AN: TW - contains brief references to miscarriage.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Emily asked gently. They'd been driving home in silence – and not the usual silence that came from a long work day and the decompressing that followed.
"Hmm?" Dawn murmured as if only just realizing she wasn't alone. "Oh, umm, it's just...it's been a difficult day."
Emily reached over to squeeze Dawn's hand in a silent gesture of support.
She sighed, confessed, "One of my surgeons stood in my office and realized she was miscarrying."
For a few moments, Emily was stunned into silence.
Before she could speak, though, Dawn continued, "And all I could do was sit there, helpless...just like that day they told me my baby was dead inside me. I wanted to say something to her, offer some kind of condolence, but instead I just sat there, dumbfounded, as I flashed back to that OB's office."
"Oh, Dawn..." Emily murmured, squeezing her hand tighter.
She gave a hollow laugh. "I've never really talked about any of this – not even with Charlie. I just buried it and went about my life like none of it had ever happened. Because it was easier than facing my grief, than confronting my emotions."
Emily nodded. "That makes two of us."
Dawn gave her a curious look.
With a little sigh, Emily said softly, "I understand... I've... I've been through a loss of sorts."
"A loss?" Dawn repeated, curious.
"Do you remember a few months ago when my friend died?" she asked. "When we were teenagers together, in Rome, he, umm... He helped me get an abortion."
For a moment, Dawn seemed frozen, barely even breathing as if she'd expected almost anything else.
"He wasn't the father," she continued. "I knew that the person I was at the time... I couldn't have been a mother. Certainly not a good one – I was drinking heavily and, well, other things... I'm not proud of it, but I needed to do it. Of that, I'm certain."
"I... I'm not judging you, Emily," she assured.
She sighed sadly again. "It wasn't the most legal of procedures," she confessed. "At this point, I'm not sure it's even possible for me to get pregnant again." She shook her head. "I'm sorry, I kind of unloaded on you. That wasn't my intention."
"Do you think about it?" Dawn asked, "Having kids?"
Emily nodded. "Today, we arrested a woman who wanted a baby so badly that she let her husband abduct and imprison young women to get one." She paused for a moment. "She was holding the tiniest baby when we arrested her and...my heart just kind of...stopped. It feels like the older I get, the more I feel this desperate ache inside me when I see a mother with a baby."
Dawn nodded her agreement. "For a long time, I thought that having another baby would be replacing the one I lost. By the time I realized that wasn't the case, I was divorced." She shrugged.
"Maybe we should have a kid," Emily suggested, almost off-handedly.
A beat.
"Together?" she asked.
Emily gave a little wince as if afraid of her reaction. "I don't know – maybe?"
Another long silence.
Emily immediately rescinded, "I mean, it's probably a bad idea: we both work insane hours and are never home. I'm so screwed up that any kid of mine would need so much therapy anyway..."
"Em... Em – Emily!" Dawn attempted to stop the babbling. "I'm not saying no..."
"But?"
She sighed. "But that's a huge change and I don't know that we're ready to make those sacrifices."
Nodding, she agreed, "That's fair."
"But maybe in a year or two," Dawn conceded.
It was late into the night when Emily was struck by an idea. Dawn groaned, rolled over and pulled the blankets up over her head when the bedside lamp flicked on. "Em, what are you doing?" she groaned.
She didn't reply immediately, too busy rummaging in a box in the closet. At length, she emerged with a little stone statue, which she handed to Dawn.
Dawn examined the statue, confused. "What is it?"
"I got it when I was in Japan, years ago. It's a Buddhist deity known as Jizo – he's the protector of miscarried, stillborn, and aborted babies," she explained.
Cradling the little figure, Dawn stroked her thumb over its bald head, seemingly unable to form words.
Emily went on to say, "There's a ceremony to ask him to protect the babies. I think we should have the ceremony."
Seeming unable to take her eyes off the little figurine, Dawn nodded slowly.
They'd decided to invite Maggie to their little Jizo ceremony; while she'd seemed surprised by the invitation, she'd shown up at the Buddhist centre anyway.
"So, how does this work?" Maggie asked as they stood in the little garden off the centre's main building.
Emily pulled an assortment of fabric scraps (that Garcia had given her) and some sewing supplies from her bag. "We sit in silence and each make a hat or bib or something to dress one of the Jizo statues," she explained. "When we're done, we gather around the altar and call upon Jizo – or anyone we feel like invoking – to be present for our offerings.
"When we're ready, one by one, we come forward to say words to our child – silently or aloud – then offer what we've made to one of the Jizos. Then, we bow and return to our circle."
Silence followed for a few moments.
"We don't have to talk about our grief or loss or anything?" Dawn asked.
She shook her head, reached for her hand to squeeze it gently.
The three of them settled on the ground and set about working on their offerings. Emily hadn't anticipated any emotions welling up, considering just how much time had passed, but found tears filling her eyes.
At first, her instinct was to stifle them, to swallow them down, but she realized that she wasn't alone in her grief in that moment. When she looked up from her sewing, she locked eyes with Dawn, who had tears spilling down her face. Neither said anything. There was no need.
Feeling like she'd been given silent permission to cry, Emily glanced back at her work, though she couldn't quite see the needle through the tears.
When she pricked her finger, she fought the urge to curse as blood welled up, staining the cloth. She bit down hard on her lip, attempting to still her shaking hands.
Dawn's hand came to rest on her wrist, then, gently stilling her movements. Emily looked up to meet her eyes again. Dawn nodded once and together, they took several deep breaths.
Emily smiled her appreciation.
Dawn's return smile was full of thanks. Whether for making her do this or for her presence or for everything and nothing, Emily couldn't be sure. It didn't matter, though. They were here and they were together.
