A/N:

i hate this chapter

genuinely

but i wrote it, so here we are

fyi: this is another AU chapter, where OCbito pops in right after being crushed by boulders :D


Obito pauses, lips slightly parted and eyes half-lidded, and stares at the crustiest old man he's ever seen. He then glances to the side, where he sees two decidedly unhuman, pale creatures that stand off to the side, and takes a deep breath of dank cave air.

"That's fucked," he blurts out.

Madara stares. Zetsu stares. Guruguru stares. Obito is just glad that he hadn't commented on everything else that's wrong with this picture. And that's… a whole lotta things.

"Sorry," Obito says anyway, then winces when Madara narrows his eyes at him. He's not quite sure if the old man still has the ability to jiu jitsu him to death (what with being tied to a gigantic soul-sucking tree and all), but he's not too eager to find out. "Uh… I think we got off on the wrong foot. My name's Obito." And you're one of the founders of Konoha, and also batshit insane. What a wonderful situation to be in.

"Obito," the man intones slowly, voice quiet but piercing. Obito squints, because there's absolutely no way that's natural. "It is nice to meet you."

He stops speaking there, and Obito realizes that he's probably supposed to continue… whatever this is.

"Ah… yeah. You too." He tries to remember what the hell had been said in canon, but comes up short. "...And who are you?"

"I am the one that healed you," the man tells him instead of introducing himself immediately, because he's a dramatic bitch. Either that, or this is part of his brainwashing techniques. He honestly wouldn't be surprised if it was both. "And I intend on making you pay me back in full."

Alright, that's not creepy at all.

"Oh?" Obito says with a winning smile. "And how's that?"

Madara frowns as if he's said something unexpected, and Obito tries not to think about how it makes the man look constipated. "Neither of us can get out of here with these bodies," he eventually says, and for the first time, Obito actually bothers to look down at himself.

And… wow, he thinks a little hysterically, that's not good .

"As for who I am…," Madara says after a moment, "I am the ghost of the Uchiha. Madara Uchiha."

Obito really, really knows that he should hold his tongue, but he's sleep deprived, stressed, and has somehow managed to find himself in a fictional universe. So, instead of saying something normal , he tells Madara fucking Uchiha , "I named my hedgehog after you." Then, as if it'll make it any better, he adds, "He died last year."

The man stares at him again. Obito closes his eyes for a long, pained second and tries to smile. It probably looks more like a grimace.

"Speaking of dead Madaras," he starts with, further showing off his genius, "I'm pretty sure Madara Uchiha has been gone for ages now."

Madara somehow stays on script despite looking like he regrets a majority of his life decisions. "Then I suppose… I am a relic from the past. If I was not receiving a steady supply of chakra from that statue back there," he reveals, "I would be dead in an instant. I am cheating death."

Obito raises his gaze, eyeing the statue before grimacing. He's not sure whether it's fortunate or not that he can't move without sliding across the floor like a half-dead slug. On one hand, if he could move, he might be able to disconnect Madara from the statue and prevent any future bullshit from taking place. On the other , he's fairly certain that if he screwed up even slightly , Madara would be able to murder him in an instant.

"We are going to break the cycle of cause and effect," Madara eventually says, and Obito wonders if he'd gotten impatient when he hadn't replied immediately. It wouldn't surprise him, given what he remembered of the man's general temperament. "Create a world with only victors. With only peace. With only love… A world that contains nothing but those things."
Nice thought, terrible idea for execution, Obito thinks, but wisely does not say. Instead, he asks, "And why should I help?"

Madara eyes him. "Either this, or you die," he says, and it's blunt rather than threatening . "And I will take that eye of yours before you do."

"...Right," Obito lets out, mouth a little dry. Although making fun of the situation is all well and good, he still isn't very keen on the idea of having all of his bones shattered by an old man, nor is he fond of the thought of having his eye - the Sharingan, which is a whole different problem that he will think about later - plucked from its socket.

Afterwards, the room settles into uncomfortable silence. Obito does not manage to fall asleep that night.


"So!" Obito asks a little while after Madara has fallen asleep, "Where are we, huh? Do you know where my team is?" He knows that they're probably in Konoha by now, but he figures he might be able to fish for some information, at least.

"We're in a cave!" Guruguru provides helpfully.

Scratch that.

"Ah," Obito says. "I see."

Despite having the Sharingan, he does not, in fact, see.


When the day comes for Problems™ to arise, Obito is prepared.

"Oh shit!" he says, "Look out! It's a convenient excuse to look over there!"

"Where?!" Guruguru asks with a gasp.

Obito tries not to think about how ridiculous it is that his 'distraction' worked, and before Guruguru tightens his control once again, he leaps out into the clearing.

Kakashi stares. Rin stares. The Kiri nin stare. Obito gets a major sense of deja vu.

"Obito?" Kakashi breathes out, looking like he's about to pass out. Rin looks even worse off than him, but equally as bewildered by the turn of events.

"...Yo," Obito lets out. "Uh. Sorry I'm late. I got lost on the road of life."

"Wait a minute!" Guruguru says then, "You tricked me!"

There's a brief moment of awkward silence before the Kiri ninja converge.

Obito winces when he feels the cells around his flesh harden. "Yeah, yeah! But if you don't let me fight back, we'll both die!"

Guruguru remains silent for a moment before harrumphing. "Fine! But you gotta come back to the cave afterwards!"

"Sure, whatever," Obito agrees with absolutely no intention to revisit his new least favorite Uchiha ever again.

With that, Guruguru loosens his hold, and Obito runs straight into the fray, where Kakashi and Rin are weaving between attacks.

"Sorryaboutthisillexplainlater!" he word-vomits as he passes by Kakashi to kick a kiri ninja in the face. Kakashi whips around, eyes wide, but quickly collects himself - for the time being, at least - when a kiri nin almost takes his ear off with a kunai.

There's only a few kiri ninja left when Rin makes her move. Instead of simply snatching her away, Obito panics and latches onto her, squeezing his burning eyes shut and bracing himself for impact.

The pain never comes.

When he opens his eyes, he sees Kakashi gaping at him, chidori halfway into his chest. He hears a crack, and as he's staring at Rin's pale face, Guruguru shatters.

"Oh," Obito says. "Shit."

He then promptly passes out.


Somehow, the seal on his heart had been ripped to shreds. Minato-sensei says something about Kakashi's chidori, which Obito accepts, if only so he doesn't have to think about how it's suspiciously convenient to the plot.

Unfortunately, Rin's seal remains. Or… kind of unfortunately. After the whole trying to kill herself thing - which Kushina berates her heavily for, before taking her under her wing - she manages to start developing a tentative friendship with Isobu, which only serves to make her all the more terrifying.

And when it comes time to finally tell everyone what happened to him…

"Well you see," Obito begins, "There was an old man who wanted my help."

"What? With his groceries?" Kakashi asks dryly, even though his visible eye betrays his worry.

"World peace, actually," Obito answers cheerfully. When everyone looks at him skeptically, he adds, "I wish I were kidding."

"And who was this old man?" the Sandaime asks, sounding perfectly neutral.

Obito eyes the council - which Minato had to fight tooth and nail to ensure that his team (plus Kushina) could be around for the questioning - and hums, lips curling into a smirk. " The ghost of the Uchiha ," he intones in a deep voice, because he, like the old man, is also a dramatic bitch. " Madara Uchiha ."

The room erupts into chaos.


A/N:

please forgive me, i was horribly sleep deprived and trying way too hard to be funny (hence why most of it is not)
gotta love it when you word vomit on the page so much that your characters start doing it too

also, i've never had a hedgehog in my life, but god do i want one

anyway
Thanks for reading!