Sorry for the delay, but I decided to make this one a little longer than the last one. With that said, Steven Universe is owned by Cartoon Network and Gravity Falls is owned by Disney. Enjoy.
Chapter 3: Babes in the Woods
(A short time later)
"It was mankind's most perfect creation." Steven began in a hushed but dramatic tone. "Rich, creamy vanilla blended with sweet strawberry, sandwiched between two soft, chewy chocolate cookies, all cut into the adorable shape of a cartoon cat's head."
"They sound amazing." Mabel replied, sounding totally enraptured by the strange boy's story. "Why would they ever stop making them?"
"I'm glad you asked, because there's actually two schools of thought on that. Most people think it's because they couldn't compete with Lion Lickers, but I think it's a conspiracy. You see, I was talking to this girl I know who works at a convenience store and she says…"
It was at this point that Dipper tuned out the rest of the conversation. In all his days, all 4678 of them, the amateur mystery hunter had never heard anyone speak so passionately and for so long about something so completely inconsequential; except for Mabel, of course. Honestly, the way Steven talked about it, you'd think the discontinuation of his favorite ice cream treat was a national tragedy that deserved to be memorialized through poetry and song. It was actually quite annoying. However, petty annoyances aside, the young lad was exactly where he wanted to be. For although it was unlikely he'd get to see the mysterious ruins from his dream today, he appeared to have stumbled upon an even greater mystery.
This so-called 'Steven Universe'.
Since arriving in Gravity Falls, Dipper had become accustomed to a certain level of strangeness, so when a mysterious boy his own age suddenly appeared before him astride a pink lion, he initially didn't think much of it. However, as time wore on and his analytical mind began to percolate, the amateur mystery hunter began to realize just how off this whole situation was. Firstly, based on what he'd seen so far, the vast majority of the townsfolk were completely oblivious to, if not in outright denial of, the supernatural nature of their community, and yet this random, seemingly normal boy had a magical beast for a pet. Clearly he did not fit the usual mold, and to Dipper's knowledge the only other people who didn't fit the mold were a hillbilly mad scientist and a child psychopath; not exactly a good group to be placed in. What's more, there was something just plain weird about Steven. The way he talked, the way he acted, it was just… odd. There was definitely something suspicious about this kid.
"…and then, I ate all the apples in the tree, and that farmer was so angry…" Steven said to Mabel in a way that was somehow both casual and unnecessarily dramatic, which she apparently found utterly enchanting.
Or… maybe he was just grasping at straws?
Oh, who was he kidding? There was nothing suspicious about Steven. He was just an ordinary kid. Maybe he was a little weird, but big deal, so was Mabel. And just because he knew about supernatural stuff didn't automatically make him bad. Heck, Soos knew about that stuff too and you couldn't ask for a better friend than him. The strange boy hadn't done or said anything even remotely suspicious. So then why had he tripped his radar? Perhaps the young lad had taken Journal 3's warning a bit too much to heart?
While thinking all of this, Dipper, for reasons he didn't fully understand, felt compelled to reach into his backpack and pull out said Journal so he could take a look at it.
"Sigh. Maybe Mabel's right?" He said to himself aloud as he gazed into his reflection in the book's golden six fingered hand logo. "Maybe I am bonkers?"
"Hey, whatcha got there?" Steven asked innocently; startling Dipper, who hadn't noticed him come up beside him.
"Oh, it's uh nothing." The young mystery hunter lied; mostly as a reflex. "It's just my journal, that's all."
"Whoa~ That's so cool~" the strange boy said enthusiastically as he looked over the large, red leatherbound book. "A six fingered hand. It looks just like the thing in Amethyst's room."
This time, it only took a fraction of a second for Dipper's brain to process that peculiar statement.
"What did you just…" the young mystery hunter began, only to lose his train of thought once he caught sight of something even more peculiar. "H-How are you doing that?"
"Doing what?" Steven replied innocently.
"That thing you just did with your eyes."
"What thing?"
"Your pupils. They… They turned into stars for like a second."
"Oh, that. Yeah, I have no idea. They just do that sometimes."
Dipper was about to question him further, when his ears were struck by an unusual sound.
Chika-Chika
Chika-Chika
"What was that?" the young lad asked alarmedly.
"What was what?" the other youth asked confusedly.
Chika-Chika
Chika-Chika
"Whoa! I heard it too." Mabel chimed in unexpectedly. "It sounds like a maraca. Gasp. Are we being stalked by mariachis?"
Chika-Chika
Chika-Chika
Suddenly, Dipper remembered something he'd read in the Journal just the other day. Something about a mysterious creature who liked to hide behind trees and frighten lumberjacks with its spooky rattling sound. He was about to open the book and try to find that exact page, when his peculiar new friend spoke up first.
"Hey, Doug! Is that you?" Steven said in a loud but friendly voice to whatever unseen force was making that noise. "It's me, Steven! Steven Universe!"
"Steven Universe…" replied a soft, wheezing voice that seemed to come from everywhere at once. "Well, bless my soul. It's been far too long. How have you been, my little friend?"
"Oh, I'm fine. Just taking my new friends down to the lake. I've been meaning to come visit you, but I don't know where you live." Steven answered before a confused look spread over his face. "Come to think of it, I don't even know what you look like."
"Yes, well, that's just my way. I wouldn't be much of a 'Hide-Behind' if I let people look at me, now would I?"
"No, I guess you wouldn't. Listen, it's been nice talking to you, but we need to get going. I'm supposed to be back home in a couple of hours."
"I understand, but before you go, I thought I'd give you a little warning. The Boar King came this way a couple hours ago. It looked like he was heading for the eastside of the forest. You know, where all the good truffles are. But don't forget how strong his nose is or how fast he can move when he's angry. So once you've helped your new friends, I suggest you stick to the shoreline and head straight for home."
"Thanks, Doug. I'll be sure to do that."
"Good. Oh, and one last thing. Please tell your sister, the purple-haired one, not to be such a stranger. I do so miss hearing her sing."
"I'll tell her the next time I see her, and thanks again for the heads up."
"My pleasure. Anyway, I must be going. Goodbye, Little Master of the Universe."
And with that, the unseen creature moved on to parts unknown; not that anyone actually saw it leave, of course.
"Steven, that was incredible!" Mabel exclaimed enthusiastically, clearly even more enamored with the strange boy than she was before.
"Really? All I did was talk to an old friend."
"What was that thing?" Dipper asked, having finally regained his voice.
"Oh, that was just Doug. Some of the folks in town call him the Hide-Behind, but I don't think he likes that name much, so I just call him Doug." Steven explained causally, before his face contorted into an expression of horrified realization. "Oh my gosh! I forgot to introduce you to him. I'm so sorry."
"No, it's fine. It's all good." Dipper replied as his brain struggled to compute this new development. "So… you're actually friends with… whatever that was?"
"I'm friends with pretty much everyone in the forest." The other boy answered matter-of-factly. "Except for the Manotaurs, they're mean, and the Boar King, of course."
"The Boar King?"
"Yeah, but it's a really big forest. We probably won't run into him today… hopefully."
The young mystery hunter had six or seven follow-up questions, but before he could even try to ask them, his sister chimed in unexpectedly.
"Hey, guys! You gotta come see this!" she exclaimed excitedly in a voice that was somehow too loud even for outdoors.
Acting mainly on reflex, the two boys obeyed her call and ran over to where she was standing. Then, with a big goofy grin on her face, she wordlessly parted the large bush in front of her, and Dipper was treated to a sight that made his heart swell with joy. For beyond that seemingly ordinary shrub was a large clearing that was positively packed to the brim with just about every kind of magical creature you could imagine. Elves, fairies, dryads, water sprites, redcaps, hobgoblins, hinkypunks, and at least a dozen others he didn't recognize. All of them mulling about and interacting with each other like it was some kind of college quad.
Each possessing their own unique fondness for all things magical, the Pines Twins were both in awe of what they were seeing. Steven, however, had a much more reserved response.
"Oh good, not too much traffic today." He said casually as he stepped through the bush and into the magical clearing. "Come on, guys. It should only take another fifteen minutes from here."
Still somewhat in shock, the twins followed their guide and watched in quiet amazement as he cheerfully greeted each magical creature they passed.
First they came upon a short, decrepit old woman in a dark red cloak picking mushrooms off a rotting log. Based off her appearance, she was most likely a witch. From a distance, it appeared as though the old hag was riding on top of a great mass of tarantulas, but upon closer examination they were revealed to be crawling severed hands.
"Hey, Mrs. Hand Witch!" Steven called to the old crone pleasantly.
"What? Who said that?" the Hand Witch said confusedly as she looked around, only to flash a hideous, mostly toothless smile once her eyes fell upon the young lad. "Oh, hello there, Steven. How's your father doing?"
"A lot better now. Turns out it was just a cold."
"Good, good. Listen, I've got some brew in the cauldron, so I can't stay to talk, but do drop by for lunch sometime. After you've gotten that Boar King situation straighten out, of course."
"Okay, I will. You have a nice day then."
And with that, he waved goodbye to the old hag and continued on his way.
Next they came upon a babbling brook, in which sat two creatures that, thanks to years of watching anime, Dipper immediately recognized as kappas. However, unlike the more monstrous versions seen in Japanese folklore, these river children were quite cute. Their bodies were slender and feminine and they were dressed in skimpy schoolgirl uniforms. They wore way too much makeup and their long, silken hair had been dyed and sprinkled with glitter. In short, they looked just like normal Japanese teenagers; except for their beaks, webbed hands and green skin.
"Keiko-chan! Miki-chan! Kon'nichiwa!" Steven called to the river demons cheerfully.
Now, Dipper wasn't exactly fluent in Japanese, but he had gleaned enough to realize that they were gushing over how adorable they thought Steven and Mabel were, while they snapped pictures of them with their phones. The two hams happily posed for them for a few minutes before moving on.
Soon after that, they came to a large tree stump with three figures sitting around it; seemingly playing cards. They were all clearly men and at first glance appeared completely human, but upon closer examination Dipper noticed that they all had the same eerie glow as the Duskertons; meaning that they were most certainly ghosts.
"Read 'em and weep, boys." Said one of the ghosts; a middle-aged, heavyset fellow in a checkered suit and straw hat. "Four aces, I take the pot."
"Not so fast there, Calvin." Said another spirit; this one dressed like a Confederate soldier. "Straight Flush. I take the pot."
"Hmmm." Went the third ghost suspiciously; a tall, thin, balding man with thick glasses and a power suit. "You know something, Colonel. I can't prove it, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you're cheating."
"Cheating?" the Colonel repeated incredulously. "Why, them's fightin' words! I swear, Oliver, if we weren't so close, I'd leap over this stump and sock you right in the nose."
As he said this, several cards fell out of the Colonel's left sleeve, earning him some nasty looks from his associates.
"Well now, how do you suppose those got in there?"
"Hey, fellas!" Steven called to them cheerfully; preventing what surely would've been a violent altercation.
"Well, look over here. It's our old pal, Steven Universe." The Colonel said in a transparent attempt to shift the conversation away from his cheating. "How you doin' there, boy?"
"I'm great, Colonel. But I wanted to introduce you to some friends of mine." The strange boy replied casually. "Everyone, these are my new friends, Dipper and Mabel. Dipper and Mabel, allow me to introduce Colonel Montgomery J Burnside of the 8th Tennessee Regiment."
"Charmed, I'm sure." Said the southerner politely.
"Mr. Calvin Q Culpepper, top salesman of the Atomic Age Vacuum Cleaner Company from 1962 to 1967."
"Howdy do." Replied the fat man.
"And last but not least, the honorable Judge Oliver Wendel Northwest."
"A pleasure, children. A most distinct pleasure." Said the bald man in a voice that made Dipper think of a weasel for some reason.
"Whoa! Cool! Real live ghosts!" Mabel said excitedly, seemingly unaware of the oxymoron. "So, are you guys, like, haunting these woods?"
"In a manner of speaking." The fat man, Calvin, answered casually. "You see, our bodies are all buried under this tree stump, so we can't stray too far away from this clearing. If someone happens to come by we give 'em a good scare, but mostly we just play cards. Not a whole lot else to do when you're dead."
"Wait, all three of your bodies are buried under this one stump? How did that happen?" Dipper asked curiously. "And come to think of it, what's a Civil War ghost doing all the way in Oregon?"
"That, my boy, is on a need to know basis." The Colonel said bluntly. "However, since Steven vouches for you, I suppose you can be trusted. You two ain't yankees, are you?"
"Uh… we're from California." Replied Dipper, hoping that would suffice.
"But we're pretty sure our mom's from Alabama." Added Mabel.
"Hmm… Good enough." The old confederate said with a shrug, before moving on. "Anyway, it's like this, I and several other men from my regiment were sent here on special assignment from President Davis himself, to retrieve a certain document from this town and deliver it to the Confederacy."
"What sort of document?" the young mystery hunter asked, having become quite intrigued.
"I wasn't privy to any of the specifics, but supposedly President Davis believed it could've been used as leverage to force the Union to surrender." The Colonel continued with his story. "At any rate, rumor had it that the document was buried somewhere in this forest, so my men and I began an exhaustive search. Unfortunately, I was in such a rush to complete our mission that I didn't check the map too carefully, and by the time I realized it was over seven years out of date, we were already hopelessly lost."
"It happens." Dipper said empathetically.
"Yes, well, things only got worse from there. Winter soon set in and eventually we were forced to result to cannibalism. As leader, I nobly sacrificed my life for the good of my men."
"Now hold on a minute, Colonel." Calvin interrupted. "You told me that you got eaten because you drew the shortest straw."
To which the Colonel replied,
"Shut up, dummy."
"What about you, Mr. Culpepper?" Mabel asked politely in a clear attempt to keep the conversation rolling. "How did you end up out here?"
"Well… that's kind of a long story, and most of it's not really appropriate for children." The fat man explained calmly. "But let me put it this way. If you ever find yourself in the vacuum cleaner business, always remember this important rule. Never let your boss catch you leaving a movie theater with his younger sister."
Nobody knew how to respond to that.
"I suppose it's my turn then." The Judge spoke up suddenly. "Well, as you've no doubt deduced from my name, I once belonged to one of the richest families in the tristate area. You know that big mansion up on the hill? I used to share that with my younger brother, Preston."
"Ooo~" Mabel said, clearly impressed.
"Ooo, indeed. But anyway, about fifteen years ago, Preston and I were engaged in a heated argument over the guestlist of our annual party. Neither one of us was willing to budge and our anger soon turned to violence."
"Your brother killed you over a party?" Dipper asked, sounding and feeling extremely horrified.
"What? Oh, heavens no. We just slapped each other around a little. A Northwest would never stoop to murder, not personally anyway." The Judge explained. "However, I was so angry after our fight that I forgot the maids had just waxed the stairs. So I slipped, fell over the railing and landed face first into a glass display case containing my collection of antique letter openers."
Everyone visibly shuddered at this.
"Wait… if your death was an accident, then why was your body dumped out here?" Dipper asked curiously.
"Pure and simple spite, I suppose. Preston always was a petty little twerp. Which reminds me, my brother still lives in town, if any of you should happen to speak with him, would you be so kind as to deliver a message for me?"
No one said anything, but they all nodded in agreement.
"Excellent. Please tell him that he's a spineless little momma's boy without an ounce of originality or ambition and that when he dies I'm not inviting him to any of my parties." The Judge said before letting out a wicked cackle. "Oh, Oliver, you are a devil."
Dipper wasn't quite sure why, but something about the way the Judge spoke to them made him feel very uncomfortable, and judging from the look on Mabel's face, she felt the same way. Fortunately for them, Steven seemed to pick up on this.
"Well, it's been nice talking to you guys, but we have to get going now." The young lad said politely. "We'll let you finish your game."
"Alright, you kids have fun." Said the Colonel.
"See you later then." Said the fat man.
"Safe travels, children." Said the Judge before adding. "But if you should run into the Boar King along the way, feel free to come back once he's done with you. We're all getting a little sick of Poker and we could use a fourth for Bridge."
All three ghosts burst out laughing as the three youths went on their way.
"Sorry about that." Steven said to the twins once they were out of earshot. "I don't usually come here with other people, but I've been told that Oliver tends to creep people out."
"It's fine." Dipper replied. "It's not like he was rude or anything. It's just… there's something kind of… off about that guy. You know what I mean?"
"My dad says there's something off about the whole Northwest Family. I've never talked to any of them, but all the adults say there are all kinds of nasty rumors about them."
"What kind of rumors?"
"I don't know. Whenever I ask, everyone says I'm 'too young' to hear about it."
"Sigh. I know that feeling."
The two boys shared a silent look of mutual understanding before Steven went back to chatting with Mabel, leaving Dipper alone with his thoughts.
That was the fourth time in the last ten minutes that someone had mentioned this 'Boar King'. If this were a novel or a tv show, that would be considered foreshadowing. He was about to ask Steven about this mysterious creature, when Mabel cut him off.
"Oh my gosh! Are those fairies?" she asked excitedly as she pointed to a group of tiny winged women chatting around a patch of toadstools.
"Would you like me to introduce you to them?" Steven asked courteously.
"Would you?" she asked, her smile threatening to split her face in half.
"Sure. It'd be my pleasure." He said with a smile, before quickly adding. "Just… don't eat anything they give you."
And with that, the two of them went off to talk amongst the fairy folk. Dipper hung back, having no real interest in those types of creatures. With the mystery of the Boar King momentarily out of reach, he set his analytical mind to percolate over a different mystery.
Steven Universe.
While his initial mistrust of him may have been unfounded, recent developments had renewed some of his suspicions. It was one thing to be more aware of magical creatures than other people or to even have befriended some of them , but this was something completely different. Steven was able to talk with these beings and move among them with a level of familiarity that Dipper didn't have with most humans, almost as if he were one of them.
"Who are you, Steven Universe?" the young mystery hunter muttered to himself as the strange boy and his sister curtsied before what appeared to be the Fairy Queen. "What are you?"
XXX
(Somewhere a few miles away)
Snort.
Snort.
Sniff.
Sniff.
Snort.
Snort.
Sniff.
Sniff.
Hungry.
Want food.
Truffles good.
Want truffles.
No can find scent.
Sniff.
Sniff.
Found scent.
Not truffles, but familiar.
Smells like… Pink One.
Pink One bad.
Pink One hurt me.
Pink One in forest.
Pink One not with others.
Must find Pink One.
Pink One must die.
End Notes:
This one took a little more time to write and edit. I hope it was worth the wait.
With that said, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.
Peace.
