Chapter 43.

Soon after Charlie left him in the garage, Anael came to join him there. "Charlie's fine about everything." she said, obviously as relieved as he was.

"Yeah, Charlie's cool with it." He said.

She sat on the hood of her car, somehow managing to look like a model. When he did it, he was sure he just looked like a slob. "So, how are you feeling about it now?"

"What do you mean?" he said, although he could understand her doubt, when she had already seen how rapidly he could change from ardent to abrasive.

"Are we still okay?" she said, "Is what happened last night still okay?"

He was about to assure her that it was, but he had doubts of his own too. "How do you feel about it?" he said, "I mean honestly."

"Why are you asking me that?" she said, instantly anxious. It would have been laughable, if it weren't so tragic, each of them insecure, afraid and ready to take the blame if this were all a mistake.

Someone had to man up and take a risk and her vessel was not in any way manly. The risk should be his anyway. The prize was greater for him and if there were fault in all this, it undoubtedly lay with him.

"Are you regretting it?" she said.

She needed certainty and he could give her that, at least. "I'm regretting nothing." he said, "I'll admit, I've struggled with this whole thing and none of it was simple, but something changed last night. This isn't what I've been pretending it is."

It wasn't helping. She looked confused. Maybe a human would have understood what he was saying, but maybe not. He was bad at this stuff and getting worse as the stakes rose, because he wanted to spend another night with her beside him, feeling her stroking his hair or letting her hand rest on his chest, from which it seemed to draw away a lifetime of tension and loneliness.

He tried again. "I don't know what this is or can be or whether I have any right ... "

"Don't." She said, "I hate it when you talk like that, when ditching me seems like the right thing to do because you're so worthless. You're Dean Winchester. The Viceroy of Earth would die for you ... and has. If anyone has a right to anything, it's you."

His instinct was to shrug that off, deny it and dissuade her from seeing him that way, but that instinct sprang from a habit and the habit from a messed-up life and it wouldn't help either of them. Instead, he said, "Okay then. I need you. I want you in my life. I know I've screwed it all up so far, but last night, I think we got past that and we found something that works for both of us, if, that is, it works for you."

"Last night was the best night of my life." she said.

"We really need to get you to a Kansas concert." He said. It was automatic, deflect, diminish, deny, because everything she said sounded like "I love you." And almost nobody ever meant that.

"Sorry." he said, "My mouth runs ahead of my brain."

"Nothing is going to be easy for us, is it?" she said.

"I did advise you to find someone else."

"Us, Dean, not you. We're both bad at this. At least if we're together, we spare two other people."

He laughed. "I like the way you think!"

"The only person in this bunker who can't accept our relationship is me."

"I noticed that." she said.

"And it's not that I don't want it ...I want it, but it doesn't feel like I can have it. Every relationship I ever had went bad. First time, I got hurt, second time, everybody else did."

"So, just two, then?" Anael was smiling again.

"A wiser man would have given up after the first." he said.

"Maybe neither was your fault."

"Maybe hunters shouldn't pretend to be people."

"Is that why you don't like it when angels do?" she asked.

"Whenever Cas has come close to being human, it was not good for him. I have no problem with you living among humans, acting human, but it may not be a good idea to give up what you have for what you imagine we have, because I promise you, none of us are happy."

"Sam is. Eileen is. Charlie is."

"Now, maybe, but none of them have had easy lives."

"Neither have I."

He couldn't really argue with that. "True." he said.

"And I don't need this to be easy. I know we can't be like other couples. You're not like other men and I'm knew to everything human. You said last night that we should be less cautious. Did you mean it?"

"Yes, I did."

"Then I think we can do this. We've got a lot going for us. We're under the same roof, in the same room. We're both a lot stronger than we seem and we both have real motivation to form a connection with somebody real. We have good friends supporting us and I know that it's not me you're afraid of. It's not me you're angry with. We're also both insanely hot."

"Yes." he said. He wasn't sure it would help, but it was a fact.

"I will screw up, a lot." he warned her.

"So will I. I don't even understand the rules, but Jules and Castiel made their own rules and so can we and if we want our relationship to be all about holding each other in the night and just taking care of each other, whose business is that but ours?"

"Last night was something else." he said.

"Last night was beautiful." she said, "I'm glad you let it happen."

"So am I." For a moment, his mind lingered on other things he'd like to let happen and now it felt possible that he could allow them to. He was slowly beginning to think of their relationship in terms of weeks or months, not days or even hours. Maybe he did have the right to want that. Maybe, it would come to pass.

It was a novel experience, to be thinking of what he wanted and even starting to consider how he could go after it. He was being selfish and so far, it had triggered no terrible consequences. He wondered if his courage would hold long enough for them to have anything serious together.

As if reading his mind, she said, "When it comes to saving the world, you never give up."

"No." he said.

"I can be stubborn too. If we both want this enough ... "

"I want this." he said and the conviction in his voice surprised him.

"Good. So do I."

He wasn't sure what to say, so he moved away and picked up the tool box. "I put some tools together." he said, "Just a basic kit. Enough, I hope, to always get you home. Obviously, you'll refine it and add to it over time. Just thought I'd give you a good starting selection."

He put the box down on the floor in front of her. She slid off the hood of the car and crouched down to examine the kit. He was almost too involved in watching her reaction to notice the poise and perfection of the shape she made, but he noticed. She was beautiful and he also noted that he was thinking of the body as her and not her vessel. It might be a mistake, but he had made far less enjoyable ones.