Three: Sex Shop Spellbound

Part One of Four


Pairings/ Tags: Elijah/Fem!Harry/Katherine with a steaming side dish of Klaus/Caroline, Heather & Caroline & Bonnie Friendship (comes in next chapter), DDLG themes (sort of), Daddy Kink, Praise Kink, Dom/Sub, Humour, Comedy (Honestly, don't take this short story at all seriously, it's bordering CRACK), Overly Forthright Heather, slightly clueless but very sexually frustrated Heather, Dom Elijah, Dom Katherine, Sub Heather, Established Katherine/Elijah, Threesome, Thruple, bisexual Disaster Heather, Katherine and Elijah knowing EXACTLY what they're doing, the extensive and thoroughly planned seduction of a Himbo-called-Heather ™.


I

There's a lot of things Heather Potter does know. Like how to destroy a Horcrux, how to kill a partially immortal Dark Lord, how to thwart a particular Hybrids every Machiavellian plan much to his mounting frustration. The list goes on and on, from potion making to cooking a mean pasta sauce, Heather Potter knows a lot of things.

But there's a lot of things as a dimensionally displaced, time-travelling Witch who's only just got back in touch with her now Vampire brothers that she doesn't know. New cell phones are still a bit of a hit or miss, you're lucky if Heather sends a coherent text and not one of those moving images that loops by accident, fashion has really changed and had never really been her strong suit to begin with, and don't get her started on that thing called 'Snapchat'.

Damon had banned her from using the 'app' after last time she sent a mass message of the inside of her backpack for the tenth time.

Sitting in her bedroom at the Salvatore Manor with a tub of ice-cream in her hands half melted, watching the steamy (quite literally here as both the male and female lead are somehow fogging up a car to preposterous levels) sex scene on the silver screen, this weeks romantic movie Caroline had picked out, Heather voices one such thing she doesn't know and hasn't ever known.

"I've never gotten off before."

From her side on the bed, propped up on cushions, Heather hears Caroline choke on her spoonful of mint choc chip. Belatedly, Heather realized she might have put her foot in it again. The blond Vampire, nevertheless, is quick in gathering herself and her curiosity, throwing it all Heather's way as she turns nosily to the smaller woman.

"Never?"

There's no mistaking the incredulous tone in her voice, and Heather shrinks back into her headboard. It couldn't be that odd, surely? Why else was the saying 'lay back and think of England' a thing?

"Not with anyone?"

Caroline hazards.

"I mean… you have been with someone before though, right? You're not a-"

"Of course I've been with someone!"

Heather sputters, her ego just a little bruised.

"Someones, actually."

She corrects.

"This isn't the sixteenth century anymore, Caroline. I-"

Heather thinks of the sloppy kiss she shared with Oliver Wood in the Quidditch changing rooms back at Hogwarts, thinks of the hands down her knickers and her own in his boxers, thinks of that broom closet with Cho Chang and her polka dot bra, thinks of that night with Ginny and the too much Firewhisky, Heather's head up a pleated skirt.

There had been sighs and moans, sticky fingers, flushed faces-

Just never her own.

"I've gotten them off plenty of times. I've just never… reached the end goal myself."

Caroline licked her spoon clean.

"That's sad."

"I know."

"Sad-sad."

"Alright, you've made your point."

"Pathetically sad, really."

None too gently, Heather stabbed her own spoon into her ice cream, leaving it to be a little empty flag pole in the mountain of chocolate fudge. A bit like her love life recently, a mountain that hasn't been conquered.

"Okay, Caroline. I get it."

Sensing the end of a short fuse, Caroline, the devious Vampire she was, chose to change tactics and not drop the topic, sliding into a softer form of interrogation.

"Not even yourself?"

"Myself?"

Of course Heather had been there? How could she not? It normally takes two or more to-

"You have…"

Caroline hesitated, clearly searching for the right word as she scanned Heather's face. The right phrase, the right tone, which turned out to be a euphemism given on a conspiratorial whisper.

"Had a hand travel down under solo, haven't you?"

Hand travel-

Oh. Oh.

"You can do that?"

Caroline's eyes lit up like tree lights on Yule Eve, the cat who got the cream or the meddlesome gossip hound who'd picked up a trail.

"Can you do that? Duh! Everybody does it! Are you really telling me you've never touched yourself?"

Any sense of decorum or metaphor Caroline had been trying so hard to stick too clearly went sailing out the window.

But it did make the ginger girl think.

When would Heather have had the time? Crammed up in the girls Gryffindor dormitory with Lavender Brown obnoxiously snoring away right next to her? Or during the war when she was internally battling that rancid shard of Tom's Soul from possessing her? Or when she was on the run, underfed and under armed, living in a tent in the woods with a spiralling Hermione and Ron who snapped? Or, better yet, back with the Dursleys locked in that dank, cramped cupboard?

Wood had been a fumble, Cho Chang had been chasing after a ghost, and Ginny had loved her, maybe, but they'd all only wanted to… take.

It wasn't a bad thing; Heather had been glad for the distraction. A fleeting chance at normal teenagerhood peppered between Ministry break-ins and battling Basilisks. She liked making people feel good, and she liked the intimacy close quarter encounters gave, and she liked a many a thing about her experiences-

But that was all.

A sort of hollow 'oh this isn't so bad'. It had never been anything more. So much so, Heather wasn't sure there was more to sex. She thought maybe this is all there'll ever be, that all those books Hermione used to read and hide beneath her bedroll were drivel, that this scene, so alike countless others in the movies, was some sort of overdramatized metaphor.

"No… I can't say I have."

Caroline jabs the end of her spoon towards Heather, swinging it about like a knife under her chin.

"Well there's your problem! How can you expect anyone else to know how to touch you if you don't know yourself?"

Maybe, just maybe, Caroline has a point. A point that warrants further introspection. Perhaps even a hands-on examination.

"Now shut up and let's watch this movie. This is my favourite part. He's going to draw her naked wearing only the necklace."

Heather snorted on an aborted chuckle. She'd lost interest in this film nearly ten minutes in, and the only thing keeping her entertained with her short attention span was Caroline's commentary.

"Well, we all know why you like this then. A fantasy of yours, is it? Nothing to do with our own resident psychopathic artist which starts with a K and rhymes with house-"

"Shut up you degenerate and pass the popcorn."


II

That night, finally alone after Caroline had gone home, Heather lays flat on her empty bed in nothing but her tatty pyjamas. She's awkward and stiff, a corpse on a morgue slab, and she doesn't so much as glide a hand into her sleep shorts but sort of… blindly shoves it down there.

Don't think of England, think of…

It's clumsy, the way she touches herself in the dark. Embarrassing too. She tries to mirror what she remembers of that night with Ginny, tries to think of red hair and freckles, or Wood with his lopsided smile, the way Cho had flushed all the way down to the tops of her breasts, and somewhere along the line Elijah Mikaelson's face creeps into her mind's eye along with a sycophant with long brown hair and Bambi eyes, and-

There.

A spark.

And if she pictures Elijah's face, or Katherine's smile, that doesn't count. It's okay to think about fucking your enemy isn't it? Morally speaking, it must be better, worth more Karma, than thinking of killing them, surely?

Heather doesn't know, but she hopes so, because she's doing it.

But, in the end, the spark is small and it's weak, she has nothing tangible to go on, and Heather's hands aren't quite striking the match right, just ending up inelegantly patting herself there like she was stroking some sort of pissed off feline that might nip her fingers, and thinking about the myriad of things she needs done tomorrow when she tries desperately to take her mind of any sort of brown-haired Vampire.

Grocery shopping, homework, Damon needed a new pair of-

Oh eeew! Don't think about your Merlin damned brother!

Whatever small, lifeless flicker she might have stoked into existence before suddenly blows out like a candle in the wind. Dead as a fuckin' door nail. She's as dry as sand. There's no friction. The room is silent and her thoughts are loud.

Twenty minutes in and not a single sigh in sight, Heather gives it up for what it is.

Hopeless.

Heather jerks her hand out her shorts and curls up on her bed, somehow more frustrated than when she started. Something a little sad and shattered coiling in her gut.


III

"Did it work?"

Heather hauls her school locker door open, snatching her backpack from the depths along with the emergency Barito she kept on the top shelf. She'd been in a foul mood all day and needed the greasy carbs, with the forecast looking fouler each passing second, and now, just as she was about to head home and brood better than even Stefan, who should crop up out of fuckin' blue lockers and blue walls but Caroline?

Caroline with her stupid advice that did nothing but make everything much, much worse.

Maybe the problem wasn't Caroline's advice but Heather's… Heather. Maybe she was just… broken. Maybe the closest she's going to ever get to the Big O' is her bowl of cheerio's in the morning.

Fuck. Caroline's right. I am pathetic.

"Don't answer that."

Caroline snarks at Heather's withering glare.

"Obviously it didn't. What toy did you use?"

Heather slowly slaps her locker door shut.

"Toy? Like a… barbie doll or Fisher Price play set?"

"No-"

Caroline reals back as if Heather's just slapped her, almost horrified, nearly bumping into the lockers at her back with a clang.

"You can't be serious right now. Look at you! You're hot, extremely hot, what with that damned Salvatore bone structure and your whole… tiny-butter-wouldn't-melt vibe you've got going on. And you have that whole scent thing too. Like apples and cream and something a little like what I think stardust would smell like. It smells amazing, by the way, and you're a natural redhead with those cute little freckles across your nose-"

"Are you coming on to me? Because it sounds like you're coming on to me. I'm flattered, truly, but blonds aren't really my thing."

Caroline, like the Hogwarts Express full of steam, trundles on, ignoring Heather's diversion ploy hiding as sarcasm.

The fucker knew Heather too well at this point.

"All that and you can't be this clueless. You just can't be. I'm not buying it. This is some sort of Salvatore trick you're playing on me."

"Caroline-"

Heather groans with a pointed pinch to the bridge of her nose.

"I promise you, as stupid as you may think I am, I am actually ten times more daft. You were there last week when I got my head stuck in that coffee pot because Stefan dared me that I couldn't wear it like a hat. I'm not tricking you. I don't have a fuckin' clue what you're on about with toys and what they have to do with-"

Caroline looks heavenwards, perhaps mentally shooting off a prayer that might get stuck on the ceiling tile stain above their heads, before, finally, glancing back to Heather.

There's only one word for the look on her face.

Determined.

"There's nothing else for it."

Caroline declares with all the steel and grit of a despot, snatching Heather's arm up in her own and dragging them down the hall for the door to the parking lot outside just as the final bell rung.

"I'm taking you shopping."

Stumbling a little, both mentally and physically, Heather tried to keep up with the cotton-candy hurricane currently tugging her into the eye of a storm.

"Shopping? How is that meant to help me?"

"Oh trust me-"

Caroline grins as she hauls them both out the swinging doors and into the sunlight.

"This shop will help you."


IV

"I don't know whether I am now terrified of Muggles or… impressed at their levels of ingenuity."

Caroline had driven them to the outskirts of town, to a nondescript little building Heather wouldn't have looked at twice on her own. A building that didn't at all belly the colourfully depraved cornucopia it housed inside.

"I didn't know the Muggles had it in them."

Heather feebly finished, lost in a maze of leather harnesses, racks of lace dresses, shelves of bottles of flavoured lubricant and a-

Swing?

What was a swing doing here? Why would you-

Oh.

The swing has a diagram too, pinned on its selling tag. A very, very intricate diagram. Heather's head cocks, trying to puzzle out how the hell their limbs are so intricately locked-

"Yeah, well-"

Caroline cheerily shrugged, luring Heather's attention away from the Gordian knot she was trying to unravel.

"If us Muggles know one thing, it's how to get our rocks off. No magic needed."

Right, just something called plugs? Plugs for what and why were they shaped like that? What would need plugging? A bathroom sink? Did Muggles find that sexy?

"And you all just come here and buy this… stuff?"

Caroline, realizing Heather wouldn't move in any closer by herself, slipped an arm around her back and dragged her deeper into the sex shop, through the bookcases and low hanging shelves of feather dusters, crops and a-

Yes, some sort of gas mask.

What were the Muggles up to?!

"Pretty much. As you said, it's not the sixteenth century anymore. Every city worth a damn, and even the ones who aren't, have a sex shop. Everyone and their grandmother has a vibrator. I can't believe you don't. You've really never visited one before?"

Heather doesn't answer, because Heather's suddenly distracted.

Distracted and more than a little horrified.

"Oh my fuckin' Merlin."

Heather turns the tables, now yanking Caroline along to a tall display case in the middle of the shop floor, head craning back so far it hurts her neck, to eye the top where the thing that had caught her eye loomed above all like Sauron's evil eye.

"Why is that so big? It's… it's nearly the same size as me?!"

Caroline rolls her eyes, but she is snickering under her breath too so the sting to Heather's pride doesn't smart as much as it should.

"It's a dildo, Heather. They're meant to look like that-"

The blond cuts herself off abruptly, slanting her head before shaking it.

"Well, not quite that big. Who do you think is buying something like that?"

Heather grips Caroline's arm harder.

"The placard underneath says 'for the true size queen', whatever that means. It's as long as my arm and as thick as my waist. Do you really think that… fits anyone?"

Caroline frowned quizzically up at the ghastly bright pink silicone beast with a metal plate at the bottom, where it might attach to something mechanical, clearly trying to picture it's intended use as hard as Heather was.

"You're four eleven, Heather. Everything in here is nearly the size of you but…"

She sucked a drawn-long whistle through her teeth.

"Yeah, that is big. It's even got a name, look."

She points below to the price tag with a cost as big as the monster itself and a short description and disclaimer.

"The 'Bad Dragon'. It's over eighteen inches long."

Heather tutted, looking up at the thing like it might leap off and bite her.

"I've seen a dragon, I've flew on the back of a dragon, and I can tell you categorically they don't have that flapping about in the breeze."

Caroline giggled, pressing in closer.

"Do you think we should buy it and hide it in Bonnie's room for Jeremy to find-"

And that was around when the bell above the shop door jingled, and everything went positively tits up.


V

Caroline was the first to glance back, if only on instinct, and the first to curse underneath her breath with more than a flare of panic.

"Oh no."

"Oh no?"

Heather questions, turning from the dildo upon high to follow her friends gaze, only to parrot back the sudden, sharp dread.

"Oh no."

Because who should come strolling through the door without a care in the world but Niklaus bloody Mikaelson? Worse yet, who should be trailing after him but his loyal brother Elijah and his sociopath of a girlfriend, or whatever the fuck they were these days, Katherine.

"Get down!"

Caroline hoots, lugging Heather down to the floor behind the case in front of them with a strong tug to her arm, until they were left huddled on the ground and out of sight of the front door.

"Wait-"

Heather whispers back.

"I thought you said everyone came in here? Then why are we hiding? It's not like I can't put Klaus in his place. I've done it before and I'll do it again, so what does it matter if they see is-"

"It matters!"

Caroline hisses back, pushing in closer as if she were seeking safety in numbers, listening for footsteps, and Heather sees, despite being a Vampire, that there's a flush to her cheeks.

Why is she blushing-

"It just does, okay? Let's just sneak over to the door and get out of here when they're not looking."

Heather, after slamming up a muffling spell around them to hide their voices, and a notice-me-not charm that should hold if they weren't directly looked upon with a wave of wandless-wordless magic, suddenly the braver of the two, peeked out from around the corner of the shelving unit, before quickly snapping back around, safe and unseen.

"No go. They're sort of sticking by the door looking at things. They'll definitely see us if we make a break for it."

"Looking at things?"

Curiosity getting the better of whatever was making her blush, Caroline peeped around the corner Heather had only just recently vacated.

"Oh my god… they're shopping."

"They are?"

Heather snapped back around the corner, craning her neck to get a good look.

"Is Klaus looking at lingerie?"

Because, to Heather, it sure as fuck looked like it. By the clothing rack near the door, Niklaus was flicking though the hangers, stalling every now and again to eye a certain cut or the trim of the lace almost appreciatively.

"He is!"

Caroline strangely both whispered and somehow yelled.

"Why is he looking at lingerie? And why baby blue! That's my colour! Everybody knows baby blue is my colour! Does he have a girlfriend, do you think?"

Caroline, despite her best efforts, can't keep the tinge of jealousy out her voice, nor the slight crestfallen angle her features take. She must realize it too, or feel Heather looking, because she blusters and bullies, kicking up a fake little snarl that fools no one.

"I mean, who would sleep with Klaus? Not me, for sure-"

Caroline stresses a little too hard to pass by innocently.

"And no one else in their right mind."

Then, just for good measure, she goes and tries to change the track.

"And never mind Klaus. Look at what Elijah and Katherine are doing!"

And suddenly Heather is looking, perhaps as quickly as Caroline had, she's always looking when it comes to those to, and she can't see much from this position, from this low down, but she spots the rope in Elijah's hand, rope he's showing Katherine, and she watches as Katherine holds up some sort of soft pink box Heather can't spy the front of, but she does peek the label on the side that merely reads DDLG.

What in Morgana's name does DDLG stand for?

"They must be up to something."

Caroline emphasizes with something hot in her eye, and Heather's far too quick to agree.

"Definitely. They're Mikaelsons and Katherine. They're always up to something dastardly."

"That's it!"

Caroline frantically nods along to Heather's accusation, sunshine curls bouncing in their bun.

"Of course they are scheming something. It's what they do. Maybe we should stay and see what Klaus is buying-… I mean what they're all doing… you know, recon and stuff? Foil their plan to… to do something dastardly-"

That was when Elijah turned around, right towards them, nostrils flaring a little as he took in a deep breath, patting Katherine on the arm to get her attention, who in turn took in a lungful of shop air and began scanning the room-

Maybe a little... frantically?

"Looks like they're smelling something- oof."

Heather's voice falls short with a gasp as Caroline hauled her back behind the case by the collar of her jumper.

"It's you and your ridiculously delicious scent stinking out the room! You're worse than an air freshener. Why didn't you hide it with one of those shiny spells of yours?!"

"Oh, right, yeah… I completely forgot Vampires could smell really well-"

Whatever Caroline was going say next was completely lost as, through the shop floor, amongst the idle chatter of other patrons going about their private bedroom-business and a Britney Spears song thrumming on the radio waves, footsteps and a British voice not currently belonging to the redheaded Witch on the floor prowled closer and closer.

"Niklaus? Do you smell that?"

"Smell what?"

Heather glanced around herself desperately as the footsteps grew louder and Caroline began to panic more, looking like she might pick up one of the riding crops by her head for a weapon before Heather spotted a cupboard at the back of the shop floor, in the far corner. Possibly where they kept the restock. Pointing towards it, Heather already began crawling away.

"This way. We'll dip into the supply door and apparate out from there-"

"Don't leave me behind-"

"Watch it-"

"Ow, you just kicked by shin-"

In years to come, Caroline would swear it was Heather's doing, Heather and her sharp elbow to the ribs. Heather would argue that it was, in fact, Caroline and her scuttling to get ahead to the door that sent them both over and into the bookcase at their back.

Either way, the girls trip and tumble around the other in their haste, Heather, the smaller of the two, takes the brunt of it, goes lurching to the side and right into the display unit.

The whole thing comes down like a bag of bricks-

And so does the beast.

Down and down and down, just as Heather has the bad fortune to look up, directly up, and a blur of hot pink is the last things she takes note of before the strike comes.


VI

It's the blow to her head that does it. A shock to her system that makes her drop the spells, little good they would do now they had brought an entire unit down upon them with the roar of shattering glass and chipped wood. It's a sudden pain, a sharp pain, a pain that has Heather on her back, rolling, clutching at her left eye.

"Fuckin' hell!"

She curses and swears, heat radiating out behind her palm, and it has Caroline scrambling for her, lucky enough to miss the rainfall of bloody silicone and plastic dildo's, prying Heather's hand away from face to get a look at the damage the Bad Dragon had done.

Her face screws up into a grimace.

"Oh my god, I think your eye is bleeding! Are you alright?"

"Alright?!"

Heather bites back, breathless, dazed, dabbing at the blood running down her cheek, unable to see Caroline through her left eye, only a hazy blond-blue blob.

Luckily, she thought the cut was on her eyelid and not the actual pupil, but she sure was walking away from this with a black eye with how she could feel it already swelling closed.

"No, I'm not fuckin' alright, Caroline! A giant bloody dildo just fell from the ceiling and hit me in the face! This is the last time I let you drag me anywhere again!"

Caroline scowls right back, huffing and sitting back on her feet, crossing her arms petulantly.

"It's not my fault you have zero balance and can't even crawl in a straight line-"

"Ahem."

Both girls freeze at the gruff noise of someone behind them emphatically clearing their throat.


VII

"Do you think the spells are still running?"

Caroline asks hopefully, refusing to turn around at the shadow she knows is at her back. Still clutching her eye but not moving a muscle, Heather winces for more than just the pain emanating out of her eye socket.

"Definitely not. I think I've got quite the concussion."

She replied dully.

"But Klaus is a bit like a T-rex, isn't he? Being the dinosaur he is and all, so maybe if we don't move he won't see us."

Caroline shook her head in response, sagging where she sat.

"That was just a myth Jurassic Park made up-"

"We can hear and see you crystal clear, love."

Caroline, realizing the jig was up and there was no more stalling to be had, sluggishly turned to the man leaning on the rack at her back.

Heather tried to do the same, but she was still feeling a bit woozy, and the movement made the room spin. And she must be concussed, really concussed, because if she squinted it looked like Katherine, who was standing behind Klaus but beside Elijah, was eyeing her up like Heather eyed up cheesecake.

"Now what are you two doing at a place like this?"

It looks like Klaus might be grinning at Caroline, but it was hard to tell with her depth perception fucked and double phasing in and out of focus.

"Apart from causing public disturbances?"

Caroline scrambled to a stand, and scrambled for a lie too.

"We're… We are… We're spying on you!"

"We are?"

Heather questioned. She thought they had come here too look at sex toys and-

The thought snapped out her brain before it can finish as Caroline huffs and puffs and bends down to heave Heather onto her unsteady feet, kind enough to keep a hand on her shoulder to keep her upright.

Was it just Heather or did something sound like a growl? One of those warning ones big dogs give when they hear the post man coming, and it mustn't have been in her head as she first thought because Caroline's stiff hand is snatched away from her shoulder by the blond faster than Heather can course correct and agree with whatever bullshit Caroline was aiming for.

"I mean, yes we are! Of course we are!"

Heather agrees without really knowing why she is. Caroline is floundering, verbally flailing really hard, and so Heather has to step up to the plate, and she's a shite liar on the best of days, never mind when she's had her brains knocked about her skull by a dildo that must have weighed the same as a bloody newborn.

"We're on to you! With your… with your crazed schemes of…"

Heather searches for something, anything, struggling to think right, think straight, exploring the room around her for answers when her mind doesn't offer any, no reason for the lie of Caroline's, only seeing blurry images of toys and whips and-

What the fuck are those beads for?

"Of-of-of-of… sex voodoo!"

And now that she's talking, ranting really, Heather can't seem to stop.

Can't seem to meet anyone's eye, either, which has nothing to do with the hand over one. But she does latch onto the proverbial presence Elijah and Katherine and not the Hybrid.

"With your low-cut tops and your too tight suits and your stupid faces and your stupid hair-"

Maybe this is all a bad dream?

It's not though. It's never a bad dream. And there Elijah stands, all calm and collected with his hands in his slacks, and Katherine's smirking at her, always smirking that one, relaxed and together, and it makes Heather sick.

SICK.

So sick she wants to… wants to… wants to throw dirt at them and sand at them and paint them over with stains because here Heather stands, here she always stands, from the time of tackling Klaus when he tried to kill Elena, or when she'd gone sailing down the stairs of the Mikaelson ball after throwing Esther down them with her, decidedly not calm and collected around them but frazzled and confused and out of her depth like no one has made her feel before.

So Heather curses up a storm, and spits like some pissed off alley cat with a chunk missing from her ear, and she has a feeling she's said too much, she always says too much, and so she falls back on something she's infinitely more comfortable with.

Paranoia and accusations.

"I'm on to you, Mikaelsons! You won't get away with this. So… so... so Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo-Bitches, peace out."

A flick of her fingers, and the rack Klaus is leaning on sets on fire, the Hybrid yelping as the fire roars, and she finally does what Heather's the best at.

Running the fuck away.

Snatching a hand out in the shock of fire spreads in the sex shop, she snags Caroline's arm and apparates them both the hell out of there just as the store Clerk began shouting about getting the fire extinguisher.


VIII

Stefan was shrugging on his jacket when he walked into the kitchen, spotting Heather up and on the counter despite having told her a million times not to sit on the worktops, Caroline standing before her, dabbing an alcohol wipe across an already swollen shut and black left eye.

"What happened to you?"

Heather doesn't miss a beat.

"A massive dildo clocked me square in the face."

Of course, that was the exact moment Damon decided to walk into their little meeting, spewing the mouthful of bourbon he'd only just sipped.

"What the hell did you just say?"

This time, Caroline was the one to answer, shrugging and dumping the used wipe into the bin at her hip. The eye hurt like a fucker, but it was mostly superficial. With her Witchy healing and a potion come bedtime, Heather would be right as rain come morning.

"She got hit in the head with a dildo, Damon. Jesus, it's not that hard to understand."

Perhaps against his better judgement, Stefan slunk back into the conversation.

"And how did she get hit in the face with this… you know."

Obviously saintly Stefan couldn't bring himself to use the word dildo. Huffing, as Caroline took a long step back, Heather jumped down from the counter, brushing off imaginary flint from her jeans.

"How do you think, genius? I was in the sex shop on the outskirts of town-"

Stefan's hands shot up, open palmed, as if he was trying to ward Heather off.

"Alright, I'm out of here. I don't need to hear this about my sister."

He goes to turn, to leave, but Heather was faster.

"But Elijah, Klaus and Katherine were there too-"

Stefan backed up further, looking like he might run any minute.

"And I really don't need to hear this about Katherine or the Mikaelsons either. Cao."

"Oh no you don't."

Heather barks as she reaches out and snags Stefan's shirt as he turned tail and began to really leave, pulling him back as he tried to hightail it out the kitchen.

"Listen to me! They're up to something-"

"Something kinky-"

Damon snorts at his own joke, but Heather wasn't having none of it, and shoots her oldest brother down with a one-eyed glare. It still must have been pretty fierce, giving how quickly he shut up.

She still has it.

"Elijah and Katherine were picking stuff up! Elijah had ropes! Ropes, Stefan. And Katherine was showing him this box she'd found and they were smiling like they were both in on this big, great secret, and it had DDLG on the side of it. DDLG must stand for… for… Dead Damon, Let's Gut him or something just as nefarious if not more general. Don't you see? They're going to kidnap Damon and then slice him up-"

Stefan began to frantically shake his head, viciously yanking himself free of Heather's tugging.

"Nope. Uh-huh. I am not explaining this one."

And then he was gone, down the hall and away, so Heather turns to the only other pair of ears who hadn't been there and seen what she'd seen.

"Damon-"

But Damon was balancing his bourbon in his hand so he could cram his two fingers into her ears, backing up and out the door.

Which was strange, really strange, because no matter how bad Heather's confusion of being in the twenty-tens was, how displaced she was and fumbling with how this world worked, Damon and Stefan had never refused to answer her questions or talk her through a topic before.

"Can't hear you. Lalalalalala-"

"Rude! I'm trying to save people here-"

But then he's gone too, and Caroline is the only one left.

"Am I missing something?"

"Oh you're missing a lot of things. Mainly brain cells."

Not too impressed with the sarcasm right now, Caroline took one look at her face, sighed in defeat, opened her mouth, slapped it shut, opened it again and did her best impression of a goldfish.

Eventually, thank fuck, she got it together, came close enough to brace her hands on Heather's shoulders, and squeezed.

Why is no one taking this as seriously as they should?

"You know how Muggles use that thing called the internet on that foldable bit of metal called a laptop?"

Heather huffed and slapped the hands on her shoulders cleanly off.

"I'm a Witch, not a hermit. I know how to use a computer."

Sort of. She knows how to order pizza from that website Bonnie had shown her, at least.

Now Caroline was heading for the door too, leaving Heather alone with her bewilderment.

"Well, go look up DDLG on Google and then you'll know because even I have my limits. See you at school tomorrow!"

"Caroline! Wait! Caroline!... What the hell is everyone's problem?"


IX

Heather checks the laptop out that night in the safety of her room. It takes her half hour to figure out that this Mr Google wasn't a 'shortcut' on her 'desktop', and ten minutes more to realize she had to type in DDLG into the oblong box on screen (and two minutes after that to realize she had to press enter).

Mr Google whisks her away like Dorothy to this weird website called The Hub, and when she presses it-

OH.

The page is filled with images tagged with the term, images that turn out to be videos, so many videos of all lengths as far as she can scroll down, and when one starts playing-

"Yes Daddy! Oh-"

Heather lashes out like a frightened kitten with a bat of her hand, slapping the laptop shut, the moaning cutting off abruptly with it. She jolts from her desk, nearly toppling her chair over, and she resolutely turns away from the whole thing and marches for her bathroom.

She's going to have a shower, take her healing potion, and she's going to forget this day ever, ever happened.

And Heather almost succeeds. She does everything she plans to, gets into her fresh sleep shorts and tank, and burrows like a mole beneath the thick cover of her bed.

And she tosses. And she turns. She tosses some more. Turns for good measure. Beats the shit out of her pillow and tries the cycle again.

By three o'clock, the witching hour, Heathers back out of bed, creeping across her own floor in the moonlight, back at her desk, back on that website with the videos, and she doesn't get any sleep that night and the laptop doesn't get turned off.

She watches, and she watches and she watches-

And she's a little bit spellbound.


A.N: I've been feeling a bit down and blue lately, and so wanted to write something a bit more lax, crazy and fun rather than the normal serious schtick I stick to. I hope you all liked it, and don't forget, if you have a prompt drop it on by.

As always, thank you so much for taking the time out to read my mad scrawling's. I hope you all liked it, and if you can, don't forget to drop a review, and I will hopefully see you all soon! ~AlwaysEatTheRude21