My mother had been telling the truth when she said I didn't have any complications with Luke and Lucy's labor, but I was terrified about this baby's birth. The other two had been born in a modern hospital, surrounded by doctors and nurses and medical equipment to help with any issue. I'd had epidurals with both, as soon as I got to the pain level where I was alternating between vomiting and passing out, and now none of that was available.
There were still doctors, of course, but without a working power grid the hospitals had shut down and women had gone back to giving birth at home. I'd been acquainted with a woman who was a midwife before the world fell apart, and I ventured into town to her office in late October to see if she was willing to take me on as a patient.
I'd only gone into town a handful of times since we'd arrived. There wasn't much to see - a handful of stores that sold local goods, a couple of medical clinics, and a few bars. It tended to remind me of Daryl's drunken night all those months ago and I tried to push those thoughts away as I approached her little downtown space. I hadn't told Daryl I was coming - we'd wrapped up the bulk of the canning and drying the day before, and he was still working on the cabin, trying to finish weatherproofing before the rain really started.
Jenny had come with me, and we greeted Leah with a hug, each of us going through the now-familiar routine of explaining where we'd been and who we'd lost over the past two years. Eventually, she brought the discussion around to the pregnancy, and I explained my guesstimated timeline and concerns.
"I'm happy to assist when the time comes," she said, "but you'll need to send someone to find me as soon as you think you're in active labor. Without telephones, it's been difficult to make sure I'm there for every birth so it would be good if you've got someone else who can help if I can't get there. Your mom and sisters should be fine, and I'll write down some instructions. You've done this before, and your body will know what to do, I promise."
I nodded nervously, "What if something goes wrong?" I asked bluntly. "What's the maternal mortality rate these days?" She sighed, and rubbed her forehead. "About 1%," she admitted, "but less if you've had successful vaginal births before, which you have."
"I know," I admitted, "but that was ten years ago. I also . . . I also had quite a bit of trauma to my vaginal canal and I'm not sure if that's going to cause problems. There's some scar tissue, I think."
She stayed very professional, but I could see the pity in her eyes and swallowed my pride. "I don't think that should be an issue, especially with good perineal massage, but I'm glad you told me. If necessary we'll do an episiotomy."
Jenny and I left with her list of instructions on what to gather, including herbs that I had in my kit. As we walked back to the farm, Jenny carefully brought the conversation around to Daryl. "How's he handling all this?" she asked. "I know it was rough there for a while, but it seems like he's really focused on making a home for all three of you now."
I nodded and smiled at her, a little watery from the ever-present hormones. "Yes, he's being very sweet. He even read a book Daphne gave him, and talked to Mama about my previous experiences with labor. And of course he's taking care of anything tangible we'll need. I am pretty nervous about labor, and we haven't talked about it much. I don't really know how he'll deal with it, and I probably won't have the ability to cope with any issues he might have at that point, so I'm tempted to tell him he should just go hunting or something until it's over."
Jenny laughed, but I was half serious. Even with an epidural, I'd had no patience for Raph's squeamishness during my labors and I knew if Daryl started freaking out I'd lose it on him. "Well, maybe Daddy can keep him occupied with something useful" Jenny suggested. "But if he wants to be there, are you going to let him?"
"I guess?" I said uncertainly. "I mean, if he wants to, he should. It's just going to be so much messier and more real than if we were in a hospital. Though that's a pretty good description for everything these days."
We got back as Daryl was coming back from the cabin and the rest of the family was finishing up the evening chores. I pulled Herschel aside and showed him the notes from the midwife and he reassured me that he had plenty of sterile cloths and a mat to protect the bed. I realized we'd probably be moved into the cabin by then, and wondered if I'd give birth there, or maybe in my parents' spare room so my mom could help look after me and the baby.
I brought it up with Daryl a few days later while I was helping him at the cabin. "I talked to the midwife" I said, picking up scraps of wood from the ground around the new porch steps. "She thinks she'll be able to get here but she gave me a bunch of information in case Herschel needs to deliver it. He says he has everything he needs, but I was wondering if you'd thought about where we should plan to have it."
Daryl had stopped sanding the porch railing to listen, and I met his eyes. "I mean, were you planning on me having it here, or do you think it would be better to have it at my parents' house and stay there for a couple days until I can get around pretty well?"
He looked behind him at the almost finished cabin and then back at me. "I guess I thought here. I mean, it'll be done and I thought we'd be moved in. If y'wanna be at yer folks that's fine though."
"I'd rather be here, actually" I said, smiling at him. "That way afterwards people can leave and it'll just be us." When he didn't respond, I realized he might have imagined having the whole group around to help, like we had at the prison.
"Or not," I continued nervously, "I mean, if you want other people around, that's totally fine. I was mostly asking because I thought maybe you wouldn't want that happening in the bed you have to sleep in, you know? Of course, it'll all be covered up, but you know, the idea . . . And obviously you aren't required to be there, and we can clean it up quickly afterwards, but for some people even the thought of a home birth is weird so -"
I knew I was babbling, but Daryl's expression was completely blank and I was starting to panic that just discussing labor was going to send him running for the hills. Even Raph had refused to watch Luke and Lucy's birth, commenting that he didn't really want to see my vagina "doing that", and choosing to stand at my head and be "emotionally supportive", and he certainly wouldn't have wanted anything that bloody happening in our bedroom.
Daryl finally went back to sanding. "Here's good" he said shortly, and I breathed a sigh of relief. As we continued to work in silence, however, I couldn't stop thinking about the labor and delivery, and the aftermath. Raph and I never had the kind of intense sexual relationship I had with Daryl, and I was starting to worry that having the baby, especially in such an intimate setting, would affect us.
I wasn't afraid that Daryl would leave - he was nothing if not reliable when it came to providing and protecting - but I did worry that he'd stop seeing me the same way he had before, and deep down I still felt insecure about the girl from the bar he'd woken up with. The pregnancy hormones, and the fact that I was getting bigger every day didn't help the matter.
We ate dinner with the group that night, and discussed the progress on the cabin. My dad's friend used to be a plumber and had helped connect the cabin to the well on my grandfather's property, which was powered by solar panels. They were hard to come by though, so we couldn't get any to provide electricity at the cabin and we'd have to use lanterns and candles for the time being. Daryl had found a wood stove that had a couple of burners on top so we could do some basic cooking, though any baking or bigger project would need to be done at the main house with the gas stove. Daryl thought he'd be done with the interior by early December, giving us time to move in and get settled before the baby.
