We arrived in the third circle, noticing
First the icy rain that fell on us. Next we
Saw a great monster, who was barking, howling,
And gnashing his teeth at the shades around. He
Turned to face us and we saw that it was Sonic
The Hedgehog, Unleashed! He came for us, and me,
Unsure what to do, turned to my iconic
Guide, who made a face like 'I fuckin' got this.'
He stooped low, grabbing muck in a laconic
Way, and chucked it into Sonic's mouth. The hiss
That escaped the beast's mouth was a sound unheard
On this earth, and he seemed satisfied. Remiss
Would I be to not tell you, reader, of blurred
Vision from the ever pouring rain, the wails
Of those condemned to this mire. I conferred
With my Guide, that he might tell me the details
Of this Circle. "What is this place, so wretched
And foul? Are we in a fen, where things with scales
Torment the shades trapped here?" "No, here embedded
Are the Gluttonous, to forever suffer
This frozen rain." Immediately, regretted
I my question, but then I asked another:
"These punishments are meant to be just, so how
Does the rain fit their crime? Surely a rougher
Abuse would be appropriate?" Steve turned now
And pointed. Rising from the muck and the filth
Came a man, sitting upright, so to allow
Him to speak to me. The man was such a DILF.
Beneath an airport he had lived, and through
Life he had come to this place. I approached, self
Preservation losing to my questions new.
When I came nearer to him, he spoke, greeting
Me: "Hey, can I see your thighs? For I am Dru
Brock of Drawback Productions! For my drinking
I am in this mire. The freezing rain falls on
Me forever more, and I sit impeding
Its progress to the muck." And I: "Thereupon
Lies my question: no matter how you imbibed
In life, surely another vile denouement
Would be appropriate?" "No, for the proscribed
Rain is a symbol of the degradation
I put on myself," said Dru. "In undescribed
Agony I wallow. An intervention
Might have saved me, but unfortunately I
Consumed more liquor than the whole nation
Of Germany every Wednesday night. That's why
I am trapped alone here in this accursed fen."
At this, I was confused, for around us, nigh
On thousands of people laid. I said this then,
And Dru chuckled. "Yes, but I cannot see those
Who lie around me, nor they me. For again,
This is part of the punishment. We who chose
To forsake all else in pursuit of food and
Drink until we were blinded to all of those
Around us are now sentenced to alone stand."
"If only your friends and family had done
Something to warn you of the danger at hand!"
I cried. "Well, you see," said Dru, "They did do one
Thing. Molly wrote me into this fanfiction
To wake me up to my fate, but everyone
Thought it was a joke! Please, let my addiction
Serve as a warning to you!" And then, Dru sank
Back into the mud. Though his affliction
Still troubled me, I went back to my Guide, dank
Atmosphere enveloping me. And so Steve
And I picked our path reeking swamp. Stank
It did, but onward we went, and took our leave.
