Ch 6: It Is Well

A new day dawned in the valley, and more than one citizen awoke feeling lighter. Jack was up early, as usual, continuing to playfully cause mischief for his mother as she busied herself getting ready for church this morning.

Finding the front door locked, he resolved to pull over a chair to the window and wave to his passing Mountie. Per usual, Nathan didn't miss his little buddy in the window and tipped his hat to him with a crooked smile.

Upstairs, Elizabeth changed her dress multiple times. She was trying unsuccessfully to figure out what was best to wear for groveling while also hopefully catching the eye of the local Constable.

On one hand, Elizabeth felt lighter under the resolution yesterday from her apologies to Nathan and Rosemary. On the other hand, she still felt the weight on her shoulders from more damaged friendships —especially her relationship with Bill whose lost advice and whose absence she felt keenly.

She ran her hand over the options in her closet stopping on blue. Blue button down blouse and….a cream skirt. But what jewelry effectively says, 'I'm sorry?' There. Diamond teardrop earrings. Diamonds were a bit much for a frontier town teacher, but that had been the least of her worries lately. Diamond teardrops. That about sums it up. I'm sorry for regressing into a selfish Hamilton princess.

It would have to do. Besides, blue always brings out Nathan's eyes….she thought as she clutched the blouse to her chest. She swished from side to side dreamily as she looked into her mirror noticing a light blush on her cheeks.

Her mind took her back to the memory of her time with Nathan yesterday not just finding resolution, but finding rest and peace in his arms. She smiled. Yes. Blue it is.

After feeding and dressing Little Jack in a matching blue button down shirt with brown tweed trousers and suspenders, she and Jack headed towards the little white schoolhouse-turned-church.

Elizabeth trudged up the steps to the church that Jack built as her son pulled her along eager to see some of his favorite people.

His mother, on the other hand, was uncertain how her presence would be received by the overall community. It wasn't that she hadn't attended church weekly, but now that her eyes were open… she was afraid of what she would see. How far had her pompous attitude hurt others? Did she even know?Had anyone remained unscathed?

By the pull on her arm, she was about to find out. She glanced at the plaque to her left as she opened the door hoping to draw strength from Jack's memory. Never one to shy from danger, she pictured him now as she stepped forward into a suddenly hushed congregation.

It felt like all eyes turned and stared as she walked a few steps further before pausing—unable to take another step. There was no escape from their stares, and more than one congregant whispered to their neighbor. Among them, she caught briefly Bill's pained eyes before he looked down at his Bible and shifted in his seat.

So much had changed in her relationship with Bill. What was once a father-daughter-like relationship, was now more like distant strangers.

He remained Jack's godfather and was still warm as ever to Little Jack, but as her courtship had continued with Lucas, Bill became scarce. It was no secret how he felt—which was at the root of why she pushed him away. He wouldn't let her pretend.

It was no secret that Bill despised Lucas. He had instead grown to love Jack's replacement as a son—just as he considered Jack. The fact that this son gave him a granddaughter of-sorts only helped endear him further. Whereas the fact that he preferred to think of himself as Uncle Bill instead of Grandpa Bill didn't seem to matter.

Jack tugged again at her arm not understanding his mother's pause when he suddenly yelled out, "Hi N'atan! Hi Awie!" Quiet chuckles broke the silence at the obvious love the boy had for their Mountie and his daughter.

"What a shame." Carried louder than intended from somewhere in the pews, but Elizabeth never heard it because her eye

was now transfixed on the same Mountie her son adored. A light blush crept up her neck as she slowly lifted her hand to less loudly greet the Constable and his daughter.

Few missed the exchange, as their gaze held longer than necessary and a lop-sided grin crept across the love-struck Mountie's face. His daughter took in her father's face with a smile. She then looked to her teacher studying her gaze with a small, but cautious smile.

Jack tugged gently again and Elizabeth looked down at her son as he led them to their pew none-the-wiser. Turning in the pew, she removed Jack's coat and her shawl—stealing another quick glance at the tall handsome man in the back.

Florence didn't miss the second glance and she turned to Molly next to her as she whispered something about a bouquet. Ned caught his new bride's gossip and gently placed his hand over hers redirecting her attention to his wink and loving gaze.

Elizabeth caught just the one word "bouquet" and was transported back to earlier in the week—warming his serge, running her hands down his shoulders, smoothing the fabric, as she methodically buttoned each button, before pausing and realizing the intimacy of her actions. It was so natural that it had just…happened. But her mind had screamed at her then, that she was too close and more than just physically.

Joseph cleared his throat as Elizabeth took a seat quickly in her pew a bit flushed for a shawl-less woman this time of year. With a knowing smile, he began his greeting to his congregation.

"Good morning church! It's a beautiful day today. I'm glad to see so many of you here this morning. Today we are continuing in the book of Job, chapter three. In the first two chapters, we have seen Job go from having everything to almost nothing. His friends were there for him, until they weren't, and finally Job succumbs to anger and depression and he curses even the day of his birth. I think in a town like Hope Valley—a town that has experienced such profound loss—a lot of us can relate to how Job is feeling in some way. We've all been touched by grief. Let's open to chapter 3…"

Elizabeth tracked with most of the sermon quietly drawing connections to her life with Jack, but she turned completely inward by verse 25.

"What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; only trouble comes." *

Joseph kept a close watch on his people as he delivered the heavy message the Lord had laid on his heart. The people of this valley had lost husbands, sons, brothers, wives, mothers, sisters, and friends. More than one person had bowed their head or had silent tears stream down their faces during the sermon. It was a hard message, but a true one. Like a surgeon, the message cut to each hurting heart to bring about healing.

Angela played the piano as the choir sang "It Is Well With My Soul," and still Elizabeth sat lost—deeply within herself. The congregation stood and Joseph prayed. He shook hands with many as they left. Still, Elizabeth sat with her eyes boring unblinkingly into the pew in front of her.

Joseph noticed as did the Constable from the back row. Nathan made his way forward and put a hand on Elizabeth's shoulder breaking her trance as her eyes filled with tears. A silent conversation happened in a look between Nathan and Joseph.

"Elizabeth, do you mind if I take Little Jack here with me for the afternoon? Allie and I are going on a picnic before we fish and we'd love for Jack to join us. I can bring him back before dinner."

Jack's eyes widened at the thought. "Pweeeease Mama?! Pwease can I go wif Mountie N'atan?!"

She smiled softly at her son and nodded as he threw his arms around her. Elizabeth looked up over Jack's shoulder at a somberly smiling Nathan as her first tears fell. She mouthed, "thank you."

His little hand slipped into Nathan's as he skipped off ready for adventure. Nathan turned to catch Elizabeth's tear-filled gaze. He nodded to her and left.

Joseph had approached Elizabeth and sat cautiously next to her. "Good morning Elizabeth. I am glad to see you here again today."

"Great sermon Joseph." Elizabeth muttered quietly looking down at her hands in her lap.

"Was it? I could see that it was stirring up some things in your heart." Joseph responded gently.

"Did you write it for me?" Elizabeth looked up pleadingly to the pastor's eyes.

"I didn't, but the Holy Spirit might have. I learned a long time ago not to preach at people. It never works and honestly, it's manipulative. My job is just to bring every Sunday what the Lord lays on my heart and I just have to get out of the way."

Elizabeth nodded solemnly.

"What's on your heart Elizabeth? You can tell me anything."

Elizabeth paused wringing her hands—uncomfortable with the thoughts she had warring in her heart. She looked up again at Joseph's warm brown eyes and found only love and acceptance there. It gave her the strength to continue.

"Why did God take Jack from me Joseph?" Elizabeth asked with pleading eyes and a quiet desperation in her voice. She had to know. The uncertainty had been eating her alive.

Joseph's eyes enlarged in a moment of panic, before a peace washed over him, and then a smile. He put one hand on the back of the pew as he twisted in his seat and pointed playfully at Elizabeth.

"I like that about you Elizabeth. Straight to the point. Phew!" He sighed loudly with a bit of a chuckle to himself. His eyes took on a serious look again.

"I've walked with the Lord a long time, Elizabeth. I've pastored a lot of funerals. And I knew some answers or I thought I did, until my baby girl lost her sight. And then suddenly, God didn't make any sense anymore…but He didn't change. I did. I was caught up in the lower story, you see. I couldn't see what God was doing in and through this trial in my life in His upper story and purpose across time. I was down here. I could only see the pain in my daughter's and wife's faces honestly. Why would God do this?"

"Why did He?" Elizabeth whispered afraid to know the answer.

"You know… I asked Him that…a lot. The silence almost hurt more than Angela's blindness. Was this some punishment? Was I not a faithful man? Was God trying to teach us some lesson? Silence."

Elizabeth's eyes darted to Joseph's as her face paled further. "How do you live with that silence Joseph? " She practically begged her question.

"I hurt a long time Elizabeth. It shook my faith. I'm sure you can identify with that."

Elizabeth nodded somberly.

"I poured over books in the library, I talked to other pastors, but one day a man told me this phrase…he said, 'dark night of the soul.' It struck my heart….like someone finally understood."

A look of relief washed over Elizabeth's face. "I don't even know what it means and it fits…it feels so… right."

"EXACTLY! That's exactly how I felt, Elizabeth. It means that you feel trapped in the darkness…the unknowing…the confusion…like even God can't hear your prayers…like they just bounce off the ceiling. But just that phrase gave me a validation that I wasn't alone. I wasn't unloved by God or in trouble with Him."

Elizabeth slumped back in her pew. "That's exactly how I've felt Joseph. I've gone to church, but I haven't felt God." She said staring into the now empty pew.

Joseph chuckled and she looked up.

She realized what she said. "Oh…no offense Joseph!"

"None taken Elizabeth." He said with a twinkling smile, "I've always said that the Holy Spirit writes the sermon…I just deliver it. In fact, most of the time people compliment me on sermons I haven't written."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean people will come up to me and tell me they were really touched by something I never said."

"What? How?" Elizabeth asked growing confused.

"God was talking to them. I was just up there yammering. He took them on a little side sermon just for them in their thoughts.

Those are my favorite moments actually. Keeps me humble." He laughed.

"Now, back to your question. Why would God make Angela blind? He didn't. He allows for free will. Angela's blindness was a medical accident. Only God knows if the neglect she received was intentional or sinful. I can only pray for that doctor." Joseph swallowed as he continued.

"God wasn't punishing me and He isn't punishing you either Elizabeth. He is a loving God. Jack died in a natural disaster, right?"

"Yes. A landslide, but just hearing your story reminded me that Jack was sent out by his superiors. I could identify with the question of negligence. I have often wondered the same." Elizabeth reflected quietly.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I know that can be a heavy question and thought." Joseph consoled as he reached out a hand to her shoulder.

"Elizabeth…I wasn't getting silence from God because He wasn't there. I heard silence because I asked the wrong questions. God was there all along grieving beside me. God's heart broke at Jack's death too. That is His child, Elizabeth. Does that makes sense? We can't control the world and God chooses not to—at least for now. He gave us free will so we could have the opportunity to choose Him, but free will can also be used by sin to hurt us." He paused for a moment letting that sink in.

"It doesn't bring Jack back. It doesn't bring Angela's sight back either, but Elizabeth, it helps me reorient my thoughts to who God is and that He loves me. He grieves with me. Jesus even promised that in the Sermon on the Mount: 'blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.'**

Seek comfort Elizabeth. He loves you. Run to Him."

"Thanks Joseph . You always know just what to say." Elizabeth took a deep breath and smiled the smallest smile.

"So, the Holy Spirit was speaking to you again then, huh? Here I thought I was being deep." Joseph joked as he sat back and leaned against the pew stretching his arm across the back.

Elizabeth smiled bigger this time and gave Joseph a sitting side hug as his arm wrapped around her shoulder. He made no motion to move or hurry her along.

When she pulled back, Joseph asked,

"Can I pray with you, Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth nodded. "I would like that very much. Thank you Joseph."

"Alright, let's pray. Father, we don't understand, but you never promised we would this side of Heaven. Please hold Elizabeth right now and as she goes about her day. Help her heart to heal and may she tangibly feel your presence in her grief. Help her to be honest with you and help her to pour her heart out to you regularly. Comfort her today. Thank you for her friendship to Minnie and me. Amen."

"Amen…thank you Joseph. Thank you for your friendship as well. I probably should have come to see you sooner." Elizabeth stated quietly as she looked down at her feet.

"Probably, but you're here now. God can use that. And He will Elizabeth. You just keep doing the next right thing and He'll lead you forward. Minnie and I will be praying for you."

Elizabeth looked up at him—thankful for his steadfast encouragement. "I'm glad that you're here Joseph. You are the pastor we needed….that I have needed."

"I'm just doing the Lord's work, Elizabeth, but I'm happy to be here too. Thank you."

Elizabeth shook his hand and headed down the church steps a lot lighter than she had entered.

A/N:

*Job 3:25-26 NLT : What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; only trouble comes."

(Well if that isn't Elizabeth's verse I don't know what is! It's real. Look it up!)

**Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. -Matthew 5:4

Joseph's comments about people being moved by sermons he hasn't preached because the Holy Spirit takes them on a side sermon is a paraphrase from a sermon my pastor Jerry Harris (The Crossing in Quincy, IL) once preached multiple years ago. It always struck me funny.

Some of Joseph's comments were also inspired by Dr. James Dobson's book When God Doesn't Make Sense