Chapter 26
"No, I was only sleeping,"
It was the night of the gathering.
Finally, he would be able to see Rustpaw and Aspenpaw and all the others that he missed.
Loneheart was walking behind the rest of the clan as they traveled to Fourtrees with his eyes to the ground.
Yarrowleaf wasn't here to walk with him this time, and nobody else took her place.
He began thinking about everything that had happened. How small it all seemed, just for a moment. There was a broken stick on the ground, and he paused for a second.
It just seemed so peaceful here.
Loneheart looked up to find that the cats had moved on without him, but he didn't care much, he would catch up.
He looked back down to the stick, so helpless without the security of its tree, "I guess that's it then," He spoke aloud, though with no audience to hear, "I guess it's over," He understood now.
It all boiled down to a single thing.
He had been immature, he had thought in black and white, but in the end, it was all for naught.
He knew now that everyone was the same.
They all shared this earth together, and yet very few ever see eye to eye.
That's what he would fight for, he decided.
To try and see himself in the eyes of every stranger, every friend, every enemy, every lover, that's all he wanted now.
There wasn't the time to fight each other, there wasn't the energy to hate.
You spend your whole life chasing this dream of fortune and power, and then one day, you wake up just to realize that you're dying.
All the friends, the family, the lovers, the strangers that you've pushed away, they still wait for you.
They call out your name, it is your choice if you are to answer.
What is it for?
What is control when you have nobody?
What is security when you are paranoid?
What is hate when you've pushed away love?
That's all there was now. He sat on the ground for a minute, just to take in the night air.
He knew what he believed now, and yet the worst part of it was that he didn't know how to follow it.
He had pushed away everybody who got close to him. He knew what he had to do, but he didn't know how and didn't know if he could bring himself to finally do it.
It seemed too late now to help himself.
All he wanted to do now was help others before they could get to where he was, sorrowed and broken down by each passing day, with tomorrow always cracked and shattered.
He looked to the ground and to the twig one last time, then began walking to join his clanmates.
As he walked, he thought more about what had come before.
It all seemed so far away now. It was ironic.
He had traveled so far and gone through so much strife, all to find out who he was.
All he had ever wanted was to know and understand. And yet all this time, despite the endless searching, he really had learned so much, only it was the things he didn't want to know.
Perhaps he had known it all before, perhaps he had already understood himself, but that he never wanted to believe that he was this way.
But it was too late now to look back, everything was done and over with.
In complete darkness he walked through this world, and yet he felt no fear, no sorrow, no regret.
He had been looking forward to the gathering for moons, but right now, only a short walk from everything that he had been looking for, he felt comfortable.
Everything that seemed important now just sunk away into the earth.
Somewhere in the distance, a bird called out its song, maybe singing it for the stars and the black skies above.
He had heard the melody before, it had rested his head nights a many when nothing else seemed to work.
There was a light somewhere in the wilderness and the sound of rushing water marked his soon coming approach.
He noticed that his thoughts had been sporadic tonight, a result of having a lot to think about, and yet very little substance to any of his ideas.
He knew there was more, and he knew what it was, but even in his own mind he could barely find the words to explain it.
He brought his attention back to the bird, who was still singing its song. He sang with it as well as he could, just quietly to himself. In truth, everything was terrible, and yet for once, he felt good.
Between the treelines he saw the settling cats that he would soon join.
They were only dots, like stars in the night sky.
The moon this night, though shrouded with patterned clouds, still struck its light shining into his soul.
The night was young, so he figured he had a bit more time until he had to go.
Turning away from the moon, he began to think about more things.
First, he thought about Red.
He had wanted to see her for so long, and yet, when he came, he only then realized that he had no idea of what to say.
She had said so many things in the past that had helped him understand who he was, he had just been looking for like that again.
Everything was so different now, but he still had no idea what to do without Red's guidance.
She hadn't really given him anything this time, just vague, short responses that he wasn't sure was very helpful.
He thought about some of the things she had said. He remembered specifically her teaching him how to climb a large wall in the Twoleg city.
Just breathe, focus, and jump. It was so simple, and it just made him feel worse that he hadn't thought of it himself.
He pulled himself out of his thoughts and back to reality, where he noticed he had strayed pretty far away from Fourtrees.
No longer could he hear the unified chatter of cats as they talked kindly to those they hated, and neither could he see them, or any other living creatures in the area besides the trees and the grass.
The moon was still there. That beautiful, looming figure that hung far above his head.
He sat and waited for a few moments, counting the seconds as they rolled by.
He thought about what Red had said once, how, everyone was just a different minute of the same day, and he sat and wondered to himself, what minute was he?
Until I write again,
-Gojira
