Chapter twenty-one: Doubts and brotherhood

Tracy island infirmary movie verse, TAG POV 03:30 with Gordon and Alan

Gordon woke up to alarms blaring and red lights flashing. His sleep addled mind was petrified, jumping to the conclusion, that the alarms indicated that Allie was dying, again! "No! Not again! Please no!" Gordon thought, as he woke up with a startle. Flying out of bed so quickly, that he got tangled up in his sheets, tumbling to the floor.

Gordon got up from the floor and was slowly walking over to his little brother. Sense of trepidation, growing with every shaking step he took. Checking over Alan with his own eyes, feeling his strong and steady pulse under his shaking fingers, Gordon let out a breath that he wasn't aware that he was holding. Trying to snap out of his pure state of fear, concerning his brother's health.

"Allie is alive! Not dead yet! Alive! Not blue and cold! Warm with pink skin! Still alive! Still breathing! Heart beating! He's alive!" Gordon mumbled to himself, over and over, like a mantra, in a futile attempt to calm down.

Seeing and feeling Alans life signs, was the only thing that managed to ground Gordon to the present. This coping mechanism managed to calm him down, from the brink of hysteria to bad anxiety. Not optimal, at all, but at least an improvement, no matter how small. Gordon thought that he was so far from okay, that it wasn't even a silver lining to be found anymore.

This had been happening every night since the accident, that got them flung into this universe. Gordon hadn't been sleeping well. Too scared for Allie, to fully relax. When he dozed off from exhaustion, he usually woke up with nightmares of Alans near demise. He always failed him in his dreams. Alan constantly died. Gordon continuously lost him. It was always his fault.

While he tried to joke around with Allie and this version of his family, as his usual go to coping mechanism, this time it did not work as normal. His regular go-to coping mechanism, had suffered a complete structural failure! He could go through the motions, but it did not help Gordon cope at all anymore! Gordon felt hollow inside. It frightened him more than he would like to admit. Gordon thought the worst part was, that he saw no way to fix it!

Gordon was an expert of wearing a mask of happiness. He had grasped that skill growing up with so much loss. Lost both of his parents, being told that he would never walk again, after he broke his back, enduring endless painful physical rehabilitation and having an exceptionally traumatizing job.

Watching your brothers hurl themselves into danger, on a daily basis, doing the same job, that killed their father. Saving people from natural disasters, to keep them from suffering the same fate, that killed their mother.

Gordons new roll in the orphaned family dynamic, was the jokester. Building on his love for mischief as a child. Gordon had just wanted to be seen, as the fourth child in a family of five, that proved to be tricky. Mischief was the perfect tool to achieve that, according to young Gordon.

It was easier to build his new role, in the newly orphaned family, on an already existing one. Gordon could always distract his brothers and sister with a silly joke. He exaggerated his jovial personality, so that he could influence his family to relax and have fun. With everything going on, his older brothers seemed to have forgotten how to.

Stupid jokes worked wonders for hiding behind when Gordon was feeling low. Hopefully, if he tried to be positive all the time, Gordon could heal a bit of the metaphorical bleeding wound in his heart. He wished that he could help pay back his siblings, for all their love, by making them feel a bit better in the process.

Gordon contemplated his self-worth "What good am I now if I can't even do my part anymore? Will anybody want me when I am useless?". Gordon was stuck in a downward spiral of negative thoughts. He tried to think of his brothers to snap out of it.

After both of his parents' deaths, Scott had stepped into the role of a parental figure, leaning towards a dad. He stepped up, the first time, for all his younger siblings, when their mom died in an avalanche. Dad was so lost in his grief that he buried himself in work and unconsciously pushed aside his family. With dad's disappearance, even more of a burden fell onto Scott's shoulders. He wasn't merely responsible for raising his four younger brothers anymore. He inherited a mountain of responsibilities from dad, as if taking care of the family wasn't hard enough for the now young man. In the mist of his overwhelming grief, he was now additionally in charge of international rescue and Tracy industries.

Scott became an overworked leader, carrying far too much on his shoulders. He forgot how to relax, always running on the highest gear. Forcing himself to be responsible all the time. The only exception, to his otherwise almost perfect responsible track record, was with his own life. Earning himself the nickname, Scott "Daredevil" Tracy despite his brothers' obvious concerns. Scott was always there for his family. A strong dependable rock to lean against when the winds of life were blowing too hard to bear. Gordon looked up to him immensely for that.

Virgil also stepped into the role of a parental figure, reminding Gordon more of the comforting feel of their mom. Virgil transformed from a carefree artistic soul to a worrywart, feeling responsible for taking care of his brother's health, both physical and mental. That was an almost impossible task to accomplish, in the stubborn Tracy family. Virgil, somehow, did it anyway! Always willing to lend a hand or an ear, no matter the size of the problem pestering his family. Virgil became good at showing his love more openly. Reassuring his siblings almost daily of their inherent worth, with everything from a hug to a few well thought out words. Virgil always managed to make his brothers feel special, loved, and wanted. Just for being themselves.

John always had been too smart for his own good. He stepped up as an educator for his siblings as well as learning as much as possible himself. Initially, he helped the younger ones. But as time went on, John learned enough to help his older siblings with a few subjects as well. The daydreaming spaceman became a pragmatic one. John could solve almost any problem. He was the go-to brother, with all problems hard to resolve.

John seemingly absorbed master's degrees and new languages like a sponge. His siblings sometimes joked that he was a genius. John was talented, there had never been any doubt about that, but he still had to work hard for his accomplishments. His brothers were aware of that. Often struggling to convince John to take breaks. John was quite like his father, in their way of setting exceedingly high goals for himself, while still managing to reach them. Always trying to improve. Always reaching for new hights. Gordon sometimes wondered if John was still trying to prove himself, despite him being an essential part of their family and business.

Alan was the baby of the family. He often showed his childlike innocence, in order to please his brothers, who had it ripped from them. Alan's childhood became an important subject for their older brothers. They felt like he needed to have a good one, to compensate for their own ones, cut short. What their older brothers refused to see, was that Alan had his childhood ripped from him, even earlier than them. No amount of sitting out recues, waiting to be older could change that.

However, Alan was smart and saw, just like Gordon, what his family needed and acted accordingly. Sometimes their older brothers needed a child to depend on them. So, Alan let them be his heroes. Building up their confidence from the small stuff, like chasing away the monsters under the bed. Towards the bigger things, like being good roll models and raising him into a good man.

Alan was also the primary physical comfort provider. Milking his status, as the youngest, for all it was worth. Helping to build up his older brother's self-confidence, in return for the massive amount of love they showered him in daily.

Alan was his older sibling's biggest fan. Often acting as a cheerleader with his enthusiastic demeanour. It made his brothers feel better, and that was all that mattered to Alan! Alan was brilliant in his own right. You must be driven and talented in order to become the world's youngest astronaut. To convince your five overprotective older siblings, to allow you to become a full member of international rescue, at fourteen years old, when they still saw you as a baby, was near impossible.

Despite that large hurdle, Alan went against the steep odds and succeeded. What most people forget about, is that all the Tracy's are overprotective of each other. Their collective trauma exacerbated it. Just because Alan was the youngest did not mean that he wouldn't protect his older siblings in his own way. Like refusing to sit and wait for something so silly as aging. Not, when Alan could learn how to protect his brothers now!

That was all that mattered to the Tracy brothers. Making sure the others were okay. The roles they had assigned themselves weren't even done consciously. It was just what came naturally to them, to help their family.

Gordons jovial mask was cracking. It was in the middle of the night. He was up alone. No one else awake to be strong for. Visions of the most horrible part of his nightmares, were playing in an endless loop. Gordons mind seemed to refuse to acknowledge that he was awake! The nightmare should be over! Why was Gordon still trapped in it? He was barely holding himself together. Something broke inside him, and Gordon let go.

With Allie still sleeping beside him, Gordon's tears, he had held in the entire day, escaped down his cheeks. Falling silently, as to not disturb his unwell brother.

Allie opened his eyes. Taking a bit longer to return to awareness from the blaring alarms compared to his brother. Realizing his older brother was crying, while standing over him. Alan reached a hand up to Gordons wet cheek, in order to gently wipe his tears away.

"Are you okay, Gordie?" Alan whispered, looking worried.

Gordon was silent for a long while, before admitting "No! I'm not.".

"It's okay! You don't have to be!" Alan answered, pouring as much love into the words as he could. Before demanding "Come here and hug me!". His big brother was hurting! Alan desperately wanted to fix this! Alan was going to patch the hole in his brother's heart!

Gordon slowly climbed into Alans bed. Alan attached himself, to his squid of a sad brother, like an octopus. Impressive, as Alan only had four limbs. Well, together, the terrible two had eight limbs that doubled as tentacles. At least when they hugged.

Alan had deployed, his fool proof plan, for comforting older siblings. Pretending to himself to need comfort, before comforting them, under the pretence of them comforting him. Being the youngest meant that you must be sneaky. Especially with his older brothers.

"We're going to be okay, Gordie." Alan said while patting his back, just like Scott used to do for them after especially bad nightmares. "We are not yet, and that is perfectly fine, but we are going to be! I promise!".

Gordon continued to cry, unable to stop his traitorous tears. Slowly loosing his grip on his silence, his sobs became audible, as he buried his face in Alans hair. Gordon was still taller than Alan, but not by that much anymore.

The alarms were shut down after a while. Neither Gordon nor Alan had any sense of time currently. Gordon, having lost his control in his long overdue emotional breakdown. Alan was using all his already depleted energy, on making his big brother feel a little better!

Alan had finally gathered enough courage, to attempt to break his brother out of his misery to ask. "Any idea about what the alarm was about?".

"No, but I thought that something was wrong with you! I thought you were dying again!" Gordon managed to choke out between his sobs.

"I'm so sorry for scaring you, Gordie! So very, very sorry!" Gordon just wept even harder.

Alan hugged his brother tighter! "It's going to be okay! Just let it out! We are going to be fine! I love you, bro! Just keep breathing! In and out! There you go! I got you! I promise I got you!". Alan tried to reassure his older brother. A few tears of his own escaping. Feeling guilty that he was the cause of his brother's obvious distress.

"I love you too! I just suck at being an older brother! I am not strong enough to protect you! I am so sorry for being such a failure Allie! You deserve better! I am so sorry!" Gordon managed to be understood by his little brother, between his heart wrenching sobs.

Alan hated when his family hurt! It always made him feel so helpless. Alan desperately needed to break his big brother out of his downward spiral. His usually smart older brother had turned into a complete idiot! Calling himself weak, failure and a bad brother! Nothing could be further from the truth! Seeing his usually positive brother break down felt inherently wrong. A silly thing Gordon used to do to Allie, when they were children, was flicking his forehead hard with his finger, when Alan did something stupid. Not having any better ideas, Alan did just that.

"Ow! What was that for?" Gordon flinched backwards, rubbing his sore forehead, glaring down at Alan.

"No one is allowed to talk shit about my brother! Not even said brother!" Alan said. Meeting Gordons watery eyes with his own determined ones.".

"What?" Gordon asked, seemingly confused.

"Come on, Gords! I did not flick you that hard! You were talking out of your ass! You are an amazing big brother! I am so very lucky to have you in my life! You saved my life!" Alan savoured Gordons shocked expression, before continuing.

"When I woke up here and was terrified, do you remember what you told me?" Alan asked.

At Gordons, small shake of his head, Alan continued "This is what you said "You're here! I'm here! We are together! Together we can do anything because we are an amazing team! We are called the terrible two for a reason. It is because when we work together nothing can stop us! Do you remember when grandma called us stronger than a force of nature? Because grandma was right! We are a god dammed force of nature and we won't let anything stop us!".".

"Do you remember now?" Alan questioned his brother.

At Gordons small nod, Alan continued "Were you lying to me?".

A small "No!" escaped Gordons mouth, along with a shake of his head.

"Good!" Alan replied, while offering his brother a small smile before continuing "You were not lying. You were right! We are an amazing team! A god dammed force of nature! You are not alone in this Gordie! You don't have to carry everything by yourself! I am a part of our team, right?".

Gordon nodded while Alan continued to look him in the eyes, trying to convey his sincerity!

"Listen to me closely now! You are an amazing big brother! I am lucky to have you! You are not a failure! I don't deserve better, because you are already the best I could possibly wish for! You shouldn't be sorry for not being strong enough to protect me. Because you are strong enough to protect me! You literary saved my life! I am only here breathing, living because you were strong enough!" Alan declared, pure determination burning in his eyes. Willing with his entire being to get through Gordons thick head.

Gordon and Alan were interrupted by Virgil and Frank running into the infirmary. Seeing the compromising position of the two brothers embracing each other on the bed. Tear tracks running down both of their eyes, Frank couldn't help himself and asked, "Are we interrupting something?".

"No! Not really! Just educating my stupid squid head of a brother." Alan explained, trying to goad his brother out of his bad mood with an insult.

"Hey! I'm not stupid!" Gordon exclaimed, sounding annoyed.

"Did you not just hear yourself? Moron, is more like it!" Alan accused, delighted that his provocation distracted his brother. A slightly annoyed Gordon was infinitely better than a miserable one. No matter potential pranking repercussions in the future!

"Sorry to interrupt whatever was going on, but we have an intruder alert on the island." Virgil interrupted. If they were anything like his brothers when arguing, they could go on all night if not hindered.

"Intruder alert?" Alan questioned, sounding startled.

"Was that what the alarm was for?" Gordon inquired.

"Yes! What did you think that it was for?" Virgil asked.

The devastated look on Gordons face, as he hugged Alan closer, spoke louder than words.

About half an hour after Gordons and Alans rude awakening, during the ghost hour of the night, they were still anxiously waiting for updates on the possible intruder. Gordon and Alan watched from Alans bed, while Frank and Virgil paced back and forth.

The physician and this version of Virgil tried to project an air of calm towards the teenagers at first. Unfortunately, Alan and Gordon had practised their own version of that look many times before. They saw right through it and called them out on it. After receiving the explanation of what had happened, neither Gordon nor Alan blamed them for being nervous. They were almost in the same boat, well, at least the same island.

"Virgil and Frank! Please stop pacing! You are making my head hurt even worse!" Alan groaned out his request.

"Sorry kid! I'll get you some more pain meds, Al! I'll be right next door!" Frank answered, while already heading to the adjacent medicine room. Seemingly grateful for focusing on something productive. Something tangible he could do, to make it better.

"Sorry Al! Just a bit stressed!" Virgil stopped his pacing, standing in front of the impromptu work area set up in the infirmary.

As Gordon refused to leave Alans side again, an extra table and some chairs had been set up on the side of the room. The table were covered in tools and laptops for notetaking. In the middle of the table, Gordon and Alans international rescue suits and baldrics, were displayed. Readily available, to be picked and prodded, in hope of understanding their technology to combine it with this universe own.

"Don't apologise! It is not your fault that my head is rebelling against me." Alan replied, feeling a bit bad for sounding so grumpy before "Head injuries suck! Thanks for listening to me! Sorry for whining!".

Gordon jumped in "It is fine, Allie. I think we all are a bit on edge, with what is going on.".

The other Virgil decided to change the subject, gesturing to the baldrics "Who decided on the colours of these things?".

Before Alan or Gordon had time to reply to the question, the "iR" part of their respective yellow and red baldric, started glowing for the first time, since entering this universe.

Not really believing their eyes, Gordon and Alan wasted a few seconds just looking mesmerised at their baldrics.

The other version of their Virgil asked surprised "Are they supposed to do that?".

Suddenly a voice they weren't expecting to hear, filled the infirmary room. Shocking its occupants even further.