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Chapter 9: Memories
Katara's booted feet crunched against the snow.
She balanced the heavy basket in her arms, as she made her way back home. She had spent most of the day gathering what little she could find on the tundra, mostly thin tubers and bitter crowberries. But she still had so many chores to get done—baskets that needed repair, holes in clothing that needed to be sewn, wood for burning that needed to be collected. And then there would be, if they were lucky, a few fish from Sokka that would need to be cleaned and prepared…
However, as Katara set her basket down beside the cloth door to the home they shared with Gran-Gran, she paused. Something smelled good inside—but Gran-Gran wouldn't have started dinner already, would she?
Katara couldn't quite curb her curiosity, and she pushed back the cloth door.
Her grandmother sat by the fire, her usual heavy parka set to one side. She was spearing small bits of meat onto a spit—the small arctic walrus-seal Sokka had somehow managed to catch the day before, Katara thought—and laying them crosswise over the fire to cook. One finished spit lay on a nearby cloth.
"Gran-Gran?" Katara asked, a little hesitantly.
Gran-Gran looked up, her often worn face weathered and wrinkled as usual. And yet, there was an odd twinkle in her eye. Her old cracked lips quirked up at the corners, before she turned her eyes back to the meat. "Ah, Katara," she said. "There you are. Come help me, won't you?"
Katara went and knelt down by the fire, drawing off her fur mitts and setting them aside. However, as her eyes turned back to Gran-Gran, she suddenly remembered something—something she had meant to ask about.
"Gran-Gran," she began, washing her hands in a nearby basin, before picking up a spit. "I... heard you got married again. To Master Pakku."
"That's true," said her grandmother, still smiling a little. "He'll be coming in to join us soon."
"He told me before you were originally from the North," Katara continued cautiously. "That the two of you were engaged, but you left because you didn't want to marry him."
"Yes," Gran-Gran agreed simply. She reached out, carefully rotating each of the spits by a few degrees.
Katara hesitated, then continued, "Well, I think that's great. I know how much Master Pakku loved you. I just—I guess I'm a bit confused. I thought you left because you didn't love him. Because you didn't agree with the Northern customs. How did you fall in love with him now then?"
For the first time, Gran-Gran paused in inspecting the meat. She glanced up at Katara. Then her eyes returned to the spits, as she picked up a knife from nearby, sharpening it against a whetstone.
At last she said heavily, "It was never because I didn't love him. I did. I admired him greatly. He could be condescending, and frustrating, but I loved even that. I could have married him back then."
Katara's eyebrows knit together in confusion. "But..."
"But," Gran-Gran continued, "you're half right. I didn't agree with our people's customs. But Pakku could never see past them. The way we saw the world—was too different." She paused, then added, "Or so I thought at the time. Perhaps I could have stayed, and we could have been happy. I can't say now. But I had to choose then, and—it didn't feel right. It didn't feel like the two of us could fit as we needed to. And so I left."
Katara opened her mouth to speak again—to ask so many more questions—but the sound of water was rushing in her ears, images flashing in her eyes. The driving pound of pouring rain, a lightning crack in the sky. A face with twin scars at the temple, gazing at her sternly, a mournful woman...
Katara came awake suddenly. Her eyes roamed the dark tent, and it took her a moment to remember where and when she was.
The White Lotus camp. The day of the last battle with the Fire Nation, with Fire Lord Ozai. Katara closed her eyes, taking a moment to steady herself, before she pushed open the tent flap, and made her way out into the early morning darkness.
Katara went to find Appa first. Since Aang wasn't here to take care of him, she wanted to make sure he had something to eat, and was well rested for the coming fight.
The bison seemed content where he reclined in the grass, but at Katara's approach, his large eyes flickered open. He lowed softly, and she reached up to stroke his wide nose.
"I know," she whispered. "I miss him too. He'll be back. He'll be okay."
Even as she said it, she wasn't sure if it was true. But she had to say it. She had to believe it.
"Katara?"
Katara blinked, and turned to see Zuko standing there, a few paces back—she hadn't heard him come up.
He fidgeted, looking oddly nervous, though she couldn't help but think his face seemed less grim than usual. Though he wasn't quite smiling, the planes of his face seemed less sharp somehow, and even the narrower eye on the scarred side of his face seemed softer, almost warm. His uncle must have forgiven him—of course he had.
"Um," Zuko began, gesturing awkwardly toward the camp. "We were just going to have breakfast. My uncle's fixing a stew..."
"Okay," Katara said, hand still on Appa. "I'll be along in a minute."
Zuko lingered there a moment longer, as though he had more to say. However, at last he sighed, and turned, treading quietly back through the grass.
Katara leaned close to Appa one more time—before she pulled reluctantly away, following after Zuko to camp.
Throughout breakfast, Zuko seemed happier than Katara had ever seen him. As he spooned out some of the stew he ate hardily, his usual scowl far less pronounced.
However, it could only last so long under the weight of the pending battle, and at last General Iroh said, "Not that I'm not happy to see you all—and you, nephew—but I imagine you have all come here on more than a social visit. Especially with the Avatar not with you."
Zuko hesitated, and some of his usual intensity and gloom seemed to return. "Uncle," he began. "You're the only person other than the Avatar who can possibly defeat the Fire Lord. When we go to face my father, we need you to come with us."
"Hmm," Iroh murmured. He lowered his stew and turned his eyes to his nephew. "No, Zuko. It won't turn out well."
"You can beat him," Zuko insisted. He glanced at the rest of them for support. "And we'll be there to help."
Iroh's normally warm and easygoing features were unmoved. "Even if I did defeat Ozai, and I don't know that I could—it would be the wrong way to end the war. History would see it as just more senseless violence, a brother killing a brother to grab power." His eyes went from one face to the next. "The only way for this war to end peacefully is for the Avatar to defeat the Fire Lord."
Katara was holding her bowl in her lap, and now she watched General Iroh for a long moment. There was wisdom in what he said—Katara knew now that Iroh had long been on their side, that he believed the actions of the Fire Nation horrible, wrong. Zuko looked to him as a man he wished to be more like. And yet—
Wouldn't it be better to defeat Ozai and end the war, however it was done, than fail to do it? What if Aang didn't come back in time—would Iroh still refuse to fight, even then? As Katara studied his face, his features calm, certain, yet with a hint of sadness, she couldn't help but wonder at the possible alternatives. If Iroh was willing to fight Ozai, then Aang wouldn't have to. Aang wouldn't have to take a life. It was the solution they hadn't thought of—yet the hope was already quashed before it had even had time to fully form.
Zuko didn't try to argue; he seemed to understand. Instead he said slowly, "And then... then you would come and take your rightful place on the throne?"
Iroh's features were solemn. "No. Someone new must take the throne—an idealist with a pure heart, and unquestionable honor."
When Zuko stared back at him in blank confusion, Iroh clarified, "It has to be you, Prince Zuko."
All eyes turned to Zuko. It was funny—the notion that someone would have to take over as Fire Lord when Ozai was gone had never even crossed Katara's mind. Let alone Zuko of all people. He was too young, too... But, Zuko was Ozai's blood heir. And he had come far.
Zuko's eyes widened slightly, startled, before they quickly darted away in shame. "Unquestionable honor? But I've... made so many mistakes."
"Yes, you have," Iroh admitted calmly. "You've struggled—you've suffered—but you have always followed your own path." He fixed Zuko with a stare full of certainty. "You restored your own honor, and only you can restore the honor of the Fire Nation."
Zuko's eyes had dropped to the ground, considering. At last, he turned away. "I'll try, Uncle."
Toph finally voiced what they had all been thinking. "Well, what if Aang doesn't come back?"
Iroh's face was unusually grave, yet still strong, confident. "Sozin's Comet is arriving, and our destinies are upon us. Aang will face the Fire Lord."
It was hardly an answer—Katara wondered if he said that because he truly believed it to be that certain, or because he simply couldn't let himself believe anything else. But then, Zuko's uncle seemed a man in tune with forces beyond their knowledge, so perhaps he knew something about where Aang might be he wasn't saying.
Iroh's eyes were distant as he murmured, "When I was a boy, I had a vision I would one day take Ba Sing Se. Only now do I see that my destiny is to take it back from the Fire Nation. So the Earth Kingdom can be free again."
"That's why you gathered the members of the White Lotus," said Suki.
"Yes." Iroh's eyes turned back to Zuko. "Zuko, you must return to the Fire Nation, so that when the Fire Lord falls, you can assume the throne and restore peace and order." He paused, then added, "But Azula will be there, waiting for you."
He didn't explain how he knew this, why Azula wouldn't be with Ozai on the campaign to raze the Earth Kingdom. As though, like Aang facing Ozai, it was a predetermined event as inevitable as the rising sun. Perhaps the White Lotus was bigger than they knew, with roots everywhere.
"I can handle Azula," Zuko said, and this time all the uncertainty in his voice was gone.
"Not alone," Iroh answered sharply. "You'll need help."
Zuko didn't hesitate. "You're right."
He paused for a moment. Then his eyes turned slowly to Katara. "...Katara. Will you… help me face Azula?"
Katara stared back at him. For a moment she couldn't speak. If she went with him—what did he expect her to do? She felt like she was being asked to make a decision—right here, right now, about the person she wanted to be. Who, as Toph put it, she would make herself into.
She wasn't ready. She needed more time.
However, she took a short breath, forcing herself to relax. Zuko was only asking for her help, he wasn't expecting anything. He had helped her—it was only fair she return the favor. And this fight had to happen, if Zuko was to take the throne from his father.
"Yes," Katara said simply at last. "I will."
Zuko's shoulders relaxed slightly, as though he had been holding his breath. He nodded once.
They were quiet briefly. Until Sokka said, "So... what about us? What's our destiny today?" Toph seemed to shift slightly in agreement.
"What do you think it is?" Iroh asked, with all his usual mysterious crypticness.
Sokka considered. "I think that... even though we don't know where Aang is, we need to do everything we can to stop the airship fleet."
Toph added with a grin, punching her fists together, "And that means when Aang does face the Fire Lord, we'll be right there if he needs us."
Katara watched them, wishing with everything she was that she might be going with them instead. There to help Aang if he needed it—instead of facing Azula. And—quite possibly a decision she didn't want to make.
They finished eating. Most everyone seemed in good spirits, in spite of the impending battle, and despite the fact they still didn't know for sure where Aang was. Zuko was apparently still basking in the afterglow of his reconciliation with his uncle, and General Iroh's certainty Aang would return had spread to everyone.
Others of the old masters approached then—Piandao and Jeong Jeong.
"Have you decided on a course of action?" asked Piandao.
Iroh nodded once. "Prince Zuko will go to the capital to reclaim it," he said.
"Alone?"
"He will have help," Iroh answered, and he glanced toward Katara.
"And we'll be dealing with the air fleet," Sokka said, standing tall, placing a hand to his sword at his back. However, then he rubbed his chin. "Katara and Zuko will need to take Appa to get to the capital. So what will we do?"
"I think I have something for you," Piandao said. He turned away and strode off, without explanation, and Suki raised her eyebrows at Sokka, who just shrugged.
"Don't worry," Sokka said. "The masters know what they're doing. I think."
Katara glanced in the direction she had left Appa earlier. "Do you think Aang will need his glider for the fight with Ozai? Maybe you should take it with you."
"I'm not sure we'll actually be meeting up with him before the fight," Sokka said. "I don't think we'll be able to afford carrying it around when the fighting starts. I'd hate to have to ditch it."
Sokka glanced at Katara and, seeing her face, added, "It'll be okay. He'll probably be able to fly better with just air and firebending, he'll be powered up from the comet too. The glider would probably just make an easy target."
"Okay..." Katara said, reluctant.
They all stood around, looking at one another.
"We're never going to see each other again, are we?" Toph said into the quiet.
"Since when are you the pessimistic one?" Suki asked, giving her a half grin.
Toph shrugged. "Someone's gotta be a downer, it doesn't look like it's gonna be Zuko today." She elbowed him in the side, and Zuko winced, then rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed.
It took Katara a second to realize that everyone was looking at her.
"What?"
Sokka raised an eyebrow. "Don't you have something to say? I mean, Toph literally just threw everybody's hope on the ground and stomped it into mash-pulp. What do you have to say to that?"
Katara looked around at everyone. Even though the tone was strangely light and joking, they were all looking at her expectantly. Waiting for her to make some inspiring speech.
"Um," she began. "Everything… is going to be fine. Aang is… definitely… going to come back. And beat Ozai." She looked at Sokka, Suki, and Toph. "And you'll definitely take out the airship fleet."
After a moment, Sokka turned to look back at the others. "Well," he said. "That was convincing."
Katara scowled at him, then turned her back. He could make his own hope speech. "I'm going to get Appa," she grumbled.
As she strode away, she breathed a slight sigh of relief to be alone for a moment. Her eyes automatically scanned the landscape, as though at any moment she would see a puff of dust on the horizon, and Aang would suddenly appear racing toward them on his air scooter, a wide grin on his face.
But there was no Aang, and Appa lowed again as she took him by the reins and led him back toward camp.
She returned in time to find Piandao approaching the others with a strange, lanky creature with a reptilian head and impossibly long legs. Master Piandao called it an eel-hound, and soon Toph, Suki, and Sokka were all bunched together on its saddle. It was built not unlike June's mole-creature, and if it moved half as fast it would get them to where they needed to be soon enough.
As Zuko clambered up onto Appa's head, Katara climbed into the saddle. Zuko would be the best one to navigate to the Fire Nation capital.
Zuko took the reins, but paused as he glanced back at his uncle one last time, who stood below, watching them, along with the other members of the White Lotus in their robes of black and silver.
"So—" Zuko began. "If I'm going to be Fire Lord after the war is over, what are you going to do?" Not a challenge—just a question.
General Iroh's smile was wide. "After I reconquer Ba Sing Se, I'm going to reconquer my tea shop." He produced a white lotus tile from his sleeve, and flipped it up into the air, deftly catching it in his hand. "And I'm going to play Pai Sho every day."
It seemed such a humble, unassuming goal. Especially compared to what he might do, given the honor and prestige he would soon have if they succeeded. And yet, in some ways it was what they all felt now—the hope for a peace that lay beyond the fire.
Katara turned her eyes to Sokka, Suki, and Toph, where they sat atop the eel-hound. Sokka met her eyes—then nodded once.
Katara just heard the old general murmur, "Today, destiny is our friend." He added softly, as though trying to convince himself, "I know it."
The eel-hound took off like an arrow, as Appa began to rise into the sky. Katara watched General Iroh grow smaller and smaller below them, until he was long out of sight.
They hurtled through the sky, and Katara watched as it turned from blue, to orange, to a searing red. The comet was upon them—and soon they would be fighting, against firebending the likes of which Katara had never seen.
Zuko at Appa's head stared forward, face grim. She kept trying to think of something encouraging to say, but she hadn't been able to come up with anything. There was a constriction in her chest as she thought about the coming fight that had nothing to do with fear for herself or Zuko. They could defeat Azula together—but at what cost? If he was planning to—defeat Azula completely—should she warn him? About how he would feel—after?
"I'm sorry."
Katara blinked, startled, and she looked up. They had flown in silence since they had left hours ago, and it was the first thing Zuko had said the entire way.
"Oh," she said at last. She turned to look back out at the red sky. "It's okay, Zuko. You don't have to keep apologizing. I told you, I forgave you."
Zuko shook his head rapidly. "I don't—I don't mean about Ba Sing Se, or chasing you all. I mean, I am still sorry about that, but—"
Katara shifted, moving up the saddle to sit not far from where he held Appa's reins. Zuko had never been the most eloquent, or maybe she just had that effect on him. She had once threatened to kill him, if she ever thought he might hurt Aang. She wondered now if she really would have gone through with it—she had been angry enough she had thought she would at the time, but now she doubted it. Not the person she was then.
Zuko glanced back at her over his shoulder, then away. He spoke so softly she almost didn't catch it over the wind. "I never... should have suggested... we find him. I wish I hadn't."
Katara stared at his hunched shoulders. And she felt something unexpectedly close in her throat. It made sense for Aang to feel what she had done was wrong—but Zuko?
She was silent. At last she said in a careful, measured voice, "I guess you think what I did was awful, too."
"No!" Zuko spun his head around to stare at her in surprise and consternation. He hesitated, eyes dropping from hers again. "But... I've noticed. You having nightmares. And... last night I was lying awake, and I overheard some of what you said to Toph." He added hastily, "Sorry."
"...Oh." Katara couldn't think of anything else to say.
Zuko continued, as though anxious to fill the silence, "I could feel before that something—that you weren't—" He sighed deeply, and hung his head. "I was trying to help you. Or maybe I was just so focused on giving you something you wanted so you wouldn't hate me anymore. Now—I guess you have more reason to hate me than ever. Without me—you would be fine. You would be—"
As he spoke, Katara had crawled over the lip of the saddle, and now she reached forward to place a hand on Zuko's shoulder.
He broke off, startled, and he half turned his head to look at her over his shoulder.
Katara went to sit next to him on Appa's head, gripping her knees. She gazed up at the sky, darkening into a deep fiery red.
"I made the decision myself," she said quietly. "It was what I wanted—or thought I wanted. I don't blame you."
"But—"
"Maybe things happen for a reason," Katara said, cutting across him. She let her eyes drop to meet his gaze for a moment. Then her eyes slid back to the blood red sky ahead. "Maybe," she said softly, "when Aang... does it... I'll understand better what he feels. Maybe I'll be able to help him, in a way I couldn't have otherwise."
Zuko was quiet at that.
The silence lengthened. At last, still staring at the sky ahead, Katara asked, "Zuko, are you sure—when we fight Azula—are you sure you want to... I mean, she's your sister."
Zuko blinked, startled again, and his eyes whipped around to look at her. "What do you mean?" he demanded.
Katara hesitated, wondering why he was making her put it into words. "I mean—didn't you ask me to help you because—you're intending to—I mean—"
Zuko's good eye widened in understanding, and he dropped the reins, turning around to face her fully. "No—I mean, I wasn't thinking—we can beat her without—I would never ask you—I never thought—"
Now it was Katara's turn to be confused. "But then, why did you ask me to help you? I know Sokka and Suki aren't benders, but you could have asked Toph. She's probably the strongest of us all."
Zuko shook his head vigorously. "I already know you and I fight well together. And I saw you face Azula in the catacombs—you nearly beat her on your own, even without Aang. And Azula can use her firebending to fly, which I'm sure she'll be able to do even more with the comet, and she'd take advantage of that against Toph. I never—I wasn't thinking—"
Katara looked away quickly. "Oh. Okay. Um, good." He didn't need to explain any more—the relief swept through her, cool and profound. They would work together to defeat Azula. But—it wouldn't be the kind of victory she had been dreading. She wouldn't have to face the choice after all.
Still caught up in the aftereffects of the relief, she found herself asking curiously, "Did you and Azula... ever get along?"
He blinked, then sighed, frowning in consideration. "I think I have a memory... from when we were little. Before she could talk much yet. We were in the garden... and she picked a flower, and gave it to me. I think I was supposed to do something with it, because then she got annoyed and stomped off, but..."
"Maybe she wanted you to put it in her hair for her," Katara suggested with a smile. She had a vague memory of her own, toddling up to her mother with a pouch of all the different beads meant for her hair. She'd accidentally spilled half of them into the snow, but her mother had just smiled and patiently picked them back up with her, telling her not to cry.
Zuko smiled a little back. "Maybe. And—sometimes we played together. She always had to be the boss, and always wanted me to do things I didn't want to do, but—it wasn't bad. Sometimes it was even fun." The smile faded. "It was when Father became Fire Lord, and Mother disappeared—she wasn't scared, like I was. She was... happy. That was when she started feeling more like my enemy than my sister."
He shook his head. "I... wish things were different. Maybe, when this is all over..."
Katara placed her hand on his arm. She couldn't imagine what he had to feel—how she would feel if she had to face Sokka as an enemy, if he hated her, wanted to destroy her. Maybe she could understand Zuko's choice back in Ba Sing Se, to side with Azula—it wasn't that he'd wanted to conquer the Earth Kingdom, or betray her trust. He had just wanted to feel a part of his family again, after being cast out. He had wanted them to accept him, like Sokka accepted her.
Zuko let out one final sigh, and then he said, "We can beat her. I know we can." He hesitated, then added, "But Aang... will he have the guts to take out my father? What if he doesn't—what if he loses?"
A chill whispered against her skin. Katara turned away, gripping her arms, then glared out at the sky. "He won't lose," she said, with forced confidence. "He'll defeat Ozai, and he'll come back."
In spite of her words, unwanted images flickered in her mind. Aang, faced with the moment to strike the final blow, and remove Ozai from the world once and for all—his hands faltering, his shoulders slumping, as they had when he'd descended on the Melon Lord. Unable to do it, because of the person he would be if he did. Ozai's cruel smile, ghastly as it had been in the play, as he struck back without mercy. Aang falling slowly, lightning through his heart.
Anger and chilling cold swept through her at once, as tears stung her eyes. She wiped them away, then said again, with force, "He won't lose. He'll come back. He has to."
Zuko gazed back at her for a long moment. Before at last he turned, to gaze back out at the crimson sky.
A/N: White Lotus camp conversation—always so hard translating show to writing. So much of the heart of the dialogue is in the acting and voice, and not intended to be read. (And that's to say nothing of how often I'll write some description of an action, only to realize it's slightly out of order from what actually happened, and the flow needs fixing yet again. Cue head banging and hair pulling.) Sometimes accuracy and reading well in written form don't always jibe well.
In any case, thanks so much for reading! If you have a moment, let me know what you thought, and hope to see you in the next one!
10/22/22
