CHAPTER 3

The Next Day...

Lee groaned, as he slowly dragged himself out of bed. He was exhausted from where he sat up with Rosemary last night, he looked over to where Rosemary should have been. She was already awake, so he quickly got up and got dressed. If he didn't hurry, he would be late for work.

About 15 minutes later, he ran downstairs, wondering where Rosemary was, he hadn't seen her all morning. He walked around looking for her, she wasn't it the house. Lee peeked his head out their backdoor, she wasn't outside either. He shook his head and sighed as he noticed a note stuck to his briefcase. He walked over to grab it, he slightly rolled his eyes, as he read that she had already left for work. She almost always waited for him in the mornings, and he would drive her to work. But after last night, she had decided to avoid him this morning. He pulled out his pocket watch, he didn't have time to go find her right now anyways. He was already late, and he was supposed to have been out at the lumberyard 10 minutes ago. He rushed to slip on his coat, he grabbed his briefcase, he ran outside and cranked the car, climbed inside and he was off. Lee would just have to talk to Rosemary later.

Meanwhile at the dress shop...

Rosemary and Clara usually worked in the dress shop together, so usually Rosemary normally would've had to kept up the appearance that everything was perfectly fine. But since today was Clara's day off, she got to wallow in her own self-pity. Most of the morning all Rosemary could think about was how Lee probably resented for keeping such a huge secret from him: She had never truly meant to keep such a secret from him in the first place.

When Rosemary first got to Hope Valley, well it was still Coal Valley back then, she had been slowly starting to forget about and move past all her trauma; there were still some nights when she was reminded of it, and she would cry herself to sleep. But mostly, she had thrown herself into winning Jack back, clearly, she had been misguided in her intentions towards Jack. Eventually, she was finally able to let go of Jack, and she slowly started to let Lee into her life. She had been wary about trusting him at first, she didn't want to get hurt by anybody else. Soon enough she learned that Lee was a good man, who loved her, and wouldn't hurt her. They truly loved each other. So as time went on, she forgot all of her worries concerning Lee and she longed to spend time with him. Rosemary even found herself making excuses, just so she could be near him. It was her clumsy way of trying to be a part of his life.

So, it wasn't often that she was reminded of her past, but sometimes little things would trigger her memories. But it was never anything major, that she couldn't handle by herself. But more often than not, she was just blissfully happy. It wasn't until their conversation with Pastor Frank, that she was once again triggered by her awful past. She was utterly shocked when Lee said he wanted 5 kids, she didn't want any kids. The thought of bringing a child, her child, into the world, for them to have to go through what she did, was just terrible. Nobody deserves to suffer like that. So, Rosemary came to the conclusion, that the best way to prevent that from happening, was to just not have any children.

Truthfully, her secret should've come out right then and there. Especially since Pastor Frank said that they needed to communicate about everything. But she couldn't bring herself to tell Lee about her past, so she decided to plaster on a fake smile and to divert the attention from that topic.

After that, she rarely ever even thought about her parents. She and Lee have had such a happy life together; sure, they had their fair share of little disagreements, and sometimes they had major fights. But those petty arguments had never truly amounted to anything. Their bond was stronger than anything Rosemary had ever known. They truly loved each other unconditionally, and she didn't want that to change! She felt so guilty about keeping such a secret from Lee for so long, but she did not want anything to change between them, so she always thought it best, that her past remain a secret.

And know that Lee knew, she felt a tiny bit relieved, even if he was upset with her. It wouldn't change how much she loved him, and she hope it didn't change what he felt for her. Their conversation last night had led Rosemary to believe that Lee did truly, want to talk to her, and he just wanted to understand all of it. And she probably made things worse by sneaking out of the house this morning. She started to mentally prepare herself; Lee would absolutely want to talk about it when they both got home, he wasn't one for avoiding important conversations, like she did most of the time. Lee knew that she hadn't told him the whole story. How was she supposed to tell him that she'd be a horrible mother?! How was she supposed to tell him that she would end up hurting their child?! The child that they'd so selfishly prayed for.

She had been blinded by her desire to become a mother, that she never thought about how she would be a terrible mom. That she would bring a child into this world, just to hurt it. Rosemary had honestly thought she would get pregnant whether she wanted to or not. Then when Elizabeth had Little Jack, she was honestly jealous. She knew it was wrong to be jealous of another woman, especially when that woman was her best friend, but when Elizabeth had been able to conceive in such a short time: when Lee and her had been trying to have a child for years. That's what truly turned her heart to motherhood; Elizabeth was so happy with her child, so Rosemary thought she could be that happy too. She had never considered all her trauma and her past during that time.

So, when she truly had wanted a child, she was deeply concerned, as to why it hadn't happened for them yet. And when she went to the doctor for answers, Carson hadn't found anything wrong with her. So, why wasn't she able to have a baby? Rosemary knew something wasn't right, no matter what Carson said. And she knew how much Lee wanted children, so she knew that she had to tell him about what Carson had said, no matter how much it would hurt either of them.

So, eventually, she finally faced her fear and confided to Lee about her supposed inability to conceive. He assured her that it wasn't her fault, and that it didn't matter, and that he loved her no matter what. She found his words assuring and even comforting, at the time. But that didn't take away any of her insecurities about the whole situation away. So as time went on, she had to make herself stop thinking about the children they thought that they would never have. She threw herself whole-heartedly into her work, it helped to distract her, and take her mind off of everything that was eating away at her heart.

Now here she was, almost 3 months pregnant, and she was doubting everything, especially her desire for the child she was carrying. Rosemary slowly moved her hand to her, still flat, stomach and she rubbed the home of their unborn baby. She sat there holding herself for a few moments, in hopes of subsiding some of her anxiety. With no luck, she was more worried and afraid, even more than she had been last night. She quietly stood up and grabbed her things. She couldn't just sit there anymore; she was going home. Rosemary wasn't getting any work done, and besides no one had come into the shop all morning anyways, so she didn't see the point of staying. She quickly closed the dress shop and started walking back towards the rowhouses.

No matter how many times she went over it in her head, she was still dreading the impending conversation with her husband.

Once she got home, she busied herself to take her mind off everything. She worked on some laundry, and started cleaning the house top to bottom, before she started working on dinner.

Lee pulled up to their rowhouse a little before 7 o'clock. He smiled as he noticed that the lights were on inside the house. He was glad that Rosemary was home, hopefully it meant she was done avoiding him. He quietly stepped inside the house; Rosemary didn't seem to notice that he was home. He tiptoed through the door and laid his briefcase down on the table. He carefully snuck up behind her and grabbed her by the waist and pulled her into his arms. He smiled as she gasped quietly.

"Lee!" He had certainly surprised her.

"Hey sweetheart. How was your day?" He asked sweetly.

"It was fine, very… uneventful." She lied, as she plastered another fake smile on her face.

Lee eyed her suspiciously, he knew that she was lying, and he definitely saw the fake smile on her face. She wasn't going to fool him.

"How was your day?" She reciprocated.

"Oh… well… my day was very busy and tiring, but it's no big deal. Although something did happen this morning that I wasn't too happy about." He insinuated.

"Oh really, what happened?" She asked, even though she knew what he was going to say.

"Well, somebody completely avoided me this morning, and made me late for work. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?" He raised his eyebrows sarcastically, as he squeezed her tighter.

She turned around to face him, "I'm sorry I left this morning without telling you." She said as the smile fell from her face.

"It's alright Rosie. But I'm worried about you, and I want you to talk to me."

She sighed, as a sign of finally giving in, "Fine. What do you want to want to talk about?" Rosemary decided to let him start the conversation.

"What are you so afraid to tell me?" He got straight to the point, there was no beating around the bush.

Rosemary scoffed, "I am not…"

"Yes, you are Rosie! You're scared of something, and you don't want to tell me what it is. But you're going to, right now!" He quietly demanded.

"Lee..." She paused, before she tried to tell him what was actually wrong with her, "What do you want me to say?! Hmm! That I have no idea how to be a good mother?! And how do you know that our baby won't grow up just like I did!? And I'll probably end up hurting our child, like my parents hurt me! Of course, I don't want that to happen. But… it was so selfish of me to want a baby, when I can't even be a good mother for it!" Rosemary practically shouted; her words came off a lot angrier than she had wanted them too.

Lee was taken aback; he was certainly not expecting that. He really didn't understand why she felt this way, he obviously knew why she might think that she would be a terrible mom, but the Rosemary he knew would never hurt a child, or anyone for that matter. And how could she think that them wanting a child together was selfish! "Selfish? How can you say that?" He was a little upset, but before she had a chance to answer him, "It wasn't selfish to… well… okay maybe it was a little selfish. But that's not the point. Rosie, you are going to be a terrific mother, and there is nothing wrong with wanting a child." He assured her.

Rosemary heard what Lee said, but that didn't change the way she felt. She couldn't look him in the eye, or at least she didn't want to. She just knew that she would be a terrible mother, and nothing he could say would be able to change her mind.

"Why didn't you tell me that you felt this way?" He asked the question that broke the silence between them.

"You weren't supposed to know." She sighed, as more tears rolled down the side of her face.

"Why do you keep saying that?!" He said sharply, every time she said those it reminded, that she didn't trust him. His eyes started to water, as the tears threatened to fall. Why did she keep saying that?! And what had he ever done, that made her think that she couldn't trust him!

"I'm so sorry Lee." She cried as she stepped closer to him. She reached to hold his hands, but he immediately pulled away from her.

"When did you stop trusting me?! Wait, I guess you never did trust me! Nothing could ever be so terrible, that you couldn't tell me about it and trust me with it. We have always faced everything together, for better or for worse! But I guess that never meant anything to you either, did it?!"

As Lee yelled, you could see all the hurt and anger in his eyes. Rosemary hadn't ever seen him this angry before, he wasn't just angry though; she had hurt him, she was the reason he was upset, and all she felt was guilt. He was right. She hadn't trusted him, at least not with this. He had every right to be mad, or even furious with her. She had hurt him badly. "What have I done?" She whispered under her breath.

Lee slowly turned around to face her, when he heard what she had whispered. What she said cut through him like a knife, immediately all his anger dissipated. He had hurt her, and she blamed herself for what was happening. He had blamed her, yelled at her, instead of trying to comfort her and help her though this. What had he done? He immediately walked over to her, he took both of her hands into his, and he looked into her eyes. "Rosie, I'm sorry. I know you had your reasons and I know that you would never intentionally hurt me. And I am very sorry for yelling at you." He briefly paused, "Help me understand this, I'm ready to listen. And I'm right here, you can tell me everything. I am not going anywhere! Do you understand me?" he questioned.

Rosemary shakily nodded her head. At the very least, He deserved to know the truth, he needed to know everything, whether they would get through it together or not. It was time. No more secrets.