Chapter 173
"Finally," Rory exhaled, as she and Jess pulled away from the diner. It had only been a few days that they'd been in Stars Hollow, but this trip had certainly felt longer than usual. She had been dealing with all of the stress of what was happening with Lane, the frequent travel over the last several weeks, and the time away from Jess, which was always hard for her. And beyond all that, she was trying to make sense of the thing that had been bothering her ever since all of this with Lane and Zack had come up.
"Finally," Jess agreed. He was having an even harder time than she was. The reason this entire situation had been so hard for him to stomach was, of course, his history with Jimmy. It was very hard for Jess to even fathom the idea of having anybody in his life who chose to be a deadbeat dad. Thank god Zack wasn't going to be in his life in any major way- he knew that he and Zack would always keep their distance, regardless of how close Lane and Rory were. And to some extent, he hoped Lane got to a place where she knew how much better she could do, and had in some way found a means to improve her situation. But in the meantime, it had been a rough few days. All of the drama and stress of it, along with being away from Truncheon quite a bit lately, and having so little time with Rory to himself, and so much time taken up with traveling, was really wearing on him. Particularly because he knew that with Luke and Lorelai's wedding coming up, there really wasn't an end in sight to the interruptions to their norm.
"I'm sorry it's been so crazy," Rory said apologetically, looking at Jess. He rolled his eyes.
"Rory, it's not your fault. You're a good friend, and you're doing everything right. It's just a crazy time. I'm sorry you're going through it too."
Rory nodded. Jess could see the tension on her face.
"Look, we both know why this weekend was so hard for me, even if I don't want to talk about it. Which I don't, at least not right now," Jess started. At this, Rory nodded. She was never going to push Jess, since she knew venting wasn't helpful for him in the same way it was for her. "But it seemed like towards the end there, something was getting to you too. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Did Mom say something?"
"Very little. She got the sense you might want to talk to me instead."
"Did that make her mad?"
"No, I don't think so. Seemed like she understood," Jess said. Rory sighed. He continued, "So?"
"It's just…I've really tried to keep my dad in the picture. But I don't know if it's because I've wanted to, or because I've felt like I had to." Jess nodded, listening to Rory closely. "He's…I mean, he's not evil or anything, so I guess I always felt like as much as he made things harder, more awkward and more unpleasant, I owed it to him to make the effort…even when he didn't. But I'm just not sure I actually want to."
"Does it have to do with his history with your mom?"
"A little," Rory answered, "But more so how he is now. He still calls her."
"Does Luke know?"
"Yeah, I think so. But in a vague sense. They don't talk about it much, he knows that Chris reaches out to her, and that she pretty much quashes it, but that she can't cut him out completely since he's my dad. But honestly…I don't think that's a good enough reason anymore. And sure, he's my father…but he didn't raise me. He's not really a parent to me. And I think it's awful that he still tries to interfere in her life. Did I tell you he wanted to come to the wedding?"
"What? Why?" Jess said, surprised. She knew that Rory and her dad didn't have a perfect relationship, and Chris admittedly wasn't his favorite person either, particularly given Jess' closeness with Luke. But it seemed bizarre that he'd even want to go to his ex-wife's wedding.
"I think he just wants to remain relevant to us. And he has this crap ton of money, and he's constantly trying to give us stuff, and it feels like he's trying to buy his way into being the part of the family that he didn't bother putting the effort in to be a part of when he should've stepped up." At this, Jess nodded with understanding.
"You don't have to be close to him, or even want him around, or tolerate any of it just because he's your dad. Particularly if he didn't even fulfill the general job requirements for that role," Jess said. Rory looked at him.
"But…he didn't take off. He just…"
"Didn't bother to be around in the first place?"
"He did occassionally. I'm just…it makes me so angry that Lane is dealing with this, and that her kids have to. She deserves so much more."
"…and so do…"
"I, and so do we, and any family we may or may not choose to have one day," she admitted, not meeting his eyes. He waited until she finally looked up at him, and gave her a smile.
"…it's okay to think about that. And to decide that certain people don't get to play a part in that life that you might want to build. I certainly do it."
"And you get shit for it all the time," Rory pointed out, "Luke is constantly on you to try harder with Liz."
"Yeah, but I don't think you're gonna get any complaints from him if you want to ice out Christopher," Jess pointed out. Rory smirked at that.
"It just seems like a silly thing to complain about," Rory admitted, "But…I've been thinking about it more lately, and I just…I want some space from him, and I want to think about how I have in my life from now on. People like Zack don't deserve people like Lane, and their lives, and their kids. And I don't want to give him the opportunity to disappoint or disrupt any more than he already has."
"And he's done that a lot already."
"Exactly," Rory said, relieved. Jess seemed to understand her perspective here.
"So why do you feel guilty?"
"…most people would think it was terrible not to give a parent another shot. That with parents, boundaries aren't fair. That you owe them."
"…you don't owe him. You don't owe him your happiness or your peace, and having him be a part of your life is not unconditional. You can absolutely love him and, at the same time, build a life that he doesn't have the right to be a part of. You can build a life that reflects your values, and what you believe about how people should be treated, and have boundaries that support that life, and not let him in if he doesn't follow those. And right now, it doesn't sound like he is."
"Well, Mom has a hard time with that too."
"I'm sure. There's a lot of history. And he was a part of creating the thing she loves most in the world- you. It's got to be hard for her."
"…I don't like that he still tries to weasel his way into her life. And I think he uses me as an excuse to do that, and to stay a part of it."
"You can't control how they're gonna interact, though. That might not change even if your relationship with him does."
"Maybe not, but at least then I wouldn't feel like he's able to use me to compound the problem."
"…that's fair."
"It's so unfair to her that he even does it. She deserves the life she's building with Luke, and all the happiness in the world, and he knows, knows that it didn't work out with him, that he wasn't able to be that for her, that she was so unhappy and he was a terrible husband, and wasn't able to show up for her in the ways she deserves, and that Luke is. And he's still trying to mess with that."
"You'd think he would've learned from Luke punching his lights out."
"I don't think he learns much of anything from anything, to be honest," Rory said, rolling her eyes, "He's not just unreliable, he doesn't…get it, improve, change, grow. He has in some ways, a bit. But…I just don't think it's enough. And I feel like a bad person for entertaining the thought."
"Well, you're not. And if he doesn't get to have a significant role in your life, or your kids' life, should you choose to have them- that's a loss for him, and that loss is on him. Not you. Okay?"
"…thanks, Jess."
"It's what I'm here for."
