Beckett: Ghosts
Sunday 9 December
'Not shot, Castle. Shot at,' she huffed. 'There's a big difference, I keep telling you.' She hobbled to the couch rejecting the outstretched hands of Castle, Martha and her father. 'In fact, he wasn't even shooting at me. It was my fault I slipped and got my heel caught in a grate and twisted it.' Wobbling like a baby deer, she lowered herself onto the sofa and hoisted her casted foot onto the coffee table then fell back exhausted into the cushions.
'You didn't just twist it, Beckett, you fractured an ankle bone. And you hit your head.'
'Pffft, I'm fine,' she said, looking at Erin who stood apart from the others, pale and quiet.
Castle sat down beside her and took a hand in his. 'Kate, they did a CT scan because they think you lost consciousness,' he said slowly, his eyes chasing hers demanding that she meet his.
'It was just the initial pain.' Her hand was too heavy to lift to wave him away. 'I don't even think I passed out. The CT scan came back fine, and I don't have a concussion.' Thank goodness as the nurses wouldn't administer pain relief stronger than Tylenol until she had been cleared for concussion. It was unfortunate that as she fell, she had collided with a railing. At least she had hit her head at the back so there were no bruises or cuts on her face, Erin looked horrified enough by the cast and crutches.
She was furious with Ryan for having panicked her family. Yes, there had been a guy shooting off bullets outside a high-rise commercial building, but Ryan had made it sound as if she had been in a one-to-one stand off and had been purposely targeted. She had been with a team, and the guy had been neutralised without anyone else getting hurt. The case was open and shut; they had located the shooter just minutes after arriving at the crime scene. Another tragedy of a dead passer-by at the hands of someone who shouldn't have had access to a lethal weapon.
The drama at the hospital had been over the top and unnecessary. Blue-lighted in an ambulance, she had barely been there five minutes before Castle, Jim and Erin had burst into her ER cubicle. The pain in her ankle was excruciating and she was relieved when Jim took Erin home and she could groan uninhibited. Jim wouldn't leave, however, until the CT scan was complete. It was the middle of the night so there was only one person on shift running the CT machine and the queue was long. It was almost four am when they finally left. Castle, of course, had stayed and had not commented on the moans she couldn't keep suppressed, instead occasionally harassing anyone in any colour scrubs that passed by to try to speed things along.
Like her, it didn't look as if Erin had managed to sleep at all if the bags under her eyes were any indication. It was now almost midday as she had had to wait for her foot to be x-rayed and then casted. She was tired, dopey from painkillers, which were only just taking the edge off the throbbing pain, and she wanted to be left alone. Would they all stop looking at her with such concern?
Castle and Martha fussed over her, propping her up on cushions and plying her with food and drink. She must be tired as the smell of coffee made her nauseous. They took the hint when she couldn't stop yawning that she ought to go to bed for a few hours. Kate looked over at Erin who had remained hovering at a distance and gently asked if she might like to do the same. Unsmiling and arms crossed, Erin wandered back upstairs without answering. Several pairs of eyes darted nervously.
'I'll talk to her later,' said Kate as another yawn overtook her.
Although exhausted she couldn't drift off, her mind on overdrive and she ruminated instead over the last few weeks. She couldn't believe that this had happened. They had been making such good progress with Erin. They had started to settle into a routine, and they were not just having fun together, Erin was trusting her more and more. She was going happily to the therapist each week. Though often quiet afterwards and she didn't offer to share (Kate took great pains not to pry), the panic attacks had stopped so she assumed the sessions were having a positive impact. Castle seemed to agree.
Being the one last night to sooth Castle's neuroses made her feel less like the novice to his experienced parent. As the weeks were passing, she was no longer haunted by the fear that Erin might not like her. Her daughter's enthusiasm on her birthday had been beyond touching. The homemade card had contained a simple message of Happy Birthday, love from Erin but it had brought a lump to her throat. As she had mentioned to Castle, however, some of her apparent demonstrations of affection were disconcerting. She had countered her boyfriend's interpretation that Erin making orange juice only for her was favouritism with her own hesitation that Erin's motivations were driven more by fear of rejection or compulsion to impress. Their little troika was haphazardly steering its way through stormy seas to land. The last thing they needed now was an accident to drag their ship further out to sea.
Kate tried to roll onto her back, but she hissed as even the soft pillow aggravated the bump on the back of her head. She pulled the plush duvet up around her neck; the cast made it difficult to find a comfortable position. Castle had propped her foot up on a pillow to elevate it to help reduce the swelling. The doctor had assured her it wouldn't feel so tight after a few days as the swelling eased. She had half-heartedly patted the bed beside her to encourage him to nap too. After all he had also been awake all night, but he had kissed her on the forehead and said he would leave her to rest and nap himself in Alexis's room.
Castle's declaration of insecurity had been a welcome moment of clarity. Over the last intense few weeks, he had been so supportive of her, but it was a beacon of light to be able to reciprocate that support. His tender assurances and the way he had been as unyielding as diamond as she had leaned on him made it easy to forget how sensitive he was. That he was able to share his vulnerability with her made her feel even closer to him. Moreover, shocked and unprepared for motherhood, she hadn't taken the time before to analyse what her strengths might be in their parenting partnership and while she had been trying to console him, her words had been comforting to her too. She had been lucky enough to have two great parents who could inspire her.
Butterflies battered her stomach as she recalled the physical intimacy that came after the talking. That they could express the equality and strength of their new relationship this way was still exhilarating. The emotional abandon and freedom and safety she felt with him was like no sexual relationship she had ever experienced before. She hoped she wasn't wrong that she was sure he felt this too. Alas, they weren't going to be enjoying that quite so easily for the moment.
She cursed out loud that just as she was overcoming her self-doubt and felt more in control (of herself, of Erin, of her relationship with her boyfriend), she was going to have to be physically reliant on Castle for a while. Gates had told her in no uncertain terms that she wasn't welcome back at the precinct for at least a week and even then, she would be stuck on desk duty for several weeks.
There was another problem over which she didn't feel in control, and she didn't know how to resolve. While they were navigating their new relationship and sudden status as co-parents, it wasn't the greatest feeling in the world to hear that Alexis thought she was bullying her father. The stepchild/stepmother divide, so far unspoken and undefined, felt like a chasm across which she would not be able to reach Alexis. What kind of relationship should she be forging with her boyfriend's adult daughter? How could she explain to Alexis how she feels about her father? That the last thing she wants to do is hurt him, that being with him is making her happier than she ever thought possible and that's all she wants for Castle too. He had been unable for years to hide his awe of her; surely, he knows how much she is astonished by him? Working out their new living arrangements, however, especially with the sudden arrival of Erin, was going to take some push and pull.
As she had witnessed in her parents' marriage, disagreements and compromise are normal in a healthy relationship, something she had never managed to find for herself until now and she wasn't going to let Alexis mess it up. Alexis didn't have the same experience to learn from: Rick had rarely talked in detail about his marriage to Gina, but she guessed that compromise had not been high on the list. She would just have to take it on the chin that in Alexis's mind she was always going to be the antagonist, she would be incapable of seeing her father objectively. At first, Castle had been angry with Alexis, but they had soon fallen back into their familiar easy dynamic. She snorted at the irony that Castle had felt excluded from her relationship with Erin when his own relationship with his daughter excluded everyone else. Defending herself would be futile so she concluded that keeping silent would be her best option and she could only hope that Alexis would appreciate her commitment to her father as time goes by.
A new headache pulsated behind her eyes. Feeling groggy, her thoughts drifted back to her own daughter. She felt a stab of pain that had nothing to do with her injury at the cold look Erin had given her as she had gone upstairs. The allergy incident at the restaurant had made her feel so helpless and redundant while others took care of Erin. When she had first taken Erin to her apartment and she had let slip that her mother would never have let her get on a motorcycle, she had felt the ghost of Niamh McDonnell at her shoulder. She had reappeared again that night. She was always going to be competing with the other mother. She knew it wasn't and shouldn't be a competition, but she couldn't help being hyper aware that her mothering would always be compared to Naimh's. Niamh and Daniel had raised her so well, a gratitude she could never express to them in person, but would she ever be able to measure up?
Then again as Erin had, as promised, refused to talk further about her, Kate's confidence had grown in response to Erin's increasingly trusting behaviour, and Niamh's ghost had receded. And then when her daughter needed her to take control of the kitten drama and later comfort her with her periods she had succumbed to elation and Niamh had disappeared completely. She had held her head higher at work, she became less distracted, able to focus better as well as join in with her colleagues' teasing banter.
Only a few days ago another brick in Erin's wall had come down. Wrapped up in pyjamas and dressing gowns they had curled up on the couch to watch 10 Things I Hate About You while Erin rode the waves of her first period pains. As Kate had experienced in the first couple of years of her periods, the cramps were powerful. As Erin had stretched out, hot water bottle crushed against her belly, her bare feet had accidentally nudged Kate's thighs. Her feet had stilled. Hardly daring to breathe, as if the tiniest misstep would break the electric circuit, Kate had lifted them onto her legs. They had stayed like that for the rest of the movie, like statues, neither acknowledging the touch. It had taken all her willpower not to stroke the baby-soft skin. After tonight, that moment felt like a distant dream and the wall ten feet high.
She really needed to sleep because for a second she thought she saw the figure of a woman appear by the far wall.
A/N I am never sure if I have made things appropriately explicit, especially as I am working so hard with learning to balance 'show and tell' with this story, but given it's the Halloween Bash season, I'll just make it clear that Niamh's ghost is metaphorical! This hasn't suddenly turned into a supernatural story!
A short chapter for once, I just wanted to get back into Kate's head space without necessarily forwarding the plot.
And did you really think I was going to shoot her and turn this into a hospital drama?
Thanks as ever for reviews and follows. To those guests who leave such lovely messages, I can't thank you in person but thank you!
