A/N — WARNING — I will put a warning at the start of each chapter because there could be subjects that some may find difficult or triggering. This wasn't meant to be anything more than a one off chapter that was almost like a diary entry of mine — But I guess I still have things to say xx
The silence that surrounded Elizabeth felt sinister and cold. There was nothing in any direction but pitch black and it was closing in around her. Having no prior experience of what happens after death, she wasn't sure what would be facing her when the pills had worked their magic — But this wasn't what she expected. She was supposed to feel at peace but all she felt coursing through her right now was fear.
She opened her mouth to call for her parents but no sound came out. It felt like being stuck in a nightmare yet she was certain she was wide awake. She attempted to pinch herself but she couldn't seem to get that particular fine motor skill working, so she resorted to digging her nails into the flesh on her arm, but again — nothing.
Footsteps echoed and muffled voices came and went, yet Elizabeth still couldn't see anything. Why couldn't she see anything? Where were her parents? And was she damned to a life of darkness because of what she'd done? So many questions were swirling around in her head, it made her feel nauseous. And how was that fair — Surely once you were dead you could no longer feel things like pain, sorrow or fear, so why the hell was she still feeling them? Had she brought the whole damn lot with her? Well wouldn't that just be typical of her.
"Mom — Dad — Please find me. I'm scared and I need you." Her voice had returned yet her throat was scratchy and sore and her body felt heavy. It was like her arms and legs were made of lead and the more she tried to move, the less she could.
It wasn't meant to be like this. She was meant to take the pills, go to sleep and when she woke up her parents would be waiting for her and she would feel complete again. This was bullshit! She felt worse now than she did while she was alive. She wanted to lay down but each time she attempted to do so, nothing happened. Was she floating or standing? It was hard to tell in the dark. But when exhaustion dragged her deeper under, she just closed her eyes and fell backwards and once again there was nothing.
"Elizabeth — Wake up!" The muffled voice from before was far clearer now and sounded so much closer "Damn it Lizzy — Open your eyes."
The darkness from before wasn't quite so oppressive now, there were tiny shards of light trying to break through — She just needed to open her eyes, to see clearly and then maybe she could finally find her parents.
She managed to open one eye ever so slightly and the other followed, but the light was so bright it was painful. And her mouth felt like there wasn't a single drop of moisture in there.
"Mom?" Her whispered cry was barely audible but it must have been heard because she could see a shadow moving above her "Dad?"
She attempted to open her eyes again and was more successful this time around, blinking rapidly to focus and as she managed to finally see someone, it wasn't at all who she'd been expecting.
"Will?" This couldn't be right. Why would Will be with her when she was no longer alive. "What are you doing here?"
He looked angry and distraught — Exactly how he'd looked the night of their parents' accident.
He wiped the tears from his face with the cuffs of his sweatshirt "Where else would I be?"
Elizabeth tried to look at her surroundings "Where am I?"
"You're in the hospital."
Perplexity and fear engulfed her "What's happening? I don't understand — Am I still alive?"
Will now looked far more angry than anything else "Yes — But you very nearly weren't. You're such a selfish cow Lizzy." His eyes glistened with tears as he held her gaze and then he turned on his heels and walked out leaving her more confused than ever.
Panic forced its way in and Elizabeth couldn't breathe. This wasn't right — This had to be a mistake. She knew what she was doing. She had it all planned and then — Cigarette smoke. She could remember the smell because she had always hated it. Who was smoking? It must have been Will who found her because he called her name.
The machine next to her started beeping loudly which only made her heart thump harder. She looked down and there were wires, clips on her fingers and needles — What the hell was all of this and how did she get here. Her legs started trying to kick the blanket off and she wanted the needle out of her hand.
"Elizabeth —Good to have you back with us! But I need you to calm down for me. I don't want to have to sedate you again."
Elizabeth looked up at the nurse "Why is my brother here?" Her voice was too croaky to really make herself understood. "Where did he go?"
"Give the boy a moment — He's been sitting by your bed for the past two days."
Now that definitely didn't sound right to her. Will hated the very ground she walked on so why on earth would he be by her bedside.
"He hates me - He always has." Elizabeth wasn't entirely sure who she was talking to, the words just seemed to slip from her mouth.
"That young man has been beside himself, Elizabeth. I'm pretty sure he doesn't hate you."
"You clearly don't know anything at all then."
The nurse smiled at her "Is there anything you need?"
Elizabeth just shook her head
"Alright — I'm right outside this room if you do."
Her thoughts were spiralling. Nothing made any sense at all and now she had to try and put them all back in order and work out exactly what she was going to do next. She wasn't supposed to be here. There weren't meant to be any more days or weeks or years. It was all meant to be over — But here she was feeling even lower than ever with no plan B.
Elizabeth lay there, staring at the ceiling and trying to formulate a new plan. Okay, someone had discovered her this time but it wasn't going to stop her. She just had to be more strategic. There were plenty of places she could go where she wouldn't be found.
"So — Did you mean it or were you just after attention?" Will's words cut through the silence.
How was she supposed to answer that? How could she make anyone understand what she was feeling? Will was popular and sociable. He had good friends who kept him going and helped him move on. Elizabeth genuinely didn't feel she had anyone at all.
Elizabeth didn't want to lie to her brother but she couldn't find the words to tell him the truth either. She was his big sister. She was the one who was supposed to be taking care of him but she'd failed at that too. So she decided to just ignore the question altogether.
"Why are you smoking?" It was a question she genuinely wanted an answer to.
"What? Are you still partly under sedation or something?" The annoyance in his tone wasn't lost on Elizabeth. He was clearly angry with her — But that was nothing new.
"You were smoking when you found me! I could smell it — And you called my name. Why did you have to find me Will? Why couldn't you just leave me be."
"I don't smoke and I didn't find you. I got a call from the hospital to say you were here, because for some stupid reason you had me listed as your next of kin."
"Don't lie to me Will! I know you're angry at me — You have been since the day mom and dad died — But I know it was you. It had to be you. What I don't know is why you were in Charlottesville."
"Do you want me to get the nurse Lizzie? Because you're not making any sense at all. I got here after they'd pumped that shit out of your stomach. I had to listen to a doctor tell me that you took a bunch of pills washed down with vodka and that you were extremely lucky to still be alive. Of all the things I thought I would hear about my perfect fucking sister — That sure as hell wasn't one of them."
"Don't use that language Will. Where is Aunt Joan?"
"She's overseas — Again! So I was the lucky one who got to see you like that. Thanks by the way. And you're not my mother— You're barely even my sister so don't tell me what I can and can't say."
"I'm sorry." Elizabeth had no other response.
Will slumped into the chair beside her bed "Why Lizzie? Why did you do it?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"Not if you don't tell me."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"You're not going to have any choice. You'll have to talk to someone."
Elizabeth turned away from Will "I'm tired."
"Fine — I'll go and grab a burger. I'll be back later." He wanted to hug her and shake her all at once — He wasn't sure which feeling was strongest. But he settled for squeezing her hand "I'm here for you Lizzie — Try and remember that."
Elizabeth could feel the tears on her cheeks but she wasn't entirely sure why she was crying. She was mentally and physically exhausted and didn't have the strength in her to keep going. It was all just too much — And now Will was involved and guilt was just another emotion she had to battle with. Why couldn't she have just made a better plan in the first place and followed through properly. She realised — Next time was going to be a whole lot harder.
To be continued …
