CHAPTER 14: The Perfect Moment
It was the evening of the same day. Len felt a little feverish that afternoon, and so despite the fact that Meg was at work until late at night, she insisted he stayed at home to take care of himself. He used to pick her up from work every time since they were a couple; she only had three to four shifts weekly so it didn't feel like much of a sacrifice.
The twin was sitting downstairs in one of the armchairs, his lower body covered with a fuzzy blanket. He had an open book in his hands, but he kept staring into it blankly.
The month had flown by in an instant, it seemed. The two of them experienced so much together. For Len who was accustomed to... a slower paced life, shall we say, it was like trying to mash every song he had ever sung on stage into one wild creation that spanned but a couple of seconds. There was too much to pay attention to. For Meg, that was never a problem – she had the ability to shift her focus from thing to thing at a whim, always fully concentrating on who or what was present. Therefore, she could afford to have a lot going on at all times. The twin, on the other hand, was more of an observer, taking everything in and calculating before deciding which role to take in a new circumstance. Having been thrown into various situations at short notice – from "let's make pizza from scratch for lunch" to "when's the last time you were at the beach, what are you doing tomorrow morning" – while they were cute moments that he loved, sometimes it also felt like flailing in the wind behind Gumi like a balloon while she kept running from one adventure to another.
He didn't want to object and tell her he wanted more space. More time to actively do nothing. Read books. Play games. Watch some series he had been missing out on that Meg wouldn't really enjoy. To summarise: Len needed to stay connected to who he was. But then, wouldn't that sound like he didn't like his girlfriend as much?
When he first realised he was falling for her, the idea of being with her was barely more than a nice dream. And the thing about dreams is, when you live in them, you choose your own pace, and you live through scenarios that would make you the happiest. There were countless times Len had daydreamed a whole screenplay about The Perfect Moment. Like the time he was sitting on a bench waiting for Meg to return from some sort of errand in the adjacent building, weeks before they becamme official. His mind came up with the idea that when she came back, she would simply ask: "Hey, Len, this is gonna sound odd, but... Can I kiss you?" To which he would reply: "Of course, I have been waiting for that for months." He'd stand up, hold her hands, and they'd kiss in the sunset. The most romantic thing ever. And then they'd walk home in peace, talking about how much they meant to each other and how long they both kept it a secret from one another.
Instead, how did they actually become a couple? There were no immediate confessions, no adorable planned moments that would perfectly describe Len's nature and the nature of his adoration for Meg. No, they had an escalated moment of playing and teasing, and they were naked in her bed before he knew what was happening. It was nice. But it wasn't at all how he thought it would go down. Maybe he was old fashioned, but he always imagined you have to build the relationship slowly, get comfortable on a personal level before you get physical...
Len finally set the book down on the table, knowing all too well he couldn't pay any more mind to it. He stood up. His head physically felt like being frozen in time at the brink of implosion. He was glad Gumi instructed him to stay home and rest. Now, he was even ready to go to bed, despite it being only ten minutes to eleven. There was nothing better to do, anyway; Meg wouldn't be home for at least another hour, and maybe he could even fall asleep. But first, hot tea.
...but they were already behind that, weren't they? he wondered. He used to consider Gumi the second closest person in his life, right behind his sister, half a year ago already. In a way, they were a couple before they knew it, the only thing missing was getting physical. And, sure, there's no rule that each time two people get close they have to start a romantic relationship; but looking back, Len thought he could feel the chemistry between them. It was in those tiny details: the subtle touches, frequent cuddles, but also in the way they kept looking at each other with those sparkles in their gaze as if their eyes could tell how much the other meant to them. That likely wouldn't have been there if they weren't both lowkey desperate for one another's comfort and physical closeness.
He had to accept that reality wasn't interested in his ideas of The Perfect Moment. Had he chosen to keep waiting for it to time itself properly, they'd be there forever, mostly because his Perfect Moments involved Meg acting in a certain way that would play exactly into his scheme. That simply never happened. The actual Perfect Moment was spontaneous. Who even made the move in that? Was it her who initiated the first kiss, or him who stared into her eyes for two full seconds, asking for permission without words? In reality, it was a mutual effort and it could only work because they both had the puzzle pieces to complete the whole picture.
And that was a beautiful analogy for their relationship itself, was it not? At least, ideally. At the end of the day, they were still two individuals, and if they were inseparable, it had to be their mutual choice, not their duty as a boyfriend and girlfriend. Len had forgotten that. A huge part of him acted in a way that he felt he was obliged to from his position of a love partner. His idea of love had been submitting himself entirely to a person to fulfill their every need and wish, expecting the exact same in return so that they'd be complete together. Now that he actually tried it, he saw how bullshitty it was. There was a strange dichotomy in the twin's feelings – he was honestly happy, but still felt uneasy about it. And that was most probably because he wasn't as authentic as he would have wanted.
The water was done boiling. Len poured it over his tea and kept waiting in silence, hypnotising the tea cup with an empty stare.
What he wanted was more stability. Being more certain about what would happen in the next 48 hours. Of course, not to the point of careful planning everything in the relationship, that would have been boring. But there had to be a compromise, except he was afraid to start finding it. Len was sure his girlfriend wouldn't want him to be uncomfortable, but at the same time, he was scared to disappoint her in his inabilty to give her what she deserved. It seemed like no matter what, one of them would have to settle eventually, and that was a tough pill to swallow. To accept that they weren't in fact a perfect match, if such thing even existed.
Through his thought process, Len almost missed the sound of the main door opening. His twin sister called out into the hall with the voice of someone who spent the last three hours swithing between talking and singing: "Hello?"
"I'm here," Len spoke up in response. Not too loud. His head would kill him if he raised his voice too high. "Just about ready to go sleep."
"Already?" A shuffling of textile and a somewhat hard boom could be heard from the entrance as Rin was putting down her guitar case.
He walked around the table and towards the hall to meet her. "Yeah. I feel like shit. I just boiled water if you want some tea."
"Oh, yes, please." At first glance, Rin looked exhausted. They already spoke earlier that day over the phone: she told him she accompanied her friend Lily home and ended up sleeping over. While he was napping in the afternoon, his sister came home. He woke up and heard her walking around the top floor, but they didn't see each other until right now. She was dressed in all black and had a beanie on. A typical attire for her band practice.
She took a better look at him while they walked back into the kitchen together. "You indeed look like shit, brother."
"I think I caught some strange flu or something. My head's killing me." Len prepared a second tea mug. "How about you? Are you feeling okay?"
"Not really. I just broke up with someone."
"You did?" He looked at her closer to get an idea of how bad it was. Rin didn't look heartbroken, rather sort of distant. "I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?"
She sat in a chair and took her beanie off. "It's alright. I wasn't invested in him and I didn't want to lie to him. We were only together for three, maybe four weeks. I'm glad it's over, but it still sucks."
Len put her mug in front of her and sat down as well. Apparently, sleep would have to wait a bit longer.
"I didn't even know you were seeing anyone," he confessed.
Rin put on a sad smile. "I didn't feel the need to talk about him, that's how little I cared. It was a mistake that we even got involved."
"Wow. But hey, next time will surely be better," Len said. It felt like such an empty phrase, but he didn't know how else to respond.
And then, his sister did something weird: her smile widened, and she looked down in embarassment. She even blushed. "I... think it kind of is already."
"Oh? Well, that's awesome. And it makes more sense now that you would let this dude go right now."
"I guess it does. It was about time I started to be honest with myself."
Len sipped on his tea, and when Rin didn't continue, he tried to tip her over: "So... Who's the new guy?"
"I don't want to tell you. Well... not quite. I don't want to tell anyone."
"What? Why not?"
Her eyes darted around the kitchen, looking at anything but himself. "It's just really weird and complicated. And fresh. And, honestly, not certain yet. But don't worry, I'm really happy. And I think it's mutual."
Her nervousness was obvious and it troubled him. Len tried to catch her gaze with no success. "Are you sure I shouldn't worry? That's what I do."
"Seriously. Thanks, but everything is fine. I just... can't share the details."
"Well." The boy was prepared to let it go and only keep worrying in private. "If you say it's fine, I'll believe you. But I hope we can talk about it soon, otherwise I might think you slept with Lily yesterday," he added as an attempt to ease the mood.
There was no real reaction at first, but then it came. The dead, heavy silence. Len immediately knew he said something wrong and looked at Rin's face again. She stopped in motion, looking doggedly at the table desk, clenching the mug with her hand. Her expression displayed a few different emotions, most of which a combination of anger and fear.
"I was just kidding," he said quickly. "I didn't mean anything by it."
She started moving again with a twitch. "Well," she spoke up in a somewhat raspy voice; "there goes the big secret. Threw it out the window."
Len's back narrowed. "Wait. Did you actually...?" He paused. The implication of this felt so random it didn't even fully reach his brain right away.
"I'm not ready to talk about this." His sister suddenly jumped up on her feet. "Thanks for the tea. But... I'm sorry. I have to be alone for now."
He watched her take three quick steps towards the hall and stop just as suddenly as she started. She turned around and looked him in the eye for the first time. "I promise I'll tell you when I'm ready. But I haven't wrapped my own head around it yet. I need more time."
Len swallowed everything he wanted to ask her at once and asked the one thing that he considered important: "Do you at least want a hug?"
She only smiled, with even more sadness than before. "Some other time. Good night, Lenny." And with that, she walked upstairs. He listened to her footsteps getting more and more distant on the staircase until he could no longer hear them once Rin was on the top floor.
What even was that? he thought, confused and concerned. Let's review all that slowly. Yesterday, Rin was depressed – by the looks of it – and Lily gave her very close comfort, maybe too close for a mere friend, but what did he know. She sneaked out with her and spent the night at her place, and apparently something happened there. Had his sister straight up told him she and Lily hooked up, it would have surprised him since he'd never have guessed she would be interested in that, but there was no way he'd think differently of her because of it.
Whatever went down that night, Rin only alluded to it, she didn't confirm anything. But then she dumped her boyfriend the very next day as though something made her realise she'd rather not be connected to him. All of that would have kind of made sense had it not been for the missing piece of information in the middle – and Len was for the most part convinced the two girls really slept together, but obviously couldn't make any conclusions based on his suspicion.
The weirdest, though, was the entire story her face told when he mentioned that possibility. That would have entirely been a valid reaction if she got caught in the act, figuratively speaking, involving someone she didn't feel comfortable parading around publicly. I'm really happy, and I think it's mutual, she said. For such a wide range of emotions, he wouldn't have trusted she actually was happy, but then again, maybe it was just so complicated because of reasons that her happiness was covered in all those little things.
What if, and Len felt it dawn on him like the ultimate turn of events it would be, there was more to it than just a girl on girl hook up? Could it be that his sister and Lily fell in love? He would have never seen that coming, knowing about most of Rin's escapades involving boys. Up until this point, he never thought to question her preferences. And perhaps she didn't either...
The twin sat there for a few minutes, sipping on his tea, thinking. Was there a common age for people to start discovering their orientation? He knew very little about this, but as much as it would make sense for it to happen in puberty which was all about exploring one's sexuality anyway, he also remembered hearing stories about older adults who may have already had 'standard' families before realising it wasn't who they were. It would be safe to say, therefore, that Rin could have absolutely only now had such a lifechanging revelation.
Finally, Len stood up. He didn't want to leave it like that. Now that he had the time to process their brief dialogue, he had a better idea of how to properly react. Before he went to bed, he wanted to talk to Rin once more.
The boy walked upstairs and towards his sister's room. There, he hesitated. She told him she wasn't ready to talk about it. Perhaps it would be best to leave her alone? No. Len wasn't about to pry information from her. He only wanted to make sure she knew he stood behind her, no matter what she was experiencing. He knocked.
"Yeah?" her tired voice rang out from the inside.
"It's me. Can I come in?"
"Sure."
Len entered. His sister was sitting on her bed holding her phone, texting with someone by the looks of it. The room was noticeably cleaner than usual; it seemed Rin made the effort to tidy up earlier before she went to the studio.
"Wow," he said as he looked around. "What's the occasion?"
"Thanks for noticing. I don't know, I came back in the afternoon and wanted to do something about all this." She put her phone next to her on the bed face down.
"Rin, I just wanted to tell you," Len spoke up; "and I know I've said this before, but it bears repeating. I don't need to know what's going on if you don't want to talk about it. But I'll always have your back, whatever it is. So... if there's just one tiny thing I can do to make you feel better, please, don't hesitate."
His sister smirked. "You're right, I've heard that one before. Thank you, Lenny. It really does mean a lot to know that. And, by the way, I'd do the same for you if you needed."
That's all the boy's mind needed to jump straight back to the problem he was thinking about before Rin came home. His mood shifted in an instant. "Now that you mention it... can I talk to you about something difficult?"
"Obviously. Do you want to sit down?"
"Yeah, thanks." Len sat next to her on the bed. "Not that I want to bother you with this if you don't have the capacity for it right now..."
"Shut it. I'd rather think about your problems than my own." And he felt a nudge of her elbow on his side.
He told her everything. How he felt like a villain for wanting to spend a little less time with Meg, how confusing it was because he was clearly still in love with her and how he used to think being in a relationship would be easy. Being able to open up about it and put his thoughts into words was cleansing, and yet at the very back of his brain Len knew this was merely a preparation for a similar talk he's going to have to have with Gumi herself somewhere down the road.
And by the end of it, Rin looked at him, smiled like the little encouraging jackass she was and said: "That's stupid."
"Is it, though?"
"Okay, maybe not stupid. But what did you think was going to happen?"
"I don't know, really. I sort of thought love takes all life's troubles away."
His sister chuckled, not to mock him but rather to show some degree of agreement. "Not gonna lie, when it's done right, it kinda does. And then it creates a whole new set of troubles for itself. Happily ever after doesn't just happen, you've got to work for it."
"I noticed. I just... I'm scared that I'll cross some sort of line and Meg won't be interested in me anymore."
Rin frowned at him. "Do you want me to punch you in the face, or are you just that dumb?"
Len had no choice but to awkwardly grin. "I'm being irrational, aren't I?"
"Of fucking course you are! Why would you think she could just stop liking you like that?"
"I... I don't know. Maybe I'm terrified of the thought of losing her." The twin brother leaned back and laid down on the bed, his legs pouring over the edge. "Is this what being in love really means?"
Rin ruffled his hair. "It is if you have trust issues, mate."
"Oh. Well... I didn't see it that way. Do you think I have trust issues?"
"You have to be the judge of that. I just think you're still learning, that's all."
The siblings stayed quiet for a bit. Rin picked her phone back up, looked at it and smiled. Meanwhile, Len thought about his position from theis newly proposed perspective.
Then, he sighed. "I assumed I could create a set of those perfect moments. That way I could be sure we'd have a perfect life together."
The girl rolled her eyes. "Dude, perfect moments don't exist! And if they do, they're handed to you, not artificially created. If you live your life by a script, you're not actually living."
"No, no, you're right, I know. It's just that I liked having things under control."
"So? Are you any less happy now that there's Gumi's element in your life?"
Len sat back up slowly. "I was never good at improvisation, Rin. You know this."
It took her two seconds to reply because she was once again reading something on the screen of her phone. "Now you're just underestimating yourself. You're smart, practical and so witty. Your only problem is you have zero self-awareness. So here's some advice, you moron." Rin grabbed him by the shoulders, kind of playfully, to emphasise the importance of her message. "Pay attention to what gets thrown your way. Take the moments you already have and make them perfect. There's no sense in trying to build them from scratch. You understsand?"
He nodded. "I do. Thanks."
They hugged. For a long time. Once she had her arms around his neck, Rin wasn't willing to let go, and neither was he.
To be fair, both Meg and he were new to this. The difference was that his girlfriend had confidence which he lacked. But of course, based on everyday evidence, he didn't actually think she'd grow tired of him that easily. She was the first one to say 'I love you,' after all, so it wasn't like he was pushing into her comfort zone. That's always been her expertise, anyway.
No matter what, he's going to have to have a serious talk with her. The first one of their relationship. And he had no idea how that would go. However, the baseline remained the same: he wanted to be with her. Theoretically, every decision he'd make and every sentence he'd tell her trying to explain everything should be in consideration of that.
"Bro?"
Rin pulled back, still holding his shoulders, but her expression has changed once again. Now it was full of fearful determination. "I'm not sure about this, I've still got a lot of thinking to do. But... You should be the first person to hear this."
"Oh God," he was immediately startled. "What's happened?"
"Well... It's nothing bad, really. But it's fucking... ugh."
Len took her hands off his shoulders and held them. "Just tell me."
Their eyes met for a moment, and Rin smiled sheepishly before looking back down.
"I think I'm gay."
