Chapter 29: Here or There
The chapter of futures being decided, once and for all.
Monika looked up at the rearview mirror to see a girl she hardly recognized staring back at her with trepidation accumulating within her eyes. She had grown so used to looking like an utter wreck for those few weeks, like a crazy-cat lady that had been dragged through a dumpster and found the concept of toothpaste to be mortifying. So consumed with her failures she had stopped taking care of herself in all of the most important ways; eating, bathing, even her fluid intake had been dangerously strained after everything had gone wrong. The breakup hadn't been the sole reason for her unraveling, but it had certainly been the match that had burnt her out. She hated appearing as though she had relied so heavily on a relationship, it made her feel pathetic.
Sayori never let her think that way for long though.
Monika knew there were a lot of factors that were involved, from trauma to guilt to loneliness and everything seemingly in-between, yet at the end of the day she couldn't help but think that yet again she had let a relationship take control of her life. That her feelings had again raised her higher than ever before only to slam her back into the ground. The words she had told herself alone in the woods had rang in her head for days, and deleting herself hadn't shaken them from her memory.
Maybe this is why… maybe we're not fit for relationships.
She tried not to think about that, about how much truth might be within those words. Instead she focused on the girl in the mirror. The girl in the mirror was pretty, her cheeks only slightly sunken and deep circles under her eyes covered from a heavy layer of concealer. Her long hair was clean and silky, punctuated by a black bow as dark as coal with veins of gold zig-zagging through like bolts of lighting. A nice brown button up shirt that she had originally bought for a date and a long belted skirt was her ensemble for the day, considering it was the nicest and most formal pair of clothes that she owned. Perhaps their colors were inappropriate for the occasion, but they doubled for the meeting that was to come after, and as time was somewhat of the essence, it was a necessary sacrifice.
She glanced over in the seat beside her, where Sayori sat looking out of the backseat window, watching the overcast sky drift by as Yuri's familiar silver hatchback drove them past blurred houses and powerlines. The outer limits of Yakumo were quiet despite being on the coast, and they passed few locations of interest which seemed to only add to the dreary atmosphere that followed them. Sayori was dressed in similarly warm colors, bobbing her head softly to an imaginary beat, but even she looked anxious for what was to come. Monika couldn't blame her, she had the feeling neither of them had ever been to a cemetery before.
They passed a corner where a small shrine sat amongst a bundle of houses, and just ahead Monika could see it. Rows and rows of endless stone monuments that took up an entire field like a maze with flowers guiding the path that weaved between the rows. The car slowed to an idle, and the silence that followed when Yuri turned off the car was absolutely deafening. Yuri sighed, crossing her arms over the steering wheel and setting her head against them without a sound. She was the only one properly dressed for the occasion in Monika's opinion, with a black shoulder-strapped dress and an ashen cardigan for the cold. For a moment, the three of them simply sat in their seats, nobody seeming eager to be the first to step out of the car and break the silence. Yuri took a few deep breaths from the driver's seat, before sitting up straight in an obvious attempt at steeling herself.
"We shouldn't keep Natsuki waiting." She finally mumbled, unbuckling her seatbelt and stepping out before anyone could oppose. Monika swapped glances with Sayori and the two shared a silent understanding before doing the same. Yuri had likely made enough visits to cemeteries to last a lifetime with the loss of her parents, and yet here she was, enduring one more for the sake of her friend. As Monika followed behind, she noticed a patch of black on Yuri's head as her roots had begun to grow out and weave within her usual violet hair that was already reaching for tips of Yuri's shoulders. It was strange to Monika that the passage of time seemed more apparent in the way her friends changed rather than the weather or the seasons, but she supposed after seeing them the same way for so long any change was a stark contrast for her even still.
Though the sky overhead remained gloomy and gray, there was no sound of thunder or rushing winds which Monika was thankful for. Rain would've been too much, and far too cliche for her liking. No, she liked the ceiling of clouds above them, not too sunny to insult the occasion, and not too dour to slap them in the face.
"How much further is she?" Sayori called up softly. Yuri didn't turn back, she was walking carefully and precisely while counting out the rows of plots under her breath as though it was a tradition.
"She's… a little under halfway. Kisaragi starts with 'K', therefore…" Her voice trailed off though her lips continued moving, still counting and mouthing the rows to herself. Monika saw Sayori nod and glance off out of the corner of her eye, looking at the rows of graves and giving them sad smiles before turning back to face her. Her look alone was enough to shake Monika, but when she silently held out her hand for Monika to take she knew better than to deny it. She had been trying to respect Sayori's personal space and not initiate any unwanted touch or closeness, something that was very much a personal battle that waged inside of her head, but here in the quiet of the dead she understood the desire to feel something alive. After what they had been through, neither wanted to feel alone in a place like this.
Sayori's hand was warmth incarnate, pulsing blood and flesh that fit perfectly in Monika's palm, but like so many months ago she harassed herself internally for enjoying something so innocent. She felt guilt for enjoying something so tender when it was nothing more than a simple reassurance for a friend. Like many of Monika's problems, it proved to be an absolutely dreadful mental battle. Her only way to rationalize it was that so long as instances like these were initiated by Sayori and not her, then she could rest a little easier on her conscience.
Sayori didn't seem to notice anything off or conflicting about holding Monika's hand, but then again, Sayori had been emotionally intelligent before having the secrets of the world thrust upon her. Her knowledge of their history had certainly changed her, but in smaller ways than Monika had anticipated. Before she could have seen Sayori smiling sadly at being surrounded by so many who had passed on, but finding a sort of joy in still being fortunate enough to be alive. Now, she saw just that walking beside her, but the tiredness of experience was there in Sayori's eyes if she looked hard enough. It was the kind of look that couldn't be fought off or scrubbed away; Monika had tried a hundred times.
"She's… just over there. Ah, oh dear…" Yuri suddenly said, stopping both girls in their tracks. Sure enough, there in the middle of a row of flowered graves and monuments, stood a simple solitary pillar with the kanji for "Kisaragi" engraved onto the front. There were no flowers in the vase at the base of the grave, but there was a girl with pink hair and a short frame sitting before it with a bowl in front of her and a bottle beside her. A white medical patch covered her right eye, and in place of a cross someone had sharpied a red heart onto the center of it. She sat in an awkward position, with one foot crossed over the other in what might have been described as comfortable were it not for gauze wrapped around her ankle and the crutches beside her.
Natsuki was staring at the grave with a look Monika couldn't quite pin down; there was a pain in her eye, but antipathy in the way her lip curled as she stared into the bowl before her. She didn't seem to have noticed their approach, remaining quite still until Yuri stepped before the grave as well and knelt down beside her. Immediately her scowl faded and she took on a far more neutral look as she looked up to Yuri and then back at Monika and Sayori. It was a testament to the nature of occasion that she didn't grin or try and crack any witty one-liners, instead she simply turned back to the grave and clicked her tongue.
"Buried him while I was in the hospital. Since mom left us years ago and I'm pretty sure her side of the family hates us, I doubt anyone actually came to his wake. Can't say the dickhead had any friends either except for whatever coworker he was screwing, so it's just me. As usual." Natsuki breathed hard through her nose and shook her head, corking the bottle of sake beside her. "Don't worry, I didn't drink any. I just…" Her voice quivered and her head gave a little twitch that Monika recognized from the many times she had tried to fight off tears, but Yuri placed a hand gently on her shoulder.
Nobody said anything, but perhaps Yuri could tell that silent support was exactly what Natsuki needed because for a few moments they did nothing but stare at the grave. Slowly, Natsuki raised her own hand, placing it over Yuri's and without a word Yuri took the bottle off of the ground and gently stuffed it into her purse. Sayori squeezed Monika's hand, and Monika returned it wholeheartedly. Sometimes you didn't need words of comfort, and with someone who struggled with accepting any form of pity or care like Natsuki, sometimes more was said without them.
After she and Sayori had returned to their apartment several mornings prior, with the both of them showering and promptly passing out on a bundle of blankets and pillows since neither was up to putting air back into it (Monika had spotted Sayori's band shirt beside the mattress and kicked it into the hamper before Sayori could see it, nearly breaking her toe with how fast she had done so), Yuri had been the first to contact them. As Sayori had explained to her beforehand, nobody had remembered Monika's existence during absence, and yet once she had returned it was as though the entire thing was a brushed-over accident. Yuri had texted Monika several times that morning begging for her forgiveness for not checking in on her, while her job and school were under the impression that the days she had been gone were excused absences, and Monika had seen no reason for her to correct them.
Yuri had explained that while Natsuki's injuries had slowly started to heal, the natural healing process had to be accelerated artificially to prevent her from succumbing. Natsuki, as Yuri told it, had started to consider herself a burden to everyone more and more, from her expenses to her lack of progress in getting better, on top of the guilt in her father's death. This in turn had led to a near complete standstill of her recovery to the point that Yuri began to fear Natsuki would either ask to be discharged against medical advisement so as to cease any sense of being a burden, or worse.
Naturally, they had gone to see Natsuki that very day since both girls felt partially responsible. Sayori, who had accidentally let slip that Natsuki's father was dead, and Monika, who would continue to beat herself down knowing that had she not slacked off on checking on Natsuki, things might've turned out differently. She had already told Sayori how it wasn't her fault and that she shouldn't feel responsible, and of course Sayori had done the same to her, but both girls felt it pertinent that they be there to support Natsuki after their respectful absences.
After a morning of getting used to existing again, an odd but also familiar experience for Monika, she and Sayori had been picked up by Yuri so that they could all visit Natsuki together. Yuri had prepared them for the worst: a frail body, sunken eyes, a raspy voice that was fit only for the dead. Instead, they were greeted by Natsuki eating a bowl of fish and rice in bed, focusing on criss-crossing her colors in the coloring book she had gotten for Christmas. She was gaunt, but her skin wasn't as white as Monika remembered. Her eyes carried bags, but there was a spark of life in them that none of them had seen in weeks. Natsuki was so excited to see Monika and Sayori that she practically spilled her lunch in an effort to punch their shoulders ("You! Absolute! Shitheads! I thought you were both gone- I mean, I knew Sayori was but like, Monika I thought you- you know, left or something!") much to the nurse's chagrin.
According to Natsuki, her body had finally begun to accept the accelerants and had started to slowly but surely fix itself, improving her mental state which in turn gave way for her body to continue fighting off her aspergillosis without completely sucking her dry. The staff was optimistic in her recovery, while Yuri had been flat out ecstatic. Monika had never seen her with more energy than Sayori but the way she kept bouncing on her feet and flashing gleeful looks between her and Natsuki was heartwarming to say the least. Monika knew what it meant for her, to see someone she cared for get better after being on edge for what was nigh on a month, worrying whether or not they would live to see the next day. Monika had been there before. She knew that fear well.
While Yuri had focused on holding Natsuki's fingers and going over her current symptoms for reassurance, Monika had pulled Sayori to the back of the room.
"I thought she'd…" Monika had begun, but the end needed no clarification.
"Isn't it great? I told you there would be a way that didn't involve editing any of the stats or files!" Sayori's whisper was gleeful, but Monika couldn't help but look perplexed at the sight before her.
"Well of course it's great but, how? She's been alone and bedridden for weeks, depressed to the point that nobody was sure if she was going to pull through. I mean, for her body to just… start working, surely that has to be something unnatural right? They have to be behind this, don't they? Or… you?" She wanted Sayori to admit that there was something funny at play, or that she had gone back and stealthily raised up Natsuki's immune system in the code or something, but Sayori just smirked and shrugged.
"Why does it have to be? Just because it's unlikely? Maybe she just actually got lucky, you know?" She proposed. "There doesn't always have to be some hidden truth or secret motive, sometimes the world just works in funny ways. Is every person who miraculously survives a catastrophe actually subject to a higher power's interference- I mean, we both came out of that river solely because the rain had raised the water level so high, remember? Did they make it rain, knowing we would fall in and need help, or did we just get lucky? Maybe Natsuki could feel the both of us come back and that gave her the hope to push on. Sometimes, things just happen. I'm okay with leaving it at that, that for once in her life she won the luck of the draw."
Monika didn't have an argument for that; not that she wanted one of course, she was thrilled to see Natsuki still alive and on a slow but steady path to recovery. "But… you said that we'd find a way to work everything out without the files. Did you know? What if… what if you were wrong, and Natsuki hadn't made it?" She glanced over to Sayori, but Sayori was already staring at her with a very sad and very knowing smile. For a second, Monika thought she saw a glint of light reflected in those big blue eyes, like a hundred images flashing by in less than an instant, but a second later she was sure that it had merely been a trick of the light.
"I think," She mumbled softly, "that if we worry too much about what could've been, we'll forget to enjoy what's going on right now. We're really fortunate that we're all still in one piece considering everything, so let's go tease her for letting Yuri hold her hand like that without putting up a fight!" Sayori had smiled and sauntered off, and for a moment Monika had wanted to stop her and theorize, to question and pick apart just how and why, but when she saw Yuri trying to hold back her tears, Natsuki with her pinky tightly coiled around Yuri's, and Sayori giving them both a big smile with her hands behind her back, she couldn't bring herself to speak her questions. So she saved them, joining the group with a genuine smile and a desire to just be normal for a few minutes more.
Sayori was the one who had come up with the plan, and when she told Natsuki and Yuri, neither one showed any hesitation. It was a Sayori plan in every meaning of the term, with little time to actually prepare, a hundred variables, and little to no guarantee that it would work at all. Yet at the same time, Monika couldn't help but put her faith in Sayori. If she could forgive a miserable wretch like her, then she had no doubt she could make this work. The other two, while supportive, had questions.
"So, who's to say your mom won't just be waiting at Monika's apartment with a squad car or something? This relies on a lot of things to go your way, and from the sound of it there really isn't any telling what level your mom will stoop to." Natsuki coughed. Yuri patted her back but seemed to share her sentiments, nodding in agreement beside her. Sayori tapped her fingers together and rolled her head back and forth, giving an uneasy smile as she looked at each of them.
"Weeeell, Mom probably didn't find out about my breakout until this morning since the camp's power was out." She explained. "But I decided to text her so that way she wouldn't worry too much, I told her I was safe and that I was going to be waiting for her in Yakumo on the twenty-seventh, and that I wanted to talk to her in person with a mediator. I technically didn't lie, since I will be here on the twenty-seventh, I just didn't mention that I was already here. But that should give me some time to figure everything out!"
"Psh, bet she loved that." Natsuki snickered. Sayori smiled sadly and held out her phone, scrolling through a line of missed calls from her mother that went on for so long that Monika felt herself getting nervous, and she didn't even have a mother. After pocketing her phone, she gave a nervous little shrug as though the entire matter was no big deal.
"Ehehe, you know, just family stuff. Um, but yeah. That's my idea! I was going to talk to her at the apartment, but that's kinda small and messy and I feel like she might use that to her advantage somehow." She thought about it for a second, tapping her finger against her chin before suggesting, "Maybe a restaurant or something? I don't know if I could eat during something so tense though, ehe. Can you imagine me just throwing up eggs in the middle of a heated conversation? Bleh!"
Natsuki cringed and shook her head. "Oh God, come on, don't put that image in my head while I'm recovering. Jesus. Yeah uh, I don't think the hospital is the best place, even if I-" Monika didn't miss the quickshot glance she'd stolen at Yuri. "- had somewhere uh, else. To go. My house is fucked, obviously. But- hey, Yuri, couldn't you host it? Your house is nice, not to mention ginormous. Oh, but your brother might not like that. Damn." She shrugged out an apology to Monika and Sayori, but Yuri was focusing rather intently into the hospital bed sheets as though she could find an answer if she looked at them long enough. After a second she too turned to look at Monika and Sayori.
"I can try. Ichiro might understand, given the circumstances. He uh, he never approved of my parents sending me away, so perhaps. I cannot promise anything, but if I have enough time- and if Sayori indeed said the twenty-seventh then, maybe. And if it helps Sayori be rid of the risk of ever returning to such a horrid place, then I will give it my all." Monika could tell Yuri was already making plans, the old look that she took on whenever she focused on something truly cared about was evident on her face, and for a second it really did feel like the old days. It felt like she was with her friends, making plans for the festival, talking and laughing about minor things instead of feeling like a lead weight was hanging from her neck. It felt like a dash of normalcy in a life of the abnormal.
But that had been several days ago.
Natsuki was out of the hospital on extremely strict limitations when it came to resting, so much so that she was only allowed to be out of bed for two hours maximum a day. Monika wasn't sure what kind of restrictions had been made for it to happen, but from what Yuri had told her, Natsuki was staying with her for the time being given her age and lack of extended family. Though she explained it was merely temporary until proper custody could be handled, just thinking of the legalities and paperwork for that made Monika want to sit down and take a breather. Even if she had survived, Monika had the feeling it was going to be a long road to recovery for her, since surviving was just the bare minimum when it came to getting better.
As they stared at the graves, Natsuki pulled herself away from Yuri and laid the bowl at the base of the monument.
"You cared more about this stuff then me so, fuck it, you can take it with you to the afterlife. Be happy, I guess, wherever you ended up. I'm… I'm going to go be happy, for once. Away from you. A-and even after everything, it took someone who isn't even related to me to make me feel like something- no, someone, who deserved to exist. You didn't deserve… you know, this. But you know, I think this might've been best for the both of us. You're not in pain anymore, and neither am I." With an admittedly tired, but still smug grin on her face, she motioned for Yuri to help her stand and the two rose to their feet.
"I'm done here." Natsuki announced. "Already gave this asshole an hour out of my two that I'm allowed to be up so let's get out of here. Oh, uh, shit… sorry Yuri, aren't your parents buried here too?" Both Monika and Sayori turned to Yuri, who was staring up at the cloudy sky. For a moment she was quiet, her eyes closed in contemplation before nodding and looking behind them into the deeper part of the graveyard.
"I suppose since I am out, I may as well pay my respects." She mumbled. Natsuki nodded and took hold of her crutches while motioning in the direction Yuri was looking.
"Yeah, of course. Lead the way, I've got nowhere else to be… well, except the obvious. Take your time." Natsuki kept pace with Yuri the whole way despite her healing ankle, occasionally turning back to give the other two stern looks as if to say, "Don't rush her or I'll whack you with my crutches.'' as though either of them wanted to reach their destination any faster. Sayori had been quiet but determined ever since they came back, and as often as Monika had spent deciphering Sayori's habit of emotional masking, she had the distinct feeling that her best friend was silently panicking at the conversation they were headed towards. Monika had wanted to comfort her, to be there for her as any best friend should, but between Sayori pretending to be utterly confident in the matter and Monika's fear of overstepping her bounds, there just hadn't been an opportunity.
Though the entire graveyard was well kept, the Okumura plot was especially neat and finely trimmed; Monika secretly wondered if Yuri herself came out to keep everything so pristine. Monika, Sayori, and Natsuki stood a few feet back as Yuri approached the grave for her family and inspected it for a moment before smiling softly.
"Ah, Ichiro must have been by recently as the grave is still clean. That was quite considerate of him." From her purse she produced a pair of incense that she set at the base of the monument and lit both of them before closing her eyes in a silent prayer. The woody aroma of the burning incense had barely reached Monika's nose by the time Yuri had opened her eyes, bowed to the grave, and promptly returned to her friends. "Thank you for waiting. Shall we go?" She asked. Sayori gave an embarrassed grimace and waved her hands as though to shake off any misunderstandings as she approached.
"Yuuuuri, you don't have to cut your time with your parents short just for my sake! Really, we have loads of time, you don't have to rush!" She bounced on her toes for extra emphasis, but Yuri smiled and shook her head, looking at each of them in turn.
"It's quite alright. I can visit those I have lost at any time, but it is those who are alive, my family, that needs me most right now. So, if there are no more obtrusions, I do believe we have a meeting with your mother to attend. Shall we?" With a briskness to her step, Yuri walked down the middle path of the graveyard, delicately stepping over and around the bundles of hydrangeas and chrysanthemums carefully planted along the borders of the grave rows. Natsuki hobbled after her, and Monika walked alongside Sayori again as they bid their silent farewells to the graveyard. Monika secretly hoped she didn't return for a very, very long time.
They piled into the hatchback with Natsuki taking the passenger seat and passing her crutches back for Monika and Sayori to lay across their laps, not that Monika really minded as she had done so for Sayori often while caring for her best friend. She couldn't help but smile at the memories she had made; she really did love the time that she had spent with them all, and she regretted ever trying to erase it. As if thinking of her time lost reminded her, her stomach let out a low growl that went unheard by most of the occupants of the car who were currently discussing who decided what radio station played ("You're busy driving, it's the rest of us who are going to be listening to it for the most part since you'll be focused on the road. Besides, shotgun's rules." and "Though that might be, it is my car and my radio, not to mention listening to pops for the next twenty minutes will only distract me from said driving.")
"Hey," A gentle voice coaxed from beside her, "are you hungry?" Monika couldn't hold back the smile that broke through her cloudy thoughts if she tried. Of course Sayori would notice, and of course in turn she would care. Being dangled in the archive folder for four days had suspended all of her physical needs, but the lack of proper self-care she had displayed in the weeks leading up to her ultimate decision took its toll the moment she had been brought back, and of course Sayori had noticed the very next morning. True, she was clean, only slightly hungry, and her throat wasn't exactly parched, but that didn't stop Sayori from worrying. Monika hated that she worried. She should've been grateful Sayori spared any positive thought for her after everything, and she was, but being cared for only made her hunger for more. A wolf, still ravenous with jaws dripping, but no longer lethal. Tame.
"Monika. Do you want to stop somewhere and get something to eat?" Sayori asked, this time a bit more firmly. "You're not going to hold us up by taking care of yourself. It might actually be better if we had something in our stomachs beforehand, you know?" Monika sighed through her nose and shook her head at that, still smiling slightly; Sayori had probably realized she was thinking less than healthy thoughts and was already trying to nip it in the bud. Trying not to love her was so much harder than it needed to be.
"I'm alright, my body is just getting used to all of this still. I'll be okay, really." She tried to smile away the concern, but the unimpressed look on Sayori's face suggested she wasn't getting away that easily. Brushing her off didn't help either of them. She glanced up towards the front seat to make sure they weren't being overheard before continuing. "Really, I'm not that hungry. I think it's more nerves than anything, just with how all of this could turn out. What about you? If I'm nervous about this I can only imagine how you feel, it's your mother after all." She scooted her hand closer along the seat to take Sayori's out of reflex, quickly stopping it in its tracks.
Bad hand, that doesn't belong to you anymore.
Sayori smiled at her as though they were headed for an amusement park instead of the conference that would impact their immediate lives for better or worse. "I'm-"
"Lying." Monika finished for her. It was almost routine for the two of them now; they simply knew each other too well for either to get away with hiding things for long. She sighed and gave Sayori a pleading look. "Say, it's me. I know we're not- even if we- I trust you, okay? Wholeheartedly. I'd like to think you trust me too, so please just open up to me." No more secrets. That had been a relationship promise, but Monika couldn't help wanting that level of vulnerability between the two of them again. Mentioning it would make it sound like she was pining for Sayori however, and she didn't want that, not at all. More than that though, she just wanted to know what Sayori was thinking. She wanted to help her, that's all she had ever wanted after all.
Sayori sighed and put her hands in her lap, staring into the floorboards with disinterest as she nudged her purse with her foot. With a glance up towards the front seat, she turned back to Monika. "Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry, I just… don't want to put anything on you since you've already got so much on your mind. I mean, we both do, duh."
"I don't mind." Monika said far too quickly. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Slow down! God, you're embarrassing. You've learned things, you've gotten over fears and crushes, you're a big girl Monika. Do what you're preaching and just talk to her like a normal person! "I don't want to pressure you, like, at all, but I do want you to be able to talk to me. Keeping everything bottled up clearly doesn't get you anywhere, ahaha. T-that was a laugh at me, not you, cause that's what I do and it didn't work- look, just… you've got an outlet. You'll always have one in me, and seeing you cork stuff up after that's all I did really hurts to watch." That sounded normal, well, mostly normal. Normal for Monika at least, and knowing Sayori she'd probably find her slip up endearing instead of embarrassing. Most of all, it was honest.
Sayori nodded, but as bubbly music began to play quietly from the speakers ("Aw turn it up, this song is good!") she risked a glance forward to see that the radio channel had been decided on and their attention was beginning to turn to the whispering the two of them were emitting. "I'll tell you when we get there." She turned again to stick her tongue out at Natsuki who was looking at them in the rearview, earning a highly offended scoff and a raspberry in response. Monika smiled at their attempts at lifting the weight they were all feeling, leaning her head back and going over everything she rehearsed. She had done presentations, speeches, even morning announcements if her memory served correctly, but this was something else entirely. How did you convince someone that they were wrong in a way that they actually believed it to be? Humans were notorious for stubbornly clinging to their beliefs.
It was one thing to change someone's mind on a movie, or a genre of literature, but to change someone's perspective from across a moral divide was like trying to write a poem on notebook paper with white-out. People lived their entire lives building their opinions, their beliefs, the ideologies that they stood upon culminated from years of life experience. Those didn't change overnight, no matter how well-worded or witty an argument was. It required an astounding level of open-mindedness on both sides, and just as much empathy – something Monika wasn't quite sure she had – for the opposing argument. Debate club had taught her that much.
The rest of the ride was spent in relative silence, passing through the city's streets as they rode out of the shopping district and soon out of the city entirely as they approached Yuri's neighborhood. Monika's stomach seemed to become lighter and lighter the closer they approached, and when they slowly rolled into the driveway she was quite eager to leave the stuffiness and close-quarters of the car. The air did little to set her at ease, but when she saw Sayori standing stiffly beside the car on the other side, all her worries seemed to be kicked and shoved away. Was it really fair for her to be so concerned when it was Sayori's future on the line? Yuri seemed to notice both girls were waiting to be left alone and offered to help get Natsuki situated inside.
"What? Why'd you say it like that, like I'm a tacky piece of furniture you want to hide from the guests. Why are you looking at them- oh, shit uh, yeah, let me go get situated." As Natsuki and Yuri both retreated towards the porch, Monika walked around the car and locked her fingers together so she didn't try and hold Sayori's, placing herself at a close but reasonable distance. Everything checked out that she wasn't too close for comfort, and so she turned to look at Sayori and ask her what was wrong but the wetness that was welling up in the corners of her eyes spoke before any words could be. The call of "Ya doma, tadaima!" from behind them told Monika
"Think I need some hug-energy." Sayori admitted, her eyes finally meeting Monika's after staring off into the grass. Monika had done nothing but mentally prepare and train herself to not look at Sayori in any sort of salacious manner, to not invade her personal space with any sort of unwarranted intimacy, and most especially to not crawl onto the blow-up mattress after waking up from a nightmare and gently lay her forehead against Sayori's shoulder so as to calm herself. It took a lot of willpower, but respect for Sayori's wishes always came first. Asking for a hug threw all of that training out of the window. Her fingers flung apart and in a moment she had Sayori in her arms again, like nothing had ever happened, and Sayori was burying her head into Monika's shoulder like it was made for her.
"It's stupid. It's stupid, stupid, stupid! We've done so much- we've escaped the game, we went off a bridge, we stuck it out in a homeless shelter, I've escaped a conversion camp and gone into the secrets of the whole darn universe and pulled you out of heck." Her fingers squeezed into the back of Monika's button up, and though she wasn't crying Monika could still feel the way her body shook against hers as though she were. "All of that, and a talk with my mother has me terrified out of my wits! I don't want to do this, I don't want to risk going back to that awful, awful place! I don't want her to tell me that I'm broken, and I don't want her to arrest you! I went to all the effort to bring you back and now-"
Shhh, hey, it's going to be alright." Monika whispered, swaying back and forth with Sayori wrapped protectively in her arms. Why was it easier to be stronger for others but not for herself? "It's okay to be upset, or nervous. This is… gosh, this is such a tense and awkward situation. You know it's not going to end that way though, right? I'm not just going to roll over for your mother, whether that means trying to control you again or to get me out of the picture, I'm here to stay and you are too. If she starts talking out of line, I'll set her straight. Simple as that." Just speaking the words aloud made her feel bolder, like she could suplex Sayori's mother into a dinner table in two seconds flat. "Besides, you told me it would all work out, and I trust you. It will work out. You just have to trust yourself."
"Yeah, I know… I… I think it'll work. I just don't know what we'll do if it doesn't." Sayori sighed again and hung onto Monika for a few seconds more before suddenly looking up at her and stepping away. "Sorry, sorry! It isn't fair to you to keep relying on you like that, knowing you'll comfort me when I said I wasn't ready to get back together… that's wrong." Sayori looked angry at herself, and before Monika could tell her that didn't mind in the slightest she began walking towards the front porch of Yuri's house. "We should get inside. Mom'll be here soon…"
"Say."
Monika held onto Sayori's sleeve, the winds of January billowing through them both as rain threatened them from above. Petrichor wafted by their noses, followed by the faintest scent of cinnamon and vanilla. There was so much Monika wanted to say. She wanted to apologize for still being in love with her, she wanted to wrap her arms around her waist and thank her for forgiving her until her voice went hoarse, and most of all she wanted to tell Sayori that it was going to be okay. Of course she didn't know for sure, she didn't have a clue what was going to happen next, but if she still held the job of keeping the four of them safe and happy, then there still wasn't an obstacle that could stop her from trying.
"If it doesn't work out, I'll still be there for you every moment that you need me until you ask me to leave. And as long as you need me, there is nothing that will ever keep me from being there. If you get sent away, I'll come and bust you out. If I get put in jail, I'll reach my hand through the bars until I find yours, because we'll always be together, right?" It was both a promise and a question of reassurance, something Monika found fitting since they were always taking care of the other. The look that Sayori gave her was hard to pin down, but Monika thought it looked hopeful. She hoped it looked hopeful.
Sayori nodded, glancing back towards Yuri's house with an anxious expression as they thought of the future, and then she turned back to Monika with a wiggling wave of her fingers. "You're right. I know you're right, ehehe. I know this is selfish to ask, especially since I already brought it up, but… when she gets here, can you just, um… hold my hand? I know, I know, that's unfair to ask but I think it'll stop me from shaking and-" Sayori stopped as Monika's hand slid right into hers, and as Monika led the both of them up to the front door she realized how clingy Sayori probably thought she was being by doing so; it obviously looked like she was desperate for the opportunity to hold Sayori's hand. But at the same time she knew Sayori was very emotionally keen, and if that was the case, she had no doubt she knew that for once Monika didn't feel as though she was secretly enjoying a forbidden gift.
Instead she felt like Monika, protecting someone she cared about.
The inside of Yuri's house was warm when the two of them entered, and there was a distinctly herbaceous, almost fruity fragrance in the air that told Monika Yuri had brought out the oil diffuser. The sunken hearth that sat in the middle of the foyer was lit, a kettle hanging from the hooked fixture as a fire tickled its belly while Natsuki sat on a set of raised cushioned chairs beside the hearth with one propping her leg up. Yuri was quickly pacing to and fro, setting various pieces of furniture straight when they were already perfectly fine and setting out tea cups along the kitchen counter. Behind said counter was someone who she knew right away had to be Yuri's older brother.
From what she had heard of Ichiro Okumura, she had already painted a picture in her head of a tall and lean man with stiff posture and a no-nonsense glare. Instead she saw a young man that was likely only a few years older than her, with medium length, messy black hair that looked freshly wet and parted along the left side, an angular face and a pointed nose to match that sat beneath a pair of horn-rimmed glasses. Though his eyes had the same soft look that Yuri's did which made them look a little sleepy, there was still a sharpness to his expression that showed he was quite alert. He wore a navy yukata and turned to Monika and Sayori with a sharp nod.
"Ms. Monika, Ms. Moriyama." He bowed in greeting to which they responded in kind. "I've put away the zabutons and have instead brought out our spare legged chairs since it would be impudent to force Ms. Kisaragi to attempt to sit in such a manner given her injuries. I've brewed tea for all of our guests and have made all the necessary preparations for the meeting. It has been quite some time since the Okumura family has hosted guests, especially for a formal dispute, so I hope you can forgive our lack of proper coordination."
"Ah, um… just 'Sayori' is okay, since it might get confusing once my mom gets here." Sayori mentioned awkwardly. "I'm really sorry to put you and Yuri through all the trouble for someone you barely know, and I promise to make it up to the both of you however I can!"
"A trip to the Kanagawa hot springs should suffice."
"Ichiro! Don't say that, she likely already feels guilty enough having to ask for help." Yuri scolded, speeding past Monika to align the row of chairs in front of the hearth for the third time. "We do not mind at all; please pay no attention to the sense of humor he inherited from our father."
"Or the lack thereof that Yuri inherited from our mother." Ichiro whispered with a small smile towards Monika and Sayori. The sound of a car door closing from outside alerted them all, and Ichiro straightened up with all traces of jest or informality wiped away completely. "That would be your mother, Ms. Sayori, I shall go and let her in. Please, everyone take a seat while I greet our final guest." With a quick bow he walked off towards the front, leaving Monika, Sayori, and Yuri to take their seats alongside Natsuki. Monika sat with Natsuki on her left, Sayori on her right, and Yuri on the far end. Monika held Sayori's hand tightly, giving it an encouraging squeeze as the sound of muffled greetings met their ears.
Natsuki crossed her arms and was already getting her most venomous glare at the ready. "If she even thinks about trying to take away my bestie, then she better come to terms with fighting off a physically disabled kid real fast." Yuri scoffed from the other end of the seat softly and shook her head, straightening her posture and placing her hands in her lap.
"You are injured and still in the depths of recovery, not to mention a guest. Do not think for a second that I will allow you to attack Sayori's mother like some kind of wild delinquent. Kindly leave that to your host."
Monika smiled at Sayori, who gave a nervous one in return, and the two faced forward. There were no words for the situation that could be said between them that couldn't have been conveyed with just a look and a smile, and so that's what they did. The soft creak of socks against tatami approaching brought everyone's attention to the front of the foyer, where Ichiro Okumura was leading a woman with light auburn hair wrapped in a bun around the corner. Her eyes were big and brown, and the softness of her face gave her a younger and more laid back look, despite the suit she wore.
Aimi Moriyama was not what Monika would think of as an "intimidating" person by average standards. She did not have a cold glare like Ms. Fujita, nor did she have the authoritative aura of Principal Katagiri. Despite this, Monika could tell right away that this was a woman who was used to getting her way. The way she carried herself, the way she walked forward as though she was just a little bit more important than where she was, the look on her face that said she didn't quite want to be here and was simply doing so to amuse or out of formality. A plastic smile, but deep resolve in her eyes. Monika could tell this wasn't a woman who expected to walk away empty handed.
Sayori, to her credit, did not shake or gasp, in fact the only change she exhibited upon her mother's entrance was when Monika felt her breathing stifle for just a moment. Ichiro led Ms. Moriyama to the single chair across from the four of them, brought everyone a mug of tea, and then returned to his spot behind the kitchen counter.
"As the eldest and host of the Okumura household I shall be acting as a mediator for this meeting. Please, everyone relax and say what you have to say to one another, but kindly keep our voices to a professional and respectful level. You may begin at your leisure." There was a tense silence that followed, an awkward and heavy silence that made Monika feel incredibly self conscious and aware of herself. She looked to Sayori, but her best friend was busy staring away at the tatami flooring as though it'd put up a good defense for her. Her hand never left Monika's, though. Just when Monika thought it would be up to her to break the silence, Ms. Moriyama broke it for everyone.
"Well, Sayori. You've certainly gone to a lot of trouble, I hope you didn't intrude on your friend's schedules just for something as simple as this." She began. Monika didn't like the light, almost airy, tone that she was using. It was too casual, and there was something about the dismissiveness of it that just didn't sit right with Monika.
"We're here on our own merit." Natsuki piped up. Her arms were crossed and though she looked just as nervous as the rest of them, there was that familiar fierce determination in her eyes that they all loved. "We're here because we care about Sayori, and because she's dealt with everything alone for a long time. She deserves to be happy."
"I agree," Ms. Moriyama said as she bowed her head respectfully towards Natsuki, "In fact that is the same reason that I'm here, because I care about Sayori and want what's best for her. She is a brilliantly talented girl when she applies herself, and as her parent it's my duty to see that the obstacles she creates for herself don't get in her way." Her gaze turned to Sayori now, and under it Monika felt Sayori shift uncomfortably. "You need to come home, Sayori. You can't keep running away from your problems, because we both know all it does is make more of them. This has gone on for long enough."
Sayori shifted, but her gaze was still on the floor. "I am home." She huffed under her breath. "This is where I was born, it's where Dad is, it's where my school and all my friends are, it's where Grandma is buried."
"Your home is wherever I decide it is, Sayori, you're a little too old to be having a tantrum over a move-"
"Sapporo is not my home!" Sayori interrupted. "You wouldn't have bought a one-bedroom apartment if it was going to be my home too, you wouldn't have put me on a campus program where I'm there twenty-four seven for a year if that was the case! I was there for a month and I didn't see you after the second day!" Her fingers were clenching Monika's hand tighter and tighter. "I didn't see you, you just… left me. You left me in that awful place, alone, without having any idea what was going on inside of there!"
Sayori's mother scoffed and the little eye-roll that she did made Monika want to backhand her, and yet she kept her light and airy tone as casual as could be. "Sayori, you're making it sound like I just threw you into the woods alone to try and garner sympathy from your friends, and I'm not having it young lady. Do you think I just left you in a- in a warehouse off of the docks, or something? No. I did research, Sayori. I sought them out, I spoke to Head Counselor Yagi himself and he gave me an extensive breakdown of the kind of work they do at Camp Liberty." She raised her hands in an exasperated manner and gave a half chuckle as she spoke. "I even spoke to graduates of the camp, Sayori. They couldn't recommend it enough for people with issues like yours."
There was a sudden but soft "Ahem." from beside them, and everyone turned to look at Yuri who was gracefully sipping her tea, her eyes closed as she set her mug down upon its saucer. Monika had to appreciate the finesse of it; closing her eyes while sipping the tea gave her time to acclimate to the fact that everyone would be focused on her. When she did open her eyes, they were both piercing and calm in the same way that a fencer's épée was in that it was clear she was ready to strike.
"Ms. Moriyama, might I ask how you came across a list of former Camp Liberty students?" She asked, polite and to the point. Ms. Moriyama looked caught off guard to be addressed by someone other than Sayori, but she regained her composure quickly and acknowledged Yuri with a slight head turn that Monika had seen Sayori do before.
"Well I was given a card of phone numbers by the Head Counselor, of course, Miss…?"
"Okumura, Yuri. I'm afraid what you were given was likely a pre-selected group of current employees of the establishment who were alerted that you may phone them to ask about the camp, and naturally sing praise of it and its efficacy. You probably phoned one or two and got the parents or guardians of the former camper instead of the camper themselves, if I'm not mistaken." Yuri hummed softly for a moment in thought before taking another long sip of her tea while Sayori's mother looked somewhat flabbergasted. "Mmm. It's a lot easier to get the parents to agree to be references and give accreditation, after all."
Now it was time for Sayori's mother to shift in her seat. Yuri had hit the nail on the hammer. "I- I'm sorry, but I don't see how on earth you could know something like that, Ms. Okumura, outside of just speculating to the wind. I'm not sure what Sayori has made me out to be, but I certainly do my research on these matters, likely more thoroughly than you have." The silence that followed was palpable, thick with trepidation and unease, or at least it was until Natsuki let out a low whistle and shook her head.
Yuri smiled a tiny smile that held no warmth to it as she spoke. "Actually, as a survivor of St. Raphael's Camp for Misled and Sexually Disturbed Youth- and I do use the word 'survivor' quite literally, I believe I am more than accredited to speak on the dangers and malpractices of conversion, reparative, and behavior therapy. These are not organizations that are upfront or honest in any way whatsoever when it comes to the well-being and methods utilized against the children that are willingly handed over to them, and often leave their wards in far worse shape mentally and emotionally then when they came in." Ichiro chimed in from behind the counter for the first time as everyone turned to him next.
"Our parents shipped Yuri off to St. Raphael's at the age of thirteen. She spent three semesters there before being brought back to us, and her relationship with our parents was never quite the same. They passed away before amends could ever be made." Ichiro said from the counter. Ms. Moriyama gave a small tut before tapping her foot and looking around, discomfort clear on her face. This clearly had not been the type of confrontation she was expecting and it was evident she was eager to swap the conversation back to one she had a handle on.
"Well, I'm very sorry to hear that, for both of you." To her credit, Monika didn't think she sounded entirely dishonest. In fact, she almost saw something flicker behind those earthy eyes. "But while that sounds like a horrible experience, you can't honestly assume that every facility or program is the same. This is a highly recommended organization that specializes in cases like Sayori's, with children who are confused or suffer from mental illness. They work in prayer with the Gods, in meditation and spiritual healing." Yuri looked downright indignant at that, her face contorting into a firm grimace as though Ms. Moriyama had confessed to spitting in her tea. Monika could tell the gloves were about to come off, and decided to step in before Yuri gave Natsuki's bite a run for her money.
With a small hand raise of acknowledgement, Monika said, "With all due respect, Ms. Moriyama, but did you ever ask Sayori what happened at the camp? Why she would feel the need to go to measures drastic enough as to run away?" Ms. Moriyama just shook her head and let out a dry chuckle as though she was enjoying an inside joke that only she was privy to amongst them.
"Please, after the phone call I received I knew right away what this was all about. It's a temper tantrum, to the utter extremes I can assure you, but this is typical Sayori behavior." Her mother tutted. "If you think wasting my time with all this running around has made me not love you Sayori, you're deeply wrong. I mean, I'm vexed to my absolute limit, disappointed, and frankly wondering where I went wrong so much that I have to go through hoop after hoop just to break through to you and get some kind of communication, but I know you well enough to recognize when you're acting out. But you're not a little kid anymore, Sayori. All of this, it doesn't get you what you want. It's time to grow up."
Yuri was no longer the only one looking furious; Monika felt her teeth grating against one another. How could someone be so blind and unaware of someone they supposedly cared about so much? Sayori crossed her arms and frowned at her mother, her lips opening and closing as though she was trying to find the right words to express her feelings.
"You… you keep treating me like a child, taking control of my life and deciding my future, but you want me to act like an adult. It's not fair."
"If you want to be treated like an adult, running away from your problems is not a good way to showcase your maturity, Sayori!" Her mother snapped. "You did it when you ran away the first time, and then you did it when you didn't like your camp. Do you know how worried your father and I were when we heard you went off a bridge? We had you home for five minutes before you just- up and ran away! When you grow up, you have things called responsibilities, and if your response to those responsibilities is to selfishly let us worry so you can go off and play runaway, then yes, you are still a child and will be treated as such!"
"You were tearing my life apart, you didn't care what I wanted- or what I had to say! You still don't! You just want me to be an ideal daughter so you can feel like a good parent!" Sayori's hands were shaking; the tea in her mug was wobbling precariously like a candle's flame in the wind. Her mother looked as though she was about to slam down her own mug, which made Monika thankful that they weren't near a table.
"See? There you go. It's only about what you want, Sayori. It's that same selfish 'me-me-me' mentality that your father has, and that's exactly why you need a camp like this. If you had any idea how much money I've invested, how much I've given just to do this for you, you wouldn't be acting this way." She scoffed and shook her head in disbelief. "You might appreciate the things that we do for you, that we go out of our way to try and make your life better! Not because it helps you now, but because it'll help you down the road, through your entire life. When you're finally ready to stop being lazy and irresponsible, or inconsiderate of how everyone around you feels."
Sayori did not have a retort. Monika could still feel her hand shaking within her own, and not even the reassurance of squeezing could calm her down. This, she knew, was too far. It made her sick to her stomach to hear Sayori's mother speak so carelessly and so inaccurately about someone she loved. It wasn't like Sayori hadn't made mistakes, but…
"Do you even know your daughter?" Monika asked.
"I'm sorry-"
"You should be. Sayori is nothing like what you described." Monika could feel her jaw unclenching; her pulse quickening as she did what Sayori could not and stared her mother in the eyes. "Sayori gives everything for the people she loves, hell, she gives her entirety for people she doesn't even know. She's at her absolute happiest when the people around her are happy, and I have seen her at that. I've seen her at her worst too, when she feels like she's what you make her out to be. Crying and sobbing on the bathroom floor because she doesn't think she's fit to consume the cheap, stale recycled air we're breathing in."
"Maybe you should stop and ask yourself why your daughter keeps running away in the first place. Maybe, just maybe, you should ask why she feels so much more content and at peace in a place that isn't her house, or a camp, or wherever." Monika leaned forward with her finger jutting out and pointed directly at Aimi Moriyama, her tea left forgotten atop the tatami mats. "You're not just trying to fix something for the wrong reasons, but in all the wrong ways. You're so terrified that she'll damn her soul or go to hell that you can't see you're already putting her through it. Sayori, she's… she's something amazing- not perfect, but beautiful nonetheless. And you can't see that."
Sayori's mother looked as though she had been spat on; which to be fair, Monika was certain she had done the verbal equivalent of. Her cheeks fumed red while her jaw tensed up, and her voice held a dangerous edge in it.
"You don't know anything, about being a parent. The love I have for my daughter is much deeper and more complicated than some high-school crush, from the months I spent carrying her to all the years I spent trying to raise her to do better for herself." Her eyes narrowed as she stared daggers into Monika, but Monika was not afraid for once in her life. "I want her to be happy, I want her to love herself and do good. I'm not going to sit and pretend I'm the perfect parent, I wasn't always her friend, but I was her mother. I was hard on her when she didn't want it, but you know what? It made her stronger."
Monika felt the pressure of her anger as her teeth clenched together like a vice. "She didn't need to feel 'stronger'. She was a child, a child suffering from mental illness that she couldn't come to you about because she felt responsible for it. She needed to feel safe." The words had just left her mouth when there was the sound of a chair scooting backwards, and then a great several things happened at once.
Natsuki's shaking hand grabbed her left arm and yanked her downwards, nearly pulling her out of her chair. Yuri was on the edge of her seat with her hand stuck firmly and openly into the insides of her cardigan, while Sayori had leapt to her feet so fast that her own chair had tumbled backwards. As she stood between Monika and her own mother, Monika could see on her face the look of utter determination and resilience that she had only seen in a dream. A dream of endless noise and an angel flying down towards her with outstretched hands. In Sayori's hand, tightly held, was her mother's wrist. The back of her hand was faced towards Sayori with fingers so stiff that her knuckles bore stark white.
For a moment all was quiet; nobody quite knew what to say or how to react. Monika sat partially off her chair due to Natsuki whose grip was still shaking while Yuri and Ichiro sat and stood at firm attention respectively. Sayori and her mother were waging a silent battle, their eyes locked together as each refused to back down from the other until a single word left Sayori's lips.
"No." It was quiet, barely audible despite the silence in the room, but its volume was spoken of in the weight that it carried. After a tense few seconds, Ichiro's voice broke throughout the living room.
"You forget yourself, Ms. Moriyama. The Okumura family has played the part of host to numerous gatherings, parties, celebrations, and more, for several generations." His voice became icy cold, though it never wavered from its formal and passive tone. It was then that Monika understood the similarity between the two siblings, for she had heard Yuri's voice do the same several times before in a way that acted as a warning bell. "As such, you will not attempt to shame us by laying hands on a guest, as I do believe I saw an officer parked outside of the house that you brought with you, and I would hate to have to bring them inside. On that note, despite your relationship with her, Ms. Sayori is also a guest of this household, and you would be wise to mind your manners to all of our guests."
He turned to Sayori and nodded, as she released her mother's wrist and everyone slowly returned to their seats. Aimi Moriyama was looking a little pale now, and there something seemed to have deflated considerably in her confidence. Despite this, she still huffed and looked at them all in a rather frustrated manner before bowing her head down low.
"Yes, you're quite right. I… allowed my emotions to get the better of me. I deeply apologize, both to guest and host alike." She said. Whether she was sincere or not, Monika couldn't say for sure, but it was enough for Sayori who picked up her seat and sat again beside Monika, though this time she kept both of her hands in her lap as she watched her mother. She wanted to check if Sayori was alright, to thank her for stepping in, but she was simply at a loss for words. Instead, Sayori's mother continued. "To… answer your question, yes. I do know my daughter. I like to think I know her better than most."
"Do you know her favorite color?" Yuri asked, now relaxed. Sayori's mother looked at her as though she was making a joke, and Monika couldn't entirely blame hjer. It sounded so silly of a question, but the look on Yuri's face was dead serious. When she realized she was serious, Aimi Moriyama glanced hesitantly at Sayori.
"Well yes, it's red. She always had a lot of red clothes like her old bow, and the uh, the night shorts that she had."
Sayori just shrugged, but Natsuki snorted and said, "Easy, she doesn't have one because she'll cry if she thinks the other colors will get jealous. Didn't you tell me that one time?" Sayori nodded, slowly, while her mother gave a roll of the eyes. Monika thought she understood what Yuri was getting at however, and followed her lead.
"Do you know what her favorite thing to eat for breakfast is?" Monika asked. Now she was getting the 'You can't be serious, what the hell is this?' look from Sayori's mother, but she still answered all the same which was exactly what Monika wanted.
"She never really puts any thought into what she eats, so usually a pastry or cereal-"
"Actually, her favorite food is bacon, toast, and eggs done sunny-side up. She has trouble convincing herself to actually make it due to her depression, however." Monika answered. Sayori's cheeks reddened a little beside her but Natsuki was picking up on it too, and soon they were all responding and listing off various questions and answers about Sayori in rapid succession without letting her mother get a word in.
"Do you know what her favorite subject is?" Yuri asked.
"I think history-"
"It's art, followed immediately by lunch." Natsuki finished for her. "Do you know what she wants to be when she grows up?"
"Well she was always good with children-"
"She wants to help people who go through what she does, and become a therapist." Monika chimed in. "If she could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?"
"Disneyworld." Natsuki finished with a smug look in her eye as Sayori's mother looked completely and utterly overwhelmed. Finally she held up her hands and her voice rang throughout the living room.
"That's enough!" She lowered both of her hands and her voice as well, leaving the room both quiet and tense in the aftermath of her outburst. Ichiro took the moment of quiet to hold up his hands and motioned towards Monika and the others.
"Let her speak. Talking over one another accomplishes nothing." He stated. As they nodded in understanding, Sayori's mother bowed her head in thanks to Ichiro before pinching the bridge of her nose and looking up at them all. There was definitely a different light in her eyes now, Monika could tell. All of their back-and-forth wasn't just fussing and bickering, there was truth in everything that they said; a message beyond the scorn and infused beliefs that each of them stubbornly clung to.
Aimi Moriyama took a few deep breaths, and when she finally spoke her voice sounded much lighter and less hostile than what it had been.
"I understand that all of you are here because you care for Sayori. That's why I'm here, because she's very important to me as well." She smiled weakly at Sayori who remained fixated on the floor. "I said I'm not the perfect mother, and maybe you all are right that I don't know her as well as I should. But that doesn't change that, as her mother, I have to do what I think is best for her. You're still under my care, Sayori, at least for another two years, and I feel it best that you continue to attend the camp I've spent so much time and money on to get you enrolled. That's… my final say on the matter."
Monika felt her shoulders go slack, a hollow feeling forming in her chest as the words hit her. She was going to lose Sayori again. They swapped anxious glances, and Monika could see that even after everything they had been through: the game, their memories, their relationship, and even the horror of the files, the thought of separation from what she held so dear was a truly terrifying concept for her. She promised that she would bust Sayori out if she needed her too, but what if they just repeated the cycle? Sayori not wanting Monika to come after her, and being alone all over again. They promised they would always be together – even if they weren't together.
Sayori's hands started shaking in her lap again as her mother's voice, gentle and soothing, coaxed her away from the three of them.
"It's time to come home."
Just as Monika's words started to fumble in her throat to beg Sayori not to leave, to promise that she'd walk to Sapporo and back to see her, another voice spoke up in her place. From beside her, Natsuki stared ahead with a determined expression as she held up her hand as though she was back in school sitting before the teacher.
"I have something I would like to say, before you leave. Please." It was the most polite sentence Natsuki had ever spoken, at least around Monika. She wasn't the only one surprised: both Yuri and Sayori were looking at her as though she was an animal that had just wandered inside, but Natsuki did not waver in her gaze. Ms. Moriyama gave her a funny look as well, but responded with a brisk nod to which Natsuki bowed her head in thanks. "This won't take long, it's just something I think needs to be said. For everyone here."
With a grunt of effort, and a small twitch of concern from Yuri, Natsuki picked up her injured leg and moved it so that she could stand from her chairs. The grimacing, the sharp hisses and sighs, Monika had seen them all a hundred times before from Sayori when her leg had been broken, and it still didn't look any easier. When she had finally stood upon her crutches, she turned to look at the others, and then at Ms. Moriyama.
"My father died back in December. He raised me as a single father, because my mother walked out on us when I was little. He was rude, inconsiderate, an absolute bigot who thought that… well, I'll just say he didn't look highly upon people who were different." She spat. "He and I got into fights and arguments constantly, and he would throw things and I would throw them back until we ran out of bottles or whatever it was we were chucking. Sometimes I wonder if he just saw it as routine, 'Oh Natsuki is running her mouth, guess I need to start hurling shit-' uh, sorry for the language." She paused for a moment and wobbled on her feet, but she shook her head and continued on.
"He died alone in a bathtub, after injuring himself trying to apologize to me for hurting me - that entire incident is why I look like this, why I can barely walk or breathe by the way - but he died in that tub. Drunk. Alone. Never getting to say sorry, assuming he actually wanted to. He always… he always said that he was rough on me because the world sucked and someone had to toughen me up, and that was probably an excuse. He probably just blamed me for my mom walking away or something. But it worked." She glanced back at Yuri, and some kind of silent understanding passed between them. "It worked in ways nobody wanted."
She looked back to Ms. Moriyama who was still staring at her in an odd manner, but remaining attentive nonetheless. "Today I saw his grave for the first time after being in the hospital for over a month. I felt bad for maybe a few minutes out of the half hour I sat there, and then I said goodbye. For good. I don't think I'll ever go back to see that grave again, and I really cannot tell you how liberating it is to say that. To be able to make my own choice to decide that I will no longer let him in any shape or form influence me, or my life. I'm not saying this to try and imply you're like him or anything, because I don't think you are. You're a parent who wants the best for her kid, and I get that, but…" Natsuki was suddenly interrupted by a spur of coughs that nearly toppled her over.
"I'm-" She waved off a concerned Yuri who had stood to help her, keeping her eyes focused on Sayori's mother. "All good, just… worn out, sorry. I just want you to know that, Sayori is eighteen years old – over in the west they consider that to be adulthood and whatever, but you said she still has two years left under you. If you get to the end of that two years and have pushed her away with what you want, then she'll be a full fledged adult who can make the conscious choice to walk away from her family. For good. She's the most forgiving, most selfless, most fair person I have ever met. But… everyone has their limits. I'm sure she loves you, but I loved my dad too. Yuri loved her parents."
With a wheezy breath, Natsuki sat back down and took a long deep sip of her tea. After a second she said, "That's… all I had to say. Just give me a second to recover please, so that way I can say goodbye to her without coughing all over her." With a final bow of the head, the room went quiet as all eyes now turned towards Aimi Moriyama. The strangest thing was, Monika almost thought for a second that Natsuki had said something that reached her. That the twinkle in her eyes that had been steadily building was manifesting into something that would turn the tables, and change everything for the better. And then her heart reminded her that her life was not a video game, not a storybook with a happy ending, she could not sit and wait for someone else to write her a happily ever after. And so she gritted her teeth, took Sayori's hand again, and told herself to be strong. They were finally back together, and she wouldn't sit and let the four of them be separated ever again.
Ms. Moriyama was staring at her daughter, and Sayori in turn was meeting her eyes once again. Brown against blue. If Monika could hear the thoughts of others she had no doubt that theirs would turn into a cascading whirlpool that would wash her and the entire house away into the sea. The silence was palpable, deafening, overwhelming and every other word imaginable for such a terrifying stretch of calm amongst the chaos. It was as if the both of them were trying to guess what the other was thinking, and then trying to think of a response before the other ever even spoke. And then finally, when Monika couldn't take it any longer, Sayori's mother spoke.
"You're going to run away again, aren't you? Even if I get you to come back you're just going to put me through this hassle again and again for the next two years, aren't you?" She asked. Sayori sighed and let her shoulders sink in, almost deflating in a way as she buried her head in her hands and shook her head.
"I can't… I can't go back to doing what I was, telling everyone that I was okay and that everything was fine and wanting them to just… wade through the words to notice that I was lying, that I was in pain. That I was scared, and wanted to just stop everything." She looked up at her mother with eyes more tired and red than Monika had ever seen. "I can't go back to being what you wanted. I've given up on so many things to make you and everyone else happy, and for once, I want to fight to make myself happy. So, yeah… I will."
Aimi Moriyama scowled, lowering her head with a sigh as she stood from the chair and looked at each of them. Monika's mouth was dry; was this her conceding, or was she about to force Sayori to follow regardless?
"You are still my daughter, and still legally under my care. I want to hear updates from you, I want phone calls from you, I don't want a phone call from the police, I don't want a phone call from the school. You're going to get a job, and you are certainly going to at least university because you will be graduating, understand? You want to fight for yourself, you need to support yourself. You won't be a lazy… partner, no matter who you decide to be with." Her mother affirmed with a side glance at Monika. "No more running away either, you're to stay in Yakumo so I at least know where you are in the country, for the sake of all the Gods, and if you do leave then I want to know firsthand where you're going. You're going to prove to me that you can be happy on your own. Are we clear?"
Sayori's mouth dropped, and Monika's did too. There was no way. Were they really, truly, getting past this? The obstacle that had been their barricade for so long, that had split them apart and had caused problems from the very beginning; could this truly be the end? Natsuki smirked from beside them while Yuri bowed her head to hide how relieved she truly looked. Even Ichiro hid the ghost of a smile as he cleaned their finished mugs. Monika wanted to grab Sayori's hand and jump up and down like a child, cheering her heart out beside the person she cared for. But she knew there was a time and a place, and for the most part Sayori did too. She, however, managed to keep her composure.
"I uh, I can do that! I can get a job, and I'll stay right here! I don't want to go anywhere else- and I won't be a burden on anyone!" Sayori stated. It was the proudest statement she had ever given, and Monika could see the silent celebrations already lighting off like fireworks behind her eyes. Her mother turned her mouth in a doubtful manner before pointing a painted nail directly at her.
"If I find that you can't take care of yourself, or I hear word that you're slacking off and not living up to a quality of life I deem to be a… reputable standard, if you will, then I will certainly bring you back to Sapporo, and I will have no choice but to go back with my original plan." She glanced at Yuri and Natsuki rather quickly before closing her eyes and letting out a sigh. It was amazing how a sigh could convey so many things: hesitance, defeat, uncertainty, but she managed to keep her head high with a sense of poise as she did so. "Though if your friends are so convinced that this form of therapy is truly more harmful than good, well… maybe we could try something else. Maybe therapy again? It's not like the camp was cheap to begin with…"
Sayori looked confused, the corner of her lip twitching as she understood what her mother was trying to say. "Oh! Uh, maybe, yeah. I… wouldn't be opposed to it. We can uh, we can talk about it, you know? If I'm going to be calling you anyway then we can discuss that then, if that's okay." Sayori gave her mother an uneasy smile, one that Ms. Moriyama returned with a nod before turning to Yuri and Ichiro and bowing low to the both of them.
"Thank you very much for hosting, and many thanks for the tea. I'd better be off then, I need to let my escort know that they won't be needed and I believe I've intruded upon your hospitality quite enough. Good evening to you all." With a final look of begrudging acceptance towards Sayori (and with a lesser extent to Monika) Aimi Moriyama departed from the living room, past the hearth, through the foyer, and with the gentle closing of a door, she was gone. There was a room-wide feeling of relief as the tension began to ease, and Monika let out the breath she hadn't been aware she was holding.
Sayori, rather than jumping up and cheering or throwing her hands into the air, simply slumped down into her own chair and let out a quiet sigh with her eyes closed. Natsuki took the opportunity to fill in however, giving a celebratory whoop as she did a fist pump from her seat while Yuri put a hand on Sayori's shoulder, and the two shared a similarly relieved smile.
"Frankly, that was one of the less emotionally straining incidents to occur within this household." Yuri said with a light chuckle. "I'm more surprised that we managed to… well, I would not say we changed her mind, per se, but at least convinced her not to take you back to camp. I wasn't sure we could reason with her."
"Pdft, you kidding?" Natsuki teased with her hands behind her head. "Nobody related to Sayori could be that unreasonable, like if that had been one of our family members we'd have stood no chance. But did you see me convince her with that whole 'she'll leave your ass' bit? Come on, I totally won that for us!" Natsuki fell into another fit of hacking that kept her quiet for the most part, but she retained her smug grin as Yuri gave her a stern glare that only a caregiver could muster. As the others began to unwind and relax, Monika turned to Sayori and gave her a big smile. Their hands were no longer entwined, but that was okay. Monika was more focused on other things.
Sayori smiled back, but Monika could see that the confrontation had utterly drained her best friend. "Hey. How are you feeling?" She asked.
"Honestly? Preee-tty sweet." Sayori giggled. "Gosh that was really scary- I mean not scary, but like, I was really nervous. Mom has always been really laid back in a way, so it was a bit weird seeing her so dressed up and serious about something. Especially when that something was… you know." Her gaze drifted off for a second as her smile dropped. "But really, I was just letting you guys do all the talking and I'm so sorry for that, I didn't really have the guts to do anything until she tried to hurt you."
Monika patted her shoulder, there was so much she wanted to say, conversations she wanted to have about the future now that she was going to be staying in Yakumo, but the others seemed to have other ideas. Ichiro had wrapped a headband around his forehead while darting around the kitchen, stacking and placing ingredients as heat began to spread throughout the room from the oven.
"Well, since I have to cook tonight anyway, I say this might call for some celebratory ramen. Any complaints?" He asked. Both Sayori let out a celebratory cheer at that, and Monika knew there would be time to talk later. The rumble in her stomach told her that she was indeed hungry after all, and frankly, she couldn't think of anything better than eating a nice dinner with her best friends.
"Heck yeah, ramen! Thanks Mr. Okumura!"
"Hey now, I'm cooking you ramen, don't go around insulting me."
"Monika is a vegetarian, Ichiro, so do remember to separate the pork stock."
"Understood, fetch me the sake please, Yuri. For cooking, mind you, not drinking. I have to look like I'm a responsible adult, yeah?"
Sayori glanced back at Monika as she rose from her seat, an apologetic expression on her face as she knelt back down to meet her eyes. "I'm sorry, were you saying something? I didn't mean to cut you off." But Monika just shook her head and looked around at the others.
"No, I'm all good. I think… I have everything I need." With both of them beaming, they rose from their seats and followed Yuri into the kitchen to help prepare their meal as Natsuki laid comfortably into her chair.
"Thanks again for everything, Yuri!" Monika waved as Sayori hopped out of the back seat behind her. Yuri smiled from the driver's side of her car and raised a hand in parting to the both of them.
"It was our pleasure. I understand things are not going to simply return to what we consider normal, but I think… this is an excellent start. Goodnight to you both, and I'll see you at school, Monika." Just as she put her hand on the steering wheel she paused and leaned back towards the open window. "Oh, um… Sayori? It's very good to have you back. Please, never scare any of us like that again."
Sayori grinned as she gave a double thumbs up, and with a final wave they both watched as Yuri pulled out into the street and drove off, leaving them both on the front steps of their apartment building. The winter's nightly chill was still present, and with Yuri's heating still on the fritz both girls tucked their hands into their sides as they stepped through the front door and closed it shut behind them. Monika kicked on the heater and flipped on the lights while Sayori let out a yawn and retreated to the bathroom to change. They had cleaned up a little bit between Sayori pulling Monika out of the files and the meeting with her mother, but for the most part it still looked like their messy little apartment. Boxes, clothes, a distinct lack of furniture, and the smell of vanilla and cinnamon wafting through the air.
This was home.
The blow up mattress had been re-aired after borrowing an air machine from one of their neighbors which meant the cold floor was no longer where they slept, but sleeping on the same mattress while they weren't together felt wrong to Monika. It was almost like she was infringing somewhere she didn't belong. As she folded her nicer clothes and slipped into her pajamas, she secretly worried over the possibility of accidentally cuddling Sayori in her sleep. It was silly, she knew, but the fear of accidentally becoming too affectionate and making things awkward terrified her to no end.
The sound of the bathroom door opening behind her alerted her to Sayori stepping out, toothpaste smeared over her lip. She smiled sleepily, Mr. Duck tucked under her arm as she threw her old clothes over the chair and stepped over to the mattress.
"Hey." She said. Monika hated how such a soft sleepy voice could sound so inviting, so warm and caring. It was just a voice. She loved it, and she hated that she loved it. Sayori flopped down onto the mattress and looked up at Monika with a raised eyebrow as she fluffed up Mr. Duck. "Are you staying up or something?"
Monika glanced around; there wasn't really anywhere else that was suitable for sleeping. "Ah, I was just… you know, the mattress is a bit small so I thought I'd just make a pallet or something." She smiled dismissively at Sayori, but Sayori just frowned.
"But we've been sleeping on it for ages." She argued. Before Monika could counter that Sayori scooched over until she was practically on the edge, making sure to give Monika a wide berth of space that she did not want, and plenty of blankets. "Here! That should be plenty of room, right? I don't want you sleeping on the floor in your own apartment, Monika. I… I don't want that." The look on her face was too much for Monika to bear; with a hesitant smile of thanks she sat down upon the mattress and pulled the covers up to her neck. Sayori smiled.
There were a lot of things she still wanted to talk about, she wanted to ask Sayori about what she planned to do about school and work, about how she felt, about what she wanted to do with her life, about Natsuki's recovery. Most of all, she wanted to ask about their feelings for one another. But the feeling of sleep was already overtaking her. It had been a long day after all. Monika let out a yawn, and then a shiver at the cold – their heater hadn't quite made it to the back of the apartment yet. Sayori rustled behind her and in a fit of panic Monika tried to inch herself closer to the edge to prevent any contact, but rather than a shoulder bump she felt a single arm wrap around her shoulder.
Her breath was taken, and her shivering only increased as Sayori pulled against her and let out a contented sigh. She didn't know what to say, and it wasn't until Sayori spoke that any sound was made between the two of them.
"You were shivering." She mumbled, nestling her face into Monika's back. "Can't believe you wanted to sleep on the floor, goober. Is uh… is this too much? I just… don't want you cold." Monika sighed and nodded, backing up a bit to feel Sayori's shoulders and arm around her own. It felt so good. Warm and alive, like a little space heater against her back. She loved it, and she hated to love it.
"It's… it's okay." Monika whispered. It was absolutely not okay. "I don't mind if you don't, you know that." They were just friends trying to stay warm and cuddling was a way to do that. She knew these times wouldn't last forever, that things would not always play in her favor like this, and that she needed to enjoy the few moments when she was allowed a treat like human contact. Just for a little while, she could enjoy
"Hey, Monika?"
"Hm?"
"Thanks for making me feel safe today. It… meant a lot. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Say… thank you for doing exactly the same."
A.N: Whew! This was probably the hardest chapter I've ever written, as shown by it's lateness by two days. After the last two exciting chapters this one is definitely more laid back, and I'm really sorry if it doesn't hold up to par. I just couldn't entirely get into some parts that were necessary to the story, and I worry the quality may have dipped because of that. If so, don't fret! The next two chapters won't have that problem!
That's right, you heard me! Two! In keeping with tradition, I'm terrible at guessing how many chapters is left, but thankfully this should be the last time. Chapter 31 will be the last chapter of the story, there was simply too much I needed to fit into this one that didn't make it. Thank you for understanding! On a happier note, there was so much fanart between Chapter 28 and Chapter 29! Like, three times more than the entirety of the fic's lifespan. You can find it all on my profile, so please be sure to go and check out what some of the amazing readers of this story have made! It really is an honor for so much love to be shown for this story.
Look forward to Chapter 30 in the coming weeks! Until next time~
