Chapter 45.

Dean felt he was in uncharted territory. Whatever he and Anael had, it was a relationship of sorts and it felt so natural and right that all his carefully thought out objections to it seemed to slide away. It was wrong in theory, wrong according to the rules he had lived by, but it was working and it worked for both of them and it was everything he had wanted, before he forced himself to stop wanting anything.

He had been worried when Cas first walked into the garage and immediately looked as if he would turn away and walk out. For a moment, he had wondered whether Cas had only been pretending to accept the situation, but it had quickly become clear that it wasn't that. Instead, Cas was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and although that made things awkward, it was a lot easier to deal with than having to choose between two people he loved.

People. Cas had long been people to him, but he had tried not to think of Anael that way. She wanted to be human, but he had been careful to keep the distinction, because she was an angel and not falling for an angel seemed a lot easier than not falling for the gorgeous redhead who so effortlessly made him smile. That had been the theory. Like many of his plans, it had not worked out so well.

Cas came over to where they were sitting and he joined them on the floor. He looked at Dean, silently asking permission with his eyes. Dean, in answer, moved aside a little to give him room.

"What do you think of my toolkit?" said Anael.

Cas looked at it carefully, as if he knew anything at all about it He even picked up a wrench and examined it. "It seems very comprehensive." he said.

Dean smiled at him. He had neither understanding nor interest, but he was trying hard, encouraging her enthusiasm. He continued to pick up and admire different tools, handling them with reverence and at each nod or smile from him, Anael's eyes became brighter and her smile wider. He loved Cas for that.

He loved them both, pretty much the only angels her didn't sometimes want to stab in the face. It made little sense to him that he was so devoted to not one but two angels. It wasn't that either was free of the usual celestial flaws. Both had almost killed him because it seemed like a means to an end. Both had to be coached and coaxed through things that humans understood from infancy. Both had, for some reason, decided to see him as something special.

The angel thing had always gotten in the way, making him wary, distrustful and dismissive. Angelic threats and manipulations cast a long shadow. Their capacity for bullying and betrayal and the fact that Heaven had once been able to use them like puppets did nothing to increase his trust in their kind, but these two were exceptions. Cas had earned his trust a million times over ad Anael … Well, she was trying.

He couldn't tell her that he loved her and at some point, that would become a problem. He was only just starting to admit it to himself and saying it to her seemed … manipulative, not because he didn't mean it, but because she needed to hear it. She needed that so much.

He tentatively opened the mind link, relieved when Cas's voice whispered in his mind, "What is it?" Bobby's study was already forming around them.

"I'm lost." said the walls in Dean's voice.

"You are the compass by which we all navigate." they responded in Cas's voice.

"Dean?" said Anael, out in the real world.

Instantly, he was out of the mind link and looking at her worried face. He glanced at Cas too, but then looked back at her. "Sorry." he said.

"No apology needed." she said, "I just need to know you're okay."

"I'm fine." he said, without thinking and both angels looked at him like aggrieved puppies. Clearly, that answer was not going to satisfy either of them. She was waiting for him to flip-flop again and reject her and he knew how that felt, to always be waiting for abandonment, half believing he must deserve it. Cas seemed about to pull out a copy of the Pact.

"Tell her you feel lost." said a whisper in his head. It made a kind of sense. Honesty had to be the basis of a good relationship, but would she understand? Angels were like children and complex emotions were beyond their understanding. If love was difficult for her to understand, how would she deal with his confusion?

Then her hand reached out and took his and she looked into his eyes and said, "I know how hard this is for you. I understand and I'm scared too, but it's okay, if we stick together. We can work this out, together."

"Yes, you can." said Cas, "Just like Jules and I did."

"I don't need promises," she said, "I don't need pretty words. Just be honest with me. Just stick around."

"Is that really enough?" he said.

"You don't think you're enough." she said.

"For you? No." he said.

"You're everything I want."

"Angels struggle to know what they want." said Dean.

"Not always." said Cas, "Sometimes it just takes us a while to get there, but when we know, we are absolutely certain. I also doubted her ability to know what she wants, but not anymore. I think Anael knows her own mind better than you know yours."

"Not difficult." said Dean. Anael's hand still held his and it gave him the courage to be honest. "I don't know what to say or how to make this work." he said, "I only know that I really want it to work."

Her smile and the gentle squeeze of her hand on his told him that he had said the right thing. "It's fine," she said, "We don't need a battle plan. We just need to know we both have the same objective. Neither of us surrenders. Neither of us backs down once committed."

"She's right." said Cas, "You two have both defied Heaven in the past. If you set your minds to something, I don't see how it can fail."

"Most of my life has been one failure after another." Said Dean. Anael gently relinquished his hand, but the warmth of her touch remained and she seemed to have moved closer.

"But you never gave up," said Cas, "Even when everybody else did and you always found a way to win. You never stopped until you did."

"I love you both." he said. It was easier and safer than saying it to Anael alone, but he saw Cas smile and knew that he understood that two very different kinds of love were involved.