Chapter 25
October 18th, 2022, Cambridge, MA
"Did you finish that reference list?" Giselle asked, having spent the morning along with Rory doing finishing touches on a manuscript that was due from one of the professors working in their department that afternoon.
That was what research assistants did - they helped with filling in the gaps between the actual content part of the manuscript, that came from those with PhD-s, making it fit the formatting standards and if need be looked up references and fact checked everything. Sure, there were other tasks - some more creative than others, but overall it was a good thing Rory actually genuinely liked most of the tasks involved while not really having to feel so much pressure. All she could ever do at her job was her best, and that best was more than enough to do the job well.
"Just finishing up," Rory commented, her eyes glued to the screen in front of her. She was eager to finish too, she had a lunch to get to.
No more than a minute later she was in deed done and sighed from relief, closing the document in front of her.
"Done!" Rory exhaled. "Now what time is it?" she inquired, having not paid any attention to the tiny clock at the corner of her screen until now. But as she now saw, she was already running a little late.
"What, you have another lunch date?" Giselle, who herself was getting married pretty soon to Victor, one of Rory's friends, teased.
Rory had mentioned the couple of times she'd been meeting someone for lunch ever now and again, not particularily saying it was Logan.
Rory rolled her eyes at her. "It's not a date," Rory replied, and tidied her desk up just a little, liking it neat, and continued to shove her wallet and phone into her coat pocket, not bothering to take her purse.
Giselle eyed her meaningfully, clearly not quite buying it.
"I'm just meeting Logan," Rory replied, knowing Giselle would know that name from the birthday. "I promised him I'd tell him about Em growing up, so it wouldn't be so weird to talk about these things in front of her," Rory replied, having briefly told her friend how weird it was having the father of her child show up back in their lives after the birthday while she'd asked for details. She wasn't as close with Giselle as she was with Angie, not by a long shot, but one did talk at work, just keeping things light most of the time. The more people knew about Logan, the more anxious she grew though - feeling like some very important people were still in the dark.
"Uh-uh," Giselle teased in disbelief.
"Giselle..," Rory chimed, shaking her head. Despite the fact having crossed her mind - that these meetings did indeed feel a little like dating him - she didn't want to go there.
"Whatever you need to tell yourself," Giselle replied cheekily. "Oh, and while you're at your non-date or whatever, try to figure out if I can put you down with a plus one for the wedding," she reminded her teasingly.
"Right, sorry about that," Rory replied, knowing she'd been postponing responding to that RSVP for weeks now. It was not a huge wedding, but still one was supposed to bring a date.
"Hey… I am happy to put you down for that extra spot. Bring your baby daddy or don't…," Giselle chaffed.
"Fine, put me down for that plus one," Rory replied, surprising Giselle a little.
"Really?!" she exclaimed.
"But it's not for him…," Rory chimed. "I'll just bring my sister or… someone else, I don't know yet," she added, pulling on her jacket, keeping her mind away from even considering the possibility.
"Fine… not half as much fun, but up to you. It's your life…," Giselle replied, holding up her hands.
Rory frowned at her for a second but made it out of the office swiftly, knowing Logan was probably already waiting. She doubted he remembered quite this well her tendency to run a little late unless it was work-related.
They'd agreed to meet about a block away, sort of meeting halfway between in terms of price. The place had burgers and the crab sandwich Rory really had been after but also a number of healthier options which she kind of assumed Logan would prefer. But mostly she'd picked the place because it was one of those places around campus that would only really get busy at night, hence allowing them to talk in peace.
Having agreed on Sunday to start their lunches again, she'd been already in her head preparing for what to tell him. She'd brought a few photographs with her even, having them already in her coat pocket. Truthfully, she was kind of worrying she might run out of things to say - the toddler years really weren't that eventful, most of the running jokes at the time had been the kind one really needed to witness to appreciate.
"Hey, I'm sorry..," Rory said, as she made it through the misty rain into the restaurant in question, finding Logan already sitting in one of the booths. She skipped the more physical welcome - a half hug at least, that had become her thing over the years, and got right into her seat.
"It's fine..," Logan replied, having a menu and a glass of water in front of him already. He wasn't going to admit that he'd been worried she might not show, despite feeling like Sunday had gone pretty well.
"Just got caught up at work," Rory explained.
"Hey, I know what that's like...," Logan replied understandingly.
"Yeah.. just, I didn't want to keep you waiting," Rory explained, unsure why she felt like she'd need to. Somehow, that line she'd overheard on Sunday about him feeling incredibly lucky to be on friendly terms with her
"What is it that you're working on right now?" Logan decided to ask what he'd been wondering about, not wanting these meetings of theirs just to stick to Em if he could help it. He couldn't just ask her date-like questions or inquire into her dating life, which he would've no doubt wanted to know, even if he already believed to know the headlines, so he stuck to things that would sound casual enough.
"There was just this manuscript on the history of corporate sensitivity language…," Rory said, recalling the exact wording.
Logan chuckled.
Rory raised her eyebrows questioningly.
"Just not what I expected..," Logan replied, having just a couple of hours ago signed off on yet another training on the topic for the company. He might've been in the process of stepping out, but there were still little things, here and there, his signatures were needed for - loose ends to tie up and successors to appoint, the latter not quite being as easy as he'd imagined either.
"What - you figured we'd be giving the old-Shakespear another go?" Rory scoffed, but not actually believing he'd be that naive.
"I was more thinking Veronica Roth or Jennifer Egan, but as far as I remember William had an infinite number of layers to be peeled off as one of the former editors of the YDN used to tell me," Logan replied, referring to the one sitting across from him.
Rory had nearly forgotten how well read he was. And unlike many of the people whom she worked with, all very literate, he actually knew how to keep her on her toes by his wit. God, how she'd missed that - but she'd hated to admit that.
With no effort at all the two fell back into their once-famous literary banter, keeping them entertained while they ordered and recieved their lunches.
"So, I got your other e-mail," Rory said, as she was finishing up her meal, having gotten another response from Logan to her long unresponded e-mails, wanting to steer them back to the topic of their daughter.
"I figured," Logan said, raising his eyebrows. It was obvious, but he did wonder why she'd brought it up. He drank up the last of his water.
The e-mail which Rory had written around the time Em was one and a half, around Christmas 2018, had held several pictures of Em on holiday in Nantucket. Exploring the chilly winter beach, finding it entertaining enough despite the rain to build a few sandcastles with Rory and another cozy one with Em on Rory's lap, both dressed in chunky Christmas sweaters, the glow of a fireplace on their faces. Rory had mentioned in the letter how Em now had most of her teeth, how she was a hell of a runner for her age and how the girl was talking quite a lot by now, even if most of it was very much baby-talk still. Mostly Rory had just shared what Em had gotten for Christmas and which gifts she'd appreciated, keeping things a little cautious in the way of her expression. It had been around that time when she'd begun to build up her guard more, no longer expecting a reply. But she hadn't wanted to stop either, not unless he told her to at least.
Logan had responded with a thought he'd had the first time he'd read it - how he'd truly felt like sending Em a gift, and how much it had stung to think that the gift might not be appreciated and seen as him crossing the line. On top of that he had then struggled to think of a perfect gift for Emma, and then the next minute life had taken over and made him give up on the idea altogether. Not something he'd been proud of.
Logan didn't want Rory to dwell too much on these e-mails, as they all spoke of regret and things unsaid… he wanted to finish replying to them, undo some of the damage the lack of responses done, but he didn't really want them to become this constant source of pain either.
"You know, you can, right? Buy her things, I mean. She doesn't really lack anything, and as long as it isn't alive and fits through the door, you don't need my permission to…," Rory said, feeling like they were a little fuzzy on the ground rules of this.
"Well… that's good to know," Logan said appreciatively.
"But you don't have to… just.., " Rory said, fretting a little.
"Yeah, I know. And you can bet on Honor has already raided Harrolds thinking of Thanksgiving and Christmas," Logan said, not quite understanding her hesitance.
"Please tell her there's no need…," Rory replied.
"I can try but I'm pretty sure it makes no difference. She's always wanted a girl and never had one… and this is close enough, I doubt anything I say will stop her," Logan added.
"Right..," Rory accepted his answer.
"Why do I sense you have something else on your mind?" Logan asked, wiping his mouth clean with a napking and setting the plate aside.
"How could you tell?" Rory asked, awkwardly, snorting a little, thinking - of course he could see right through her.
Logan wanted to say that he knew her, but he wasn't entirely convinced he actually could say that.
"Just tell me..," Logan urged instead.
"Just after we talked about Thanksgiving…. It got me thinking about how my mom and grandma would take the news. And that just brought back a lot…," Rory explained.
Logan was dying to hear that story, but didn't want to poke the hornet's nest. But it seemed he had to wait a while longer.
"And it got me thinking about the legal side of things. How…," she began, picking her words.
"How legally I have no rights?" Logan finished her sentence for her, hating to say it out loud.
Rory nodded. It was obvious to Logan it was hard for her.
"I'm not contesting it, I assured you that in our agreement," Logan said quickly. And he meant it. In this moment he was leaning on her good will, her understanding. He didn't want to have a position in Em's life by force. "It's not that I wouldn't want rights, but the very fact that you are allowing me to be in her life if reason enough not to want to take them away from you," Logan explained. There was a lot more to it - a lot more feeling.
"Logan, but you should have rights. It has all be so unfair to you...," Rory said. "I can't say that I'm not terrified of splitting up the custody, even if not right away… but at the very least your name should be on the birth certificate," Rory explained.
Logan could just feel all the emotions swell up in his chest right then, really not having expected to be feeling so much that day. All he'd dared to hope for was a few new stories about Em's toddler years.
He didn't like her playing the blame game by saying it had been unfair to him and she'd somehow 'won', it hadn't been that simple. But he couldn't really disagree either. He wanted his name on that birth certificate, he wanted to be proud to tell everyone Em was rightfully his.
"I guess… I can't really argue with that. It'd be nice..," Logan admitted.
"So let's make it a point to go City Clerk's office, I don't know… next week or something?" Rory suggested, doing her best to sound up-beat about it.
"It's a deal...," Logan agreed, not needing to be asked twice. "But seriously, Rory… I don't want you to worry. I'm not aiming to force any custody issues…," Logan assured, truly fearing that Rory was still expecting him to have his lawyers line up behind him at the sight of their first parenty disagreement.
"And I am not going to keep her from you.., I want you to have the possibility to have time with her, and I need you to know you have the right to decide things. I want you to decide things..," she clarified, the choice of schools having already been something she'd wanted to include him in. It was hard making all the decisions by herself, and while her dad was always around for bounce ideas off of, he wasn't that good at making actual decisions for her. Sherry had been pretty dominant at that once she'd returned to Gigi's life, Christopher having never really had to learn much more than what it took to hire a nanny.
"As I said… I am just glad that I get to be here..," Logan said, knowing that the minute he said anything else, he would have to add an 'as long as', which was drama waiting to happen. I won't contest the custody as long as you allow me to be in her life, as long as you won't move her out of state, as long as you marry someone else - Logan could already think of a number of scenarios that could complicate things real quick. He didn't want things to go there, but could he really assure that they never would? What if they indeed got into a fight?
"But there are all these situations…," Rory began, her mind clearly having been drifting along the same lines already which frankly was a relief.
"Then we'll set aside some time and discuss them. I don't really want to, but I can see how you're scared of that part, and I get it…," Logan discussed. Naturally he would've just prefered if they never needed to have those talks, that somehow they could just mend them and skip all of that, but he knew it might take forever and that it might just be a dream.
"I am glad you are in her life, you know. I really am. Just the way she looks at you… I can just tell how she enjoys your company. But I just… I just keep feeling like I'm just going to lose her. I'm not used to sharing her," Rory explained, having managed to remain calm and composed. Talking to Otis yesterday had helped a little too.
"And I don't want you to feel that," Logan confirmed.
"Yeah," Rory exhale, shaking her shoulders lightly, not really knowing what to do about it. She wasn't eager to have that talk either.
"How about… for the time being, I stick to Wednesday practice and dinner with her because I know you usually work a little later then anyways, but during the weekend why don't we just all do something together? This way maybe you wouldn't feel like you're losing time with her… But of course if you have other things going on, you can just tell me and I can help out," Logan suggested, feeling rather clever in that moment. Maybe this way he'd get more time with her too even if he didn't want the focus to drift too much.
"Maybe that wouldn't be so bad," Rory agreed, feeling indeed like it was a compromise, even if a very temporary one.
"Good," Logan replied.
Rory inhaled deeply. "But eventually we will still have to think of something more… permanent. I know my mom is going to start looking for flaws in this," Rory explained, gesturing between the two, referring to their current arrangement. "She's not exactly very trusting of my judgment these days and..," Rory added.
"And people like me?" Logan finished her sentence for her.
"People of privilege, I guess?" Rory tried to put it as nicely as she knew how.
She knew this was technically nothing new to Logan - she'd complained about her mother's ways to him a number of times. She could just imagine her mother indicating how people with such privilege like the Huntzbergers certainly were, were not to be trusted, and that their sense of privilege also included the right to control relationships, children and people's careers. Lorelai wasn't wrong in general, Rory knew that, but Rory had always known Logan wasn't like that. She still believed that.
"I know it's not something you came to talk to me about, but under the circumstances… I feel I just have to ask…," Logan said, the big question - what had actually happened between mother and daughter - that had been burning on his brain, just slipped out.
