A/N: And that's it folks - Year One done! We are now a whole year post time travel. So, I was thinking about how to continue the same kind of pacing without this fic being like 60 chapters long. I am going to do monthly ficlets I think, to show the changing of time. I hope the flow still works well and it doesn't feel forced or disjointed. Still lots of fluff coming your way for now, so I hope you enjoy!
—-
If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough
Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars
—-
Chapter 17: The Whole Truth
In early June, James came home from a twelve hour shift at the Orchid to Miles and Juliet hugging on his couch. Instinctively he tensed, seeing someone else holding Juliet close the way only he was able to. But she met his eyes over Miles's shoulder, looking sad. A warning.
"The hell's goin' on here?" he asked slowly, almost warily, as he dropped his knapsack by the door. He closed it behind him with a soft click.
He was furthermore surprised by Miles's hands shooting up to swipe at his face before he turned and met James's hard stare. "Nothing, boss. Nothing."
"Miles…" Juliet prompted quietly, lying a hand reassuringly on Miles's shoulder. The way she normally did for James.
"No, it's okay, Juliet. I don't wanna be around you two lovebirds right now. I'm gonna go." He stood to leave, but James put his hand out in protest.
"Now wait just a damn second. What'd I miss?" He locked eyes with Juliet once more, who only flicked her gaze back up to Miles who was now standing and collecting - tissues? - from the coffee table. James's jaw dropped as he processed what he was seeing. Miles had been crying and Juliet had been comforting him. What the hell was going on?
"Just tell him Miles, really. It's okay," Juliet encouraged softly, in a voice James associated with her previous profession. It was even and clear and well-practiced - almost sterile.
"Yeah, so he can give me shit about it? No thanks," Miles muttered under his breath and tossed his tissues in the trash can in the kitchen.
"I ain't gonna give you shit. The hell did I do?" James argued in his defense. It came out more gruff than he'd intended, but he was exhausted and blindsided by the sudden company.
Miles sighed and put his hands on his hips. He bit his lip and shook his head, clearly debating with himself. Juliet, still sitting on the couch, watched him with sympathy. "Sandra and I broke up," he stated simply, looking directly at James as if to challenge him to say something.
James frowned. Since when was a break-up something that would get Miles crying? They'd only been together a few months, and it was casual, at best. He felt himself frowning, and he crossed his arms over his chest, not really knowing what else to do with them. "Oh. Uh. Sorry, man," he murmured, and shifted his weight onto one foot. He didn't really know what else to say.
Miles cut Juliet a secret look and muttered, "Yeah, whatever," before weaving around James and throwing open the door, slamming it behind him.
James turned his head, startled by the action, before looking back at Juliet in total bewilderment. "The hell did I do?" he asked again, amazed by Miles's reaction. Juliet looked at him with the same expression of sympathy she'd given to Miles, and finally rose from her spot on the couch. She pulled him into a hug, locking her arms firmly around his neck.
"You didn't do anything. He's just sensitive right now," she explained, and inhaled deeply, almost instinctively, at his neck. It inflated James's ego, if only marginally, whenever she did that. He pulled her in close and kissed her cheek.
"Then why'd he think I was gonna give him shit?"
Juliet scoffed a small laugh. "Because you usually do." They acted like brothers, the two of them. She couldn't say she really blamed Miles for wanting to hide his pain from James.
"I do not!" James pulled away, looking down into Juliet's face with a faux-hurt expression.
Juliet grinned and removed her arms from around his shoulders. "You do, sometimes. Anytime he shows any sensitivity, you tease him until he goes right back to being an asshole." She grabbed a beer from the kitchen fridge and brought it to James, who kicked off his boots and flopped down onto the couch.
"Ain't my fault he's a sissy sometimes. I swear, livin' with these hippies ain't done him no good on that front. When he got here off the freighter, the dude was a huge pain in the ass, but at least I could respect him for it."
"You just say that because he was just like you," Juliet murmured, and sipped a beer of her own as she sat down next to him on the couch. Real hurt momentarily flashed across James's eyes, and Juliet put a hand on his knee before rephrasing. "What I mean is, you two have always been like kindred spirits. You must think it's odd to know that Miles, too, is an actual person underneath that mask he puts on around everyone else. He has feelings, just like you do."
James raised an eyebrow - Juliet's mocking stare could cut glass. "Why's he so beat up over Sandra Dee anyway? Ain't like he loved her."
Her coy smirk faltered. Love… such a tricky word. "No, he didn't. But he liked her a lot. And she's sleeping with Gavin now." James nodded. Gavin was one of the mechanics Juliet worked with. He was an asshole, too. "But that's not the point," Juliet added. "It's lonely here. I mean God, you remember how it was for us last June. For me," she sighed softly. "He finally had some companionship. And now he doesn't. That's tough."
"But it ain't like we're takin' her with us when we leave, sweetheart," James snorted. "He'da had to leave her eventually." He chugged down his beer, and when he pulled the can down from his mouth, Juliet was giving him a curious look. Her eyebrows were narrowed, almost in suspicion, and her lips were slightly pursed. "What?" he asked, and let out a low burp.
Juliet said nothing. She inhaled deeply through her nose and handed him the rest of her beer. James's callousness still caught her by surprise sometimes.
"What?" he asked again, more insistent.
Juliet rose from the couch and gave him a sad smile before leaving to walk down the hallway. James sputtered, not understanding what had just happened. He heard the shower turn on, but somehow he knew it wasn't an open invitation.
He found leftovers in the fridge and ate them cold while she showered. He didn't even bother to sit at the table, just unwrapped the tin foil on the kitchen counter and picked at the chicken and vegetables she'd carefully wrapped up for him. Later, when she was done, he took his turn, barely having the energy to slip into a pair of boxers before sliding into bed next to Juliet. He was almost asleep when a small voice permeated the stillness of the dark room.
"You wouldn't leave me behind, would you James?"
James's heart skipped a beat. "No," he said simply, but insistently. He remembered their pinky promise in the security station months and months ago. The memory seeped into his mind like curling smoke.
The question caught him off guard, that was for sure. But his exhaustion overpowered the need to continue to reassure her. He drifted off to sleep, clinging to Juliet's waist, hoping his touch could convey what his words could not.
—-
A week later, James and Miles were working an overnight shift at the station. James tried in vain to ignore the ka-thunk, ka-thunk, ka-thunk of Miles tossing a rubber ball at the wall, but the sound was echoing in the silence of the security station and the static from the monitors wasn't loud enough to drown it out. He tried singing songs in his head, tried doing paperwork, but nothing would distract him from the annoying noise.
Just as his jaw was starting to ache from the gnawing pressure, he took a deep breath and decided to break the tension. "Gavin's a piece a' shit."
The ka-thunking stopped. Miles swiveled his chair around, glaring hard at James. For a moment, he wondered if he'd made a mistake. Surely Miles wouldn't appreciate the fact that Juliet had broken Miles's confidence. Maybe he should have just refrained from saying anything at all?
"Yeah. Yeah he fucking is," Miles grumbled.
James said nothing at first, taking in Miles's slumped shoulders and irritated frown. Then, if only to get Miles talking to him again, he added, "She's a bitch, too."
Miles chuckled, surprised. "That too."
It took a little while, but eventually Miles told James how he'd figured it out. James listened, not truly caring one way or another, but he knew he needed to prove himself here. Juliet wasn't the only one he'd grown to care for this last year, and he didn't know how else to show it. He certainly couldn't say it - he wasn't a pansy. But he could let his friend vent at least.
By the end of their shift, James felt lighter, even though he'd barely said anything at all.
—-
The annual Fourth of July bonfire got rained out, so it was postponed by a few days. By then though, most of the excitement had fizzled, and its attendees were only mildly interested in the annual display of American pride and camaraderie. Still though, Horace pulled out all the stops, hoping to renew everyone's spirits. They played music, had a mass cookout, and planned an even larger display of fireworks than he'd had the year prior.
Due to some issues with the construction of the Orchid, some of the scientists were grumpy and agitated, and the security team was only just starting to send its newest recruits out on patrol. They were finally not short-staffed, but morale was only just starting to come back up. It was important to Horace that everyone have fun. He was determined to make this the best Independence Day celebration yet, weather be damned.
James, Miles, and Jin entered into the volleyball competition against the team from the motor pool and won. Juliet had thought about playing, on which side she hadn't been sure, but decided it was much more fun to watch a shirtless James sweat instead. Even though she could touch him whenever she wanted now, the allure of watching him play and have fun was something else entirely. His joy was infectious, and she got a warm punch to the gut every time he cut his eyes her way, making sure she was watching when he scored. He was never disappointed - Juliet couldn't keep her eyes off him.
She was also pleasantly surprised to see Miles laughing and having a good time, and even more shocked when Carla, who worked with Amy, gave Miles a congratulatory hug when the judge declared them the winners. He snuck a cheeky glance over at her before placing a hand on Carla's lower back and leading her off the court. Juliet smiled, grateful that her friend was moving on.
"Go get your man, you know you want to," Amy crooned, and took a long sip of her iced tea. They were sitting in the same chairs they'd sat in last year, positioned to where they could watch the game. Amy had her legs crossed, her pale skin hidden away in the shade, protected from the sun.
"He'll come over when he's ready," Juliet grinned, giving Amy a sideways glance through her sunglasses. "You just wait." She sipped her own tea and heard Amy snort when James began to jog over to where Amy and Juliet were sitting only moments later. His tan skin was glistening and it made Juliet's heart hammer in her chest. She eyed the shorts slung low on his hips, and suddenly her breath caught in her throat.
"Howdy ladies," James crowed, and nodded gratefully when Juliet offered her tea up to him as he stood beside her. "Enjoy the game?" he asked, and took a long, deep swig. He handed the cup back to Juliet and made a little 'ahh' sound, before shaking his damp hair out of his eyes in a practiced, even flip.
Amy snorted again. "You could say that," she murmured against her cup, and laughed when Juliet smacked her arm. She didn't even need to say I told you so; Amy got the message. She knew Juliet had Jim wrapped around her finger, but she had no clue how whipped he truly was.
James barely registered the comment. He leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to Juliet's lips. She tasted like tea and honey, and he couldn't help but give her bottom lip a little nibble before pulling away. "Hot as hell out here, ain't it?" he commented, and swiped the top of his forearm across his forehead.
Juliet licked her lips, tasting the salt from his sweat. Wanting more. "Hot. Yeah," she agreed, and this time Amy smacked her arm.
"You know, I think I hear Horace looking for me. I'm going to go find him," Amy laughed, and adjusted her floppy hat before rising from her chair. "You two have fun at the party!" She was still giggling long after she left them behind.
"What's with her?" James asked, before flopping into Amy's vacated seat. He flashed Juliet a dimpled grin and ran a hand through his hair, slicking it back, somehow making himself look debonair, even with no shirt on.
Juliet reached out a hand and laced her fingers through his. She was just about to ask him to go inside when Jin approached them, his plate piled high with food. "Food is ready!" he announced with a broad, innocent smile, completely oblivious to the burning ache between Juliet's legs and the very different kind of hunger she felt in that moment. She closed her eyes, inhaling deeply to steady her heart. Before she could open her mouth to protest, saying they would eat later, James let go of her hand.
"Oh good, I'm fuckin' starvin'," he groaned. Jin handed James a hotdog off his plate, and it was gone in under three bites.
Juliet sighed. So much for her plans.
After dinner, when the sun had sunk close to the horizon, James began to help cut and pile the firewood on top of what would be the bonfire. Once more, his shirt was off and his back muscles were rippling as he chopped and stacked. The repetitive, even motions made Juliet feel hypnotized. Each time he looked over his shoulder at her, effectively catching her staring, she'd feel her cheeks (among other things) burn.
At one point, she thought he might even be flexing, but she couldn't be sure. It was like he was putting on a show, just for her, and it was exhilarating. She was captivated by him.
When the bonfire was ready, Horace passed James the torch to light it. He obliged, and soon the roaring, crackling fire was as tall as he was. But when he turned to catch Juliet's attention, he saw Amy had sat down beside her on the small sand dune, one arm looped through Juliet's. She was talking animatedly to Juliet in low tones, and Juliet flashed him an apologetic smile before turning her attention back to Amy. Whatever it was, it looked very much like something he shouldn't interrupt. He took deep, steadying breaths, willing away the growing ache in his shorts. He was glad it was too dark for anyone to notice.
Once the sky was completely dark, and the bonfire's glow was even and tempered, James finally felt Juliet's arms snake around his waist from behind. He was staring hard into the flames, zoned out and mesmerized by the shifting light. Her skin was cool and silky soft against his.
"She's gone," Juliet whispered. Her words fell upon the bare skin on his back, right below his shoulder. She kissed the spot, and goosebumps erupted, despite the lingering heat. He was glad he'd completely forgotten to put his shirt back on.
"Was it really that important?" he scoffed, and placed his arms atop hers, nestled at his waist.
"Mmmhmm," Juliet murmured, kissing his skin too lightly again. James felt a tingle in the back of his neck. He tensed, and pulled her arms until she was pressed more tightly against his back.
"You gonna tell me what it was?"
"Mm-Mm," she hummed, indicating her lips were sealed.
For a moment they stood there, watching the bonfire, feet nestled in the cool sand, glued to one another. James felt an indescribable sense of peace flood through him, being there with her like this, just letting her hold him. He thought back to last year, and how much had changed since then. How he'd felt watching the fireworks exploding beyond her head, and how the look she'd given him had made him melt. How even then, a part of him had loved her, though he'd done everything in his power to deny it. He knew how fruitless that was now.
After a moment, Juliet shifted, tugging James's arm up until she was tucked up under his armpit. He gripped her shoulder hard, and pulled her in tightly before planting a kiss atop her head.
"Let's skip the fireworks," she whispered into his ear. Her hot breath made his skin tingle. "We can make our own instead," she added, almost shyly.
James's stomach flipped in excitement. Juliet wasn't usually one for dirty talk, and her forwardness was a surprise. He needed no further convincing, and took her hand before leading her off the beach. He didn't dare look around to see if any of their friends had noticed; he didn't want Juliet feeling self-conscious.
He walked as briskly as he could without breaking out into a full-blown run. She stumbled a moment, trying to keep up with his long strides, and before she knew it he was turning around to sweep her up onto his shoulder in a fireman's carry. Her laughter echoed across the compound as she bumped and jostled the whole way back to their house.
They could hear the fireworks popping in the distance as he entered her, slick and warm and welcoming. They moved together, quietly but quickly, desperately clinging to one another as they'd wanted to do all day.
This time, as opposed to last year, Kate was the furthest thing from his mind as his own personal fireworks exploded behind his eyelids. He opened them, finding Juliet staring up at him in elation.
Blue eyes were the only things he wanted to see, for the rest of his days - and for the first time, he was perfectly content with that.
—-
A week before James's birthday, he and Juliet were sitting on the couch reading. Her socked feet were propped up in his lap, and she was fiddling with the strings on her hoodie as she read. James absentmindedly stroked his hand up and down her bare legs, enjoying the way her silky skin felt under his fingers.
When he paused his ministrations, Juliet looked up. He was watching her, his glasses low on his nose. They'd both been comfortable with the silence, but clearly he was trying to get her attention. "Everything okay?" she asked, lowering her book onto her lap with her finger marking her place.
"Yeah. Just thinkin'."
"What about?"
He pulled off his glasses and gave her a funny, sideways look. "You ain't asked me what I wanna do for my birthday yet." His tone was sharp, almost accusatory, but despite the jab, Juliet couldn't help but smile.
"Last year you said you didn't really care much for birthdays."
He scoffed. "That don't answer the question."
"I don't recall hearing a question, only a statement." James rolled his eyes - semantics. "And besides - what makes you think I haven't planned something already?" She sat up a little straighter, suddenly feeling a little guilty. He'd had a point - she hadn't thought much about it. She just figured they'd do dinner and invite Miles and Jin over. And maybe Horace, Amy, and Carla too, if she felt like James was in a good enough mood.
"Did you?" he asked bluntly, making Juliet pause. She smiled apologetically, raising her eyebrows and tilting her head a little, making James laugh. "Nevermind. Don't answer that."
"Is there something specific you'd like to do, James?" she sighed, reaching out to take his hand. Her pout was enough for him to forgive her.
"Actually, yeah. I wanna go camping. Like we did for Jin."
"Camping? Out on the beach?"
James nodded and rubbed his thumb across the side of her hand. "Yeah. I had fun last time. And we don't go enough." Juliet opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again. She didn't need to say what she was going to say - James already knew. "I've always liked the beach, Blondie. Even after months of livin' on it. It's nice to go back every once in a while."
She nodded. "Then that's what we'll do. Are we inviting everyone?"
James shook his head. "We can just do dinner and cake with 'em. You'll be makin' my cake, right?"
She nodded and smiled sweetly at him. "Absolutely."
"Good. Chocolate?"
"Of course."
"Okay. Then over the weekend we can go out just us. Whatcha think?"
Juliet raised their clasped hands up to her lips. She kissed the backs of his fingers, one by one. "Sounds wonderful," she purred. James grinned at her, and they both continued reading, holding their books one-handed, unwilling to let go of the other.
—-
James's camping trip hadn't started out the way either of them intended. They got a flat tire on the way out to the beach, which Juliet spent an hour changing. She wasn't strong enough to get the bolts off with the tools she had, and she was too proud to ask for James's help. She was the mechanic. She didn't need his help.
Eventually, she'd wiggled them just enough for her to unscrew, and was able to change the tire without him so much as lifting a finger, much to her satisfaction. He'd tried to offer his assistance; she'd just been too stubborn to accept it. So he'd stood off to the side, watching her with his arms crossed and a frown plastered on his face. This left both of them bitter and irritated as they finally made their way to the beach on the north end of the compound, where the waves were calm and the area was far more secluded. James immediately went to work building a shelter in the treeline just in case it rained, and Juliet gathered wood for a fire.
With her hands full, she didn't see the wire he'd strung up, and ended up knocking into it, bouncing off and dropping her branches but also destroying the progress he'd made. He growled and cursed, slapping down the tarp and stalking off into the jungle without even asking if she was okay.
Juliet almost left to go back to Dharmaville right then and there, but she couldn't leave him behind. So she sighed, reoriented herself, and got to work. She picked the wood back up, blowing hair out of her face, and shook her head in dismay. None of this was going the way she'd wanted it to.
The wood was stacked in a neat teepee and ready to go by the time James got back from his temper tantrum. Juliet was lying in a swimsuit, spread out on a towel and basking in the sun. The black bikini dipped low, below her hips, and her top only barely concealed the swell of her breasts beneath. It took James a moment of staring to realize he'd never seen this bathing suit on her before.
"That new?" he asked. The first words he'd spoken to her since they'd arrived.
Juliet's eyes were closed behind her sunglasses. Her head was pillowed slightly on another rolled up towel. "Yep," she answered, not offering more than that.
"Where'd ya get it?" He tried again to make conversation. He knew they hadn't gotten off to a great start, but it was his birthday, goddammit, and he wanted to have a good day with his girlfriend.
Girlfriend. Huh...
"Went to Macy's, got it on clearance," she mumbled.
"Ha-ha," he replied dryly. He lowered himself into the sand next to her, supporting his weight on his palms behind him with his legs spread out in front of him. When she said nothing, he sighed loudly and lowered himself even further down, onto his elbows. He scooted closer to her. "Sorry for fussin'," he said, knowing full well that was an understatement. "Just… been a long day, already."
Juliet took a deep breath in through her nose. With her blank expression and her eyes closed, he couldn't tell if he'd said the wrong thing or not. "I should have just let you help me," she finally said softly, after a moment of deep concentration. It surprised him.
"With the tire?"
"Yes, James. With the tire. Then it wouldn't have taken so long."
He wasn't about to say what he was thinking, which was, 'ain't that the truth.' It wouldn't get him anywhere. "It's fine, I get why ya didn't. So… we good?" he asked hopefully, leaning over her a bit, blocking the sun from her face. He saw her eyes open from behind her sunglasses.
"We're good," she agreed. After a moment of silence, she added, "Can you get sunscreen on my back so I can flip over?"
James chuckled. Once upon a time, putting sunscreen on her had given him something akin to euphoria. Now it was like second nature, having his hands on her body. She handed him the bottle beside her, and he got to work. "You gonna tell me the real story now? 'Bout this new piece of delicious swimwear you seemed to have snuck under my nose?"
Juliet chuckled, and when he was done, offered wordlessly to rub the lotion onto James's back too. "I bought it from a catalog. It was meant to be something like a birthday present."
"For me?" He wolf-whistled for effect, highlighting his admiration.
"No, for Miles," she deadpanned. He smirked, relishing in the way her hands glided over his shoulders. "Of course for you. I wasn't sure when I'd get the chance to wear it, but Amy and I were shopping and she commented on how this looked so 'unmodest,' and how styles were changing, yadda yadda. So I bought it."
James chuckled. "Does she know?"
"Nope."
"Lucky me she made the comment then," he commented huskily, and spun around to wrap his arms around her middle. He leaned her back onto the towel, one hand gripped hard on her hip.
"I even bought it one size too small," Juliet purred, looking intently into James's eyes. The sun was haloed around his head, making him look like an angel. His blue green eyes were wide and focused solely on hers.
"How the hell did I get so lucky?" James groaned, and dropped his head to press his lips against hers. She didn't protest when his fingers dipped below the fabric, tracing patterns across her bikini line. They did have a lot of catching up to do.
It wasn't long before his fingers were moving her apart, spreading her growing arousal on her skin. She threw her head back, taken by surprise, and felt the whoosh of air as he tore down her bathing suit, removing it completely from her legs. She didn't complain as he spread her knees apart, kneeling before her on the towel. She definitely didn't mind one bit when his mouth replaced the rhythmic motions his fingers had been doing, though she could hardly believe she was letting him do this in the middle of the day, in the middle of a beach on a very much not-deserted island. It felt very unlike her, but the magic of his tongue made it very easy not to care.
James kissed and nibbled and sucked in a way that set Juliet's soul on fire. He was taking his time, savoring her, and she almost felt guilty. It was his birthday after all, and yet she was getting the star treatment. But as she got close and she felt the way his strong hands gripped her hips, steadying her, she realized how much he was enjoying it too.
After Juliet was completely and utterly spent, cheeks aflame from both the heat of the blazing sun and the fact that her bikini bottoms were wrapped around James's wrist like a bracelet (or a trophy), she looked shyly up at him. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand before grinning down at her. He'd done that hundreds of times, she was certain, but the coy, knowing smile he always gave her afterwards never ceased to send butterflies through her stomach.
"Apology accepted?" he asked slowly, and offered her her bathing suit back. She swallowed hard, legs still trembling, as she attempted to pull them back on.
"If I say no, will you keep making it up to me all night?" she laughed, and he shot her a genuine, playful smile.
"Or, we could spend the rest of the night celebratin'. Either way, we both win."
Juliet pretended to consider his offer. She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Apology accepted," she agreed, and leaned forward to kiss him. She could taste herself, still lingering on his lips. It made her sigh with delight.
After spending some time lying in the sun, relaxing, they decided to eat their dinner. Neither wanted to go through the effort of fishing without Jin, so they'd packed sandwiches, strawberries, and carrots in a small cooler instead. They chatted amiably while they ate, and lit the fire as soon as they began to hear the chirping of crickets in the jungle behind them.
With the sun setting and their hunger satiated, Juliet crawled to sit between James's legs. She wore his t-shirt over her bathing suit, and smiled when she could feel the warmth of his bare skin radiating through the fabric. He leaned his arms over her shoulders, pulling her tightly, almost protectively, against his chest.
They sat in silence, watching the sun sink slowly but steadily beyond the water. The only sounds were the crickets and birds in the distance, and the crackling of the fire. Juliet felt completely and utterly content. And very, very happy. She'd never felt this way with anyone before, and the peace that fell upon her whenever she was in his arms like this… it was indescribable. Every so often, he'd place a soft kiss onto her temple, or breathe in the smell of her hair, and her smile would grow wider and wider, knowing that what she felt - he must feel it too. It brought her comfort, knowing she got to have him all to herself like this.
Meanwhile, James had a question bouncing around in his mind, all the more insistent as he held Juliet in his arms. It was one he wanted to ask, but also didn't. He knew it wasn't necessary, for either of them, but something in the broken pieces of his mind and his heart almost yearned to hear her answer. They hadn't made it 'official' between them in the six months they'd been together, and in his mind, it was for good reason. Doing so would make it all the more likely to end - like how you can't lose a race if you never enter it to begin with. He knew it was stupid to think of this like that - this was different, and they both knew it. But old habits die hard, and James had a hard time admitting to himself that he yearned for this normalcy more than anything in his life thus far. He wondered if he even yearned for this more than revenge, though it was hard to say now - now that he'd gotten it.
He'd gotten everything he ever wanted, somehow. On both ends of the spectrum. It felt bizarre.
"You my girlfriend?" he finally whispered into Juliet's ear. The question caught her off guard, not just because his words had been spoken out of nowhere, but because he'd never really called her that before. They'd played along at Dharma events, because everyone seemed to need to label what they had except them, but still. This was different. His tone was sad, almost longing, and Juliet felt the innocence of what he was asking land on her like a ton of bricks.
"Do you want me to be?" she asked, matching his tone.
She felt his arms shift, pulling her closer, if that was even possible. His vulnerability was evident in the way he shifted in the sand. "Yeah," he offered plainly. He was being honest and it broke her heart a little that it had taken this long for him to admit that - both to her and to himself.
"Me too," she whispered, and angled her head to kiss his jaw. The sharp stubble felt reassuringly James-like under her lips. It made her smile.
Neither of them commented on the fact that this was the first time they'd spoken this aloud. They didn't need to. His lips found hers, and his slow, tender kisses were enough to almost make her forget they'd crossed some sort of boundary James had never crossed before. He'd come closest with Cassidy, but it had all been a ruse, a con. This was for real, and they both knew it. Everything about this was real.
After a moment, Juliet pulled away to look up into James's face. She did a quick scan, making sure he was alright. He seemed okay, so she grinned wildly and moved to stand. She pulled him up with her and asked, "Do you remember what you told me on your last birthday? When we played Never Have I Ever on the hammock?"
James furrowed his eyebrows, confused. "I'm sure I said a lotta things…" he murmured, but watched in fascination as Juliet pulled off his t-shirt. She reached behind her and untied her bikini strap, before pulling it over her head and letting it fall to the sand on top of the shirt. His mouth gaped, but she never broke eye contact as she tugged her bikini bottoms down her legs, stepping out of them with ease.
"You said you'd never been skinny dipping," she told him, slowly and punctuated with a bright smile.
"We swam on New Year's," he commented back, now completely on autopilot as he watched her lithe body backing up, inching towards the ocean. She flicked her gaze down to his shorts, and he slowly tugged them down, surprised by this turn of events.
"It's not skinny dipping when you're in your underwear, James," she chuckled, and turned to wade out into the ocean. It reminded James of Aphrodite, with her lean, but sensually curved body and blonde hair, especially when her blue eyes turned to eye him sexily over her shoulder. Though she was going into the ocean rather than coming out of it, she was still a goddamn goddess.
He dropped his shorts beside her pile of clothes and hurried after her. The water was surprisingly warm as it hit his calves, his knees, his thighs. When he was waist deep Juliet finally joined him, tugging him deeper. She was swimming in lazy circles around him while he adjusted to the water, but it wasn't long before her legs were wrapped around his hips. She used her arms to tread water, keeping her body upright, even as James's hands moved to cup her ass.
"So, what do you think?" she asked after a few moments. The sky was deep blue, almost purple, with the low light of dusk, but she could still see the unmistakable happiness permeating his expression.
"Don't know why I ain't done this before," he laughed, and pulled her closer. "'Specially with a beautiful woman like you to do it with."
"A companion definitely makes things more fun, doesn't it?" Skinny dipping. Life. Everything.
"Sure does, sweetheart," James purred and leaned in to kiss her. He knew what she meant. For a while they held one another, more treading water than swimming, and leaning in for chaste, sweet kisses as the sun finalized its descent.
Suddenly, the kissing grew deeper, more desperate, as the moon sparkled overhead and the area around them felt still and peaceful and serene. His tongue lashed out, desperately seeking hers, and his hands moved from holding her ass to roaming up and down the sides of her body. She locked her legs harder around him to keep her balance and ran her fingers through his hair. He tasted like him and everything about this moment felt so big, it almost hurt. She didn't know why.
Before she could hold back, or think better of it, or swallow the words back down into her body where they belonged, a small gasp escaped her lips when her earlobe slipped between his teeth. "I love you," she breathed, quickly and shallowly. Her eyes flew open, fully aware of what she'd just said, and she immediately began to panic.
She pulled back, almost scared to look into his eyes, but he remained expressionless, almost stoic. "I'm sorry - you don't have to say anything back. I just… It's been eating away at me. I guess it just slipped out - "
James devoured the rest of her sentence. His tongue roamed the inside of her mouth, tasting her. He stole the very breath from her lungs, and Juliet felt her arms begin to shake as she clutched hard at his shoulders. "Don't you say sorry," he murmured firmly, breathing heavily, erratically. He offered up nothing else in return, but that was okay. He didn't need to. Juliet could feel his racing heart against her ribs, and feel his rock-hard erection bumping against the back of her thigh. The glistening darkness of his eyes was the last thing to confirm what she already knew. He loved her too.
"I've never felt this way with anyone, James," she whispered in the small space between them. She needed him to understand all of a sudden. This wasn't just a crush anymore. This wasn't a respectable partnership she'd had with Edmund, or a companionable friendship she'd had with Goodwin, or even the 'longing for a savior' she'd had with Jack. This was deep, and unyielding, and so real and so raw it caused her physical pain. It burned hotter than even her brand had; but like her brand, it was forever imprinted on her soul. This was the final key unlocking the final lock inside her heart, and it was the most terrifying thing she'd ever experienced.
But God, it was so wonderfully worth it. He was worth it. She wanted him to know that, more than anything. He was everything to her.
He knew. He hadn't dunked his head under the water since they'd been swimming, but she found his cheeks were wet all the same. He hoped to God she wouldn't comment on it, and she didn't. He already felt like enough of a pansy. He couldn't believe he was actually crying at her admission.
He supposed that was why Miles hadn't originally wanted to come to him last month when he and that bimbo broke up. There was something fundamentally broken inside James, something that saw showing emotion as a weakness, especially tears. But he couldn't help it. And right now, he judged himself just as harshly for letting his emotions spill over, threatening to ruin a wonderful evening.
"Best present I ever got," he whispered thickly into her ear, trying to cover up the raw vulnerability he was showing. Graciously, she wiped her thumbs under his eyes, the only acknowledgement that there was anything to wipe away, and kissed him hard on the mouth, unphased.
He wasn't quite ready to say it back, but she meant it when she said she didn't need him to. She knew it was only a matter of time before he finally allowed himself to accept what they both knew to be true: She loved him, and he loved her. And this was everything they'd been searching their whole lives for.
—-
"You know… Harper told me I looked just like 'her,' once, in a session. I thought she might have been talking about Ben's mother. I'd seen her portrait in Ben's house once… but what if… what if she meant something else?" Juliet murmured as the tiny bouquet of wildflowers hung limply at her side.
That's how she greeted James the morning of her birthday. He'd rolled out of bed far later than he'd intended, having had one too many the night before. He awoke to the bed cold and no sign of Juliet anywhere. He'd found her sitting on the porch with a half-drank cup of coffee beside her and a vacant expression on her face, staring out into the distance.
"Mornin' to you too, Aristotle. The hell you talkin' about?" he grumbled, and sat down next to her with his own cup. He was wearing pajama pants and nothing else, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
Juliet gave a tiny shake of her head in frustration, before setting the flowers on the ground and rubbing her face. "Ben. He saw me out here and brought me flowers."
"How the hell'd he know it was your birthday?" James asked before scanning the horizon, half-expecting Ben to be watching them. He saw nothing out of the ordinary.
"I don't know. Because we both took off? I don't have a clue."
"Took off for mine, too. I didn't get no present."
She sighed, only thinly veiling her annoyance. "I don't know, James. I don't. Know."
James cut his eyes to the side to look at her. He only just now realized how curled up into herself she was - how she'd tucked her legs to her chest and was clenching her fists atop her feet. Her jaw was set and bright blue eyes unblinking.
"Hey," he said softly. She wouldn't look at him. "So Ben knows your birthday. We don't know how. Fine. But remember, he's just a kid."
"I know that," she snapped, still not looking at him. "But he knows my birthday thirty years from now too. Does he bring me here because he knew I was always here? Or is this all just some cosmic coincidence?"
James sighed. "I dunno. I guess you'd have to ask him, if we ever see the fucker again. Ain't nothin' that can be done about it now, sunshine. And look, it's your birthday. Ya gotta try 'n enjoy it." He reached out a hand and placed it atop her knee. It took her a moment, but she laid her cheek against it, finally turning his way to look at him. "There. Thatta girl. Look… I know we were gonna go on that hike but maybe we should just stay in bed today. Lay 'round the house, relax."
"You're just saying that because you're hungover," Juliet commented dryly. He thought for a moment she might be mad, but her signature smirk gave her away.
"Look - that was one helluva party Jin threw for you, Blondie. Ain't my fault he makes a mean margarita. How the hell'd he end up such a heavy-handed bartender, anyway?" James shoved the heel of his free hand into his eye for effect.
Juliet giggled. "How many margaritas did you have? I lost count after the third."
"Five? Six? Fuck if I know."
"I should make you go on the hike anyway. Just to make sure you learn your lesson," Juliet teased, and raised her head to take his hand in hers. She petted his fingers, tracing the outlines of the scars on his skin.
James pursed his lips. "Hey. It's your birthday, girl. I'll do whatever ya want."
Juliet paused, contemplating. She'd only wanted to go on the hike because she wanted to do something different. But they hadn't had a lazy day in a while, either. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't also hungover, and pretty tired from staying up half the night kicking their asses in Monopoly. Horace and Amy had left after dinner and cake, and it had come down to her and Miles at the eleventh hour. She was fairly certain Miles had let her win. That, or he'd been too drunk to think straight. The four of them then spent the next half hour dancing around her and James's living room before Miles almost passed out on the couch. Jin had half-carried him home, and she'd fallen asleep before James had finished tidying up the kitchen from the disarray in which Jin had left it. He'd promised her a quickie at least, but she hadn't woken up when he'd come to bed, much to his disappointment.
She had a chance to make up for that if she took him up on his offer. That, of course, and a nap. It had been so long since she'd taken a nap.
"Alright," she agreed with a half smile. "I'll take a rain check on the hike. We can spend the day at home. On one condition."
James couldn't help but cringe. "And what's that?"
"I get whatever I want," Juliet propped her chin on her knuckles and rested her elbow on the arm of the chair. The intensity of her gaze was enough to set James's chest on fire. He'd do anything she fucking wanted. If she wanted the moon, he'd get her the goddamn moon.
"As you wish," he smirked, and her smile brightened. She loved The Princess Bride.
They went inside, hand in hand and each carrying their mugs, the bouquet of flowers sitting forgotten on the front porch.
—-
Juliet felt glorious before the clock even struck noon. After a long, hot, teasing shower, James gingerly brushed her hair before delivering on his promise from the night before. It was as close to fucking as they could get, without losing the tenderness he couldn't help but show her. They used positions they weren't used to, and she came three times before he finally let himself go, shaking for almost a full minute afterwards. She was actually sore by the time their heartbeats regulated, and was still throbbing even as she was lulled to sleep with James's arms wrapped firmly around her.
She awoke from her nap to a steaming bowl of Dharma mac and cheese (James's culinary skills hadn't improved much over the last year, but she gave him an A for effort) and a diet soda on a tray he'd brought to the bed. She munched lazily while he hooked up the record player in the bedroom, setting it up atop their dresser.
When she was done, he offered (offered!) to paint her toenails, much to Juliet's delight, and gave her a foot massage while he was at it.
Juliet felt warm and fuzzy inside, knowing he was going out of his way (and out of his comfort zone) to make sure she had a good day. She loved him so much, it physically ached. She hadn't said so, not since their camping trip, as she didn't want to put pressure on him to say it back. But it was times like these, when she saw the intense look in his eyes as he watched her, and felt the gentleness in his touch as he caressed her, that she just knew - she knew he loved her too.
The foot massage turned into a full body massage, but soon it all became too much for James to handle. He bit her on the ass and it was all downhill from there. After another quick romp, they laid tangled in the bedsheets with the record still playing in the background. Juliet felt James relaxing against her from behind, and she knew he was falling asleep. But selfishly, she didn't want him to. She wanted to keep him there, with her, so she asked, "Why are you so wonderful?"
It was a rhetorical question. She didn't expect him to answer, and even if he did, she expected it to be some bigheaded response straight out of the mouth of an ex-con who knew what to say in every situation. What she got instead was, "Because you make me that way."
Juliet twisted, trying to catch his eye, but they were closed. "What?" she whispered, taken aback.
Without missing a beat or opening his eyes, James mumbled again, "You make me that way."
"I don't understand."
He sighed slightly through his nose, and finally opened his eyes to look into hers. He seemed calm. "I'm tryin'. Tryin' to earn your love, cuz I don't deserve it."
Love. So he did remember. She wondered if perhaps he'd chalked it up to some fever dream. She felt bad sometimes, for not having said the words again. She didn't know if it would be something he'd want to hear or not, and she knew he'd never tell her one way or the other. "I still don't understand. You deserve everything I have to give and more, James."
He sighed, harder this time, and rolled her onto her back. He raised himself up on his elbow and stared hard into her unflinching, almost worried gaze. "I ain't a good guy, Juliet. Even under my guise of decent intentions. I'm pretty damn terrible, actually, and you know that."
"James, you're not - " she started to say, but his jaw clenched and she stopped herself. She ran a finger along his stubble, and he relaxed a little against her touch.
"Only good thing I done in my whole damn life was jump outta that helicopter. And it was half for selfish reasons. I didn't wanna go back to see my kid. I didn't wanna face whatever waited for me after… killin' that guy in Australia. And I didn't wanna fight the Doc for the attention of a girl I was never gonna win." Juliet tried not to flinch, but she felt her eye twitch anyway. "And maybe I just condemned 'em all anyway. Who the hell knows what happened. And in case ya forgot, Blondie, I treated you like shit for a helluva long time too. So yeah. I done far more bad than good in this lifetime, and now I wanna try 'n make up for it. And that makes you to blame."
Juliet felt her face screw up slightly, analyzing his words. "James. You changed. Not because of me, because of you. I can't take credit for any of that."
"And why the hell ya think I tried changin' at all?" he bit back, startling even himself. But Juliet didn't budge. "Cuz 'a you, sweetheart. But I'm still…" James trailed off, not knowing how to say it.
"What?" Juliet breathed, wondering what he was trying and failing to get off his chest.
"I'm still rotten. Inside." He cringed, and laid his head back down onto the pillow. Juliet rolled over to face him, but he refused to meet her eyes. He looked furious for having said anything at all.
"Why do you think that?" she whispered. He said nothing. "James. It's my birthday. And I get whatever I want." James rolled his eyes and still said nothing. "Honey. Talk to me," Juliet whispered so gently James barely heard her. She'd never called him anything other than his name before. It took him by surprise, the gentleness of the word on her tongue.
It was enough to get him to look at her. Her bright blue eyes were shining with unshed tears, and he felt like the world's biggest asshat. She'd somehow mental jiu jitsu'd her way into getting him to admit this shit, when he'd only been trying to give her a compliment. How the hell had they gotten here?
"Fine," he agreed with a grind of his teeth. "Why do I think I'm rotten? You really wanna know?" His voice was grave, as if he were telling a campfire ghost story and was about to announce who the killer was. It wasn't too far off the mark. Juliet nodded, eyes locked on his, unblinking. James clenched the tangled blanket in his fist. His whole body felt tight, like a coiled spring. Juliet wondered how they'd gotten here, too, after such a wonderful day.
"I killed a man with my bare hands. Strangled the life right outta him. Locke's daddy, if you can believe it."
Juliet felt her eye twitch, the only movement she couldn't control in her face. "When?"
"Before we jumped through time. On the Black Rock. Turns out, he's the one. Sawyer." He spat the name like it was a curse, rather than the name he'd been called for almost half his life.
Juliet didn't know what to say. That was an eerie coincidence. She knew the island worked in mysterious ways, according to Richard and all the other diehards, though she never quite believed in it herself. But even that was too creepy to wrap her mind around. And she truly didn't know how to process that information. But inevitably, it changed nothing about how she felt about him. It changed nothing about the man he was now.
She kissed him, chastely but firmly, on the lips. The kiss caught him by surprise, and he didn't kiss her back. "You got your revenge. Did it help?"
Against the pillow, James almost imperceptibly shook his head. It didn't help. Especially now, knowing that in just one year's time, his life was going to be ruined all over again. His throat tightened and his heartbeat sped up. Juliet's face was serene, but not devoid of emotion. She looked almost sympathetic, which made James's stomach feel sour.
"I love you. For exactly who you are, James Ford," she whispered, and rubbed a hand along his arm. With the third languid stroke, his fist finally unclenched. As did his heart.
A strangled sob burst free from his lips. He'd just confessed the worst thing he'd ever done. There were officially no more secrets between them - nothing she didn't already know, whether from his file or from his own admission.
Well, everything except one thing.
James didn't understand how she could be like this. How the hell was she so calm? She was in the presence of a murderer. He knew she'd killed people too, maybe more than him for all he knew, but she'd only ever done it in self-defense or the defense of others. She'd never choked the life out of someone, enjoying the tension and the heat and the struggle like it were a goddamn prize. She didn't know his pain, either.
But for some reason, she acted like she wanted to. She wanted to treat him like he was worth the air he breathed; like he was worth more than the stars in the sky and the love in her heart. And he didn't fucking understand why.
"All I've ever wanted was for you to be yourself. And be honest with me," she said, still stroking him, calming him in a way only she'd ever been able to do. "I just wanted you to treat me with care and dignity and kindness, and you do, James. You treat me better than I deserve." James scoffed, thinking she was being patronizing. But one look into her face made him realize she was being serious. For whatever crazy reason, this goddess of a woman felt unworthy of him, too. The thought made him sick.
"You're leagues better than me, Blondie. You can do better than me. Why're we even here?" he almost begged, and then hated himself for letting his voice sound so weak. But she was unphased.
"We're here because it's my birthday. And I love you. I love you more than anything in the world, and right here with you is where I wanna be."
She didn't mention Rachel, which surprised him. It also surprised him that the sincerity in her voice was crystal clear, ringing true in James's chest. He can usually sniff out bullshit a mile away, but there wasn't a single thing about what Juliet had said that was anything other than genuine.
For a moment, James felt like his throat was closed up. Like the fear he'd fought for a year was finally rearing its ugly head, hell-bent on ruining the one good thing in his life he'd managed to build. His heartbeat was erratic, telling him to flee, but he didn't want to. He wanted to spend forever lying here with this woman, doing this. Everything about this was scary, but the fear didn't (and has never) made any of it any less true. He'd loved her for a long, long time.
"I love you, too," he finally managed to whisper. It was choked, disjointed, but God it felt good. It felt like slipping into a tub of warm water, like the first sip of coffee in the morning, or like the sound of one's favorite song. To her it might have sounded forced, but it was the most truthful thing he'd said all day. All year, maybe. So he said it again, clearer this time. "I love you, too."
Juliet's eyes widened, processing his admission. She could tell how hard it was for him the first time, but a strange look fell over his face and the second time, the words felt more like honey. His body eased, and he began to tremble slightly. She rubbed his cheeks, his neck, his shoulders - she just wanted to touch him.
When his lips landed on hers, she almost laughed at the irony. "Best present I've ever gotten," she drawled, lips gliding over his, teasing him slightly for what he'd said to her in the ocean a couple weeks prior. She hoped he wouldn't take the joke poorly, and she was pleasantly surprised when a laugh bubbled nervously out of him.
They said nothing, just kissed until both of their bodies were settled and the nerves were extinguished. They were happy - and they both knew without a shadow of doubt that those three words would never be enough - not really - to describe the depth of connection they'd built. But they would have to do. And James made sure they were the last words Juliet heard before she fell asleep that night, because it was her birthday, and she deserved it.
