Ch 5: Mending Hearts
Trying to focus after Elizabeth left, was impossible. Nathan stared at the same paper for several minutes—deep in thought about the way a blue-eyed school teacher felt in his arms at last. Had that really happened?
He had dreamed for months about what it might be like to have her lovingly lean into him—while his days were filled with her scorn. Now it seemed his dreams were crashing into reality. He didn't quite know what to do with himself.
This was certainly not the way he would have written it. He had no intention to fall for his brother-in-arms' widow and son, but they were impossible not to love. Nathan had secretly considered Little Jack the son he could never have—choosing to fill the role that Jack no longer could. Loving Little Jack was easy.
His mother, however, was like chasing a rainbow—beautiful, but never any closer to grasp. And like a mist, she would just evaporate over and over again from his eyes.
Was today just another mist? No. There was a change in her, and he saw it in her flour-dusted eyes. She had never been more real than she was in that moment…like she finally saw him—the man that he was.
He hadn't coerced an apology. She freely gave it. Her eyes and her body language were so sincere. Usually, it took all his Mountie training to discern her behavior. Today, she was like an open book to him. No longer puzzling, but complete. Perhaps his insomnia last night wasn't for nothing. His prayers were finally answered.
After months of praying that her heart would turn to him only to be met with silence, he felt convicted instead to pray for peace in her heart and in his own. He felt he should pray that she would conquer her fears, seek truth, and that whatever she was hiding from would resurface so the Lord Himself could heal her.
It was torture watching her self-destruct. Every day her eyes followed him as her feet ran to Lucas. The saloon-owner's smug smile over her shoulder raised feelings in Nathan he usually reserved for the harshest of criminals. This was a crime and he felt it at his core—objectifying a woman like a prize. Manipulating her to fill his own wants and desires.
None of that was present today. Today, the rainbow solidified and his world was full of color. His senses were on overload as she sobbed into his serge-covered shoulder fearlessly pouring out her heart.
Voices near the door brought his thoughts back to the present. I've gotta get out of here or I'll never hear the end of it from Bill. He'll know something is up.
Going home though meant meeting Allie head-on, who was likely getting started on dinner already.
It was wonderful that she wanted to support him in that way. She joked that it was his cooking that led her to take over, but he knew it was her way of loving him.
They had always looked out for each other, even more-so as she grew older and more independent. Mostly, Nathan felt like they were wandering through lessons of parenting together—where he was learning as much as she was. He often wondered if all parents feel like they're learning as they go. With no wife to support him through it, he felt completely alone as the adult in the trial-and-error of raising a child.
Maybe that would change. It was fitting to consider that a storm like last night could bring about such a beautiful rainbow this afternoon in his office. That thought alone split his face into a big grin as he ascended his steps and stepped through his front door.
"Hi Allie! That smells wonderful. What are you making?"
"Hi Uncle Nathan! I'm roasting a chicken and trying a baked beans recipe Mrs. Weise showed me. I think it's done actually." Allie stated as she pulled the chicken from the oven and turned down the heat to a simmer on the stove. She looked up at her uncle proud of her successful meal.
Allie's eyes filled with light as a grin spread across her face. "Uncle Nathan! What happened?! Why are you smiling like that?! Did Newton poop in front of the saloon again?!" Allie asked from across the room with a laugh.
"Allie! Shhhh….not so loud!" Nathan came closer and continued just above a whisper. "For the last time, that was an accident….but I don't know why he keeps doing that…"
"Uncle Bill always gives him an apple after," Allie stated plainly shrugging her shoulders.
"Bill, you dog!" He admonished under his breath. Nathan turned his body away from her and towards the table. He tried to hide his smile from his impressionable teenager, but she definitely caught it. Allie smiled bigger herself. Nathan grabbed a glass and attempted to hide his increasing smile by drinking some water.
Emboldened by his reaction, she shared further, "Yeah…he hid the saloon's shovel in his office last time too…Mr. Bouchard looked everywhere for it and had to clean it up in his suit…..I know I'm not the only one in town that watched from the windows."
Water sprayed everywhere as Nathan pretended to cough as he was losing the battle with laughter. Allie grinned from ear to ear. She knew her uncle too well.
Nathan tried to fake a professional demeanor again, "I mean Newton did time it just before we legitimately had to rush out to the mill….and that second time… I honestly didn't know he did that…I did feel bad though that Lucas stepped in it. Anyway….…no, Newton didn't do that again."
"Uncle Nathaaaan!" Allie laughed, crossing her arms with her signature eye-roll. "I know you and Newton are close and all, but he's not quite that trained."
Nathan smirked to himself. He's a true partner. "You're right..that's not standard equine Mountie training, but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about….Allie, it's about Mrs. Thornton."
Allie's face fell as her eyes squinted into a defensive steel. "What did she do now?"
"Not what you think Allie…it was different today. She apologized to me." Nathan spoke quickly trying to diffuse the situation.
Allie's steely gaze softened to confusion, before returning to a cautious glare. "Are you sure Uncle Nathan? Was it a real apology or did she just need something?" Allie asked a bit sarcastically obviously laced with hurt.
"Allie, be careful. We can't assume what is in someone's heart. Mrs. Thornton has been hurt a long time." Nathan explained gently reaching out and putting his arm around Allie.
"You've been hurt a long time, and you don't treat people like that," Allie pointed out defensively.
"I know Allie…thank you, but you know better than anyone that I'm not perfect." He hugged her.
"You are pretty grumpy without coffee," Allie admitted with a mischievous smirk into his shoulder.
"Is that why you make me coffee every morning?" Nathan asked clearly amused. He pulled back to look in her eyes.
Allie shrugged with a smirk and a twinkle in her eye. "I make ME coffee even if it's YOU drinking it."
Nathan chuckled with love for this girl shining from his eyes. "Fair enough." He kissed Allie's head and pulled back to look at her again with his hands on her shoulders. "Mrs. Thornton is slowly healing. She isn't perfect…and you're right. She has even been hurtful."
"More than once," Allie retorted.
"More than once, but she is changing. I think the Lord is really healing her heart. She seems like she is learning to face her fears. I know she wants to apologize to you."
"To me?" Allie asked a bit shocked. "I don't know Uncle Nathan. I don't know if I'm ready to do that. It's hard enough just to be in her class." Allie broke contact and walked to the settee.
Nathan glanced at the beans still simmering and turned off the heat. There was enough heat and tension in this conversation without the beans burning too.
"Ok Allie. I won't push the two of you talking, but I do want you to know that she is waiting to apologize to you when you are ready," Nathan followed her and slowly sat down at Allie's nod.
"She's not going to follow me around or keep me after class?"
"No."
"Hmmm. Ok," Allie thought a moment. "What did you do when she apologized?"
"I hugged her."
"Dad! What about Mr. Bouchard?!"
"They broke up."
"Really?!"
"…Did you just call me Dad?" Nathan looked deeply into her eyes with hope that he had heard right.
Allie looked down at her hands clasped in her lap then looked up at him nervously. "I…did. Is that ok? I've thought of you as my dad forever, and I know you've officially adopted me and all, but I didn't know if you were ok with me calling you that now that I'm adopted. I was going to ask you about it after the ceremony, but then I screwed that up by just inviting Mrs. Thornton. You seemed mad so…then I just waited to see if you asked me to call you dad. I didn't want to upset you anymore since I tried to make us a family." Allie sighed in defeat.
"Oh Allie, you've always been my daughter to me. I just didn't want you to feel any pressure from me. I know you love me." Nathan put his arm around Allie again pulling her into a sitting side-hug.
"You've always been my dad to me. Ever since I was little, I told myself you were my real father….that way I knew I was wanted…and not thrown away…" Allie whispered trailing off.
"Oh Allie I didn't know that you felt like that." Nathan consoled as Allie started sobbing into his chest. He rubbed big circles on his back as he prayed silently for wisdom in what to say.
"You chose me. I never knew what was wrong with me that my dad would just leave me like that," Allie shared with tears streaming down her flushed face.
"Allie, it never had anything to do with you. It was always Dylan's issues that made him run. His fear and failures. It was never you," Nathan emphasized kissing her temple. He turned her face to his and cradled her head in his hands.
"Allie, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would choose you every time no matter what."
"Even if I cost you your chance with Mrs. Thornton?" Allie asked with tears brimming her eyes. Nathan dropped his hands in confusion.
"What? No…Allie, you had nothing to do with that," Nathan insisted. His heart fell that Allie had taken Elizabeth's rejection so personally.
"Yes I did. I tried to invite her for dinner with you and she wouldn't come. She had dinner with Mr. Bouchard instead." Allie's disgust for Lucas was clearly evident. She continued softly with a broken heart, "She didn't want me."
"No, Allie that had nothing to do with you Sweetheart. Mrs. Thornton was afraid to love me." Nathan took Allie's hand.
"Why?! You're the greatest man there is Dad!" Allie insisted.
Nathan's heart swelled. "Thank you Sweetheart. You're the best daughter I could have ever asked for. You're a gift to me Allie." Nathan smiled down at his daughter. "Mrs. Thornton was afraid of loving anyone let alone another Mountie, because her heart had already been so broken when she lost Mountie Jack. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah…I guess so." Allie admitted softly. "I've just been praying for so long that Mrs. Thornton would be my mother. She just seemed so kind to me at first and I don't know Dad, but…I love her. And now I don't want to. Does that even make sense? I don't mean to be mean..." Allie trailed off.
"I understand how you feel Allie. It's hard to love someone who is hurting—especially if they're hurting themselves and everyone around them."
"I thought it was me," Allie whispered.
"It's never been your fault. Mrs. Thornton was and is grieving, but she is responsible for how she treats people," Nathan stated firmly.
"I wish she knew that," Allie sniffled.
"She does. That's what she apologized to me for today. She knows she was hurtful to you and to me." Nathan hugged Allie tighter.
"She mentioned me?"
"She did. She is very sorry Allie that she hurt you. I could tell that she meant it."
Allie looked up at her dad with tearful eyes glistening with hope.
"She wants to apologize to you herself, but she wants you to be ok with her talking to you like that," Nathan explained gently.
Allie nodded. "I need to talk to her, but I don't know if I can yet."
"That's ok Allie. she is willing to wait however long you need."
"Dad?" Allie paused for a moment deciding whether this was appropriate to ask a parent. "…Do you think there is ever a chance for you and Mrs. Thornton? I mean, do you still love her Dad?" Allie asked cautiously.
A smile returned to Nathan's face flooding his features with peace warming his heart from the inside. "I will never get tired of hearing you say Dad." Nathan kissed her head. "Yes Allie, I think there is a chance. Mrs. Thornton and I talked a lot about our hearts. She has feelings for me too."
"I knew it." Allie whispered to herself.
"You were right Allie. And yes, I still love her. She was just afraid and wouldn't let herself see how much she cared for us. I think it was too scary after all that she had lost. That's why she pushed us away. To protect herself from loving us…and maybe losing us," Nathan tried to explain.
"She wouldn't have lost us!" Allie insisted, surprised at that reasoning.
"I know Allie, but when you're afraid you don't always think straight."
"That's true. So…what does this mean? Are you and Mrs. Thornton courting?!" Enthusiasm coursed through Allie's tall frame.
"Not quite…not yet at least. We are talking right now." Nathan shared attempting to temper her expectations.
"Talking? That's…it?!" Allie sat up straight. She was offended and confused as to why this wasn't simpler.
"We have a lot to work through. That's a big step Allie, and I don't want to put the pressure on Mrs. Thornton to court me until she feels ready. I don't think my heart is even ready to switch to courting so fast. C'mon Allie, this isn't one of your romance novels," Nathan teased as Allie rolled her eyes and huffed leaning back into him.
"Well I think Jane Austen would love you and Mrs. Thornton together…." Allie teased with an over-the-top dreamy tone.
Nathan hugged his goofy teen and kissed her temple. "I love you Allie. If you're not ready to talk to Mrs. Thornton yet, then ok. I would like to meet with her a few times so we can talk—maybe I'll take her riding or something…" Nathan mused.
"That sounds like a good idea. You're not going to take a bunch of candles are you?" Allie asked leaning back and raising her eyebrow.
"In the woods?! No…why would I do that? We'll ride in the daytime," Nathan asked confusion coloring his face.
Allie dramatically sighed and teased, "Uncle Nathan, you have a lot to learn about romancing women."
"Don't I know it, Kiddo. Do you have any Austen novels I can borrow? It's been awhile since I've read those."
"I'm lending you the whole stack."
"Good call. I love you, daughter."
"Love you too, Dad." Allie sighed and leaned into her dad's chest as his head rested on her hair. They sat together content to be a family two with hopes in their hearts of expanding to four.
—-
A/N: Special thanks to Lynn nebula2 for saving Nathan & Allie's dinner from burning the rowhouse down from author's neglect. Ha! Rookie mistake! ;)
Also, I'm not typically one for potty humor, but the thought of Newton doing his part struck me funny. A true partner.
*Taking it further and having Lucas step in it soiling his suit was all Sherri/p1thrasher's idea. :)
Easter Eggs:
"she finally saw him—the man that he was" -call back to s8 scene with Carson "she's got to know me."
"C'mon Allie this isn't one of your romance novels." -a little 4th wall humor for our fanfic universe.
