrated, Uncle. Do you want to know why?"

"That's what I've been trying to find out," Uncle Toru replied, taking a seat across from her.

"Well, Naomi and Antonia got into a fight. I decided to step in, but then Hisao got involved and things escalated from there. Things escalated to a very uncomfortable level if I'm being honest." Sam let out an exasperated laugh and threw her hands up in front of her, "I'm now scared for my little sister's well-being after I go back to England. But am I going back to England? Hell if I fucking know, because dad just disinherited me. And now? It's starting to hit me that I don't have a fucking clue how to do anything. So now my roommate is trying to offer to help me and make a down payment on an apartment, but that's not fair to her. But I have no money to my name. And the thing is, taking other people's money my entire life is the reason why I don't have any of my own money now!" Sam slapped her hand on her palm for every word at the end of her rant for dramatic effect. "I don't know how to do shit. That's why I'm frustrated." Her throat burned, and her voice began to squeak towards the end, and she realized she had tears rolling down her cheeks. She scrunched her face up in an attempt to hold them back. Across the table from her, her uncle observed her with soft eyes. They sat there in silence for a short while.

"Okay…" Uncle Toru said at length, "I get it."

"Do you?" Sam demanded.

"I do. Let me tell you a story," Toru said. Sam wondered how many bedtime stories she'd have to hear that day. "There was once a young man who left his entire life behind to study at an American university. He did so because he wanted to escape family cycles and break them. This man's brother did not conduct his life the same way however. Now, this young man became an old man and started to see these toxic cycles emerge in his brother's family and affect his nieces, whom he loved very much. So, this old man tried to do what he could to try to protect his nieces from the family cycles." Uncle Toru sighed. "Even though I always tried my best to help you girls, it never occurred to me that by shielding you from Hisao's control I was also shielding you from your own control. I'm sorry for that." Sam felt guilt well up in her once more.

"Uncle, I didn't mean to-"

"No, but you have a point. If your parents weren't going to show you how to function in life, then I could have at least done so as the only other adult in your life. In fact, I'd say that it was my duty to do so as the only other adult in your life. I did you a disservice by not giving you the tools you need to create your own solutions."

"It's not your fault, Uncle."

"Then whose is it? Yours? When all you have to follow are the examples set for you? And we both know that your parents didn't set any examples for you. Not good ones, anyway."

You can say that again, Sam thought.

"So," Uncle Toru continued, "let's fix that. Let's try to give you back some control over your life."

"Well, for starters Naomi-" Sam stopped mid-sentence when she saw her uncle shake his head vigorously.

"Don't worry about your sister. If the situation is as bad as you say, I will handle it. I'm more concerned about what you need in order to succeed. On that note…" He took a few moments to think. "Here's my question: would you like to go back to school this semester?"

"Not if you pay for my tuition."

"I see," Uncle Toru remarked, "well… How about this? Would you at least let me give you enough to afford your initial apartment payments so that your roommate doesn't have to pay? As well as maybe a little extra for food and other necessities? I'm not offering to completely finance you, but by God, Samantha, it's Christmas! At least let me give you a bit of breathing room here." Sam took a moment to consider her uncle.

"It would at least move me forward ten feet," she mused.

"Exactly. It's much easier to build your castle when you have a foundation to work with. Besides which point, I am very familiar with how financial aid works because I have established multiple grant funds myself. We could always do a dependency override and see if you qualify for a Pell Grant, which you should if you have a job and your own address and your parents aren't funding you anymore."

"Does the Pell Grant give a lot of money or something?"

"It'd probably cover half of your tuition." Sam felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

"Is a dependency override easy to do?"

"There's a process involved. But the worst case scenario? You fall a semester behind and pick your education back up in the summer or fall. These types of things happen, but that doesn't mean that everything won't work out in the end. That's why I'm here. I'm not saying things are going to be easy because you're still going to have to work, but you at least won't have to work as much. Grants will give you some breathing room."

"This is honestly what my roommate was trying to tell me earlier now that I think about it, but I was too stressed out to listen. She was talking about filling in a 'fasfa' or something."

"The FAFSA, yes you're going to want to fill that out once your dependency override goes through. It takes about twenty minutes to do, it's not difficult at all. I can walk you through the process when the time comes."

Sam exhaled in relief. Not a lot had changed about her present situation, but she felt better than she had before. Maybe it was because she had at least had a direction to go.

"So." Uncle Toru stretched in his chair before he continued speaking, "Here's what's going to happen from here: we're going to go back out to the living room, where your roommate and sister are probably waiting in confusion. We're going to have a lovely holiday tonight and tomorrow and not worry about any of the bullshit. The day after Christmas, I'm going to take you out to set up a new bank account so I can wire you some money to start you off. We're just gonna take this step by step. Sound good?"

"I… Yes. Thank you, Uncle, I honestly feel better."

"Of course, that was my goal. Now…" Toru got to his feet and opened his freezer, "Gelato?"

"Please."

With desserts in tow, Sam made her way back to the living room with her uncle in elevated spirits, fully anchored in the moment once more. No, her situation wasn't perfect, but what was the point of fixating on hypotheticals that she had no control over? She wanted to be an artist someday. She wanted her degree, and she wasn't going to let her manipulative chauvin of a father take that from her. No matter what direction the future took, none of it mattered. The only thing she could do was focus on what she did have control over. All she could do was take things step by step.

All she had to do was just keep moving.


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