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Chapter Sixty-three
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Elizabeth's Long Letter
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That evening, Elizabeth's letter was almost burning a hole in Nathan's pocket. Although he had made no promises as to when he would read it, Nathan could think of little else for the remainder of the day. So, when Allie retired to her room to read her literature assignment, Nathan made himself comfortable before the warming fire and stared at the envelope. He chuckled to see Elizabeth's handwriting. There was no doubt she was a teacher. Every letter was precisely formed and her lines were ruler straight.
Nathan unfolded the pages, counting them. "Six! Wow!" Adjusting his position, Nathan began.
'Dear Nathan,
If you have opened this envelope and begun to read, I beg you to read through to the end? Everything I need to and want to say, may be out of order, but all is equally important.
I have to ask for your forgiveness. I treated you horribly and you deserve so much better. I neglected our friendship and by my actions allowed it to wither, like a drying leaf. I showed little interest in your thoughts and interests and who you are, although I'm afraid I always showed interest in what you were doing or where you were going. I am embarrassed to say I almost stalked you sometimes, but I confess it was to satiate my curiosity or to entice your interest. It was totally selfish of me. I never asked about how you felt or what you thought. Even when we were talking about Allie, I just stated my opinions.
I am ashamed that I had the audacity to declare to you my opinions on parenting, as if you knew nothing about raising a child. I was so foolish. You probably felt discredited, with all your expertise rendered insignificant. I should have been asking your advice, not bestowing my knowledge as if I knew anything at all compared to you. You must have felt criticized and undervalued. I am so sorry.
You have raised Allie for many more years than I have parented Jack and you have done a masterful job, Nathan. Allie is a brilliant student, her keen mind and insatiable interest and curiosity made her a joy to teach. Oft she challenged me to be a better teacher so I could stay one step ahead of her! But more than that, she is a delightful person. Full of fun, yet thoughtful and kind. Helpful and genuinely interested in others. She freely loves because she is securely loved by you, Nathan. Anyway, my point is that I am sorry for discounting your experience and success in raising Allie. You have done a wonderful job and I haven't acknowledged that as I ought to have. Please forgive me?
While on the subject of Allie. My heart aches for that girl. She has suffered so much, yet maintains such a joyful outlook. But, I regret I added to her suffering these past couple of years. I did not nourish her as I ought. I taught her, yes, but I didn't gently care for her as she so deserves. I have been counseling with a medical doctor, Nathan, and with Joseph, and they have had me revisit many of my interactions with you and Allie. It has been difficult to face my behavior and my words.
I have realized it was unkind and uncaring to cancel that family dinner at the Café. That rejection must have hurt so much and embarrassed you as well. I hurt Allie that day too and I am so sorry. I treated you both as less important than Lucas's mother, a stranger and one I didn't even know was planning to visit. I was afraid of Mrs. Bouchard and, recognizing all Lucas had done to help me with my book, I panicked. But that is not an excuse. I repressed the memory, but now I do remember the looks of hurt and disappointment you both displayed that evening. Please forgive my rude behavior and attitude? And I can't even explain the book adequately. You were the inspiration for so much of it, and anyone in Hope Valley could tell it was you I was writing about, even though I tried to combine you with Lucas. I am just embarrassed by the whole thing. I'm sorry I exposed you like that even though I painted you in a positive light.
I can think of so many times when I was unkind, or at the very least thoughtless. When you got news of the promotion that Christmas? I just blew into your office like a hurricane and accused you of not thinking about Allie and her friends or your own. I never asked about the promotion or if you wanted it or took any interest in finding out about you. I read in Rosemary's article that it was a prestigious position. I didn't know that. Probably no one did, except maybe Bill, but I should have shown interest in you as my dear friend. For that is what I considered you, although I selfishly allowed that friendship to be all about me. Even as I write this, I am tempted to start over and not say that. But, I know it is true so I will leave it there for you to read. You probably know it anyway. I am so sorry for not supporting you, your career and your interests, Nathan. Can you forgive me?
There were other times I confronted you in the jail. I just marched in and verbally accosted you. Sometimes I didn't even wait for you to respond before leaving and slamming the door behind me. You must have felt attacked. After only and always offering friendship and kindness to me, I have been so arrogant and cruel. I am sorry, Nathan. You have listened to my tirades with patience and calm. You never lashed back at me although that is what I deserved.
And that final time? When I burst into your office and spewed my words all over you. You never said a word, but I will never forget the pain I saw in your eyes. I am certain you know the time to which I am referring… when I told you I loved you, but wasn't in love with you and just saw Jack in you. I am weeping as I write this, Nathan. I was so wrong, not just in what I said, but how I said it. And here I must confess the truth. I do love you, Nathan, and have known a growing love for you from those early days in Hope Valley. Also I was and still am in love with you too. I know the 'in love' part is feelings that are changeable, but I have held them in my heart for a long time. So, I lied and ask your forgiveness for that.
But the worst is my explanation that I was looking for Jack in you. Looking back now I don't even know what I was talking about, what I was trying to say. But the words were cruel and I know they were like daggers to your sweet and tender heart towards me. The words reduced you to your uniform, which really is all that you and Jack have in common. Except of course, you both have loved and cared for me. Oh, what a self-centered fool I have been. You, Nathan are a man, an honorable, honest, kind, trustworthy, courageous, strong and gentle man. I admire so much about you and have never told you that. Your thoughtfulness to tell me your travel plans so I would know about Allie's welfare and maybe even to reassure me as well? Your sweet gifts, the Mountie toy to Jack (which remains his favorite you know!), the plaque that I should have taken to heart, when you bravely rescued me from Amos Dixon and came to collect and secure the class and me in the windstorm. Your sweet interest in Jack and his little conversations. He truly loves you, Nathan. Still.
Thank you for always stopping to talk with Jack and getting down on his level. That is something you do intuitively and it is so right to do that for children, to enter their little world like that. I cannot thank you enough. And I cannot ask your forgiveness enough for not complimenting you or thanking you for that in person. I have failed you.
At the beginning of this letter, I told you I would be writing out of order? Well, I really am! I am now realizing I never thanked you for your encouragement about writing. You don't know, but I was giving up and had a pile of crumpled papers on the floor and an overflowing wastebasket beside my desk. That day at the pond when you asked, "What's in your heart?" It was like a lightning bolt of inspiration hit me. I knew I needed to write about being a single mother on the frontier. So, I thank you for that encouragement and interest. This leads me to say, you are always so patient and gentle with me. I see it with Allie too, but you've been so wonderful to me.
After that day at the brook, when you verbally shared your love? I shouldn't have run off like that without talking or… I don't know, I just know it was wrong to run as I did. It was thoughtless to treat your vulnerability so lightly. When I think of you standing there so excited about building a home, offering to leave the Mounties, opening your heart to me? I cry. I wounded you, Nathan. Can you ever forgive me?
But even after that dismissal of you and your sweet sentiments, you were so kind and patient. You never pushed me, you just waited and if I spoke to you, you responded with sweetness, never with anger. You are an amazing man, Nathan Grant.
I chided you at the parent-teacher conference after that conversation at the brook. I negated your choice to take Allie fishing when it was exactly what you both needed to do. You needed each other and I had no right to correct you on that or lecture you about Allie looking up to you. Of course she does and you are a fine example for her to admire and appreciate. I am so glad she has you and you set an incredibly high standard for her to measure any other man against. For a teacher that is a poor sentence grammatically, but you understand? The point? You set the standard high. Few can match you.
I am still humbled by your kindness at the graduation the following day. You complimented me on my teaching and on the appreciation you said I deserved. Nathan, nothing could be further from the truth, yet you always have thought the best of me. I don't deserve that. I feel I am rambling, but I have multiple years to confess and make right. I am sorry this is an epistle and a very long one at that.
Nathan, please forgive me for my harsh words on the street that day when I accused you of willfully tricking me into attending Allie's adoption ceremony and knowingly not inviting anyone else. I was so wrong and I will never forget your words, that 'If that's what I thought of you, I didn't even know you.' Oh, Nathan… I wish I could confess this in person, but you were right. To my shame, I didn't know you and I was belittling, accusatory, disrespectful… I was so wrong.
And when I insisted, loudly, in public, that you explain the issue at Fort Clay? I am horrified to remember. You must have felt so rejected, so misunderstood, so mortified and embarrassed that I would treat you that way and do so in front of everyone. I didn't respect you, or your office or Bill or the Commissioner or… I only thought of myself and it must have felt like an arrow piercing your tender heart. I can hardly believe I was so cruel and hateful. I am so sorry.
On the day you departed for Regina? My fear encompassed me, Nathan. I couldn't imagine losing you like I lost Jack and that chained me to "What if…" I knew and know now my heart is yours, but I couldn't admit it. What I didn't realize is that I lost Jack to death, but I lost you by my own decision. I erected an impenetrable wall of fear and lost you. Now that you have moved so far away, I have a new fear I am trying to face with courage and much prayer. I am afraid it is too late. Is it, Nathan? Is it too late to restore what I, what we have lost? Can we find our way back through letters for now?
Oh! How could I forget? Another memory has surfaced. One that is bittersweet. You were so thoughtful to wrap the blanket around me when I was waiting outside the infirmary that time. I was rude and ungrateful, yet you were so sweet and caring. But worse than my bad attitude was my question. It has bothered me ever since, but I never made it right. I am so sorry. I asked if you had ever had your heart broken by loss. What was I thinking? You lost your dear sister and took Allie as your own. Allie was a daily reminder of your heartbreak, yet I didn't even think of it. I just wallowed in my own sorrow and grief. How can you ever forgive my insensitivity? But, I beg you to please forgive me?
I know forgiveness is undeserved. And I know I am undeserving, but I am still telling you how sorry I am and asking for forgiveness. I am certain there is more for me to confess, but as this is long and I want my father to hand-deliver this letter, I will close now. I may write again as things come back to my mind.
And now, besides my asking for forgiveness, I have two more requests. I have written a letter of apology to sweet Allie. It is unsealed and I ask you to please read it first, and then to give it to her when you feel the time is right? I trust you.
The second request is this… Would you please write back to me? I want to know your forgiveness, yes, but I also want to know about your life in Regina and your Instructor position and how Allie is and if you are making new friends and feeling at home and I could go on and on, but I want to know everything about you that you are willing to share. Do not ever show this last run-on sentence to anyone or I will be fired from my teaching position on the spot! Forgive my grammar or lack thereof. I am pouring out my heart and it comes out raw and uncorrected.
So, I will close for now. I am sure I have overwhelmed you with all my words, but they are heartfelt, Nathan. I miss you and long to be in touch again.
I will truly open my heart to you now, Nathan Grant. I love you dearly, and I am so very in love with you.
Yours,
Elizabeth'
'Post Script: I have been writing this letter to you over the past few weeks as I have counseled with Joseph and Dr. Ben Marshall.'
Nathan raised his eyes to the ceiling, praying to the God who was above all. The all-knowing God of heaven and of earth. "What now, Lord?" He asked quietly knowing that God knew and cared about everything that affected him, and knew about Elizabeth Thornton and all the memories this letter was bringing to mind.
Glancing down, he sorted the pages to find page one again and re-read from the beginning. As he finished each confession, he stopped to consider Elizabeth's words. 'This is hard, Lord. How I would prefer not to remember all these things…'
With Allie in bed and the house quiet, Nathan donned a warm sweater rather than add another log to the fire. He had made a cup of tea and took a sip as his eye fell on Elizabeth's letter to Allie. He decided to read it now to ascertain if he could give it to her tomorrow.
Nathan was pleased with Elizabeth's confessions to Allie and was grateful that Allie had been working on forgiving her teacher for many months. This letter of confession was a good start to repairing that broken relationship, no matter what happened with Elizabeth and him. He returned Allie's letter to the envelope and moved to reread his own letter.
Deciding to collect his thoughts before responding to Elizabeth, Nathan opened his journal and pondered each paragraph one-by-one, writing his thoughts on an empty page.
'This first admission is momentous. 'Stalking me!' It felt like that sometimes, although the deep conversations didn't always follow. I knew that was what was going on, but had I said anything, she would have denied the truth. This is what I tried to explain to Joseph when we talked and prayed together. Thank you, Lord for showing Elizabeth that truth about herself and revealing that she didn't show interest in my thoughts or feelings.' Nathan looked at the dying embers and decided he would add another log. Processing this letter might take a while.
As the fire began to crackle, Nathan settled back on the sofa. His eyes filled as he pondered Elizabeth's next confession. 'Her dismissal of my parenting experience had hurt. Much more than that of Lucas. Lucas didn't know what he was talking about so it was easy to laugh it off, but Elizabeth should have known. Because of her words, I had so many moments when I wondered if I really was failing Allie. Were it not for the encouragement of others like Mom and Dad, Gabe, Bill. Joseph, Lee, Faith and eventually Rosemary, I would have despaired.'
'Plus, it was Elizabeth's judgement that I tried to avoid with a secret departure.' Nathan continued in his journal interspersing prayers with his thoughts. 'Lord, thank you that she acknowledges my parenting now and even compliments me. That means a lot.'
'And then there is the blanket. Elizabeth was so stubborn when I could see she was cold. Then, for a few moments I thought she was listening to my heart when I shared about adopting Allie being the best thing I had ever done, but I was wrong. She turned on me with that question about loss and I realized she was only thinking of herself, as if she was the only one who understood grief. She was not thinking about me at all. I was so sad when I walked away that night. When did she become so self-centered? I believe that was a moment when I truly realized that Elizabeth had changed from the woman I had first loved.'
'Lord, I have already forgiven Elizabeth even though I don't understand everything, but as she is asking for it again, I forgive her. And she is right, forgiveness is undeserved, but it can be freely offered…'
Nathan looked at the section of the letter where Elizabeth wrote about her fear that it is too late. 'Is it Lord? Finding our way back together is exactly what I've wanted, what I have hoped for… However, now that Elizabeth is asking for that, I'm not sure. I know I cannot open my whole heart, but can I correspond? Will that give false hopes to either of us?'
'She is correct to say she 'blew into the office like a hurricane' although I would name it a tornado. Maximum damage, then depart quickly and leave chaos in her wake.' In the next paragraph Nathan read, '…I spewed my words all over you…' That is well-stated!'
Nathan wrote notes about each of Elizabeth's paragraphs, then reread his thoughts again.
'That last request to write and tell her all about life here in Regina? Am I ready to do that? I think I have to be cautious to allow her to show she is trustworthy, so Lord? I need your guidance on this.' As he began to fold the letter, his eye caught her comment about the grammar and he smiled. It was good to see her humor returning!
As he yawned, Nathan quietly admitted to himself that it was late. "I'll have to write my response tomorrow when I return from morning coffee. I am too tired now!"
