AN: Just because Rory had the impression of their relationship that they were having just fun, didn't mean there weren't feelings involved. She'd just believed it was how Logan had seen it. It was perhaps something she needed to tell herself.
Chapter 22
October 11th, 2022, Cambridge, MA
The noise from a passing bus interrupted Rory as she was almost done telling Otis about what had happened on Sunday. They were sitting at the Cambridge Common, not too far from where she'd had lunch with Logan roughly a week ago.
"So… I just don't understand why he told me all of this. Why did he tell me all of this and do it now?" Rory discussed.
"Did you ask him? Did he give you a reason?" Otis asked in return, having met Rory for a quick talk just after her work before she took the train back to pick up Em. She had needed to talk to someone, just not Logan.
Otis wasn't a therapist, but throughout the years he'd outlived the relationship Rory had had with her actual therapist. Therapist couldn't really give their opinions, all they could do was ask questions and let people figure out things for themselves, but as Otis had no such ethical dilemmas - he was a friend too - talking to him actually seemed to put things in perspective for Rory more often than not. He had replaced a lot of people for her in that sense.
"He said he owed me this information, that maybe it was something that I'd felt bad about… which sure, in part, is true but him saying those things didn't erase them or do anything about what I felt then anyway… So what's the point?" Rory discussed, speaking with her hands.
"Maybe he thinks you didn't know he loved you back then," Otis said with a light shrug.
"I am not even convinced he meant it like 'love' love… there's a part of me that will always love him too… but I'm not sure it's the same thing as… He cared about me, that I believe… but that he would actually tell me, guilt me basically, that he did it for my sake - I don't get it!" Rory exclaimed.
"I don't know him as well as you do obviously, but from a guy's perspective, I am fairly certain most guys don't overuse the phrase 'love' that easily," Otis pointed out.
"But….," Rory began to argue, but didn't really know what to say. Logan certainly had never used the word lightly before.
"Why is it so hard for you to accept that he might have indeed loved you? He has before - so why couldn't he have loved you then?" Otis continued.
"Because he never said anything…," Rory said. "He just went along with it… he appeared so carefree about all of it..," she added, trying to think back to their interactions. It had all been so effortless, so comfortable. Sure, it had always been more than just sex too - it had been support, little comforting kisses on her temple as they just hung out on his couch - when they were together, they had really felt like they were together despite not actually defining themselves.
"But so did you, right? You had 'Vegas' as you've referred to it before?" Otis replied, it had been years since Rory had needed to talk about those times.
"Yes, because I wasn't disillusioned I could have something more with him," Rory explained.
"Why not?" Otis asked.
"Beyond his lifestyle, his family… the fact that he lived half-way across the world? I guess… I really didn't think I had any right to after turning him down at my graduation. I mean… I ruined us in the first place. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to pick up my life and move for him even five years ago if that had been a valid option. I couldn't just show up and suddenly, after realizing my career took me nowhere that I want to be involved with him," Rory said, not even daring to utter the thought 'marry him'.
"So essentially you didn't think you deserved him? Could it even be that you didn't think you deserved that kind of stability, regardless of who the person was? Did you believe you deserved love?" Otis discussed.
It wouldn't have been the first time the latter had come up. While Otis was nowhere near as pushy as Rory recalled Terrance being to Paris, saying how she wasn't putting herself out there, they too had talked about why Rory kept the guys she on occasion went out with at arm's length.
Rory shrugged, not really having a concrete answer.
"So the question is… whether despite not believing you deserve or deserved… any of it, did you indeed love him? Or even if you didn't - in the classical sense. Maybe he now deserves the same honestly from you," Otis suggested.
October 14th, 2022, Boston
Beyond Logan dropping off Em after practice on Wednesday, then too half-by accident it had been Christopher who had ended up handling the exchange while she'd just happened to be in the shower right then, Rory hadn't really heard anything from Logan.
She loved the fact that concerning Em, he truly seemed to be dependable, even if she knew that once things became a little less convenient other types of situations might prevail too. And she also appreciated he was giving her her space by not inquiring into when he could again do something with Em - that she liked to think he even could've, but she understood my he might not dare to ask right this minute, with her still processing everything.
Those last few months with Logan, back in 2016… had indeed been emotion-filled. There had been a lot going the wrong way with her work, and she'd needed to lean on him for moral support more than she felt she'd ever needed before. She had been a mess - there had been a lot of things she hadn't admitted to herself. But she couldn't deny that things Logan had done, or hadn't done - had hurt.
Did this mean that she'd loved him? She couldn't be sure.
She had been good at disguising what she felt - and there was no doubt that cutting ties with Logan, little did she know that not too permanently, had hurt. But that had included more than just an end to an affair, a relationship of some type - it had also meant giving up a part of her support system, a friend.
God, that goodbye had hurt.
She'd pushed through that on sheer determination to get the first chapters of her book out, the pain almost forcing her to put those words in order, needing to replace with some type of an accomplishment.
That night, after Rory had shared a family meal with her father and Em, Christopher having made lasagne, Rory put Em to bed and returned downstairs to watch 'The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina' she was feeling anxious, not quite being able to place its cause on anything specific.
Her mind kept pondering what Logan might be thinking about her reaction - her withdrawal essentially. Was she hurting him by delaying this yet again? She certainly didn't want to do that.
In fact she was seeing Logan more and more as the other victim here. Maybe that had been what he'd aimed at doing?
Mostly she just felt like waiting to face this was actually just delaying her pain, so as a spur of the moment decision, she picked herself up from the couch, wrapped herself in her puffy winter coat - not that it was yet quite that cold - and slipped out of the house into the evening chill.
Logan was just putting the dishes he'd used for his late dinner - fried salmon and cauliflower rice with a wakame based salad, when his intercom buzzed.
He wasn't expecting anyone - no delivery, nor the maid that came over once a week.
The camera function answered the mystery for him.
But the minute it took for the visitor to arrive behind his door, was surprisingly nerve wrecking. Was this a good thing or a bad thing? Anything was better than silence, certainly, right?
Logan looked around his apartment, its one wall currently lined with boxes he'd just had shipped over, feeling surprisingly self-conscious. What did this place say about him?
As seconds ticked away, Logan was finding himself increasingly hopeful, but kept cautioning himself to not get his hopes up… it was not like she was going to fall all over him. At best she just wanted to talk about how to continue from this point onward. Honestly, what he really wanted now was just a fresh beginning. He wished he could erase every stupid thing they'd done, every untold thing, every misconception… erase the hurt, erase everything but the little girl they'd created.
"Hey…," Rory said as she reached his apartment.
Strangely, in this moment Logan'd throat felt dry and what came out was a rather broken-toned response, greeting her, causing him to clear his voice.
He closed his door behind her.
"I hope this is okay..," Rory said. "I just… It's a selfish reason, but I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to sleep anyways with this on my mind," Rory confessed.
"Can I offer you anything?" Logan asked, seeing Rory a little out of breath.
"Water?" Rory requested, humbly.
Logan walked over to what looked like a brand new kitchen - dark navy cabinets with white marble countertops, and poured her a glass of water.
"Thanks," Rory said, loving how the glass felt safe somehow - to have something to hold as they stood there awkwardly. She took a sip.
"I never meant to throw you off like that, but once I opened my mouth… just everything came flooding out," Logan said, apologetically, running his palm over his neck. He hadn't planned on saying everything he had - some of it he was outright embarrassed about.
"Sometimes just things need to come out," Rory shrugged.
"All I want is for us to… just take things from a fresh perspective, without old hurt feelings. As much as that is possible. I don't want any lingering resentment or confusion about what was..," Logan said.
"Well.. in that case I do believe it's my turn to say my piece," Rory sighed.
Logan nodded, having hoped she would.
"Um… I guess I don't need to tell you how much I was in a bad place back then. You saw it… And I think I was really telling myself all sorts of things that weren't necessarily true - about my work, what I deserved, what I felt…," Rory began to explain. "But honestly, thinking back… I don't think I can tell you for certain if what I felt was the same - I felt - I cared, I hurt... It might have been love, but honestly I just don't know what that was. Was it just dependency, comfort, addiction - a mixture?" Rory shrugged.
Logan couldn't deny that it stung a little.
"I just don't know…, and I don't think I can go back to that exact state of mind and find out either no matter how much I think about it," Rory continued, not knowing how to explain it any better. She didn't want to hurt him but just as Otis had said - she owed her honesty. And that did feel refreshing - like lightening.
"Can just tell me why you never asked me for more? Was it my family? Where I lived? Me - that you really did think I was just this cheater?" Logan asked.
"Logan…," Rory chimed, the last one really stinging. She'd felt the same about herself, and especially now after they'd already talked a little, felt unnecessary. "I'm sorry… if that was how you felt. But I don't think it had anything to do with you, but everything to do with me. I didn't think I deserved you… not after everything. I was so uncertain of who I was, I don't think I would've been able to commit to any scenario and everything I was doing was just keeping me afloat. And that i can say for certain - you were a very big part of what kept me afloat," Rory explained, looking up already, not wanting to start crying again.
Logan nodded. Honestly, he just wanted to comfort her - hold her, but remained cautious.
"You have no idea how glad I am that you're better… I'm not just saying that," Logan assured.
"And I think you will too," Rory decided to say, seeing that he too was still hurting.
"I hope so," Logan confessed.
It was then Rory noticed the absence of the wedding ring on his finger. Clearly something in him had shifted. She didn't say anything, but it certainly meant something.
"So can we just start fresh?" Logan asked. He wasn't asking if they would start a relationship - but whatever they were or were ever going to be needed to be build on a foundation that was solid.
"To new beginnings," Rory replied, somewhat hesitantly, and raised her water glass before she took a sip of her water as if toasting with it.
The small smile on Logan's lips spoke volumes, and she couldn't deny, she felt a lot better herself, having aired all this out.
