Chapter 194
*SpLAT*
"Hans, Ernst, you two go grab a map and clean up the spill!"
*BANG*
"The oven's on fire! We need an extinguisher here!"
"There's no extinguisher here! Someone use magecraft to put it out!"
*bwoof-BAM*
"Who dropped a bag of FLOUR next to the FLAMING OVEN!?"
As he said that, a series of popping sounds crackled behind him. Without turning around, he already knew something had gone wrong with the microwave as well.
"New orders juuuust came in! They want twelve more orders of pancakes with, like, whipped cream, apple butter, icecream, cinnamon, bananas, chocolate sauce aaand cream cheese, plus a totally double order of English breakfast with a fruit platter!"
A homunculus who looked about the same as Sella yet gave off a more youthful impression rapidly scanned through the notepad in her hand and rattled off a series of orders, taking a full five minutes to recite everything even while moving her mouth at supersonic speeds.
When she was finished, he pointed over to a trolley stacked to the brim with food.
"Take the finished ones to them, and don't let any plates drop."
The dishes were layered together in a haphazard fashion that somehow allowed the trolley to exceed it's supposed capacity as the dishes swayed back and forth, looking like a stiff breeze could send them crashing to the floor. The homunculus girl gulped, but she still saluted Shirou with confidence.
"You can totally leave it to me Shirou-chi!"
The wheels rolled across the floor as it burst through the double doors and shot through the hallways to the ravenous beasts awaiting their food, who had already eaten several carts.
As the kitchen struggled to keep up, Sella watched from behind the Servant trio as they ate, thinking back to how well it seemed to be going up until an hour ago.
The homunculi cooking staff received a breath of fresh air when Shirou went in, and together they started doing everything they could to return the kitchen to it's former glory. The numerous stains, spills and scorch marks were scrubbed to oblivion as he pulled out every trick in the book to turn the kitchen spotless. It would have taken too long by himself, but with their help he was able to swiftly move on to repairing the various cooking ware and machinery that had broken or malfunctioned during their arduous culinary marathon.
"Oh so that's how you use it?"
Those words came up frequently as he realized the homunculi had no idea how to operate the top of the line equipment that they had installed in the kitchen. Most of them were only used to more traditional methods, and gas-burners were the limit for them. They could barely use an oven, and it explained why the blenders, rice-cookers and other more complicated gadgets were all trashed. It was the first time he'd seen raw steak fermenting inside a pile of salt within the rice-cooker, and the rest were in a similar state. His heart twisted when he saw their condition, but in the end after a quick inspection, he realized most of them were still salvageable.
By the time he had finished fixing most of them, the kitchen was largely back to it's original state, and in return the homunculi seemed to be rejuvenated as well. After checking the fridge and cupboards to make sure ingredients were well-stocked, he slung a relatively clean apron around his neck and went to work.
Working in tandem with the team of homunculi that though traditional, were still well-versed in the arts of cooking, he finished the traditional Japanese breakfast that he usually. It took a bit longer than usual since he had to teach
them the steps for making each dish, since they specialized more in Western cuisine, but they absorbed the knowledge like a sponge and rapidly executed the tasks with efficiency.
In no time at all, he was lining the carts several trays of food, one for each person.
"Good work everyone! With enough time, I'm sure everyone here can become experts, though it might take a while to reach Sakura's level."
"Sakura?"
"Oh, she's my kouhai from school who usually helps me make breakfast."
As Sella made a mental note to inform her master of a potential rival, Shirou frowned as he stared at the completed dishes. Even though everything was set perfectly, there seemed to be something wrong. Was it the sides? The salmon? The miso soup? Checking each part individually, his misgivings deepened when he found nothing wrong.
"Well if you have anything else, then ask Hans or Ilse for assistance. I am needed elsewhere, so allow me to excuse myself."
With a quick curtsy, she left the room after naming a serious looking man that reminded him of Issei, and a peppy girl that called him "Shiro-chi" the moment he started speaking with her.
Nodding distractedly, he failed to notice how hurried her steps were as she left the kitchen, her departure barely registering in his mind.
All of a sudden, a siren started blaring in the kitchen, accompanied by flashing red lights spaced at regular intervals on the ceiling.
"Are we under attack?"
His body tensing at the prospect of another conflict coming right at him, his Circuits responded immediately as he traced a knife into existence in his hand.
Around him, the homunculi paled.
"It's started."
"What's started?"
"The feast."
As he tried to process what they were talking about, a slender maid rushed through the doors, frantically waving a piece of paper crammed to the brim with words.
"There's two more this time!"
Several of the homunculi fainted on the spot, and the rest sank to their knees. At the same time, it dawned on him what was off about the dish.
The quality was fine, it was the quantity that was the problem.
Even now, Sella was sure they were still slaving away in the newly disturbed kitchen, and all she could was pray for them. It also wasn't incorrect to say that she was, just a little bit, glad that she left at the right time.
"Honestly, at least use the cutlery they provide."
"Mmff-mfhng-"
Staring in disapproval at Berserker shoveling the food into her mouth with her bare hands, Saber frowned as she stuffed herself at an equal rate. With terrifying speed, their plates were turned into bone white circles.
"I can't believe I get to eat so much!"
Caster too didn't lose to them either. There was already a veritable skyscraper of plates stacked next to her, and it was only growing taller.
Watching on in horror, the homunculi maids barely concealed the awe and terror in their hearts as they struggled to clear and deliver the food, sealing their emotions as they worked ceaselessly to maintain the steady flow of supplies to the three gluttonous beasts that had taken up residence within the mansion.
Meanwhile, two Masters stared at each other next door.
Silently, the man cut into the fish, carefully picking off a bite-sized piece of orange flesh, and then transferring it to his mouth. Chewing it to a paste, he swallowed and moved on to the side-dishes, alternating with rice in between. The measured motions of him lifting the chopsticks were like a martial artists katas, his arms fluidly extending and retracting from each plate as his breathing remained at a set tempo without deviating in the slightest.
For some reason, even though she was the strongest magus within the mansion outside of the Servants, she still felt a tinge of intimidation from the man in front of her. He didn't even had a hint of magical talent, his entire bearing quietly pressured her, his eyes reminding of her snake lying in the grass, waiting for it's prey.
Then it happened.
One moment she was fine, then in the next she was keeled over, cheeks puffed like she was about to vomit.
"What the fuck is this?"
"It's not polite to swear young lady."
She blinked as he sharply rapped her forehead with the back end of his chopsticks, the sting running through her a second later.
"You-"
"Eat."
Before she could speak, he stuffed the natto he'd placed on her bowl earlier into her open mouth, cutting off her words.
"MMFFF!"
The string of beans flew through the air along with a few beads of saliva as it arced over the dining table, diving towards Kuzuki's face at the apex of it's parabola. A look of triumph passed over her face as she watched the slimy pods fall down, inexorably drawn by gravity
With perfect dexterity, he snatched the beans out of the air and flung them back with pinpoint accuracy straight back into her mouth.
Having no other choice, all she could do was chew and swallow, the threat of his chopsticks sending it back in hovering in the air in front of her, a worse threat than any she'd ever faced.
"It's natto, and it's good for your body. You need to learn to eat your vegetables Illya-chan."
"I'm not a kid, and who gave you permission to call me 'Illya-chan'?"
Puffing her cheeks, she sulked at being treated like a kid, inadvertently reinforcing the image in his mind.
"He's right. You need them to grow up nicely."
The expressionless maid lifted her sizable chest to emphasize her point.
"Stop teasing me Liz, I'm definitely to have bigger ones than you when I grow up!"
"All types of bodies are fine, the most important thing is that you develop in a healthy way."
"Mouuu!"
Kuzuki's well-intentioned words only served to make her more sulky as she munched down on rice, venting her frustrations on the food as she intentionally tried to steal from Kuzuki's salmon, only to be intercepted and counter-attacked by him as a heap of natto landed in her bowl.
"Gyaah!"
As the battle raged on in the dining room, Shirou and his band of valiant cooks continued their fight on a different battle field. They could almost feel their lives shortening as they toiled in an endless hell, their knives growing dull in their hands through the sheer amount of food they had chopped through. Even the reserve teams of chefs had joined in, and some completely unrelated homunculi had chipped in to help as well, with nearly half of the homunculi staff concentrated in that kitchen and the route leading from it to the Servant's dining room.
Fighting through the fatigue, he moved from person to person, rushing to extinguish fire, clear scalding spills and snatching pans off the fire to save the food from turning into charcoal. At some point, his actions blurred together into one single mass as he became a machine moving from one dish to the next.
"...chi, Shiro-chi! SHIROCHII!"
The stinging pain on his cheek brought him to his senses as a red hand imprint started to form on it. Blinking, he looked down at the girl who had her hands on her hips glaring at up at him.
"We're totally done here! You can stop zoning out and like, start cleaning up y'know?"
"W-we're done?"
"Yeah! We're actually done!"
When he didn't reply, the girl waved her hands in his face.
"Helloooo, earth to Shirouchi? Did you, like, get brain damage just now? Wait, omg I didn't mean it seriously!"
Waving her arms, she panicked as he fell face forward into the batter he had been mixing. His knees touched the ground, while his body slumped over the kitchen counter. The impact sent batter flying everywhere, and the mixing spoon flipped up into the air before landing back on his head with a dull 'thunk'.
When he woke up, he was back in his bedroom, beneath the silky sheets that felt like heaven.
The moment he tried ot move, a wave of pain assaulted his entire body, though instead of the sharp, cutting pain that he had experienced at the temple after getting attacked, this was instead a soreness that penetrated his bones. A groan escaped from his lips, alerting to the other occupants of the room to the fact that he was awake.
"Shirou-chi! You're awake!"
"Don't hug him like that you're hurting him."
"You're right, but you shouldn't be climbing on top of him too!"
Illya clambered on top of him while the homunculus girl from earlier hugged him hard enough to make his ribs creak as Sella tried to pry the two of them off of him, only succeeding after Leysritt joined forces with her.
With the two of them successfully detached from him, he was able to breath normally. Gingerly, he pushed himself up, ignoring the protest from his back and waist as he straightened up.
"Don't push yourself right now, you still need to rest."
"What happened just now?"
"You collapsed due to over-exhaustion. That's what happened. It would've been weirder if nothing had happened after cooking for 3 hours straight while making 3 dishes every ten minutes, right after recovering from a battle that left you armless and legless."
"That's totally messed up! Shirou-chi, you, like, seriously need to rest right now!"
"Shirou, rest."
Faced with the pressure from all of them, he couldn't just pretend he was fine. Closing his mouth, he sank back into the soft down of the bed when he noticed the door was slightly ajar. In the cracks between, someone was peeking through at him, a familiar shade of green staring back at him.
"By the way, the culprits are also here to apologize to you."
The doors swung open on cue, revealing the three Servants fidgeting outside, unable to look Shirou in the eye. Berserker had her scarf tugged upwards to conceal her face, Caster was trying to hide behind her staff and Saber simply looked to the side while blushing.
"You guys know what to do right?"
The three of them instantly folded into a dogeza towards Shirou at the same time.
"'"We're sorry!"'"
Their voices were similar enough to create an unintentional harmony, eliciting a smile from his lips.
"I am deeply ashamed as your Servant to have injured my own Master in such a manner."
Pressing herself even deeper into the floor, she suddenly rebounded and stared right at him.
"From now on, I promise to limit myself to twelve dishes per meal!"
"That's still, like, so much!"
"Cut down a bit more to show your sincerity!"
"Shameless."
He relaxed his tensed body before he jumped out and delivered a retort, glad that the others were able to do it in his place.
"I don't blame you Saber, just try to eat a little less okay."
"I thank you for your benevolence Shirou!"
Her head smacked down on the marble once more, this time actually cracking it.
"Stop making more problems!"
After peeling her off the ground with the help of the other two Servants, the other two also voiced their apologies as well, with Berserker's statement of 'I'm so sorry but please keep cooking for us' earning her kick to the shins from her Master.
"All right, I'll decide your punishment later for the three of you!"
"Punishment?!"
Despite being Servants that were the personification of legendary heroes, a cold sweat dripped down their backs as a dark fire lit up in Illya's eyes, a chuckle escaping from her lips.
Shirou wanted to help them, but one look at her convinced him to stay quiet.
"Alright, we're going to go now and have a good rest."
"Take care now Shiro-chi! Totes get some rest, 'kay?"
"We'll deliver your meals later. Ring the bell next to your bed if you need us."
"Take care, Shirou-sama."
With a parting pat from the homunculus girl, he was left alone in the bedroom.
Then the door creaked open again.
"By the way, Kuzuki says he know some treatment methods involving deep pressure point stimulation and shiatsu. I'm not sure what that means, but you should be able to recover faster."
Stepping into the room noiselessly, the teacher approached him like a panther slipping through the jungle.
Moments later, a young man's screams could be heard in a certain corner of the mansion.
