Chapter 8
Elliot got out of his Tahoe he'd parked on the curb and surveyed the neighborhood. Driving in, he could tell it was up to his standards but he had to think about the mothers of his children. They had to approve of it if they were going to agree to let him have his kids here.
He'd already looked at a bunch of places that wouldn't work due to a variety of different reasons. He was growing tired of the increasing inflation on apartments in the city. Sure, it had always been ridiculous, which was one of the many reasons he and Kathy decided to settle in Queens rather than one of the other boroughs. He knew Manhattan was by far the most expensive so he'd decided to try to split the difference between his kids' current residents. So this place was one of his last hopes. He had managed to save a good bit of money while living in Italy, surprisingly. But the pay was better with the jobs he picked up over there and the cost of living wasn't nearly as high. That and being that two of his children had taken on jobs to support their needs outside of school while the twins had picked up part time work to be able to have some extra pocket money, he had found himself with a surplus of funds. But it was still going to be difficult to try to maintain his savings while splitting his income between three households. Not that Olivia was accepting any type of monetary help from him at the moment. Even though the pay was now better as an NYPD dective, espescially since he'd picked up doing more undercover work, it would still be a hard. And he needed to do that, move out of his marital home, if he was going to gain any grounds with Olivia as far as spending parental time with the kids.
He had found this out the day they had gone to the park together. They'd ended up actually spending most of the day together after they stayed in the park until lunch time. Olivia had been in a rush to get everyone packed up and back home for lunch, but he had offered to buy lunch for them. He hadn't wanted to let go of his little girl just yet, especially after she had taken so positively to him. It probably had to do with him helping her wrangle one of the piglets, allowing the little animal to nuzzle her neck and face playfully as she squirmed against his chest in a fit of giggles. He'd never thought his first outing with his kid would be him sitting on the grass in the middle of the park while he cuddled her and a baby pig. But it was definitely worth it as he was now accustomed to the sounds of the girl's happiness.
He had even seen her mother glancing at them occasionally, a huge smile plastered on her face at hearing the girl's laughter. She had been more distracted though, trying to prevent Noah from feeding from the bottle they were giving the baby goat and simultaneously trying to keep him from sharing his sippy cup.
Surprisingly, she had taken him up on his offer for lunch, but he knew she had ulterior motives after she stared him down like a huge second pair of hands before accepting his offer. He knew it had to have been difficult being a single mother for the past three years. He only hoped now that she knew he was there to help in any capacity she needed and more.
They had sat outside on the patio of a local brunch spot and things had gone well. There had been no arguments, only comfortable conversation. Light catching up while avoiding the topics that would set off the landmines. He had learned a lot of things from his three year old as well, since she sporadically chimed in on her parents conversation. He'd learned of the special words used by her uncles, one who had affectionately earned the nick name of Munchie Munch. He'd even gotten Noah to giggle a few times after pulling a face every time the baby stared at him trying to figure him out.
He had then followed her to the outside market to grab a few things. Upon arrival, she'd mumbled something about pushing it. Which he immediately understood when five minutes in, Noah passed out on his shoulder and about fifteen minutes after that, Isabella seemed to completely lose her shit after Olivia pulled her away from a display of homemade candy. To say she'd caused a scene would be an understatement as the child seemed to lose all muscle tone as she fell to the floor in a heap, wailing loudly and dramatically. The act rounded off by her placing the back of her hands over her eyes and kicking her little legs about the floor. He thought it'd just been him that found the whole thing funny as this didn't seem like the typical public toddler melt down that everyone found annoying or embarrassing. It was almost theatrical which made it funny that a small child could be so over the top. He confirmed it when he looked around and saw a few other people smiling at the scene and snickering lightly.
Her mother, however, did not find it funny. He watched as a light blush of embarrassment came to her cheeks. She stooped calmly and hauled the child from the floor. Isabella in turn had wrapped her arms and legs around her mother and continued to cry as Olivia hurriedly walked towards him. Isabella for her part began chanting, "No, Mama. No, Mama."
He smiled amusedly at the scene. She put on a sarcastic smile as she neared him. "Now that everyone knows that I am indeed the mother of this lunatic, let's get out of here. He laughed but used his free hand to stop her, knowing she wasn't finished getting what she wanted from the vendors. "Give her to me."
She'd given him a look and he'd explained that it was fine. He could handle the meltdown and let her finish her grocery shopping in peace. She'd hesitantly agreed after a short discussion on the matter. When she was done, she'd seemed surprised to find him with his foot resting on the bottom of Noah's stroller, the baby inside still sleeping. He was reading a paper, almost reclined in his seat as the previously cranky toddler slept soundly against his chest. When he'd noticed the look on her face, he'd beamed at her. That smile he knew she hated. The one that said I was right and you were wrong for doubting me. The one that would garner a comment from her about her disliking him in the moment. Not much had changed as she'd rolled her eyes before making her way over to him. She grabbed a seat at the table he'd found and they kicked up another conversation as he continued his child whispering.
He had been about to suggest another activity once the kids finished their naps. He knew she liked to be outside on nice days as she'd told him she felt guilty for staying in on those days. Which is why she preferred it to rain on her off days. His plans had been interrupted by a call from Fin, informing her about a case. She'd hung up with him and called her baby sitter and he would lie if he said he hadn't been at least a little offended. He offered to keep the kids for her, which she declined. They'd then gotten into a discussion about the logistics of it. She'd asked him where he would take them, to which she suggested to his house with his family. He'd stared at her dumbfoundedly, before she asked if Kathy knew about their daughter. It was clear she'd already known the answer and she was just trying to make her point. And that was when he had tried to tell her of his plan and why he hadn't disclosed that information to his wife yet, but she had interrupted him stating that it didn't matter. He'd then offered to take them to her place to which she declined. He had studied her response before asking bluntly 'Why don't you want me to know where you live.' She had been blunt with him and told him it was because he could be overbearing and until he learned to accept and respect the boundaries she'd been trying to put in place, he wouldn't be getting access to her residence. He'd tried to dispute but seeing it turning into a full blown argument, he relented. She ended up going with her original plan, meeting up with her Nanny back at her place.
So long story short, if he was ever going to get to spend time with his kids on his own accord, he needed somewhere to take them. He knew that Kathy would be just as difficult to convince even if her reasons weren't as valid.
So here he was. In the middle of Brooklyn looking for a new place of residence. For his part, the guy showing him the place wasn't completely annoying. He seemed like a pretty down to earth guy. Dressed in a pair of jeans and running shoes and a not too flashy polo shirt.
It hadn't taken him long to figure out that Olivia would love the neighborhood, being a die hard city girl and Kathy would have no obvious objections. As the man showed him around and they talked, he was actually pretty astounded by the inside of the place. It was nice, maybe too nice. Still he explored, trying to get a feel if he could see Eli, Isabella, and Noah running around the property. He let out a contemplative 'hmph' as he noticed the outside green space that most of the wall of door windows opened up into, making a seemingly continuous space with the inside living area. The kitchen was nice and spacious. Everything was spacious, nice sized bathrooms. Modernized everything. Yeah, it was definitely too much for him to afford. But he was surprised when the guy had said he and his two brothers had actually done all the work for remodeling. They continued their conversation, having fallen easily into it as Elliot asked him more about his background. He had figured all the people building or selling these places were all hands off of the hardwork and all in for the monetary return.
He'd ended up sharing his some of his background, not anything in detail but as the conversation continued and names were mentioned they'd realized that Elliot had been a part of the team that had helped to release the hold one of the local cartels had had on the businesses in the area. They guy had told him that the gang had tormented their neighborhood for years, including his father's business. Due to all the stress of trying to conduct business and still turn a livable profit with the gang hanging around, the older man had decided to retire. Not wanting to see their family business go under for that reason, he and his brothers had decided to take over from their father. The older man had warned them to be careful so they'd done the recons, inconspicuously, but hadn't put anything to market until recently when the cartel had been wrangled.
To his surprise, and his relief as he really was starting to like the place and knew it was one of the better spots he would come across on his quest, the man offered him a discounted rental price that actually made the place affordable to him. He'd declined initially, not wanting to accept handouts, but the had negotiated and discussed further. Elliot had offered to handle security for their properties by asking his copy buddies to increase their patrolling in the areas. He also agreed to act as somewhat of an on call officer after hours for the other four properties in the vicinity. They had finally come to a deal that both sides could accept.
Now, for the hard part. Breaking the news to Kathy and asking for a divorce, telling his kids, and then telling Olivia and getting her to be receptive to the plan he'd set in motion.
Amanda sat at the bar, relaxed back into the barstool as she nursed her drink. She was the first one to arrive and she didn't want to reach the drink limit she'd set for herself before anyone from the rest of the group showed. Her head whipped to the left as she caught a flash of another blond making her way towards her.
"Hey," Alex greated happily.
"Hey," Amanda smiled at her. "You seem happy. Good day in court?"
"Great day in court," she replied.
"Good for you," Amanda said sitting up straighter in her seat. "If Liv doesn't show up with her news, we can have a celebratory toast."
"She isn't here yet?" asked Alex.
"Nope, but it's only six fifteen."
"Any idea what this is about?" Alex asked as she waived the bar tender over.
"Not a clue. I was hoping you did," Amanda admitted.
Alex ordered then turned back to woman, concerned about their friend. It wasn't like Olivia to be this dramatic. Not to call a girl's meeting. None of them ever really did, unless they had screwed up big time. Still, she hoped.
"Think it's good or bad?" she asked Amanda.
The woman gave her a look . "Have any of these ever been good?"
It was true. Liv had just asked them to meet her at the bar because she had some news to share. If it were good, they would usually share the news through text and request a meet up to celebrate. Or share the thing that was stressing them, and ask for a meet up to vent and let loose a little. But every single time a simple request to hang out beause they had news had come across her phone from this group, which was rare, someone was in a hard spot.
"Hey," Olivia said walking up behind Alex who was sitting closest to the door.
"Hey, Liv," Alex said hugging her. They hadn't seen each other in person in a while. It wasn't their usual to go as long without seeing each other, especially since she was her daughter's godmother.
Olivia moved on to give a quick hug to Amanda after not having seen her all day. She then took up residence on the stool on other side of the younger blond. She waived the bar tender over and ordered her drink, before she realized they were both staring at her.
"What?" she asked.
"What, what?" Amanda parroted as if it were obvious. Because it was. "You gonna tell us what this is about?"
Olivia opened her mouth to reply but stuttered long enough for the bar tender to return with her drink. She took a sip. "Yeah, but drink and give Mel and Case a chance to get her. Drink up. Trust me. You are going to need it."
Alex and Amanda gave each other a look before turning back to Olivia. "Liv, you're scaring me." Alex said. "Is this something that's going to require me to use my legal background?"
"Not unless you have some background in family court?" she replied quietly, not looking at either of them.
"Liv, please tell me you're not saying what I think you're saying," Amanda asked, thinking only of Noah because why would it be Isabella. The younger woman had the disadvantage of appearing at the precinct after the fall out. Alex on the other hand, had always had her own suspicions.
"Wait," she stopped the discussion. "Are we talking about Noah or Isabella?"
Amanda's mouth fell open after realizing that Isabella's father could possibly have found his way back to Olivia's doorstep. Both blonds looked at her, awaiting her response. Before she could, the rest of their group walked through the door.
"Hi guys," Casey said as she and Melinda took up the two bar stools on the other side of Olivia.
"Hey Case. Hey Mel," Olivia said solemnly. She had invited her friends here to inform them of the paternity of her eldest child. She was sure many of them had their suspicions but she had neither confirmed or denied them. When they had all asked about the father after finding out about her pregnancy, she had stated she didn't want to talk about it . They, being the great friends that they were, had responded by letting her know that they were there if she ever decided she wanted to talk about it and then had left the subject alone. But she figured with all the beans about to spill out the bag, she might as well tell them. She wanted them to know before everyone else found out and she'd wanted them to find out from her. They deserved that much from her after all of their support throughout all of this.
Both Melinda and Casey's faces dropped at the tone of Olivia's voice and the looks on Alex and Amanda's faces.
"What's wrong?" Melinda asked, and Olivia cringed inside as Melinda tended to have that motherly tone when someone had fucked up. The tone implied that she was there to help but it also reminded you that you were not done with dealing with the fall out of your fuck up.
"I don't know," Alex offered after Olivia didn't immediately reply. "Liv was just about to tell us."
"Can we finish our first drinks first?" Olivia asked a little more defensively than she meant to.
"No. Nah uhn," Amanda spoke up. "Olivia, you cannot leave us wondering like this. It's fucking with my anxiety now. I need to know what's going on. How much trouble are you in here?"
"Relax," she said, playing with her half empty glass. "It's not…I'm not in any trouble. Not in the concrete since of the concept anyways."
"Okay, Liv cut the bullshit" Alex said in her stern, lawyer voice. Olivia turned to her friend. Her and Alex were the closest of the group, having known each other the longest and worked together the most. Unfortunately for her, that meant the no bullshit lawyer was usually the one to call her on her bullshit.
"Stop this vague, convoluted non sense. It doesn't suit you. You're not this fucking dramatic. Tell us what's going on."
Olivia took a deep breath and blew it out. Everyone was quiet and all eyes were on her. Alex was right. She might as well just get it over with.
"Elliot…," she started and forced herself not to choke on her words. She saw Alex's head tilt and her eyes squint as she was the only one at this point who had enough info to start effectively putting together the pieces of the puzzle. She could almost hear the outdone 'Bitch' floating through the woman's head. "ElliotisIsabella'sfather."
She decided it best to just blurt it out. Otherwise, she was going to puke before she got a chance to get to the end of the sentence. Only four people, not including her, had known that up until this point.
It was silent. She squeezed her eyes shut and lowered her head. Part of her discomfort with the situation was due to the embarrassment that she had not only to sleep with her married partner, but also allow him to impregnate her. Sure, that was par for the course. She was used to dealing with that embarrassment at this point. But everything that came behind that fact was what was weighing on her. She didn't want her friends or her colleagues or just the random people she had come to know over the years to think any less of her. She had an image to uphold and a reputation to protect. Both she'd been building since the first day she stepped into the police academy, and definitely after she'd become a female member of the special victims squad. She couldn't lose that. She didn't think she could continue to do her job effectively if she did.
"Liv," came Melinda's motherly voice again. Only this time it was softer, more patient. "It's okay."
"Wait, you slept with Elliot?" came Casey's tone of disbelief.
"Fucking Stabler," she heard Alex mutter loudly from the other side of her junior detective.
She willed back the tears, and chanced opening her eyes. The first face she met was that of the southern blond.
Her face was one of shock. She didn't have all the history of the tragedy as the rest of the women had but she knew enough to know that this was a little bit of a big deal for the woman personally. She knew Elliot had been her married partner. They'd worked together for years. They'd fought and grown too close. And then some tragedy happened at the precinct that caused him to disappear off of the face of the Earth. And apparently…they had slept together at some point during all of that and created what was currently her favorite three year old.
To her credit, Amanda did manage an unsure smile as she found her friend's distraught eyes resting on her. "You want another drink?" She didn't wait for her to answer before speaking again. "Yeah. Let's get you another drink."
She then turned to waive one of the bartenders over. She came immediately and they all quietly ordered drinks. Alex was the first to speak.
"Did that son of a bitch know?" she asked, finally deciding on which question was most important to her.
Olivia shook her head, a lone tear slipping down her face. "He didn't know. He found out after he came back. He saw her and," she made a motion with her hand signaling the rest didn't need to be explained.
"Thanks," Amanda said to the bartender as she sat the drinks in front of them. Everyone grabbed their drinks and Amanda slid Olivia's next to her first, now empty, glass.
"When did this happen?" Casey asked again. Still the one in the most disbelief.
"The night when," Olivia started. Her emotional state could accurately be described at this point as quietly blubbering. Her eyes and nose were red and tears streamed silently down her face. "Jenna. It was the night of the shooting."
"Damn," was Casey's reply as she turned away from Olivia and stared blankly at the bottles that lined the wall behind the bar counter.
"Okay, Liv," Melinda asked after having watched her friend cry for the last few minutes. "What do you need from us?"
"I just," and now she felt the ugly cry coming on. She tried to keep it at bay. She needed to get this out. "I just really need you guys to not judge me right now. I messed up. Bad. I know I did. But please don't think any less of me."
"Of course not," Melinda told her.
Alex just stared, trying to decide the best course of action to help her friend. It wouldn't normally be her first instinct but it was clear Olivia was an internal mess. She walked over and wrapped her arms around her friend. "Liv it's okay," she whispered quietly.
She could empathize with what the brunette was currently feeling. They were very similar and in very similar positions given their chosen career fields. She knew that the woman was fearing that her entire career and all the hard work that came behind it as well as the respect that had come along with it would be gone as soon as word got out she'd slept with her married partner.
"Yeah, I've done way crazier things than that," Amanda joked. "Don't beat yourself up about it."
Olivia couldn't help but to let out a short laugh as she remembered thinking just what the fuck was wrong with the younger detective after she'd first started working with them. It didn't take her long to find out that it was just the manifestations of a previous fucked up life, just as it was with all the rest of their squad. She clung to Alex's arm with one of her hands as she needed a physical grounding to the support that was, thankfully, starting to pour in from her friends.
Casey spoke again after coming out of her initial shock and having processed and reprocessed the entire situation. She'd finally come to the conclusion that Alex had. "Is it bad that I really want to beat his ass?"
"Naw, that's definitely an appropriate emotion at this time," Alex immediately replied, causing Olivia to laugh again. People often thought that she was the bad ass, but they often forgot about the two human chainsaws flanking her at the moment.
Alex placed a kiss on top of her friends head before pulling back a little and looking in her face. "You good now?"
Olivia nodded. "I'm good."
The blond finally released her and went back to her stool. "I can't believe your ass kept that from us all of this time," Alex stated, her hard exterior starting to show itself again.
Melinda thought for a second. No way, after seeing her reaction, Olivia could have dealt with this alone all of this time. "Who did you tell, Liv?"
"Um," she said passing a hand over her face to clear the last of the tears that had fallen, "Captain and Fin. I told Trevor, because of Noah. And now, you guys."
"Of course Fin fucking knew," Amanda said in disbelief of the accuracy of her theory. They all started laughing as they all knew that the woman had always argued that Fin was the nosiest most meddling some times most intuitive one in the squad room. He was just quiet and kept his information to himself until and if he felt he needed to voice it. He would simultaneously claim to be staying out of other people's business.
The rest of the short evening went much to Olivia's liking. They all were busy and needed to get going for one reason or another. She was happy she'd told them. Now she felt like she had more support than ever. She felt mentally and emotionally lighter. But still, after the stress of it all, she just wanted to get home before their bedtime and snuggle her babies.
He would be lying if he said he was not physicall feeling the effects of what he was about to do. It was insanity to him. It's not that they hadn't teetered on this ledge before, but she had always been the one to bring up the topic of separation. Divorce. No matter how bad their fights would get. How angry and frustrated he found himself. No matter how badly he wanted to be with her. He had never been the one to suggest either of those things. She had always been the one to bring it up, and he had always fought her on it. It had been the right thing to do. Hadn't it? For their children? For his religion? His moral aptitude as a man of Catholic faith?
Yet, he had disregarded all of that the very moment he had climbed into bed with his old partner. Another ledge he had found himself on frequently as he often opted to be at the side of his beautiful, single partner rather than be at home with his family. He loved her. He'd known that. But he hadn't acted on it until that night. And that had to count for something. At least while it had lasted. In the end that one split second decision had made all of it…their suffering, the denial, the fighting, the longing…all of it obsolete. He had thrown all of that effort away in the few seconds it had taken him to crawl between her thighs and seek residence inside of her body.
He passed his hand over his face and took in a shaky breath as he remembered the way she had reached for him the first time he had finally pressed his rigid member into her core, perfectly manicured nailes digging into his biceps and shoulders as he settled himself fully inside of her. The gasp that had left her parted lips, settling agains his own as he felt her body stretch to accomodate his presence. The way she looked at him as he slowly began to move inside of her.
He had thought, before that night, that he had known the extent of such an act of physical intimacy, as he had to had loved his wife in a similar manner at somepoint throughout their marital union. But what he had experienced that night with Olivia, his best friend. The woman he was madly in love with. He had never experienced anything like that before. Nor had he again after leaving the confines of her apartment that last morning. He yearned for it. Not just that level of physical intimacy but just to simply be allowed to be as close to her in every other way he had been during that time.
"Hey," he heard a breathy whisper and his head snapped to his left. He studied the tall blonde standing there, mouth agape, as if she had actually just caught him in the actual act and not just the memory of it.
She smiled softly at him. "You're home early. I wasn't expecting you for at least another few hours."
He countinued to stare at her as she made her way over to the porch swing he had forgotten he had taken up residence on in an effort to delay the conversation he knew he had to have. As the smile slowly faded from her face, a look of concern took its place, and he realized that he needed to respond.
"Hey," he breath out, breaking eye contact with her.
"What's wrong?" She cut straight to the chase. He didn't know what had set off her alarm bells. The fact that he was indeed home early, especially for a Friday night or the fact that he found himself no longer being able to look at her as he tried to build his confidence back up.
"Nothing," he replied too quickly. Too loudly. He forced himself to look at her again, breifly. "Nothing's wrong. I just…we finished up early today. Nothing else to really persue tonight, so I thought I'd just come home. I thought that…we could talk."
The truth was he was home early. But it had been planned with his boss that he would need to leave early to tend to famlial matters. He'd picked tonight because he had known the twins would be gone out somewhere. It was the weekened, and it was hard to keep two seventeen year olds in the house during the weekend. He knew Eli would be asleep early, having worn himself out throughout the week. He always seemed to tap out early on Fridays when school was in session. He knew he would have time to have the conversation he'd wanted to have with her without fear of his children being dragged into the immediate active meltdown.
She smiled at him sweetly as she joined him on the swing, relaxing back into the the cushion. Her body language didn't miss him. She had sat unusually close to him seeing as they were normally at odds after returning back from Italy.
Italy had been different. It had…not been New York. It had been a much needed event for their family, but espescially them as a couple. In his effort to forget his life in New York, he had thrown himself full force into his marriage and family. Figuring he could make that work. He could committ to the lie if he just tried hard enough. And for a time, he had. They had been happy. But it had not been their reality. It had been an escape from their reality. And reality always had a way of catching up to you sooner or later. The cracks in the fantasy life he had crafted for himself had began to crack with one simple phone call from his previous boss. A single mention of a former colleague reminding him that she still existed in the world, no matter how hard he tried to pretend that she didn't. Reminding him that the hole inside himself had still not been filled, and probably never would be if he kept what had become his status quo.
"I'd like that," Kathy smiled as her arm brushed against his. And he immediately felt like a monster. The woman had yelled at him, cried, and begged him to do just this exact thing for years. To prioritize coming home to his family over his job. And here he was, granting her wish. But only to rip their famililar unit apart as they knew it, once and for all.
She slid her hand into his and intertwined their fingers as she smiled lovingly at him. He looked down at their hands, currently resting on his lap, and he figured the direct route would probably be the best course of action. It was already cruel enoguh he thought, as this was coming out of the blue. Compared to previous times, they hadn' t really been fighting too much. They couldn't, as he had been avoiding and not engaging with her as soon as he returned to work after arriving back stateside. He had felt himself pulling away from her. They were not as close as they had been in Italy and he knew she had to have noticed it too.
"Kath," he started, still not able to make eye contact with her. "You ever wonder what would have happened if we had gone through with the divorce?" He felt it. Her body tensing up as the open and happy demanor she carried onto the porch with her started to fade away. "If, instead of getting back together when we found out about Eli, we'd just gone ahead with it?"
There was silence and he waited, finally looking away from their conjoined hands and down at the wooded deck as he realized this was going to go the way he feared it was going to go instead of the more positive outcome he doubtedly hoped for.
She slid her hand out of his and he could feel her frowning at him. He wouldn't cowar away though. His cowardice, he thought, had caused him too much already. So he raised his head, and finally met her eyes with his own. It helped that she seemed more angry than hurt at this point.
They stared at each other for a moment before she finally spoke. "What are you talking about Elliot?"
He hesistated, before attempting to repeat himself, but she cut him off before he could get past the second word. "No," she stated firmly. "No, I have not thought about what it would have been like to divorce when when found out about our youngest child. I have not thought about what it would have been like to raise our children in a broken home. Or fantasized about it rather as it seems that's what you've been doing."
"Kathy," he immediately tried to defend. He didn't want this. Well he did, but not this part of it. Not the hurt and pain it would ultimately cause to the people he lcared about. To his children, who he loved more than his own life. "I never.." he tried but was cut off again.
"It's her isn't it?" she asked and his eyes darted back down towards the ground. "You saw her." It wasn't a question. "Jesus Christ. Elliot, I thought…" that's when he heard it. The hurt that came with the anger. "I thought," she sobbed as she tried to get the rest of her words out, "that you were over her. That we were done with her. But the moment you saw her, you just…" she took a moment to collect herself. He didn't speak, figured he owed her the opportunity to get everything out without interuppting her. Without trying to explain his actions to her.
"It's been four years," she finally started up again, her voice seemingly stronger. "Four years. We were happy."
He shook his head. 'You were happy.' He had been able to stop himself from saying it aloud. But it was no use trying to ease into it anymore. He was pretty sure that his wife knew where he was trying to take the discussion. She probably hadn't realized just how far he was going to take it though. "I think it might be best…if I move-" she cut him off, refusing to hear the end of that sentence.
"Did you give her the letter?" she asked, her head whipping back towards him.
"Kathy," he said, refusing to let her delude them out of what had been staring them in the face for years at this point. "I'm going to move out."
She stared blankly at him, trying to conclude just how serious he was. She knew that he was. And if the clothes and other items that she had noticed that had gone missing from his room over the last few weeks were any indication, he'd already started the process.
"Did you. Give her. The letter, Elliot?" she asked again, her anger bubbling back to the surface.
He just stared at her, deciding to ignore her question since she was opting to ignore his statement. He had refused, to this point, to acknowledge any mention of Ohlivia. He didn't want Kathy to zone in on her as being the sole reason for his decision. She wasn't. He and Kathy had their share of issues. They didn't need anyone else to contribute to them. But still, he needed to tell her. Avoiding the subject entirely, just felt wrong. Like he was trying to hide his love for her, what that love had created. Hide their daughter. And that didn't sit well with any part of his being.
"I want you to know," he started up again, "that until," he stuttered, taking in a breath. "Until, that night of the shooting, at the precinct…nothing happened between us."
"Until that night…" Kathy whispered softly. Her memory of those days immediatlely after the incident coming back to here as vividly as they were as she lived through them. Not being able to get into contact with her husband, after having learned of the tragedy. Knowning he had been there, in danger. Knowing he had been involved. And still, not hearing a single word from him until he had shown up on their porch four days later.
She always had her suspicions about the two of them. She had even outright accused him to his face on more than one occassion. But to have him here, admiting to it…that was just soul crushing.
"You son of a bitch!" she spat at him. "How could you, Elliot? I was worried sick about you," he hung his head in shame. "Your children, they were all worried. Asking when you were going to come home. If you'd been injured or killed and I just wasn't telling them."
"Kathy, I'm sor-," he tried, but she didn't let him finish.
"And the entire time, you were laid up with that whore," she spat, seethingly.
"Kathy," he growled, meeting her eyes again in warning. She had known. That was one of the reasons she had said it. To piss him off. He always came to her rescue, rather she needed it or not. Always defended her, even against his own wife.
"Fuck you, Elliot," she told him as she leaned in closer to him, letting him know that she wasn't intimidated by his rising anger. "And fuck her too. That bitch, after all that pretending…acting like a friend, that fake concern. She was fucking my husband behind my back."
"I told you nothing happened before that night. This wasn't an affair," he pushed back, wanting to protect Olivia's reputation more than his own. "It's why I left. Why I tried to leave…I went to Italy to give it some time. You weren't supposed to follow me."
"I had your children, Elliot!" Kathy screamed at him, and he breifly did a quick scan of the two houses that flanked them to make sure they weren't drawing an audience. "Or does that not fucking matter. I guess nothing matters to you as long as you can find your way back between Olivia's legs."
"Kathy, stop it," he snarled. He wouldn't let her cheapen this.
"Or what Elliot? Or what?" she asked, leaning in even more. "You've already decided to break up your children's home to move into her bed."
"I'm not moving in with her," he explained. "Liz and Dickie, they'll be gone soon. They don' t need me here. They don't need us to be…"
"What about Eli? Or does he not factor into this? Huh, Elliot? What about that little boy, asleep upstairs in the house that all of his siblings were raised in. With their mother and father. Does he not get to have the same upbringing. Huh? What about him?" she finished.
'He should have been hers.' He squeezed his eyes shut at the thought. He'd fucked up. So many times. It was hard for him to remember them all at this point. He found the next words leaving his mouth before he had time to consciously think about them.
"She has a daughter," he paused. Silence.
He could sense his wife slowly deflating next to him as the weight of the words finally settled onto her.
"No," she whispered as she felt her eyes pooling with the tears she'd been holding at bay. He couldn't be saying what she thought he was trying to say. It was the one thing she had always had over the woman. She had given him his children. She was the mother of his children. Mother. Singular. And he loved his children more than anything on this earth. He would do anything for them and by extension, their mother…she, was always a top priority to him.
"We," he stressed the word as he decided he needed to correct himself, "have a daughter." At this the tears sprang to his eyes. Yes, he had utterly fucked this up. His baby girl and her mother, didn't deserve to be dragged into this. Didn't deserve his absence at a time when he should have been there for the both of them. His other children. They didn't deseve this. Not even Kathy. All of this, he had done. He had tried to protect all of them. Take care of all of them as best he could. Keep all of them happy and whole, to the detriment of his own happiness and wholeness. But he had done it willingly, gladly. But in doing so, in the way he had gone about it, he accomplished the exact opposite of what he had wanted to. He had hurt them all.
He had tried to live by the words of his religion, and yes, he knew he had failed at multiple turns. But he had thought he had at least managed to get the general concept right. But he was starting to see that by trying to avoid what he truly felt in his heart, he built and housed his loved ones in a house built on an unstable foundation. And that had him questioning his faith as he knew it.
His eyes met back with the blond's as he realized they had been sitting in silence for a while now. She was still glaring at him, seemingly lost in her own thoughts until the eye contact brought her back to their current predicament.
"You got her pregnant," she stated plainly, still trying to fully process the information.
"I need…I need to be in her life. I need to be there for her. She's my daughter."
"And what about your fucking son!" she snapped. "Are you just going to abandon him so Olivia's kid can have the life neither of them deserve? The life that was meant for my babies? He's your son, Elliot. Eli, is your son."
"I know that," he snapped back. He didn't like the way that she was trying to covertly imply that Eli was more his child, should be more of a priorty for him than Isabella. They were both his children. And he loved them both immensly. He was their father. And he didn't plan on letting either one of them down, more than he already had. "And I'm not abandoning him. I will still be his father. I want him to…I want to split custody."
She scoffed, "If you think for one second I am letting my son anywhere near that bitch and her little bastard…"
"Enough!" he bellowed, not being able to hold back at that comment. She glared at him, nostrils flaring. But she remained silent, and he continued. "You will not talk about my daughter like that, Kath. We have a lot of fucking history, you and I. But that is my kid. And you will respect that fact. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, Elliot," she began," I understand. But I need you to understand me. You leave this house, you can forget about seeing Eli. I may not be able to do anything about any of the other kids, but honestly, I doubt they would want anything to do with you after finding out the truth anyway." She could tell her words were landing the blows she inteded them to. "But I will do everything in my power to keep my baby from being pulled into your bullshit."
"He's my son," Elliot told her, trying to regain control of his anger. "You can't keep him away from me."
"Watch me," came her quick reply. They stared each other down for a few seconds before she started again. "Now if you are going to run off to be with your mistress, I want you to leave before my children get back."
"Kathy," he tried. This discussion wasn't finish, obviously. He wasn't just going to sit back and let her block him from his children's lives like she had threatened.
"Get the fuck away from my house, Elliot," she glared at him. She stood abruptly and made her way into the house. He stayed in his spot, watching her. He heard the latch to the lock turn and he knew that that was a more symbolic gesture as he had the key. But she needed to make it clear that he was no longer welcomed in the home they had built over the years.
Either way, it was probably for the best. No sense in dragging out the process of him moving out. He knew one thing though. He needed to get to his older children before their mother managed to pit them against him. He knew he had at least had until morning. She wouldn't be calling Kathleen or Maureen in the middle of the night about this. Her sister…well she was probably on the phone with her by this point. The twins would get home late and not really care or want to be bothered with anything but a hot meal and their beds when they did.
He pulled out his phone and typed out a quick text to his four oldest.
"Breakfast with Dad tomorrow. No excuses.
I need to talk to you guys about something.
It's really important."
He hit send before standing from the porch swing. He fished his car keys out of his coat pocket as he made his way back down the stairs. Tonight would be the first night he would be staying at his new place. He was both looking forward to it and dreading it. He knew it was unlikely he would be getting any sleep tonight, espescially when the texts confirming the discussion he would be having with his older kids started to come through.
A/N: Okay, updates will probably continue to be sporadic as no one seems to be interested. So I will continue this story as I feel inspired to. Idk, maybe too many stories with similar plots or maybe it just sucks lol. Idk, because I'm not getting much feedback *shoulder shrug*.
