96itadakimasu96: The only under control class in the whole program.
Bechloe-4evs: I want to make a LOST pun about constants, but I'll refrain.
AntiqueSoul83: Gotta catch em all.
Erikuhj: There is a reason the story is named after heart palpations. -wink-
SunDanceQT: Assuming he knows much.
Cinnamonglaive: Thank YOU for reading.


Dysrhythmia


Maybe this time,
Maybe this time I'll outwit my past;
I'll throw away the numbers, the keys,
And all the cards.
Maybe I can carve out a living in the cold,
At the outskirts of some city.
I'll extinguish all my recent pasts;
Become another man again.
And have a quiet life.
- Teho Teardo


There is a notebook on the side table demanding to know what her brother knows and an ache in her head telling her she's been through enough already and needs to stop. The bedroom wall against her back slows her down as she sinks to the ground next to the bed. The room spins in dizzying circles around her and desperation for more air dries her throat. She clenches her teeth and tries to slow down and breathe through her nose. Somewhere in this house is Xanax, but in the moment, she can't remember where Julia said she put it.

Bark stands on her leg and barks at her. It is the opposite of helpful and she tries to push him away. He zooms around the room and launches himself off the bed then resumes his original position and ear-splitting noise.

Aubrey doesn't even hear the bedroom door open – only the silence from the dog that comes after. Footsteps walk away and then come back again. Someone presses a pill into one of her palms and it takes her a second to realize a glass of water is being put in the other hand. She places the glass on the floor once she's finished and leans sideways until her body connects with another person. It doesn't surprise her that the other person is Chloe's mom. "I'm not going out there again."

"Okay." Julia nods. "Okay." She eases her upright and forward until her head is between her knees. "Deep breaths. What happened?"

"My apartment is gone," Beca says as she walks in the room, and Aubrey lifts her head, "Wanna know what happened to it? It burned. In a fire. While we were on a little island in the middle of nowhere, watching the rest of our lives go up in flames." She grins, and, yeah, Aubrey can see now why her bursts of laughter concern everyone around her.

"I'm sorry, Beca," Julia says.

"My brother is here," Aubrey whispers.

"I thought he was in jail," Beca replies, smile still wide.

"Not him. My other brother."

"The one who helped cause all this? I'm going to kill him."

"Beca, wait!" Aubrey nearly tumbles forward then uses the bed to pull herself up. The Xanax makes her feel if she doesn't hold onto something, she'll float straight up into the clouds.

"What's his name again?" Beca is already a the front door by the time Aubrey reaches the end of the hallway.

"Stop!"

"Beca, hold on," Julia calls after her.

Beca alternates between taking the stairs one and two at a time. "Hey, Asshole!"

Liam stands up from his spot in the curb.

"Beca, stop!" Aubrey takes the stairs one at a time as quickly as she can with vertigo fighting against her. She puts herself between the two of them, no longer sure if she's hyperventilating or panting.

"Wait, are you protecting him?" Beca asks.

Old habits die hard. "Just let him go."

"Let him go? My apartment is gone, partly because of him. Chloe is a coma, partly because of him. My dad and all of our friends are dead, partly because of him."

Aubrey steps to the side when Beca tries to get around her. "You don't think I know that? You know what else I know? He's not malicious, he's a fucking idiot."

Beca laughs and rubs her forehead. "I'm starting to think it runs in the family." She goes at him again and Aubrey shoves her back. "Are you serious right now?" She pushes her back.

"Guys, that's enough," Julia says.

There is a familiar adrenaline running through Aubrey's veins – one that she hasn't felt in years. Not since the last time she stood between Liam and her father, taking the blame for whatever he did wrong. And as much as she wants to move, she can't. She can only knock Beca back a second time then raise her arms up to defend herself against the retaliation.

"Hey!" Noah barks from the gate.

Aubrey and Liam both startle as Beca and Julia turn around.

"Knock it off," Noah says.

Beca hits her sides with her hands. "Fine. I'm done. Let him just walk away."

Aubrey turns to look at Liam. That baby face of his is still the same. Even his haircut is still exactly how she remembers it – not quite short enough to be a buzz cut but not long enough to be normal. He always looked like he missed haircut day at boot camp.

"Thank you," he breathes.

Rage burns inside of her. From every hit she took. Every time she was thrown to the ground. Every belt smack. Every slap across the face. From when she first saw him and he held her finger with his entire hand and she vowed never to let anyone hurt him until this moment, he never put a single thought into how his actions might come back on her. Never. "You don't care about anybody but yourself. I am done with you." She turns to walk away.

"I always tried to be nice to, Aubrey. But you have always been like this. What is your problem?"

"You. You are my problem."

"Aubrey, let's go inside." Julia extends a hand out toward her. "Come on."

"You can't spend your whole life blaming me because Mom and Dad didn't like you! Maybe if you just did what you were told."

Aubrey whips around. "I always did what I was told."

"You never did what you were told. And now look where you are."

"Because of you. You did this."

"You abandoned us. Forgive me for talking about it with someone I thought was my friend," Liam replies.

"This is what you guys always do. You always find a way to make it my fault."

"Like you're so much better. You walked around like the world was so unfair and you deserved so much better than us – but you're just like us."

Aubrey's fist is on fire, begging to collide with his face. "No." She backs up against Julia's outstretched arm. "I'm not."

"Is that what your friend thinks?" Liam asks.

"You have no idea what I think," Beca says, "You're lucky she won't let me kill you, so you should probably shut up."

"I'm proud of you," Julia whispers in her ear and tightens her arm around her shoulders. She places her other hand on the back of Beca's neck and guides them both toward the stairs. "Get out of here," she says over her shoulder, "Before I call the police."

"It's not fair that you get everything good and JJ and I get nothing. What did you do to earn it?"

She works hard and does the best she can with what she was given. That has to count for something, right? She rubs her face and takes one stair at a time like she's dragging herself up a mountain. The bursts of adrenaline followed by the hard crashes are a strain physically and emotionally.

"I'm sorry," Julia says and releases Beca to open the door.

"For what?" Aubrey asks.

"For thinking it was no one at the door."

It isn't hard to see why anyone would think she's paranoid. Aubrey accepts the apology with a nod. "I'm sorry I pushed you," she tells Beca.

Beca clenches her teeth and cringes. "I see where this is going," she says, "But I'm not sorry for intending to beat the shit out of your brother. I'd still like to go down there and go through with it."

"I wish I could let you."

"Why can't you?" Beca asks.

"Because he's my brother."

"Doesn't seem like he'd do much to protect you."

"I'm a better person that he is," Aubrey reiterates Beca's words from the night before.

"How about we turn on a movie while we wait for dinner?" Julia suggests.

Aubrey is fairly certain she just doesn't want her turning in for the night before eating. She drops down on the couch and picks up the remote.

"Why do you get to choose?" Beca asks.

"You know, I think you're the brother I wish I had," Aubrey comments.

"Wouldn't that be incestuous?" Beca mouths. "Dude, ow!"

xxxxx

"Maybe you'd be more hungry for food if you ate less of your fingernails," Beca comments after dinner, "You're bleeding."

Aubrey tucks her hands beneath her arms. The skin around each of her nails is raw and sore, but no amount of pain or self-control can compare to the anxiety of another day coming to an end. Awake, she's home. Sleep takes her back there with no promise of bringing her back. And now she has Liam's words stuck in her head. Why did her life change while theirs stayed exactly the same? The answer itself isn't a mystery. Someone changed it. But why? There's also another question nagging at her. "How did your apartment burn down while we were all there?"

"They didn't say it was arson."

"Right. It's just a coincidence that your apartment burned down while our lives were on fire as well." Without her nails to bite on anymore, she chews her lower lip. "How many people could have been in on this? Why? And who goes to this extent just to keep two people apart? And why burn down your own home?"

"I don't know. I'm as in the dark here as you are, Aubrey. I don't know."

"I'm sorry about your things." She tries to say it in a way that doesn't sound like she's on the verge of screaming into the nearest pillow. "If you make a list, maybe we can replace them."

Beca bursts out laughing. "If you make a list, maybe we can replace them," she mocks Aubrey's voice.

"Why is that funny?"

"Guys, come on." Julia walks from the kitchen into the living room, drying wet hands on the sides of her pants. "Not everything has to be a fight all the time."

Aubrey shakes her head and looks away, her eyes suddenly stinging from exhaustion. She was trying to help. But if Beca doesn't want to replace her things, so be it.

"Fine, I'm sorry," Beca says, "I'll make a list."

Aubrey's phone vibrates and she pulls it out of her pocket. A text from Howie asking if they can talk. She tosses it face down on the coffee table. How many people died in that apartment fire? Beca and Jesse couldn't have been the only people living in the building.

"Do you wanna turn in for the night?" Julia asks.

Yes and no. "I think I'm going to go sit with Chloe for awhile."

"Please let someone drive you."

It isn't worth the argument. "Yeah, okay."

"I'll go," Noah volunteers from the kitchen.

"Do you solemnly swear that you are going to go where you're meant to and then come straight back?" Julia asks.

"No."

"Then not a chance. Come on, I'll take you."

"We could both go and you can keep me in line," Noah suggests.

"Beca, you gonna come to?" Julia asks.

"The guys are still here, right?" Beca asks.

"Yeah, I think they're out back."

"I think I'll just stay. I have things to do…with the house."

"Like what?" Aubrey asks.

"Cooome on." Julia pulls her up by the hand. "Go get ready."

xxxxx

Liam is nowhere to be seen, but it doesn't stop Aubrey from being cautious as she walks to the truck. "Do you think I did the right thing – walking away?"

"Walking away from what?" Julia asks.

"My brother."

"I think you should have let Beca punch him in the face," Noah says then receives a slap on the arm from his wife.

"Assault is illegal."

"So?" Noah replies, "She'd make bail."

"What if he has information about what happened?" Aubrey asks.

Julia pauses after opening the truck door. "Let me ask you something. What if he does? What if he could answer every question you have? Would you feel better? Or are you just continuing to pursue it because you're scared and grieving Chloe and you can't figure out how to cope any other way?"

"I want justice."

"We all do. But I don't think justice is going to bring you the amount of solace that you think it's going to. It's not going to change what happened and it's not going to bring Chloe back. Nothing that any of us can do can make that happen."

"Everyone talks about like she's dead."

"No." Julia shakes her head. "We just know that whatever happens is out of our hands. There is nothing we can do except hope for the best and prepare for the worst." She pauses. "It's not your fault. And much as you want justice, getting it shouldn't be your responsibility."

"If not me then who?"

"It doesn't matter. Chloe wouldn't put justice over your well-being and neither do we."

"I saw her lose consciousness." Something has to be able to alleviate even just a fraction of the panic that won't let go. If not justice, anything. "There was blood everywhere." The metallic stench of it still lingers deep in her nose. By the end, that whole island reeked of blood and decay. "I told her to rest. I should have kept her awake. I should have told her to keep her eyes open, but she was in so much pain. I didn't want her to have to feel it anymore. I just wanted it to be fast – for both of our sakes."

Julia wipes her eyes with her fingers and then her nose on her wrist. "You didn't want it to be drawn out. That's okay. That's a lot to go through. It's still not your fault."

But it is being drawn out. Chloe isn't dead, but she isn't exactly alive either. She's trapped somewhere between. "I didn't want to have to end it for her."

"What do you mean?"

Aubrey remembers where she is. Outside. Standing next to the truck in the driveway. Trying to get to Chloe. She pulls in the handle and climbs in. Could she have done for Chloe what she did for the deer? What she asked Beca to do for her if it came down to it? She isn't sure. There is no clear right choice in that scenario. But that isn't what happened. They were saved. They're home now. The thought still plagues her. What would she have done?

xxxxx

Hospital rooms without windows look a lot like what Aubrey imagines a prison cell looks like. It isn't like Chloe needs a window – nor would it be safe to have one given the circumstances. But Chloe likes vibrant things and this room just isn't it. She needs to come home. If she could open her eyes, she would hate it here. "I'm sorry you're stuck here. But it's for the best." She isn't sure she honestly believes that. Sure she is surrounded by nurses and doctors able to respond immediately to an emergency, but she must be so lonely. She still thinks hiring a private nurse is in Chloe's best interest. She just needs to convince everyone else.

Work gives her a lot to talk about. She updates Chloe on every single child by name. Tells her about the funny things they've done and the mischief they've gotten into. That they all miss her. She tells her how surprised she is that she really enjoys going to work every day. How sorry she is for not understanding how hard of a job it is. There are rumors going around that the music teacher is retiring at the end of the year, and she wants Chloe to be the first person to know that she's considering applying for the job.

The silence in return still doesn't get any easier to handle.

She misses how they could curl up on the couch together at the end of a long day and converse for hours. All those little things she took for granted add up. What's left without them is just a skeleton of what her life used to be. It's not even (completely) because maybe she and Chloe have become a little co-dependent. It's the way it happened. She'll never be able to unsee the terror in Chloe's eyes right before they closed. Never be able to unhear her delirious and crying for her mom.

Julia knocks on the doorframe. "Almost ready?"

If she doesn't get up right away, she never will.

"We'll meet you out in the hallway in a minute?" Julia says.

Aubrey glances she back at Chloe one more time. She nods and steps out into the hall. There is a chair a few feet away; she goes to sit on it while they take their turn with Chloe. Down the hallway on the opposite side is security – but even with them there, it still feels eerily quiet and empty. One of the two guards waves at her. She looks away. It didn't require much effort to kill the sheriff and his deputy; how are these guys any different? They aren't even real cops – just hospital employees with tasers. After a few seconds of waiting, she inches her chair closer to Chloe's room.

It's silent in the room. She expected to hear them talking to Chloe, or maybe even using the time to discuss what to do with Aubrey herself, but they're not saying anything at all. Not that she can hear anyway. Maybe the walls are thicker than she thought. The urge to get up and walks off somewhere so she doesn't have to sit stationary with her thoughts is overpowered by what happened last time she wandered off alone.

One of the security guards stops talking to the other and waves hello to her.

She stares at him for an extended amount of time without waving back. Even if she wanted to, her body doesn't take orders from her quite as well as it used to. Her body must be spending too much time with Beca. The guard looks the other way, unnerved by her sudden breath of laughter. She draws her lips between her teeth to prevent herself from doing it again. Just because it got him to look away doesn't mean it wasn't another embarrassing loss of control.

Everything is different. I am different. She tries to convince herself Chloe can hear her thoughts and that maybe she'll think her own into Aubrey's head.

The door opens and Julia and Noah step out into the hall looking sadder than when they walked in.

"Come on, Bunny." Julia casually reaches for Aubrey's hand like she has seen her reach a million times for Chloe's – completely disregarding that adults don't usually hold their parents' hands as they walk. Or maybe they do. What does she know about parents? Chloe has never treated it like it was odd – but then again, Chloe has never exactly had much regard for personal space.

Chloe would be gobsmacked seeing Aubrey take her mother's hand instead of staring at it like it might be dripping with invisible toxins. What are the odds of being poisoned twice?

"Tired?" Julia releases her hand once they're at the elevator to wrap an arm around her shoulders instead.

More like devastated by needing to leave Chloe alone in that room again, but sure, she'll go with tired. Aubrey nods. She makes the mistake of resting her head against Julia's shoulder because when the elevator comes, she has to lift it again.

"You have to come back tomorrow for physical therapy," Julia reminds her, "We'll see her again then." She gives her a squeeze as they step onto the elevator. "I know it's hard to leave."

"Have you heard anything from her doctor?"

"I'd tell you if there were any changes. Everything is still the same. I know it's not something any of us want to think about, but have you prepared yourself for if she does wake up? I don't think she's going to walk away from this without some form of permanent brain damage, Aubrey."

"We'll just have make sure the new house is as accessible as we can with limited knowledge."

"That isn't the kind of preparation I was talking about."

The elevator drops and so does Aubrey's stomach. Yeah, it's something she thinks about. But she's so low on bandwidth and there are so many things to think about that really sitting down and considering any one thing wipes her out. So, no, she hasn't fully prepared. Every time she thinks about Chloe waking up, she's exactly how she used to be. The elevator door opens just in time before all of her air runs out and she makes an escape into the lobby. Her thoughts are more tangled than a box of Christmas lights stored in the attic. Her first priority is just pulling them apart.

And as much as she wants to know whether her own brain will ever go back to normal, she's afraid of the answer.

xxxxx

It's late when they get back. Conrad is MIA and Brian is in his room. Aubrey trudges reluctantly toward the guest room. "We're back," she says then looks at the bed when there is no remark about stating the obvious. It's empty. "Beca?" All of her things are still strewn haphazardly across the bedroom floor. She backs into the hallway to check the bathroom. The door is open. The light is off. "Beca?"

This isn't happening. It's not happening.

"What's the matter?" Julia meets her in the hallway.

"Beca isn't here."