Back with another chapter... and it's only been a week, winning. I am excited to post this one, this chapter is what I had in mind when the whole story came together.
Any medical stuff is purely based on research and personal experience with my own pregnancy.
Errors still remain mine so apologize for any and all you may come upon.
After the confrontation at the Chateau, I choose to dive into work and distract myself. John B had tried to stop by to talk but I made sure to be out or not come back to the apartment until late. I was working more, picked up more shifts at the country club and made sure to open the daycare and close at the Wreck. Sarah kept a close eye on me. I tried to hide that I wasn't sleeping, and when she was around, I made sure to eat, even if it was just a piece of toast. The truth be told, I was still getting sick most days and unable to regulate a regular diet.
It had been two weeks since the night I told JJ, and since then he had tried calling me a few times and showed up at The Wreck twice. The first time it had been busy, and he had found a seat in the corner watching me, waiting. By the time I was off I snuck out the back and away before he knew I had gone. I couldn't get past our argument, past what he said. Maybe part of me felt guilty. If I had been upfront about everything sooner, maybe we would be doing all this together, I wouldn't be looking for apartments, or baby supplies alone. I wouldn't be stressing alone. But I didn't tell him, I didn't tell any of them and now every time I see any of the Pogues all I see is pity.
Closing Sundays gave me time to think. I was left alone to close The Wreck and I had been using the time to research apartments in the area. Sitting at the counter I sucked on some ice chips an open newspaper in front of me when the door opened.
"Sorry we're closed." I called slowly looking up to find JJ standing in the doorway. He looked nervous, and I would have called him out if I hadn't been shocked and bit unsure myself.
"Hey." He said hands in his pockets.
"Uh… Hi?" I scowl.
"You have a second?" he asked.
"Sure." I said quietly.
"I've been trying to call…trying to figure out what to say…"
"You don't have to say anything JJ." I said watching as he walked further into the room.
"I don't want you to think that I am just going to walk away." He said, "I wish you had told me sooner, I would have been there at the start you know. I wish you would have called me when your mom went nuts."
"You want to know why she really kicked me out?" I asked quietly as he raised an eyebrow at me taking a seat. "It wasn't for running my mouth, she found the test I took… or the fifth or sixth one… and she wanted to 'fix' the problem." I could see his brain putting together the pieces of the story as his brows knit together.
"She didn't like when I told her the mistake in our family was her not me." I smiled remembering her expression when I told her off. "And after attempting to slap some sense into me, she told me I could either fix my mistake or leave… so I left."
"She hit you?" JJ state quickly sitting up straight.
"Slapped," I correct and shook my head when he was about to call me out for defending her. "And I barely felt it. I didn't even hesitate. I didn't know where I was going but I left and it felt… amazing… until reality hit." I stated.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there." He said.
"Don't be. I made the choice."
"You don't have to do any of this alone. You aren't alone I mean." He stumbled over his words clearing his throat. "You have people to lean on, you don't have to…"
"Ugh… you sound like Sarah." I rolled my eyes standing up to grab a rag from behind the counter.
"She's right. She's in the middle because you are trying to do this alone. You won't talk to any of us, what are you trying to prove…"
"Everything JJ!" I nearly shouted. "I need to know I can do this."
"Alone?"
"JJ…" I started but my nausea hit me full force and I could feel the blood drain from my face and I watched as JJ's paled with concern as I covered my mouth and ran into the back. Fortunately, or unfortunately for me I hadn't eaten more than ice chips in the last several hours so aside from water it was all dive heaves.
"Kail?" I heard JJ call and the squeak of the door opening. Exhausted and slightly dizzy sat on the ground pushing the trash can away leaning against the wall. "What… are you okay?"
"Morning sickness." I breathed out. "Well… all day for me."
"What can I do?" he asked standing above me.
"Nothing." I sighed standing up using the wall for support. "I need to finish and close up."
"But…"
"Let it go JJ." I said walking away tired.
He stayed until closing but didn't say much after that. He walked me back to Sarah's but I didn't wait for him to say good night before walking inside. I was ashamed and a bit embarrassed about everything. Not the baby, but my reactions, my choices, it wasn't me, but I couldn't be weak not now. Sarah wasn't home when I got in which was fine, because if she had seen me, she would have called Dr. McKinny and taken me in.
Once I showered, I laid down and fell into a restless night sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I felt worse for wear. I started my morning off in the bathroom as normal but this morning getting off the tile floor was harder than normal. I was tired and a bit off balance. Taking a glass of water, I relished the cold liquid before changing into my clothes for the day at the school I exited the guest room and went to the kitchen grabbing a banana.
"Hey your up." Sarah said from the couch, putting her computer on the table she moved to the kitchen. "You look pale are you okay?"
"Fine just need something to eat." I held up the fruit.
"You have bags under your eyes and are like really pale Kail." She had that look in her eyes and I knew what was coming. "Maybe you should call Joyce."
"My appointment is next week." I sighed. "I think I can last a few more days."
"Kail, you are not okay." Sarah deadpanned. "Why don't you take the day off and rest. Your allowed to do that you know."
"I can't I open at the daycare today, and then I close tonight…"
"Do you see what you are doing to yourself? This isn't health… even if you weren't pregnant." Sarah said frustrated. "You are pale, like really pale right now, I can see your hands shaking from here, and I am pretty sure you have lost weight. This isn't good, not just for you but for the baby too, you have to start thinking…"
"I am thinking of the baby." I snapped. "That's all I think about, its why I don't sleep. Its why I work as much as I do."
"Why? It's not like you are alone. You won't let anyone help you, you are determined to prove your mom wrong that you are working yourself into the ground and not seeing that it's destroying you."
"It's not just my mom!" I said loudly and as soon as the words left my mouth, I leaned on the counter and took a deep breath. "I need to know I can do this. That I am not going to screw this kids up, that I can actually be a good mother and not turn into mine."
"No one thinks that."
"I do." I admitted quietly. "Every time I slow down, I see myself turning into her."
Sarah didn't respond right away. She stood there unsure. "Is that why you are looking for apartments?"
"Huh?"
"JJ said he stopped by yesterday. Aside from you being sick, he said you had apartment ads out." She explained. "You don't have to leave, you know that right? I'm going to throw you out. I want you here."
"It's not that simple Sarah. This is your apartment not mine, this is your place that you pay for. You won't let me pay you any portion of the rent. Its not fair for you to house not only myself but a baby. You and John B deserve to have your time together without me in the way." I explained all energy to argue leaving my body.
"You are not in the way." Sarah shook her head. "Kailynn, I'm worried about you."
"I'm fine." I smiled softly. "I have to go. I'll talk to you later." Before she could respond I was out the door and heading down the street. The pre-school was only a few blocks from Sarah's apartment. I had been working afterschool at the Pre-School since my sophomore year and full time in the summer. I loved the environment, and the kids. If I had to consider a future of any kind, coming to the school each day certainly didn't seem like a bad option.
Walking to the door, I unlocked the door and quickly walked in and set my purse in the back office. I then started setting out all the supplies for the kids for the day. I ignored my pounding head and aching muscles as kids started getting dropped off, and before I knew it, the playroom was full of kids laughing and babbling about everything and anything. I couldn't help but smile as I watched them.
Sitting on the floor with a little girl around three, I listened to her talk 100 miles an hour while she colored her rendition of a unicorn and a princess, when the owner and head teacher of the daycare came in instructing the kids to clean up their areas and head outside for recess. The little girl jumped from her spot next to me handing me her picture before running towards her cubby to put on her shoes. Standing up I suddenly got dizzy and had to use the table for support as I stumbled and took a deep breath.
"Whoa." Ally, a woman ten years older than me, the head teacher and a close friend of my said coming up beside me, her hand on my back. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." I said closing my eyes pushing the spots and weak feeling down shaking my head. "I think I just got up to fast."
"Are you sure?" she asked concerned. Finally feeling stable enough, I stood up straight and smiled, hoping to ease her worry. "You have been looking kind of pale recently, are you getting sick?"
"No." I said confidently. "No, just tired."
"Maybe you should go home."
"I think I'm good now, just need to move a bit slower." I said but she wasn't buying it. "Trust me I'm fine."
"Okay." She said a bit unsure. "Will you pick up the reading area for nap time?"
"Sure." I nodded. She looked like she wanted to say more but resigned herself to go outside with the other teacher. With a breath of relief, I walked over to the reading circle and started putting the books scattered on the floor on the shelf and laying out the mats. Bending over I grabbed a blanket from the bin prepared to lay it out on a mat when the black spots filled my vision again. I could feel myself pale and stumble as I tried to clear the spots. The world around me seemed to move in slow motion, through my blurred vision I could see the sliding door across the room open and I thought I heard someone say something. But when I closed my eyes to try and clear my vision my knees gave out and then I was falling. The last thing I felt before I fell into blackness was a shooting pain in my head and then nothing.
JJ POV
I stood on the dock looking out at the coast. The last two weeks had put my head in a tailspin… hell the last month. Since graduation night I couldn't get Kail from my head, we had both been drinking but it didn't feel like we were. It felt good to just finally be with her after all these years. Having watched her go out with douche bags and get her heart broken wrecked me, but I could never get enough courage to say anything. After that night, waking up alone the pit grew in my stomach and then hearing her say it was nothing.
Then suddenly she was avoiding us. Ignoring me. When I confronted her at The Wreck that night I thought maybe I could figure it out but then she had told me to leave. Told me she couldn't forget about. That night and the nights after I drank just to forget about what she said.
"I'm Pregnant!" her words were on repeat since she spoke them. I had never even considered being a parent. After my mom left and my dad… what good would I be at being a parent? All I did know is what ever I was feeling was nothing compared to Kail and what she had been dealing with alone, I hadn't been there, she choose not to tell me and it pissed me off. I was ready when I walked into The Wreck last night to put my foot down, to let her know I was upset, but the moment I saw her it all faded. She looked exhausted and for lack of better words 'frail'.
In all the time I had known her there had only been a few times that she had looked like that and it had been rough. At that point, I realized she didn't need anyone else telling her she was wrong, she needed support, but of course she was stubborn.
"Yo." John B called from the house. I looked over my shoulder nodding to him as he walked down the dock. "What's up man?"
"Nothin', boss gave me half the day off, something about thinking I needed to clear my head or something." I shrugged with a dry laugh.
"Yeah and how's that going?"
"Fuck if I know." I stated leaning my head down running my hand through my hair. "What the hell am I supposed to do man? Anything I do just… it doesn't feel like enough."
"Dude, you and Kail need to have an actual conversation." He said jumping up onto the railing.
"I tried, and it's like she can't even look at me." I said frustrated gripping the railing before taking a deep breath. "I don't think she's ever hated me like this before."
"She doesn't hate you man." John B sighed and I turned rolling my eyes at him. "You two have tip toed the line of friendship and more for years. One of you needs to grow a pair and fess up your feeling for the other. That's what started this whole thing. I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner…. Er… the sleeping together, not the whole baby thing."
"You want a female opinion?" Sarah called coming up towards us.
"Hey babe." John B smiled jumping down and wrapping his arms around her.
"Sure why not." I answered leaning back on the rail.
"You messed up the other night." She stated bluntly. I could see John B tense, but I didn't react. She wasn't wrong, I knew I had said things out of anger that I should have. "She's stubborn and hard headed and she is struggling with feeling like a burden. She would openly push you away without a reason, and as rash as it is she is giving you an out, or trying to." I scowled at her confused. "The last think she wants is to hold any of us back, we have seen it for years with her. I think her pushing you away is her way of ensuring you won't hate her or resent her later on."
"I couldn't, wouldn't do that to her." I sighed.
"I know that, and you know that but she… she has had to deal with being the outcome of regret her whole life. Her mother has made it extremely clear that she wasn't wanted. She doesn't want to be another regret to someone…"
"But I don't regret it!" I stated loudly. "I don't regret anything that happened. I don't see it as a mistake, I don't wish it never happened. The only thing I regret is that I made her feel like she had to do it alone."
"Then prove it to her."
"How?"
"I can't answer that, but she needs to see you want it." Sarah said giving me a soft smile.
"I do want it, and it scares the crap out of me how much I want it. I don't know the first thing about being a dad, I didn't really have a great role model." I turned around to face the horizon again and put my head in my hands. "She's my best friend."
"You guys will figure it out." Sarah said behind me. I felt her hands come around my back and rub it comfortingly.
"Yeah, plus that kid will have a whole bunch of support, we're all here and we aren't letting either of you do it alone." John B added and I smiled thinking of all the people that we had around us. Nodding I chuckled as Sarah's phone rang. I watched as she took a few steps away and just like that my heart dropped with the panicked look on Sarah's face.
"Sarah?" I asked standing up straight. She put her finger up to me as she scowled.
"Is she okay?" she asked I the lump in my throat grew as I turned to look at John B. "Yeah… no I'm on my way."
"Babe?" John B asked moving past me as Sarah hung up her phone. She looked up between John B and I and swallowed.
"Um Kail…" she said quietly like she couldn't figure out what to say. "She … she passed out at the pre-school."
"Is she okay?" I asked quickly.
"They took her to the hospital, that was Ally." She answered turning.
"Okay let's go." John B said reaching into his pocket to pull out his keys. I followed behind still trying wrap my head around everything. I was quiet as Sarah sat in the front seat calling The Wreck and the Club house and John B navigated through traffic. My head was in a spiral, what if something happens to her, what if something happens to the baby… what ifs… that's all I could think about. Before I knew it we were pulling up to the emergency room. As Sarah and John B headed towards the entrance, I stayed by the car.
"JJ you coming man?" John B turned to me. He nodded for Sarah to head inside and he came back to stand by me.
"I don't know man, I'm sure she would rather I'm not there." I shrugged.
"Come on Jay. You are probably the only other person she wants here." I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah right. Maybe a few months ago that was true."
"You gotta stop man, enough of the sulking about. This time you need to put it all aside and get inside for your Kail and your baby. We don't know what happened or what's wrong, but we are not going to sit here and figure it out." He said nudging my arm and I groaned following him into the main lobby.
I hated hospitals, always have the smell of disinfectant was nauseating and the bright iridescent lights always game me a headache but I wasn't focused on any of that. Once we got through the sliding doors, I found Sarah at the front desk talking with the receptionist. My heart was pounding as John B led us over to his girlfriend as she turned around.
"Okay she's being looked at right now. They said the doctor will be out shortly to talk to us." She explained.
"Do they know she's pregnant?" I asked quickly and Sarah turned to me.
"She's going to be fine." She said her hand on my arm. We didn't have to wait long before a doctor came out calling on the family of Kailynn. We all stood, and he looked at us skeptically. "How is she?"
"Are you all family?"
"I'm her emergency contact." Sarah said quickly. "And they are basically family."
"I'm sorry I can't release information to anyone but who is on my list." The doctor apologized.
"This is JJ. He should be on the contact list." Sarah argued and the Doctor looked over to me before nodding and looking at John B.
"It's fine, I have to make a few calls anyway. Let me know what you find out." John B said giving Sarah a kiss on her cheek. She smiled before turning back to the doctor.
"Okay, well Ms. Evans lost consciousness while at her place of work today. She hit her head as she fell and has a mild concussion and we had to stitch up a cut above her left eye." The doctor explained.
"Do we know why this happened?" Sarah asked.
"Running some tests it appears she was malnourished and may be anemic."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that the red blood cells that carry the oxygen throughout her body are lower than normal, it's likely the cause of her recent fatigue and dizziness."
"Dizziness, she never said anything." Sarah scowled.
"That doesn't surprise me, most cases are mistaken as overworking or getting up to fast."
"She's been sick, like morning sickness, but all the time, could that have contributed?" Sarah asked.
"Absolutely. In fact, I am going to take a guess that the malnutrition is probably due to the sickness you're referring to." The Doctor explained.
"What about the baby?" I asked my voice strained and weaker than I would have liked.
"We called her OB and she will be here tomorrow morning to do a thorough check up but during our preliminary work up we were able to get a good fetal heartbeat." The doctor gave a sympathetic smile. "As for Ms. Evans, I am sure she will have a headache and be tired and sore, but we are giving her fluids to help, and she is resting."
"Can we see her?" I asked before Sarah had the chance. With a smile he stepped to the side and let us go through the double doors. "Sarah… how'd you know my name was a contact?"
"I was there when she filled out the forms a few weeks ago Jay, your name was one the first lines she filled out." She explained and I was left speechless. I had this whole idea that she had been ignoring me cutting me out, but she hadn't been.
KAILYNN POV
My head was pounding when I finally came back to consciousness, but I wasn't on the floor of the pre-school. I was in a bed, in a room with the lights turned down, an IV in my arm under light white sheets. I cursed as my brain finally put the pieces together. When the doctor came in a little while later, he explained everything, explained I had six stitches in my head, explained I passed out from malnutrition and that I had something that caused my blood to lack oxygen, but I didn't care about any of that. My hands protectively went to my stomach and the doctor got a doppler allowing me to hear for myself that my baby was okay. After that I relaxed into the pillow a little and he excused himself.
Turning to the side I watched the heart monitor as it beeped beside me and watched the monitor as it made mountains across the screen until there was a knock on my door. Turning I squinted as the light from the hall filled the small room. Sarah walked in with unshed tears. She quickly shut the door behind her and quickly walked to my side tossing her purse to the chair.
"Hey." She smiled taking my hand. "How're your feeling?"
"Like an idiot," I rolled my eyes. "I'm fine Sarah."
"I am going to ban that word Kail." She said shaking her head. "You are not okay… this is not okay."
"I know." My voice cracked. "I'm sorry."
"We can talk about it all later. You just need to rest okay." She sighed. "I called the Carrera's and The Country Club, and John B is calling Kie and Pope."
"Thanks." I said quietly looking at my hands.
"JJ's outside the door." She added and I looked up confused. "I was with him and John B when they called me."
"Is he okay?"
"Is he okay? Kail… he is worried sick about you. Has been since you told him, and if am being honest probably since you stopped talking to him. He misses you."
"I know… I know." I said and looked up at the ceiling letting the water in my eyes roll down to my ears. "I'm scared…"
"So is he." She said brushing my cheek. She sat by me for a few more minutes before I sighed and turned to my friend.
"Will you bring him in?" I asked and she nodded getting up and walking to the door I watched as she opened the door and walked out before pushing the door open and ushering JJ into the room. He looked uncomfortable and unsure. He stayed rooted in place by the door.
"I'm going to go check on John B." Sarah said looking between us before walking out the door. Once we were alone the room was quiet with the heart monitor beeping obnoxiously to my right. I fidgeted with the blanket and avoided his eye contact as he stepped forward. I heard the scraping of the chair on the floor as he pulled it to the bed side and sat down.
"JJ, I owe you an apology." I finally spoke still looking at my hands. "I should have told you sooner."
"What I said to you was out of line, I know you and shouldn't have…"
"It's fine."
"It's not." JJ stated firmly. "And neither is this. The call Sarah got, it felt like when we thought John B was lost at sea, or when my dad bailed. You're not doing this alone, not anymore."
JJ stayed in the room the rest of the day and some how convinced the nurses to let him stay through the night. Sleep was rough as they kept coming in every hour to two hours to check my blood pressure, and at one point they brough me broth from the kitchen to see if I could keep it down. Surprisingly I did which seemed to make the doctor happy. By the time morning rolled around I was exhausted and stir crazy. I didn't want to be here any longer, every time I closed my eyes I saw my failure, raising a baby with no money because I couldn't work. They were irrational fears, but they took over my every thought. Turning in the bed I found JJ folded uncomfortably on the chair in the corner, a blanket haphazardly hanging over his legs.
I felt bad, I knew he was just as tired and that chair was definitely not helping, but he stayed the whole night, intently listening to the doctor each time he came in. I had only been out of the bed a few times since being admitted and my legs were aching to move. Swinging them over the bed I held onto the IV pole and used the bed as leverage to push myself up. Holding my breath, I stood for a few seconds making sure my head wasn't spinning and my legs wouldn't give out before I started shuffling across the room.
"What do you think you are doing?" JJ grumbled from the corner of the room.
"I have to pee." I stated without turning around. I could hear a groan and shuffling and then there was movement behind me. "I can walk to the bathroom by myself you know."
"The last time you were on your own two feet you passed out, forgive me if don't trust your judgement." He stated and I stuck my tongue out at him. After making sure I made it he waited outside the door before helping me back to the bed. Before I could confront JJ about the way he watched me there was a knock at the door. Dr. McKinny poked her head in.
"How we feeling?" she asked with a comforting smile.
"Tired, and like an idiot." I admitted.
"I definitely want to talk about that however, I know how anxious we are to make sure baby is doing okay so what do you say we take a look?" she said pulling in a machine behind her. "I figured we can just do your twelve week work up now rather than next week, what do you say?"
"Sure." I said with a small smile but my voice gave away my nerves. I cautiously watched as she wheeled the car to my right side and started turning items on. I was so focused on Joyce that I didn't see JJ move to my left and place a hand on my shoulder. My heart jumped and I looked up at him. I could see the anxiety written on his face but he squeezed my shoulder still in comfort. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes hoping his hand on my shoulder would ground me.
"You must be JJ." Joyce state and my eyes shot open looking at the doctor and then up at JJ.
"Shoot, yeah. Jay this is Dr. McKinny." I directed JJ's attention to the doctor before gesturing to him. "This is JJ, the… um… the father." I struggled to say. It still felt weird to say out loud.
"Well, it's a pleasure." Dr. McKinny said sincerely. "Okay Kail will you pull down the blanket and lift your gown up please?" I nodded and nervously pushed the blanket to my hips before lifting the thin gown up exposing my stomach. I felt my cheeks warm as I realized JJ was right there. What was I nervous about, JJ has seen me in a bikini, hell he saw me naked, this was nothing, and yet I felt more exposed then ever. The only silver lining was that he was shifting from foot to foot just as unsure as I was. Dr. McKinny rolled a stool over to the bed before pulling out the gel. "This will be cold okay."
"Are you sure we'll be able to see anything? isn't the baby like really small?" JJ asked watching the doctor intently as she squeezes the bottle under by belly button.
"The baby is small at this point about… 2 inches," She explained holding her gloved finger and thumb out indicating, "about the size of a passion fruit if you will, but … if we put the camera just right…" she said looking at the screen as she spoke moving the wand over my skin. I couldn't bring myself to look, what if I did something, what if I caused all this drama for nothing. "Right there." She said clicking a button the computer but all I heard was JJs gasp and his hand squeeze my shoulder. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and turned slowly opening them. The monitor was grey, and it was hard to make anything out, but without a doubt there in the center was an open space and in the middle was the outline of a tiny baby.
"Oh my god." I whispered feeling the tears well in my eyes. "That's…"
"Our baby." JJ finished.
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