Inspired by this post on tumblr:

my sister-in-law, who has no kids and does not spend time around children ever, decided she wanted to take my kids on an "outing" yesterday. (she sees them like 4 times a year usually). she took them to some weird historical u.s. military fort museum thing, it's like a big compound with like 15 buildings enclosed by a fence. anyway my 5-yr-old saw one of those red metal fire alarm boxes on the wall and asked his aunt "what does that say?"

now the correct answer to this question, in my opinion, would be "that is a fire alarm. we only touch fire alarms if there is a fire. if there is a fire, you would pull the handle and it would make a very loud noise so that other people know to get out of the building."

according to several reliable sources, my sister-in-law's answer to the question was, "it says 'pull.'"

so anyway that's how they managed to evacuate all 15 buildings at the museum and why this is probably their last "outing" for a while.


It began with Scott.

With her best friend Lucy seven months pregnant with her second child, Val decided it would be a good idea to take her 16-month-old godson out for a couple of hours to give Lucy a break.

'Where are you going to take him?'

'I thought the play park.'

'Are you sure, Val? Scotty is very fast on his feet, you'll need to keep a close eye in him.'

'It's a play park for 6-months and upwards. I'm pretty sure we'll be fine, won't we Scotty?'

Scott beamed at his godmother from her side. He'd refused to get in the pushchair, and rather than have a screaming tantrum before they even got out the door Val had grasped his hand tightly. Lucy had told her to take the pram anyway, but Val was adamant that she'd be alright. If Scott got tired she'd carry the child, after all he was quite light.

Four hours later a very worried Lucy, on the verge of calling Jeff in a panic now that Val and Scott were two hours late, opened the door to find the objects of her worry standing there. She struggled to keep a straight face as she looked over them.

Scott's face was bright red and tear-stained. Her boy was quietly hiccupping, small hands grasping tightly to his Godmother's jacket. He took one look at his mother and virtually launched himself at her with an ear-piercing scream.

Val, so usually pristine of dress and grooming, looked a right sight. Her bun was almost non-existent, there were muddy handprints all over her and she looked like she was almost as ready to scream as Scott did.

Jigging Scott up and down while she made him a warm milk, Lucy couldn't help shooting glances at her best friend as Val practically collapsed into a chair. She made them coffee, and sat down with Scott on her lap, passing Val over her cup.

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'No. Never again, I tell you.'

Lucy never did find out what had happened.

John was born and then Virgil came in quick succession, and Val loved every minute with she spent with the three of them, but she never offered to take them out on her own. Lucy and Jeff had tried several times to find what exactly had gone on, but Val kept shtum and Scott was too young to really remember the occasion.

There was a break of a couple of years between Virgil and Gordon and still Val never offered to take them out again.

Until Lucy fell pregnant with their fifth.

By this time Gordon was three, Virgil was six, John seven and Scott nine. And seven-and-a-half years ago was a long time…

This baby was causing Lucy more problems than any of the others, and one day when Jeff was away on business Val found herself offering to take the boys out.

Just for a couple of hours, she said.

They're much older, she said.

I have a secret weapon in Scott, she said.

Lucy couldn't have looked more sceptical if she tried. But Val was adamant she would manage this time. And she had another secret weapon.

Val was going to take them to the aviation museum.

Scott and Virgil would love the planes. John would enjoy the small section on space travel. And there was an interactive area for toddlers that would keep Gordon preoccupied.

Lucy was still sceptical. But she packed a bag of food and drink for them all which Scott manfully shouldered and watched them leave, Gordon firmly held between Val and Scott.

Several hours later four very wet children and one very wet adult trudged up to the door.

This time Lucy could not hold back her laughter. While the three eldest boys were scowling, Gordon was as animated as ever. She shooed them into the house straight upstairs to change and once more made coffee as Val collapsed into the chair.

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'No. Never again, I tell you.'

'You said that last time.'

Val groaned.

'I thought that, since they were more grown up, they would be alright.'

'Huh. Ok.'

Her best friend eyed her suspiciously before carrying on.

'By the way, the kids and I are now banned from the museum.'

'WHAT! What happened?'

'Virgil asked me what the red lever said.'

'The fire alarm?'

'Yes.'

'What did you say?'

'…'

'Please tell me you explained that it was to set the alarm off in the event of a fire?'

'Umm…no. I said: "It says pull."'

Lucy couldn't help but stare open-mouthed at her.

'So Gordon pulled it.'

'Oh no.'

'And not just the fire alarm one. The one that set the sprinklers off that we passed on the way to the exit.'

'Oh no.'

'And every lever we passed by. That boy's quick.'

Lucy bit her lip, struggling not to laugh. And then she failed. Val stared for a moment before she too joined in.

'Never again, Val?'

'Never again, Lucy. Promise me one thing?'

'Sure! What?'

'If I ever offer again, please tell me no.'

'What? And deprive you of taking all five of your Godsons out?'

'YES! This time I mean it – Never again!'