Chapter 18: Zanpak-D'oh!: Kuishinbo Returns! Part 2
The following day found both Homer and Marge along with their Zanpakuto at Squad 11's barracks. The latter was dragged along with Homer as Zaraki had heard about Marge manifesting a Zanpakuto and wanted to take her on as well. The husband and wife were standing in front of Zaraki with their Zanpakuto by their sides and surrounded by almost all of Squad 11. Homer was shaking uncontrollably and Marge was feeling unnerved as well. She wasn't exactly a big fan of violence and she could tell from the look on Nureta Mofu's face that he felt the same.
"Alright," Zaraki growled happily. "Since I'm the one that asked for this match, I'll be a gracious host and let you two decide which one I fight first!"
Marge murmured. "Excuse Captain Zaraki. Now I understand that this is another world and that you people have different customs."
"Yeah?" Zaraki responded with annoyance in his voice. "And your point is?"
"I just don't see why we need to fight," Marge explained. "Can't we just play Monopoly or something?"
Marge's words elicited an uproar from Zaraki's men. Sensing the men's anger, Nureta Mofu took a defensive stance in front of his master.
"Lady, I understand that you humans aren't used to fighting back in your world." Zaraki began.
Marge considered telling him that war was a thing and decided to keep her mouth shut.
"But here in Soul Society and especially here in Squad 11, those who can't or won't fight are seen as worthless!" Zaraki's men howled in approval at their Captain's words and he waited for the cheers to die down before continuing. "If you're gonna become a Shinigami when you die, you're gonna have to drop any pathetic notion of being a pacifist and learn to love battle! Besides, Yachiru already ate all the pieces from our Monopoly game."
"The shoe tasted like Baldy's head." Yachiru chirped.
"So I'll ask you again. Who's going first!?"
"Homer," Kuishinbo whispered. "This is the perfect chance to test our fighting strength! We should go first!"
"No way!" Homer protested fearfully. "Have you seen that maniac? He'll kill us 20 times before we even hit the ground!"
"Don't forget that this time you have me to fight alongside you!" Kuishinbo reassured Homer. "Do you not remember what I taught you back in your Inner World about running from a fight?"
"Well, to be fair, I kinda just went along with that so you wouldn't kill me," Homer admitted sheepishly.
Kuishinbo gave Homer a blank stare that lasted for a few awkward seconds of silence before grabbing his wrist and pulling him along toward the middle of the room as he kicked and screamed. "We will take you on first Captain Zaraki!"
"Ahhhhh! No! Noo! I don't wanna die!" Homer cried. "I just figured out how to steal cable from this place!"
Byakuya and Renji stood before the strange, crudely constructed machine that was nailed to his wall. Its small screen depicted a man in a red suit sitting on a desk with some paper. "Today's top story, the search for the missing Simpson family is still underway."
"What is this abomination?" Byakuya asked his lieutenant. "It seems to be a smaller, uglier version of Squad 12's computers."
"It's what's known in the World of the Living as a TV." Renji explained. "Humans watch random things on it for fun."
"I fail to see how watching an elderly man discuss his personal and rather gruesome theory on the disappearance of the Simpsons is in any way fun."
"Umm...D-Different strokes for different folks?" Renji offered in an unsure voice.
Byakuya walked up to the TV and turned the knob to the left of the screen. "How do I turn this contraption off?"
The newsman vanished in a sea of static and was replaced with footage of cherry blossoms accompanied by beautiful music. "Welcome to the Cherry Blossom Viewing Channel." A calm voice spoke from the TV. "24 hours of nonstop cherry blossom inaction."
Byakuya remained still and silent for a few moments before turning to Renji and asking, "Renji, will you bring my tea here today? I wish to watch the cherry blossoms."
Homer could not stop shaking as he and Kuishinbo faced the battle-hungry Zaraki. "Alright!" The Squad 11 Captain bellowed. "Here I come!"
"En Garde!" Kuishinbo shouted as she took a fighting stance, her scythe ready to swing. "Homer, give me your command!"
"Make us a car so we can drive out of here!?" Homer pleaded.
"Command denied!"
"But you said-
"Homer!" Kuishinbo growled as Zaraki neared, his Zanpakuto raised and ready to strike.
"Um...um...Make a Stupid Flanders dummy to take the hit!" Homer commanded.
"Very well!" Kuishinbo waved her scythe and a poorly made replica of Homer's next-door neighbor appeared before her just as Zaraki brought his weapon down. The wooden dummy was shattered into pieces by the force of his swing and Marge was swept off her feet by the whiplash. If not for Nurtra Mofu grabbing her arm, she would have flown right out of the area. Instead, only her shoes were sent flying, one hitting Ikkaku in the face and the other hitting Yumichika five seconds apart.
"Gah! What the hell?"
"Haha! You-Oww! My face! My beautiful face!"
"Are you alright Master Margerie?" Nureta Mofu asked.
"I'm fine," Marge reassured him as she pulled the hair from her face, the force of the swing having undone her hairdo as well. "Thank you so much!"
"It was no trouble at all." He smiled.
Kuishinbo noticed this and scoffed but was quickly distracted by Zaraki's second strike which she blocked with her scythe. "Pay attention or I'll kill ya!" He sneered.
"Homer! Give me another command and hurry!"
Homer, who had been sent flying by the force of Zaraki's swing as well and currently crushing three Squad 11 members under his girth, put his finger to his chin to think of what he wanted. "Um...another Stupid Flanders!"
"Our blades are already crossed, you idiot!" Kuishinbo snapped.
"Dawww! But I wanted to see Flanders explode again.'
Kuishinbo let out a howl of frustration. "Screw this! I'll just handle this myself!" She pushed Zaraki away long enough to wave her scythe and produce a blue tube man in the likeness of Duffman, the mascot of Homer's favorite beer, underneath his feet. As the tube man shot up from the ground, Zaraki was sent through the ceiling of the barracks on its head.
"Captain!" A good chunk of the men shouted.
"Heh! " Zaraki smiled once the tube man had stopped. "Now this is what I'm talking about!" Zaraki swung his sword and sliced the tube man in half with the force. Said force hit the ground hard enough to create a giant cloud of dust Zaraki found himself falling through. It began to clear just as he landed, allowing him to see Kuishinbo bloodied and bruised from the force of his swing. Homer was nowhere to be seen but a giant hole in the wall shaped like a fat man told Zaraki all he needed to know. His men had been mostly blown away as well.
"D...Dammit!" Kuishinbo fell to the ground.
"Tsk! Pathetic!" Zaraki looked around for his next opponents. "Alright. Where's the blue-haired chick?"
He spotted Marge and Nurtra Mofu standing to his right, both unfazed by the impact. "Are you alright Master Margerie?"
"I'm fine...again." Marge responded, appearing just a little shaken by what had occurred. "Thank you!"
"I see." Zaraki grinned. "You used your power of erasing to keep the force of my sword from reaching your master." He let out a hearty laugh. "You sure are something else! Hopefully, you can give me a better fight than those last two bozos!"
"Master Margerie, I'm afraid we can postpone this fight no further." Nurtra Mofu warned. "I will do my best to bring you victory!"
"Just don't erase anything that might be expensive," Marge requested. "I don't wanna have to ask Byakuya for money again."
"Let's go!" Zaraki roared as he charged Nurtra Mofu. Marge's Zanpakuto was quick to block the attack with his trident although he was still pushed back a little by Zaraki's strength.
"You are indeed a tough opponent, Zaraki Kenpachi!" Nurtra Mofu complimented. "It is no wonder you hold so much respect among the Shinigami of Soul Society."
"Blah blah blah!" Zaraki taunted. "Less ass-kissing, more ass-kicking!"
"As you wish!" Nurtra looked toward Marge. "Your orders?"
"Erase the ground beneath his feet," Marge instructed. "That way you can have a height advantage!"
"Very well!" Nurtra Mofu knocked Zaraki jumped away from Zaraki and planted the tips of his trident into the ground. "Tidy up!" He commanded. At once the ground underneath Zaraki's feet vanished, creating a hole that the Squad 11 Captain fell into at once. Marge rushed up to the hole and peered down just as Zaraki vanished into the inky blackness below.
"Um..Nurtra Mofu? I don't mean to nitpick but just how deep did you make this hole?" Marge inquired.
"Well..." Nurtra Mofu blushed and rubbed the back of his head. "You didn't exactly tell me how much of the ground to erase so just to be safe, I went ahead and destroyed at least a thousand feet's worth."
Marge murmured worriedly as she looked back to the hole.
"I'm sure he'll be fine." He continued. "Just as long as he lands on his feet."
"Ugggghhh...Did we win?" Marge and Nurtra Mofu looked behind them to see Homer climbing out from the him-shaped hole in the wall, somehow looking worse for wear than Kuishinbo who was also just getting back up.
"No, you dumbass!" She growled as she struggled to get back to her feet. "We lost because of your cowardliness!"
"There, there." Nurtra Mofu walked up to Kuishinbo and offered her a hand. "This was but a sparring match after all. There's no shame in losing."
Kuishinbo stared at Nurtra Mofu for a few moments before slapping her hand away. "Maybe not but there's definitely shame in a goody-two-shoes like you looking down on me." She turned her head away as she said this, her cheeks turning scarlet. Marge noticed this and giggled but decided not to say anything as Kuishinbo seemed embarrassed enough.
"Come on Kuishinbo." Homer approached his Zanpakuto and placed an arm around her shoulder. "Let's bug Byakuya's servants for food. That always cheers you up."
"I suppose..." Kuishinbo sighed before shoving her finger into Homer's face. "But the next time we fight, you better not chicken out!"
"I promise." Homer helped his Zanpakuto up before turning to Marge. "You guys wanna come?"
"Sorry Homer but I won't be able to sleep at night if I just leave the Squad 11 barracks like this. So me and Nurtra Mofu are gonna clean up around here."
"I will make sure to erase any and all unnecessary debris from the area, Master Margerie!" Nurtra Mofu declared.
"Alright, well, see ya back at the house." Homer and Kuishinbo made their way out of the barracks. Once she was sure they were out of hearing range, Kuishinbo began to speak.
"Homer, we need to talk."
"D'oh! Whenever a woman says that, it always means trouble!" Homer whined.
"It's about your wife and her new weapon." Kuishinbo continued. "Don't you find it a little odd that she's so...connected to her Zanpakuto?
"Isn't that like, the whole dealy with you Zanpakuto guys?" Homer asked.
"Well yes but what I mean to say is that they're awfully chummy. And while I'm sure you failed to notice on account of you being...well a man and all, Marge was pretty upset when I rematerialized."
"Maybe at first but now you and she are like two pork rinds in an almost empty bag." Homer drooled. "Mmmmmmm, Pork rinds."
"Have you actually seen us communicate peacefully?" Kuishinbo questioned sternly.
"Umm...well no."
"As usual, I have to spell it out for you Homer." Kuishinbo sighed. "Marge felt jealous of our relationship and manifested Nurtra Mofu to get back at you!"
"That's crazy talk!" Homer shouted. "Just because this Nurtra guy is weirdly good-looking, has hair, has cool erasing powers, and is always following Marge around and calling her Master Margerie doesn't mean...D'oh!"
Back at the Kuchiki Mansion, Homer, Marge, their Zanpakuto, Renji, and Byakuya were all sitting in front of Homer's makeshift TV. The Cherry Blossom Viewing Channel was still playing and so everyone was watching the Sakura petals fall off the branch one after the other.
"Oh..Can't we change the channel?" Homer whined. "Football should be starting about now."
Byakuya slowly turned to Homer and pointed his finger at him. "Hado #-"
Homer screamed. "I surrender!"
Byakuya put his hand down and focused his attention on the TV once more.
"Lousy Sakura Petals." Homer grunted under his breath.
"Oh yeah! Right there! That's the spot!"
"Huh?" Homer looked to his right and saw Marge receiving a shoulder massage from Nurtra Mofu, one she really seemed to be enjoying.
"Oh Nurtra Mofu, you know just the right times to be firm and when to be gentle." Marge complimented.
"My gifts are a reflection of your soul, Master Margerie." Nurtra Mofu replied. "I shall use them to the best of my ability to serve you."
Marge giggled happily in response, causing Homer to murmur. "Marge sweetheart? Could we talk privately for a moment?"
"Of course." Marge chimed as she got up from the floor. "I'll be right back. Save my spot." Marge giggled again.
"As you wish, Master Margerie." Nurtra Mofu promised as his master and her husband left for the kitchen. Awkwardness set in as he realized that, aside from the two Shinigami upfront, he was alone with Homer's Zanpakuto. This awkwardness only intensified when she caught him staring at her and tried to come up with some sort of response. "So...you like...stuff?"
Kuishinobo sighed.
Once Homer and Marge were in the kitchen, Homer looked around for something to eat, having already forgotten his original purpose for coming out there. "Come on, come on! Where's all the stinking food?" He groaned as he pulled out a bunch of bananas from the pantry. "All this guy ever has is fruit!"
"Um, Homie? Didn't you say you wanted to ask me something?" Marge reminded him.
"Oh right!" Homer said with his mouth full of banana. He quickly swallowed the mushy fruit and began explaining his worries to Marge "Well, how do I put this?" Homer shuffled his feet a little. "Well you see, Kuishinbo has this crazy idea, pretty ridiculous if you ask me, that you manifested Nurtra Mofu just to get me jealous."
"What?" Marge waved her hand dismissively. "That's crazy talk! Why would I ever do something so petty?"
"I know right?" Homer agreed. "It's so stupid."
"Right." Marge's eyes narrowed. "But...if by chance I did manifest Nurtra Mofu to make you jealous, it would only be because you're too chummy with Kuishinbo."
"Yeah I-" Homer stopped himself as he realized what Marge was implying. "Hey! What do you mean by that?"
"You have her make your meals. You have her give you massages. You might as well just call that booby-bandage hussy your second wife!"
"Wait a minute! I distinctly remember you getting a shoulder rub from that Picasso reject right before we left the room!" Homer shouted. "I smell a hypocrite Marge!"
"Well I smell someone who couldn't even bother to tell me that he manifested a Zanpakuto in the first place!"
As Homer and Marge continued to argue, Bart, Lisa and Maggie watched from the doorway. "This is terrible!" Lisa gasped
"I know." Bart said. "Homer and Mom both have awesome spirit people to wait on them hand and foot and we get nada! Well this won't stand! I say we go to Mayuri's lab and perform our own Jinzen!"
"But Mom only told us about the Asauchi so that'd we stay away from them!" Lisa argued.
"Well if Mom can't figure out that telling me not to do something is a bad idea by now, then maybe Homer's stupidity is rubbing off on her."
"Quiet you two!" Renji shushed the kids. "I can't hear the arguing."
Bart and Lisa looked at the Squad 6 lieutenant for a few moments before the latter asked why he was standing behind the doorway with them.
"Watching the cherry blossoms on TV was getting kinda stale," Renji admitted as he reached into the bag of chips he happened to have on hand. "This is much more entertaining. He motioned to Homer and Marge fighting as he ate the handful of chips he pulled out of his bag.
"Hey man! Pass me some of those!" Bart requested. Lisa sighed heavily and Maggie sucked on her pacifier.
"Ahhh! So Marge finally wised up and sent you to me." Mayuri cooed. "It's about damn time!"
"Actually, we're sort of going behind her back," Bart admitted. He and his siblings had snuck away in the middle of the night and knocked on the front door of the Squad 12 barracks. Luckily for them, Mayuri was pulling an all-nighter as he usually did and was more than happy to hear they were volunteering themselves for his experiment. "So let's just keep this between us ok?"
"Very well." Mayuri agreed. He snapped his fingers and within seconds, his lieutenant appeared behind him. "Nemu, go fetch the other three proto-Asauchi from the backrooms."
"Yes, Master Mayuri." Nemu vanished into thin air and reappeared with a tray in her hands. On the tray were three swords.
"Cool!" Bart awed.
"Now, in order to perform the Jinzen, you must lay the Asauchi on your laps and meditate until you find your Inner World. There, and only there, will you meet the spirit that is to become your Zanpakuto."
"What!?" Bart whined. "No one said anything about meditating!"
"They mentioned it at the meeting Bart." Lisa reminded him
"Oh yeah."
"Don't worry Bart!" Lisa placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'll teach you all that you need to know."
Bart only responded with a "D'oh!" as Lisa giggled. Maggie once again sucked her pacifier.
The next few days saw a wall of bitterness form between Homer and Marge. They could only look at each other for a few seconds at a time before turning their noses at each other. As they drifted apart, their Zanpakuto began to worry. Eventually, once the tension in the air became too much for them to handle, Kuishinbo and Nurtra Mofu snuck away from the mansion and into the forest nearby to discuss a plan of action.
"We have to do something about this!" Kuishinbo began. "If this doesn't let up soon, their marriage might never recover."
"Right...marriage and all that..." Nurtra Mofu was averting his eyes from Kuishinbo and blushing.
"What's wrong?" She asked. "This is really important!"
"I know, I know. It's just..." Nurtra Mofu rubbed the back of his neck again. "Forgive me for being so direct but being in such close proximity to you is making your lack of upper attire much more apparent."
Kuishinbo blushed and spread her arms over her chest. "At least I have bandages, you ass!"
Nurtra Mofu looked down at himself and then back at Kuishinbo. "Touche."
"Look! We need to find a way to get Homer and Marge back together somehow! Any ideas?"
Nurtra Mofu thought for a moment. "Well, Marge had told me the story of how she and Homer once met. "Perhaps if we were to recreate those same circumstances, it would cause our masters to remember why they fell in love in the first place."
Kuishinbo brightened. "That's a splendid idea! What will we need?"
"Hmmm..We'll need balloons, a corsage, a place for a lot of people to slow dance, someone to sing a song about the sudden appearance of birds and someone else to play the role of a deranged pervert."
Kuishinbo stared at Nurtra Mofu blankly.
"...We may need some help for this."
Homer was in the kitchen, fixing himself a sandwich with pretty much everything he could find in the Kuchiki Mansion kitchen. Kuishinbo walked in and asked, "What are you doing Homer?"
"Distracting myself from my feelings with food." Homer grumbled as he spread butter onto a slice of bread. "What do you want?"
"Well...Me and the other Zanpakuto have a surprise for you at the Squad 8 barracks. But first, you'll need to put these on." Kuishinbo presented Homer with a blue tux and a brown wig.
"What the?" Homer was dumbstruck. "I get the wig but why do I need the monkey suit for? What kind of surprise is this?"
"Well..." Kuishinbo began to sweat. "It's...a reward! That's it! A reward ceremony!"
"For what?" Homer's eyes narrowed and Kuishinbo felt the sweat on her body multiply.
"Um..It's...Soul Society's First Annual Award for...for...O-Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence!" She produced a huge but forced smile as she said this, hoping that her master would buy it.
Homer continued to glare at Kuishinbo for a few seconds before smiling. "Wow. Imagine that. Homer Simpson, two-time winner of the Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence!"
Kuishinbo sighed in relief. "That's right Homer...Wait!? Two-time winner?"
"You know, I love celebrating the holidays of different cultures as much as the next person but somehow I just can't buy into this "Shinigami's Independence Day." Marge spoke.
"Oh believe me! It's a very real holiday!" Nurtra Mofu assured her. "They're just not too keen on sharing it with outsiders on account of all the slaughtered Quincy."
"Also, I don't mean to be ungrateful, but don't they have any nicer dresses?" As Marge said this, she was looking down at the pink dress her Zanpakuto had given her. For some strange reason, it reminded her of her prom dress.
"Oh Marge! There's not a single dress in all of Soul Society that's prettier than that one!" Nurtra Mofu said. "It's pretty! It's pink and should one of the straps be ripped by say an overzealous partner, it can be easily fixed with a corsage!"
Marge murmured. "That's...strangely specific." Marge was just about to remember where she had seen such a thing before when a heavy knock on the door stole her attention.
"Oh...it looks like your date is here!" Nurtra opened the door and the younger half of Shunsui's Zanpakuto, Kyokotsu, was standing at the door with a flower in her hand.
"Date!? Marge was more confused than ever. "I'm married! And straight! And I'm pretty sure she's a teenager."
"Date? Did I say date?" Nurtra Mofu sweatdropped. "What I meant to say was, completely platonic dance partner!"
"O...k?" Marge groaned as Kyokotsu approached her and placed the flower in her hair. This seemed to brighten Marge's spirits a little. "Why thank you! It's very lovely."
Kyokotsu nodded in response.
"Yes, it's quite lovely indeed." Nurtra grabbed Kyokotsu by the arm and pulled her aside. "Excuse us for a moment." They both ran outside and once Nurtra was sure they were out of Marge's earshot, he angrily whispered. "Why are you here? Where's Gegetsuburi?"
If Kyokotsu was the kind of Zanpakuto to talk, she most likely would have told Nurtra Mofu that Gegetsuburi refused to play the role of the perverted Artie Ziff for the plan, resulting in Kyokotsu beating him up, throwing him in a ditch and coming here in his place. Then again, maybe she wouldn't.
Once Homer was fully dressed in the getup that Kuishinbo had gotten him, the two made their way to the Squad 8 barracks, more specifically, the flower garden within the Squad 8 barracks. Homer was amazed to see all the other Zanpakuto there as well, some of which, to his confusion, were slow dancing with each other.
"Ow! Quit stepping on my tail!" Haineko yowled. "That's part of my actual body you know!"
"I'm sorry." Hyorinmaru apologized. "Master Hitsugaya says I have two left feet."
"Come on, you know you wanna dance with a hot piece like me!" Suzumebachi flirted with Wabisuke.
"...H-How is that supposed to work?"
"Funny." Homer mused. "I don't remember dancing being part of the award ceremony last time."
Kuishinbo started sweating again. "Ummm...it's custom in Soul Society to dance before any award is given! I-It's to tire people out so that they're less antsy when the ceremony starts."
"Wow! Those Shinigami guys really think of everything." Homer awed.
"I can't believe I'm thinking this but thank goodness my Master's a moron!" Kuishinbo shook those thoughts away and presented Homer with a corsage. "Here, you'll need this!"
"A corsage?" Homer asked as Kuishinbo placed the fake flower into his hands. "What do I need a corsage for?"
"So you can give it to a beautiful woman!" Kuishinbo shouted. She happened to glance at the far side of the garden and noticed Marge walking in with Nurtra Mofu and Kyokotsu at her side. "In fact, I think I see one right now!" She pointed toward Marge.
"Marge?" Homer slowly walked up to the approaching group.
"Homer?" Marge murmured.
"Well, I'm sure your husband and you will want some time alone." Nurtra Mofu let out a fake yawn. "We'll just get out of your hair. Come Kyokotsu!" The violet-haired Zanpakuto nodded and followed Nurtra Mofu to the snack table, leaving Homer and Marge alone. Noticing this, Kuishinbo looked around for Katen and gave her the signal to perform her part of the plan. The older half of Shunsui's Zanpakuto, who happened to be standing in front of a microphone that Kuishinbo made, cleared her throat and began to sing.
"Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?" Her vocals were accompanied by Hozukimaru on the guitar and Ruri'iro Kujaku on the drums, both instruments made by Kuishinbo as well. Unfortunately, as neither of the Squad 11 Zanpakuto knew how to play their instruments nor were given any time to practice, the horrific sound they created physically hurt the ears of everyone within the vicinity. Katen's actually beautiful singing voice was completely drowned out by the "music" those two made.
"Dear God! My ears!" Homer cried.
"Someone please stop this madness!" Marge begged.
Nurtra Mofu couldn't hear what his Master was saying but correctly guessed that she wanted a reprieve from the awful sounds she was being subjected to. To that end, he planted his trident into the ground and focused his power on the guitar and drums, causing them both to vanish.
"Hey! I was about to get to the best part of the solo!" Hozukimaru complained.
"Watch where you point that power, you mismatched oaf!" Ruri'iro Kujaku shouted. "You could have killed me!"
"I'm sorry but your horrible playing almost killed my master." Nurtra Mofu stated bluntly.
"What the hell is going on?" Homer demanded before pointing his finger at Marge. "Was this some sort of setup to kill me so you could run off with Nurtra Mofu?"
Marge gasped at the accusation her husband had made. Her surprised expression quickly gave way to an angry one. "Leave it to you to come up with the most idiotic theory for everything!"
"This is bad!" Nurtra Mofu whispered to Kuishinbo. "They're fighting worse than ever!"
"Don't worry!" Kuishinbo replied. "This is all part of the plan." She shouted "Now!" to Kyokotsu who ran up to Marge and ripped off the left strap of her dress., causing her to let out a surprised yelp. Kuishinbo then turned to Homer and said, "Homer, give her the corsage!"
"What?" Homer looked down at the corsage still in his hands and then back to Kuishinbo, his eyes once again narrowed. "Wait a minute, is this whole thing some sort of scheme to get me and Marge back together?"
Kuishinbo and Nurtra Mofu both started sweating bullets. "Noooo..." They droned as they placed their hands behind their backs and averted their gazes from their Masters.
"It is, isn't it!" Homer shouted. "You liar! You told me I had won the Soul Society Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence...again!
"Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence?" Haineko asked.
"Again?" Suzumebachi followed with.
"Well Nurtra Mofu told me that we were celebrating Shinigami Independence Day!" Marge added.
"Shinigami Independence Day?" Hyorinmaru asked.
"That's not until next month!" Senbonzakura replied.
"What's really going on here!?" Marge demanded.
Nurtra Mofu sighed and walked up to his Master. "It's as Homer as guessed. This was all a rouse to get you two to reconcile. We just couldn't bear to see you two fight anymore, especially on our account."
"We're sorry," Kuishinbo muttered as she and Nurtra both bowed their heads
"You went through all this...for us?" Homer and Marge looked into each other's eyes. The memories of that fateful prom night flooded through both of their minds and had a giant cero blast not nearly killed Homer at that exact moment, they most likely would have reconciled right then and there. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened and Homer screamed as the red light of death grazed his backside with the pain of a thousand suns. "Owww! My ass! What the hell was that!?"
"Dear Soul King!" Senbonzakura uttered as he pointed up to the sky. "It's a Menos Grande!"
"A what?" Homer and Marge felt a shadow fall over them and slowly forced themselves to look up. Looming over them was a giant masked monster with a long nose and sunken eyes. It opened its mouth and let out a hellish shriek. "Sweet merciful crap!" Homer shouted. "What the hell is that thing?"
"A Menos Grande!" Suzumebachi explained. "They're a higher level of Hollow that can only be defeated by Captain-level Shinigami!"
"That's a Hollow!?" Homer screamed. "That's the kind of thing we have to fight when we die?"
Marge looked back up at the Hollow. "Suddenly your powers don't seem that overkill anymore."
"Don't worry honey." Homer brought his wife closer to him. "At least it's just one Mentos Grande right?"
Then, as if just to mock Homer, a second Menos Grande appeared behind the first, then a third, and a fourth. Before long, the entire area was swarming with Menos Grande.
"D'oh!"
"Attention everyone!" Mayuri's voice spoke inside everyone's heads. "The Seireitei has been invaded by an army of Menos Grande. Even now as we speak, the Menos are attacking each and every one of the barracks.
"But how is this possible?" Hyorimaru asked. "The Seireiheki exist to prevent situations like this!"
"Seireiheki?" Marge asked.
"The giant invisible wall that surrounds the Seireitei and keeps intruders out!" Katen explained.
"Oooohhh!" Marge looked down to the ground, her face screwed up in a guilty expression.
"Why are you making that face?" Katen asked. "Do you know something?"
"I...might have erased it so that a flock of birds wouldn't crash into it and die." Nurtra Mofu admitted. "I just thought it was some sort of Kido left behind by a lazy Soul Reaper after their training."
"You idiot!" The Zanpakuto shouted.
"But that still doesn't explain why there are so many Menos attacking at once." Tobiume pondered. "Even by Hollow standards, this is a bit much."
"Well...Mayuri spoke. "I suppose that's my fault. You see, the reason the Menos are gathered here in such a massive wave is because of the residue of Muramasa's essence."
"Why would Muramasa's essence attract Hollows?" Katen asked. "Is it because he was part Hollow when he died?"
"Of course not." Mayuri defended. "It's because I made his essence Hollow bait flavored."
A loud groan of disapproval rang from the Zanpakuto. "Why would you do something like that?" Sode no Shirayuki asked angrily.
"Shut up! That's why!" Mayuri snapped. "In any case, the Head Captain has already issued the order for all Zanpakuto to join their masters in combat so if you're not with your Shinigami, you better get running!"
At once, the Zanpakuto began to disperse, leaving Homer, Marge, and their Zanpakuto behind. Even Katen and Kyokotsu left for their master was on the other side of the barracks.
"Hey!" Homer shouted. "Come back! We don't know how to fight!"
"Hmmmm." Marge turned to her Zanpakuto. "Nurtra Mofu, can't you just erase all these Menos...whatevers?"
Nurtra shook his head sadly. "My power cannot work on sentient beings."
"Funny." Kuishino spoke. "Neither can my power."
"Oh yeah?" The two Zanpakuto looked at each other, each smiling coyly at the other before Marge broke it off with a loud "ahem!"
"S-Sorry." Both Zanpakuto sheepishly apologized.
"It doesn't matter!" Homer declared. "We have no choice if we wanna get out of this alive!" Homer placed the corsage in his pocket. "Kuishinbo, let's kick some Hollow butt!"
Kuishinbo was surprised by her master's sudden bravery but pleased all the same. "Very well." She jumped to Homer's side and took a battle stance.
"Master Margerie, I believe your husband is right." Nurtra Mofu spoke up. "If we wish to live to see tomorrow, we must fight!"
Marge murmured once again but followed it up with a sigh. "I guess you're right." A look of determination overcame her face. "Let's kick these oogie-boogies to the curb!"
"Alright!" Nurtra Mofu took a battle stance as well just as a group of Menos Grande surrounded them. Homer and Marge were both scared of course, not knowing for sure if they would get out of this one. Once they glanced into each other's eyes, however, they found within each other the determination to at least try. And with that determination in their hearts, they shouted their Zanpakuto's release commands
"Devour, Kunishinbo!"
"Tidy Up, Nurtra Mofu
"Right!" Both Zanpakuto cried as they rushed toward the Menos Grande in front of them. The Menos charging toward Kunishinbo took the offensive and fired their dark red Ceros at her. The blonde Zanpakuto dodged the blast with ease by jumping several feet into the air, high enough to fly over the heads of the enemy. With a wave of her scythe, she materialized a giant boat over the Menos's heads, smiling as it crushed them underneath its incredible weight.
Behind her, Nurtra Mofu charged toward his own wall of foes as they fired their own Cero blast at him. "Not a chance!" Nurtra shouted as he planted his trident into the ground. The Cero blast vanished just short of reaching the trident. Once it was all gone, Nurtra Mofu lifted up his head and proclaimed, "Be gone from my sight!" before willing the ground to vanish beneath the Meno's feet. The giant Hollows roared as they fell into the resulting crater.
"Holy crap!" Homer beamed. "This is pretty badass!"
"I can't lie," Marge chirped. "This is kinda fun. Maybe spending the afterlife as a Shinigami won't be so bad."
Homer suddenly grabbed Marge's hands and turned her towards him. "And the best part is that I'll be able to spend that entire afterlife fighting monsters...with you."
"Homie." Homer took the corsage out of his pocket and fixed up Marge's ruined strap.
"Marge Pour Vous. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Kuishinbo before."
"And I'm sorry I tried to make you jealous with Nurtra Mofu." Homer and Marge sank into a deep kiss. As with before, however, their tender moment was interrupted, this time by the pained screams of Kuishinbo. The couple looked up to see the blonde Zanpakuto spirit still up in the sky, a Cero blast separating her from her scythe-wielding arm. The Menos that fired it had been hiding behind its now crushed comrades, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
"Kuishinbo!" Homer cried.
"Dammit! I can't believe I was so careless." Kuishinbo cursed to herself as she fell. The Menos watched her fall and prepared to fire another Cero.
"Noo!" Leaving his trident behind, Nurtra Mofu rushed toward Kuishinbo and caught her in his arms before she hit the ground. Unfortunately, there was no time for him to jump out of the Cero's path and so he was forced to shield Kuishinbo with his body, his back taking the brunt of the force.
"Nurtra Mofu!" Marge cried.
"Gah!" Nurtra Mofu fell over his fellow Zanpakuto, blood flowing from all over his almost destroyed back. "I'm sorry Master Margerie but it looks like this is the end." The Menos responsible for the Zanpakuto's pain let out a roar of triumph as it and its brethren surrounded the Simpsons.
"Oh Homie!" Marge whimpered. "I fear this is the end!"
"It'll be alright Marge." Homer reassured his wife. "I'll sacrifice myself while you make an escape. I've got so much meat and soul juice in me that you'll have plenty of time to get away!"
"Homer." Marge gasped. The Menos closed off any exits that Marge might have taken and loomed over the couple. Realizing that it really was the end, Homer and Marge held each close, each mentally praying that they'd be the first one eaten so they wouldn't have to watch their beloved die.
At that moment, two familiar voices filled the air.
"Punish them, Seinaru Akuma!" Bart's voice called out.
"Grant them salvation, Jaakuna Tenshi!" Lisa's voice followed.
From the sky emerged two winged beings. One resembled a demon with a purple ram's skull for a head and jet-black dragon wings emerging from the back of his leather jacket. In his hands, he wielded a giant black pitchfork. The being to his left resembled an angel with her glorious eagle wings and beautiful white dress with gold trimming. Her face was concealed by a mask with the same color scheme and her lovely white hair shone in the sunlight. In her hands, she held a giant harp.
The Menos turned their attention to the new arrivals and prepared their Ceros.
"You take the ones on the left, I'll take the ones on the right." The angelic entity suggested.
"Very well but I'm only going along with this plan because I want to!" The demonic entity retorted. He held out his pitchfork and readied himself for battle. Seeing this, the angelic entity nodded and played a single note on her harp, causing her entire body to glow. The light was so intense that it blinded the Menos underneath, forcing them to stop their attack. Homer and Marge were also blinded by the light, putting their hands over their heads and crouching down to the ground.
"It's like a miniature Sun!" Homer cried. "I think I'm blind!"
"Just don't look Homie!"
The intense light formed shadows underneath the ring of Menos and the demonic entity flew down toward the ground, aiming his pitchfork toward his own shadow. "This is what you get for being such trashy house guest!" He roared as he stabbed his pitchfork into his own shadow. The weapon vanished within the inky blackness and a few seconds later, giant versions of the pitchfork rose out of the Menos's shadows and impaled them with extreme prejudice. The monsters writhed and squirmed on the prongs of the giant weapons before vanishing.
"Hey!" The angelic entity shouted. "I said I'd take the ones on the right!"
"Sorry. I got carried away." The tone in the demonic entity's voice suggested otherwise.
The angelic entity groaned as she noticed another group of Menos heading towards them. "Whatever, I've found my prey." She turned to them and played two more notes on her harp, causing the light around her to first intensify and then rush toward the Menos. "Repent for your sins against all that is good and just!" She cried out as the light disintegrated the Menos into nothing.
"Holy Moly!" Marge cried out as she and Homer were able to see around themselves again. "The Menos are all gone."
"And it's all thanks to the winged freaks that came to our rescue!" Homer gleefully cried as the two winged beings landed in front of him. "Thank you freaks!"
"We're not freaks!" The ram-headed being shouted. "We're Zanpakuto!"
"Zanpakuto!?" Marge gasped. "But who's?"
"Hi Mom! Hi Dad!" Bart and Lisa greeted in unison as they ran up to the group. "I've seen you've met our new badass Zanpakuto."
"But how did you get them?" Marge's eyes narrowed. "Did you kids go see Captain Kurotsuchi after I specifically said not to?"
"Oh come on Marge!" Homer placed a hand on his wife's shoulder. "So they went behind your back! So what? Our kids saved us!"
"I guess your right." Marge smiled as she looked back at her children's Zanpakuto. "They are pretty impressive Zanpakuto after all."
"You know it!" Bart motioned to the ram-headed entity by his side. "This is Seinaru Akuma and he-Mmmmpf!" To Homer and Marge's shock, Seinaru Akuma took a napkin out of his pocket and started wiping Bart's face. "You just don't know how to keep that face of yours clean, do you Mister?"
Bart slapped his Zanpakuto's hands away. "Hey man! How many times have I told you to stop doing that!? You're supposed to be a total badass!"
"And how many times have I told you not to say ass!?" Seinaru scolded with a wagging finger. "It's a bad word!"
Bart groaned in anger, causing everyone to laugh at his expense, including Lisa.
"Lisa," Jaakuna Tenshi spoke. "A proper lady does not laugh at another's misfortune."
"I-I'm sorry Jaakuna." Lisa wiped a tear from her eye. "It's just funny that Bart got a Zanpakuto spirit with an opposite personality of him. It reminds me of this book I read-
"Aww! Again with the books!" Jaakuna Tenshi interrupted. "When are you going to put down the books and start looking for a man?"
"We've been over this!" Lisa growled. "I am a feminist and I don't need a man right now!"
"Sure you do." Jaakuna Tenshi argued. "Maybe if you had a boyfriend, you wouldn't be such a nerd."
"Hey!" Lisa whined as Bart laughed.
"Bart! It's not nice for boys to laugh at people either!" Seinaru Akuma scolded.
"Eat my shorts!"
"I most certainly will not! They've been touching your posterior!"
The numerous roars of the remaining Menos caught everyone's attention and brought it towards the front entrance from which the giant long-nosed monsters were approaching.
"Looks like we missed a spot." Jaakuna Tenshi readied her harp.
"I will take care of this." Seinaru Akuma proclaimed.
"Wait!" Lisa shouted. "Look! In front of the Meno's feet!"
Everyone gasped in horror as Maggie crawled in front of the marching monsters, a tiny knife-like object in her hand.
"Oh my god!" Marge cried. "It's Maggie!"
"And she's got a knife!" Homer screamed.
"Maggie! No!" Lisa cried out. "It's too dangerous for you!"
Maggie was much too small for the Menos to notice and so they simply pressed forward with their march, only a mere two steps from crushing the baby underfoot. Maggie sat up right, held up her knife and sucked on her pacifier twice. At once, the kife began to glow with an eerie green light that shot out from the weapon and up over the Meno's heads. From this light formed a strange doll-like entity resembling a cross between a Buddha statue and a tikki totem.
"I-Is that Maggie's Zanpakuto?" Marge asked. "It's a little creepy to be honest."
"Let's just hope it has some secret super awesome power to take out those monsters with." Homer replied. "Otherwise, our baby is doomed!"
Maggie sucked on her pacifier once and the strange being began to glow once again. This time, the glow encompassed all of the Menos underneath it as well and after a few seconds, they simply vanished. Maggie's unnamed Zanpakuto floated back toward its master and disappeared back into the knife which Maggie then stuck through her onesie.
Marge wasted no time running up to her youngest child and scooping her up in her arms. "Oh Maggie! My sweet little angel! You saved us all!" Marge covered Maggie in kisses, earning giggles from the happy infant.
"Where do you think those Menos where sent?" Lisa asked.
"Hell if I know." Bart replied.
"Man, it's so boring around here." Luffy whined as he sat on the head of the Thousand Sunny. "I sure wish some Sea Kings would show up, just to liven things up."
"Only you would ask for something awful like that." Usopp complained. He was sitting besides Luffy. "I for one like how peaceful it's been today and I hope it stays that way all day lo-
The sound of something nearly as big as the ship caught their attention. The waves it caused rocked the Thousand Sunny, nearly sending Usopp over the edge. "What was that?" He cried.
As if to answer him, a bunch of swordfish-like monsters suddenly rose up from the water and roared in the direction of the ship.
"Alright!" Luffy cried happily with stars in his eyes. "Sea Kings! We gotta get Sanji to cook them up for us!"
Usopp simply broke down into tears as he saw the "Sea Kings." open their mouths and shoot a blast of dark red energy at the ship. "Me and my big mouth!"
"You did it." Nurtra Mofu said as he approached the group, Kuishinbo's remaining arm slumped over his bloody shoulders. "You managed to defeat them."
"We sure did." Kaakuna Tenshi proudly affirmed. "Although you two helped warm things us for us.
"Kuishinbo!" Homer ran up to his Zanpakuto. "Are you ok?"
Kuishinbo feebly looked up to her master and smiled. "Do not fear Homer. As long as a Zanpakuto is in Shikai, any damage done to it will be repaired."
"So...your arm will grow back right?" Homer asked hopefully.
Kuishinbo nodded. "Yes it will." As she said this, she and the other Zanpakuto began to glow.
"What the!?" Homer exclaimed. "What's going on now?"
"It looks like time is up for our Zanpakuto friends." All eyes fell on Shunsui and his Zanpakuto as they rushed toward the group. Katen and Kyokotsu were glowing as well.
"You mean it's been a week already?" Marge asked sadly.
"No fair!" Bart whined. "We just got our Zanpakuto!"
Seinaru gently placed his hand on Bart's head. "Fear not Bart! We may be losing our physical forms but we are not leaving you."
"That's right." Kaakuna Tenshi agreed. "We are simply returning to the Inner Worlds where we first met. And there we shall be waiting patiently for the day when you come to Soul Society for good and we can fight alongside each other once again." She turned to Lisa. "Do try to have a man by the time that day comes, won't you Lisa?"
"What is it with you and me getting a man!?" Lisa groaned. "I'm still in grade school!"
"And Bart," Seinaru Akuma spoke. "Please try and behave yourself while I'm away."
"I will not." Bart solemnly promised.
"Goodbye Nurtra Mofu." Marge said. "Sorry about bringing you into my martial problems."
"It's quite alright." Nurtra Mofu replied. "I look forward to seeing you again." He turned to Kuishinbo. "Maybe we can get to know each other better when that day comes." He suggested in a flirtatious voice.
Kuishinbo blushed in response to Nurtra Mofu's words but quickly recomposed herself. "I think I'd like that very much." She cooed.
"Uh oh." Marge whispered to Homer. "I think I hear wedding bells!"
"Oh great!" Homer moaned. "Now we have to buy a wedding gift."
"So long you two." Shunsui bid farewell to his Zanpakuto. "I'll see you the next time I go into Bankai."
"So long Shunsui." Katen replied. "Thank you for all the sake." With a final nod from Kyokotsu, the Zanpakuto vanished in a blast of light. Katen and Kyokotsu's light returned to Shunusi's swords while the Simpson's Zanpakuto's disappeared completely. Even Maggie's knife vanished, causing her to whimper.
"Don't worry sweetie!" Homer took Maggie from Marge's arms. "When we get home, I'll buy you all the knives you want. Yes I will! Yes I will!" He tickled Maggie's tummy as he said this, causing her to giggle even more.
"Sorry about my late arrival." Shunsui apologized. "I needed to make sure my Squad was alright before heading out. Although from the look of things, it seems you folks managed to take care of the Menos yourselves."
"You know it!" Bart laughed. "It was so awesome! My guy made like a billion blades come out from the shadows and impale the monsters and the monsters were all "Balllrggh! Help me! I'm dying because I'm such a stupid moron who dared to oppose the great Bart!"
"I can't believe I'm saying this." Marge spoke. "But I'm kinda looking forward to living in the Soul Society after I die!"
"You know it!" Homer shouted. "This is the best afterlife ever!"
Shunsui laughed. "Well I'm glad to hear it! That means you won't mind helping to clean this place up!"
"Huh!?" The Simpsons asked in unison.
"Well the Menos did create quite a mess before we managed to destroy them and we can use all the help we can get."
"It was at this moment that Homer, blind to it during the heat of battle, finally noticed the destruction and debris surrounding him and his family. Realizing that he really was going to have to pitch in this time, all he could think to utter was "D'oh!"
From the hole that still remained in the darkened room of the Squad 11 barracks, Zaraki Kenpachi poked his head out. "Hey, what'd I miss?" He asked no one in particular.
(Alright so that's it for Kuishinbo's saga. Surprised to see me this month? So am I but I managed to finish all three little projects that I have planned for Halloween, two of which are for this site. You can guess what one of them is by checking my profile but the other one, well let's just say it's a Simpson fanfic. We're nearing the end of this story folks and the next two-parter is going to be more feelsy than funny so be prepared for that. Until then, Chibi out!)
