Romancing the Ambergris
Chapter 3:
Even without faces, the two U-boats seemed to be staring down each other. The hagfishes that were carrying S.S Joe seemed to be itching for their master to give them an order.
"Sloppy…Joe?" The girl with the beret asked. "Who's he?"
"A criminal who's been terrorizing our city for years." Andy clarified, scowling.
"Terrorizing!" Sloppy Joe's voice echoed thru the radio. "I'm just trying to have a good time. It's just that our city is full of party poppers that doesn't want to let me but that will soon change. You see, there's always been two problems with my stinkbombs. They either get disabled by those mean Grossologits or their stench dissipates too quickly."
"Grossologists? That sounds familiar for some reason." Paige said, placing a finger to her chin.
Andy's shoulders slumped. 'Man, we really don't get much appreciation. I guess since all we deal with is gross stuff, people just sees us as glorified sanitation workers.'
"Once I get my hands on the ambergris thou I'll create my biggest, smelliest stinkbomb to date and explode it above Ringworm City." Sloppy Joe continued, his voice growing increasingly more excited. "The stench will last for centuries."
Andy was about to give the grimy criminal a rebuttal when Paige spoke up. "That ambergris is mine you low-life trash! I'm going to use it for my perfume and I won't let you get your greasy hands on it! You hear me! I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT SO YOU BETTER GO BACK TO DUMPSTER DIVING YOU STINKIN' HOBO!"
Sloppy Joe's teeth were gritting and his left eye twitched in pain from girl's voice stabbing him thru his ears. "Are-are you a banshee?" He asked fearfully.
"No, I'm Paige Logan and this egghead I have with me is Andy Stefanuik, the inventor of the acne-ray and national gaming champion. With him on our side you stand no chance to find the ambergris before we do." The millionaire daughter spoke thru his radio.
"Um, Paige…" Andy nervously said, hoping to deescalate the situation, "maybe you shouldn't-
"So, you don't have my ambergris. In that case I guess we're in a race to see who can find it first and since I'm such a rotten player, I going to give myself a little head start." Sloppy Joe mused before pushing a button on the control board in front of him.
A garbage can-looking-canon was lowered down from S.S Joe's hull and fired what appeared to be a massive black plastic bag. It collided sharply with the front of Paige II, ripped apart and smeared the U-boat with tons of putrid fish waste and fish heads.
"Eeeeeeew!" All three girls squealed in unison.
"That's a lot of dead fish but it doesn't seem to have hurt the ship in anyway." Andy exclaimed, looking over his instruments.
Sloppy Joe's laugher crackled thru the radio system. "It's not the dead ones you ought to be worried about." He then raised his voice. "Haggard, Mildred, sick 'em!"
The two hagfishes easily slipped thru their harnesses and charged at Paige II. Their elongated bodies looped around the ship as they worked themselves into a feeding frenzy, coating it in a thick layer of slime in the process.
Vicky hanged onto her beret wearing friend who herself was staggering as the ship trembled each time the sea monsters' fat heads or tail flukes smacked against the ship. "Ah!" With a shriek, beret girl lost her balance and fell on top of her diadem wearing friend, smushing her head with her endowments.
'Oh god…' Vicky thought, blushing immensely.
Sloppy Joe's chuckles once again crackled thru the radio. "I came across these cuties while taking a bath in Ringworm's contaminated lake. I came there for the sludge, they came for the dead fish. I felt a certain kinship to these slimy scavengers so I tamed them by feeding them rotten meat. Aren't they adorable?'
The giant hagfishes swam underneath and around one another before departing, leaving Paige II enveloped in a massive sheet of slime. Weighed down by all this mucus, Andy's submarine started sinking towards the bottom.
"Andy, do something!" Paige shouted at him.
"I'm trying to but all this slime is interfering with my instruments."
Paige II hit the bottom with a soft thud, casting up a cloud of sand particles.
Seeing this, Sloppy Joe took off his pirate hat and gave an elegant bow (even thou no one could see him). "Remember this day land crabs as the day all your hopes were dashed by me, the scurvies of sea dogs. The foulest of seafarers. Captain Sloppy Joe!" He laughed maniacally as the hagfishes returned to their harnesses and swiftly carried his U-boat away.
"Andy, he's going to take my ambergris!" Paige exclaimed as she grabbed the chubby teenager by his shirt and started shaking him. "Do something!"
'Wow, we're not even a couple yet and she's already busting my balls like we're married.' Andy thought.
At the café…
"This is going great." Naomi exclaimed cheerfully. "They've been talking non-stop for more than an hour about stuff I can't even pronounce."
"Yeah, although it seems like LabRat is doing most of the talking." Ty commented as he and his girlfriend observed LabRat and Alicia from their table in the café.
"So I told him that they don't use carbon but potassium which has a half-life of one billion and twenty-five million years which is measured against argon, its daughter isotope." LabRat said, enthusiastically telling Alicia a story from his youth.
"And what did he say?" The girl eagerly asked.
"He said," LabRat paused for dramatic effect, "who's the dad isotope?" The two burst out laughing.
"What an ignoramus." Alicia stated.
"Yeah…" LabRat sighed before scratching the back of his head. "Hope you don't mind me saying so but I really like what you've done with your hair."
Alicia smiled and patted her indigo locks. "Thank you. It used to be red but I dyed it."
"Did you do it today?"
She blinked. "No. What makes you say that?"
"You have some paint stains on your hand there." LabRat pointed at her right hand.
Alicia inspected her hand and upon seeing the blue spots, her eyes dilated. She tried brushing them off with her thumb but instead she just made them bigger. She froze up for a moment before abruptly standing up. "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom and wash that off."
"Oh, you don't have to be embarrassed. I don't mind." LabRat tried to reassure her.
"Yeah but I'm a bit insecure about being dirty in public so if you don't mind…" Without waiting for an answer, Alicia marched in a brisk pace towards the bathroom.
She stepped into the small little lavatory. Grateful that it was unoccupied, she locked the door before fishing a small, D-shaped device out of her jack pocket and pressed a tiny button on its side. The screen in the centre of the device flickered to light before projecting a miniature hologram of Roger Pink-Eye.
"What's your status, Sally?" Roger asked thru his holographic avatar.
"Oh, I'm single but also FREAKING DISINTEGRATING!" She shouted at him.
Roger raised an eyebrow. "Already?"
"Yes. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up? Oh god, I'm freaking out." She squeezed her face between her hands in frustration. "I mean, what if I turn into my other form right in front of everybody?"
"Calm down, partner." Roger exclaimed, undulating his hands. "Have you managed to isolate the target?"
"No and two other Grossologists are here with him, although they pretend not to know each other." Alicia replied with an eye roll.
"That's unfortunate. Get LabRat to our designated rendezvous point and I'll pick you up."
"Can you at least help me bag him?" Alicia asked anxiously. "I don't know if I can do it on my own."
"You can, you've trained for this." Roger reassured her, giving her a lopsided smile. "Besides, the Grossologists know me so it's best if I remain unseen."
"Oaky… wish me luck." The girl calling herself Alicia said before turning off the device and pocketing it. She then pulled a pair of white gloves out of her jacket and fitted them to her hands.
She took a deep breath to calm her nerves before opening the door and marching back to where LabRat was happily waiting for her.
"Did it go well?"
Alicia simple nodded in response. Instead of sitting back down in her chair, she remained standing next to her date. "Hey, is it okay if we go somewhere else?"
LabRat blinked. "Um, where to?"
"The old ice rink by the university. It's only a few blocks from here?" She jerked her thumb in the intended direction.
"I don't know…" LabRat deflated. "I'm not all that good on ice."
Visible disappointed, the girl frowned and tilted her head. "Well, we don't have to. It's just that," Alicia sighed, "it's always been a dream of mine to go ice skating with a cute guy on Valentine's day," she placed a hand on his shoulder and looked into his eyes "I've just never met one who liked me enough take me out on that ice."
The young scientist sat like frozen under her soulful gaze. He then smiled and rose out of his chair. "Well, this cute guy do. Come on, let's go."
"Thank you Paul." Alicia exclaimed with relief in her voice. The two hooked arms and walked out of the café.
Naomi's eyes followed the blossoming couple as they left. "They're leaving. Should we go after them?"
Ty pouted ponderously as he considered it. "Nah, I think we should let LabRat fly solo for a bit. It be good for his self-esteem."
"You're probably right." Naomi nodded. "Besides, he and Alicia seem to get along really well."
"Right, so we should give them a little bit of privacy." Ty concurred. "And besides, LabRat has means to contact us if he needs to."
Naomi nodded again. "So, should we get back to our Valentine plans?"
"Sure. We can start with buying some of that off-price blueberry pie." Ty replied, pointing to a menu.
Naomi frowned. "Pie? I thought we would have dinner at my place."
"Yeah but we can do both, can't we?" Ty flashed her one of his charming smiles.
"You'll spoil your appetite." The bespectacled girl said, crossing her arms over her chest.
Ty sighed. "Fine. I'll starve until you decide to feed me then."
"If you're so hungry maybe we should have supper instead?"
Ty's frown eased a bit. "Yeah, I think that would be much better?"
"Good, then let's head over to my place for supper."
He smiled. "I like how we settle our arguments."
Naomi couldn't help but smile too.
Inside Paige II at the bottom of the Ocean…
Andy pushed the lever forward and the submarine's machinery roared like an angry beast until screeching to a halt. The plump teenager pulled the lever back before once again thrusting it forward and the same guttural sound came from the back of the ship. "I can't get it to move. The ship works fine but it's too weighed down by all that goo."
"Weighed down?" The girl with the beret squinted. "I thought the problem was that we were caught cause it was so sticky."
"Hagfish slime is actually not sticky." Andy replied and pushed a button on his control board, activating one of the monitors. It showed photos taken by an electronic microscope, photos that matched Andy's explanation. "You see, hagfish slime is made out of threads of proteins with water absorbing mucus fastened in-between them. The more water the mucus absorbs the further these threads expand and the heavier the slime gets."
Paige hummed and clutched her chin, remembering how easy it was for Andy to cast the slime off of her earlier. "So it's a bit like falling into the pool with your clothes on and they get wet and heavy."
"And hopefully see thru." Andy whispered to himself with a mischievous smirk. Suddenly, his eyes dilated in realization. "Wait! I got an idea."
Flashback!
Yesterday, in the Gaglab…
"Andy, where's Lance Boil's old sub and what is that monstrosity?" A rather vexed LabRat asked. "Is this another villainous death machine you've taken from the Gross Vault?"
"No, no, this is Lance's old submarine. I decided to turn it into a transformer like I did with the GRS-1. You know, give it a bit of my personal flare." Andy replied.
"When would you ever need to transform a perfectly functioning sub into…that?" LabRat asked, aggressively gesturing to the machine.
The brunette taped his chin. "Um, I don't know but it looks cool."
LabRat facepalmed.
End Flashback!
"Look and behold, ladies when style and substance synergize." Andy proclaimed and pushed a button that said CONVERT. The machinery of Paige II started humming and shaking.
The outer shell of the submarine started to transform. The rudder became horizontal and wider until it resembled a large tailfin. Two large paddles folded out of the ship's undercarriage by its tail end. The front sides unfurled and disjointed, becoming huge lobster-like claws. Finally, a dome covered the front of the submarine and the square windows were replaced by a pair of round ones that resembled compound eyes. With the transformation now complete, Paige II now looked like a colossal, mechanical sea scorpion.
"Wha-what did you do with the boat?" Vicky asked confused.
Andy pressed a button and a blueprint of the old ship model next to its now transformed form popped up on one of the monitor screens. "I transformed it."
"Into a lobster?" Vicky asked puzzled.
"More like a sea scorpion, a marine arthropod from the Silurian period." Andy explained. Then, a pair of metallic gloves, silvery with glowing green wires was lowered down from the ceiling. "Paige, steer the claws for me, will you." Andy exclaimed.
Paige was about to reprimand him for bossing her around but at this point she was too desperate to get off the sea floor that she simple did as he said. Hesitantly, she stuck her hands inside the gloves. "What do I do now?"
"Look at the screen." Andy said and Paige looked at the monitor screen right in front of her, showing her the slime flailing around the ship. "Pretend like your reaching for the slime and rip it apart."
The queen bee snarled in disgust but decided not to complain. With the electronic gloves she reached towards the screen and she saw the claws of the submarine reach for the slime as well. As the girl squeezed her fingers, the giant claws clamped down on the sheet of goo and when she stretched out her arms, those mechanical claws tore the slime to shreds. "Whoa!"
"Good job, Paige, Now, take easy on the-
"I got this, Andy!" Paige cut him off before proceeding to use the ship's claws to cut, rip and dismembering the mucus around them, all while laughing like a maniac.
"I think having command of a giant robot has made Paige into even more of a control freak." Vicky whispered to Andy, sounding genuinely scared.
After Paige had done even more damage to the slime sheet, Andy once again pushed the lever and with one powerful stroke of the tail flipper, Paige II whipped up a cloud of sand and leaving a crater underneath it as it took off into the open ocean.
"We're free girls." Andy announced to everyone's cheers.
"Now we can finally go home." Vicky chirped but her cheerful attitude was cut short by her leader's angry glare.
"We're not going anywhere before we've found my ambergris." Paige exclaimed before turning her attention to the sole male aboard. "Isn't that right, Andy?"
"Honestly, I don't know, Paige. The whale carcass was not where I thought it would be and Sloppy Joe is probably on his way to find it considering how sensitive the hagfish's sense of smell is." Andy admitted and lowered his head in defeat. Despite what Paige thought, Andy wasn't just depressed cause he couldn't give her a Valentine's gift. 'If Sloppy Joe actually manages to find ambergris, he'll be able to render Ringworm City unliveable for decades. Maybe it's time I call Ty and the others for help but they know just as little as me as to where Joe is or where he's going.' He grit his teeth in despair. 'Damn it! I'm the only one who knows that our town is in danger yet I am so pathetic I can't even do anything about it.'
"Hey Andy." Beret girl's voice brought him out of his stupor and he looked at her. "While you, Paige and Vicky was diving outside I happened to look at your calculations." The auburn blonde said as she flickered the little notepad in her hand.
Andy blinked. "You read my notes. Why?"
The beret wearing girl shrugged. "I just saw it lying about. If you wanted to keep it private you should have placed it were no one could see it. Anyway, I noticed some mistakes and took the liberty to fix 'em." She held up the page with Andy's calculations to his face, the blue ink scribbles now crossed over by what he could only guess was pink lipstick.
He snatched the notepad and started reading, mumbling to himself as he did. *mumble* *mumble* "I guess I didn't consider leap years." *mumble**mumble* "Take the stormy spring weather under consideration." *mumble**mumble* He then slowly looked up at the girl with the beret. "This-this could be accurate."
"Of course it's accurate." The girl stated in a smug tone.
"What are you math geeks on about?" Paige asked impatiently.
"What's-her-name corrected my calculations as to where the sperm whale is. So now we know where to actually find it." Andy explained.
"What's-her-name? You mean you don't know who I am?" Beret girl asked offended.
Andy sheepishly scratched the back of his head while nervously smiling. "Sorry. I've never learned your name."
The girl with the beret sighed. "It's Tammy. Tammy Creed. Seriously, we've gone to the same school for years and you're my BFF's number one stalker."
'Like she remembers everyone's names. Also, I'm not a stalker.' The brunette thought while rolling his eyes but for the sake of peace he decided not to voice his opinion. "Alright, now when we have a better idea as to where the whale carcass is all we have to do is get there before Sloppy Joe does." He exclaimed as he sat down and fed in the new coordinates into Paige II's computer. The submarine changed direction and started propelling itself thru the murky waters with the mighty tailfluke.
While Paige was happy to once again be aiming for the ambergris and the other girls were happy for her good mood, Andy was still contemplating on whether or not he should call for backup.
'Hey Andy, this is your rationale talking. Now when you know where Sloppy Joe's going you should definitely call the other Grossologists. You know you're going to need their help.'
'Don't listen to him, Andy! I am your libido and I'm saying that if you bring the team into this they'll ruin your chances with Paige. Tammy and Vicky are distracting enough.'
'Don't think like that, Andy. You know that Sloppy Joe's going to wherever that whale is. That means that you're going to cross path with him. To ensure everyone's safety you should call in the others.'
'Hey Rationale, do you see this knife? Well, in a few seconds you won't if you don't shut up!'
'Okay, okay, I'll be quiet. Just chill out, man.'
'That's right, wussy. Now listen Andy, you are going to find that ambergris and defeat that villain all on your own. That will surely impress Paige. Remember, you are the Pussinator.'
"Pussinator, oh-yeah." Andy whispered to himself but was heard by the others none-the-less.
Paige stared at him like he'd grown an extra head. "Andy…what are you talking about?"
"Huh?" Andy blinked confused before turning to his crush. "Oh, nothing. Just a nickname I've been thinking of for myself."
Now it was Paige's turn to blink. "Okaaaaay…Vicky, switch place with me."
The alpha blonde left her seat and the diadem wearing girl sat down in her place. She shot Andy a friendly smile and when he smiled back she turned away, blushing.
And so, Paige II now in the shape of a horrifying sea creature continued even further out to sea, with a new destination in sight.
Ringworm city, inside the Ice skating rink by the university…
"These skates are smaller than I thought." LabRat complained, sitting on a bench and trying to squeeze his foot inside the brown ice skates he'd rented from the rink. The couple on their Valentine's Date were lucky. They had the indoor ice skating rink all to themselves.
"I'll help you with that." Alicia offered.
LabRat couldn't help but blush and look away as the incredible attractive girl kneeled down in front of him and held his ice skate in place, allowing him to force his foot in the rest of the way. "You know, I haven't ice skated since I was a kid. I may be a bit rusty." LabRat stated as he stood up and clumsily staggered to the edge of the rink.
He pushed himself onto the ice and the skates effortlessly took him seventeen feet across the rink. Just as he smiled at how well he was doing, he lost his balance and started flapping his arms like a bird before falling on his butt. "Ouch."
Alicia gracefully skated out to the fallen boy. "Rusty like an Iron Age axe, I'd say." She chuckled before offering him a helping hand. LabRat took her hand and she pulled to his feet. He was lighter than she thought so she accidentally pulled him too hard and he fell right on top of her or he would had she not steadied him.
The two remained embraced like that for a moment before LabRat lifted his face off her shoulder and locked eyes with her. "Whops, sorry."
Alicia took his hand. "Just follow my lead. I promise it's a lot more fun when you're not falling on your bum." She kicked off against the icy floor and LabRat was pulled along by her momentum. The two skated across the ice rink and even when Alicia gave him a bit more room, their hands never parted.
'Wow. My chest feels so warm yet I don't think I have a heartburn. Is this it? Is this what Ty feels when he's with Naomi?' LabRat thought, smiling.
"Here comes a turn. Hold on tight." Alicia exclaimed as they neared one of the rink's convex corners. As they made an eighty degree turn something very strange happened…
Alicia's arm stretched. It stretched and stretched and stretched until…
It snapped.
Alicia shrieked as she lost her balance and tumbled across the ice.
"Whoa. Alicia, you okay?" At that moment, LabRat noticed he was still holding onto the girl's severed arm. He yelped in fear and tossed the mutilated limb. The young scientist froze up and not due to the temperature. He stared at his dismembered date in utter shock.
"Damn! Stupid, ineffective cure. I thought it would last a little longer." Alicia growled as she rose onto her feet. "Not that it matters now."
Suddenly, Alicia started to transform. Her body turned blue and gelatinous with a myriad of multi-colored luminescence dotting her skin. Her clothes fell off her as her body became amorphous and her legs melted together into a snail foot.
LabRat gasped upon seeing her final form; a gelatinous, iridescent being with a skull for a face and disc-shaped protrusions atop her head. The only human features left was her breasts and five fingered hands. The young scientist got flashbacks of Slim and Salvador. "A-Alicia? You-you're a slimeman?" He stammered in fear.
"Sime girl. Pronounces are important you know." The mutant replied, her voice now having a slight gurgle to it. "And while I'm correcting you, my name's not Alicia. It's Sally! Sally Slime-Girl. Also, you're not my date…"
At that moment, the severed arm on the floor turned to the same gelatinous form as its owner, resembling a slimy, blue snake. It leaped off the ice and wrapped itself around LabRat's legs and torso like a boa constrictor. Luckily (maybe intentionally) he fell on his side rather than his back.
Like a cobra, Sally slithered up to the toppled boy. "…you're my target." Her fingers turned into long tendrils which she walloped at LabRat, ripping his backpack off his torso and throwing it at the nearest wall. She then wrapped him up in her slime and lifted him up so she could look him in the eyes.
LabRat gulped. "I suppose you don't want a second date, then?" He chuckled nervously.
The slimegirl's eyes narrowed angrily.
"I take that as a no."
In response, Sally Slime-Girl turned around and started to slither towards the exit, dragging her captive along with her.
As she ventured thru the hall, a group of people on their way to the ice rink screamed and ran away in a panic. "Monster!" One of them hollered as they ran.
"Don't look at me. Just keep out of my way." The mutated girl grunted as she continued slithering towards the door.
It took him some effort but the commotion gave LabRat the opportunity to free his arm and click the GrossWatch on his wrist. The word DISTRESS flashed on its little screen.
Sally Slime-Girl dragged him outside where an unassuming black van with a logo that spelled RAT CATHING SERVICE was waiting for them. She opened the side door and literally threw him inside, still wrapped up in a cocoon of slime.
"Nice pest control, Sally." A familiar male voice exclaimed.
Raising his gaze, LabRat's eyes dilated when he saw who sat in the driver's seat. "Roger Pink-Eye!"
"Flattered you remember me." Roger mused with a gap-toothed grin. The freckled ginger wore a purple suit, similar to his old slimesuit but with a big black D on it. His expression quickly soured. "I didn't remember you until a few months ago!"
"Can you two get reacquainted later?" Sally said as she slithered into the van. "I hate being seen like this." She mumbled as she sunk down on the car floor underneath the window.
Roger stepped on the gas pedal and the van drove off.
Author's Note:
So to recap this chapter, poor LabRat gets catfished while Andy got hagfished. See how it all fits together? Lol.
This chapter introduces an original character of mine; Sally Slime-Girl. Like Slim and Salvador, she's a slime mold/human hybrid. When I first created the character I had no intention of including her in my fanfics, I just wanted a slimeman based on Laproderma echinalatum which is this type of iridescent slime mold that lives in Australia (google it) but then I realized what a good character she could be and how she could contribute to the plot so I wrote her in.
The biggest hurdle of this chapter was definitely the exchange between Andy and Sloppy Joe. I don't think I've ever written a scene that changes perspective between two characters in two different locations, communicating over a radio. I didn't know if adding scene-transitions would make the scene more or less confusing. In the end I went with it so people can tell when we're inside Paige II and when we're inside SS Joe.
It was always planned that Andy's submarine would transform, it has sort of become his special ability but I had a hard time deciding on what it would turn into. At first I considered a lobster, giving it a lot of crushability but not much speed. Then I considered a squid, making it quicker but somewhat lacking in weaponry but then I thought of the perfect sea creature, Pterygotus, the giant sea scorpion. I admit, this does make it look a lot like the Leviathan in Disney's Atlantis the Lost Empire but to be honest, I had completely forgotten that movie even existed till a few days ago.
In this chapter I reveal the name of Paige's friend with the beret, Tammy Creed (although I did accidentally use it in a previous chapter, whoops). Like with Vicky Summers her last name is taken from an X-Men character, in this case its Sabretooth (aka Victor Creed). Just like how Vicky is an idiot savant with expertise on marine mammals, Tammy is an idiot savant with some pretty wicked math skills.
As always any feedback you can give me is greatly appreciated.
Stay safe and take care, my fellow Grossologists.
