Beyond the Funeral

He wished he hadn't done it, but he had, and her words filled his head. There was nothing else. Unsure what to do, or where to go, he stayed paralysed in his seat.

Eventually though he began looking around his room, wondering how it had all gone so wrong, so quickly….. again.

He was filled with feelings he no longer welcomed. Feelings he hoped he had banished. Feelings of doubt, remorse and recriminations, and once again it could all be laid at the feet of Georgie Lane.

The few days with Molly had been perfect. Like days gone by. Easy. Simple. Just them. They had both been so happy to see one another again. That was obvious from the very moment he had stepped out of his car, she had caught sight of his beaming face, she had moved to show him how much she had missed him.

She hadn't ran to his arms like a classic movie scene. Hadn't squealed out her happiness at seeing him again, or threw herself into his waiting arms. They were once actions of a Molly and Charles that belonged in the past. Instead she had slowly walked up to him, measuring him and their new found happiness. Taken stock of the man she had loved, but hadn't seen for over six months, and greeted him with the greatest smile possible A gentle touch of their hands and a soft hug. That was all, but it meant everything.

They weren't shy around each other though, as they entered her home they stayed close and touched whenever they could. The physical evidence of their new found development confirmed what they felt. They were happy, and both talked at speed, catching up with all that had happened to them over the missing months. In reality though they each knew each other's news. Her time away had not stopped them from sharing. Giving to each other bits of their lives, drop by drop. She knew he had enrolled at a college, a teaching and training career his goal. He knew the hardships her tour has bestowed on her. She knew that this move into education was huge step for him, and he knew that she was proud of that, supported him all the way.

The following days they spent together went well. They went fast and they went happily. They were re discovering themselves as Molly and Charles again. As friends with the promise of so much more.

She touched him constantly. Brushed against him. Shared his space. He reciprocated. They sat closer to one another than they had for a long time. They shared stories and memories. Mostly good and a few bad, but that was strangely OK. They giggled and laughed. They had a few tears. It had been so good.

Lines had not been crossed. It was friendship and it was a work in progress. He slept on the couch, as offered, and as promised. Neither

mined. It was good and it was getting better!

Progress, that what had been made, and neither doubted each other and the direction of travel this new relationship had. That was right up until this morning, days after he'd returned back to his parent's home. Right up until he had opened the e mail from her.

An e mail he hadn't expected one from her of all people. An e mail that was cruel and showed him once again how she felt. An e mail that rocked his belief, and his plans. Crushed his future.

She had done that to him. Again. The blame once again lay at her door.

Slowly coming out of the fog, shaking away the black thoughts, he knew he had to act on it. He had to face this cruel blow head on. Taking control, that was what he needed to do, refusing to allow his life, his progress, his struggle, to go to waste. He wanted to take control over all this. He wasn't going to lose Molly again because of it, because of her.

Her e mail was harsh. It told him that Molly had moved on. That her tour hadn't been a dry one. That her pay back for all the hurt he had caused her in the past had finally happened. It went on to say that Molly was playing cat and mouse with him, simply using him and she wasn't going to stop. It told him he was a fool to think he was getting a second chance. To her this was all a cruel game.

To read the words hurt. Really hurt. The e mail threatened to allow him to throw away all that he knew about them. Believing at first at what he read, yet he couldn't stop wondering. He had reasonable doubts, and so he took action. He caught the next train to see her. Not willing to drive while he was so anxious, distracted and caught up in another world.

To see her. To talk to her about what he had read, had learnt was what he needed. This wasn't like before. This time they need to communicate. To address the poisonous words that had been typed out and sent him. To see Molly, and ask if Georgie's tale was true.

Molly was confused, misunderstood, then realised what he was asking, and when she did it stung. Hurt her so much.

She was surprised when she first opened her front door, then happy, but quickly she registered his face and was confused as to what she was seeing. She listened to his fast, emotional, angry, disappointed speech. His quick fired questions. His accusations, all tumbling from his mouth. Molly found it hard to appreciate what was being said. Didn't accept his words initially, but then suddenly she did.

"It's true." She admitted. Caught off guard. She didn't want lie to him. She wouldn't. "What Georgie said. It's true."

They had moved into her lounge. Sitting on opposite chairs. Her on the edge. Him crushed.

"I did meet someone on tour. Like Georgie said, and yeah he means a lot to me. I promised you nothing Charles." She finished. Defending herself.

His head raised itself up from the defeated hold it had dipped down to, and he looked at her. She was right. She had promised him nothing.

They were nothing.

Friends. A separated couple that were potentially making their way back to each other, but that was all. They had only just made a start before she had gone on this tour, and no declarations were made.

And so he stood. He walked over to her and placed a hand gently on her shoulder. Apologetic. Sorry for his actions. Sorry for the pain they both felt. He thought his touch was enough to apologise for the loud harsh way he had barged into her life moments ago. Throwing the accusations at her from Georgie's e mails. And he was also apologising because she was right and he was wrong.

"I'm sorry." He simply offered and left.

She sat there numb. He had walked. Initially he had shouted, briefly he had listened, and then he had left. She sat there numb and stupid, and very much alone.

There had been a modicum of truth in Georgie's poisonous penmanship. Molly admitted that. She had been friendly with someone on tour. She had struck up a wonderful relationship with him. But that was all. He was a lost soul needing a friend. A new soldier to the team and missing home. They had spent many a night in the Med tent alone talking. He told her how lonely he was. How he missed his family, his son and his boyfriend.

Molly was simply Mark's shoulder to cry on. He poured his heart out to her. And she in turned, unexpectedly poured her heart out to him.
He was special Mark. She would never deny that. Someone who had come to the Army late in life. He'd had a life outside the ranks and regiment. Previously working as a counsellor for a bereavement charity. He'd loved his job but always knew he had wanted something more. Too scared when he was younger to enlist, it was only once he was mature, and with the love of a good man, that he found the courage to chase his dream. But still he found it hard and so found Molly the perfect antidote to his home sickness.

She helped him, but he'd helped her more.

She had talked to Mark about Charles. Frankly and openly like she has never done so before. About their past and the now they seemed to have. He helped straighten her muddled thoughts and feelings out. She talked about Smurf. Elvis. Fingers. She talked about them all, and her relationship with them both through Charles, and independently. He made her realise things she'd never realised before. He made her understand that she had found an acceptable degree of forgiveness for Charles, and how she had she wanted something more for them.

So she was completely truthful when she had admitted to Charles she had met someone on tour. When she had said he had meant something to her, but she'd been to surprised, too slow to explain. Then suddenly it seemed it was too late, he had just turned and left.

"Just get in the bloody car." She drove slowly alongside him as he tried to ignore her. "Shit Charles get in before I'm picked up for curb crawling or something."

Caught off guard initially, she soon jumped into action, chasing after him once he had stormed out. Aware he'd come by train, she knew where to find him, and that's what she intended to do. Eventually she found herself catching up with him as he neared the station. Reluctantly he did as he was bided, and like a sulky teenager he slipped into the car. He didn't speak though. She could see he was determined not to.

"You're still a moody bugger." She huffed out as she manoeuvred the car through the streets. "I should have left you to crack on with your little temper tantrum. Let you piss of back home." He flashed an angry look at her but still stayed mute. "But you and I are going back to mine and you're bloody going to listen to me."

"Molly." He said sharply. "I get it, and you're right you promised nothing to me."

"Charles." She started.

"No Molly just stop the car and let me go. Let me get on with my life. Let me let you get on with yours." He pleaded.

"Ain't happening mate." She pushed her foot down and increase her speed. They needed to talk and she needed to be out of the car when they did. "This time you're fucking going to listen to me. No more running."

"What's the point?" He shouted at her and was surprised as she pulled over on the busy high street. He looked around at the traffic and her fool hardly parking.

"The point Charles bloody James is that we ain't doing this no more."

"Doing what?" He was uncomfortable as cars tooted as they passed by, letting her know how inconvenienced they were by her sudden stop.

"Not talk. Say the wrong things. Mis-understand each other."

"Oh I understand you." He sneered. "You've moved on. I get that. It was just pity. You and me. These past months. I really get it. Molly Dawes patron saint of the lost cause."

"You get nothing." She smashed her hand onto the steering wheel in frustration. "You think you do but you don't. When are you going to admit you ain't always right?" He said nothing just stared in amazement at her outburst. She had tears running down her face. He pulled on his lower lip and said nothing. Just watched her. "You always do this. Think you know best." She sobbed. "You did then after Elvis. You did with Georgie. But you were wrong. So wrong."

"I..."

"No" She snapped "let me speak. You fucked up. I get that but I didn't. On tour I didn't. I wouldn't do that to you. To this, to us. I couldn't."

"You sure about that!" He questioned. "Wasn't you getting your own back. Throwing it my face that you met someone. String me along, making me believe there was hope?"

"No." She controlled her breathing. "I won't let Lane mess us up again." She said quietly.

He was shocked by this, realising that this was what was happening.
"Sorry."

"You should be." She tried a smile. "We need to work this out."

"Yes. I know. Friends?" He offered.

"Friend? Really Charles?"

"Well what more can there be? You've met someone."

"God you're stubborn and only half know what's what. Charles listen. Please. I'm telling the truth. Nothing happened. He was a friend. Beside nothing could have happened."

"Why?" He looked at her curiously.

"Mark. That's who I reckon who Georgie was on about. Well he's in a relationship. Long term. Happy... with his boyfriend."

Realisation dawned on Charles' face. "Oh!"

"Yeah anyway even if he weren't, you know, I still couldn't have done anything."

"Why?" He asked; unsure if she was still a stickler for the rules.

"Cause I bloody still love you that's why." She puffed out loudly.

"Oh." Was all his return to her declaration. Then turning and placing a hand gently on hers he added with a new smile to his face. "Think we need to get back to yours don't we? We need to talk."

"That we bloody do" she smiled back.

Molly began as soon as she entered her home. She wasn't going to let this fester any longer. "We crossed paths. She was doing something I don't know what, didn't ask, was just about to go on my way ignore her, but she made certain that I saw her Then she stopped and tried to have a friendly chat."

Charles mutely followed her through to the sitting room. He took her lead and sat down opposite her.

"Right from the very beginning" Molly began again. "I knew it. The way that she walked over. Thinking that she was God's gift. Thinking about whatever she had to say people wanted to hear. Shit, she still has that arrogance about her."

"I'm sorry." Charles said softly.

Molly held up her hand. "You have to stop apologising each and every time something shit happens to me. You have no control over Georgie being in the same place as me, and you had no control over her wanting to walk over and start talking shit to me." She moved to sit next to him. "We do though have control over whether we let her infect our lives from here onwards though."

He nodded and leaned over for a kiss. It was a risk but he need to do this. To make a dramatic move. There was no hesitation, she accepted the kiss as much as he hoped she would. It wasn't a long kiss; it was just the start. There was time for them to be lost in each other beyond this moment.

"I never said anything before" she looked at him as he pulled back from her. Charles continued. "In the car. When you said you loved me." She stayed still and waited. "I do too Molly. So very much. Love you that is, but you know that don't you? I need you, back in my life. I know I messed up, but I need you to know that it won't happen again. Ever. I can't lose you again. You're my everything." He watched her smile at his words and waited for her reply.

"You're my everything too." She admitted, and just like that it was all right again. It was their start.

It was a curveball ball; they had been expecting one. Both knew there was always one in every happy ending, so they expected one, but just not quite as severe as the one they received. Plans were starting to be made. Tentative ones, but at least they were plans. Molly grateful that Charles was giving more to them than he had done for many many years, and so when the curb ball came it literally knocked them both of their feet.

She began pacing anxiously around her sitting room waiting for him to come home, she was so worried. They almost lived together these days. They both spent as much free time as they could together. Weekends always together, and often week nights too. Over the past six months or so they had developed a pattern to their lives. He was happy to follow her lead. Socialise with her friends. Live in her home. Become part of her life once again. More than once he realised that in the missing years of them, Molly had developed an independence, a confidence in the life without him. He knew she didn't want to give it all up, depend on him entirely, and so he willing accepted her integrating , blending, him into her new life rather than allow him to take it over. He still found some situations difficult though. Still found meeting with friends who knew their history a delicate balance. Some looked at them with complete and total admiration, while others, like her family, still looked at him with mistrust.

It had all been good. Relaxed. Controlled. Until now. She continued to pace anxiously backwards and forwards until he arrived. Pleased when she heard her front door open, happy he was there; but fearful too. He came bounding into the small house full of energy and excitement to see her. He always did. The new improved Charles was a delight. However he took stock of the situation as soon as he laid eyes on her. She had finally sat down and remained there with a half a glass of wine and, more tellingly, a half empty bottle sitting in front of her. This wasn't their first rodeo. He could sense her mood, and could smell the fear as soon as he entered.

He sat down cautiously opposite her. Stealing himself for whatever he was about to be told. Knowing it was not going to be good news.

"What's happened?" He looked at her softly, almost afraid.

She noted he didn't go over to hold her, she noticed that he didn't immediately rushed to save her; something he would have done many years ago, and something that she didn't feel she needed him to do anymore. She was a strong independent woman and he knew that, he appreciated that, as soon as she accepted him back into her life.

"I'm being transferred. Moved. Proper. For three years." She said carefully.

He let out a whose of air. In the past it had been his career that had pulled the rug from underneath their feet, now it seemed as though it was her turn. "Where?" He quietly managed to say.

She looked at him with no preamble, it was pointless hiding it. "Kenya. Training camp." She felt the air leave his body; she actually felt the loose hair around her face flutter at the force of it. She knew the sentence delivered was understood and hurt him.

Kenya was where it all began. The place where events started and eventually led up to it all going wrong. She knew he felt it too. It was too familiar, too much of a known for them to pretend otherwise.

"A promotion!" he said. Molly nodded her confirmation. "I'm please for you. I guess you're going to take it?" he shyly questioned.

"Yes course I am." Her voice was nearly a whisper.

He stood up, now it was his turn to pace the room. She hadn't expected him to take it quite so calmly. She hadn't expected it to be so easy to tell him. Yes this move was good news for her, it was just bad news for them. It would have to be the end. The marriage just survived before when deployment was part of their routine, coming back to each other after months apart. And then there was Elvis, and then there was Georgie, and then things changed. They couldn't and wouldn't survive all that again, and so as hard as it was she knew her three years posting in Kenya would mean the end to their new start.

Briefly she had considered turning it down. Briefly she had considered explaining to him that she wouldn't take the posting, but she knew she wanted it. Really wanted this chance. For too long she had been drifting. There was no saying no to this. This was what she had worked for. This is what her career thus far had driven her towards. So therefore there was no real choice. She had to say yes and she had to say goodbye to Charles.

"It's a long fucking way" he said has he paced endlessly around the sitting room, he reached over and grabbed the glass of wine in front of her taking a large swig for himself.

"A fucking long way" she replied. "I'm so sorry Charles" she said grabbing the glass back.

"I just need to get this sorted in my head" he said. "It's three years in Kenya; you can't say no right?" he looked at her as she shook a head.

"No I can't," she said silently.

He continued "OK so three years in Kenya; and you're definitely going ahead?"

The tears started to roll down her face. "I'm sorry. Yes"

He stood stock still looking at her. He still hadn't touched her. "We're still married right?" he asked suddenly.

"What?"

"We never signed the decree absolute did we Molly? Never got that far. Legally in the eyes of the world; and in the eyes of the Army we're still married right?"

"Yes I suppose" she spluttered out.

"So I can I come with you. I'm your husband. They'll have to offer you married accommodation. I could come out with you." He finished jubilantly.

"It's Kenya." She burst out. "Not Catterick!" She looked at him as though he was crazy. "It's a bloody long way. I can't ask you to come. I mean what would you do out there? Your course, all your training. You can't give that up and do nothing."

"I know Molly. I won't."

"Charles." She cautioned. Last time he had been there they was Elvis and Georgie in their lives. It was lifetime ago. "I can't ask that of you. To leave everything behind…. For me."

"For us," he replied. "For us Molly. Think about it. What is there for me here? With you gone?"

"Sam!" She blurted out. "He needs his Dad."

"And he'll still have him. Holidays. Trips back home. He'll have more of his Dad than he's had for a long time."

"Your parents?" She argued. "You can't leave them."

"Why? They are still healthy, still have life in them. God if anything I've been holding them back the past few years. They been staying at home looking after me."

She started to hope. "It's not that easy."

"Yes it is. Think about it Molly. With you gone. With us not being together, I'll lose everything….again."

She nodded and understood his point. "Your course…. A career. What will you do?"

He moved over towards her and knelt down in front of her "I've two years. It's mainly online stuff. I only have to go in every couple of months or so. Everything else is online and in those times that I do I'll come back to the UK, and then you're just gonna have to learn to live without me." He half-heartedly joked.

"I can't." She started. "Won't ask that of you."

"Oh." He saw her shaking her head and he began to doubt. Maybe this was her chance. Her chance of being what she had always wanted. A new life and that life was without him.

She saw the pain cross his face. "Charles you can't live your life for me, because of me. We can't be everything to each other. My choices my life, sure factors you in, but factors me in too."

"We used to be everything to each other" he began.

"And look where that got us." She snapped back. "I love you Charles but I think I have to do this. For me. For you. You need to be you again and I need to be me."

"But without you Molly…."

"Look how far you've come. Look at how you're in charge of your life more than ever. Don't throw that away by following me out to Kenya and giving up your own life. Make decisions for you, not cause you're scared of a life without me."

"But I'll lose you Molly. If you go all that way. I know I will."

"I hope not." She said quietly. "I hope not. I love you. Your part of my life, but I can't let you consume me again. I won't."

He rocked on his knees and held her as she began to cry. His heart was breaking just as hers was. There was no solution. He was offering to give it all up to be with her, but she didn't want that. Still loved him enough to make sure he didn't lose himself again. He also knew that it wasn't his job to rescue her any more . His job was to walk beside when and where he could, but maybe Kenya was too much of an ask.

"When?" He simply asked.

"Haven't said yes" she replied, "but will. Then I think it's in about four months or so. They are giving me enough time to sort my nut out."

He stood. "So then Molly Dawes/James. I accept the challenge. Four months to make you happy, to make memories."

"What you're gonna let me go?" She said pained. Amazed they was no fight in him for this. "Just like that?"

"No" he said "not just like that. But I fucked up your life once before. I'll never do that again. This is what you deserve, need, and I won't hold you back."

"So you ain't going to fight for me to stay, try to make me change my mind? Argue your case?"

"Would it work?"

"No" she said honestly. "My heart's breaking over this but I have to go Charles."

"Then I have to let you go Molly." He sighed out.

His heart was breaking too, but they had no choice. She had to go, and he had to stay.

It was simply an end. Sometimes they came just when you weren't expecting them. Sometimes hard as it was, it was just what it was.

The end.